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Five Times Kakashi Was a Useless Bisexual and One Time Iruka Was a Useless Gay

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Kakashi liked to think he was pretty cool and calm under pressure. He rarely let anyone get under his skin during a fight and knew to act logically. He tutored his young ninja students with amazing patience considering who the three of them were. He especially kept a cool head during his day to day life and some days that was nearly impossible but here he was, a cool, calm, collected ninja revered by the Leaf Village and most of the surrounding villages too.

That is… until he fell headband over open toed sandals for Iruka Umino.


Kakashi felt like he had been tied up in a bag and thrown down fifty flights of stairs then kicked in the head when he reached the bottom. It was pretty close to the truth but there hadn’t been a bag. He shot a look around the hall and took a moment to arch his back, rubbing his palms over the aching bones and groaning quietly when he heard a nice satisfying c-r-r-rack ! Kakashi loosed a soft sigh and continued on his way to the mission room. His report was half filled out and resembling more of a ball than an actual piece of paper. he had gone to great lengths to find a glittery pen to fill this one out, he hoped it drove Iruka, the object of his frustrated fantasies, crazy with annoyance.

The man in question was at the desk chatting happily with Genma who had come in ahead of Kakashi. The copy-nin’s mind began to wander. He slipped into thoughts of pushing Genma aside, telling Iruka that if he’s looking to waste his time on a jounin with an oral fixation he can do a hell of a lot better.

Kakashi let himself slip so far into this fantasy of kissing Iruka right there, onlookers be damned, that he didn’t notice he was next until Iruka was clearing his throat and looking at him with confusion.

“You can do a hell of a lot better.” Tumbled from behind Kakashi’s mask before he knew what he was saying.

Iruka blinked. Kakashi would have gladly leaped out the window and never returned if he thought he could get away with it. Instead he just stood there, looking bland, and trying to figure out a way he could play that line off.

“What?” The teacher asked, his voice just on the edge of poisonous.

“Hm?” Kakashi asked, thanking whichever god was listening that his gloves covered the sweat pooling on his palms. “Oh, sorry simply having a conversation with myself on how I could have gotten a better pen for this report.” He handed it in and disappeared in a puff of smoke before any more questions could be asked.


Every inch of Kakashi’s body hurt. He staggered back into Konoha, glad the front gate was void of people at this late hour. The Hokage had sent him out on a secret mission that he hadn’t even told Team Seven about before departing. A soft, quiet, part of him hoped they were doing okay and that Naruto was eating his veggies. That was not supposed to be part of his shinobi way…

His mind drifted to a nice hot soak then spending the rest of the night reading his new Icha Icha novel. Iruka being there to cuddle with would be nice too , that same soft part of his brain chimed in. It was true, the teacher would make a nice addition to his bed. Warm and sweet, if he was lucky Iruka already be half asleep sitting up waiting for him.

“You should be asleep.” He would whisper, gently running his hands over the man’s long brown hair. “What if I hadn’t made it back tonight? You have work tomorrow…”

“Seeing you is worth being a little tired.” Iruka would whisper back through a yawn, reaching up to pull his mask down and plant a kiss on his lips. “Plans to soak your tired bones?” He would tease as Kakashi pressed soft kisses to his mouth and cheeks.

“Mhm.” Kakashi would mouth into his neck, “I can be persuaded to change them...”

“No, senpai,” Iruka would quip, holding him in place with his hair, “I was just curious if there was room in the tub for two.”


Kakashi nearly tripped in surprise as the voice cut out of the darkness and he spun around to see Iruka hustling toward him holding a bag.

“Kakashi, welcome back!”

“Thank you, you too.” Kakashi wanted to fucking die.

Iruka frowned slightly but seemed to decide against asking him what the fuck was wrong with him and instead held out the bag. “Naruto and I went to get ramen this evening and he wanted to get some for you, I am sad to say he fell asleep a few hours ago and can’t give you this himself.” Iruka held the bag out and Kakashi stared at him blankly for a few seconds before realizing he was supposed to take it.

