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i can fly but i want her wings.

Chapter Text

“i can fly but i want her wings.”

“Have you ever seen a heaven like this” he whispered in the darkness, a muted colour of crackling light splashed across his face, it wasn’t really a question, he wasn’t actually addressing her, she wasn’t really a part of the scene he’d set out before him, just a bystander, a witness, the reflection of the streetlights high in the sky rippling in the water as pedestrians stepped in the puddles, shuffling through an eternally lit city, busy to the point of auditory explosion on the senses if he had allowed sound to permeate into this memory, this slight refraction of light that his mind projected in front of him like a silent movie. He reached for her hand finding it cold to the touch, she wasn’t listening to him, eyes fixed on that mirage just beyond the midpoint of the memory, something in the distance, tears streaming down her face as the figure appeared again, turning in slow motion, her brown hair billowing around her pale features, the small smile creasing into the corners of her mouth, pulling her eyes into line with the shell of the girl beside him, lost in the darkness with him wishing for a miracle in the form of a plethora of pixels glowing right before their eyes.

He’s trying to lace his fingers with hers to pull her close and out of the memory, he knows will turn toxic sooner than she realises, the facade has her in its clutches, and the next thing he knows is she’s reaching for the light before her, reaching for that girls hand in the darkness and he knows that she’ll touch nothing, that in reality there is nothing, this is all a figment of ‘his’ imagination, an imagination he controls, it is but a memory on the roll of film deep inside his head playing on a constant repeat and yet each layer, no matter the date, the time, the age, the same girl appears, slow motion in the ensuing chaos around her, forever young, forever the small smile playing on her lips, forever reaching for her, for Laura, dark eyes hollowing into his soul as even his heart catches fire, feeling a warmth it’s not felt in so many years.

Laura’s fingertips are so close to the shimmer that his squeezes do not register because her fingers are about to touch her after so so very long and she doesn’t have the strength to pull away, not even as the memory bursts into a thousand brilliant white pixels scattering to the four winds it explodes all around them sinking them into complete darkness. All that’s left is the feeling of his hand inside her own and the rapid ragged gasps of her heavy breathing in an attempt to pull as much air into her lungs as possible, not that she needs it.

She wipes furiously at the wetness on her cheeks and angrily pulls her hand away from his before she realises she’s shouting and it’s shattering the pretty silence she had just a moment ago when Carmilla had been right there, so close to touch and still so so far it would hurt deep inside her heart if she still had one.

“WHY!?—” she’s red in the face all her emotions on display as she makes out his aura in the darkness, his heavenly glow and unfurled wings producing his defensive stance because he knows it’s coming even before the words are out of his mouth “—Who is she?” He knows he’s interrupted her mid sentence but the rage is still there if not stronger and it’s only by lightning reflexes that he catches her hand in his own before she slaps him clean across his face.

Laura’s own unfurled wings covet her back, the feathers tickling her forearms as they move closer, closing protectively around her small frame; if emotions could crack her skin right now she would have been a disfigured statue like the ones you see in the cemetery that have been there for years, rotting away. Laura doesn’t want to answer him but she also can’t pretend she didn’t hear him, she hears everything, sees everything and so does he, it’s their punishment, no their ‘destiny’ because there is no one else here, just them, Laura and William, the two disgraced angels, cast down from heaven for disobeying the order of things, for saving rather than taking and they have both done it, both losing their most treasured person because of it. Laura never asks William who it was that he’d saved, just the same as William had never asked her why it had been Carmilla, it had been without thinking an impulse decision and the last time she’d seen those eyes were as Carmilla clutched her chest, feeling her newly beating heart beneath her ribcage, the shock plastered all over her face as her other hand shot out to grab for a disappearing Laura, missing by inches as she faded out just as her wings pulled her back into the darkness. A darkness where Carmilla was nothing but a memory in a faded silent movie playing on repeat.

