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Letting Go

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Amanda stepped into Olivia’s apartment quietly, taking off her coat and clicking the door shut behind her. After she’d turned the deadbolt, she looked at the time on her phone; 11:53 PM. It was later than the blonde normally got back from work, but she and her girlfriend had both been on a case for nearly two days, and they’d even had to ask their sitters to take Noah and Jesse for a few days, so they could focus and rest. She’d sent Olivia home about an hour and a half earlier, noticing that the brunette was starting to fall asleep at her desk while Carisi rattled off details about a lead he’d come up with. She was emotionally drained, Amanda could tell; the case wasn’t much different from anything else they’d had before, but it involved a brutal kidnap and torture that Amanda was certain couldn’t have been good for Olivia’s mental health.

She tiptoed across the hardwood floor in their kitchen – their kitchen, she repeated in her mind – careful not to step on any creaky spots in the panels. She took out a mug from the far cabinet and put it next to the coffee maker, taking out a Keurig pod and putting it next to the mug. It was something she always did for Liv, putting everything next to the coffee maker so when she woke up drowsy all she had to do was fumble around for the pod and shove it in the Keurig. She hadn’t fully moved in yet, and they only occasionally spent the night together, but she knew this space almost as well as she knew Olivia by this point. Which faucets leaked, which cabinets creaked when they opened, and how not to wake the sleeping giant that usually occupied the first door on the right down the hall. She loved knowing those little things, loved getting to know every little thing she could about her Liv, and she’d never get tired of it.

Once she’d set up her coffee and turned off the light, she walked through the hall quietly and knocked on Olivia’s bedroom door. She noticed the light was on, as it was filtering through the bottom of the door, and she wondered why Olivia was still awake. “Liv, baby? I’m home.”

When she didn’t receive a response, she opened the door slowly to reveal a very sleepy, disheveled Olivia sprawled out on the bed, one arm covering her eyes and a soft snore escaping her lips. Amanda only watched for a moment, smiling at how silly but sexy Liv looked in her oversize t-shirt and pajama shorts. Her hair was fanned out around her and over her eyes slightly, and there was a file in her left hand, which had since loosened its grip. Amanda walked over to the bed, pulling a blanket halfway up Olivia’s body, and she felt the older woman shiver lightly and shift towards her.

“Hey, baby,” Amanda cooed softly, pushing Olivia’s hair out of her face when she moved her arm and kissing her forehead. Her blue eyes quickly met half-closed brown ones, and she saw Olivia smile minutely despite the stress she was probably under. “You feeling okay?”

“Mm mm,” Olivia replied, shaking her head minutely and sighing.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No,” she whispered, leaning up and kissing Amanda gently on the lips.

“That’s okay, sweetheart,” Amanda relented, laying next to her and pulling the blanket over their shoulders. “You don’t have to.” She breathed in Olivia’s scent deeply; she’d taken a shower, she supposed, because her hair smelled strongly of the vanilla honey shampoo she loved, and she had a faint taste of cabernet lingering on her lips when she started to kiss her.

Olivia pulled back after a moment and Amanda immediately saw fire in the older woman’s eyes.

“We should get some sleep, hm?” Amanda suggested, knowing it would probably be futile.

“’Manda,” Olivia said sleepily, pulling her in by the back of her neck and kissing her hard. Amanda sighed and ran her fingers through still-damp hair, throwing her right leg over Olivia’s left and tangling them together while they kissed. When Olivia pulled back moments later, Amanda was panting.

“…want you,” she said simply. “Please, baby?”

The pleading whine in her tone nearly made Amanda melt right then and there. She loved it when Olivia was like this; not stressed, of course, but sleepy and needy. She knew, though, that Olivia’s mind probably wasn’t in the best state, and so she hesitated briefly.

“Are you sure?”

Olivia smiled reassuringly, as if she knew exactly what the blonde was thinking. “Yes. I’m sure. Please.”

Amanda knew then why Olivia didn’t want to talk about it. She’d been put under so much pressure within the last two days to be in the know, to know everything, to have everything under control, and she couldn’t. She had been in control for nearly 48 hours, and Amanda saw in her eyes that she was so, so tired of it. The way she was holding her, the way she started to kiss her again, languidly and slowly, and the way that she was keening and whining every time Amanda touched her told her exactly what the Lieutenant wanted. She would, of course, oblige.

