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RC #333 Mission #1: The Day of Reckoning (Original)

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Cover illustration: HIS ONLY WEAKNESS by MostlyFunStuff

 

You think this is about my profiling skills? Jennifer, listen: The only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you! I came to your house for ten weeks in a row, crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth!

— Dr. Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds Season 7, Episode 2: “Proof” (2011)

 

Pre-Mission

 

If there was one thing Agent Cupid Carmine hated more than being flightless, it was being flightless despite having wings. The sheer humiliation of this fact drilled into his head like a jackhammer with every stride as he raced through the hallways of the PPC HQ, clad in his pale rose toga with purplish black undergarments and a bright red scarf. The Sue-wraith-turned-angel was running because he knew that she was right behind him, and he did not want her to catch him at any cost.

Yes, the being who had once possessed Pit, the angelic protagonist of Kid Icarus, and now took on his exact appearance, was so distracted by the thought of her catching up with him that he didn’t notice that the hallways had changed from grey to a uniform matte black, without any lighting to guide him — at least until he ran headlong into a wall. The angel staggered back, clutching his forehead from the pain, before wondering how close his pursuer was. Then he remembered something else.

There was only one place in the PPC where the hallways were painted black, and that happened to be the department where he had been assigned to. From what he had heard during his briefing, there were quite a few notable agents who resided in the Department of Implausible Crossovers. The agents who had the longest tenure here were Supernumerary and Ilraen-Aroline-Fothergill, and the agents who had the highest published mission count in this department so far were Florestan and Eusabius. Were any of them still active? And if so, would it be possible for him to meet either of these two agent pairs someday? Of course, he would have to get his hands dirty with a crossover mission of his own first, but maybe if —

The sound of footfalls coming in his direction interrupted his inner monologue; channeling what little power he had without Palutena’s help, he willed his wings to glow, the faint blue light illuminating the three-way junction he had come across. Looking frantically to either side hall, he picked a random corridor and took off again, making more and more random turns in his attempt to foil his opponent. In the event of a fight, as good as he was in long range combat, he wasn’t as skilled in close range, which would be especially important in a confined space like a corridor. Then there was the fact that just like Pit, he couldn’t fly…

He rubbed his forehead as he stopped at a random T-intersection, trying to forget that embarrassing fact. So engrossed was the former Impetus miserablis in trying to figure out what to do if worse came to worst that he failed to notice the figure creeping up towards him.

That is, until she pounced at him from behind, scattering a few loose feathers into the air.

“GYAAAH!” he cried, a mere instant before landing flat on his face.

“Gotcha!” Sarah Squall laughed, sitting on Cupid’s back with her front towards his legs and Paluntena the mini-Monoeye hovering over her shoulder, its glowing green eye lighting the way for her. “Geez, Cupid, I’ve been trying to catch you for fifteen minutes! I’ll have to punish you for running off like that!”

“Sorry!” he laughed nervously. “I thought you were someone else, and I panicked!”

“You know that’s not gonna save you… cutie, ” Sarah chuckled, pulling off his sandals and tossing them aside before pulling both of his legs up towards her. His toes curled instinctively as he guessed what she was about to do.

“No no, I’m serious! I — aaaaAAAH WAHAHAHAHAHA AHA!” Thus the replica of the servant of the Goddess of Light found himself cackling in hysterics and pounding his fists against the Generic Floor as Sarah and Paluntena started teasing the soft, sensitive soles of his oversized feet.

“Admit it, you love this, don’t you?” the Super smirked, spidering her fingernails over his creamy wide right arch while Paluntena’s tentacles weaved between his wiggling left toes.

“I SAID I WAS S-SORRY!” Cupid guffawed, his brown hair shaking wildly about as he struggled to get away from her — though indeed, he was having as much fun as she was. “HEHEHE CUT IT OUT! STAHAHAP! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!”

“Awww, what more, do I ask?” she smiled, plucking a fluffy white feather off the floor and sawing it between his two smallest right toes. “To tickle you ‘till you beg for mercy.”

“AIEEEEEHHEHEHEEEP! I’M BEGGING ALREADY!” Cupid howled, tears already running down his blushing cheeks as the mini-Monoeye picked up another feather and began fluttering it over his left pinky toe as well. “HAHAHA I’M FINISHED HEHEHEHAHA STOP! PLEEEHEHEEEASE!!!”

“Aaaand ‘I’m finished’ is the safeword,” Sarah laughed cheerfully as she waved her mini away, let his legs drop to the floor, and got off of him. “Aww, did I overdo it?”

“No no, you’re fine,” he gasped, still panting for breath as he rolled onto his back and sat up. “You’re right, that was fun! So, did you want to tell me anything?”

“Oh, not really,” she replied with a shrug. “Just that we’ve apparently been assigned to the same RC. I was worried that the Ironic Overpower would keep us from working together, but…”

“Really? That’s great!” Cupid grinned. “I knew we were going to see each other again soon! I just thought you were that evil giant cat, and I don’t want to run into her ever again…”

“Rosie isn’t evil,” Sarah replied as she tossed him his boots. “She’s just a big meanie who’s forgotten how to have fun.”

“I’ll say,” he replied as he slipped his footwear back on. “I nearly killed her, for Lady Palutena’s sake, and she hasn’t forgiven me for that! The less I see of her, the better.”

“So, we’re both assigned to RC #333, am I right?” Sarah asked, watching in amusement as Cupid tried to stand up… only to collapse back to the ground again, giggling madly.

“Y-you — what did you do?!” he managed to choke out.

She shrugged innocently. “Oh, I slipped a feather into each of your boots. No biggie.”

“YOU L-LITTLE CHEATING — I OUGHTA —” he laughed, trying to reach for her, but she grabbed his hand and pointed towards a door near their intersection that Paluntena’s light beam had illuminated.

“Hey, there it is!” Sarah said loudly.

As it turned out, it had a decal that read the exact number they were looking for. “Hey, there it is ,” Sarah repeated. “Let’s get down to business!”

Before the Pit expy could respond, she had dragged him off, purposely ignoring his helpless laughter as every step brought him the caress of his own feathers.

The two friends and the mini made their way over to the door they’d spotted earlier, which Sarah promptly flung open. “Hell ooooo , new and hopefully permanent residence!” she declared cheerfully, recognizing the suitcase laid on one of the three single beds in the (thankfully lit) RC as her own. “Here’s to a profitable career of untangling games from the arcade to the PC!”

“Whoa whoa, wait. Are we specifically dedicated to gaming?” Cupid asked, still giggling as he sat upon the nearest bed and pulled off his shoes, hoping to fish the feathers out. “I don’t think there’s even a video-game division in this department yet…”

“Maybe not,” Sarah responded, stroking beneath the mini-Monoeye’s tentacles. “But both of our homefics involved at least one videogame continuum, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Upstairs send us game-related stuff soon.”

The angel idly looked over at the console, which was already showing a report of some kind. “Speak of the devil, they’ve probably done so already!”

The Super agent carefully stepped over some random jacks scattered on the floor, and headed over to the work desk. She casually glanced at the report, raising an eyebrow. “Hmmm, how odd,” she mused. “This report appears to have been sent ten minutes ago. But… why isn’t the console going off? Did someone already shut it for us?”

Cupid, who was in the process of slipping his now feather-free sandals back on, sat up straight almost immediately. He paused, his eyes quickly scanning the RC. “I think so,” he spoke cautiously. “And not only has said someone been eating from our fridge, resting on our couch, and sleeping in one of our beds, but they’re still here, hiding somewhere. Doesn’t the console go off every five minutes or so?”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]

Sarah immediately hit the button on the console and turned to her partner. “Well, it did just now,” she said casually. “But we’ll need to find Goldilocks before we start preparing. I have a feeling the two of us may not be the only ones going into this mission.”

