Chapter 1: Smoke, Beer and Blood
It was three thirty in the morning, the emergency department was quiet. Ino Yamanaka, the emergency department nurse, was sitting at her triage desk, a glass separator was in between her and the seats where unruly patients would usually be, flicking through her snapchat stories and taking duckface selfies to send to Sakura. It was a quiet night, as Wednesdays usually were - until the automatic doors opened. Ino quickly put her phone on her desk and put on a pleasant smile for the incoming patient, who waved at her, Woolsworth bag in hand.
“Wasss ssssssup Ino.”
He had silver hair long enough to be swept behind his ears and strange pink eyes, and multiple tattoos up his arms. He was wearing the same disgusting hoodie as always, and reeked of smoke, beer, and blood.
Noticing that he had her attention, the man grinned crazily. Ino saw several cracked teeth, obviously from a fight, and knew exactly who he was.
“Do you ride a motorbike to work, Ino?” Hidan put his Woolworths shopping bag down with a small thunk on the gleaming white counter that separated him and Ino. The bag mushed against the glass pane and Ino paid no attention to it.
“Well, Yamanaka is the name of a motorcycle brand isn’t it?”
“Haha, whoops? I mean Yamaha. Fuck me I’m dumb. You probably come in one of those corvette convertibles things that you put the roof down when it’s over fifteen degrees…” Hidan trailed off, looking past her to the double doors on the left, where the emergency surgeries took place. ”Never mind. I don’t fucking care about you - Is ‘kuzu around?”
Ino rolled her eyes. “Before you even see Doctor Kakuzu, you need to tell me your name, date of birth - and if you have your medicare and health care card-”
Hidan leaned in close, pressing his nose against the security glass. “Ino, you know all this.” As he spoke, his tongue touched the glass barrier, breath fogging up the crystalline surface. Ino looked at him blankly, trying not to make an unprofessional face. “No, I see hundreds of people everyday. I really don’t.”
“I’m like, the regular here.”
“You’re only the regular here just so you can see Doctor Kakuzu.” Ino pointed out.
“Aww. Butting into my personal life now? How sweet. You see, Doctor Kakuzu will eventually go on a date with me and there is nothing you can do about it.”
Ino put a piece of paper on a clipboard and handed it to Hidan. “You need to fill this out and come back to the desk.”
Hidan looked around the empty seats, and slid the clipboard back under the glass, until it fell down onto her desk and phone. Pens scattered everywhere and rolled at her feet. “Why do I have to fill this out over there?”
“Fill it out here then.”
“Why can’t you write?”
“And why can’t you?”
Hidan pulled up his left sleeve. “I ain’t got a hand.”
Ino jumped out of her chair, frightened by the stump where Hidan’s left hand and part of his wrist was supposed to be, cleanly cut off with the bone in the middle. Ino cringed at his wild smile and paged Kakuzu, as he was the only doctor available. While waiting for him, Ino quickly typed out the chart for Hidan, using the details on the computer that had been supplied from previous appointments.
As per usual, Kakuzu turned up wearing sexy as fuck plaid - who the fuck wears plaid these days? And pointy business shoes? But while other professional men with pointy shoes would have looked like fucking Christmas elves, somehow Kakuzu managed to pull it off. Then it was Hidan’s turn to cringe when he found his favourite doctor was wearing a flu mask.
Kakuzu stopped dead in his tracks and glared at his least favorite patient.
“Where’s your sexy white lab coat?” Hidan had this fantasy that when he came into the hospital, Kakuzu would be naked except for the lab coat. “I’m so fucking sad right now.”
“This isn’t Scrubs ,” Ino reminded him, finishing off the paperwork.
“Next time we need a code to tell me when Hidan appears so I don’t have to deal with him,” Kakuzu said directly to Ino, right in front of Hidan.
“I can hear you.”
“That’s nice,” said Kakuzu sarcastically. His eyes drifted down to the Woolworths bag Hidan had put against the ledge.
“My hand’s in here. I’m immortal, but I’m dying at the same time.” Hidan offered as an explanation. He picked out the greying arm from the bag, and stared at his stump interestedly. “Of, uh, blood loss from… amputation?” There was no blood leaking anywhere.
“If you are ‘immortal’, then why are you here again?”
“Couldn’t get in at the doctors. There’s a fucking waiting list.” Kakuzu raised his eyebrows and Hidan knew in an instant he was being caught lying. There was a silence for a few seconds while the printer next to Ino’s desk started working. Ino clipped the sheet when it was printed out onto a pink clipboard.
“I’m an emergency room doctor, not a general practitioner.”
“Same shit, different building.”
Ino handed over the clipboard to Kakuzu.
“Right. So what is what is actually wrong with you this time?” Kakuzu flipped through the sheet that was given to him. He read out loud. “Patient suffering from transradial amputation of the hand with visible tissue damage to the lower left arm...currently in calm state.”
“I’ve lost my needle and thread.” Hidan pulled up the stump of his arm, and took his left grey mangled hand and showed Kakuzu where it needed to be reattached. “Can you reattach pretty please? I need it.”
“I’m sure you can live without it.” Kakuzu’s eyes lingered on the clean bone cut off from the muscle, but made no comment.
“My left hand has a tattoo that says ‘JASHIN’ with the J A S H on four fingers then IN on the thumb. You can’t fucking have a tattoo on a piece of plastic shit. Do you know how much tattoos cost? It’s also my wanking hand. You know how hard it is to masturbate using a non-dominant hand -”
“How long has that hand been detached for?” Kakuzu ignored Hidan’s ranting.
