The following story is true, and is nothing but the truth. This is the story of how Harrison Palmkweest’s imagination saved America and therefor, the entire universe.
Dear Harry was always talked down from his wild dreams, but only he knew how real they truly were. It wasn’t until his imagination literally descended from the sky that people believed him.
Two people had fallen. One was a gross fish man with gills and razor sharp rows of teeth, and the other was a girl that shot lightning out of her eyes every once in a while. It was pretty cool.
In his journal they were Alonzo and Fallon, but were dubbed Sharkboy and Lavagirl. As creative and genius as he was, Harry wasn’t very good with names.
Like a flash, he was transported to another world. It was his world, or rather what was left of it. I’m tired, so just imagine the scenery and characters designed as an incredibly underfunded early 2000s anime from this point forward.
“Harry,” Lavagirl spoke, “why the fuck would you name me Lavagirl?”
“It-it sounded cool?" Harri said.
“I don’t even control lava, come on.” Fallon sighed, “We have to stick to the situation at hand. Harri, our world’s in trouble, and we need you to save it. Only the power of your dreams can keep us from being destroyed."
“My dream journal was ruined, I don’t think I can…" Harri said.
“What do you mean you can’t? You better fix this shit hole before I—" Alonzo I mean Sharkboy said.
“Alonzo, he’s just a kid! You have to be patient with him… Maybe Harri has to dream.” Lavagirl
While they waited for Harri to dream or whatever Sharkboy and Lavagirl blew up mountains for fun.
“I sense a disturbance” Lavagirl said.
“What are you psychic too?” Sharkboy said.
Fallon rolled her eyes. It didn’t make much of a difference, because her eyes are horrifying and pupilless. A storm of hell fire swelled over the horizon. Slowly, it creeped closer over the shitty CGI mountains.
A sudden realization hit sharkboy and lavagirl. Shark boy let out a painfully French chuckle. You know the one I’m talking about.
Lava girl’s face flushed piss yellow. She turned to Harri “What— What did you do?!”
“Something right for a change— Wait actually…” he replied.
The earth tremored below them, and a vast chasm welling with magma and sulfur gas formed. From the depths of the chasm emerged a familiar face. The epitome of chaos itself.
“Corova?!” they all shouted in unison. An anime split screen probably formed for a brief moment for this ounce of surprise.
This troll, in Harri’s lore, was a sort of frenemy to shark boy and lava girl. She found pleasure in the mass annoyance of others through her siren songs.
With her seemingly endless power in her vocal chords, her voice was identical to that of Ke$ha. “Hey sluts! Specifically you two.” she gestured to Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
“You’re behind this?” Harri asked.
“Goodness, no! The shit that was conjured up a few moments is too gross for my taste. I’m just the messenger. Anyway, I suppose you know by now the dream journal is being manipulated by my creator. She was gracious enough to give you a first-hand experience in the… history of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.” Corova said.
Corova blew a glittery substance into their faces, that was likely just metal shrapnel, and everything went dark. Harri regained his sight a moment later, but he was in a completely different place. The air pumped in was cold and sterile. Upon further inspection, Harri found himself in a massive underground laboratory. He brushed the side of a machine and realized he could not interact with his environment.
Before him stood Lavagirl, currently dubbed Fallon, clad in a janitor’s apparel with mop in hand. She was, as you may have guessed, a janitor. She was hunched over, doing her custodial duties when she heard a series of loud thumps coming from the adjacent experiment chamber. Fallon peered into the glass of the chamber. From its murky waters revealed a grey body and a yellow shark’s eye.
The creature sounded like it was in pain (this was actually just what French people sound like), so Fallon, strictly against orders, opened the chamber. The creature emerged from its watery prison. To Fallon’s surprise, the creature emerged upright before her.
This was her first encounter with Alonzo, the Sharkboy. His body was oddly humanoid, and shredded lean muscle. What stood out as more fish like was his set of gills, fins, and well-endowed pair of claspers. In lamens terms, claspers are the penises of a shark. Sharks, and Alonzo, have 2 penises! Isn’t that wild?
This thing was awful. To top it all off, it was French. I don’t know how, but it was. Now, at this point, I am well aware that I have two audiences. One are the people who are absolutely repulsed and (hopefully) will continue reading, probably because they low-key hate themselves. The second set of people will find this fish man and all that ensues incredibly hot. While my intention was not for the latter, I hope you enjoy!
Alonzo swept back his gravity defying, anime-ass hair behind his horns. He realized that his rescuer stumbled back from shock and helped her up.
He looked into her eyes and spoke, “Merci, ma cherie! …. Now tell me, what is someone as beautiful as you doing in a place like this?”
Fallon blushed profusely. The only thing going through her mind was: how can I not fuck him?
Fallon swallowed hard. She thought to herself that this may not be the last time she swallows hard tonight.
She said to Alonzo, completely out of character, “I could ask you the same thing.”