“Yeah, but the whole place seems deserted,” Cupid replied, but then his sapphire eyes fell upon the firmly shut closet door. “Unless…”

He stood up, motioning for Sarah to step aside, and took a few cautious steps towards the closet. Who knew what could be in there? Some kind of monster made out of old laundry? Good thing he had his Angel Bow on him, just in case. His hand reached for the doorknob hesitantly, wondering what was in store, and then started to turn it.

There was a tiny squeak from inside the door. It sounded rather like a mouse, quiet and frightened. But it was enough to draw the attention of both disentanglers-to-be.

Another short pause, and Cupid shrugged, before quickly opening the closet. “Gotcha!” he cried in victory.

There was a high-pitched, ear-piercing scream from inside the closet, worthy of the depths of the Underworld, and a cerulean blur streaked out from the laundry, flattening the angel underfoot in the process and putting Paluntena to flight. An instant later, Sarah found herself holding someone, the way Shaggy from Scooby-Doo would hold the panicking pooch. Said someone was a girl who appeared to be a few years younger than her, and appropriately enough for the previous comparison, she was wide-eyed and shaking with absolute terror.

The Super was tempted for some reason to describe the girl’s clothing in the urplest prose imaginable, but she willed herself to picture it in a more digestible manner. Her clothing was in various shades of blue with wave patterns on the hems of her long sleeves and pant legs. Her shirt left her midriff bare, and straps of cloth hung from her waistline like elegant, flowing fins. Her frantic, ocean-blue eyes were bigger relative to her face than even Sarah’s own, and her six rows of triangular, serrated teeth were chattering like in a cartoon. Lastly, her vivid royal-blue hair, streaked with baby blue (or was that blunde?), was tied in two pigtails and a ponytail at the back, which poured from the back of her head like the foam of a cresting wave —

The older female let out a yell of surprise and pain, having made the mistake of looking at the younger one’s purple-prosed hair straight on. In her momentary blindness she stumbled backwards, tripping over her own feet, and dropped the girl onto herself. The two of them collapsed in a heap onto the floor as Cupid sat up, his head still spinning.

“... Ow ,” Sarah whimpered, her voice sounding two octaves higher due to her landing on the jacks she’d stepped over earlier.

“Sorry, sorry!” cried the girl. “I got scared and forgot about the Sue hair color! I hope I didn’t frighten you or something…”

“I thought we were the ones who scared you,” Cupid muttered, wiping the shoe print off of his face with his arm guard. “Sorry about that!”

“No no, it’s fine,” the girl replied, sitting up and taking a small spray canister from her pocket and using it to discharge a fine blue mist all over her hair. “I’m just nervous beyond all reason, if anything. This is my first time on the job, after all — I was a Mary Sue prior to joining the PPC, and they moved me here from the Nursery just last night.”

“Hey, I was a Stu as well!” Cupid smiled, heading over to help her off of Sarah with the mini-Monoeye in tow. “My buddy here actually rescued me. Well, exorcised me, technically, but hey, who’s counting?”

“You’re welcome,” Sarah added with an air of mock bravado as she got to her feet, picking the jacks off of her backside. “So, it looks like we’re in this together?”

“Apparently,” the other girl replied, her hair now colored in a single royal-blue hue with no highlights. “I was beginning to worry that I’d have to take on my first mission all by myself, but I guess I was wrong. I’m Lapis, by the way. Lapis Lazuli. And you must be… ?”

“Sarah Squall,” the older girl smiled as her winged ally joined them. “Though you can call me Stratogale. And this little Tickle-Me-Elmo here is Cupid Carmine.”

The angel had taken that moment to stretch his arms over his head, which Sarah promptly took advantage of with a little poke at his armpit. He yelped in surprise, clamping his arms to his sides, and waved sheepishly. “Yipe! Uh, heheh… Hi.”

“It’s good to meet you both,” Lapis said in a more cheerful but still uneasy tone, putting her spray-on hair color back in her hammerspace. “Now, where do we start?”

“Good question,” said Sarah. “We’ll need to know which continua we’re supposed to unscramble first.”

The agents looked at the console, which was now showing the intelligence report that had no doubt been sent to them. Being based on Pit, Cupid couldn’t make out what was on the screen (though to his credit, it was only the English dub of Kid Icarus: Uprising that had stated that Pit hadn’t learned to read, and Japanese katakana might not have been out of the question).

“Okay, so… those weird squiggly lines and stuff… Do any of you ladies understand them?” he asked.

“Yes, actually,” said Lapis. “And it looks like we’re going to have a real smash for our first mission!”

He understood that almost immediately. “A smash?! All right! I haven’t had any fun since my last brawl!”

“Brawl?! How awful! I just can’t imagine you in a melee!”

Cupid pouted playfully. “Yeah, well… That’s because I wasn’t …”

Sarah could read the report, of course, but she was metaphorically out of the loop. The fact that she was supposed to be from the 1970’s may have had something to do with it.

“Okay, inside jokes aside,” she said, “I have absolutely no idea what you two are saying.”

“You’ve never heard of Super Smash Bros. ?” asked Lapis, looking quite disappointed.

“Nope,” she admitted sadly. “The only game continua I should be familiar with come from before the 80’s. Oregon Trail, Space Invaders, Pong , and the like. My homefic did involve Portal and Donkey Kong Country , but other than that, I technically shouldn’t be familiar with even the NES classics like Cupid is, secondary sources notwithstanding obviously.”

“Awww, but Super Smash Bros. is the greatest thing since floor ice cream!” the brunette angel hedged. “It’s a pretty comprehensive overview of a lot of Nintendo franchises, including my home continuum.”

“Mine too!” Lapis added, picking the rest of the jacks off the floor. “Well, in a way, kind of.”

“Wait, which world are you from?” asked Sarah.

Pokémon. Though to be fair, I’m technically from the TV series continuum and not the one based on the games. I was a traveling companion of Ash back in the day…”

“Ohhhhh. I should’ve known. No wonder you look so… so anime.

The ex-Sue flashed a luminescent blush, rubbing the back of her head while a rather large sweatdrop slid down her hair and stained her shirt collar. “Yeah. I know. I mean, it’s not my fault that my author loved Pokémon back in the day. Last I checked, he still does.”

“Do you have Pokémon of your own?” asked Cupid. “I’d like to see ‘em!”

“I do have one, but I’m probably going to hold off on bringing the little guy until we get something that actually involves Pokémon . For now, though…”

“So,” Sarah interjected, “are there any other continua involved in this thing?”

The blue-haired girl paused for one awkward moment. “Well,” she said finally, “if it helps you any, the title of the fic is ‘Criminal MindsSSBB: Reckoning.’”

Sarah’s squee made both of her partners jump. “ Criminal Minds?! I love that show!” she cheered. “I’ve been watching it every week ever since I joined the PPC! The entire BAU is soooo awesome, and Spencer Reid is so dreamy…

Cupid laughed in mild embarrassment. “Well, that settles it, then. Shall we get started?”

“I don’t see why not,” said Lapis. “Do you guys have everything?”

“All of our agent gear is in my bag,” Sarah replied. “The C-CAD, the neuralyzers, RAs for all of us…”

“Actually, I can travel by plot-hole,” the blue-haired girl interrupted. “I spent most of my time at the Nursery practicing that skill.”

“How old are you, anyway?”

“Twelve. I was ten when I first arrived — my homefic was posted on deviantART, but my author had to leave that site for personal reasons, so he kinda got rid of the fic. It’s safe to say that I got aged up a little while staying here.”

“Aren’t you still a little… young for this job?” asked Cupid, checking his own Bag of Holding to see if his bow was still inside. “Yeah, I know, I look thirteen, but I’m at least thirty years old or so, so I don’t think that really matters here.”

“What did you think?” Lapis snarked before giving him an apologetic, razor-toothed smile. “Actually, the correct term is ‘inexperienced’. It’s part of the reason why I’m so nervous.”

