It’s his birthday today. The person I once called a friend in an orphanage were the smartest children only matter. Where everyone, at first tried to become my friend because of how high up I ranked not because they actually liked me. To me that orphanage was a both a blessing and a curse, I would say it was a curse but I can’t say that completely. After all, I met him there.
His name was Mail Jeevas but I didn’t learn that until later. Even now I don’t really care what his real name is to me it would and would always be Matt. He was a skinny antisocial oddball. I never saw him without his white and orange goggles, his old second hand orange coloured PSP and a striped shirt that was always too big for him. The colour of the stripes switching from red and black to green and black. Why those colours I’ll never know.
He was uncaring to most people and things. As long as his games were fine, it didn’t matter to him. Much, that is. I suppose it’s how I first started to notice him. I had thought he was uncaring perhaps even a bit shy and left it at that but then I started to notice how things and people did bother him. How he’d flinch when someone touched him or how when he disagree with something he’d bit he’s lip and almost physically withdraw what little attention he had given them. I guess I got curious.
From then on, it was as though you were everywhere. I tried to watch you whenever I could without you or anyone else realising that I was looking at you but I think that little shitty sheep figured out that I was observing you.
Eventually I decided that I’d talk to you but whenever I tried to I always got nervous and couldn’t. That went on for quite a while huh. At some point, you had realised that I was trying to talk to you and on one of; many times I went to walk away you spoke to me.
“Leaving again? Do you fear me that much?” Can the familiar but never directed at me voice of no other than Matt. Around everyone else, I was the strong and quick-tempered second place. So, when I turned around and started denying about being afraid of anything just to see you listen and not seem to take any care in the fact that I was also insulting you. It shocked me. I didn’t know how to act. I was confused as all hell.
I tried to avoid you for about a week after that trying to figure out how I felt. You had made me feel heard and in that orphanage that had never happened before. That’s when you reached third place in the rankings. I went and found you and started yelling about how you wouldn’t beat me and how I would never be third for a good half an hour or so.
Then you did the same thing as before. You listened but didn’t take insult form what I’d said and when I finally when I’d finished all you did was tilt your head a bit to the side and said okay. I’d felt confused again and I remember quickly growing sick of that feeling. I still hate being confused.
During this time, the orphanage started having renovations for some stupid probably necessary reason. We were given the choice of pairing up with someone and before I was given a choice, Matt had already listed our names as roommates. From there we grew closer until he was the only person in this world I consisted a friend. Even now. Matt was and is always my exception of ever thing. Everyone else I view at best as an ally.
When I left, I was almost unable to do it. I didn’t want to leave him but my pride and my panic gave me the final push. I hadn’t been able to look for him when I left. I didn’t see him after I left Rogers office. The news he had delivered to me had in a way broken me. I had created myself to be a person that would never be enough. Not on my own at least and the person of whom I was asked to be paired with was and is someone I will always refuse to work with. So, I tried to walk out but I was most likely stomping when I’d left the office.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he had probably been waiting for me but heard me stomping out and assumed I’d been banned from chocolate for a week. If he had known what had really happened and what was going through my mind, would he have left me on my own? Would he have argued with me and demanded I stay? Or would he have said nothing but end up saying everything with just a look. If he had of would I have stayed?
I wonder if he hate me now. Does he even remember me? I know he would but it has been five years if I’m being more precise and isn’t that a fact that ways on my mind constantly. Does he want to remember me? What would he think of me now? There are days where I wish I hadn’t of met him. If I had never knew him would I have to feel horrible every day? Sadly though I know if I went back and was given the choice of being his friend all I would do is try and speed up the process and isn’t that a terrifying thought on its own because leaving him would have been impossible If that had been the case.
I wonder how long I’ve been here sitting just thinking of him. Probably longer than I should be. I know I should be working. I know this but all I want to do is think of him. Of Matt. After all, it’s his day. I wish I could talk to him. Or just listen to him speak that’d be nice. Listening to him rant at a game that had become his new obsession. I remember him going on for hours. If I were a little stronger, I would have seen him before I had left. I should have begged him to forgive me and let me leave just so I could stay in touch.
I don’t know why I keep an eye on him. He could take care of himself I’m sure. I know. I feel stalkerish whenever I check on him. Then again, he is my exception to everything. I want to hear his voice. I want to see him. I want to watch him play his game, complain when he loses, wear his odd clothing and see him eat his unhealthy food while trying to make me believe. Even if that’s what I want there’s no promise he wants anything to do with me and why should he? I’ve been a terrible friend but still. I’m not a good person. Perhaps I’ve never been and perhaps I’ll never be but I want to do the good thing and keep him safe. I want and wish he’ll always be safe. This doesn’t change my selfish wanting to say screw it and throw away all the rules I made for myself.
Would it really be that bad if I called him? After all, it should be his choice. I know this but I still don’t want to call him either. I’m scared. Scared he’ll deny me his friendship or him having forgotten me or maybe him even replacing me.
I don’t know what to do but does it matter what I want to do though? It is his birthday shouldn’t it be his choice? I don’t know. I feel so unsure. Trust Matt to be the one to make me feel this even when he’s not here. It won’t be much longer till he’s birthday ends and a new day begins. I still don’t know!
I’ll call him once. Only once, if there’s no reply then that’s that. It’s not like I don’t have his number. I’ll do it. Only one call until be either picks up or I go to voice mail. If the later happens, I’ll at least get to hear his voice but what if he doesn’t want me to call or talk to him ever again. I don’t know! I wanna cry but I can’t there wouldn’t be a point.
I pick up the phone. “Fucking screw it,” Mello breathed out. He dialed the number. As he waits and begins to think no one’s going to answer, then someone picks up. “hello?” the voice on the other side of the line drawls out. ”…hey Matt, it’s been awhile.”