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Singing in the Courtroom

Chapter Text

"Make A (Free) Man out Of You"
(Sung to the tune of "Make A Man Out Of You"
from Disney's Mulan soundtrack)

 

Let's get down defending
To defeat the charge
Don't you fret dear client, the trial's just begun
Things may seem so hopeless now,
But you can bet before we're through
Defendant, I'll make a free man…out of you


The testimony's bogus
These charges are paper thin
Once I break that witness
We are sure to win
Payne's a spineless, wimp, pathetic snot
And he's never had a clue
I swear I'll make a free man out of you


I'll never stop pursuing the truth
Say goodbye to these lies against you
Just ignore that pompous tool, and his smarmy grin
I'll fight until my dying breath
Hope Udgey doesn't see right through me
Good thing I can stall and bluff on a whim!


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!


Sweat drips down my brow now, till verdict arrives
Heed late mentor's orders and I might survive
You're unsuited for those prison stripes
So chin up, smile on, we're through
Cuz you believed, I'd make a free man out of you


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!

Chapter Text

"Prosécutemon"
(Sung to the tune of "Pokémon – Gotta Cath 'Em All!")

I want to be,
The most perfect,
Like no one ever was.
Finding evidence is my test,
To convict them is my cause.


I will travel across the nations,
Prosecuting far and wide.
Each defendant, to crush and break,
Dashing all their hopes and dreams.


Von Karma, Gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Perfect…


Every defense attorney that foolishly gets in the way,
I'll put them right in their place.
I will prosecute every day,
And laugh in my foolish enemy's face.


Don't follow me, your input's worthless.
I'm a team of one.
With my perfection, the defendant will confess,
To the crime that they've done.


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!


Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Perfect!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Von Karma!

Chapter Text

No One Objects Like Edgeworth!
(Sung by Miles Gasworth and Detective Dickfou)
Parody of "Gaston" from Disney's Beauty & The Beast)

Edgeworth:

Who does Wright think he is?

That rookie attorney has tangled with the wrong man!

No mere greenhorn defense could have defeated Miles Edgeworth!


Gumshoe:

Huh! Darn right, sir!


Edgeworth:

Case dismissed! Not Guilty!

Publicly degraded! Why, it's more than I can bear!


Gumshoe:

More tea?


Edgeworth:

What for? Perfect conviction record vanquished! I am dishonored! Manfred will never forgive me!


Gumshoe:

Who, you? Never! Mr. Edgeworth, sir, you've got to turn that frown upside down!


Gumshoe:

Sir it bums me out to see you like this

Sitting hunched over and slumped

Ev'ry guy here'd love to be like you sir

Even when down in the dumps

There's no man in court as esteemed as you

You're an Ace Prosecutor type guy

Ev'ryone strives to be just like you sir

Lemme show you the evidence why…


Gumshoe:

*sings*

No one's smart as Edgeworth

No one's posh as Edgeworth

No one's wallet's incredibly thick as Edgeworth's

For there's no man in town half as wealthy

Perfect, a pure prodigy!

You can ask any Payne, Dick or Larry

And they'll tell you on whose side that they wanna be


Gumshoe and Chorus:

No one's keen like Edgeworth

A chess king like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

No one's got a cold, steely-eyed glare like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

To all criminals I am intimidating!


Gumshoe and Chorus:

My what a champ, that Edgeworth!

Give five "HOLD-IT's!"

Give twelve "TAKE THAT's!"


Gumshoe:

Edgeworth is most cool

And the rest are all fools


Chorus:

No one objects like Edgeworth

Convicts crooks like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

In a courtroom battle nobody points like Edgeworth!


Fangirls: (Wendy Oldbag/Rhoda Teneiro/Ema Skye) *fan themselves*

For there's no man who slams their bench harder


Edgeworth *points to his biceps under his suit jacket*

I've got gym muscles hidden right here!


Gumshoe:

Not a bit of him's flabby or spindly


Edgeworth: Indeed!

*tosses his head so his long bangs fly up and then fall back into immaculate place*

And I always have perfect, coiffed hair…


Chorus:

No one's style's like Edgeworth's

Dresses sharp like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

In the man's fashion world nobody shines like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

I'm especially good at accessorizing!

*whips out a pair of matching cufflinks to go with his ensemble*

Eureka!


Chorus:

No penalties for Edgeworth!


Edgeworth:

When I was a lad I read four dozen books

Ev'ry evening to help me grow smart

And now that I'm grown I've a genius IQ

Turned prosecution right into an art!


Chorus:

No other beaut like Edgeworth

Struts in suits like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

Inspires frothing desire in the femmes like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

I use logic in all my investigating!


Chorus:

We are ALL GUILTY of loving Edgeworth!

Chapter Text

"Brace Yourselves"
(Sung by Prison Lead Bitchtoff Gavin to the tune of "Be Prepared" from
Disney's The Lion King)*

 

 

[In the prison recreation area, Kristoph is pacing back and forth in front of Roger Retinz, Furio Tigre, and Redd White before proceeding to sing.]

It may seem like we've been defeated in society's eyes,
Our endeavors unraveling at the seams.
But if my plan can receive acceptance with no compromise,
We may yet accomplish our hopes and dreams.


I know you're all selfish and vain,
Like Narcissus at the spring's bank.
But please, to help keep me sane,
Hear my words and don't let me feel manqué.


It's clear from your grating sneers,
That you couldn't care in the slightest,
But this is revenge for the wrongs of former years,
Against a man who thinks that he's highest!


So brace yourselves for the time of your lives.
Brace yourselves for when we are through.
A wondrous age,
As we quell our rage.


[ "And where exactly do we come in?"  Retinz asks with a look of disdain.]

["Just listen to the kingpin!"  Kristoph sings, pushing up his glasses to hide his irritation on his face.]


This may be debauched,
But our hopes won't be squashed,
When I finally get my dues,
And my enemy is put in his place!
Brace yourselves!


["I'll brace myself! I'll brace myself good! …What am I bracin' for?" Tigre asks, his sneer turning into a look of bewilderment as he cocks his head in confusion.][

"For the death of the dastardly man who put us here: Phoenix Wright!" Kristoph hisses through clenched teeth with crossed arms and a piercing glare.]

["Why? Is he diseasick?" Redd smirks, prompting the blond mastermind to growl in discontent.]

["No, you pink-haired butcher of the English language, we're going to murder him, as well his daughter and protégé, and show the world how he so wrongly tarnished my reputation!"]

["Now you're speaking my language!"Retinz excitedly chimes in, flashing his signature 'hang loose, baby!' gesture. "Death to that Gramarye brat! Death to that whole ragtag agency! I can't wait until they're all consumed by my flames!" The former magician cackles, a ball of fire forming in his palm as he extends his arm out.]

["You short-sighted man…" Kristoph sneers with a shake of his head. "We're not going to put Wright's agency out of business."]

["Umm… But didn't youse say-" Tigre tries to ask, only to be quickly interrupted.]

["I will take the Anything Agency for myself, and use its 'good' name to rebuild my career anew! Help me achieve this goal, and you'll be able to do all of the twisted, illegal acts you desire with no legal repercussions whatsoever!" Kristoph loudly proclaims with a raised fist.]

["Long live the plan!" The three others bellow at the top of their lungs in unison before they start singing themselves, along with several other prisoners who became intrigued after hearing the discussion.]


We love that we'll soon have an attorney,
Who appreciates our goals and means.

[Kristoph chuckles slightly under his breath before resuming his singing, with the other prisoners serving as his chorus.]


But as you can imagine, my friends,
You're expected to follow my orders to the letter.
Our futures are filled with opportunity,
And while I'm a very patient man,
I must really emphasize:
YOU WON'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BETRAY ME!


So brace yourselves for my rise to power! (Oooh!)
Brace yourselves to snuff out Wright's foolish ideals. (Oooh… Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Careful scheming, (We'll be rich!)
My logic teeming, (This city's ours!)
My temperament always cool, (Vices we vow!)
Is why you'll, (They'll all bow!)
Know me with no peer,
An illustrious career,
And seen for the legal genius I am!
Yes, my hatred and determination are my helves,
Brace yourselves!


[The other prisoners sing in unison with the former defense attorney.]

Yes, our hatred and determination are our helves,
Brace yourselves!

[As the song comes to an end, Kristoph's deranged, chilling laughter fills the area.]

Chapter Text

"He's a Schlampe"
(Sung by Ema Skye regarding a certain bling-loving,
German-speaking/Europhile
to the tune of "He's a Tramp"
from Disney's Lady and The Tramp)

 

What a fop
What a fop


 

He's a Schlampe, groupies love him
Beds new fangirls every day
He's a Schlampe, they adore him
Thongs drop when he looks their way


 

He's a Schlampe, he's a Mann Hure
He's a rock star, he's a rake
He's a Schlampe, and he knows it
That's why I loathe him, make no mistake


 

Laughs out loud when I blow my top
He makes my blood pressure double
Guess he's just a good-natured fop
Oh dear, I think I'm in trouble


 

He's a Schlampe, easy lover
But he's got charm, I must say
Yes he's a Schlampe, but a nice guy
And I wish that he would look twice my way
Wish that he would look twice my way
Wish that he would look twice my way

 

Chapter Text

"Putrid Hellfire"
( Sung by Prosecutor Flutter to the tune of "Hellfire"
from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

[The afternoon after Trucy is acquitted for the murder of Manov Mistree, Nahyuta is pacing around his temporary office, thinking of how this case could have gone so wrong for him. When suddenly, thoughts of Detective Ema Skye enter the monk's mind, compelling him to burst into song.]

Holy Mother,
You know I try my very best,
To maintain order and piety in the name of Your holy land.


Holy Mother,
You've seen my talents do Your work,
To push the putrid, sinful rebels towards disband.


Then explain to me, Holy Mother,
Why I see her investigating there,
Her teal eyes boring into my most holy soul?


I hear her, I see her,
Her dainty hand gripping Snackoos,
Makes me wish that she was holding mine instead!


Like fire,
Putrid hellfire,
This moral filth under my skin!
This putrid,
Desire,
Is leading me down a path of sin!


[A multitude of ghostly men wearing emerald-colored robes that shroud their faces in darkness surround Nahyuta and serve as the chorus.]

I did no wrong!
(Commodo conclusi.)

I do right always!
(Commodo abire.)

It's the detective girl,
with her putrid scientific ways!
(Cur non hoc culus omittamus?)

I do right always!
(Nemo amat vos.)

But why is it,
(Tu pessima accusator semper.)

Where I have putrid desires,
That make me a hypocrite?
(Etiam habemus fines!)

[The robed men vanish in a burst of flames.]


Save me, Holy Mother!
Please don't let her evil science win,
Don't let her poison my soul like a blight!
Destroy Detective Skye,
And make her suffer for that putrid sin,
Or have her be mine so she can see Your holy light!


[Suddenly, Nahyuta's song is interrupted by a knock at his door.]

["Come in." The monk calmly responds, prompting Ema to open the door and enter the room. "Ah, Detective Skye. To what do I owe this pleasure?"]