“Hey, now, don’t sweat it,” said Sarah, patting her blue-haired friend on the back (“Ow!” she cried). “On the plus side, you’ll have more experience as an agent when you grow up than most of us around here. I joined last year, when I was sixteen, and I’m going to turn seventeen this coming June, so you’ll have more years of learning when you turn legal than I did.”

“A small comfort, I take it?” Lapis laughed nervously.

“Every little bit helps,” Cupid added excitedly. “Alright, troops! Let’s move out!”

Sarah dialed the entry coordinates on the console and opened up a portal in the middle of the RC. “We won’t need disguises, since there aren’t really any Suvian characters that I know of,” she said.

“But what if there are enemies of the author’s creation?” asked Lapis. “Like random mooks or that sort of stuff? Shouldn’t we at least worry about those?”

“We’ll deal with them when we get there. All we need to do is make sure nobody notices us. Ready?”

“I think so,” the ex-Sue replied in an uncomfortable tone as they stepped into the fic. “...Well, I hope so. It’s basically the same thing… isn’t it?”

 


 

Act One

Soundtrack: 

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or Super Smash Bros.

A/N: This story is actually based off of a dream/nightmare I had. My sister, sugarhigh9394 , convinced me to write this because she said that it was a really good idea. Thank you sis!

Also, a HUGE thank you to pixeljam for giving me the name of the villains and the idea for the name of the story! Thank you so much!

Note: I wasn't sure where to put this so I've posted this story in three places: Criminal Minds/Super Smash Bros. Xover Archive, Criminal Minds Archive, and Super Smash Bros. Archive. All three of the stories are the same so you can read any of them.

 

The Author’s Note rang in the agents’ eardrums as they stepped into the pre-fic Generic Space. Sarah flinched and covered her ears, while Lapis let out a small shriek and cowered behind her.

“There’s already mention of OC villains, huh?” asked Sarah. “This’ll be fun. Once we get past how weird this crossover is, obviously.”

Cupid, meanwhile, was metaphorically bouncing off the walls with excitement. “I simply can’t wait to get this thing started! I’m gonna learn all about Criminal Minds and hang out with some crime-fighting detectives and introduce them to Super Smash Bros. , and we’re all gonna be Super Duper Best Friends Triple Deluxe Brawl X and Y and Knuckles for the 3DS/Wii U, featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series!”

“Whoa whoa, hold your Horseas, buddy,” Lapis chided, her child-like voice contrasting with her serious tone. “We’re not supposed to interact with the canons, especially not in a crossover like this.”

“I swear to Iron Man, you’re like Pit on a glitter rush,” Sarah laughed. “Oh, I’m sorry, Angel Face, did I say that out loud?”

“Yep, you certainly did!” Cupid replied cheerfully. “So, how bad are crossovers like this, usually?”

“They can range from pretty innocuous to so totally mismatched that the timelines get completely screwed over,” said Sarah. “And yes, unfortunately, I come from one of the latter.”

“How bad was it?” asked Lapis.

“I’ll say this much,” Sarah answered. “Two continua can actually get along pretty well if you know what you’re doing. Eleven at once, though? Not a bleeping chance.”

Lapis cringed, and so did Cupid, which spoke volumes about what Sarah had implied given his perpetually happy-go-lucky disposition (along with the fact that she’d told him about this before at least once).

The agents ducked under some introductory quotes (“This is actually a thing with the Criminal Minds episodes,” Sarah noted), and by the time the first chapter title echoed overhead ( Chapter One: The First Strike ), they found themselves in some kind of stadium. They promptly took three conveniently empty seats as the fic properly began.

 

Pit Icarus watched with avid interest as the semi-final competitors in this year's Tournament square off. Link held the Master Sword easily in his left hand, while Marth had his own sword, Falchion, gripped in an offensive stance. Both swordsmen were calm yet tense, ready to spring as soon as the match began. They stood in the Smash Stadium, the crowd filling the large bleachers around them. The loud, booming voice of Master Hand— the leader of the Tournament— echoed around the arena.

 

“So, Pit has a last name now?” Lapis asked. “That’s… kinda new.”

“He had a last name in Cupid’s homefic too,” Sarah replied, shrugging. “Wait, a sword named after my brother? Uhhh…”

“The Falchion is canon to the Fire Emblem games, actually,” Cupid said helpfully. Then he saw his canon duplicate seated among the rest of the spectators, and his face lit up.

“Hey! That’s me!” the angel agent cried joyously. He stood up and waved, shouting, “HIIIII, DOUBLE OF ME!”

Pit actually heard Cupid’s voice over the din of the audience, and looked around at the agents in surprise.

Lapis freaked out right then and there, letting out a small scream (complete with the upper part of her face turning blue) before making a grab at her male partner’s arm. She missed, but managed to seize two fistfuls of white feathers and pulled as hard as she could. Cupid cried out in surprise and pain as he felt her yanking his wing, and was forced to sit back down to avoid getting plucked entirely. A moment later, Lapis grabbed the top of his wing and folded it in front of him, as though attempting to block him from view.

“Youdidn’tseeanythingespeciallynotacopyofyouwithadifferenttogahaveaniceday!” she said hastily in Pit’s direction, before turning back to her male partner. “Are you crazy?! You’re not supposed to let the canons know that we’re here!”

“But he knows about us, doesn’t he?!” Cupid protested. “I just wanted to say —”

“We are not talking to anybody unless they’re in Medical or FicPsych, you idiot!” Lapis shouted back, her jagged teeth snapping just inches from his face.

Sarah looked at Pit, and gave him a small wave, her face showing an embarrassed smile that seemed to say, “I’m not responsible for the behavior of my dumbflock partners.”

Pit waved back with a knowing smile, then returned his attention to the stadium battle.

“Soooo, saying ‘ Senpai noticed me~!!! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧’ would be a bad idea right now?” Cupid asked innocently.

“Of course it would!” Lapis replied in a flustered voice, watching Link and Marth engaging in battle. “What’s with you and Pit, anyway?”

“It’s actually a pretty funny story,” said Sarah. “But to cut to the chase, Pit really does know about the PPC, thanks to the total lack of a fourth wall in Uprising. And he knows us especially.”

The blue-haired ex-Sue folded her arms, glaring at Sarah. “And why is that , exactly?”

The Super chuckled and pinched Cupid’s cheek. “Because I was one of the people who bailed his sorry sacred buns out when this bozo was in his head.”

The Sue-wraith-turned-angel was all too willing to hide behind his wing this time, avoiding the gaze of both of his partners. “We’re done talking about this.”

 

The crowd went wild, and Marth's supporters rose to their feet, jumping up and down in excitement as they cheered for their favorite Smasher. The blue-haired prince grinned and rose his sword above his head, the crowd roaring in response.

 

“Wait, Marth won?! ” said Cupid, folding his wings behind his back with an audible fwoop . “What happened?!”

“That’s the thing about Smash battles,” Lapis reminded him. “Everything happens so fast that it’s hard to keep track. You can practically win a match in the blink of an eye.”

“Did someone tape the end of the fight?” asked the angel. “I blinked and missed it.”

 

The crowd's vigor died down a little but they were still loud, excitedly discussing the outcome of the brawl. Master Hand's voice echoed around the arena once more.

"The next fighters are—"

He stopped. Everyone quieted, their voices fading to stunned silence. No one moved. No one spoke. Everyone stared.

Why?

A black substance resembling swirling shadows had appeared in the center of the arena. As the crowd stared at it, it took shape, and an armored, helmeted being formed, standing directly on top of the logo for the Super Smash Bros. The being was tall and menacing, clad in armor that was pitch black with red stripes, a threatening arm-cannon where the right hand should have been. The helmet was almost shaped like Samus's, with a visor that completely hid the face of the being beneath it. The armored creature looked around at the silent, stunned crowd, and spoke, it's voice distorted ad robotic.

" Attack. "

 

Sarah stood up, her hand already reaching into her bag. With a little difficulty, she pulled out a huge, two-handed longsword, its five-foot blade etched with mystical markings that began to glow with a chilling ice-blue light. It was only because of her super-strength that she was able to take it out with one arm.