“Thank you.” He said, pleased that this time it made sense, “He rather takes after you, Iruka-sensei.” Kakashi smiled at the man and felt himself regain his footing when he saw the tell tale blush on Iruka’s cheeks.

“I, well, thank you.” He reached to rub the back of his neck, looking down at his feet. Holy hell this guy was too cute to be allowed out. “Anyway, there is ramen and some buns in there, I figured you might like a little variety.”

“Eating buns is my favorite.” Kakashi answered because this handsome little man basically turned his brain to mush and he was incapable of holding a conversation with him without sounding like a moron.

They stared at each other. Kakashi wondering if it would be too impolite to just poof away at this point, and Iruka clearly trying to decide if he was supposed to ignore the stroke Kakashi just had.

“It’s late.” The teacher finally settled on before reaching to clap Kakashi’s shoulder and turn around to make his way back into the dark.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Kakashi told himself as he reached into the bag and pulled out a bun.


Kakashi had a good reason to be at the school, he knew he did. There was a reason he had come to visit this part of the school, it probably had something to do with Naruto. He swore this time he had had a really good reason he was lurking by Iruka Umino’s classroom. All memory of what that reason was fled his mind when he peeked in and saw Iruka puffing on a cigarette.

The smoke curled around the teacher’s head lending him an air of seductive mystery. Distantly Kakashi heard himself thinking ‘that’s a really nasty habit’ but all he could focus on was the way Iruka looked with his lips parted. He was exhaling softly and tendrils of smoke creeping up to halo his head.

“You’re staring.” Iruka would mutter, not looking up from his papers, used to Kakashi being mesmerized by him by now.

“Just looking.” Kakashi would respond, snapped from his trance and moving in to sit on the desk. “It’s a filthy habit you’ve got.” He would breathe, watching the cigarette smolder between Iruka’s fingers.

“More filthy than reading porn in public?” Iruka would tease. Walking his fingers up the inside of Kakashi’s leg and pinching his thigh with a salacious smile.

“Reading the mastery that is Icha Icha will not give me lung cancer or give my mouth an awful taste.” Kakashi countered, well aware that he was starting at Iruka’s mouth like a starving man.

“Awful taste?” Iruka asked like he was offended, reaching out to beckon Kakashi closer with a crook of his finger, and why the fuck did he suddenly find that so damn arousing? “Come here, Senpai, tell me how I taste to you.”

“Oh thank god it’s only you!”

Kakashi startled, the sound of Iruka’s actual voice yanking him out of his fantasy. The man was still talking and gesturing with his cigarette, Kakashi felt like one of his hounds watching him wave around a ball. Totally captivated.

“I know Asuma gets away with it but he has more of a bad ass reputation than I do.” Kakashi managed to bring his eyes into focus to watch Iruka take a final drag and sigh it out into the air between them.

Kakashi swallowed.

“Sorry, is there something you needed to talk to me about?” Iruka finally asked, his cheeks blushing red as he realized how long he has been talking.

“Delicious.” Kakashi said.

The two of them stared at each other for long enough that Iruka took a breath and opened his mouth to ask 'what in the hell?’ At least Kakashi assumed that was what he was going to ask because as soon as Iruka opened his mouth Kakashi had turned in his heel and bolted from the classroom.

I hope a fall from this height kills me. Kakashi said thought as he leaped out of the closest available window.


Kakashi went to great pains to ensure he came off as an aloof pervert. He carried an Icha Icha everywhere and kept his nose hidden in it as often as he could. He really did love the story but it also had a lot to do with the fact that he had realized at a young age if he read it in public people were less likely to talk to him. Not talking to people had been a big focus of his for a long, long, time.

This is all a very long way of saying Kakashi did read books other than Icha Icha, but he didn’t like other people knowing that.

