Chapter 1: Ian Wants Everyone Dead
Every year, Arlington High had the ASB president show the new students around before their first day.
This year, like most, no one was excited for it. Or, at least, that’s how Joshua Ovenshire imagined it.
Joshua, or Joven as he preferred to be called, couldn’t have been less thrilled to show up at school the day before school was even supposed to start. He wouldn’t have even gone if his mom hadn’t made him. But there he was, following a bunch of signs leading him to the school’s library. The signs were so big and so close together, he wondered how stupid they thought he was. Sure, he was all but blind, so the highlighter yellow paper helped, but he wasn’t stupid.
When he entered the library, he was greeted by a few faces that looked as bored as he felt. He had been right, no one wanted to be here. He was immediately approached by a bigger, intimidating-looking guy.
“You one of the new kids?” The guy asked.
“Uh, yeah,” said Joven, trying to look something that wasn’t terrified.
“Okay, check your name off on this.” Big guy handed him a list of names. He had to squint to find his, but it was there. It would’ve been just his luck to get left out, so he was admittedly a little surprised.
“Okay, we’re just gonna wait around for a bit and let the others show up, so feel free to grab a seat.” Big guy said. Something about this kid felt warm and friendly to him.
Joven found that there were many couches in the library, which made him feel much more comfortable, both mentally and physically. All of the kids present were clustered in one area. He decided to take a seat on a couch away from them, but not too far off. There he sat, pulled out his phone, and swore he wouldn’t look up until forced to.
That was, until someone interrupted him.
“Damien?” A toned boy with blond hair asked, belineing for the circle.
“Dude!” Another boy, the one Joven guessed was Damien, stood up. The two embraced in the douchiest brohug Joven had ever seen.
“What are you doing here?” Muscle boy asked.
“Well, I’d have to ask you the same,” said Damien.
“Probably what you’re doing here…?
Another boy piped up. “Okay, it’s cute that you’re having a moment and all, but there are other people here, too, so like, you’re cool and all, but keep it down.”
Muscle boy looked angry and embarrassed all at once, but Damien was calm. “Yeah, that’s cool, sorry. Come on, Shayne, let’s go sit.”
Big guy walked to the front of the room. “Well, it’s 11 now. Is David here yet?”
“I’m here!” Said a voice at the back of the room. Joven watched a boy with bright orange hair run through the room, panting. “I’m here!”
“You’re David Moss?”
“Okay.” Big guy checked off the last name on his list. “So, everyone’s here, I guess we can start. My name’s Matt Raub, and I’m your ASB president this year. I’m gonna be showing you around the school today, but first, since you guys-“ Matt eyed Damien and Shayne “-most of you guys don’t know each other, I thought it’d be good to go around and get to know each other’s names.” Matt pointed to the girl next to him.
“Oh, I’m starting?” The girl asked. Matt nodded. “My name’s Olivia.”
Everyone went around the circle. There was Olivia, Noah, Ericka, Wes, Damien and Shayne, David, Matt Sohinki, Courtney, Ian, Keith, and Mari. And also Joshua.
“Okay,” said Matt Raub. “Let’s start this tour!” He was almost too enthusiastic.
Joven drifted naturally to the back of the group. There were people talking to each other, somehow, but he wanted no part of it. So he stayed in the back and prayed no one noticed him.
“Hey, you said your name was Josh, right?”
Joven winced. It was that David kid. Joven already didn't like him. He shook his head. “Joshua or Joven. Never Josh.”
“Ah, sorry. Let me start over.” David spun around in place. “Hey, you, wasn’t your name Joven?”
Joven, try as he might not to, had to laugh, and as the conversation went on, he started warming up to the kid. He talked a lot, but he was kinda funny.
“...So anyway, where are we even going? We’ve just been walking for a while. Hey Matt?”
“Yeah?” 2 voices asked at the same time. The group stopped. The Matts stared each other down.
“Oh, shit, that’s gonna get confusing real fast,” said Keith, the boy who had interrupted Damien and Shayne.
“You guys can just call me Sohinki,” said Sohinki. “That’s what my friends at my old school called me.” There was an air of sadness in his voice.
“Okay, first of all, this is- guys- this is the- everyone shut up!” said Matt. Everyone laughed. Except Matt.
As the day went on Joven was getting more and more used to these people. Everyone was nice and funny. Some even reminded him of his old friends at his old school. And though moving wasn’t the best thing to happen in the middle of high school, he thought, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.
The next day during school, Joven found himself standing there during lunch, looking for a seat. He hadn’t really made any friends in his classes that day, and if he sat with anyone, that would be weird.