Cupid and Lapis both realized what was happening, and in an instant they had stood up as well. The angel agent took out his Angel Bow, its curved golden blades sporting heart-shaped holes and rubies along with a bright red handle. The homing shots fired by this bow could relentlessly pursue opponents, and he was quite sure that a few good rounds from it could easily take out the armored creature.

Lapis, meanwhile, had taken out a weapon of her own: a long, straight staff, its bright blue shaft looking like solidified water, but not quite ice. Each end of the staff sported a crystalline, triple-pointed blade, shaped like a crescent moon with an extra point jutting from its centerline. She hadn’t used her double-headed trident for a long time, and she could only pray to Kyogre that she still knew how to wield it.

At that same moment, Fifty more figures appeared out of the swirling darkness, and there was chaos. The armored intruders slammed their hands to the ground, like they were doing a strange taunt, and cracks raced along the ground, too fast for the eye to follow. Half the stands collapsed in a cloud of dust, taking it's occupants with it in a human avalanche. Spurred by the sudden attack, people screamed, becoming a raging stampede as they tried to flee. Blasts of red, fire-like beams shot from the attacker's guns and arm-cannons, making some victims scream in pain while others were vaporized completely.

The agents cowered in fright as an energy blast burnt twelve people to a crisp , and with a scream and a sudden blip , Lapis was gone. As Pit was swept away by the crowd, before managing to escape getting trampled by taking flight, the other two agents yelped in panic and looked around wildly, trying to find their partner.

A flash of blue on the upper parts of the stands caught their attention. The ex-Sue had somehow managed to teleport several hundred feet away from them, but she had ended up in the middle of the stampede of spectators.

“We need to save Lapis!” Sarah cried, preparing to take off, but Cupid stopped her, his wings glowing bright blue.

“If it weren’t for the fact that you’re a girl, I’d say that giant sword of yours would be useful for something other than compensating for a certain part of your anatomy right now. I’ve got the Wings of Icarus up-special from Brawl and a better range than either of you ladies. Cover me while I get to her!”

“Right!” the Super replied with a nod, deciding to ignore his rather lewd comment about the size of her sword for the safety of both of them.

Cupid took off, rising into the air a little unsteadily but managing to gain enough speed to avoid most of the incoming enemy fire, shooting heart-shaped blasts from his bow at the attackers the entire time; the enemy soldiers absorbed the shots into their armor, but at least they were being distracted. The Smashers were now engaging with most of the enemy soldiers in close combat, leaving the agents to try and rescue their partner. Unfortunately, a number of enemies had broken off and were now charging through the crowd in random directions, blasting at anything that moved.

 

The angel landed, free of the writhing mass, and charged one of the invaders, grabbing him and slamming the hilt of his right sword into the attacker's helmet.

 

Still deflecting incoming blasts, Sarah looked around and blinked in shock. It was as though a number of the bystanders had turned into a tangle of inky black worms, each as long as a small limousine and as thick as a man’s arm. The strange thing was not like the swirling black substance that the enemies had emerged from, but more akin to a living, moving creature. Its many thrashing tentacles seemed to expand outward like an octopus emerging from its hole, but Pit had indeed managed to move out of range as he slew the invader with his weapons.

“A ‘writhing mass’?” the Super agent mused to herself, staring in odd fascination at the thing. “That’s a… strange way of referring to a panicking crowd. And a bit creepy.”

She heard a fizzling noise behind her, and whipped round just in time to block another energy blast with her blade, its icy chill neutralizing the extreme heat. “Ah well, what can I do?” she continued, kicking herself almost lazily up into the air. “I kinda wish Pit had actually gotten snagged by those tentacles, though. Now that would’ve been a sight to —”

“…aaaaAAAAACK!”

“Oh, never mind. Wish granted!”

It was actually Cupid who had flown a little too close to the Writhing Mass, which had lashed out with a tentacle and seized his ankle. One hard tug later, and it had enveloped him in its seething tentacles, concealing him from view.

“Cupid!” Sarah cried, flying towards the Mass and trying to get a clear view of the screaming winged captive trapped inside. “Cupid! Are you okay? I’m gonna get you outta there, pronto!”

Then she listened a little harder — and realized that his screams actually weren’t of terror, but of laughter. Helpless, hysterical laughter.

A moment later, the Pit lookalike shot out from under the Writhing Mass, but several dozen tentacles caught up with him before he could escape, and began wreaking havoc upon his pits, his tummy, the backs of his knees, and his larger-than-average feet, which had been rendered bare by the Mass’s movement.

“NOOOOOHOHOHOHO!!!” he howled, flapping his wings frantically and trying to pull himself free. “GET IT OFF! GET IT OHOHOHOHOFF!!

“I’m trying, Cupid!” Sarah yelped, flying about randomly before the bizarre scene.

Before she could move in, the Writhing Mass proceeded to roll over on top of her partner, bouncing down the seats of the stadium like a giant beach ball and landing with a plop on the deck below, with Cupid directly under it. On one side, his head and forearms protruded from beneath all those tentacles, his fingers clawing at the painted concrete… and on the other, his feet were trapped and helpless. His toes were pressed flat against the floor, the weight of the Mass upon his ankles stretching his wide soles and arches tight. Six narrow feelers began tracing their blunt points over his taut soles, and four thicker feelers with forked tips flickered against his arches like snakes’ tongues.

Sarah could only imagine how the poor laughing angel felt right now, what with tentacles of all sizes no doubt prodding and stroking every inch of tender bare skin they could reach. As Cupid would later recall, even a mob of tickle-hungry Monoeyes couldn’t quite compare to this (and yes, he spoke from experience).

“Hang on, I’m gonna get you outta there!” the Super agent called down to her angelic partner, attempting to get past the tentacles that were already aiming at her as well. “Oh man, I’m loving this way too much…”

The forked feelers began lightly pinching Cupid’s arches, and the pitch of his laughter shot up an octave, his cheeks flushing scarlet and his watering blue eyes widening in sheer ticklish agony. “WAHAHAAAAAAAH TOTALLY NOT HELPING, SARAHAHAAAH!!!

Lapis, meanwhile, had gotten herself into a predicament of a different kind. She’d managed to escape getting trampled by the rest of the crowd, but four soldiers had cornered her, and she was desperately trying to fend them off with her trident, jabbing in random directions and deflecting one energy blast after another. When she tried to force one away, several more moved closer. Forced to move upward and backward, she was getting nearer and nearer to the rim of the stadium.

There are lots of disadvantages to having unusually-colored hair. Like being very easy to notice, for instance.

A desperate glance to the side allowed the ex-Sue to catch a glimpse of Sarah trying to get the Writhing Mass off of their partner, and she seized the opportunity. “SARAH! CUPID!” she shrieked. “HELP! HELLLLLP!!!

The soldiers opened fire, and she was forced to cower as the deadly laser beams whizzed over her head.

Sarah heard her partner’s screams, looking up to see her about to be forced off the edge of the stadium and no doubt to her death. Thinking fast, she dropped her sword with a clatter and swooped towards the Writhing Mass, with Cupid still trapped under it, dodging its lashing tentacles, and plunged her hands into its depths, grabbing fistfuls of what felt like non-stick tar. Lifting the creature high over her head — and biting her bottom lip to avoid bursting out into laughter herself as two of its tentacles began wiggling into her own sensitive armpits — she hurled it as hard as she could, angel and all, in the direction of the blue-haired girl, who naturally screamed, dropping her trident with a clatter, and hit the dirt, only for the Mass to land right on top of her anyway.

Briefly stunned from the impact, the Writhing Mass relinquished its grip on Cupid just enough for him to extricate his upper body, popping out of the top. At once, the gathering group of random enemy soldiers all aimed their guns at the former Sue-wraith.

Needless to say, he yelped and reached for the sky. “Eeek! D-don’t shoot!”