“I dunno… like two days? I went to work and my boss said I should probably go and get it put back on. I don’t need it going in ice or anything. Just needle and thread, not the shit from Lincraft. Like, medical grade shit. It happens all the time, I swear, ‘cause my stupid fucking housemate insists that art is throwing a clay grenade at me while I’m asleep.”
“If you are immortal, do it yourself.”
“I’m left handed you fuckwit.” The Rudest And Most Impatient Doctor Ever was just not buying it. Kakuzu beckoned Hidan along to his examination room. Hidan gave Ino a smug look before following him.
Hidan swung onto the elevated bed, wiggling a little to make the paper cover crease and tear.
Kakuzu went through a drawer, rummaging around. “This is the third time you’ve been here this week,” he pointed out, “I’m guessing you don’t need a tetanus shot - ah.” He found what he needed.
Hidan watched intently as Kakuzu picked up a syringe of anesthetic, ripped off the sterilized wrapper and threw it into the hazardous materials bin. Turning towards his least favourite patient, Kakuzu flicked the syringe several times until a droplet appeared at the tip of the needle. “Sakura says you left yesterday after having a disagreement when you came in. I would have, too.”
Hidan laughed. “You can’t deny me service, I have a wife and two point five children to feed.”
Kakuzu didn’t reply to that at all, and jammed the syringe into the arm which was currently attached, gradually releasing the clear liquid until it clicked empty. “This is starting to smell. I do not see the point of reattaching a limb which is already rotting. Fortunately for you, I already have seen your healing ability.”
“Oh so you remember!?” Hidan asked excitedly, thinking back to the time he first met Doctor Kakuzu several months ago.
“Hmm,” Kakuzu said nonchalantly. “Next time if you want it reattached and I am not here, get Sakura to do it.”
“I don’t like Sakura,” said Hidan. “She’s no fun at all. Where the fuck were you yesterday?”
“Negotiating a pay rise.” said Kakuzu bluntly, exasperation bleeding through his flu mask.
“Doctors make like, billions or some shit. Why do you need a pay rise? In fact, I need a pay rise. Five hours a week gets me nothing at my job.”
Kakuzu almost asked how Hidan could live with such a pitiful income, but paused. He shook his head and changed the subject.
“Has the anesthetic worked yet?”
Hidan shook his head. “It’ll never fucking work. Just put my arm on. As slowly as you can - bear in mind, not that I want it to hurt, but so I can spend a little bit of time with you.” He wriggled a little bit, smiling flirtatiously.
Kakuzu made a dismissive noise while he checked his watch.
It was four in the morning, Hidan noticed. No one was good at conversation at four in the morning, right? Especially not his favorite doctor, who was kind of shit at it to begin with. Not that it mattered to Hidan.
Hidan tried again, now thinking of tactic number two.
“When are you gonna take that fugly mask off?” To kiss me and then suck my dick, he wanted to add.
“Never.” Clicking his tongue, Kakuzu grabbed the Woolworths bag and tossed it onto the examination table. He changed gloves and brought a stainless steel cart over, the tools underneath clinking away gently. “Stay still,” he said, before holding Hidan’s shoulder steady against the table.
Hidan huffed a little, but obeyed. His mind raced as he tried to think of something interesting to say.
“I was gonna be a nurse,” said Hidan, who had fluttered his eyes while Kakuzu matched the limb to the arm.
“Why aren’t you a nurse?” To get a better view, Kakuzu pulled Hidan’s arm and hand onto the cold tray. Hidan shivered as the chill spread up his body.
“Because you have to be intelligent and shit,” he said, wincing as a needle started to poke through his flesh. His pink eyes stared at the ceiling as he relished the painful touch, courtesy of his favourite doctor.
“You don’t have to be intelligent to become a nurse,” Kakuzu remembered writing up several nurses who preferred to be on Snapchat instead attending to the patients, including Ino. “Nurses don’t get much money anyway,” he concluded, pulling the thread so tightly that Hidan hissed through his teeth.
“But, you do to be able to study without getting into fights with other students, which is fucking hard to do ‘cause all the other stupid students are stupid fucking cunts,” His right fist moved into a ball. The amputated hand twitched as it tried to do the same thing. “Bartending is way easier than going back to school and dealing with those assholes.” He started to blab on about how people are fucking idiots because they disrespected the medical side of his religion. Kakuzu put up a hand to stop him.
“Fair enough,” he said, recalling all of the idiots who had gone through his emergency room in the past. “Now shut up so that I can work.”
They were silent while while Kakuzu sewed neat little stitches into Hidan’s wrist.
“So… will you go out with me?” Hidan asked, after what he thought was ten minutes of unresolved sexual tension. Unfortunately this sexual tension must have only been one sided because Kakuzu did not make the lovey dovey eyes at him while he observed his patient’s arm.
Very slowly, Hidan’s hand was brought back to life. His fingers twitched a bit more, and the greying hand slowly turned into a pale pink. Kakuzu’s eyes widened slightly, and Hidan couldn’t tell if he was actually interested in him or just amazed that the hand had started working again.
Damn that flu mask.
“Okay, uh… now that I can jack off again… how about that date?”
Kakuzu didn’t reply, but merely got up, took his gloves off and went back to his desk, opening up a manilla folder and Hidan’s eyes looked over to see…
“Your arm is reattached,” said Kakuzu, handing over another clipboard to a unsatisfied Hidan. “Now you can do your own paperwork.”