Work Header

Slap A Disclaimer On It, And Call It A Night

Work Text:

Bane paced back and force, clomping his hooves in the gravelly dirt. Back and forth, back and forth. For days, there had been something in the air. A malignancy simmering, brewing malcontent amongst all of the residents of the Forbidden Forest. (Someone purchase an industrial sized dehumidifier please). The sentient creatures recognized it and did their best to overcome it.  The baser creatures didn’t have the same control.


He’d seen the Giant Squid spear a grindylow, tossing it up above the surface of the Black Lake with dark glee. (Edie: I want to know how the giant squid got in the forest. Diane: Don’t centaurs drink? I thought the centaur would be standing on the shore. Edie: Maybe. And if they were in the right mood, they could make squid sashimi. Diane: yum… although, is giant squid sashimi probably much more rubbery in texture? Hmmm… maybe no giant squid sashimi for me. Edie: I would totally try it at least once. Diane: How many magical squid do you think there are? Edie: No one ever said it is magical. Diane: It throws kids around for fun. Or did I imagine it said that in one of the books?)


The Bowtruckles laid in wait, well-hidden in dappled groves, ready with their sharp fangs, looking to draw the blood of any unlucky wanderer.  Bane’s ear twitched in annoyance, a phantom reaction to the last time one of the little devils had managed to gain hold of him there.


And the Acromantulas… Well, the centaurs were instituting a wait and see policy there. The possibility remained that they’d kill themselves off with their infighting at this rate.  Ever since their sire had passed, they had lacked a strong enough leader to keep them in line.

Across the forest, the leader of the unicorns paced in a manner eerily similar to his arch-nemesis. The unicorns’ turf was comprised of loamier soil. Because they are sneaky little shits and liked how it muffled the sound. (Hey guys, there is a reason shag carpeting went out of style, slow your roll). The unicorn stopped his pacing, but was unable to stop the nervous movement of his front hoof.  Scruff, scruff.


He had rotated continuously through spies for days now. The centaurs had been planning an attack, of that he was sure. Ever since the previous Equinox, when the unicorns had managed to lay blame upon the centaurs…


The unicorns had nearly been caught unaware when the centaurs had been gifted a prize by the human younglings.


The unicorns heard the cheers and jeers from afar. They had crept up on the centaurs’ encampment, stealthily coming closer to witness the jubilation.


It had been a middling unicorn herd member who’d spotted a pink shoe in the mud. After that, they’d all kept close watch for other discarded items strewn along the path. It wasn’t until they were nearly upon the home of their rivals that they’d heard the muffled screams.


The centaurs had her tied to a tree, taunting her, throwing debris from the forest floor at her. For creatures who fancied themselves the brightest in the forest, they really weren’t very imaginative in their degradation.


When the centaurs grew tired of their boring words and even more boring way to prove they weren’t as dirty as the witch, they had left her their, shivering in the cold night air.


That’s when the unicorns crept in, taking over and teaching the bitch her real lesson.  The unicorns had not done it on purpose, but somehow they had managed to hide their identities in the dark well enough that the barely aware human thought it was the centaurs all along. The unicorns got off scott-free.


(Edie: Dude, that is dark af. Diane: The dark part is over now, I think. Edie: No it isn’t. It is you. Diane: Well, it is a story about gangs, so maybe?)


The unicorns were outgrowing their allotted area of the forest. Five years ago, their numbers had been nearly decimated by (voldemort and his regime of bad sashimi). The Dark Lord’s hunting, coupled with their fear, crashed their numbers.


The unicorns had fucked like crazy to celebrate after Harry Potter burnt the foul parasite off the purple turban-wearing stuttering professor. The results were evident in the number of nearly mature foals within their numbers. (Edie would like to note here that orgies are a good way to celebrate.)


Their next generation needed room to butt horns and raise their own young. The Acromantula’s hollows would serve their purposes. If they could just wrest it away before the centaurs swooped in.


(My unicorns are not pure creatures at all. Oh, hell no.)

The centaurs were ready to seek their revenge this night. The unicorns had taught them never to trust anyone again. Now the unicorns would pay for framing them. The centaurs would claim the Acromantulas’ lair along with the unicorns’ sweet grassy soil.


Bane banged his hoof against the stones beneath him, clack, clack, clack, gathering his gang behind him, readying them for attack with his melodious, taunting words:


“Waaarriors, come out to playyyy…”


(Edie: Inspiring af. (Diane takes a bow))

Hermione when was the last time you got Crookshanks neutered? Ron asked as he poked his head into the room


For heavens sake Ron, I told you, that is a thing that happens once


Are you sure you shouldn’t take him to get checked, he seems to be scratching a lot


Ron, what exactly do you think neutered means exactly?


Ron only shrugged, covered himself, in chocolate syrup and left the room. Oh thank god for spell check. Hermione was glad when he left because it meant that the vague smell of dirty brewery floor went with him.


Where is Ron? Harry asked as he entered the room.


On the lawn Hermione answered, her face in a book because she is Hermione. He heard the lyrics to that muggle song but I think he misunderstood them


What muggle song?

Asked Harry


I think he is trying to bring all the boys to the yard.


By covering himself in chocolate syrup?


Well he is a ginger Harry, how much fucking whiter can you get. His skin is basically the same pasty color as milk so maybe he thought that counted or something. Hermione said. She turned a page in her book, or tried to, and the pages stuck together. Ugh, what IS that substance? That was the last time she let Neville borrow her books. Gross.


How thick can you get? Harry asked, scratching his head at Ron’s antics.