The Writhing Mass raised a lot of its inky tentacles high into the air in an imitation of his gesture, and that sudden movement was all the enemies needed to open fire. Cupid instantly ducked, and a dozen tentacles were vaporized a half-second later.

It happened almost too fast for the agents to follow. For each tentacle blown off, several more sprouted in its place, these ones bearing razor-sharp tips. They struck out at the oncoming enemy soldiers, slicing into their armor as though it were tissue paper. The Writhing Mass became a whirling dervish of deadly lashing appendages, each moving too fast for the soldiers to follow. Some tried to shoot at it, but only worsened the situation as even more spear-like tentacles joined the fight. A few moments later, the remaining enemies scattered in all directions, the narrative quickly reabsorbing them.

Cupid picked up his bow, which had also been snatched up by the Writhing Mass, and stood up shakily, wondering what that was all about. A large tentacle lightly tapped his shoulder, and a moment later, it stroked his cheek. He giggled and cuddled the tentacle in return.

“Awww, I think it likes you!” Sarah laughed, having put her sword away and flown over to join her partners.

Lapis too had begun crawling out from under the Writhing Mass, and a few moments later, she reached under it and pulled out her trident. As soon as she turned to see what was going on, shoving her weapon back into her bag at the same time, her face screwed up in an ‘eww’ expression.

“Now I’m disturbed on a number of levels,” she muttered, another giant sweatdrop sliding down her head.

“Why?” Cupid replied, stowing his bow back into hammerspace and motioning for the Mass to return his sandals. “I love getting tickled! What’s wrong with that?”

“I won’t judge, but I’m actually not that interested,” the blue-haired girl admitted. “What I’m more worried about is, well… Why did that thing start tickling you in the first place?! Usually, Bads and other Word-spawned creatures don’t do very much…”

“Apparently, the Words are customizing their effects based on our subconscious,” Sarah mused aloud. “Oh, dear… Is this coming from you guys or the fic itself?”

Cupid shrugged. “Honestly, I thought you were gonna say that you knew where this was going,” he laughed. “I’ve heard of enough horror stories from Bad Slash to answer that question.”

Lapis sighed a little white mushroom-shaped puff. “We can argue about that later,” she replied in exasperation. “We’ve got bigger things to worry about.”

“Huh? Whaddya mean, ‘bigger things’?”

“While you two were… busy, I found out what those enemies were called. The Milivoj . Pit unmasked one while helping Zelda and found that they were human. And then he… he got…”

She choked off. Cupid, Sarah, and even the Writhing Mass turned to her in anticipation.

“What did he do? The meanie Pit unmasked, I mean?” asked Sarah.

A Single Tear slid down the blue-haired girl’s cheek. “He… He stabbed him. And tossed him into the ocean. I couldn’t see what happened, I tried reading the Words but then the rest of them went after me, and… and…”

Everyone looked at her, the agents’ faces betraying horror at what had happened. Cupid actually had to sit down amidst the Writhing Mass, which draped a tentacle over his shoulder in an apparent gesture of sympathy.

“But… He can’t… He’s an angel, he can’t…” Sarah sobbed.

“He’s still alive, though, isn’t he?” Cupid suggested, slipping his boots back on for the second time that day. “I know I still am, and if he dies, I die…”

“You’re not like Pittoo,” Sarah said in a forlorn voice. “He was created from Pit. You were just a spirit who possessed him and mimicked his character.”

“And besides,” said Lapis, “I don’t think any PPC agent would ever have a special connection to a canon character. I don’t see how something like that could even make sense.”

His face fell, his wings drooping. “In that case, I guess… there’s only one way to find out whether Pit’s okay,” he said, holding up his RA. “Next scene?”

“Next scene,” the girls agreed simultaneously.

 

Special Agent Jennifer Jareau squinted in the darkness that was the road ahead of her, holding back a yawn. She felt like a wreck, four days with little sleep quickly catching up to her. The last case in Alabama had been harrowing and restless, the serial killer they had been hunting killing so frequently that it was a race against the clock. Twenty people total had been killed by the time they'd brought the man— a reclusive local— in.

 

Cupid was still shoving the Writhing Mass into his bag (albeit with quite a lot of difficulty, considering both its immense size and the incessant tickly movement of its sundry appendages) by the time the agents closed the portal behind them.

The three of them now found themselves standing in a strange forest, next to a lonely road with not a vehicle in sight. It was only because of the Words that they knew that JJ’s vehicle was heading down this road.

“Okay, this is new,” said Cupid, examining a random plant. “This place has more definition than I do! Are there better graphics processors in this other universe or… ?”

Sarah chuckled in slight embarrassment, rubbing the back of her hair. “Oh yeah, sorry about that! I kinda forgot to warn you — Criminal Minds is a live-action TV show. I guess this is what you get for not disguising yourself before jumping into a badfic. It feels so weird, being totally computer-animated in a setting like this. Kinda like in The Amazing World of Gumball.

“How do you think I feel?” Lapis asked sourly, taking out her spray-on hair dye and recoloring her hair (as her previous dye-job had been evaporated by the heat of the energy blasts that had been fired at her earlier). “I’m still 2-D, outlined, and shaded in flat-cel!”

The fic continued with its exposition, describing JJ’s experiences on the job and especially her encounter with a character named Izzy . Cupid and Lapis exchanged confused looks.

“Izzy Rogers,” Sarah clarified. “Otherwise known as ‘Lady X’ and ‘The Queen of Diamonds’. She was a psychopathic serial killer and a leader of a group known as The Face Cards. I’m guessing that this takes place just after Season Seven, which is when they first showed up.”

“I’ll take your word for it, I guess,” said Cupid. “You know a lot more about this place than we do.”

“I know more about the show ,” the Super replied. “Big difference. Anyway, maybe we should —”

 

"OH MY GOD!" JJ screamed, jerking the wheel to the side.

Her tires screeched in protest as she slammed her foot on the brake, grinding to an abrupt and jerky halt. JJ gripped the wheel tightly with white knuckles, staring at the heap of white that she'd spotted just in time. With the light of her headlights, she studied the vague, human shape, which lay unmoving on the road.

Oh my God! I hit him! Oh my God—

JJ opened her door and ran into the road, crouching down next to the unmoving shape. Closer inspection showed him to be a teenaged boy, no older than fourteen. He looked... fine. Not bloody and broken like she'd expected. JJ's brain caught up with her and she realized that if she had hit the boy, he'd have been thrown or crushed. The BAU agent checked for a pulse and found one, soft but steady. The blonde agent hesitated. Should she call 911 or check the boy first?

JJ studied the boy carefully, checking to see if he had suffered any injuries. Dark liquid on the concrete made her pause.

Blood.

 

Lapis cried out in alarm and once again cowered behind Sarah, who instantly clutched her aching stomach while the scene shifted around them. After a moment of unsteady wobbling, the agents found themselves standing at the edge of the road where JJ’s car had stopped. Just in front of it, sprawled upon the asphalt, lay…

PIT! ” Cupid nearly shouted. But before he could move in to help, Lapis had stuck her arm out in front of him.

“No no, don’t!” the younger girl whispered in fright. “Weren’t you listening when I said that we shouldn’t interact with the canons? Pit may know you and Sarah, but I’m pretty sure that this JJ here does not .”

The angel agent pouted, his wings going limp. “But he’s hurt! A lot. I don’t know if we —”

“Hate to burst your bubble, Angel Face, but we’ll have to let JJ sort this out,” Sarah chided. “We haven’t even gotten our bearings on this fic yet, so it’s safe to say that we shouldn’t move in if we don’t know what we’re up against. Trust me on this — I would know.”

Upon noticing the wound on Pit’s body, JJ took out her cell phone and called someone called “ Spence ”, making the Super agent smile.

“Spence?” asked Lapis. Then she remembered something that Sarah had said earlier.

“Spencer Reid,” the older girl replied, confirming her partner’s suspicion. “My absolute favorite character from the actual show. And my author’s as well, while we’re at it — my boyfriend is even modeled off of him.”

