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Tourniquet

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I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more (so much more)
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation

At school the four marauders had been inseparable since First Year. And though James had been the showiest, Remus felt more like the leader. After all, they had kept his secret, defended him to the Slytherins, become Animagi for him, and listened to his calming influences. They were his pack.

He and Siri had discovered deeper feelings for each other Fifth Year, though they still hung out with the others. Sixth Year James had finally managed to woo the stubborn Lily, Remy’s fellow prefect. Remus had been more than happy to welcome the brilliant girl into his pack. But as the couples grew closer together, Peter drifted away.

Sirius was too busy trying to pass his NEWTs and playing pranks. James was Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, and courting Lily, occasionally finding time to help Siri with the larger pranks. The Head Girl’s hands were full just trying to control the devilish duo. But Remy noticed. He saw Peter draw in upon himself, saw him fall behind more and more. But Remus did nothing, said nothing. There wasn’t room for five marauders anymore, and Peter was the one loosing. Or so Remy thought.

Now they had all lost. James and Lily were murdered, Siri had been wrongfully imprisoned, and was now lost to the veil. And Harry, the pride and joy of the marauders, over whose head the five had lain hands and sworn an oath to protect. Little Harry had lost the most. Every decent parent and home his step-godson had ever known had been taken from him, because of Peter. And because of Remus.

Remy hadn’t stopped James or Sirius from picking on Snape and the man had clearly taken out years of stored hatred on Harry. He couldn’t be James and Lily’s secret keeper because his mind was not guarded on the nights of the full moon. He couldn’t get over their stupid fight and hadn’t tried to talk to Siri until it was too late and the other man was in Azkaban. His transformation in Harry’s third year caused them to loose Peter, and his inability to find the rat in the time since had lost him Sirius to the mysterious veil in the Ministry.

Teaching Harry the Patronus wasn’t enough. Serving the Order of the Phoenix wasn’t enough. Remus saw the pain in Harry’s eyes every time the boy entered his and Siri’s home. It was the same weight Remy saw reflected in the mirror. But he deserved it; Harry did not.

Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side?
Will you forget me?
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation

“Siri, stop tormenting the Second Years and come here.” Remus stuck his head inside the portrait hole but didn’t go all the way in.

“No no no, that was last night, Remy.” Sirius called back, “It’s Fourth and Fifth Years tonight.”

Remus gave an exasperated snort. “Just get your lazy paws over here, Siri.” The other boy bounced up and, abandoning his followers, ran over to the portrait hole. Remy cast a finite incantatem at the group of younger students before letting the portrait close. Siri mumbled something that sounded like ‘no fair’ but Remus cut him off with a bruising kiss. He pulled the taller boy into a darkened alcove as the kiss deepened. When he finally pulled away, Sirius was panting heavily, but Remy’s inner wolf wasn’t satisfied. “C’mon.” he growled, dragging his boyfriend down the halls.

“Done with your rounds?” Siri managed to ask.

“Yup.”

“And James is taking Lily home for the weekend to meet Mom and Dad so…”

“…the Head Boy’s room is ours.” Remus finished, turning down the hall that lead to James’s suite. “Prongs.” He whispered and the wall slid open. Every portrait had eventually refused to guard the Gryffindor’s door, so they eventually spelled the wall to respond to the password.

The boys tumbled into the room in another flurry of kisses. Sirius tried to roll on top of his smaller lover, but Remus growled and flipped them over. “That time of the month, Love?” he smirked. Remus snarled and brought his head down for another bruising kiss. Siri liked the week leading up to the full moon, as his normally meek partner became the demanding aggressor. It made things interesting. A hand deliberately caressed the bulge in his jeans before moving up to his zipper and Siri refused to think any more.

Hours later, when the boys lay intertwined with each other and their breathing had slowed, Sirius broke the warm silence first. “That was amazing. What’s the occasion?”

“Sirius, I love you.”

“I love you too Remy.” The wolf whispered a spell and then grabbed his lover’s hand. Something small and cool was pressed into Siri’s palm. Looking down, he saw a small white-gold ring with one amber stone in it. Gasping, he met his lover’s golden brown eyes. “Really?”

Remus nodded, opening his own hand to reveal a matching ring with light blue stone and two pale chains. “Lily made the chains. They’ll stay on, even when we transform.” Siri knew what the other boy was not saying.

A law had recently passed forbidding werewolves to marry any “normal” humans. Remus couldn’t openly wear the ring on his hand and Sirius couldn’t say who his was from if he wore it. “Thank you Remus!” Siri buried his face in the younger boy’s shoulder, tightening his hold.

The memory ended and Sirius flinched. It had felt so real, just as all the others had, both good and bad. Between memories he could hear voices from his past surrounding him; his parents, James, Albus, his professors, Lily, Harry. The only voice he never heard, the one he longed to hear above all others, was Remy’s. Siri knew, floating in the void beyond the veil, that he was hearing the past and wondered again why he couldn’t hear his lover. Had Remy already forgotten him? Tears streamed down Sirius’s cheeks as another memory began, this one from Azkaban.

(I want to die)
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide

Remus’s hand automatically rose to his neck, fingers twining with the chain there. He would never forget Sirius, as long as he lived. The wolf looked down at the body of his enemy. His hair was matted with blood and bruises marred his body, but he was still alive. Remy had finally found the rat, after three years of searching. The one who had betrayed James and Lily, who had hurt Harry, and who had killed Sirius would die that night.

Remus had done all he could to make it better, to atone for his mistakes. Bringing in the rat was the only thing he could do now. A letter lay beside the unconscious man and explained everything to Harry. Remus knew he couldn’t leave the boy with no explanation and without even saying goodbye. That is what everyone else had done to the teen and he would not hurt Harry any further.

Peter began to stir and Remus hit him with another stun. As weak as the wolf was now, Remy knew the spell wouldn’t last for long, but it would be alright. Albus would be there sooner, when the Order ring he wore activated, reporting the werewolf’s death. Yes, the one who had betrayed the marauders was dying that night, and soon he would be with the rest of his pack and his beloved Sirius.