Inspiration for this chapter came from Mari M's Barry/Killer Frost fanvid over on youtube, link here.
This oneshot assumes Caitlin never fully became Frost and that Savitar accepted help offered to him by Team Flash.
These Are The Things I Could Do Without
He's always so wound up but even as she shouts at him - frustrated beyond belief that he's bringing up her powers again - she can tell he's holding back. He replies with the cutting remarks expected of him. He raises his voice but he doesn't let go, he doesn't open up.
They saved him and he never shows his appreciation. They offered him a home and he lurks in the shadows still, not willing to take the place they've made for him. He's stalled here, no longer alone but just as broken.
“If you hate it so much here why don't you leave?“ she huffs out as she's stepping up to him, showing she isn't afraid. She's never been afraid of him, only of herself, of who she was destined to be around him. But she knows she's not that ice cold version of herself Barry saw in the future. That headline never came true, same as all the others. They diverted their lives from that tragedy, moving forward into this reality where he's not an enemy but not really an ally either.
“You could be so much more than this,“ he says, palms up, spreading out as he indicates first to her, then more widely to the labs in general.
Why is he talking about her? He can't be saying he's staying because of her, can he? The person he remembers working with in the future is the person she's never going to be, not anymore. His being saved destroyed that timeline. She might have that potential in her but she won't allow it to break her further apart. She has to heal stronger than that and come back from the darkness inside her. With that she's doing better than him at least.
He chooses to step closer in absence of her responding, his voice dipping lower, “Frost had more power than you could imagine. She was the one person who truly had it in her to end me. If she'd wanted that.“
She thinks at first he's talking about what she could do if she tried harder to utilise the powers she grapples with. Despite all she knows she could do, her intent remains to leash these abilities for fear of losing control completely. But then her mind catches up with the rest of what he's implying. Frost was his biggest threat. Logically he should have ended her as soon as possible, unless he was a fan of keep your enemies closer. She isn't sure that is it though.
Savitar doesn't rein in the ruthless streak Barry is undoubtedly capable of – like the anger he'd shown them in response to Eobard Thawne, and to Zoom, hurting those he'd loved. Savitar embodies it, had burned with a rage that had nearly consumed him until they'd managed to pull him back from the brink. That's part of the reason he's benched, not trusted on official Team Flash business until he shows more restraint. She'd assumed that was why he'd taken to annoying her with repeated demands to train her; his boredom and his need to get in on the action even if it's only her versus him, barely a challenge except in the initial task of convincing her to go along with it.
“Why didn't you kill her?“ she blurts it out, unable to stop her morbid curiosity winning over tact or common sense.
She can see by the slight widening of his eyes that he doesn't expect that question. He shifts his gaze down for a moment, takes in a deep breath as if steadying himself. When he looks back up to her he seems marginally less tense, something around the eyes softer than she is used to seeing on him.
“She was the only person who didn't reject me.“
She understands then what Frost meant to him. There's the unadmitted corollary - Frost was the last tie he'd had to who he used to be, one he wasn't willing to sever. He'd never been able to completely cut Barry Allen out of him. Killer Frost had looked to Savitar for acceptance and he had looked to her for it in return.
“I'm not her,“ Caitlin replies and it comes out more defiant than intended.
“No,“ he says briefly, clearly acknowledging that truth. He takes a step forward, very deliberately entering her personal space, continuing on, his tone becoming husky, “Like I said before, you could be more.“
Unexplainably her heart skips a beat, the situation awakening a desire she's never felt before in his presence. Her breathing is ragged all of a sudden and she wants to close that remaining distance so badly but he's gone almost as soon as the words had left his mouth, leaving only an empty space in front of her and too many questions she isn't sure she will find the strength to ask anytime soon.