Cupid gave her a disappointed look.

“Yeah, I know,” she said apologetically. “But I’d rather stick to my own continuum as far as relationships are concerned. Sorry, Cupid!”

The angel sighed, his wings fluttering idly. “So, when do we start Chapter 2?”

“Right about now, actually!” said Lapis. “We can skip the Author’s Notes and check out how things are going with Pit’s buddies back in the Smash Bros . universe.”

“Alright! Back to my home turf!” Cupid said cheerily, watching Sarah open up another portal.

 

Pit's dead. Pit's dead. Pit's dead.

The thought repeated itself mercilessly in Marth's mind as he stabbed another Milivoj, vision blurring with unshod tears. The prince had been fighting beside Link in the lower town when Zelda's scream had gotten the fighters' attention. Both swordsmen, along with many of the Smashers, had instinctively turned towards the spot, in time to see Pit plummet from the top of the Arena, disappearing from sight as he fell. When the angel hadn't flown back up from his descent, Marth had been swift to realize what had happened. Pit couldn't fly.

He fell into the ocean. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead...

 

This time, the agents decided to avoid the fight, hiding behind a random sign not unlike the ones from the Earthbound: Onett stage. They watched the prose describing Marth beginning to angst over the fact that Pit was presumably dead, but it didn’t last for long.

The Fire Emblem fighter conversed with Lucario, the Fighting-type Pokémon introduced to the Smash Bros. universe in Brawl ; the Aura Pokémon warned him that more Milivoj were coming. While the agents watched, Marth returned to the fray, only to notice that some of the younger Smashers had gotten cornered.

Lapis shivered in abject terror. She knew exactly how the Ice Climbers, the Earthbound heroes, and Toon Link were feeling right now.

Just then, another Pokémon appeared, just in time to protect the kids from the attacking enemies. The blue-haired Trainer gasped as she recognized Mewtwo, who was now receiving orders from Marth to take the kids to the Great Fox, the mothership of Fox McCloud.

A moment later, both the agents and Marth spotted Ike, the Commander of the Greil mercenaries, who had found himself surrounded by more Milivoj — which were in turn torn to ribbons by a certain Blue Blur.

“How soon do you think it’ll be before we jump back into the weird live-action world?” Cupid asked, watching Ike and Sonic argue for a few brief moments. “I know I can’t read, but even I can tell that this fight seems to be going a bit too… slow for comfort.”

“Everything waits for urple prose, alas,” said Lapis.

“Maybe we could skip a few things to save some time. Everybody’s already heading off to the Great Fox, so we can regroup on board.” said Sarah. ““You said you could travel by plot hole, Lapis? Can you try and get us in there?”

The blue-haired girl nodded and closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on the time when she’d watched a fellow Nursery kid playing Star Fox: Assault . A few moments later, all three agents yelped when they felt the ground vanish beneath their feet, Sarah only managing to catch them just in time. They floated down through the large plot hole and gently landed in one of the hallways inside the huge spaceship.

“Wow, it worked!” Cupid cried out in joyous surprise.

“I do a lot better with places I remember,” the ex-Sue explained. “It’s when I panic and make a plot hole as a means of escape that things get tricky.”

The agents made their way towards the hangar of the ship, just in time to witness a scene break (“ CMSSBBCMSSBB ”) whizzing past them.

 

Aboard the Great Fox, the silence was deafening. The escaped Smashers sat in the hangar of the Great Fox, settled in their usual, instinctive groups. The swordsmen and bounty hunters sat near the back. The villains secluded themselves. Fox and Falco were at the ship's controls. The children huddled in a group with the Pokemon nearby. Adrenaline still pumped through fiery veins, making them all alert and tense. The same thoughts ran through many of their minds:

We were just attacked. Smash World was just attacked. How did this happen?

 

The second scene shift had a more adverse effect on Sarah, who retched once and felt a trickle of vomit running down the corner of her mouth.

As the agents watched, R.O.B. began a roll call of the Smashers who had managed to escape in time. A moment later, Cupid let out a startled yelp, clutching his tummy and giggling uncontrollably.

“What was that?!” Lapis asked in a frightened voice. But then her question was answered when the floating white glove that had poked him just now floated up to her and gave a friendly wave.

“What is that?” asked Sarah, wiping the trace of puke off her lips.

Cupid looked at the glove as well. “Ohhhhh, I get it now!” he said after a moment. “It’s Master Hand! Well, a tiny version of him, anyway.”

“Master Hand?” asked Sarah.

“The creator of the Super Smash Bros. universe and also the creator of the World of Trophies,” the angel explained, politely shaking the mini-Master Hand. “He's usually the main antagonist of the games, though he's also playable in Melee if you hack them well enough.”

“And this mini-version would be ROB ,” said Lapis. “R.O.B. as a character is original to the Smash Bros. continuum, but he’s based on the Famicom Robot Operating Buddy sold by Nintendo after the Video Game Crash of 1983.”

“He ranked 18th on the tier list in the C-tier in Brawl , when he was first introduced,” added Cupid, opening up his bag to let ROB join the Writhing Mass inside.

Before the girls could react to this off-topic comment, however…

 

Guilt made Marth's throat tighten as he realized his fear had become a reality. They had left people behind.

 

Lapis turned slightly pale. “Wait… Does this mean…”

“Oh no,” Sarah agreed. “We left them behind as well.”

“Bowser, Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Game and Watch, Master Hand, and Crazy Hand are all MIA,” Cupid counted on his fingers. “Ganondorf is recorded as Deceased …”

“Well, fuck! ” Sarah swore, making the younger agents flinch. “Even if Ganondorf’s a power-hungry, Triforce-stealing meanie like Angel Face said about him, he’s still a canon! We’ll have to find him and get him to Medical ASAP!”

Lapis turned even paler. “So, we’re going to have to practically resurrect, neuralyze, and restore the Great King of Evil to the Smash Bros. universe?”

“More or less. Can you backtrack for us?”

“I can take us to before we boarded the Great Fox,” said Lapis, but before she could continue…

 

"Pit?"

Marth swallowed, throat dry, and forced himself to speak. "He's dead."

The room became absolutely silent, the only sound being the Great Fox's engines. Everyone (including the agents, whose mouths had all fallen open at the exact same time) stared at Marth like he had grown two heads, eyes darkened with disbelief.

Red broke the silence. "What?"

"He's dead." It was Link who answered the Trainer's query, staring at his clenched hands.

Red's dark eyes were wide, almost confused. "What?"

"Pit's dead!" Link exploded, leaping to his feet. "He was stabbed and fell into the ocean!"

A film seemed to cover Red's normallybright eyes. "OOh."

His skin paled dramatically, going from a healthy tan to bone white. The Trainer blinked, unfocused. "I don't understand?" His voice cracked, and he covered his mouth, gagging.

Doctor Mario jumped to his feet, grabbing the Pokemon Trainer's arm and hurrying him out of the room. A second later, the sounds of retching and crying reached the Smashers' ears. Pichu whimpered and clung to Pikachu, whose eyes had gone wide, the deep brown shimmering with unshod tears.

 

Sarah retched as well, but before she could start raging over everyone jumping to the worst conclusion, she was interrupted by the sight of Cupid reaching into his Bag of Holding and taking out his bow, a bottle of dark red liquid, and a glass goblet decorated with animal heads.

“A Chalice from the original Kid Icarus game,” he explained, using the pointed tip of his bow to pop open the cork of the bottle.

Lapis noticed that the label on the bottle read “Bleeport Agiorgitiko”, and gave Cupid a very nasty look. Sarah’s expression was closer to annoyance and disbelief.

“Where did you get that?” the blue-haired girl whispered slowly, her tone sounding increasingly distressed.

“Nicked it from Rudi’s,” he replied, pouring some of the Bleeport into his Chalice and taking a few gulps.