["I'm just here to remind you that our flight to Khura'in leaves in two hours. And if you're forcing me to come with you, the least you can do is focus less on songs that I can't really hear through these thick walls and more on getting your stuff ready so we don't miss our flight." The forensic investigator irritably states with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.]

["Don't worry, Detective Skye. The Holy Mother will ensure that we are on time. Just please give me a minute so I can finish what I was doing." Nahyuta warmly requests.]

["*Sigh…* Fine. But only a minute! Any more and I'll be pelting you with Snackoos until you ARE ready!" Ema growls as she pulls out a bag of her favorite snacks and starts devouring the chocolaty treats inside.]

["Thank you. Oh, and Detective Skye, please close the door on your way out."]

[As soon as the door closes, Nahyuta resumes singing as if nothing happened.]


Putrid hellfire,
Sinful acts,
Now Detective, it's your choice:
Join me or,
Face the axe.
Be damned or love me and rejoice!


Holy Mother have mercy on me…
Holy Mother Have mercy on Detective Skye…
But she shall choose me,
Or she shall diiiiieeeeeee!

Chapter Text

 

"Let It Blow"
( Belted out to the tune of "Let It Go"
from Disney's  Frozen)

 

The qualms haunt me in my bed at night
Like tormentors, ever mean
Taunting that I'm defective
Barely heard or ever seen
My anger's toiling like a slowly churning tide
Won't be knocked down, I've still got my prideeee


Can't turn back now, can't run or flee
Be the best lawyer I could ever be
Conceal these doubts, don't let them showwww
Well here I goooo!


Let it blow, let it blow
Can't keep quiet anymore
Let it blow, let it blow
Chords of Steel since AA 4!
I don't care if they whinge or stray!
Courtroom battle's on
This booming shout of mine remains here to stay


Compared to those around me
My Horn Head self seems small
Yet my quest in seeking justness
Has me standing proud and tall!


It's time to prove what I can do
Pushing boundaries in proving the truth
Here comes Justice for all to seeeee
This is meeeee!


Let it blow, let it blow
I'm one loudmouthed little guy
Let it blow, let it blow
I'll fight until I die
HOLD IT'S fly as I pound these fists
Courtroom battle's on!


My perceive powers are unlike any arounddddd
My cross-examination drives this case right to the groundddd!
Lies materializing show testimonies not steadfastttt
I'm gonna win this trial, just like the others pastttt!


Let it blow, let it blow
Can't ignore the roar of this voice
Let it blow, let it blow
There was no other choice
Objections fly while I defend awayyyyyyy
Courtroom battle's onnnnnnnn
This booming shout of mine remains here to stay

Chapter Text

"From the Shadows of Night"
Sung to the tune of "In the Dark of the Night" from Disney's Anastasia

 

In the middle of the night, my sleep was most restless,
Made worse by the dream that kept haunting me,
It almost made my mind break!
A president uncovered as a fake!


I was once a loyal body double to Huang,
(Oooh, ah oooh.)
But my hard work was rewarded with only a pang!
(Oooh, ah oooh.)
My wrath made him dearly pay,
But one little orphan boy got away!


(From the shadows of night, the President will find him!)
(From the shadows of night, the President will make sure he's gone!)
No one will oppose me,
My rule will be so carefree!
(From the shadows of night!)
No one will hear his screams!


My people are becoming displeased more each day,
So I must not give them more reason to fight back!
But when my plans fall into place,
Those fears will be instantly erased!


(From the shadows of night, The President will mute him!)
I will be his executioner!
(From the shadows of night, his future looks sooo grim!)
Soon he will scream,
As I destroy his self-esteem!
(From the shadows of night!)


(From the shadows of night, The President will bludgeon him!)
(From the shadows of night, his worst fears will come alive!)
Foolish boy, you will cry,
As I gloat and cheer "Banzai!"
(From the shadows of night!)


Come, my cohorts,
Work for your boss,
Help the baddest guy!
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of-)
Find him for me,
And know what I imply!
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of night!)
Simon Keyes will die!

Chapter Text

"Gern Geschehen"
Sung to the tune of "You're Welcome" from Disney's Moana
by a smug Franziska to Miles
after his "defense attorney" trial against her in T &T


 

Franziska: So what I believe you were trying to say, Miles Edgeworth, is Danke.

Miles: Danke?

Franziska: Gern Geschehen. In case you've forgotten all your German… that means… you're welcomeKleiner Bruder.

Miles: Ngh! No! No! No! I didn't… I wasn't…why would I ever…

Franziska: *smirks and waggles her forefinger at the flummoxed prosecutor*


Alright! Alright! *snickers* I know what's occurring here
You're dealing with perfection and you're awed
You don't even know what to say
How typical!
To be silent when you really should applaud!


Come read meine lips, now it begins
Ja, it's truly me, it's Franny: take it in!


I know I'm perfect, can't claim I'm not
And matching brains come with this bod!


There's nothing to state besides Gern Geschehen
For covering up your damn hide!
es ist in Ordnung , I say
Gern Geschehen!
Without my help today you would've fried!


 Ha!
As kids who'd soothe your cries and shakes
From night terrors and earthquakes!
Diese Frau!


 When Canuck got bold, who lied:
"Your Honor, I've never seen that guy!"
Why, your Big Sister, nein?


  Oh! Achtung! I perjured for you
Gern Geschehen
To stretch the trial and find the truth!


Mein Gott! I helped Phoenix Wright!
Gern Geschehen
A man I loathe with all my might!


 There's nothing to state besides Gern Geschehen
Best große Schwester that you'll ever see!
There's no need to whine, it's quite fine
Gern Geschehen!
Hmph! I suppose you would do the same for me!
Gern Geschehen!
Gern Geschehen!


 Well, there's no need to deny it
Miles, shamelessly I could go on and on
About perfect Von Karma ways all in one little song
It'll make your heart go pound
Have you get flustered when I come around!


I threw this case,
And let you defend
Now you'll owe me, right up to the end!


 What have we learned?
From that court trial today?
own you now, don't even try for a breakaway!


 Easily could've turned this into a win,
But it's more fun getting under your skin!
Bow to me fool
I make wonders take place!
This wild mare's waving her whip in your face!
Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Crack!


 So Little Brother, I say Gern Geschehen
(Gern Geschehen)
For my benevolence, not my disdain!
Ja, es ist in Ordnung, es ist in Ordnung
Gern Geschehen

Well, I've sung it, so Auf Wiedersehen!


 It was your lucky day, Gern Geschehen
Thanks for listening to my showboat
Now back to Interpol
Gern Geschehen
Believe you me, I'll never cease to gloat!
Gern Geschehen
Gern Geschehen
*curtsies*
und danke dir!

 

 

Chapter Text

"Blaise Debeste's Song"
(Sung to the tune of "Oogie Boogie's Song"
from Disney's The Nightmare Before Christmas)

[Edgeworth is defeated. He tried his best and put everything he had on the line, but he wasn't able to prove Kay's innocence.]

[Now, after seeing his young assistant hauled off to the detention center to await her trial, Edgeworth stands alone in the dark P.I.C. boardroom. But suddenly, a bright light breaks the darkness as Blaise Debeste thrusts open the door before sauntering into the room.]


{Blaise}
Well, well, well,
What do we have here?
Mr. Edgeworth, eh?
Oh, so scary! So scary!
So you're the little prosecutor who keeps getting in my way?
Ha ha ha!


Y'know, this is funny, real funny,
This has gotta be a lie!
My lackeys,
Were bested,
By this snooty, smarmy guy?
He's rigid,
His coat's pink,
He's so very unversed!
I might just burst out laughing,
If I don't start crying first!


When I think that you're,
A little obstacle to my plan,
You'd better start running,
'Cause I'm the P.I.C. Chairman.
Y'know, you're a real moron,
Whose ideals are foolish and wrong.
But y'see, that won't matter for long,
'Cause you'll disappear after this song.

Ohhh! (Ohhh!)
Ohhh! (Ohhh!)
Ohhh! (Ohhh!)

I'm the P.I.C. Chairman!


{Edgeworth}
You're a monster, Debeste,
With a heart as black and dark as night.
A soulless, sinister devil,
Who probably burns in the sunlight.


{Blaise}
So angry,
So naïve,
He actually thinks I freakin' care!
Why don't you shut up,
Before I drown you with my tears.
Y'see, you've squirmed,
You tried,
But I saw right through your bluff.
So now that your hopes have been shattered,
I'm gonna do my P.I.C. stuff.


Oooh, the thrill of the kill,
There's nothing that can match,
'Cause I'm the sadistic Chairman,
Who likes to bite and scratch.


I always get a happy feeling,
When I'm ruining a life.
Yours, my stupid son's,
And previously my late wife's.


{Edgeworth}
You won't get away with this, Debeste,
For one day you'll be under arrest!


{Blaise}
Y'know,
I laugh,
'Cause that you'll never see!
They'll put on your epitaph,
How you kept on defying me.


You're defeated,
You're done,
You should be filled with fear,
Because I'm Blaise Debeste,
And you're gonna disappear.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Chapter Text

"Beauty And The Geek"
(Sung to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast"
from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)


Always fighting crime
She's LAPD
He's a blingy fop
Makes her blow her top
Uncontrollably


Ever butting heads
Tempers are released
Hiding the true deal
What they really feel
Beauty and the geek


Yielding would be shame
So she never tries
Slurs him to the core
Dubs him a Mann Hure
Till the day he dies!


Always fighting crime
Learn to get along
Friendship within range
Shy smiles are exchanged
Feelings growing strong


Opposites attract
True love is unleashed
Always fighting crime
Each and every time
Beauty and the Geek


 Always fighting crime
Each and every time
Beauty and the Geek

Chapter Text

 

 

Disbar Mr. Edgeworth
(Sung to the tune of "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" from
The Nightmare Before Christmas)

 

 

  

{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth…


{Sebastian}
Leave it to Debeste,
I'll do it with mirth.


{Justine}
Your father wants us to collaborate.


{Sebastian}
I'm first-rate,
You'll think it's great.


{Justine and Sebastian}
It's no debate!
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Take away his badge!
Kick him to the curb,
And force him to cadge!


{Justine}
First, we'll forge some evidence prime,
And leave at the scene of the crime.
And when he jumps to use it now,
We don't hesitate and bust him big time.


{Sebastian}
No, I've got Debeste plan,
To get rid of this pink sissy man.
Let's cut up his frilly napkin-thing,
And he'll cry and run away.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Clean out his office.
Slander all records of him,
And call him a doughface.


{Justine}
Then Chairman Debeste will be able to,
Rule this city with his legal view.


{Justine and Sebastian}
He'll be so proud, we do believe,
That a good reward we'll receive.


{Sebastian}
I think we should get a big rock,
Hang it above his door and then,
Knock a lot until he answers,
And turn Mr. Edgeworth into a pancake.


{Justine}
Don't be so rash, please think.
If we kill him with a big rock,
We could leave an evidence trail,
And be sent straight to jail.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Shame him on the stand!
Have his closest friends watch,
Him get his hide tanned!

