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just smosh my hopes and dreams, i guess

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Every year, Arlington High had the ASB president show the new students around before their first day.

This year, like most, no one was excited for it. Or, at least, that’s how Joshua Ovenshire imagined it.

Joshua, or Joven as he preferred to be called, couldn’t have been less thrilled to show up at school the day before school was even supposed to start. He wouldn’t have even gone if his mom hadn’t made him. But there he was, following a bunch of signs leading him to the school’s library. The signs were so big and so close together, he wondered how stupid they thought he was. Sure, he was all but blind, so the highlighter yellow paper helped, but he wasn’t stupid.

When he entered the library, he was greeted by a few faces that looked as bored as he felt. He had been right, no one wanted to be here. He was immediately approached by a bigger, intimidating-looking guy.

“You one of the new kids?” The guy asked.

“Uh, yeah,” said Joven, trying to look something that wasn’t terrified.

“Okay, check your name off on this.” Big guy handed him a list of names. He had to squint to find his, but it was there. It would’ve been just his luck to get left out, so he was admittedly a little surprised.

“Okay, we’re just gonna wait around for a bit and let the others show up, so feel free to grab a seat.” Big guy said. Something about this kid felt warm and friendly to him.

Joven found that there were many couches in the library, which made him feel much more comfortable, both mentally and physically. All of the kids present were clustered in one area. He decided to take a seat on a couch away from them, but not too far off. There he sat, pulled out his phone, and swore he wouldn’t look up until forced to.

That was, until someone interrupted him.

“Damien?” A toned boy with blond hair asked, belineing for the circle.

“Dude!” Another boy, the one Joven guessed was Damien, stood up. The two embraced in the douchiest brohug Joven had ever seen.

“What are you doing here?” Muscle boy asked.

“Well, I’d have to ask you the same,” said Damien.

“Probably what you’re doing here…? 

Another boy piped up. “Okay, it’s cute that you’re having a moment and all, but there are other people here, too, so like, you’re cool and all, but keep it down.”

Muscle boy looked angry and embarrassed all at once, but Damien was calm. “Yeah, that’s cool, sorry. Come on, Shayne, let’s go sit.”

 Big guy walked to the front of the room. “Well, it’s 11 now. Is David here yet?” 

“I’m here!” Said a voice at the back of the room. Joven watched a boy with bright orange hair run through the room, panting. “I’m here!” 

“You’re David Moss?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay.” Big guy checked off the last name on his list. “So, everyone’s here, I guess we can start. My name’s Matt Raub, and I’m your ASB president this year. I’m gonna be showing you around the school today, but first, since you guys-“ Matt eyed Damien and Shayne “-most of you guys don’t know each other, I thought it’d be good to go around and get to know each other’s names.” Matt pointed to the girl next to him.

“Oh, I’m starting?” The girl asked. Matt nodded. “My name’s Olivia.”

Everyone went around the circle. There was Olivia, Noah, Ericka, Wes, Damien and Shayne, David, Matt Sohinki, Courtney, Ian, Keith, and Mari. And also Joshua.

“Okay,” said Matt Raub. “Let’s start this tour!” He was almost too enthusiastic.

Joven drifted naturally to the back of the group. There were people talking to each other, somehow, but he wanted no part of it. So he stayed in the back and prayed no one noticed him.

“Hey, you said your name was Josh, right?”

Joven winced. It was that David kid. Joven already didn't like him. He shook his head. “Joshua or Joven. Never Josh.”

“Ah, sorry. Let me start over.” David spun around in place. “Hey, you, wasn’t your name Joven?”

Joven, try as he might not to, had to laugh, and as the conversation went on, he started warming up to the kid. He talked a lot, but he was kinda funny.

“...So anyway, where are we even going? We’ve just been walking for a while. Hey Matt?”

“Yeah?” 2 voices asked at the same time. The group stopped. The Matts stared each other down.