William deserved an answer, it was only fair, they’d been waiting for a lifetime in the dark, where there was no time and no real tell for just how much time had passed. As she let her wings go, the soft glow of her own aura flickering, fading slightly, greying out, it’s once brilliant bright white light dying under the weight of this inexistence, “She has my heart” She stilled her hand on his chest, the rage from earlier all but dissipated under the weight of the truth and the fear she knew William could see in her eyes as she drew them to meet his; “She’s the one I saved..” she swallowed hard, forcing the lump of emotions back down into her throat, as William’s hand presses against her own on his chest,

“But really, it was she who saved me”.

Chapter Text

“CARRMILLLAAA—!”

 

Her left hand is tied into a fist, deep knotting the sheets pulling them from her body as it thrusts her right out dead in front of her reaching for the ghost that is Laura disappearing into the the darkness shaking, she’s dead upright in the bed, stale breaths caught in her lungs she’s gasping and crying both at the same time, neither help with the need to breathe and the onward struggle to take in as much air as she could to slow the pounding of her newly beating heart, Laura’s heart. It thuds harder than expected, knowingly, deep inside her ribcage never easing the ache that has been there from the beginning. An ache that told of its fight to get to her and only her, though it had been gifted in the most traumatic of ways it was but half a heart inside her chest when she couldn’t behold its owner.

 

Untangling her fingers from the sheets she noted the girl who’s sleeping soundly besides her despite her very loud and terrifying wake up call from her latest nightmare in which Laura was ripped from her grasp inches from actually touching. It haunted her like the shocked look on her girlfriends face would for her entire life, if you could call what ‘this’ was life. Existence, because without the younger girl to touch and hold and love she was merely existing here.

 

She didn’t know the girl, who slept next to her, by name, she never knew their names. They were just there in the darkness with her when it mattered most when the demons would close in and she was left gasping for the air she wasn’t used to breathing. When they fucked her she wasn’t really there, and they’d cotton on soon enough that she wasn’t really with it and leave or crash and burn out on the bed next to her in some drug induced haze from the stuff they had picked up from the club that night. Carmilla hadn’t made love to anyone since the night that Laura told her she was an angel, when she’d lifted them both clean off the roof of the library and pulled Carmilla closer to her as the night sky whipped around them and the vampire had balked at their sheer height and maybe clung to the other girls smaller frame like a cat scared it was going to be bathed. Laura hadn’t let her fall, only smiled bringing them both back down to earth in the middle of the courtyard outside their dormitory, Carmilla had run her hands through Laura’s shining golden hair as she kissed her deep and full, taking in and absorbing as much of the wildness inside with the breathlessness of an angel. She’d carried Laura up the stairs and laid her on her bed with the strength of a centuries old vampire, she’d been nervous, which was flawed, she was never nervous, but now she was a mess, staring down at Laura, taking her all in, the way her flawless skin blended into beautiful white wings that she tucked away till there was eventually none to be seen, her breathless smile and the way she bit her lower lip that caused a million butterflies to take flight in Carmilla’s stomach. Her hands against her skin, fingernails raking up and down the length of her arms, into all the grooves and smoothing over the scars she’d obtained before she’d become immortal. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” she had whispered closer to Carmilla’s ear than before, slowly stroking the hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “I didn’t want what I am to change what we are” Carmilla had stared at her, a weird smirk on her face as she replied “I could say the same thing about me sweetheart” the smile broadened as she watched Laura realise what she had said and cover her face in mock embarrassment. “You know what I mean Carm!” Carmilla’s hand removed Laura’s from her face so she could see the sincerity in her eyes “I do, cutie, I do— but this..” she gestured to all of Laura that lay beneath her “all of this, is not going to change the way that I feel about you—” She cupped Laura’s face and stroked along the rough patterned skin of her lips with her thumb, “the way that I love you” she’d replaced her thumb with her lips and kissed Laura deeper than she’d kissed her in all the time that they had been together, and when she’d fallen through every crack in her existence at the hands of the angel it was almost as though her soul was coming apart at the seams, all that darkness, that self loathing and hatred that buried itself so deep into her spine was lifted slightly just by being in Laura’s arms, listening to the soft thud of her heart against her embrace as they fell asleep.

