If Kokichi were to say how exactly he ended up in his current predicament, it would be described in two words: stupidity and more stupidity.
Shuichi and him had been dating for about three months and had become official just under two months ago, a quarter of the way into their second year. No big deal, dating was perfectly natural at their age. They had kissed quite a few times too, and on the odd days that the pair of them were feeling particularly frisky he would occasionally kick it up a notch and start macking on the other boy like there was no tomorrow, with tongue and everything! Once they had even lost their shirts! Besides that, they hadn’t ever gone much further.
So when Kokichi casually remarked during one of their makeout sessions, “we should totally have sex!” he really hadn’t expected Shuichi to agree. He had expected the other boy to sputter, to possibly remark on how they should discuss the matter more first. That’s what he had been hoping for.
He really didn’t expect Shuichi to simply shrug and say, “sure, if that’s what you want.”
And that’s how Kokichi ended up underneath Shuichi, shirt lost and pants unbuttoned.
The fact is that Kokichi really didn’t want to have sex. The thought in itself was terrifying, absolutely appalling, gross and unhygienic and just plain weird. Too vulnerable. Too human. Too intimate.
Kokichi didn’t love Shuichi. Not yet. If he were to ask the other boy, frankly he’d be terrified if Shuichi were to say that he loved Kokichi. He wouldn’t be surprised if he turned tail and ran from the scene right then and there, never to look back and then later proceeding to pointedly ignore Shuichi whenever they were in the same room together.
That made Kokichi wonder.
Shuichi didn’t seem like the type to just fuck somebody willy-nilly. He seemed to appreciate the thought of closeness, of intimacy in both the mind and the body, some sappy shit like that.
Did Shuichi love him?
Currently, the detective was latched on to his neck, sucking and lapping at the red, blue marks he left on him.
It didn’t feel bad. It felt quite good, actually. Kokichi definitely had masturbated to this exact scenario more times than he would care to admit. He had envisioned Shuichi above him, thrusting into him and pinning his arms above his head and having his way with him.
This is what he wanted, wasn’t it?
Why didn’t he want this?
“ Kokichi… ” mumbled Shuichi, face still planted firmly into his neck and hand trailing down his stomach, firmly grasping onto his boner.
He barely managed to suppress his sudden girlish squeal, the noise coming out of his mouth more resemblant of a moan than anything else. Oh god, that was mortifying!
It really didn’t help when Shuichi decided to take his moan as an invitation to begin stroking his bulge. “S-Shuichi! What’re you--” he was cut off by another one of his treacherous moans when Shuichi angled his palm a certain way, stroking the underside of his dick. Goddammit , it felt good. Why doesn’t he just go for it?
“Mmm… don’t you think we’re a bit overdressed?”
No, I’m fine like this.
Shuichi nodded and removed his face from his neck, sitting up and grabbing his own pants so as to take them off. He looked happy. His face was serene and peaceful and he had the cutest little smile gracing his features. He must really want this.
He paused in the midst of pulling his pants down. “A-Aren’t you going to take yours off?”
Even though his mind screamed at him to stop, even though his stomach turned and rolled, even though every limb of his trembled and begged for mercy, Kokichi sat up and took off his pants. Thank god they hadn’t decided to shed their boxers yet. Kokichi wasn’t sure that even he could handle that much.
He decided to ignore the impending doom.
Shuichi went right back to where he left off, suckling at his neck and stroking his dick through the fine fabric that his boxer briefs offered. The strokes were so much more intense, so much more intimate, so much more scary and gross and repulsive and vulnerable and
He was crying.
“K-Kokichi?” Despite the fact that Kokichi made sure to muffle his sobs with his hand, Shuichi must’ve felt him start taking in deeper breaths, quietly begging for mercy from his own emotions. Shuichi sat up, golden gaze focused intently on his own. He didn’t fail to notice the genuine concern that laced the wrinkles of his face, nor the worry imprinted on just his name. God, he was such a shit boyfriend compared to Shuichi, what had he even done to deserve a partner like him? He couldn’t even enjoy an intimate encounter with him, couldn’t find it in himself to love another human being, couldn’t stop being an absolute piece of shit for one second and give his boyfriend the love he desperately deserved!
The thought made him sob harder.
“H-Hey! What’s wrong?” Shuichi retracted his hand from his quickly fading boner and instead opted to place it delicately on Kokichi’s cheek, wiping away the tears that fell from his eye and massaging feeling back into his muscles. The other hand went up to Kokichi’s head, stroking and kneading his scalp through his thick black locks.
Goddammit, this was way worse than before! Now he just looked pathetic!
“Nothing!” he tried to put on a smile, but he felt like the effect was lost by the tears that refused to stop coming. “You seriously fell for that? Nishi, what a dumbass~!”
As expected, Shuichi didn’t stop stroking his cheek nor his head. He merely stared into Kokichi’s eyes, desperate and pleading and so safe that it made Kokichi feel sick to his stomach. “Kokichi,” he started, “when we entered this relationship, you told me that you’d be more honest with me. Was that a lie?”
Yes. No. I don’t know!
He stayed silent.
“Did you lie to me when you said you wanted to have sex?”
“Is that a lie?”
“... can you get off of me?” As if only just realizing that he was still on top of Kokichi, Shuichi shot back like he had been shocked, lifting his hands up uselessly and rolling off of the smaller boy.
Kokichi sighed, a sick, sardonic relief blossoming within his chest. He wanted this. He didn’t want this. He wanted to be loved, but he didn’t. He didn’t want the pressures that came with sex. He didn’t want to marry Shuichi, he didn’t want to be connected with him in such an intimate way, he didn’t want to be exposed or vulnerable or anything that comes with it.
“Kokichi.” Oh shit, Shuichi was still there. “You can trust me. I…” please don’t say love “... care about you. A lot.”
The pair of them must’ve looked absolutely ridiculous; dressed in only boxers with Kokichi grossly crying and Shuichi timidly looking on, hands lifted as if to cuddle him but unsure how to approach.
“... do you?”
Kokichi stayed silent.
“... you care about me, right?”
“Yes!” Despite himself, Kokichi sat straight up at Shuichi’s question, grasping firmly onto his hands and squeezing them between his own. He faltered, “... but…” his thoughts went unsaid. He wanted to make Shuichi feel good. He wanted to be a good boyfriend. He wanted to give his all to Shuichi, but he felt useless because he couldn’t give him his all, unless Shuichi wanted to fuck a boyfriend who was crying because he couldn’t keep his damn feelings in check.
Shuichi smiled, “then you should know that we don’t have to do this right now. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. Don’t ever think that you have to force yourself to do this.”
He really didn’t deserve Shuichi.
Kokichi dove his face into Shuichi’s bare chest, desperately trying to hide the fresh tears that threatened to show. Shuichi hummed, his hand back to stroking Kokichi’s scalp.
“Can we cuddle?”
Shuichi didn’t give an answer, silently lounging backwards onto his pillow and dragging Kokichi with him, his head still firmly planted into Shuichi’s skin. Shuichi gave a soft, mesmerizing laugh, “I thought you’d never ask.”
Kokichi didn’t love Shuichi, but he was damn close.