“Oh, shit, that’s gonna get confusing real fast,” said Keith, the boy who had interrupted Damien and Shayne.

“You guys can just call me Sohinki,” said Sohinki. “That’s what my friends at my old school called me.” There was an air of sadness in his voice.

“Okay, first of all, this is- guys- this is the- everyone shut up!” said Matt. Everyone laughed. Except Matt.

As the day went on Joven was getting more and more used to these people. Everyone was nice and funny. Some even reminded him of his old friends at his old school. And though moving wasn’t the best thing to happen in the middle of high school, he thought, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

The next day during school, Joven found himself standing there during lunch, looking for a seat. He hadn’t really made any friends in his classes that day, and if he sat with anyone, that would be weird.

“Pssst, psst.” He heard from behind him. He turned around. There was Olivia, and behind her was Courtney, Ian, David, Wes, and Noah. He joined their group, turning away so no one would see the stupid looking grin on his face. Had he actually found some friends? Once they had gathered all 13 of them, they left the cafeteria to find a place to eat.

They staked their claim in the courtyard behind the school, which separated the main school building  from some portables.

Ian held out his phone. “Okay, if we’re doing this, we’re not doing this halfway. Everyone type their name and number into my phone.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea,” said Mari, taking her phone out. 

Everyone ended up pulling their phones out, and then, in a cult-like fashion, they passed their phones in a circle, everyone giving their number out to everyone. By the time he was finished Joven was sure he’d never forget his number. Or his name. 

But then, not a minute later when everyone received the notification that Ian had started a group chat, Joven regretted everything he had ever done ever.

Chapter Text

Group Chat:

12:24 PM

Ian has added Matt, Mari, Joshua, Noah, Shayne, Ericka, David, Keith, Courtney, Damien, Wesley, and Olivia to the chat

Ian: hello everyone

Mari: ian...w h y

Ian: mari...w h y n o t

Noah: and here i thought this was gonna go well and i’d have a decent group of friends

Courtney: oh hey a group chat cool

Joshua: No, not cool, this is how friendships DIE

Shayne: how fun

Joshua has changed their nickname to “Joven”

Ian: oh yeah if you have a nickname you go by this would be a good time to say

Wesley has changed their nickname to “Wes”

Ericka has changed their nickname to “boze”

Matt has changed their nickname to “Sohinki”

David: the other matt is gone now you know

Sohinki: i know, i just like this better :)

Mari: sohinki do you actually still use emoticons

Sohinki: so what if i do

Sohinki: :P

David: dear god

boze: why r we using this we’re sitting right next 2 each other

Courtney: yeah socialization is a thing

Ian: right sorry

 

1:45 PM

Ian: guys did you know that dave has a tattoo

Damien: Of what?

Ian: a unicorn with a laser on it’s back

David: it’s my lasercorn

Joven: Dude, that’s so cool

David: uh, thanks

Joven: Can I call you Lasercorn

David: that’s actually kind of cool what the hell

Joven has changed David’s nickname to “lasercorn”

lasercorn: FROM NOW ON I SHALL BE HAILED LASERCORN

Damien: That’s kinda badass, dude.

lasercorn: i know

Wes: i don’t think i have a single class without one of you guys in it!

Noah: Shayne, Courtney, Olivia, Keith and I all have homeroom together

lasercorn: i’m currently in photoshop with joven mari and sohinki

lasercorn: we definitely aren’t playing minecraft

Ian: are you all 12

Joven: Yes

boze: damien and i r home ec partners

Noah: Damien why are you in home ec

Damien: Gosh, thanks for exposing me, Boze.

boze: np

Damien: I wasn’t able to sign up for my classes, they just put me in some. But I feel like now it would be rude to Boze if I switched out so I guess I’m stuck here.