“Pssst, psst.” He heard from behind him. He turned around. There was Olivia, and behind her was Courtney, Ian, David, Wes, and Noah. He joined their group, turning away so no one would see the stupid looking grin on his face. Had he actually found some friends? Once they had gathered all 13 of them, they left the cafeteria to find a place to eat.
They staked their claim in the courtyard behind the school, which separated the main school building from some portables.
Ian held out his phone. “Okay, if we’re doing this, we’re not doing this halfway. Everyone type their name and number into my phone.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea,” said Mari, taking her phone out.
Everyone ended up pulling their phones out, and then, in a cult-like fashion, they passed their phones in a circle, everyone giving their number out to everyone. By the time he was finished Joven was sure he’d never forget his number. Or his name.
But then, not a minute later when everyone received the notification that Ian had started a group chat, Joven regretted everything he had ever done ever.
Ian has added Matt, Mari, Joshua, Noah, Shayne, Ericka, David, Keith, Courtney, Damien, Wesley, and Olivia to the chat
Ian: hello everyone
Mari: ian...w h y
Ian: mari...w h y n o t
Noah: and here i thought this was gonna go well and i’d have a decent group of friends
Courtney: oh hey a group chat cool
Joshua: No, not cool, this is how friendships DIE
Shayne: how fun
Joshua has changed their nickname to “Joven”
Ian: oh yeah if you have a nickname you go by this would be a good time to say
Wesley has changed their nickname to “Wes”
Ericka has changed their nickname to “boze”
Matt has changed their nickname to “Sohinki”
David: the other matt is gone now you know
Sohinki: i know, i just like this better :)
Mari: sohinki do you actually still use emoticons
Sohinki: so what if i do
David: dear god
boze: why r we using this we’re sitting right next 2 each other
Courtney: yeah socialization is a thing
Ian: right sorry
Ian: guys did you know that dave has a tattoo
Damien: Of what?
Ian: a unicorn with a laser on it’s back
David: it’s my lasercorn
Joven: Dude, that’s so cool
David: uh, thanks
Joven: Can I call you Lasercorn
David: that’s actually kind of cool what the hell
Joven has changed David’s nickname to “lasercorn”
lasercorn: FROM NOW ON I SHALL BE HAILED LASERCORN
Damien: That’s kinda badass, dude.
lasercorn: i know
Wes: i don’t think i have a single class without one of you guys in it!
Noah: Shayne, Courtney, Olivia, Keith and I all have homeroom together
lasercorn: i’m currently in photoshop with joven mari and sohinki
lasercorn: we definitely aren’t playing minecraft
Ian: are you all 12
boze: damien and i r home ec partners
Noah: Damien why are you in home ec
Damien: Gosh, thanks for exposing me, Boze.
Damien: I wasn’t able to sign up for my classes, they just put me in some. But I feel like now it would be rude to Boze if I switched out so I guess I’m stuck here.
Noah: mhmm surrrre
Ian: courtney and olivia are lab partners in chem
Ian: they left me all alone
Ian: i’m sad
Ian: i feel abandoned
Courtney: shut up you immediately paired up with Lasercorn
Joven: Hey, Lasercorn is my thing
Ian: i’m not talking to you i’m talking to olivia
Ian: she forgot that lasercorn even existed so she felt bad
Joven: Only I can call him Lasercorn
lasercorn: no it’s way cooler than my actual name
lasercorn: everyone should call me lasercorn
Joven: Just smosh my hopes and dreams, I guess
Joven: guys stop
Joven: You guys weren’t even online?!
Noah: I told them to come
Mari has renamed the chat “Smosh”
Mari: my finger slipped
Joven: Mari I thought I could trust you
i have no beta here so i’m just playing all typos off as purposeful
Chapter 3: Stalker Mari Enters Hell
Damien: Dude, you’re late, the joke is already not funny.
Damien: Shayne, you’re a failure.
Shayne: aw, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me
Keith: I still think it’s pretty funny
Keith: also, since both of you are here now, I’ve been meaning to ask
Keith: how the hell do you guys know each other
Damien: We were best friends in elementary school.
Shayne: yeah and then his stupid family had to move
Damien: Says you, now we’ve both moved.
Shayne: you moved first
Damien: Yes but now we are back together and no one will tear us apart. We will take over the world as a duo!
Shayne: sure sounds fun i guess
Joven: I think Mari is stalking me
Wes: mari stop stalking joven!
Mari: what are you talking about
Joven: You’re in front of my house
Mari: i’m in front of my house, what are you talking about
Joven: You’re literally chilling on the sidewalk in front of my house
Mari: wait joven is the house you live in green
Mari: with the tree that looks like satan’s hand coming up to drag you into hell
Joven: Oddly specific but yeah I live in a green house
Mari: holy shit we’re neighbors
Mari: i live in the pinkish one
Wes: you live in a pink house?!