 

Laura’s heart wasn’t softly thudding in her own chest, it beat with an odd intensity that crept into all her cracks and broke them open wider. She couldn’t heal with this heart inside her, it killed her from the inside out. Carmilla let the door click softly behind her leaving yet another woman to wake up alone with no explanation. The early morning was colder than the night before, though she’s not remembering it right because that was two, no three nights ago and she’s been here numb in this place for seventy two hours sleeping, fucking, sleeping, faking. Carmilla swallowed the large lump of bile that rose in her throat as Laura’s heart reminded her of its existence in her empty chest cavity. “Laura—” she lives here in the darkness forever walking to and from this club alone, with a girl, alone, with a woman, with Laf, sometimes Perry, alone, with the ghost of Laura, alone. “—where are you?” But she doesn’t want just the ghost of her this time, she wants those gigantic flurry of white glowing wings to unfurl and envelope her as her hands greet the soft skin of Laura’s face, she wants that kiss to last a lifetime and more importantly, she wants it to be real.

 

Carmilla’s phone buzzes, it’s Laf, it’s the eighth phone call, from them, in so many hours that she’ll let go to voicemail. There’s only so much rational talking that Carmilla can do right now, there’s only so many times that Laf can assure her that they and Perry are doing the best that they can to find Laura, but they want to know where to start looking and Carmilla cannot tell them because she knows, as they do now, that Laura was sucked back into that darkness like someone had a hold on her wings and just like that she was gone. There’s only so many times that Carmilla can explain this to the ginger twins without it sounding like she’s talking nonsense. She’s not talking nonsense right? She didn’t just imagine this and is now living this lie where she thinks that Laura is real, that the heart inside her chest is actually hers and that last night with Laura was a lie, the wretched thing thuds again deep within her chest walls and she knows she’s betraying Laura’s memory by being so callous. Laura exists. Existed. She exists in Carmilla’s memory if nowhere else. Laf calls again, the buzzing hums along with the thumping bass that catches up to her ears as she rounds the corner to the club the shining blue and black neon lights lighting up the street in an incandescent glow, her phone continues to ring and Carmilla knows this is because her voicemail is full, she’s not yet been brave enough to delete the seven messages that start with “Hey, it’s Laura” just hearing that voice again, even in her mind, brings on yet another onslaught of emotions. She can’t cry, not now. On the eighty seventh ring she picks up her phone “What?!?” It’s mean, she knows this and yet at nearly three in the morning she doesn’t care. Laf sounds strained on the other end, she can hear Perry crying in the background, she doesn’t want to know if they’ve had another fight and maybe that’s horrible but it’s the truth, Carmilla can’t deny that she’s only just holding on, if the sheer amount of women she’s slept with in the last month is any indication to the fact, she’s drowning and this hopelessness and self loathing is only dragging her further beneath the surface. “Carm—” she stops a few metres shy of the entrance, a bouncer she knows from a couple of nights earlier nods to her, she doesn’t acknowledge him back, Laf’s speaking again but it’s muffled, as she realises they’re trying to comfort Perry at the same time. Carmilla envy’s their closeness. She misses that. “—the police are here— they’ve found…..” their voice breaks a bit and they cough audibly swallowing before continuing “they’ve found a body, and we’ve—” they clear their throat again and all she can hear is the thumping music and how it’s totally in time with the thumping of her heart because she knows what’s coming next “we’ve gotta go down a..a..and identify t..the body” ‘the body’ Carmilla wants to scream, she wants to break something but moreover she wants what she’s just heard to be a dream, another fucked up nightmare, all she can say is “Okay” it’s a broken affirmation “—Okay, where?” She wonders if it’s the same place she had to identify the body of her brother all those years ago when she really truly had no one left in the world. Only a month later had she met Laura, she wasn’t at her best, a shadow of the vampire she had been, Laura’s glow had made everything seem just that little bit less shit and eventually even the loss of her brother had felt like a lesser weight on her shoulders because she had hold of Laura’s hand and more importantly Laura had had a hold of hers.