Noah: mhmm surrrre

Ian: courtney and olivia are lab partners in chem

Ian: they left me all alone

Ian: i’m sad

Ian: i feel abandoned

Courtney: shut up you immediately paired up with Lasercorn

Joven: Hey, Lasercorn is my thing

Ian: i’m not talking to you i’m talking to olivia

Ian: she forgot that lasercorn even existed so she felt bad

Joven: Only I can call him Lasercorn

lasercorn: no it’s way cooler than my actual name

lasercorn: everyone should call me lasercorn

Joven: …

Joven: Just smosh my hopes and dreams, I guess

Ian: smosh

lasercorn: smosh

boze: smosh

Noah: smosh

Wes: smosh

Courtney: smosh

Damien: smosh

Joven: guys stop

Keith: smosh

Olivia: smosh

Sohinki: smosh

Joven: You guys weren’t even online?!

Noah: I told them to come

Mari has renamed the chat “Smosh”

Mari: my finger slipped

Joven: Mari I thought I could trust you

Mari: lol

Chapter Text

Smosh:

4:32 PM

Shayne: smosh

Damien: Dude, you’re late, the joke is already not funny.

Shayne: damn.

Damien: Shayne, you’re a failure.

Shayne: aw, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me

Keith: I still think it’s pretty funny

Keith: also, since both of you are here now, I’ve been meaning to ask

Keith: how the hell do you guys know each other

Damien: We were best friends in elementary school.

Shayne: yeah and then his stupid family had to move

Damien: Says you, now we’ve both moved.

Shayne: you moved first

Damien: Yes but now we are back together and no one will tear us apart. We will take over the world as a duo!

Shayne: sure sounds fun i guess

Joven: Um

Joven: Guys?

Joven: I think Mari is stalking me

Wes: mari stop stalking joven!

Mari: what are you talking about

Joven: You’re in front of my house

Mari: i’m in front of my house, what are you talking about

Joven: You’re literally chilling on the sidewalk in front of my house

Mari: wait joven is the house you live in green

Mari: with the tree that looks like satan’s hand coming up to drag you into hell

Joven: Oddly specific but yeah I live in a green house

Mari: holy shit we’re neighbors

Mari: i live in the pinkish one

Wes: you live in a pink house?!

Joven: It’s not a nice color to look at

Keith: ok back the fuck up a sec

Keith: Joven has a tree that looks like Satan’s hand

Mari: it does!

Damien: Knowing Joven for as long as I’ve known him, I believe it.

Shayne: does that mean joven lives in hell

Mari: no, just above it

Joven: Why is this whole chat just dedicated to bullying me

Joven: Also Mari do you want to come inside my place?

Joven: it looks hella cold out there

Mari: as long as i get a house tour

Mari: and i’ll give you a house tour after

Joven: Sure

Mari: yay i get to see what it’s like in hell

Joven: You guys make my life hell

Shayne: i can live with that lmao

 

5:57 PM

Sohinki: so

Sohinki: mari and joven huh

Sohinki: think they’re having sex as we speak

Courtney: oh my god stop

Sohinki: just sayin ;)

Ian: but like seriously what are the odds that 2 houses go up for sale right next to each other at the same time

Damien: Well, they weren’t necessarily up at the same time, just both were moved into during the summer.

Damien: But it is entirely possible.

boze: o sorry didn’t know you were a real estate expert

Damien: I’m not.

Ian: was that a roast

Damien: Maybe…

Sohinki: i feel like we all need to see this satan’s penis tree in person

Courtney: satan’s penis?

Sohinki: or whatever the hell it is

Sohinki: i just have penis on the brain

Sohinki: WAIT NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

boze: gr8 job real subtle

Damien: Maybe this satan hand/penis/whatever tree can be our meet up place?

Ian: meet up place

Ian: are you 12

Damien: Yeah, a twelve out of ten, bye.

boze: did

boze: did he just

Courtney: come on ian i like the idea

Courtney: it makes me feel like i’m in an adventure movie

boze: it’s kinda lit i guess

Ian: …

Ian: fine, if it’s okay with everyone else

Ian: especially joven considering it’s his satan tree

boze: yeet

Chapter Text

Smosh:

10:34 PM

Courtney: everyone in this group chat but as vines:

Courtney: please discuss.