That’s what she said, Hermione thought to herself. Aloud, she answered, I have to go Harry, I have a bone to pick with Neville.


Also what she said.




Okay, so Hermione closed her book and walked down the hall - how the fuck old are they? Is this school? Ah, whatever. I don’t even care. Sure, let’s call it hogwarts. Or somewhere. Couldn’t give a flying fuck. She walked down the hall…


Wait a sec, if this is hogwarts, why wouldn’t she go upstairs, yeah? Because Neville shares a dorm wit them. Goddamn it’s Hermione, turn around.


How did Harry get in her room? Did his broom fly over the enchanted stairs that keep boys out? Why didn’t anyone ever try that?


Thank you for thinking I thought that far ahead, Diane. I did not.


Hermione went up stairs to confront neverll about leaving her books all sticky when he borrows them - tf are teenage boys doing with books anyway? She only used a lock of her hair as a bookmark. Come to think of it, that was conspicuously missing. Weird.


What the fuck is this, the Victorian era? Locks of hair aren’t sexy.


They were in Victorian times. You treasured that shit and made jewelry out of it.


Why is Neville so creepy.


I blame gran.


Anyway, who should come down the stairs just as Hermione was going up them, but Draco.


Malfoy? TF are you doing in Gryffindor tower?/


I could ask you the same question.


Uhhh, I live here?//


Oh, right. Said Draco. I forgot.


I can see why you’re not a Ravenclaw, Hermione sniffed snottily


HA see what I did there? Eagle’s Nest aU because this is pure gold baby


AU = gold, you uneducated swine (Edie’s getting NaCl-y with y’all)  I do love chemistry jokes.




Uh, I just came here to confront Longbottom about borrowing my books and leaving them all sticky, Draco answered. It’s like, the fifth one he’s done.


Omg he did that to me too. Hermione exclaimed. Do you think he’s eating food in bed while he reads or something?


Sarcastically Draco drawled, yeah, granger, I’m sure Longbottom is just snacking on giant squid sashimi and unicorn farts (rainbow variety (™)) (He stole the squid from my centaurs. What kind of fool steals from centaurs?)


You can’t ™ shit, this is crack.



Anyway. Said Draco, yes, definitely what is happening.


Dammit Neville, the house elves work hard to keep this fuckingplace clean, Hermione fumed. Pushing past Draco, she stormed upstairs.


Neville! She exclaimed. Opening the door and flinging it open. What met her eyes was not a pretty sight at all. She swiftly shut the door.


Draco was looking at her sympathetically. You saw it too?


Oh, god… Hermione gasped, clutching her heart like some kind of southern grandmother when someone swears within 100 yards of a church, seamus and dean, I had no idea.


Really granger, you had NO IDEA? They’ve been giving one another fuck-me eyes for like the past seven years.


I must say I can sometimes be a bit oblivious…, she admitted.


Not as oblivious as the author, who just shut herself out of her own doc




Okay, so if you never noticed deanmus before, I wonder what else you haven’t noticed granger.


Deanmus? She scoffed. What kind of name is that?


It’s bttter than the alternative, he retorted.


Which is?


Thommigan .


Thomiggan? Why not something easy to pronounce, like Sean?




Oh, true.


(Thommigan, really? It sounds like tobbogan. Okay, whatever).


Okay, so you’re smart but oblivious. I’m guess it makes sense why you’re not a Ravenclaw either. All these years I wondered.


What s that supposed to mean?

She demanded.


Just that if you didn’t notice that, you probably also didn’t ….. uh, what is the word Crap. I can’t think of the Goddam word. Ummm. (Notice, the word is notice.)


Who exactly is forgetting the word here? Hermione exclaimed, tapping her foot in annoyance.


Er, sorry, that’s me. (I still can’t think the word, I don’t think it was notice).


Anyway, the point is. Hermione never noticed Draco had also been giving her fuck-me eyes for like, ever. That is the point. You get my drift. Capiche?


You can write capiche, but you can’t think of the word?


I can think of lots of annoyingly annoying words to use that aren’t quite right.


Dammit Diane, now I keep thinking of Deamus screwing on a tobbogan. That’s the one. Sled ?




Thank you, deus ex beta machina (that’s me she’s talking about)

Anyway, everyone is giving everyone else fuck-me eyes except for Neville, who still isn’t getting any, despite going through a highly productive puberty. Poor Neville, your time will come. Literally. Ba dum tss


What was the point of this again?


I can’t believe you changed my Deamus to Tommigan. I can’t even spell it on the first try.


Anyway, whatever. So Draco fucking Malfoy just


2 minutes left




Okay. Wrap it up.  Draco fucking Malfoy just grabs her and decides thi s is the moment for him to declare his undying love or some shit. Wake up, Hermione, he’s’ been giving you fuck-me eyes for like 6 books now, it’s actually kind of creepy.


Okay, yes, I agree, said Hermione, kissing him aback


Then Ron shows up, still covered in chocolate syrup. I has completely forgotten about the chocolate syrup by this point. Hey, I gotta tie that in somehow. Uhhh, woah, Hermione. Malfoy, really?/


Diane, you are interrupting important dialogue here. Yes , important .


Yeah, Ron, Malfoy really.


Uh, okay then, said Ron with a shrug. Because he’s not actually that much of a dick.  You guys wanna use my chocolate syrup?


Yes please.

And they disappeared into the dormitory (not the Deamus one, a different one). (Ron’s, they went into Ron’s, because Draco actually is a dick.) The end