-The best state of things; the prime.
It’s winter now, a few years after a dream in a once upon summer’s night. A dream that spoke volumes but made no sense. Even after all these years –these few years –it still made no sense for Taehyung. No matter how much he ruminate the past events, he couldn’t find that missing piece of puzzle. The missing piece to his butchered heart.
Love came like a storm, it was calm at first then it evolves into something amazing. Yes, initially people will think that storms are scary but no. Not to Taehyung who finds love as amazing –albeit, yes. He found it a bit frightening –and enchanting in his Pandora head. He’s an enigma, both himself and the person he acquainted with years ago. Back when he wouldn’t be gunned when he walks down the road. Or say, have a cup of tea with his friends? Yes, all those times. Before shining stages and immaculately choreography took place in his everyday life. Sure, Bangtan’s choreographies had always been sharp and amazing. But that was way before Fire era. Before another word is added into the mix: hard.
Nobody knows why the hell the choreography had to be like that. Jumping around and all that difficult steps. Fancy moves that sometimes that they want to curse at, or maybe they had. Before Fire had been I need U, before that had been Boy in Luv. Before that had been days filled with laughs and sweat sometimes with blood to accompany the two. They’re just boys then, with Jin and Yoongi just barely holding the title ‘grown up’. Life wasn’t in good hands then, but Taehyung could swear that he certainly didn’t mind this one or the other one. As long as his newfound family is happy, fine, and healthy.
As long as… we are happy.
Taehyung is known for his mixed up speech, his boxy smile, and his deep voice. Now, he’s known as the most handsome man on earth. It’s not unexpected for ARMYs, especially Taehyung stans. But for him it is, for he thought somebody else is more handsome than himself. Though said person’s sense of humor is a bit… well, couldn’t say anything now.
It’s amazing, Taehyung thought. Just how far they’ve come and how big they’ve become. Literally and figuratively speaking. It felt as if yesterday they were just practicing for their debut and here they are. On the way to another award, possibly winning it. He didn’t feel any of his exhaustion on the way home from said award, his body already took over and demanded sleep like the rest of his members. Like how Jimin is right now. Mouth gaping a little and snoring softly. Very different to Namjoon’s snoring on the front seat.
His mind wander around before slumber slipped in, and he drowned himself in petals.
It wasn’t a happy thought or anything, probably wasn’t a memory since it was only a flicker of images. He tended to ruminate these images, he thought. Tend to sort them out and hang them around his heart to see if anything could be pulled from his ice cold memory. Maybe it’s a trip down the memory lane, but he couldn’t care less as he saw a back of someone running further away from him. Black hair glinted from the summer sun, giving some sort of life to his surrounding as he laughed high and cheery chasing after something Taehyung couldn’t make of. The image changes into dark brown eyes, a handsome face, and a gentle voice. “Taehyung-ah, woke up.”
No, no he didn’t wake up. It was in his dream after all. Or not.
A gentle voice roused him from his short sleep, saying that they had arrived home and playfully swatted his arm as Taehyung groggily woke up. True, they are in the parking lot already. He got up from his seat slowly, somehow feeling as if he’s an old man. His back cracked as he stretched, wincing as Jimin jabbed –nudged –him. Jeongguk and Hoseok are already in front of them, sharing a tired silence and laughing once in a while. Namjoon is in the back, having some little chat with manager-nim. Both Taehyung and Jimin weren’t the only ones that slumped to the walls of the elevator as soon as they got in. Jin is trying to be as awake as possible so that Yoongi wouldn’t be dead asleep on his feet. That wouldn’t be funny.
Some way or another they arrived on their doorstep and are already taking off both their coats and shoes. It’s cold outside and they had worn their warm coats despite the warm temperature inside the car. Sweat makes its way out from Taehyung’s oversize shirt, and he felt a bit too hot than normal. I mean, he’s hot… oh, well.
It’s almost tomorrow already, Taehyung noted as he walked into his room that he shared with Namjoon. Looking up to the clock, he mentally started the minutes he would take to undress and put on his pajamas plus running to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Be damned having showers this late, he said internally. It was around twelve, err, fifteen minutes (?) for him to finish it all and flopped into his fluffy bed. His temperature went up, he supposes as he laid an arm to shield his eyes. He didn’t hear his roommate coming in. Must have another thing to do, he thought. Ah, the life of a leader. Nah, this isn’t the time to contemplate anything. It’s in his best interest to be asleep as he had a schedule at six.
Taehyung woke up.
No. No, he didn’t set an alarm because he promptly fell asleep as he tried to contemplate something. His mind drifted off as he succumbed to his body’s need: sleep. His throat is parched, his tongue is heavy like the weight Atlas had on his back. He rubbed at his eyes groggily, wondering why did he woke up. But as he tried to sit up and squinted, he saw that it was bright outside already. His windows proved him that it is morning already, and not the usual five a.m. morning. It’s more like… eight in the morning. Did no one woke him up, or at least tried to? Don’t they have a schedule today? Like earlier?