Joven: It’s not a nice color to look at
Keith: ok back the fuck up a sec
Keith: Joven has a tree that looks like Satan’s hand
Mari: it does!
Damien: Knowing Joven for as long as I’ve known him, I believe it.
Shayne: does that mean joven lives in hell
Mari: no, just above it
Joven: Why is this whole chat just dedicated to bullying me
Joven: Also Mari do you want to come inside my place?
Joven: it looks hella cold out there
Mari: as long as i get a house tour
Mari: and i’ll give you a house tour after
Mari: yay i get to see what it’s like in hell
Joven: You guys make my life hell
Shayne: i can live with that lmao
Sohinki: mari and joven huh
Sohinki: think they’re having sex as we speak
Courtney: oh my god stop
Sohinki: just sayin ;)
Ian: but like seriously what are the odds that 2 houses go up for sale right next to each other at the same time
Damien: Well, they weren’t necessarily up at the same time, just both were moved into during the summer.
Damien: But it is entirely possible.
boze: o sorry didn’t know you were a real estate expert
Damien: I’m not.
Ian: was that a roast
Sohinki: i feel like we all need to see this satan’s penis tree in person
Courtney: satan’s penis?
Sohinki: or whatever the hell it is
Sohinki: i just have penis on the brain
Sohinki: WAIT NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT
boze: gr8 job real subtle
Damien: Maybe this satan hand/penis/whatever tree can be our meet up place?
Ian: meet up place
Ian: are you 12
Damien: Yeah, a twelve out of ten, bye.
boze: did he just
Courtney: come on ian i like the idea
Courtney: it makes me feel like i’m in an adventure movie
boze: it’s kinda lit i guess
Ian: fine, if it’s okay with everyone else
Ian: especially joven considering it’s his satan tree
Courtney: everyone in this group chat but as vines:
Courtney: please discuss.
Courtney: give everyone a vine that describes their personality.
Joven: Damien is Iridociclitis or however it’s spelled
Shayne: no damien is the croissant one
Damien: Really? I’ve always thought of myself as the bin of screaming chicken toys.
Keith: Olivia is happy birthday Raven for sure
Olivia: hahaha yeah cuz i can’t swim that’s really funny keith
lasercorn: i nominate dis bitch empty for boze
Ian: noah...maybe oovoo javer?
Noah: maybe damien is when life gives you lemons
lasercorn: i dunno…
Courtney: when life gives you lemons is probably Shayne
Mari: no shaYNE IS THERE’S ONLY ONE THING WORDT THEN A RAPIST
Shayne: a child
boze: YES OMG
Keith: okay olivia i feel bad for making fun of you so i actually think you’re i wanna be a cowboy baby
Olivia: I LOVE THAT ONE
Olivia: THAT OLD MAN IS SO CUTE
Damien: Courtney is the hemorrhoids girl.
Joven: Which one am I
Shayne: either zack stop or kevin watch the light
lasercorn: joven has to be kevin watch the light
lasercorn: i’m zack stop
Joven: Wait, but does that make me Kevin or the brother
Courtney: that’s not how it works
Noah: yeah dude you’re just the whole vine itself
Joven: But like...are you guys just making fun of me again
Joven: Fuck you guys
Courtney: ok so who’s left
Damien: me, Mari, Sohinki, Wes, Ian, and Keith.
Shayne: oh ok so sohinki is the barbecue sauce on my titties dude
Sohinki: i’m honored ?
Olivia: wes is the kid with the knife
boze: wes is knife kid
Noah: whoa are you guys right next to each other talking about this?
Ian: don’t forget me what about meeeee
Keith: ian you’re can i get a waffle
Ian: I approve
Sohinki: mari is miss keisha?
Noah: dude mari is like
Noah: i smell like beef or look at all those chickens or something
Keith: i smell like beef for sure
Ian: is that everyone then?
Damien: No guys, you’re forgetting someone.
boze: OMFG I GOT IT
boze: DAMIEN IS THE GUY WHO GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND IT LIKE “AH FUCK I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT” OR WHATEVER
Courtney: nO IT’S I CANT BELIEVE YOU’VE DONE THIS
Damien: Dude, I LOVE that guy!