Because Blaise Debeste can make you disappear without a thought.
If we upset him right now,
We'd be scared of his onslaught!


{Sebastian}
Pops'll be so happy with my deeds,
He won't make me sleep in the yard with the weeds.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Perhaps he'll throw a grand party,
And give us cheers so hearty.

We're his loyal representatives,
Doing every task sublime.
We dare not go against him,
Lest we disappear in the nighttime.


{Justine}
Why must this boy be so dim?


{Sebastian}
I'm not dim!
You're, uh… slim!


["Sebastian, please be quiet." Justine calmly tells her young associate, putting a finger to her mouth to shush the adolescent prosecutor.]

["No!" Sebastian pouts. "I'm the best, so everything I say is important!"]

["Goddess of Law, give me strength…" Justine sighs as she puts a hand to her forehead and slowly shakes her lowered head.]


{Justine}
I've got another plan, so listen,
One that is quite good, indeed.
We'll put some child pornography in a box,
Wrapped in tinsel and a bow.
We'll leave it at his office and hide,
Until driven by logic,
Edgeworth looks inside,
And we'll have his badge in no time!


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Rake him across the coals!
Show him no mercy,
As we move towards our goals!


Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Point out all his flaws!
Verbally lash the man,
Without a single pause!


Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Make him disappear!
Take him out of the picture,
And we'll surely cheeeeeer!

Chapter Text

 

"Smooch the Pearl"
(Sung to the tune of "Kiss The Girl" from 

Disney's The Little Mermaid)

 

Sitting with her
Blushingly pretty Pearl Fey
You only met her today
What is it about her
And you feel so shy
But you can't even lie
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Look, you like her
Gaze at her, you know it's true
It's obvious she likes you too
There is one way to be sure
Nothing to be heard
Not even a word
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Bark with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Boy, oh boy
Oh lad don't be so shy
Go on and smooch the Pearl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Take the chance
Start this sweet romance
So go and smooch the Pearl


 

Seize your moment
Grab this chance, don't be a loon
Chap, you better make it soon
She's yours if you let her
Don't be a nerd
There's no need for words
Until you smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Hearts be bared
Just get those lips prepared
Go on and smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
You know how
Don't you go back now
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Stroll along
Lad you can't go wrong
I tell you to, smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Stanza stays
Magic if Luke obeys
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

You've got to smooch the Pearl
Why don't you smooch the Pearl
You gotta smooch the Pearl
Go on and smooch the Pearl

*scene fades as Luke Triton finally grows a pair of apprentice bollocks
and finally manages to kiss the girl*

 

Chapter Text

 

 "Auntie Knows Best"
(Sung to the tune of "Mother Knows Best"
from Disney's
Tangled )

 

 

[It was finally time for Mia Fey to fulfill her destiny- her bags were packed, she was wearing her new blazer, she had been accepted to the law school of her dreams, and the bus leading to the train station had just arrived.]

[However, before Mia could board the bus, she was stopped by the calm, refined voice of her aunt.]

["Mystic Mia, where are you going?" Morgan asked with a look of concern as she sipped some tea from her cup.]

["I told you, Aunt Morgan, I'm going off to Law School to begin my studies to become a defense attorney and avenge my mother."]

["You wish to leave Kurain?" The crone asked with a refined laugh. "Why, Mystic Mia…"]


You are our future, the jewel in our crown,
The next Master, a woman they'll flag down.
Do you know why we stay up in this little town?


["Not this again, Aunt Morgan." Mia groaned with a roll of her eyes, knowing what would come next after years of lectures.]


That's right, to keep our sacred traditions alive, Mystic Mia.
With what the press did to us, I knew this day would come,
That you'd want to go on some retribution quest.
Now don't be a diva


["But-" Mia tried to argue, but to no avail.]


Trust me, Mystic Mia,
Your aunt knows best.


Your aunt knows best,
Listen to your aunt,
Don't stare at me with that scowl.
Your aunt knows best,
And in one way or another,
You'll surely meet your end, I vow


Gangsters, guns, open manholes, dropped pianos
Maniacs and arsonists,
Drunk drivers.


["Are you being serious?" Mia asked with an unamused look.]

["Have you seen the news? The world outside this village is fraught with danger and psychopaths."]

["Yes, but-"]


Don't forget large rats, falling debris, and -
Stop, please, for this is upsetting me.


Your aunt's right here,
Your aunt shall guide you,
And here's what I suggest.
Don't be so angsty,
Remain in Kurain with me,
For your aunt knows best.


["Go ahead, get mugged and stabbed in a dark alley!" Morgan snapped with a wave of her hand.
"Go ahead, become a lawyer and defend some lunatic who will kill you in your sleep!
What do I know? I'm just your aunt, your mother's beloved sister and
the woman whose only crime is making lovely green tea so bitter that
you lose your tongue and jaw-droppingly large strawberry desserts.
So go ahead and leave me, just as my husband did,
and let me die a lonely, broken woman."]

The psychotic crone sighed with a forlorn expression.

"But when it's too late, you'll realize, mark my words, that your aunt knows best."]


Your aunt knows best,
Listen to your auntie,
Outside here, you won't last a day.
Blunt, immature,
Unrefined, loosey-goosey,
And Kurain will surely wither away!
Naïve, idealistic,
Absurdly choosey,
Headstrong and a bit… unorganized.
Plus, I see,
You dressing like a floozy.


[Upon hearing that last comment, Mia didn't hesitate to hold her blazer shut, thereby covering up her noticeable bust.]


I'm only saying this because we're related.

Your aunt is quite wise,
Your aunt is here to guide you,
Though I do have one request.


["Mystic Mia, never leave this village." Morgan coldly states with a glare, her pupils completely disappearing.]

["No." Mia bluntly replies with crossed arms, grabbing her bags before boarding the bus.]

[As the bus drives away from the little village, a grin forms across Morgan's face.]

["Fine, Mystic Mia. But when something happens, don't say that I didn't warn you." The crone smirks, taking a sip of bitter tea from the cup in her hand.]


[As much as Morgan wished to attend her niece's funeral to revel in the rebellious girl's death, she couldn't on account of training exercises that she was directing that day. Just because Mia refused to listen to her wise words all those years ago didn't mean that the other mediums' training- especially that of her precious Pearl - had to suffer.]

[But on one off day, Morgan made it a point to make a trip to the city so that she could visit Mia's grave- a plot perched on top of a small hill with a headstone that read the following:]

 

HERE LIES MIA FEY
MARCH 20, 1989 – SEPTEMBER 5, 2016
"A lawyer is someone who smiles no matter how bad it gets."

 

[Upon reading that quote, the crone couldn't help but laugh and shake her head.]


I don't know how you could be so flaunty,
Boasting as if you have the moral high ground.
You shouldn't have been a vigilante,
And just listened to auntie.


Mystic Mia knows best,
Mystic Mia's so wise,
You feel you're so profound.
Mystic Mia knows best,
Well, if you're so wise,
Then why are you in the ground?


Your pride is why you're here,
I knew this would happen,
Though, Mystic Mia, dear,
I am not so upset,
Because I now have Mystic Pearl.


And now in the cold grave you rest,
Leaving Mystic Maya behind,
Who will be gone soon, I attest.
Your sister's a disaster,
And Mystic Pearl shall be the next Master,
For your aunt knows best.

Chapter Text

 

"Dahlia Hawthorne"
(Sung to the of "Cruella De Vil" from Disney's  101 Dalmatians )

 

["Nnnghhhooooh!"]

*From the skies in the heavens, a loud piercing shriek can be heard coming all the way from the fiery pits of Abaddon, below*

[Must be another sullied soul, being cast down to Lucifer," Misty Fey smirks]

["That's not just ANY Bête Noire, Mom!" Mia Fey smirks triumphantly.  "It's someone we ALL know far too well!"]

*The legal legend snaps her fingers gleefully as she cries out the hated name*

["Dahlia Hawthorne!"]

*Mia breaks into song*


Dahlia Hawthorne
Dahlia Hawthorne
Most evil murderess
That's ever been born!
A bloodthirsty wench
Of hateful scorn
Dahlia, Dahlia


She's a Black Widow
Coming for the kill
Beware of Dahlia Hawthorne


["Hahahahaha!" The other three spectral forms all crack up simultaneously as the busty beauty continues to sing even while snickering]


Some folks believe
This demon spawn's the devil
Within due time you'll see
That you were right
You come to recognize
Those deep, dark, soulless eyes
Belong to a Satanic…
Succubus!


[" Bang to rights!" Doug Swallows guffaws loudly]


This femme fatale fiend
This black-hearted witch
Deserved to be hung
Cuz karma's a bitch!
Let's all rejoice
To hell that skank's been flung
Dahlia, Dahlia Hawthorne!


["Oh Mia!" Valerie Hawthorne sniggers, wiping her streaming eyes. "You are the best!"]


*All four collapse into gales of ghostly laughter*

Chapter Text

 


"You've Got a Coworker in Me"
(Sung to the tune of "You've Got a Friend in Me"
from Disney's
Toy Story)

 

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

When finding evidence,

Gets tough,

And the prosecutor calls you,

Out on your bluff,

You just remember what Athena says:

Apollo, you've got a coworker in me.

Yep, you've got a coworker in me.


You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got baggage, and I do, too,

I'm always there to listen to you.

We always work together and find what's true,

'Cause you've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.


All the other girls may,

Mock and insult you all day,

And say how you'll die alone,

per se,

But that's definitely not true,

'Cause I care about you.

It's me and you, Apollo.


And as our investigations surely show,

Our friendship will only continue to grow.

I can tell our future's so bright.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me. 


["I don't care how many time you sing that song, Athena. I'm not clearing the toilet for you." Apollo says with a disgruntled look and crossed arms.]

["But it's really smelly and gross!" The yellow-cladded woman wails, her head tilted back and her clenched fists held up as she tries to fight back the tears forming in her eyes.]

["I know. I had to clean it last week, as well as every other week before you came." Apollo wryly retorts. "So it's only fair that you do it today."]

["Fine! But next time Junie wants to hear about you, I'm telling her what Trucy told me about Valentine's Day last year! How she walked in here and found you on the ground crying and hugging Charley because no girl would go out on a date with you!"]

["You wouldn't…!" Apollo growls.]

["Oh, but I would…" Athena says with a sinister sneer. "And last month when I visited Aura at the detention center, she told me an even better story about a specific time you went to the space center when you were in high school. It was a Friday evening, you had no date, so you decided to corner Ponco and proceeded to -"]

["Hold it!"]

Chapter Text

 

"Wright Agency"
(Sung to the tune of "Under The Sea" from
Disney's
The Little Mermaid)


Trucy: "Polly, listen to me, mon. The court system… it's a mess… Naah mean?

Apollo: "Hold it! What's with the Jamaican lingo and accent?!"