There was exactly one person in the village who knew that Kakashi liked mushy romance novels as much as he liked the porn saturated ones and that was Fukumi. She was the owner of a discount bookstore tucked into an out of the way street. The shop was rarely visited and Kakashi had a suspicion that he was the only reason she was still in business. Fukumi was very understanding about wrapping his purchases in brown paper unless they were his trademark pornos. She had originally been the one to recommend the mushy romances he had come to love and on more than one occasion he had hung around the empty shop discussing the characters with her. They had a pretty heated disagreement on who the heroine should end up with.

Kakashi had an extra spring in his step today. The most recent novel has set his favorite of the two suitors to end up with the heroine and he was excited to rub it in the Fukumi’s face.

“You really recommend this one? Remember I want Naruto to at least kind of enjoy it…”

No, no, no, no!

Kakashi laid himself flat against a bookshelf and beeped between the shelves. Yep, there he was. Iruka Umino was holding a book and looking at the shopkeeper skeptically.

Kakashi wanted to step around and take the book out of his hand.

“This should be good for Naruto, but I have a recommendation for you.” He would say, reaching behind the counter to where the shop keep hid his reserved copies and presenting it to Iruka. Kakashi was dimly aware that doing that would open himself up to Iruka in a way that not even Gai had seen but he found he didn’t mind it all that much.

Iruka would chuckle, soft and warm, “Thank you Kakashi-sama, but I am not a big fan of porn books.”

“I can promise there is not much of that in this and where there is it is completely tasteful.” He would flip open to a page and offer it to Iruka, a nice soft scene between the heroine and one of her two male suitors, Kakashi’s favorite scene. “It’s more about love, deeply devoted love between a mysterious ninja and a badass princess who would rather read than attend a ball.”

Iruka would laugh again, leaning into the warmth of Kakashi, “Oh, it sounds interesting, you know I am always interested in mysterious ninjas.” He would wink, Kakashi felt himself blush just thinking about Iruka leaning around him to set down the copy of the book. “Who knows, Senpai, maybe I'll even let you read it to me one day.”


Kakashi really thought he might have managed to save face on this interaction if only he hadn’t smashed his face into the bookshelf when he was jerked back to reality.

“Mother fuck!” He barked, he has banged his forehead right between his forehead protector and his Sharingan.

“Oh no!” Iruka moved in quickly to steady him, Kakashi was too focused on willing the blush off his mostly covered face to think about batting him away, “I didn’t mean to startle you,” There was a grin in Iruka’s voice, Kakashi really couldn’t blame him… “I thought that would be harder to do but I think this if four times in a month.”

“He’s as jumpy as a genin.” Fukumi said, watching them from behind her counter with a smile that said she knew exactly why Kakashi was so distracted around Iruka. Kakashi shot her the finger as discretely as he could. “Perhaps you should kiss his boo boo better, Iruka-sensi, speed up the healing process.”

Iruka laughed and Kakashi’s brain short circuited.

“I am not sure how much healing chakra I can channel to my lips.” Iruka replied.

“Lots actually, it’s pretty common in novels for that to be how someone revives their lover.”

The store fell dead silent. Iruka blinked. Fukumi looked like she was struggling to keep her laughter in check.

“Do…” Iruka started, licking his lips like his mouth had just gone very very dry, “I don’t… Do you want me to kiss you?”

Kakashi felt bad for kneeing him in the stomach, twisting out of his grasp, and feeling from the shop like a bat out of hell, but really what the hell else was he supposed to do?




“Yes My Most Treasured Rival?”

“I think I need you to kill me.”

He had woken up with lips that felt like he had been kissed with ferocity and fingerprint bruises on his thigh. That would have been fine, if a little confusing, on it’s own. The true reason for his wanting to die was the soft starburst of brown hair on his pillow this morning and the hand that had been so warm and comforting as it had rested on his chest. Iruka Umino was a damn knockout when he was sleeping.

“And Why Would You Need Me To Do That When You Have Finally Brought Home The Man Of Your Most Obvious Affections?”

Kakashi was too tired to deal with this. h e was too tired to deal with Iruka in his bed or Gai in his kitchen making omelettes or the fact that he felt like he had been kissed better than he had been kissed in years.