“You’re not supposed to bring alcohol on missions!” Lapis snapped suddenly. “What would we have to say to the Flowers if you end up dying of alcohol poisoning?!”

“Hey, Bleeport is a Bleeprin-laced synthetic fortified wine,” Cupid replied, finding it easier to ignore the purple-prosed tears of the Pokémon among the crowed of escapees. “It’s not like it’s going to give me health problems or something. Besides, I’m an angel. I can *hic* handle it.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you’re drinking it in the first place,” Lapis hissed. “The question is… Why?

Cupid took another mouthful of Bleeport, hiccuped again, and glared at her. “Because I hate wangst. Hate, hate, hate.

“Isn’t breaking down over the supposed loss of a close friend a plausible response?”

“But being so melodramatic about it isn’t,” he replied, before hiccuping again and taking another mouthful of Bleeport. “And how did they draw the conclusion that Pit was dead straight away? We later learn that Zelda saved him!”

“That doesn’t mean they learn right away,” Sarah chimed in. “But still, you’ve got a point. In a more realistic situation, wouldn’t everyone at least try to find the possibility that he was still alive before giving up hope? Any of them could’ve bailed him out at the last moment like Zelda did.”

“On the contrary, you probably would draw the worst conclusions if you’ve just escaped the equivalent of a terrorist attack,” Lapis replied sagely. “Fear and desperation make people act irrationally. My author and I both learned that the hard way.”

Both agents stared at her.

“I’ll explain once we’re done with this mission,” the ex-Sue added. “For now, we’ve gotta get Ganondorf to Medical. I’d rather not sit through any more of these Fake Tears, thank you.”

Cupid shivered uncomfortably at the prospect of rescuing the evil bearer of the Triforce of Power, but didn’t argue as he capped the bottle and put it and the Chalice away. “This chapter seems to be over anyway,” he said. “Let’s go!”

 


 

Act Two

Soundtrack:

 

When you work in the Medical Ward of the PPC, you must be prepared for anything. Canons, agents, and bit characters alike tend to show up with the strangest of maladies and injuries, more often than not induced by badfics.

This mentality did not, however, lessen the surprise that the Nurses got when a rather large portal opened up in the middle of the ward, allowing a teenage girl with a black ponytail to haul in a much larger, muscular man with dark gray skin and flaming red hair.

“Is there a necromancer in the house?” Sarah called out frantically as several people rushed over to greet her. One of them was a seven-year-old angel with black hair tied in a bun, hazel eyes, and a cloud-colored toga.

“To answer your question, Sarah,” said Panacea, “none of us are foolish enough to tamper with the afterlife, but we do know how to revive those who have been killed recently. What happened?”

“Two words: Ganondorf’s dead,” Sarah replied. “How much time do you think it’ll take to bring him back?”

The angel nurse looked down at the evil king’s body, her face turning pale. “O-oh… I’m not sure, but… From what I’ve heard, Medical has helped canons recover from injuries that would have otherwise been fatal. It will probably take a couple of hours, though.”

“We’re gonna be busy for quite a while, actually,” said Sarah. “Long story. But yeah, make sure you get him back in working condition.”

She relayed the circumstances and the URL of the fic they were in, with Panacea and the other nurses nodding periodically. When she was done, she looked at the little angel and told her, “Tell Appledoc to tell Adam I love him.”

“Appledoc? Adam?” Panacea asked in total confusion. Then she got the last part of the sentence and said, “That bad?”

The Super rolled her eyes in dismay. “You can say that,” she said, and with that she stepped back through the portal.

 

**********

 

Chapter Three: Angel

 

Doctor Spencer Reid hurried through the halls of the Behavioral Analysis Unit office with a sense of urgency rarely seen in the awkward agent. His tall, thin frame weaved between the few workers that remained at the headquarters, intent for the office that stood just at the other side of the bullpen.

It was well past midnight, and most sane people would have gone home long ago. However Reid, unlike the masses, was used to odd working hours. After all, serial killers on killing sprees rarely only worked from nine to five. But after the recent sleepless case that his team had been solving the past few days, even the genius had been ready to abandon the office and go home for some well-deserved shut-eye.

That was until he received the call. If anything could wake Reid up from zombie-like exhaustion, it was an urgent call from his panicked-sounding best friend at one in the morning. A call that, despite the lack of words exchanged, told him that something was very, very wrong.

 

Having rejoined her partners at the start of the chapter, Sarah caught sight of the canonical brunette brainiac and practically swooned. “Ahhh, Dr. Reid… If only I could get your autograph,” she chuckled.

Lapis jumped three feet in the air, elbowed her female partner hard in the ribs, and frantically whispered, “Sarah! Don’t scare me like that! And we’ve got a job to do, so just forget the autograph!”

“How many chapters are there in this thing?” asked Cupid.

“Seven in total, I think,” the blue-haired girl replied. “Though this thing’s been left hanging since late 2013 for some reason. If it’s this terrible, I’d hate to think about what would have happened had it continued.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!” the angel snapped at her. “Almost everyone’s acting in character for the most part, stupid urple angst scenes notwithstanding, of course. Those and the Milivoj are the only real problems we’ve seen so far, I think.”

“And an idiot ball on the part of a lot of people,” Sarah added. “Then again, based on what Lapis said earlier, it actually wasn’t as unreasonable as such instances tend to be, all things considered.”

“Yeah, but Zelda could’ve at least said something sooner,” Cupid grumbled. The female agents chose to ignore him.

“We can skip this part, I think,” said Sarah. “This is just Hotch — oops, sorry, Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner — calling Dr. Reid over to break the news of JJ’s discovery to him. We’ll have to jump ahead to when they see Pit for the first time.”

“But I have no idea where to go,” Lapis replied uncomfortably. “You know this continuum a lot better than either of us!”

“Which is why I’ll lead the way,” the Super said with a smile, opening up a portal to just past the next scene break.

 

Approximately fifteen minutes later:

 

The agents stumbled, Sarah in particular experiencing an uncomfortable heaving in her stomach for a third time. A moment later, they were at the spot where JJ had found Pit; the BAU profiler had remained unmoving up to this point, as had the angel for obvious reasons.

 

In any other situation, Reid and Hotch's stunned expressions would have been humorous. Hotch's jaw was to the floor (read: his jaw had unhinged itself and dropped to the floor like in a cartoon ) and Reid's eyes were so big they looked like they were going to pop out of his head (read: they had practically doubled in size ) . Both men were pale, gaping like fish who had been pulled out of water.

There was no time for shock, however.

"Snap out of it guys, he needs our help!" JJ barked, not rising from her spot next to the wounded angel.

Hotch blinked once and recovered, instantly becoming professional (and reattaching his jaw back in its proper place without missing a beat) . "Doctor Sereto is on her way to your house. Do you think we can move him?" he asked with concern.

"He's an angel!" Reid gaped, still in shock (though his eyes had managed to shrink back to their normal size) .

"Reid, focus." Hotch ordered.

"He's an angel. " the genius repeated.

" Reid. "

Reid blinked. "Uh. Right. Sorry." His twitching and wringing hands betrayed his nerves.

 

Though the BAU officers had already returned to normal, Sarah was still clawing at her face, and Lapis had likewise grabbed one of her belt flaps and bit down upon it in order to keep herself from screaming. (Cupid, on the other hand, had burst into giggles.)

“I’d ask for some of that Bleeport, but I’m not legal yet,” the Super grumbled.

Lapis gave her an annoyed look. “Palkia’s tail, not you too!

“Did you see what happened to Spence, Lapis?! Having eyes as big as yours relative to your face looks a lot more disturbing in live-action than it does in your art style. Trust me.”

The anime-styled ex-Sue gave Sarah a burning glare that would have KO’d an Avalugg had the expression been taken literally, her Sharpedo-teeth bared and a bright red X-shaped intersection of veins appearing over her hair.

As the agents watched, Reid, Hotch, and JJ examined the Kid Icarus canon, and then helped lift him into JJ’s car. Before she could get in, however, she noticed Pit’s bow, and picked that up as well (after accidentally cutting her finger on its edge).