Trucy: Working here, for a renowned agency… wouldn't that be more irie than going it alone?
Or worse, become a Bumboclaat prosecutor? A mi fi tell yu…


Don't let this one misdemeanor
Have you make a big mistake
Your dream is to seek out justice
You quit now, you be a flake
Just look at our broken system
Repair be a great big chore
We can't do a thing without you
What else you a lawyer for?


Wright Agency
Wright Agency
Be our abettor
And a go-getter
Come work with me
Here's a toilet brush, scrub away!
Make sure Charley's watered today!
Stop with that glower
Just when it's slower
Wright Agency


Me and Daddy be happy
We na' care that we be poor
But the rich DA's ain't happy
Forever they losers, sore
Who cares, let them be sucky
Defense always keeps their pride!
We get the "Not Guilty" verdict
You can't beat that thrill inside!


Wright Agency
Wright Agency
No one defeat us
Wish they could beat us
Undoubtedly!
We no defend the dirty crooks
Wright Agency we by the book
It's never boring
No time for snoring
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)


Get your law fill here
Eat pudding chill here
Consistently (Consistently)
Even the lawyers and DA's
Chuck all hostilities away
As soon as court's done
They band and have fun
Wright Agency


The judge he rules fair
Herr Gavin's a fop
He plays air guitar
He won't ever stop
Ema's full of sass
Pelts her Snackoo snacks
Kristoph ain't got no soul
(Yeah)
Music Dad can't play
He bluffs his way through
He's a poker shark
Though won't lie to you
He'll help us find truth
He knows where it's at
An' oh that Kristoph blows!


Yeah, Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Hearing "Objection!"
Every inflection
Is music to me (Is music to me)
Prosecution no understand
We always got the upper hand
All the "Take That's" here
Prove all the facts clear
Wright Agency


Each one of us here
Is a force to fear
Wright Agency
Each one of us here
In clients we trust here
That's why it's better
We be trend-setters
Ya we got luck here
Always buck up here
Wright Agency


Apollo: "So in which verse do I actually get paid … MON?!"

 

Chapter Text

 

"Khura'in's Greatest Queen"
(Sung to the tune of "The World's Greatest Criminal Mind"
from Disney'sThe Great Mouse Detective
)


 

[After a long day of ruling over Khura'in, Ga'ran decides to blow off some steam by singing about how great she is as her Royal Guards stand at attention.]


 

{Ga'ran}
From the mind that usurped Khura'in's throne,
The magnificent queen whose glory is known,
For imposing the wonderful DC Act,
That got Dhurke's livelihood eliminated and sacked.


 

But those were just the beginning,
To our scheme for glory and winning.
Our earlier deeds were quite a thing to see,
But now we must be more merciless,
For our rule is threatened as Inga plots against us,
Surely you would agree.


 

{Royal Guards}
More merciless? Are you serious?
More ruthless than those children you had executed?
You're the greatest queen we've reputed.
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your intellect has no peers!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your beauty brings us to tears!


 

["Thank you, Guards. Your words are most refreshing to our ears." Ga'ran smirks. "But alas, our rule hasn't been all flowers and butterflies. For we have faced our fair share of adversity thanks to that meddlesome, loudmouthed rebel, Dhurke Sahdmadhi!" The sinister queen snarls.]


 

["Booo!" The Royal Guards yell in unison.]


 

["For 23 years, that idealistic brute has sought to end our glorious rule, and we haven't had peace of mind ever since!" Ga'ran bemoans in an over-the-top fashion, sniffling and even faking a tear to really sell it.]


 

["Aww…" The guards bemoan, a few of them whimpering with trembling lower lips.]


 

[But in the blink of an eye, a sinister grin spreads across the queen's face. "But once we get rid of our traitorous husband and claim the Founder's Orb for ourselves, no one- not Dhurke, not that meddlesome foreign attorney, nor anyone else, for that matter - will ever be able to stand in our way! The people of Khura'in shall venerate us for the rest of time!"]


 

{Royal Guards}
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your enemies all cower!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,


 

{A Single Guard}
Despite your lacking spiritual power!


 

["Who said that?!" Ga'ran snarls, prompting the Royal Guards to quickly distance themselves from the quivering man. "Eemp Pu'tant…! Why am I not surprised?"]


 

["Y-Y-Your Eminence, I-I can explain!" The man stutters, dropping to his knees out of fear. "Back when it was declared that Her Merciful would become queen instead of you, we were told that it was because she had more spiritual power than you."]


 

["Such Insolence!" Ga'ran roars"We have always been a prodigy in regards to my spiritual capabilities and we will not allow for some lowly guard to say otherwise!"]


 

["I-I'm sorry, Your Eminence! It won't happen again!"]


 

["We fully agree with you, Pu'tant. For you know what happens to guards who have the audacity to question our powers…" The Queen snaps her fingers prompting two guards to restrain Eemp's arms, holding the man in place before a third guard slices his throat open with his sword.]


 

[After the deed is done, the two guards let go of Eemp's arms, allowing his corpse to fall to the ground with a thud. For the next few seconds, the throne room is filled with an eerie silence, which is suddenly broken by Ga'ran.]


 

["As you were singing?" The Queen smirks.]


 

{Royal Guards}
Even prouder,
We'll proclaim it!
No one could hope to hold a candle to you!
Your word is the only one that's true!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your teeth are so clean!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
The greatest Khura'inesequeeeeeen!

 

Chapter Text


 

"We Will Never Part"
(Sung to the tune of “You’ll Be In My Heart”
from Disney’s Tarzan)

Come stop that sighing
And put up a fight
I’m here for you
We’ll be alright


I will support you
So don’t you feel blue
I’ll never leave
From your side


You’re Phoenix Wright
Law’s where you belong
I’ll join your fight,
To help you right this wrong


You feel so scared now
I’ll support us
So you and me
We’ll get by


'Cause we will never part
No, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


We will never part
Who cares what they all say
I’ll love and stand by you, always


Believe me I know just the way it feels
Who can you trust when you’re in such pain?
We're not so different, for I’m alone too
Let’s rise together from this fall


And we will never part
No, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


Forget your doubters
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We’ll clear your name
The truth’ll unfold
They'll eat those words
I know


The roads will be bumpy
You must stay strong (you gotta be strong)
Just believe in yourself
And you’ll never go wrong
You’ll rise again
I know
We'll show them together


And we will never part
Believe me, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


Ooh, we will never part (you'll make a fresh new start)
It’s just us from today (I'll be with you)
No, we will never part (I'll be here)
Always
Always


 

I'll stand by you
I'll believe in you always
And love you for always


 

Just lean upon this shoulder
It’s there as we grow older
I’m your unmoving boulder
I'll be here
Always

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

 

Enemies On The Other Side
(Sung to the tune of "Friends On The Other Side"
from Disney's The Princess and the Frog)

 

[Being the bubbly, energetic girl that she is, Trucy doesn't hesitate to follow Roger Retinz into his office that seems more like a shrine to himself- what with all the awards and pictures of himself scattered around - as Phoenix cautiously follows from behind.]

["…So as I was saying, Ms. Wright," Retinz coolly responds, "While magic isn't my cup of tea, I can tell that you're no ordinary magician. I see you going places, kid, and I'm making sure that Take-2 TV's coming with you!"]

["Did you hear that, Daddy? Me. Retinz sees me going places!" Trucy chirps with an excited toothy grin.]

["Or he could have seen your stage name. How do I know you aren't just using my daughter to make a quick buck off her family line?" Phoenix asks with cold eyes filled with caution and skepticism.]

[Upon hearing this, the shifty producer growls before bursting out into song.]


 

Don't you disrespect me, Mr. Wright!
Don't be so mean and snide!
You're in my office, sir,
Not in yours,
And all of my enemies are on the other side.

(All of his enemies are on the other side…)


 

["What's with the weird echo?" Phoenix nervously asks, scanning the room in search of its source.]

["Oh, that?" Retinz chuckles with a wave of his hand. "Just a little bit of voodoo that's found in every Hollywood producer's office. Gotta keep up the ratings somehow, am I right?"]

[The shady producer wastes no time sitting in his posh leather chair.]


 

Please take a seat before me, maybe enjoy a nice cup of tea,
I just really don't want you, little Trucy, to flee and be an absentee.
I can help your future, I can make it as bright as can be,
I'll help you get the most out of life…


 

["Don't you want your little girl to enjoy life, Mr. Wright?" Retinz sneers at Phoenix.]


 

And make you feel so truly free!
I've got flash,
I've got trash,
I've got stuff the FCC won't let slide!
All to get back at my enemies on the other side.

(He's got enemies on the other side…)


 

My intuition, it's great, really is, will reveal,
If this deal's good, smart, and really swell.
My intuition, my sixth sense, just let it work,
So we can see each and every little perk.


 

Now you, young lass, your childhood was quite the eventful time,
You descend from magicians of the utmost pedigree and sublime.


 

["Though their personalities are a whole 'nother story." Retinz growls under his breath.]


 

Your new life's all good,
But your hopes are so high,
So you need someone big to help your career fly.


 

["Is this true, Ms. Wright?" Retinz warmly asks. "You wanna be a big-time magician like your grandfather and
biological dad before you?"]

["Yeah!" Trucy chirps. "I want the world to once again enjoy the wonders of Gramarye magic!"]

["Of course you do, kid." Retinz responds by patting the young magician's shoulder. "But in order for that to happen,
you need a producer to get you on television."]


 

It's the backing, it's the backing, it's the backing you need,
But if you work with me,
You'll be a big star, that's what I see!


 

Now Mr. Wright, don't think I forgot about you,
You've helped people in court for many a day,
You've helped your friend and your assistant and even your rival,
And when you helped Zak Gramarye,
All he did was run away.
But if you trust that this is no scam,
You'll have a little girl as happy as a clam.


 

["So how about it, Ms. Wright? Will you let me make your dreams a reality?" Retinz innocently asks as he places a
green clipboard with a sheet of paper on it and slides it towards Trucy. However, before she can grab it,
he quickly picks it up and reads the paper.]

["Wait, what's this about a prank? What are you planning on doing to my baby girl?!" Phoenix growls.]

["Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses, big guy." Retinz grins with his hands raised. "It's all in good fun. You see, I plan on getting a few
other magicians to help out with their own unique talents, and to make things a bit more interesting, there'll be a
viewer's poll to decide which one's the best, with the last-place performer getting pranked- pie in the face,
bucket of water placed above their dressing room door, you know, kids' stuff."]

["Alright…" Phoenix sighs, reluctantly handing the clipboard to his excited daughter. "But if you make a mockery out of Trucy on
national television, I'm suing you for defamation of character! And don't think I won't - I'm
friends with the Chief Prosecutor and an international prosecutor with a whip."]

["Don't worry, Mr. Wright." Retinz chuckles. "Your daughter will be treated with all the respect that she deserves, Scout's honor."]

["Done!" Trucy chirps as she hands the clipboard back to the shady producer.]

["Good. Now that we've got the contract squared away, I can start making the preparations on booking us a venue.
I'll call you in a week or two with the full details. Oh, and before you leave, promise me that if any events come up
that could compromise production- busy school load, family vacations,
your father going out of town- let me know so we can work around them, ok?"]