“What if I took advantage of him?” Kakashi demanded, putting a hand in his hair and realizing that he as without his mask and his forehead protector. “What if I… What if I really fucked up and--”

“You didn’t fuck up but you are too loud.” Out Iruka walked, wearing boxer shorts and one of Kakashi’s over large shirts. Gai smiled at him widely and began saying something about feeding him after a night of the ravenous celebration of love and youth but Kakashi couldn’t hear him. Iruka was in his home, wearing his things, his hair was down, he was yawning and looked soft and sleep warm.

“What…?” He asked, he knew the next part should be ‘happened’ but he couldn’t get his mouth to form the words as he watched Iruka move around the kitchen, going for the little used tea kettle. Kakashi had imagined this so many times and Iruka looked… Perfect…

“What happened?” Iruka asked, setting the kettle on the stove and turning to look at Kakashi with a somewhat exhausted grin.

“You’re so pretty.” His mouth supplied instead of a real answer. Kakashi did his best to ignore the look of delight on Gai’s face and instead focus on the blush that crawled up Iruka’s cheeks instead.

“Thank you, well I came into the bar you were drinking at and you pushed three people out of the way to offer to buy a drink for me, you were pretty drunk already.” Kakashi remembered that vaguely, his head was spinning a little bit but he made his way to Iruka like the teacher was his mission objective. “I agreed to it, you’ve been acting pretty weird around me for so long now I wanted to see if you would tell me why.” Kakashi knew his whole face was red now and he didn’t even have a mask to protect his rosy red cheeks. He remembered what he said. “You told me I was so damn pretty you couldn’t remember who you were when I was in the room and that you just wanted to take me home and tell me that over and over.”

If sinking into the floor and dying had been an option Kakashi would have taken it. Gai was still there, why the fuck was Gai still there?

“I wanted to get you back home because you seemed pretty far out of it.” Iruka continued, turning to take the now whistling kettle off the stove and begin fixing tea with the packets of it Kakashi had forgotten about but Iruka had no trouble finding. “I didn’t know where you lived though so Gai offered to help.” Iruka shrugged like that was the end of the story. Kakashi knew it wasn’t but figured Gai’s presence was going to keep him away from the steamy details.

“Well… Good, I’m, uh, glad you got me back.” He looked to Gai and nodded, “Thank you, Gai.”

“Any Time, My Most Excellent Rival, Now Eat Your Breakfast, We Have Much Training To Do!”

“No, but…” Kakashi started, his eyes darting to Iruka but the teacher just grinned, taking his mug of tea and leaning in to kiss Kakashi on this cheekbone, his free hand sneaking down to grope his ass.

Kakashi was pretty sure his brain simply collapsed into goop at that.

“I’ll see you later, Kakashi-Senpai.” He said, heading back toward the bedroom, “After all, you did promise to read a book for me in the tub and tell me how my, oh what was it, ashtray kisses tasted.”

The only thing keeping Kakashi from running out of his house and into the woods to start a new life as a friendless hermit was Gai grabbing him around the midriff and holding him as Iruka walked into the bedroom laughing.



Kakashi had moved in with Iruka a few months ago. Iruka had a larger place and Kakashi had been in his jonin lodgings for far too long and accumulated far too many sad memories in it to want to stay. They had taken it surprisingly slow especially considering their first date had been a lunch in Kakashi’s home after the two had woken up together earlier that morning. All told they had been together over a year now and Iruka had loved every single second of it. Fights, absences, and week long hospital stays that mostly involved trying to trap Kakashi in the room included. Iruka was so insanely in love with Kakashi Hatake there were days when he honestly did know how he survived before the copy nin had come into his life.

That was why he was going to propose.

The ring was picked, solid black on the outside and cobalt blue on the inside. He had the whole evening planned, dinner would be saury with miso and eggplant. He made sure to get Kakashi off mission rotation and himself off mission desk rotation for the weekend, Naruto was busy with training, nothing was going to get in the way of this being the perfect night.

Well, Kakashi might. The man was acting weird to a point that it was nearly scaring Iruka. The moment he walked in the house he seemed on edge, not even sniffing the relaxing when Iruka told him what was for dinner.