Taehyung sat up on his bed and rubbed at his face. After a few minutes of staring blankly and huffing, he stood up and made his way to the bathroom. As he walked he didn’t hear anything, not angry managers, huffing hyungs, and clangs of dishes as Jin would have likely put away. He turned the doorknob, and he wasn’t met with silence.
Unpuzzle my lego. Hectic days, keeping myself busy. Distraction filled schedule, but I won’t forget.
Burned into the back of my mind like tattoo.
Burn, he felt and burn he did. Unexpected lump in his chest had made its way to his throat, clogging him. He can’t breathe. Why is it like this, he thought. What is this? He had, perhaps, thought that he would have walked in to a member showering or something but not this. An image, his brain supplies but it sure doesn’t seem like an image. He saw himself keeling over in a pool of crimson. His hands trembled at the memory that resurfaced. Flowers had been there, thrown out along with the blood. He had remembered the agonizingly empty feeling in his chest. The fact that there’s no flower to throw out anymore and yet, tears are still going strong on his face. He didn’t want to remember but for some reason, he did.
Memories are strings of images and feelings. Memories are what made him cry right now. A certain flower people wouldn’t have described him as, a certain flower Taehyung often described that person as. A sunflower, tall and strong… amazing in all aspects of life. A pole for him to go home to. A light.
I am embracing you always inside my heart forever.
For the life of him, Taehyung couldn’t forget everything not now and not even then. He remembers the sleepless night, but those memories are accompanied by something else. The bittersweet moments he had with the person he had loved, someone he could reach out to and yet someone he couldn’t tell his heartfelt feelings for said person. Each night that he sleeps with a smile on were also nights that his pillow had been stained with tears and muffled screams. His heart, his lungs, and his whole being were almost given up on his soul. On his love that flourished his flower, that also brought a certain death in his mind. A part of him might have been lost then, a part nobody had touched. It was gone in blink as if there was never a storm that waltzed into his life, his heart.
His vision is blurry now, he couldn’t tell who is crying harder than who now. Was it him or was it his image? He didn’t know anymore. Taehyung turned his back into the door and sobs his heart out, as he sat down on the floor he figured what he had to do. It was better than nothing, he supposes. This is a dream after all, to end this suffering he felt would only be a mere walk away. He just had to get up. For real.
He dragged himself up and nearly fell, but he made it with quite the effort. He cast a last look to the image, he remembered that he had wished somebody –anybody –to found him that day. Found him and asked him what the hell happened. But no such person is there. His breathing had evened out, and he wets his chapped lips as he walked to his room. Although his stride falters at times, he reached his sanctuary. A place where nobody would hear his anguish and bleeding love at three in the morning. He mourns for his heart later, he chided himself. For now, for now let’s just woke up. Before he could reach the bed though, he was yanked back.
This unchanging feeling is the same as from back then.
Someone is shaking him, calling his name and nicknames. “Tae! Taehyung! Wake up!” his eyes are still unfocused but he could make out Jin’s feature, his ears are ringing but he definitely heard Yoongi’s rumbling from the seat in front of him. Jin is still shaking the sleep out of Taehyung’s body even as he mumbled incoherent things. Like… “Hyung. I’m sleeping” to which Jimin answered with a sleepy “No, you’re not” along with Jin’s huff.
At last he did get up though, only because he has a photoshoot. Near the sea at six in the morning. He just wants to say good bye to his needed sleep as Jeongguk jumped into his back. Ah, he’s definitely a rabbit, alright. So energetic, he thought darkly. Although he did smile his boxy smile as he walked with a slightly sober Jeongguk on his back. The staffs then called them over for some brief briefing plus coffees and a hot chocolate for Taehyung.
The sun is pretty high today, and pretty too. Or was it the sky? His brain hadn’t had its food after all. His body too, he feels starving rather than hungry (as if he just ran all the way from his family home to where he is now). But that is for later as the makeup noonas are rushing in for them to get ready along with the coordi noonas.
I gotta let you know that I need to let you go.
He yawns for the last time as he is being peppered with foundations and all of that makeup stuffs. He rest his warm mind as he take a breath of the summer’s wind. Ah, such a nice morning… did I bring my camera? I suppose I did, he thought. With that his breathing evened out and unknowingly he bring closer a piece he had let go. Or maybe he’s letting go and is cherishing it for the last time, exactly like how he said it to himself countless of time before.
“Taehyung-ah! Are you done yet?”
But I can’t run. Everything is inside your smile, truth. Flutter already flower petals shower. I’ll be by your side, we’ll be okay.
At least he told himself so.