["Will do, Mr. Retinz!"
 Trucy jovially replies. "Thanks for everything!"]

["Don't mention it, Ms. Wright…" The shifty producer grins, waving as the father and daughter duo make their way towards the door.]

[But the second Phoenix and Trucy leave the office, closing the door behind them; Retinz cackles as he opens up the
back of the trick clipboard and removes the document inside that the little magician unwittingly signed.]

["Yes…!" The vindictive producer cackles. "The time for my revenge has finally come!"]


 

I'm so ready!
(He's so ready!)
I'm so ready!
Retribution's sublime!
(Retribution's sublime!)
Being a jerk fulltime,
(Being a jerk fulltime,)
The Gramarye pastime!
See your family name, Magnifi?
It's dying,
It's dying,
It's dying, alright!
I hope Trucy's satisfied!
But if she's not,
She shouldn't blame me!
She should blame her family on the other siiiiiiiiiide!
(She's famous like her family,)
(But now she'll suffer like them, too!)

 

Chapter Text

 

"Forever Thee "
(Sung to the tune of "Remember Me" from
Disney's
Coco  by Godot at the grave of
his beloved kitten, Mia Fey)

 

[Verse 1: Godot]

Forever thee, why'd you have to go and die
Forever thee, my love they can't deny
From the moment that I met you, I loved you from the start
No one shall ever take your place, inside my mind or heart
Forever thee, though above you're now a star
Forever thee, within my soul I now bare scars
Know that you're with me the only way that you can be
Until I can hold you again, forever thee


[Break: Mia Fey & Godot]

Mi corazón no dejará de latir para ti
Sin tu amor no puedo existir
Siempre Contigo
Que nuestra canción no deje de latir
Solo con tu amor yo puedo existir

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee
My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist


[Verse 2: Mia Fey]

Siempre Contigo, mi amor por ti sigue vivo
Siempre Contigo, mi espíritu está siempre a tu lado
Te llevo en mi corazón y te acompañaré
Donde sea que vayas , contigo allí siempre estaré

Siempre Contigo, mi corazón siempre serás dueño
Siempre Contigo
, nunca sientas que estás solo
Aún en la distancia nunca vayas a olvidar me
Que yo contigo siempre voy, siempre contigo

Forever thee, my love for you is still alive
Forever thee, my spirit's always by your side
I carry you within my heart and I'll accompany thee

Wherever you may go to, with you there I'll always be
Forever thee, my heart you'll always own
Forever thee, never feel that you're alone
Never in the distance will you ever forget me
That I always go with you, forever thee


[Bridge: Godot]

Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away
Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away
Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away


[Verse 3: Godot]

Forever thee, for even though you're gone
Forever thee, there'll be a day I'll come along
And know that you're with me the only way that you can be
Until I can hold you again, forever thee


[Outro: Mia Fey and Godot]

Mi corazón no dejará de latir para ti
Sin tu amor no puedo existir
Siempre Contigo

Que nuestra canción no deje de latir
Solo con tu amor yo puedo existir
Siempre Contigo

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee

Chapter Text

 

"The Von Karma Family"
(Sung to the snapping tune of
The Addams Family
theme song)

[Why Blaise Debeste and Damon Gant had to organize a mandatory joint karaoke night for the Prosecutor's Office and Police Department was beyond Manfred. Though knowing his friends, they put together this whole event just to spite him- just like that unholy 'vacation' back in 2008. It was bad enough that Manfred had to deal with these inferior detectives and prosecutors during working hours, but now he had to deal with them and their grating caterwauling.]

[However, the crème de la crème of the awfulness that was this evening was when Badd sauntered up onstage and requested to sing the theme song for "The Addams Family." But instead of singing the beloved television tune, the seasoned detective started singing his own lyrics.]


They're wicked and they're rigid,
Antisocial with hearts so frigid,
Their mission's all kinds of twisted,
The von Karma family.


In the courtroom, they show their passion,
With their outdated sense of fashion,
They know nothing of compassion,
The von Karma family.


Perfect.
Strict.
Convict.


So get a pressed cravat on,
And pray you don't get spat on,
'Cause we're gonna work on a case with,
The von Karma family!


["He got you good, Manny!" Gant chuckled as he clapped his hands, earning only a growl and a death glare from the 'perfect' prosecutor sitting next to him.]

Chapter Text

" Objection, Your Honor!"
(Sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matanta" from
Disney's
The Lion King)


 

[As 4 th  graders, it's recess time and Miles is excitedly rambling on about having just seen Gregory Edgeworth in action at the courthouse yesterday, much to his friends' visible disinterest because they're  9  – what do they care about courtrooms?]

[Little Miles gets all huffy and insists that seeing Daddy in action was The. Coolest. Thing. EVER and how when he's all grown up, he's gonna be a defense attorney just like him – and then  he  will also get the joy of pointing his finger and loudly shouting:  "Objection, Your Honor!"]


[PHOENIX]

Objection, Your Honor!
Such a commanding phrase!


[EDGEWORTH]

Objection, Your Honor!
*stretches out his index and glares*
With a steely gaze!


[PHOENIX]

It means "Oh heck no!"
To the DA's whole case!


[PHOENIX AND EDGEWORTH]

It's the lawfully philosophy
Objection, Your Honor!


[PHOENIX]

Objection, Your Honor!


[LARRY]

*confused*
Objection, Your Honor?


[EDGEWORTH]
*boasting*
Indeed. To be my axiom!

[LARRY]
*scratches his head*
AXE-IM?

[PHOENIX]
*joking tone as he smirks at Edgeworth*
AXE him?! Tempting, but it's still murder!


[EDGEWORTH]

*glares at Phoenix then turns back to Larry*
This war cry means I demand justice!


[PHOENIX]
That's right. Take Edgeworth here…
*sings*
Even though he's a Poindexter…

[EDGEWORTH]
*scowls*
A very proud Poindexterrrrrr!


[PHOENIX]
*snickers*
We know!

[EDGEWORTH]
*harrumphs*
Much obliged


[PHOENIX]

He found that the law held his ardor and zeal
Wanted to defend just like Daddy, Courtroom Man of Steel!


[EDGEWORTH]

Yes I'm studious, but for me law's no bore
Yet when I speak of it, my friends start to snore!


[EDGEWORTH]
*grits his teeth as Phoenix and Larry make mock snoring sounds*
Thisclose to profanity!

[PHOENIX]
*dramatically puts back of hand to his forehead*
Oh, the humanity!


[EDGEWORTH]
So much inanity!

[PHOENIX]
We're bored to insanity!


[EDGEWORTH]
Tried to be unaffected

[PHOENIX]
D'Aw! Didja feel rejected?


[EDGEWORTH]
*downcast*
I'd get so dejected…

[PHOENIX]
*puts a comforting arm around Edgeworth's shoulders*
Sorry, Edgy! You'll be more respected!

[EDGEWORTH]
*mumbles*
Thank you


[PHOENIX AND EDGEWORTH]

Objection, Your Honor!
Such a commanding phrase
Objection, Your Honor!
With a steely gaze!


[LARRY]

It means "Oh heck no!"

To the DA's whole case!


[ALL]

It's the lawfully philosophy

Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection –


[Scene fades, until we're now in present day, with the three old friends drunkenly singing in a bar, with Larry sandwiched between legal legends Phoenix Wright and his courtroom rival, Miles Edgeworth, an arm slung around each of their shoulders]


[OLDER LARRY]

It means "Oh hell no!"
To defense's whole case!


[ALL]

It's the lawfully philosophy
Objection, Your Honor!

[repeat]


[EDGEWORTH]

*points his index at the Ace Defense Attorney with a smug grin*
I say, "Objection!"

[PHOENIX]
*points back at the Chief Prosecutor and winks back*
I say, "Your Honor!"

Chapter Text

"Perfect Case"
(Sung to the tune of "Toxic Love" from
"FernGully: The Last Rainforest")

[After Blaise Debeste was arrested for killing Jill Crane, in addition to running black market auctions that sold evidence, Franziska work with Interpol was done. So with this task having been perfectly completed, the prosecuting prodigy decides to spend some time working in the L.A. Prosecutor's Office as a bit of a vacation since she finds the American justice system to be especially foolish. Though while Franziska doesn't want to admit it, it's obvious to everyone in the Prosecutor's Office that she's only working there so that she can spend some time with her 'little' brother after everything that he's been through recently.]

[However, if anyone dares to bring up those thoughts to Franziska- or even simply irritate her, for that matter- she'll respond with a rapid-fire barrage of variations of the word 'fool' and many painful lashes from her whip. Thus, the prosecuting prodigy has been facing few interruptions as she sits at her desk, looking over a case file while gleefully singing a song to express her sense of self-pride.]


[Speaks]
Let me prosecute this case!
No one's better at the subject!
After all, I'm perfect!


[Sings]
Deception and crime,
Murders so sloppy, defense attorneys so foolish.
The Detective obeys me, the Judge knows his place,
So they'll love my per-per-per-perfect case!


I visit many nations and the fools living in them,
With my perfection, I ensure a conviction to condemn,
My glory's growing with each perfect outcome,
And anyone who defies me will be whipped until they're numb.
And what a perfect justice system they've given me,
Rushed trials that force the foolish defense to beg and plea.


Guilty verdicts without doubt,
Piled before me like dinnertime sauerkraut.
I'm a von Karma, I'm a dynamo in the workplace,
So they'll love my per-per-per-perfect case!

Chapter Text

 

"A Whole New Law"
(Sung to the tune of "A Whole New World"
from Walt Disney's
Aladdin )


[Intro: Phoenix and Maya]

Maya: Argh! I was losing my mind today, with nothing to do but hope and pray! *puffs out cheeks* However did you do that?!

Phoenix: Do what?

Maya: How'd you manage to pull that log out of the fire?!

Phoenix: *smirks* It's my own brand of courtroom magic!

Maya: I - I'd gotten so used to seeing you defend – but at your side in court, where I could actually help you out! – Instead of so far away in the gallery!I felt so helpless!

Phoenix: You wouldn't...you wouldn't ever consider coming back as my legal assistant again, would you? We could create some serious waves, post Dark Age of the Law!

Maya: So the system is now … corrupt free?

Phoenix: You bet! Do you believe in me?

Maya: What?

Phoenix: Do you believe in me?

Maya: Yes...


[Verse 1: Phoenix]
I'll make justice unfurl
Flawed jurisdictions mended
Tell me, Master, when was the law
Last upon your side?


[Verse 2: Phoenix]

Little room for surprise
Same old courtroom inflections
Hold it's, Take That's, Objections
Cuz the truth can't be denied


[Refrain 1: Phoenix]
A whole new law
Vanquished the darkness you once knew
No further jails to know
More highs than lows
Nor frightened tears or screaming


[Refrain 2: Maya and Phoenix]
A whole new law
Fresh turnabouts begin anew
With you I'll have no fear
It's crystal clear
That I'm meant for a whole new law with you
(I'm meant for a whole new law with you)


[Verse 2: Maya]
Unbelievable bluffs
Magatamas be glowing
Smiling faces be showing
That we're on our client's side!


