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A Divine Comedy

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Orochi was becoming increasingly bored as time went on. For thousands of years, he had been peering through the greater hells to view the events taking place on earth. Every single time, on certain days, he would see something that made him sick to no end. Valentine’s Day, Christmas, etc. He saw people smiling and giving each other gifts. He saw people laughing together, and love was in the air on special days. He hated it. He hated this feeling that he saw and could not comprehend. He hated every aspect of it: from the promises he heard, to the sweet nothings whispered into an ear. It made him so very angry.


And so Orochi slumped on his bone throne, and he pondered for a long time as to how he might solve this situation. He thought, and thought, and thought, until a devilish and wonderful idea occurred to him. It was so wonderfully awful that he smiled in delight. A wonderful, wretched smile.

“I know. Let this world end now; it matters not to me. I’ll send my own emissary of suffering and pain to destroy the world. He will search for the scroll of fates and burn it to the ground, and then the world will finally be destroyed. Yes, what a wonderful Idea.”

Orochi loved this idea so much, much more so since he had created it all by himself. He cackled, and laughed and laughed, filling the underworld with echoes of his hideous amusement.

From her hammock in heaven, Athena was lounging about and being lazy as ever. She was the true goddess of laziness if there ever was one. She heard cackling coming from below her, she sighed. It was Orochi up to no good again, and when he was up to no good it meant that she had less time for being lazy and doing nothing. She hated when her lazy time was being cut into. Without investigating, she knew what he was up to: he was going to attempt to destroy the world again. He never succeeded, since his plans were always so needlessly convoluted and complicated that they destroyed himself under the weight of their own machinations. She often pitied him. He was so lonely and angry all the time that he had no friends. However, she was too lazy to even be friends with him. It was just not worth the effort. She already knew of his plans, since she was the mother of all things psychic.

“That putz, I guess I’ll just send my own emissary made in my image to stop his emissary. Better yet, I’ll piss him off by using the very weapon he hates so very much. If I plan things right, my emissary of truth and justice will meet his emissary of pain and suffering, AND THEY’LL FALL IN LOVE!”

She rubbed her cheeks in excitement and squealed in joy.

“Oh, this IS PERFECT! I just finished catching up on all my dramas. Now, I’ll be able to make my very own! And unlike that drama that left me sorely disappointed, this will make for a far better show! I’ll make a light in his darkness!”

With that, she took one of the stars from the heavens and sent it crashing down to earth. It landed on earth without wreaking havoc, just as Orochi’s snake popped up from under the ground. The stage was set, and now all she had to do was to just sit back and watch the drama unfold. She already had her popcorn ready in hand.