“You want me inside you, don’t you, hon? You want me to fuck you?”

Olivia just moaned and shivered in her arms, relaxing into her and burying her face in Amanda’s neck. Amanda took that as a yes and shifted so she could step off of the bed, leaving Olivia pouting.

“Look at me.”

Olivia did as she was told, staying stock still as she locked their gazes. Her mouth was hanging open slightly and Amanda could see the anticipation and borderline fear on her face.

“Strip down to your panties and lay on your stomach for me. When I get back that’s exactly how I want to see you, understood?”

Olivia nodded quickly and fumbled for the hem of her t-shirt as Amanda walked out, and the blonde quickly went into the bathroom and started taking of her own clothes. She reached down underneath the sink and quickly found the strap-on with its harness. They kept it in there because the cabinet had a child lock on it, meaning there wasn’t any danger of Noah somehow discovering it. Amanda shook her head to rid her mind of that terrifying thought, and as she walked out and back into the bedroom, she nearly fell to the floor.

Olivia was stripped as she’d been instructed, and she was laying on her belly, hair flipped to one side and chest heaving up and down as she breathed. Her hips were canted upwards and she was already whining when she heard the door open, and Amanda swore she could have died right then and there a happy woman. She loved how much the older woman wanted her, how good she made her feel, how much she trusted her and loved her.

Amanda hadn’t put on the harness just yet, so she laid it down on the end of the bed before crawling up and over her lieutenant ever so slowly. She brushed her lips across Olivia’s shoulder blade and up to her pulse point after a moment, making her shudder beneath her as she pressed their bodies together. She let her hands roam down soft, olive skin, down her sides and her back with featherlight pressure. She smirked when Olivia keened towards her and let out the first loud, real moan of the night.

“Like that baby?” she cooed gently, nipping at her neck and rotating her hips downward to provide any skin-to-skin contact that she possibly could.

Olivia nodded gently and let out a long breath, and Amanda remembered something.

“You can speak, love. I didn’t say you couldn’t.”

“Thank you,” Olivia breathed, her voice high-pitched and breathy. That was Amanda’s cue. She started aggressively kissing and nipping down her body, starting at her shoulder blades and moving down to her sides, her lower back, and her ass. She gripped her hips tightly and grabbed her ass occasionally, once slapping her right cheek and hearing Olivia let out a choked moan that sent any blood south that wasn’t there already. She loved the way the brunette reacted for her; every moan signaled something different and allowed her to more easily maneuver her lover’s body. She felt her tremble slightly beneath her and buck her hips back.

“Please, Amanda…fuck…”

“Begging already?” she said, smacking her ass sharply and making Olivia suck in a breath. “Good girl. Maybe I’ll be nice, hm?”

Olivia just let out a muffled, frustrated grunt, and Amanda laughed, kissing in between her shoulder blades lovingly before going down to lap and bite at her inner thighs. She told Olivia to spread her legs, and she did without hesitation. Amanda’s mouth watered when she saw how wet her girlfriend was for her already, and she wasted no time, lowering her mouth to her pussy and hearing Olivia yelp above her. She held a hand out and laced her fingers with Olivia’s, her other hand holding her left leg firmly to keep her legs from clamping down on her. She could never get over how good she tasted; she was so sweet it drove her crazy, and she canted her own hips and moaned into her girlfriend’s pussy, causing the other woman to tremble above her and whimper.

After a few moments she pulled back, wiping her chin quickly and kissing her inner right thigh. “Put your ass in the air for me,” she murmured, starting to lift Olivia’s hips. Olivia obliged, and Amanda went right back to work, the angle making it much easier to find her clit and suck on it sharply. She older woman rested her head on her forearm, and let out a loud, full moan.

“Don’t you dare stop,” she whispered sharply, canting her hips towards her lover’s mouth in tandem with her movements. Every breath that left her lips was a pant now, and Amanda wanted to drag this out as much as she could. She liked to build up the first release for Liv on days like this, wanted to make it so fucking good she could hardly stand it, and she would. She gripped her thighs hard to brace herself while she thrust her tongue inside Olivia, letting the older woman rock back and forth while she lapped at her. For a few minutes, the only sounds she heard were Olivia’s moans and soft begging and the occasional creak of their mattress when Olivia bucked wildly towards her.