[Refrain 3: Maya and Phoenix]

A whole new law
(Don't you dare change your mind)
At Wright Anything Agency
(With you back; it'll be better)
Our trials are so bizarre
We raise the bar!
My heart says this is where I need to be


[Refrain 4: Phoenix and Maya]

A whole new law
(The DA's aren't bad guys)
New crimes and cases to pursue
(We're truth-seeking go-getters)
We'll be the justice pair
Make trials be fair
Let me share this whole new law with you


[Refrain 5: Phoenix and Maya]

A whole new law
(I'll be your squaw)
Together we'll be
(We're meant to be)
Eternal bliss
(Give me a kiss)
Forever thee


[Whispers] Maya: Goodnight, my Baron of Bluffing

[*Phaya kiss*]

Chapter Text

 

"We All Have Dreams"
(Sung to the tune of "I've Got A Dream"
from Disney's
Rapunzel)

[It's rec time at Central Prison and most of the prisoners are enjoying it in their own unique ways- some do exercise, some sneak off to place an order with the Supplier, and others trade stories about how Phoenix Wright got them arrested.]

[However, instead of enjoying the brief time out of his cell, Simon Blackquill spends it sitting on a bench off to the side with a cold, morose look on his face. But despite the Twisted Samurai's intimidating appearance, Kristoph isn't deterred from approaching the prosecutor with his usual grin.]


["Hello, Prosecutor Blackquill. Lovely day, isn't it?"]


["What do you want, Toothpick?" Simon growls.]

["Well, since you asked so nicely …You know your most recent trial where you
prosecuted that astronaut?"]

["The one that resulted in the destruction of Courtroom Number Four and Tonate
getting thrown in here in record time…"
 Simon gestures over to Tonate standing on the other
side of the area, who responds with only a slow wave.
"What about it?"]

["I heard through the grapevine that you fought against Wright in court earlier today and gave
him quite the hard time. Care to go into specific details about how my arch
enemy squirmed and struggled?"]

["I'm not in the mood." Simon curtly responds, turning his back to the former defense attorney.]

["Since when have you ever been the type not to relish in the misery of others?
Why, no one could stop you from telling us about how terrified Mr. Justice was back in April when you broke your shackles
after one of his bluffs; or in July, when Wright was traumatized by that writer's…wardrobe malfunction."
Kristoph chuckles. " The latter was especially delightful to hear."]

["Since I'm going to be put to death tomorrow, the girl who I sacrificed my life to protect is under arrest
for a crime that she didn't do, and that the Phantom is still on the loose.
My sacrifice and everything else I've done over the last seven years has all been in vain." Simon sullenly states.]

["Mr. Blackquill, as the man who ruined Wright's reputation and stalked him for seven years,
I know that anything is possible. And do you know why?]

["Because you had no hobbies, friends, or anything else of importance to lose?"
The Twisted Samurai wryly asks, earning him a scowl from Kristoph.]

["No. It's because anything is possible as long as you have a dream- something each and every one of us has."]

["Well then, Mr. Evidence-is-all-that-Matters, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and explain yourself?"]

["Oh, I will, Prosecutor Blackquill… in song." Kristoph smirks.]

["Oh, bugger…" Simon sighs with a roll of his eyes.]


{Kristoph}
I'm calm, collected, and smart,
My skills really set me apart,
Though my morality is quite questionable.
But despite my debatable flaws,
And my deep fascination with all laws,
I've always wished to be a Broadway singer.


Can't you picture me onstage singing ditties,
Filling the audience with glee?
While I loved being a lawyer,
I'm also a musical enjoyer,
Because everyone has dreams, I agree.
(We all agree!)
(We all agree!)
As you can see, I'm not all that beastly.
And while with revenge I'm a schemer,
You can say that I'm a dreamer,
Because we all dream, I agree.


[While the prisoners are singing, Fulbright watches scene from a security monitor in the prison's surveillance room as Tonate chimes in with his speech synthesizer.]

{Tonate}
I'M LANKY, SHORT, AND ALOOF,
WITH ISSUES THROUGH THE ROOF,
AND AN OBSESSION FOR ALL THINGS THAT GO BOOM!
BUT DESPITE MY BEADY EYES,
AND MY CREEPY, STOIC GUISE,
I WANT TO FILL THE DARK VOID IN MY HEART!

I YEARN TO FIND A GIRL I CAN CONNECT WITH,
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT DISTURBED BY MY HOBBIES.
THOUGH I KILLED A GIRL I LIKED,
I WON'T LET MY HEART GET PIKED,
BECAUSE EVERYONE DREAMS, I AGREE!
I AGREE,
(We all have dreams!)
I AGREE,
(We all have dreams!)
AND I BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY I'LL HAVE GLEE!
AND WHILE I MAY BE JAILED,
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I'VE FAILED,
FOR EVERYONE DREAMS, I AGREE!


{Random Prisoners}
Sahwit wants to get out and be an animal groomer.
Atmey studies chemistry after dark.
Gant swims in the pool,
Gustavia's candy will make you drool.
Means educates,
L'Belle ice-skates,
Wellington makes ceramic plates


{Kristoph}
And Tigre takes an interest in the stock market.

[The prisoners stop singing when they notice Elbird, who is disguised as a guard, walking towards the entrance to the prison.]

["Excuse me, Mr. Guard." Kristoph states as he and several other prisoners approach the disguised inmate. "What do you have to say regarding this matter?"]

["Me?" Elbird asks with a look of confusion.]

["YES. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM?" Ted types on his speech synthesizer with a stoic expression.]

["Sorry, guys. I've got things to do. So if you'll excuse me…"]

[Elbird tries to walk away, but is quickly stopped when the prisoners surround him and point makeshift shivs- except for Tonate, who pulls out a bomb made out of a bar of soap- at him.]


{Elbird}
I have a dream like yours, alright,
Though it's got a lot more might,
And involves me winning a big fight.
Within the boxing ring,
After a lot of prep and training,
I'll beat the heavyweight champ, aright!


{Blackquill}
Everyone has a dream,
(We agree!)
Everyone has a dream,
(We agree!)
Mine's to hear the Phantom's final scream.
After he's convicted at his trial,
I'm sure my sensei's ghost will smile.
We all have a dream, I agree.


{Everyone}
We all have dreams,
We agree!
We all have dreams,
We agree!
We're not all that different, don't you see?
We're like familyyyyyyyy!


Call us evil, crazy, opportunistic,
And eerily idealistic,
But we're proud to say we've all got dreams!
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
That deep, down inside we've all got dreeeeeeeeams!
Yeah!

Chapter Text

 

"(He's) Not The One I Dream Of"
(Sung to the tune of "I Won't Say I'm In Love"
from Disney's Hercules)


 

[A newly christened "kitten" at Grossberg Offices has been a case of the "lady doth protest too much" for the past month regarding her not so hidden ardor for a certain Rico Suave, Defense Lawyer to her starry-eyed baby sister and intellectually attractive BFF]

[Maya: That Diego is such a hunk! *swoons*]

[Mia: Hmph! That D stands for "Don" ... as in "Don Juan" - since he shamelessly tries to woo anything in heels! It's revolting!]

[Lana: Jealous much? I've never seen you get this worked up over a guy before, Mia! He may be a flirt - but he's totally hot for you! Why don't you just admit you're into him, too?]

[Mia: *huffs* I am NOT worked up, and I refuse to become yet another conquest for that blasted man!

[Lana + Maya: *smirk* Someone's got a serious case of denial!]

[Mia: ObjectionI have no interest in macho, womanizing, Latin lover types! Diego Armando doesn't do a damn thing for me!]


 

[Verse 1: Mia]

Were there a plaque for largest ego
I have no doubt he would win that
No skirt escapes all his flirtations
Except with me, they all tend to fall flat!


 

[Bridge 1: Maya & Lana]

Stop with the self-fibbing
Girl you like him say that you do
There's no point in lyin'
Honey we can tell that it's true!
(Oh nooo)
Mia just reveal it
There is no concealing
Who you're dreamin' of


 

[Chorus 1: Mia + Maya & Lana]

Enough, I say!
No confessions, no way!
(Why must you lie?)
(We know you're lovin' that guy!)
I must say nay!
He's not the one I dream of!


 

[Verse 2: Mia]

It can't be love, at most, obsession
I tend to smile when he's about
He makes me blush like I'm a school girl
I've said too much, I'd best shut my mouth!


 

[Bridge 2: Maya & Lana]

(Ohhh...)
We'll both keep on prying
Till you admit how you're feeling
No point falsifying
Cuz you find this man appealing
(Oh, no)
Own up like a big girl
That he makes those toes of yours curl
So gosh dang freaking bad!


 

[Chorus 2: Mia + Maya & Lana]

Enough, I say!
No confessions, no way!
(That sigh, that grin)
(You're one smitten kitten)

I won't be swayed!
He's not the one I dream of!
(But we insist)
(You two fit like a glove!)
That's not the case! Enough I say!
Look at this face! I won't confess!
(Girl, sing it loud!)
(He's the one you dream of!)


 

[End verse: Mia + Maya & Lana]

(Ohhh...)
I can't tell him
He's the one I dream of….
(Shoo do, shoo do, shoo do, shoo do)
(Sha-la-la-la la la, ahh)

 

Chapter Text

 

"Edgey-Poo, I Love You!"
(Sung to the tune of the original “Scooby-Dooby-Doo”
 TV theme song)



[On the side of a road on the outskirts of L.A., Edgeworth's sitting behind the wheel of his car with a scowl on his face. The back half of his vehicle is currently off the road, partially submerged in mud created by a recent rainstorm, which is why Gumshoe is currently pushing at the back bumper.]


["Mr. Edgeworth, mind telling me how you got your car stuck in the mud again?" Gumshoe asks, grunting and heaving as he tries to get his superior's car back on the road.]


["I don't want to talk about it, Gumshoe…" Edgeworth sighs with a slow shake of his head. "Let's just say that driving 70 mph while having a phone call with Franziska is a bad combination. But luckily for us, while you were traveling here, I called California Car Club to send down a tow truck. So if your efforts are fruitless, then worry not; for help shall be here in no time. In fact, I think I see the rescue party now." The maroon-cladded prosecutor smirks as he points to an oncoming tow truck which stops near the car.]


[However, Edgeworth's joy is short-lived when he learns who's driving the tow truck.]


["Don't worry, Edgey-poo! I'll save you!"
Oldbag squeals as she exits her vehicle.]


["Noooo! Why won't you leave me alone!?!" Edgeworth shrieks, reeling back in horror. "Keep pushing, Gumshoe! I'll be damned if I'm stuck on this godforsaken road with this decrepit harpy!"]