Courtney: okay, so to recap
Courtney: Damien is I can’t believe you’ve done this
Courtney: Boze is this bitch empty
Courtney: Shayne is there’s only one thing worse that a rapist
Courtney: Olivia is I wanna be a cowboy
Courtney: I’m hemorrhoids
Courtney: Keith is and they were roommates
Courtney: Lasercorn is Zack stop
Courtney: Mari is I smell like beef
Courtney: Joven is Kevin watch the light
Courtney: Noah is oovoo javer
Courtney: Ian is can I get a waffle
Courtney: Sohinki is barbecue sauce on my tiddies
Courtney: and Wes is the knife kid
Courtney: k cool thanks
Sohinki: courtney why do you even want to know this
Courtney: for science
yeah it was short but sometimes the shorter the better ya know? also, i’m working on a lot of new projects and trying hard not to abandon this one
if you have a vine to assign to a smosh member tell me below, i’m genuinely interested
Chapter 5: Shayne Gets High off of Zero Sleep
so i realized that this chapter was supposed to be before the vine one but since that one wasn’t crucial to any plot or anything, we’re just gonna slide this in here now.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Shayne: guys d
Shayne: this migh tbe thw whitest thing i ever day but
Shayne: sprite is literaly jst spicu water
Keith: bruh it’s the middle of the night how high are you
Shayne: just hi on life bb
Olivia: i just laughed so hard i must’ve woken up everyone in this entire house
Olivia: and also the house next door
Keith: don’t encourage him
Shayne: what ifwe callde milk co w water
Shayne: like thast literally what i tis
Olivia: stooppop imm gonna dieeee
Shayne: okay okat wait
Shayne: if a quix is quizzical
Shayne: wgatcdoes that make a test
Olivia: OH MY GLDJdhrhrhe
Shayne: okay serioos questio
Keith: i have a serious question
Keith: you good fam
Keith: like are you drunk right now
Shayne: no just asss tired
Shayne: can you be somethign if you are sonething
Shayne: like if your a chick can yo just be like oh sorey i’m being sucg a gorl right bow
Shayne: cuz your alway a girl
Olivia: it’s so hard to understand what you’re saying
Courtney: is Shanye West dying
Shayne has changed their nickname to “shabye west”
shabye west: fuck idid it wrong
shabye west: whatever
Courtney: why is Shayne making sense to me
Courtney: it’s like when a white person calls Sprite spicy water and says they’re being so white
Courtney: like they aren’t being especially white because they’re always white
Courtney: you know
Keith: oh yeah that makes sense
shabye west: do you thing birds hav ebirb school so thy can get an be birfs
Courtney: okay Shayne time for you to sleep
shabye west: but your not sleepign
Courtney: I’m also not acting like I’m addicted to lsd
shabye west: i dont wannna go
Olivia: shayne i will turn this car around
shabye west: okay fin e
shabye west: godnihgt
Keith: why did that work
Olivia: idk magic
Olivia: we should all sleep it’s really late
Olivia: or early
Olivia: whatever, it is a time at which we should not be awake
Courtney: actually that’s a good idea
Keith: aight goodnight yall
Noah: dammit why do i always miss the good stuff
boze: this chat has existed for a day
Wes: good morning everyone!
Wes: i know no one is really up yet but i just wanted to be the first to say good morning!
lasercorn: why the hell
Joven: Do you always wake up at the asscrack of dawn?
Wes: guys it’s not even that early!
Wes: school starts in 3 hours!
Joven: You take 3 hours to get ready?
Wes: well some of us can’t drive yet and have to take the bus!
Joven: And that takes 3 hours?
Wes: ...shut up!
Wes: you know, scientists say it’s better to wake up early and go to bed early!
Joven: Whatever I’m going back to bed so I can wake up 10 minutes after school starts
lasercorn: i mean i guess i’ll be up for the rest of the morning now so i’ll stay with you
Mari: what the hell guys
Mari: you’re making our phones go off like crazy
lasercorn: just put em on silent
Wes: what do you mean our phones?
lasercorn: wait what
lasercorn: oh yeah
Mari: you know, everyone in this chat
Mari: not just the two of you but everyone else
Mari: did you forget that there are other people
lasercorn: no we just don’t care
Wes: i care!
lasercorn: i don’t
Wes: i’m sorry for waking you up mari!
Wes: and anyone else!
Mari: it’s okay i was kinda up anyway no thanks to joven
lasercorn: what was joven doing
lasercorn: that’s not...you know what nvm
Courtney: yo dudes what’s up igot a hot 3 hours of sleep last night and i’m fkcking ready to go
Courtney: also joven when are we gonna see the satan tree
Mari: joven’s asleep again but maybe after school today we can meet up?
Mari: idk how many of us drive but hopefully it’s enough that we can all figure it out
Mari: we’ll talk about it a lunch or smthing
lasercorn: mari you need to stop the stalking thing
lasercorn: watching joven when he sleeps is crossing the line lol
Mari: shut up
shabye west: guys what the hell did i do last night
i want to try and continue this story (jeez how many times have i said that lol) and a lot of what happens in it is based off of weird events that happen to me in real life. but my life isn’t all that interesting so...
if you have any weird stuff you wanna see happen here let me know!
i still don’t have an actual plot yet so ideas are vvv appreciate