Alonzo, kind of already being stupid, could at least sense the electricity in the air coming from Fallon’s friskiness. Actually, you could be a fucking flatworm and realize this, because Fallon is a psionic troll. It wasn’t long after that when they started to go at each other. Harri was absolutely horrified. It was like looking at a gruesome car wreak, but with more exposed genitalia.
Alonzo helped Fallon tear off her clothes, revealing yet another monstrous, but clasper-arousing body. They fell back into the shallow pool of a vacant chamber, but were too busy frenching each other to care. The Chordette’s ‘Mr. Sandman’ played from afar.
Alonzo, now intertwined with Fallon, bit into her collar bone. Fallon gasped for air, quite literally, because she got a mouthful of water. As her blood leaked from her body, Alonzo was more turned on than before. and a little hungry. His eyes dilated, much like Bruce from Finding Nemo, but the circumstances are a thousand times worse.
Alonzo started off as gentle as a disgusting fish monster could do. But truth be told, Fallon is a FREAK. She directed him to go harder, for she was more than ready for Alonzo.
Fallon’s electric signals fucked with Alonzo’s ampullae of Lorenzini, otherwise known as a shark’s electrically-sensitive acne. It triggered him into bringing on what he doesn’t usually do until at least the 5th date(yes, Alonzo considers this a date). Of course, I am talking about Alonzo’s secret Double Shark Penis Ju Juitsu.
Fallon’s moans turned into screams. Her psionics were so strong that she caused a power outage throughout the entire building, kind of like how that kid from Monsters Inc. screamed and destroyed the whole power grid. It should be illegal that I’ve added two Disney analogies so far, but who can stop me?. The dim emergency lights added some romantic ambience to the room.
Fallon was sweaty and grosser than before, but she wanted to please Alonzo to completion. She climbed on top of him and pinned his arms. Just as quick as Alonzo’s excitement grew, it was gone. In fact, Fallon was unsure if he was still conscious, or even alive. What Fallon did not know is that sharks, when flipped over, go into a state of tonic immobility.
She heard footsteps rushing down to the laboratory. As quickly as she could, she put some of her clothes back on and ran to the emergency exit, carrying Alonzo. Like yes, she had to get out of there but do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to sprint with your tits bouncing everywhere? I don’t care what cup size you are, that shit’s not nice.
Anyway, they were trapped or whatever by security and scientists rushing from each side. Fallon took her last exit. She threw Alonzo to shatter the window, and escaped with her prey in the dark of night like a bat out of hell.
Harri’s vision went hazy, and he was back. “What the fuuuuck.” he groaned, tempted to gouge his eyes out.
Sharkboy and Lavagirl were essentially hopeless, as Fallon was too embarrassed to move and Alonzo tried to make her feel better with a baguette for a snack. It was well intentioned but obviously did not better the situation. Harri regained himself and approached Corova, who had walked off to forage for carrion.
“Corova, take me to your maker.” he said.
Corova picked the marrow out of an animal’s skull, dousing it with honey mustard. “Gotta dream it, bitch. You know how these things go.”
Harri huffed, “Fine.”
With that, he teleported once more. He found himself in a massive, abandoned Denny’s. He had a sense that something horrible happened here. Outside prowled mysterious, disfigured atrocities and an unrelenting, champagne fog.
In the center of Denny’s sat Corova’s master, Harri’s Dream Journal abuser. A halo of shade surrounded and obscured her entire body. He strode to her and swallowed.
“I want you to return my Dream Journal to normal and return it to me.” Harri said.
“P A Y M E N T .” the demonic voice bellowed.
Harri searched his pockets, and presented a single, well-aged Cadbury Cream Egg. Corova’s master analyzed his offering. She peered into his soul with her third eye, a twisted, blood red ram’s eye centered on her forehead.
“. . . A C C E P T A B L E .” she said.
From the shadows emerged a disembodied limb. In its fingers held Harri’s Dream Journal. Before Harri could act, Her aura turned crimson.
The entire Denny’s shook as Corova’s master prepared her final spell, “Y E E T .”
Harri was pelted so hard with his Dream Journal that he transcended back into his dimension. He awoke in his room with a searing pain from his forehead
Strangely enough, he also felt a sharp pain in his lower back. Twisting around in the mirror, he realized that Corova left her mark on him in the form of a tramp stamp that read “DRAM”. He assumed it was supposed to say “Dream”.
“Harri.” Lavagirl’s voice echoed, “Your world is fine and all, but… did you happen to forget something?” she asked passive aggressively.
He ran to his Dream Journal and flipped to the Cursed Page. To his surprise, it was torn out and replaced with a coupon for Clorox Bleach. The atrocity he witnessed moments ago would forever stay canon.
He was unsure what this all meant but shrugged it off, “Whatever, I guess it was pretty funny.” Harri said.
FIN (get it?)