["Don't be so coy, Edgey-poo!" Oldbag chirps, blushing as she raises her clenched fists. "You don't have to play hard to get with me because…"]


 
Edgey-wedgey-poo, I love you!
We'll have the sweetest whoopee you knew



["Nnnnnggghhhhhoooooooo!!" Edgeworth screams, his saucer-sized eyes filled with terror as he repeatedly slams his foot on the gas pedal, but to no avail.]



Edgey-wedgey-poo, I love you!
We'll kiss and snuggle all night
Come on, Edgey-poo, I see you,
Trying to get that restraining order
But you're not fooling me, 'cause I can see,
What those bedroom eyes will deliver



You know we've got a real connection
So Ima make Edgey's loins quake!
Also, ache!



["Push, Gumshoe, push! Push as if your life depends on it!!" Edgeworth screams at Gumshoe, prompting the scruffy detective to push even harder on the car's back bumper.]



And, Edgey-poo, if you're nice,
You'll get yourself a special clambake.


Edgey-wedgey-poo, I need you!
You're looking so dapper and strong.
If you return my love, Edgey-poo,
We'll do many things that seem wrong!


 


[As if the universe heard Edgeworth's pleas for help and decided to throw him a bone, Gumshoe finally manages to push his superior's car back onto the road, allowing for the maroon-cladded prosecutor to speed away like a bat out of hell.]


 


["Edgey-poo, wait for me!" Oldbag squeals as she rushes back to her tow truck and drives after one of the many loves of her life in hot pursuit.]

 

Chapter Text

 “I Can Help Defend Them”
(Sung to the tune of “(I Can) Go the Distance”
From Walt Disney’s Hercules)


 

 As a young student

I fell far from grace

Till a legal hero

Came and saved me

And the courts became

Such a wondrous place

Inner voice keeps singing

This will be my destiny


 

I’ll be there someday

I can help defend them

She will guide my way

Help me to be strong

I know every trial

Will be worth my while

I will do most anything

Objections will be my song


[Mia: You’re going to be something, Phoenix. I’ll always believe in you.]


 

I won’t lag or stray

I can help defend them

I’ll work really hard

Although the path is long

I won’t lose my smile

That’s not defense style

I will prove to the whole world

That law’s where I belong


 

 I’ll win NOT GUILTY’s

I can help defend them

Show solid proof

When prosecution’s wrong

I’ll make Mia proud

I can help defend them

I’ll get my lawyer’s badge

Cuz court’s where I belong!

 

Chapter Text

 

"You're Only Third-Rate"
(Sung to the tune of "You're Only Second-Rate"
from Disney's Return of Jafar)

 

I must confess,
Your bluffs are quite comedic.
I wager you'll say that the Earth is flat.


Now here's your chance to expose me,
Hope your evidence is feasible.
Come, Attorney,
Are you reasonable?


 

You've tried to press my testimony,
But you've just come off as a big phony.
To this court, I'll elate,
I must advocate,
You're only third-rate!


 You think you've got a shot,
But you're firing a blank.
How you got this far,
You've only got luck to thank.
So just so you know,
It's no debate,
You're only third-rate!


 Plebes quail,
At the scale,
Of my genius!
Colleges vie for my mighty first-rate mind.


 But if you doubt my wondrous splendor,
You've doomed your client friend!
Because this trial will soon come to a painful end!


 Go ahead and slam me with your turnabout,
Mock my eyesight,
Use a glove that's all worn out.
It'll be a cinch to deflate,
It's just your fate,
You're only third-rate!


 You see, your reasoning is paper-thin,
And you lack the mental capacity to win.
To your case, I'll negate,
As I restate,
You're only third-rate!


 Pourquoi tu as triste?
Because you'll be begging on your knees!
Tu ne connais pas,
How your cross-examination is one big gaffe!


 So spare me your finger-pointing,
For it's rather quite disappointing.
And I can barely wait,
To declare this checkmate!
Your case has been roasted,
And served on a plate!
You'd make a better living,
Selling fishing bait!
You're only third-rate!


 

["Very well, Mr. Wellington." The Judge states with a nod of his head as if this is an everyday occurrence for him."Mr. Wright, would you care to cross-examine the witness?"]

["S-Sure…" Phoenix stutters, hunched over as a few beads of sweat drip down his brow.]

 

 

Chapter Text

 

"Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)"
Sung to the theme tune of Disney's
DuckTales (2017)

["Stop being such a stick in the mud, Edgeworth!" Phoenix cajoled the unsmiling prosecutor. "You know that I know that you know that I know that you at least owe this much to your subordinate!"]

["Come on, Mr. Edgeworth!" Maya coaxed, nudging the cravat-wearing man in the ribs. "It's not like our pal is asking for much in return for saving the day… Just one little theme song to be sung in his honor!"

["I refuse to partake in such cockamamie nonsense, Miss Fey." Edgeworth stubbornly folded his arms across his chest, his granite expression resembling one of the stone faces of Mount Rushmore. "I am most grateful to Detective Gumshoe for saving the day by giving you two the metal detector, which ended up convicting Manfred Von Karma. However, I am an esteemed High Prosecutor, hence must maintain the dignity of my office…"]

[Gumshoe simply eyed affixed his superior with the mother of all wounded puppy dog expressions, prompting Edgeworth to finally shut his eyes and heave a long-suffering sigh.]

["Very well. Perhaps … I can sing the background chorus if it pleases you all…"]

["Perfect!" Maya chirped, thrusting the karaoke microphone at him. "Nick, Larry and I will do all the main verses… All you need to do in the background is sing 'Gumshoe… (Whoooooop!)' alright?"]

["Whoooooop! Detective Gumshooooe?" Edgeworth looked pained. "I feel so bloody foolish…]

["Too late, Edgey!" Larry guffawed loudly, clapping the stoic man on the back. "You've already agreed to it!"]

["Also, it's not 'Whoooooop! Detective Gumshooooe', Edgeworth." Phoenix smirked at his courtroom rival. ["It's Gumshoe… (Whoooooop!)"]

["How nice of you to clarify the order, Wright. That's now much more dignified!"]

["Let's rock this place!" Maya cut in, winking at the beaming, scruffy flatfoot in the audience as she grabbed her mike. "Gumshoe, pal, this one's for you!"]


Life is pure financial strain
Under Edgeworth
Investigating every day
Crimes to unearth!
Living on Ramen
Is the plight of this lawman


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


(Whoooooop!)


Just when crook's about to leave
And go walk free
Finds last-minute evidence
Proof he's GUILTY!


Stumbles along the way
But always saves the day!


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


(Whoooooop!)


He's a bumbler that's nothing new
But a true pal, loyal to you!
In the end, we love that big lug


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Villains all fail, justice prevails
Dick Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)

Chapter Text

 "Never Collaborate with Blaise Debeste"
{Sung to the tune of "Never Smile at a Crocodile"
from Disney's 
Peter Pan)

 

[In the P.I.C. meeting room, Justine is alone as she organizes a few files to help Sebastian effectively handle the murder case of Horace Knightly. Sure, Sebastian may be a bit egotistical despite how… slow he is, but despite how irritating he can be, no one can deny that the boy pours his heart and soul into everything he does. So it's only fair to Sebastian that Justine displays the same determination in regards to helping him formulate a case that sounds at least semi-competent.]

[But as Justine is busy looking over a few details, she is interrupted as Jill Crane enters the room.]


["Ah, there you are, Judge Courtney. I've been meaning to talk to you," Jill states,
closing the door behind her before walking over to her fellow P.I.C. member.]

["About what?"  Justine asks, giving her colleague her full attention as she puts
down the file that she's currently reading.]

["It's about your current partnership…" Jill scans the room,
making sure that no one else is present.
"With the boy."]

["Sebastian?" Justine questions, cocking her head off to the side in confusion.
"I know that he may come across as a bit arrogant at times,

but he's been developing as a prosecutor, albeit very slowly."]

["It's not the kid I'm worried about, it's you. By helping that kid
with this case, you're getting dangerously close to his father."]


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
No one can be friends with Blaise Debeste.
Don't ever fall for his crocodile tears,
'Cause his evil truly has no rivals or peers.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
He'll kill all you love with such great zest.
With him don't have lunch, don't have tea,
Say y'know, or y'see,
'Cause there's no soul in that devil known as Blaise Debeste.


["I'm sorry. Isn't that what we had in mind when we joined the P.I.C.?
We wanted to keep tabs on Blaise Debeste so that we could
finally acquire the evidence needed to bring him to justice."]

["Yes, we can't avenge my beloved Jack without being in this den of evil,
but there's such a thing as getting too close. It's one thing to attend meetings
and talk about legalities with that weepy crocodile, but it's a whole different
story when you're rubbing elbows with his mentally-challenged
demon spawn. Blaise Debeste is like black hole- devoid
of light and ensures that anything that gets too close to him is never seen again."]

["Ok, now you're overreacting." Justine nonchalantly states with a stoic expression.]

["Am I? Am I!?" Jill angrily exclaims with wide, unblinking eyes.
"Jack had no relationship to Blaise whatsoever, yet he 'disappeared'
simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time!
You've seen how that psychopath treats his own son, so what makes you
think he won't make you 'disappear' the second that
little idiot completely botches everything up?"]


You can be stoic, no debate,
And in intellect so very first-rate,
But there's sometimes a special case, I shall place,
To act on emotion.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
So many people disappear because of Blaise Debeste.
Don't lower your guard around that shark-toothed grin,
'Cause that husk of a man is only filled with sin.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
Or under a car, you'll surely be appressed.
Don't trust that maniac, just run,
Watch your back, not his son,
'Cause there's not one shred of remorse in Blaise Debeste.


["Sebastian may be a bit of a slow learner, but he always puts 101 percent
of his mind and body into whatever task he's given."
 Justine retorts with a fierce glare.
"That's why I'm here- to organize the evidence and facts of the case in a
way that will allow for Sebastian to succeed."]

["Trust me, Courtney; you'd be better off just chucking those files out the window.Jill scoffs.
"The only thing that kid is 'the best' at is obfuscating the truth. For all you know, Blaise
is using his son to spy on you, just as you're using
the kid to get information on him."]

["Sebastian can't remember what a metal detector is. Do you honestly expect him to
relay coherent information to his father? Not to mention, given the interactions
I've witnessed between the two of them, I find it hard to believe that Chairman Debeste
would
 trust his son's findings even if they were spot-on."]

["Fine. If you want to play with fire by being that kid's babysitter,
who am I to stop you...?"
 Jill lets out an exasperated sigh.
"But before I go, let me just give you a bit of advice…"]


Your cause might be just,
And feelings fill you with disgust,
But there's sometimes a special case, I shall place,
To act on emotion.


For example:

Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
No one ever wins when dealing with Blaise Debeste.
Don't ever think he's soft for being weepy,
'Cause that guy's got a thousand layers of insanity.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
He'll treat you no better than the rest.
With him don't laugh, don't relax,
Don't prepare for small talk, only attack,
'Cause that bastard ensures things go well only for Blaise Debeste.

 

Chapter Text

 

"Thief Like Me"
Sung to the tune of "Friend Like Me"
from Disney's 
Aladdin

[Miles: Now then, thank you for rescuing me Kay, but I really do need to be moving along … Wait why you following me?]