Amanda pulled back for breath and stopped briefly, hearing Olivia begin to whine in frustration before she buried two digits into her. Her whine broke into a loud moan, and her head dropped to the pillow as she rose to her elbows. As Amanda worked her fingers in and out, curling them just so every few thrusts, she knew Olivia wasn’t going to be able to take it much longer.


“Not yet, sweetie,” she said smoothly, running her other hand up Olivia’s back and leaning over her. She pulled her fingers out of her and licked them clean, her knees nearly buckling at how fucking amazing she tasted all over again. “Fuck. One second, yeah?”

Olivia nodded fiercely, and Amanda could see her nostrils flaring as she took deep, quick breaths to bring herself down. Amanda backed off of her and grabbed the harness. “How do you want me?”

Olivia let out a high-pitched, soft moan before replying. “Tie me down.”

The depth of Olivia’s tone made Amanda’s thighs quiver as she stood beside the bed, and she almost had to sit down. “Handcuffs?” She saw Olivia nod and so she reached into their bedside drawer and pulled them out. They were leather and pulled much less that the police commissioned ones they’d used in the beginning. Olivia turned to lay on her back and let out a heaving breath that Amanda supposed she’d been holding for a while. She spoke softly as she buckled the harness and moved to cuff Olivia’s hands to the bedframe.


“Ten-thirteen.” They’d made it up jokingly one night and had always used it since.

“Good girl,” Amanda praised her, hovering over her on her knees and pressing soft kisses to her collarbones. She raked the nails on her right hand down her stomach, watching her lover’s back arch and feeling her shiver.


“God, Amanda, just get on with it alrea – Oh!”

At that outburst, Amanda thrust sharply into the older woman, hissing out a breath through clenched teeth as she felt the base grind against her own clit. “As you wish.”

“Fuck,” Olivia whispered, over and over as Amanda started a slow rhythm, pulling out slowly and then thrusting back in hard to hear her lover yelp. She felt Olivia’s legs shaking, and so she brought a hand behind her to pull Olivia’s right leg to her back.

“Hold onto me, hon.”

Olivia hooked her ankles behind Amanda’s lower back as the younger woman pulled her up, holding her back with her right hand and bracing herself with the other. She started to speed up her thrusting, keeping the exact rhythm she knew would bring Olivia close but not let her tip over. Olivia’s hands struggled with the cuffs as she tried to pull herself up, and Amanda moaned, nipping at her neck and hearing her yelp above her. She sped up her thrusts to a punishing pace after a few minutes, and Olivia’s moans became near screams as Amanda’s own release started building. Every time she thrusted, the base of the toy ground against her clit in a way that would have her seeing stars in an extremely short time, she knew.

“’Manda,” Olivia breathed, throwing her head back against the pillow and shutting her eyes tight. “Fuck, ‘m close…”

“Fuck, Liv,” Amanda breathed at the sight of her, keeping her rhythm steady and gripping her right hip tightly to help her lover keep up. She was almost through just looking at her with her hair fanned out across her face and the pillow, nose scrunched up and mouth open in a constant moan. Amanda started rubbing her clit with her thumb and knew that would do it. “Come for me then, baby, I’ve got you.”

Olivia screamed, arching her back and pulling sharply against the handcuffs, and Amanda could feel her tightening around the toy enough that it was almost hard to thrust into her. Olivia kept screaming her name over and over, and after the fourth time Amanda came with her, her hips stuttering as she arched forward and moaned, biting down lightly on Olivia’s shoulder to stifle how embarrassingly high-pitched it was. They both came down together, panting and whining occasionally as the aftershocks subsided, and Amanda eventually unbuckled the harness and threw it to the side.

A few minutes passed, and Amanda laid down beside Olivia with one leg draped over hers and her head laying on her chest. She forced herself upright and undid the cuffs, rubbing Olivia’s wrists gently and kissing each one, putting one leg on either side of Olivia as she leaned over her.

“Liv? You okay?”

Olivia opened one eye sleepily and giggled loudly. “Yeah. I’m pretty good at the moment.”

Amanda patted her arm playfully and laughed with her before getting up and walking to the bathroom. She came back with a warm washcloth after having cleaned herself up and did the same for Olivia before tossing it in the hamper and curling up with her girlfriend under the sheet. She pulled Olivia’s head to her chest and listened to her breathing steady itself.

“I love you, Liv.”

She felt strong arms wrap around her torso and squeeze gently.

“I love you too. More than anything.”