“Oh, uh, I’m not really-- can we go out?” He asked, bouncing from one heel to the other, “I was, just, you like ramen, I was thinking we could get some of that tonight.”

Iruka chuckled, trying to diffuse some tension, “Buns too?”

“Buns, yeah, like buns.” Kakashi said distractedly.

“I guess,” Iruka’s fingers fidgeted on the lid of the pot he was using, “I was just thinking we could stay in tonight, just enjoy some time for the two of us.” Iruka looked at the man under his lashes, normally a trick that drove Kakashi wild, but tonight he was looking everywhere but at Iruka.

“We can wrap this up.” Kakashi was fidgeting with something in his pocket “Leftovers or something, good for the weekend, eggplant keeps.”

Iruka felt his heart sink, something was up, something was wrong. Kakashi wasn’t going to break up with him was he? No, that would be crazy… He looked to the man who was looking at the door with a single minded intensity and sighed internally before smiling, “Yeah, ramen sounds good.”

Kakashi gave him a smile that looked more like a grimace even under his mask. Iruka reached into his pocket and wrapped his hand around the ring.

It was all… so very good while it lasted.

The walk to the ramen stall was long and charged with anxiety. Kakashi would stop every few steps, turn to Iruka, and then shake his head and keep going. Iruka felt like crying by the time they finally arrived.

The streets were almost entirely empty and the ramen shop stood in the quiet night completely vacant. Iruka was upset but not enough to ignore the fact that that seemed kind of odd. He looked around, frowning. It was a Friday, there should be people out and about, instead the night was quiet and calm.

“Okay, uh, okay, I wanted to ask you this for a while.”

Kakashi’s voice caught his attention and he turned back around, dimly thinking that perhaps the man had cleared the street so he could break up with the teacher in peace. Iruka turned to Kakashi, blinking for a moment when he couldn’t find the man at first.

Then he looked down.


Kakashi was holding up a rose-gold ring and looking at Iruka with terror in his eyes, “I actually wanted to ask you three weeks after we first met but, uh, marriage has never been something I wanted and I didn’t even know I could want it and then you happened and then I stood around acting like an idiot for a month and then i woke up with you in my bed and then…” He took a breath and pressed on, “Iruka Umino I love you and I want to keep waking up with you in my bed for the rest of my life, will you marry me?”

“Oh for-- fuck you!” Iruka groaned, running a hand over his face.

“What!?” Kakashi squeaked, his voice having traveled up by several octaves.

“Oh,” Iruka suddenly realized what had happened and nearly fell over in his quest to get to Kakashi on the ground, “Oh shit, no I’m so sorry, I mean yes, of course I’ll marry you.” He laughed breathlessly and pulled a ring from his pocket, fumbling it in his sweaty fingers and nearly losing it as he laughed and pressed into his boyfriend. “I was going to propose to you, Hatake.” He laughed, watching Kakashi’s eye go wide with surprise and then crinkle in a grin as he took the ring. “Why do you think I cooked?”

“I don’t know.” Kakashi breathed as he marveled at the ring then his head snapped up, “Wait, yes? You said yes?”

Iruka barked out a laugh that bordered on hysterical as he grabbed Kakashi by the face and kissed him over his mask. “Put the ring on me, Kaka-chan.” He teased, shoving his hand in the man’s face and watching the jonin’s hands shake slightly as he slid the ring onto his finger. Iruka took Kakashi’s hand gently and slipped the his ring on, smiling at the way it stood out on his pale skin. Kakashi let out a giggle of delight and wrapped around Iruka to kiss him soundly before pulling back.

“He said yes!”

The curtain of the ramen stand flew open and Old Man Teuchi grinned widely, “Well come on in then, fellas! Engagement Ramen for the both of you and we have plenty of buns, Hatake-Sama, don’t you worry!”

Kakashi groaned and closed his eyes as he helped Iruka up and jerked him close enough that they were pressed together from shoulder to ankle. Two useless idiots than finally managed to find each other.