 

"Be careful with that." Reid cautioned, looking torn between excitement at the sight of an alien weapon and fear of said weapon. "We don't know what it can do."

JJ snorted. "What, do you think that it shoots arrows made of energy or something?" she asked sarcastically. She had no idea how right she was.

 

“Indeed she hasn’t,” Cupid chuckled quietly.

“We can skip ahead, I think,” said Sarah. “The latter part of this chapter involves the BAU taking Pit to JJ’s place, which is where Dr. Sereto first shows up in person. We may have to see if she can be assimilated, though — I don’t recall her being part of the show.”

One portal later, the agents sneaked into JJ’s house to watch the BAU members some more. Luckily, Dr. Gina Sereto — a petite black-haired woman with smooth olive skin, dressed in a white lab coat with a simple blue shirt beneath it — was fairly plausible for a Criminal Minds OC.

“I’ll let you be the judge, actually,” Lapis said to Sarah at this assessment. “Neither of us have seen the show, and my author only knew snippets of it while he was still on dA.”

“We’ll let her do her work, and once Pit’s all better, we’ll assimilate her into the canon,” the Super replied, nodding and holding up her RA. “For now, let’s move on to Chapter Four.”

 

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Sorry for not updating for so long. Writer's block sucks. BTW, I recently discovered the "Review Reply" feature and now will be using it. Sorry for not responding to reviews before, but I didn't know how. (sheepish smile)

Also, I am completely hopeless with Mario, Wario, and Luigi's accents. Be prepared for horribleness in that area.

 

“Horribleness with accents?!” Lapis almost shrieked, having cowered in fear at the Author’s Note once again.

“I guess that’s what happens when all you have to go on is, ‘It’s-a me! Mario!’” Cupid quipped, ignoring the blue-haired girl’s irritated expression.

 

CMSSBBCMSSBB

 

The agents hit the floor just as another scene break whizzed over their heads. A moment later, they were back on board the Great Fox — just in time for Sarah’s stomach to finally give in.

The dark-haired Super collapsed to her knees and proceeded to vomit all over the floor, just as the chapter title rang out.

 

Chapter Four: More Than He Seems

 

"Shouldn't we be there by now?" Sonic asked impatiently.

It had been hours since their hasty departure from Smash Stadium, and the speedy Hedgehog was bored. Being confined to a ship was not Sonic's definition of a good time. With all of the Smashers lying about or sleeping, he could not run around without tripping or slamming into somebody. Being hit at high speeds by a spiky Hedgehog would not end well for either party. So the Mobian was forced to impatiently wait, pacing rapidly back and forth in a small empty space near the cockpit of the Great Fox. Mario watched him tiredly, his blue orbs following Sonic's movements.

"Fox has-a had to redirect his path multiple times. The Milivoj are-a trying to track us." the plumber said. "He said-a something about tracking "hyperspeed"."

 

Sarah recovered from her nausea just in time to see a pair of round blue objects appear over Mario’s shoulders.

Cupid’s eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas day. “Eyetrack Orbitars?! Oooh, gimme!”

“Not yet!” Lapis hissed in her usual panicky tone. “We’ll have to wait until we’re done with this mission before we can pick up anything from the canons!”

“I know, but the charged shots from the Eyetrack Orbitars have the best homing of any weapon! They’ll be perfect for sniping, if only I could just get my hands on them!”

The blue-haired girl pouted, and promptly felt a third giant sweatdrop roll down her hair. “Only you, Cupid. Only you.”

 

Falco, who had just walked in, answered the Hedgehog's question. "We're going to Smash World's fertile moon."

Sonic blinked at him. "Fertile moon?"

"Yeah. It's pretty much a small planet. The atmosphere is breathable, there are forests and water everywhere, and there's even natural wildlife." the blue bird said, stretching a kink out of his back. "It doesn't reflect the sun's light like the other moon so many people assume Smash World has only one. Most people don't even know it's there."

 

The agents looked at each other, completely aghast.

“F-fertile moon?!” Lapis cried.

“That’s never been heard of until just now?!” Sarah added.

“Falco had a kink in his back?!” Cupid finished. The girls looked at him in annoyed confusion, and then returned to the topic at hand.

“What do we do?!” the blue-haired ex-Sue whispered in fear. “If this turns out to be a Suvian location, we’ll need to get the DOGA to help us out!”

“Whoa whoa, calm down!” Cupid replied. “Just because it’s an uncanonical location doesn’t mean it’ll disrupt the canon. The bird even said that nobody knows about its existence, so maybe if the Smashers keep it that way…”

“Good point!” said Sarah. “We’ll judge its worth when we get there, though. If we know it can be incorporated into this continuum without damaging it, we’ll leave it be.”

“Right,” Lapis replied, her voice still doubtful. “But there’s so many things that don’t belong here already. We don’t need one more.”

“Like Sarah and I said, it doesn’t have to belong,” said Cupid. “It just has to look like it does.”

Lapis had no answer for that, but her expression remained uneasy.

The agents watched Sonic converse with Link, who wondered about his purpose now that Ganondorf was presumably dead. And then…

 

Grief rose once more in the Hedgehog's chest and he found himself fighting tears. No. He would not start thinking about Pit. He would not. He could not. The angel was as chatty and cheerful as he, and the two had become fast friends when they had arrived at Smash Mansion after defeating Tabuu. Sonic remembered their official meeting clearly.

 

Flashback:

 

The world shifted around the agents, and Lapis actually screamed this time and collapsed to the ground, curled up in a fetal position. Sarah was looming protectively over her in an instant, ignoring her sudden dry-heaving, and only looked up just in time to see that Cupid had taken out his Chalice and Bleeport again.

“Uh, Cupid?” the Super asked worriedly, taking her eyes off of the sight of Pit exchanging banter with Sonic to watch the angel’s double pour another serving of the dark red drink. “Are you sure you wanna keep drinking that?”

The male agent was preparing to drink the Bleeport from the Chalice when he looked at her, confused and slightly offended. “Of course I’m sure! They’re making Sonic angst now! That’s just… unforgivable!”

“Why?” Lapis asked in a quiet voice. “It’s not like he hasn’t cried before!”

“No, Lapis,” he replied, before quaffing the contents of the Chalice in several great gulps. “Sonic never cries. *hic* Never.

“We just haven’t seen him —”

“I know enough about the franchise *hic* to know that angsting this much and this quickly is OOC, and if you’re *hic* trying to find a valid gamoto excuse…”

Valid excuse?! ” the ex-Sue snapped, her voice rising and her vicious teeth bared. “Don’t make me laugh! You’re just jumping to conclusions based on a faulty assumption like the imposter Gary Stu you once were!”

“Gary Stu? GARY STU?!” Cupid slurred angrily, before starting to rant and cuss in Greek. “I was an Impetus miserabilis , a Suvian *hic* embodiment of depression, and before I was torn away from my *hic* canon counterpart, I hated every single gami̱ménos moment *hic* of my entire Palutena-damned existence! And if you honestly think I’m *hic* making a faulty assumption just because I once *hic* made some poutanas gios stick dull razor blades in his vlakas CONDOMS, then Lapis Lazuli, you little *hic* blue-haired skatofatsa , you can go —”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!!! ” Sarah yelled suddenly, making both of her partners whip round to look at her with abject horror. Before the canonical characters could notice them as well, the older girl had opened a portal and dragged them by the ears to after the end of the flashback, which had consisted of Pit telling Mario off for talking smack to Sonic. Cupid had just enough time to witness the present Sonic on board the Great Fox bursting into tears, but before he could lunge at him in a drunken rage, his partners cried out in alarm and ducked to the floor again for some strange reason.

Said reason became clear a second later. The angel agent’s head had a painfully unscheduled meeting with yet another scene break ( CMSSBBCMSSBB ), and just like that, his whole world went dark.