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darling, I

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let’s talk about when we met:
we were courageously young and carefree,
only had eyes for each other
I remember how your dark hair framed your face
I remember how your free-spirit and my stubbornness got us in trouble
I remember your laughter when we were home, how sweet it was
I remember our families, gains and losses
I remember that when I closed my eyes, I was truly happy.
I was falling for you.

you’ve always cared for me,
in sickness and in health.

we got older, colder
not only we were friends, the best of friends, but we were frustrated
(I think we both knew we wanted it too much)
that’s why the awkward silences
that’s why all those women
that’s why the drinking
that’s why all the fights
that’s why the looks
we had talked much more through expressions than words
I never said it then, but you knew
– darling, I loved you.

you went away,
you were so young and the world was so cruel.
I had to do something about it, and you know it.
I was afraid we’d meet again but anxious to do so,
that’s why I went looking for you
searching for something, for an answer.

the night we got together was simultaneously the happiest and saddest,
you know why.
there’s nothing more powerful than the war to raise old feelings
and to break them apart,
I felt as if you had proposed to me and shot me right after.
we couldn’t be together.
not now.

you fell, right in front of my eyes.

I missed you.

the emptiness I felt when I woke up could not be true,
but there I was, and you weren’t.
I was seventy years too late to mourn you,
but I did it anyways.
we promised that maybe after the war was over we could be alone,
but I was alone without you.
everything I imagined for us could be attained –
everything but you.

after all this time I was glad, because at least I had hope.
yes, I was crushed for your lack of memories, but I was awed for the your part
you. alive. again.
couldn’t say if it was a blessing or a curse
only that now I could make it right,
make it up for all the lost time.
there was a glimpse in your eyes
there was, again, a beating to my heart
there was joy

you were away, but alive.
I was alive, but alone.
my hope was that we could be alone together,
although I knew our timing sucked.
between all this mess, I dreamed of you
(the hope and the threat
short and long hair
soldier and assassin
whole and empty
free and caged
relaxed and vigilant
joker and stresser
child and ancient
colorful and meaningless
protector and weapon
in my life again
mine and not)
and you should know that I loved you always.
I don’t know who you are now,
but I promise to love you even more.
you don’t know who am I now,
and I hope to live up to your standards.

you got better and I’m so proud,
everyday you get happier, brighter, louder and more lovely.
you are my melody
when I open my eyes, you’re there
when I breathe, it’s lighter
when I am, you are
let’s just be.
nothing could break us apart anymore.
we were happy again, smiling like little kids
we were courageous again, holding hands
we were hopeful again, we vowed to love each other
we were our best selves.

but darling,
you disappeared, right in front of my eyes.
your last words were my name.

I miss you.