The Maury Show
“Ya see Maury, it's like this.” Faith pulled in a deep breath, readying herself to tell her tale. “I'm a slayer, one of many that fights the forces of darkness.” She looked over at Maury. “Ya know like vampires, demons, all kinds of wicked stuff. But.. before there were all these slayers, well there was just me and B.”
Maury nodded in understanding.
“So... me and B... we're a bit different, ya see, she died for a few seconds and was brought back, but in those few seconds another slayer was called and so on and so forth... that's how we used to get called... so now there was two.”
She looked at him, making sure he was getting the gist. “Go on.” He stated, interested.
She nodded. “Well, see we always had this... I guess you'd just have to call it chemistry or something, meaning that we could just feel each other.. and it went beyond anything normal or straight for that matter.” She looked at the audience. “I mean even now that we're not alone anymore... the only one I still feel is B, and vice versa. It's just how it is.... I'm thinking it's cause originally, there was only supposed to be one... so we're just one slayer split between the two of us, like cosmically connected.”
She took a drink of water, continuing. “So, our friend, Red, who's a witch, did a humongous spell and activated all the slayers the world over, so we could fight against and win in this enormous battle, which well we won otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here today.”
“Anyway.” She collected her thoughts. “Anyway, so, we had the.. I guess you could call it unresolved sexual tension, and no way it was going away, it was only getting stronger and meaner.”
“Didn't matter how many years went by or who we were with, if we were together our asses were getting zapped and pulled to pieces.”
Maury leaned forward. “Did she ever admit to anything?”
Faith looked up at Maury. “Huh..” She laughed. “Hell no, she started denying everything groinal, but I'll tell ya, when we were doing it, she was all up for it. And there wasn't anything straight about it at all. I'm telling you, it was good, it was hot and she was giving just as good as she got.”
“And that's what brings me here today.” She looked at the audience again. “See, about 16 weeks after our night together, and I do mean all night, slayer constitution ya know.... well I went to the doctor, I'd been feeling a bit... sensitive, and I'd missed a few periods.”
She breathed in and let out a haggard breath. “The doc done some tests and came back and told me I was pregnant. Then done some calculations and told me I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was like 12 weeks.... I wasn't even with anyone 12 weeks ago... and in fact the only person I'd been with in like the last 7 months had been B.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “So the doc said, no, add 4 weeks before that cause it takes 4 weeks for the genes to form and make a baby. So the deed had to be done like 16 weeks earlier.” She sucked in a breath. “And that's when B and me were rolling in the sheets!” She shook her head and sighed.
“And I'm taking it B didn't respond well to the news?” Maury asked.
“Wouldn't be here if she had of.” Faith stated.
“Can you explain why you're wanting to have 2 people tested then Faith?” Maury asked, trying to get Faith to open up some more.
She nodded. “Yeah, it's like this. Me and B did the deed, but it's not like we've got the equipment needed to make kids, so I got to thinking what the hell could've happened to cause such a strange but wonderful side affect.... so the only thing I could come up with was that Red must've did some kind of spell and viola, me and B become the first ever female/female parents.”
She pulled in a breath. “I was a bit upset, I mean not only was B denying that the babies were hers, she was denying ever having been with me. And of course Red is denying it as well, but here's the rub... Red is a redhead and all my babies have some form of red hair; dark auburn, strawberry blonde and then just a regular ginger like red.” She scoffed. “So we've not been talking much, any of us, course I might've mentioned that if she's the cause I got knocked up, well there might just be an ass whooping coming. It's the principle of the thing, ya know.”
Maury nodded, agreeing. “They fought against taking the test didn't they?” He asked.
“Oh yeah.” She nodded. “They didn't and don't want to be a part of this at all. I had to get my buddy, Angel, who runs W & H Law firm to subpoena them just so they'd have to show up and take the test.”
“And you took a lie detector test?” Maury asked.
“I sure did.” She answered. “I was tired of being called a liar and a slut.”
He lifted an envelope. “I have your test results.” He opened the envelope. “Faith, when asked if B, the other half of your slayer, was the only one you've had sex with in the last year, you answered yes.” He read the results. “The results say you answered truthfully.”
She nodded and shrugged. “Told ya. I didn't just wake up pregnant on my own.”
Maury continued. “We contacted Wolfram and Hart, and they made the two allegedly responsible report here today for the test results.” She looked up at that.
“Audience would you please welcome to the stage, B and Red.” The audience started booing and yelling insults.
B and Red shuffled out onto the stage like little old women and sat in a couple of chairs, glaring at Faith. “You didn't have to do this F.” Buffy spat out.
Faith looked at the audience and shook her head. The audience started chanting. “Dead beat... Dead beat.”
Maury got everyone to quieten down. He went over and got a couple of envelopes and sat back down. “Okay, we're going to finally get to the bottom of things.” He looked at one of the envelopes and opened it. “Buffy...” He read the printout. “In the case of the triplets, Jo, Tara and Cora.... you are the father, I mean mother!”
Buffy's mouth hung open. Willow smiled relieved. “Congratulations Papa.” She smiled.
“We're not done yet.” Maury added, opening the next envelope. He read the paperwork and sighed. He looked up at Willow who gulped. “In the case of the three babies... there is a reason they all have red hair...”
Everyone turned to look at the redhead. Maury continued. “You are 94.7776 percent the pappy... they are here because of you.”
The audience sucked in a breath.
Buffy sucked in a breath.
Faith sucked in a breath. “I knew it!” She turned to look at Red and saw her backside as she ran off the stage and through the doors. “Still gonna kick your ass Red!” Faith called out after her.
Maury walked over and shook Buffy's hand. “I'm sure you'll do the right thing by your children?” He asked. She nodded and glanced over at Faith. Faith batted her eye lashes and turned to shake Maury's hand. He handed her the test results. “Here, you can use these when you turn them in for child support.”
“Child support?” Buffy asked.
Faith shrugged. “Yeah... cause you is the pappy!”
Buffy acknowledged it finally. “Fine... fine... I'm the...pappy... but you're gonna have to get in line to kick Will's ass though.”
Faith laughed. “Nah, you're third in line... Me, Kennedy then you.”
“Ken?” Buffy asked, confused.
Faith nodded. “Yep, her rabbit died as well.”
Buffy sighed. “Just what we need... more red headed rabbits.... we should probably warn the girls.”
“Yep.” Faith rasped out. “I can see the memo now.”
“Wicked Red and her loaded wand.”