Sohinki: what

Courtney: give everyone a vine that describes their personality.

Joven: Damien is Iridociclitis or however it’s spelled

Shayne: no damien is the croissant one

Damien: Really? I’ve always thought of myself as the bin of screaming chicken toys.

Keith: Olivia is happy birthday Raven for sure

Olivia: hahaha yeah cuz i can’t swim that’s really funny keith

lasercorn: i nominate dis bitch empty for boze

boze: YEET

Ian: noah...maybe oovoo javer?

Noah: yeah...

Noah: maybe damien is when life gives you lemons

lasercorn: i dunno…

Courtney: when life gives you lemons is probably Shayne

Mari: no shaYNE IS THERE’S ONLY ONE THING WORDT THEN A RAPIST

Shayne: a child

boze: YES OMG

Keith: okay olivia i feel bad for making fun of you so i actually think you’re i wanna be a cowboy baby

Olivia: I LOVE THAT ONE

Olivia: THAT OLD MAN IS SO CUTE

Damien: Courtney is the hemorrhoids girl.

Joven: Which one am I

Shayne: either zack stop or kevin watch the light

lasercorn: joven has to be kevin watch the light

Noah: why

lasercorn: i’m zack stop

Joven: Wait, but does that make me Kevin or the brother

Courtney: that’s not how it works

Noah: yeah dude you’re just the whole vine itself

Joven: But like...are you guys just making fun of me again

Damien: Yes.

Joven: Fuck you guys

Courtney: ok so who’s left

Damien: me, Mari, Sohinki, Wes, Ian, and Keith.

Shayne: oh ok so sohinki is the barbecue sauce on my titties dude

Sohinki: i’m honored ?

Olivia: wes is the kid with the knife

boze: wes is knife kid

Noah: whoa are you guys right next to each other talking about this?

Olivia: no

boze: no

Ian: don’t forget me what about meeeee

Keith: ian you’re can i get a waffle

Ian: I approve

Sohinki: mari is miss keisha?

Noah: dude mari is like

Noah: i smell like beef or look at all those chickens or something

Keith: i smell like beef for sure

Ian: is that everyone then?

Damien: No guys, you’re forgetting someone.

Olivia: who

Olivia: oh

boze: OMFG I GOT IT

boze: DAMIEN IS THE GUY WHO GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND IT LIKE “AH FUCK I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT” OR WHATEVER

Courtney: nO IT’S I CANT BELIEVE YOU’VE DONE THIS

Damien: Dude, I LOVE that guy!

Courtney: okay, so to recap

Courtney: Damien is I can’t believe you’ve done this

Courtney: Boze is this bitch empty

Courtney: Shayne is there’s only one thing worse that a rapist

Courtney: Olivia is I wanna be a cowboy

Courtney: I’m hemorrhoids

Courtney: Keith is and they were roommates

Courtney: Lasercorn is Zack stop

Courtney: Mari is I smell like beef

Courtney: Joven is Kevin watch the light

Courtney: Noah is oovoo javer

Courtney: Ian is can I get a waffle

Courtney: Sohinki is barbecue sauce on my tiddies

Courtney: and Wes is the knife kid

Courtney: k cool thanks

Sohinki: courtney why do you even want to know this

Courtney: for science

Lasercorn: what

Chapter Text

Smosh:

1:26 AM

Shayne: guys d

Shayne: this migh tbe thw whitest thing i ever day but

Shayne: sprite is literaly jst spicu water

Keith: bruh it’s the middle of the night how high are you 

Shayne: just hi on life bb 

Keith: what 

Olivia: i just laughed so hard i must’ve woken up everyone in this entire house

Olivia: and also the house next door

Shayne: lmaoooo

Keith: don’t encourage him

Shayne: what ifwe callde milk co w water

Shayne: like thast literally what i tis

Olivia: stooppop imm gonna dieeee

Shayne: okay okat wait

Shayne: if a quix is quizzical

Shayne: wgatcdoes that make a test

Olivia: testical

Olivia: OH MY GLDJdhrhrhe

Shayne: okay serioos questio 

Keith: i have a serious question 

Keith: you good fam

Keith: like are you drunk right now

Shayne: no just asss tired 

Shayne: can you be somethign if you are sonething 

Keith: what 

Shayne: like if your a chick can yo just be like oh sorey i’m being sucg a gorl right bow

Shayne: cuz your alway a girl 

Olivia: it’s so hard to understand what you’re saying 

Courtney: is Shanye West dying

Shayne has changed their nickname to “shabye west”

shabye west: fuck idid it wrong 

shabye west: whatever 

Courtney: why is Shayne making sense to me

Courtney: it’s like when a white person calls Sprite spicy water and says they’re being so white

Courtney: like they aren’t being especially white because they’re always white 

Courtney: you know 

Olivia: no

Keith: oh yeah that makes sense

Keith: oh

shabye west: do you thing birds hav ebirb school so thy can get an be birfs

Courtney: okay Shayne time for you to sleep

shabye west: but your not sleepign 

Courtney: I’m also not acting like I’m addicted to lsd 

shabye west: i dont wannna go

Olivia: shayne i will turn this car around 

shabye west: okay fin e 

shabye west: godnihgt

Keith: why did that work

Olivia: idk magic 

Olivia: we should all sleep it’s really late

Olivia: or early

Olivia: whatever, it is a time at which we should not be awake

Courtney: actually that’s a good idea 

Keith: aight goodnight yall

Olivia: goodnight

Courtney: night

 

3:47 AM

Noah: dammit why do i always miss the good stuff

boze: dude

boze: this chat has existed for a day

Noah: tru

 

5:02 AM

Wes: good morning everyone!

Wes: i know no one is really up yet but i just wanted to be the first to say good morning!

lasercorn: why the hell

Joven: Do you always wake up at the asscrack of dawn?

Wes: guys it’s not even that early!

Wes: school starts in 3 hours! 

Joven: You take 3 hours to get ready?

Wes: well some of us can’t drive yet and have to take the bus!

Joven: And that takes 3 hours?

Wes: ...shut up!

Wes: you know, scientists say it’s better to wake up early and go to bed early!

Joven: Whatever I’m going back to bed so I can wake up 10 minutes after school starts

Wes: lasercorn?

lasercorn: i mean i guess i’ll be up for the rest of the morning now so i’ll stay with you

Wes: yay!

Mari: what the hell guys

Mari: you’re making our phones go off like crazy

lasercorn: just put em on silent

Wes: what do you mean our phones?

lasercorn: wait what

lasercorn: oh yeah

Mari: …

Mari: you know, everyone in this chat

Mari: not just the two of you but everyone else

Mari: did you forget that there are other people 

lasercorn: no we just don’t care

Wes: i care!

lasercorn: oh

lasercorn: i don’t

Wes: i’m sorry for waking you up mari!

Wes: and anyone else!

Mari: it’s okay i was kinda up anyway no thanks to joven

lasercorn: what was joven doing

Mari: nothing

lasercorn: that’s not...you know what nvm

Courtney: yo dudes what’s up igot a hot 3 hours of sleep last night and i’m fkcking ready to go

Courtney: also joven when are we gonna see the satan tree

Mari: joven’s asleep again but maybe after school today we can meet up?

Mari: idk how many of us drive but hopefully it’s enough that we can all figure it out

Mari: we’ll talk about it a lunch or smthing

lasercorn: mari you need to stop the stalking thing

lasercorn: watching joven when he sleeps is crossing the line lol

Mari: shut up

 

8:24 AM

shabye west: guys what the hell did i do last night