[Kay: Just where do you think you're going, buster? You can't just take off on your assistant all willy-nilly! Is this the way you thank me for helping you escape from being kidnapped?]

[Miles: Assistant? Nonsense! I don't have an assistant! I already have an overenthusiastic bumbler of a detective who considers himself to be my right-hand man… ]

[Gumshoe: Hey!]

[Miles: *ignores him* Ergo, I do not need to be babysitting a childlike miscreant, aka a self-proclaimed "Great Thief" on top of that!]

[Kay: I'm not that kind of thief Mr. Edgeworth! Like the great Byrne Faraday before me… I only steal the truth… This Yatagarasu will be an invaluable asset to you!]

[Miles: What's this? The truth?]

[Gumshoe: Yatagarasu?]

[Kay: Good sir, I don't think you're fully grasping what "a steal" you've got here. So why don't you just chillax whilst I lay the facts about your new priceless sidekick?]


Well it's the truth I'm a great thief
And the type that'll never fail
Your luck's changed like you won't believe
Here to ensure you'll always prevail!
A legend's got your back now
Some say I'm quite the champ
My badass skills will have you WOWED!
I'm a ninja girl, I ain't no vamp
Kay Faraday!


Mr. Miles Edgeworth sir
I'm your new sidekick, see?
No limits or borders
Stop that frown!
You will never find a thief like me!
Ha ha ha


Life's a big turnabout, can make you feel dizzy!
This sidekick you would wanna flaunt
You will never find a thief like me


Good sir, just call I'm at your service
What a team we'll make, huzzah!
It's my true wish to serve justice
It's enough to make you shout hurrah!


I'll be your extra hand, can even help Gummy!
L'il Thief's so good, to be da hood
You will never find a thief like me!


Won't be dismissed
So yeah take that!
When things are amiss
Be there in seconds flat!
I'll show you proof
Let's make this clear
This Yatagarasu's quite the trip
Makes shady guys quiver with fear!


Don't you object or try to hide
Cuz I got sleuthing flare!
You got me by your side, certified
I'm the loyal gal who's always there
Don't matter if you protest or shout
So what's next case? I really wanna know
You got a list that's three miles long no doubt
Get on your feet, ready, set, let's go... and oh


Mr. Miles Edgeworth, sir, we both know you need me!
In depths of night where no birds dare flight
You won't ever find a thief, never find a thief
You won't ever find a thief, never find a thief
You won't ever… find a… thief… like me


You won't ever find a thief like me, hah!

*bows while Gumshoe applauds*

Chapter Text

 

"Don't Deceive Me"
Sung to the tune of "Trust In Me" from
Disney's The Jungle Book


 

[Matt Engarde never thought that he'd find himself, Mr. Refreshing-like-a-Spring-Breeze, standing in a rundown part of town in the dead of night in front of a dark alleyway. But then again, Matt also didn't think that Corrida would be such a thorn in his side for so many years. So after letting out a quick sigh, the celebrity knocked on the brick wall of a nearby building in an oddly specific fashion, one that was specified to him over the phone by the man he was there to meet.]

[And sure enough, after the final knock on the wall, the dark alley was illuminated by a single shinning circle, followed by an eerily soothing voice.]

["Mr. Matt Engarde, I presume." The voice stated.]

["Yeah, Dude." The celebrity replied in the typical airheaded fashion he dealt with all people. "And are you, like, de Killer?"]

["Indeed I am." The voice said before its speaker stepped into the light, allowing Matt to see the man's slender form which was dressed in a nice suit that perfectly complimented the monocle on his left eye. Though Shelly's most noticeable feature was the line of stitches running right down the center of his face from his forehead to his chin, resembling some kind of mask that could be unzipped and removed at a moment's notice"You mentioned over the phone that you wish for me to dispose of a man by the name of Juan Corrida, correct?"]

["Yeah, dude! He needs to die because-"]

["I do not need to know your motives behind wanting to see this man dead, Mr. Engarde." Shelly politely stated, cutting off his potential client midsentence. "As an assassin, my only goal is to kill my target and ensure that my client faces no negative repercussions. Though there is one thing that I ask of you, Mr. Engarde…"]

["What, dude?"  Matt asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion, to which the assassin responded by singing in a clam, yet threatening tone.]


Don't deceive me,

Don't betray me.

Just sit back,

And put your faith in me.


You won't have,

Someone to rue,

After I,

Am through.


If you know integrity and honor,

You have nothing to fear.

But if you double-cross me,

Your end's near.


Don't deceive me,

Don't betray me.

Just sit back,

And put your faith in me…


["You see, Mr. Engarde, nothing angers me more than a traitor. And if I were to discover that you had the gall to do just that to me, then… well, let's just say that it wouldn't end well for you. So, do I have your word that you will be as loyal to me as I will be to you?" Shelly asked, extending his hand out.]

["Yeah, totally! You can definitely count on me!" Matt grinned as he shook the assassin's hand while holding his free one behind his back with his index and middle fingers crossed.]

Chapter Text

 


"My Beautiful Iris"
Sung to by a smitten Larry trying to woo a certain shrine maiden
to the tune of "Ma Belle Evangeline"
from Disney's  The Princess and the Frog


[Iris: You've had so many other lovers, Lawrence. How can I ever believe that you mean what you say when you claim to love me, now?]

[Larry: Milady, Katty Tom, Banjolina and Keyance, they meant nothing to me! None of them could hold a candle to you! Iris Hawthorne, only you, and you alone have everything I will ever want!]

[Iris: *looks away shyly* I want to believe you… I really do…]

[Larry: If you don't believe my words, then hear the music of my heart… *strums his lute and starts to sing*]


[Larry]

You mean the world to this guy
My beautiful Iris
So out of my league, I sigh
Yet in her hands, my heart will ever be


So kind, so pure, my beauty queen
Lucent eyes shine so bright
Light up, the night


Could one as perfect as she
Accept a bum like me
The woman of my dreams is thee
Most precious gem I've ever seen
Oooh, yeah!


I'd be dutiful
Cuz she's magical
She has everything
I would need
Milady…


You mean the world to this guy
I love you, my sweet lady


[Iris: Oh, Lawrence…. *stares up into his face with misty eyes* You really did mean all that, didn't you? ]

[Larry: From my heart to yours. *places her hand over his chest* I love you, my beautiful Iris]

[Iris: And my heart belongs to only you, Lawrence Butz]

*Larris kiss*

Chapter Text

 

"How We Stick Around"
Sung to the tune of  "Secret of Survival (in a Very Nasty World)”
from Disney’s The Wind in the Willows

 

["You wanted to see me, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Gaspen nervously asks as a police officer escorts him into the courthouse lobby after his failed attempt to flee the building.]

 

["Yes." Edgeworth curtly responds with crossed arms. "I want to talk to you about-"]

 

["Hello, Gaspen. Sorry I'm late." Winston states, inadvertently cutting off his superior as he walks into the building. "Traffic was a nightmare, and Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth has been bogging me down with work and being a real pain in my - Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, fancy seeing you here! Is that a new cravat you're wearing?" The older Payne brother asks with his hands folded together and an anxious smile on his face when he notices the maroon-cladded prosecutor's presence and tries to make up for the comment he was about to utter.]

 

["What are you doing here, Winston?" Edgeworth sighs in exasperation at the fact that he now has to deal with double the Payne.]

 

["I knew that my brother had a trial today. So I figured that after he was done, we could go out for lunch. Care to join us, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Winston confidently asks as he taps his forehead.]

["As much as I would love to give you a snide remark about how I'd rather do anything else, Winston, I currently have more pressing matters to attend to in the form of your brother's performance- namely, his use of forged evidence in court and how he ruthlessly badgers witnesses."]

 

["Objection!" Gaspen hisses. "Sometimes it's necessary to get a guilty verdict by any means possible. Look at what Wright did with Gavin last year."]

 

["I agree with my brother, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth." Winston chimes in. "I was there when Mr. Wright manipulated his attorney to use forged evidence to save himself and convict Mr. Gavin. So if you want to punish my brother, you should also punish Mr. Wright."]

 

["I could spend hours discussing how Wright's use of forged evidence is entirely different, but I digress…" Edgeworth states as he adjusts his glasses. "Even when you utilize fake evidence and seriously stack trials in your favor, Gaspen, you still somehow manage to lose almost as often as your brother, who has never used questionable tactics even once during his career. In fact, after reviewing your work history for the last ten years, I discovered that you've actually lost more cases than him!" The maroon-cladded prosecutor exclaims. "How you two are still prosecutors after all of these years is beyond me."]

 

["Well…" Gaspen smirks.]


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

First you face us,

Then you don't.

Want a rematch?

We think you won't.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office. 

Facing rookies,

That's our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.


["Seriously?" Edgeworth asks with a look of disdain on his face. "Are your jobs really so challenging that you have to stoop that low?"]

["They are indeed that tough, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth…" Gaspen smirks as he taps his toupee.]


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

Tougher than anything you could know.


 

{Gaspen}

At the trial's start,

To its very end,


 

{Winston}

Bluffing attorneys,

Around every bend,

-

{Gaspen and Winston}

Eager to object,

Ruining your case while putting on a show.


 

{Gaspen}

If we don't do what we do,

Then how are we supposed to grow?


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

Every prosecutor in court's got to watch out for themselves.

We don't have loyal lackeys or assistants who'll help us excel,

When we're in the courtroom,

Where everyone makes our lives a living hell when they scream at us and yell! 

First you face us,

Then you don't.

Want a rematch?

We think you won't.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.

Facing rookies,

That's our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That's how we stick around,

That's how we stick around,

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office!


 

-

["I look forward to your next month's salary assessment." Edgeworth coldly states, not wasting any time or pulling any punches as he glowers at the younger Payne brother, prompting the toupee-wearing prosecutor to reel back in shock.]

 

["Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Gaspen shrieks as he sprints out of the courthouse while trying his hardest to keep his toupee from flying off his head.]

 

["Gaspen, wait for me!" Winston screams as he chases after his brother.]

 

[Not long after the Payne brothers flee from the courthouse, the police officer who had escorted Gaspen to the Chief Prosecutor speaks up.]

 

["Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, don't forget that you have an interview with a reporter in Defendant Lobby Two."]

 

["Thank you, officer. Hopefully, they won't be as much of a Payne to talk to." Edgeworth sneers with outstretched arms.]

 

Chapter Text

 

[Phoenix: "I just don't get it, Edgeworth, how you're now this… this coldhearted prosecutor who couldn't care less that he may be convicting innocent defendants and only care about winning! Why this drastic turnabout in character? You used to be such a good guy, who used to dream of being a defense attorney, just like your father!"]

*At the mention of Gregory Edgeworth, a pang flashes through the prosecutor, which he skillfully hides with his typical stoic air of ennui as the defense attorney earnestly continues.*

[Phoenix: "That boy who defended me all those years ago… where is he now? How did you come to be like this? What happened to you?"]

[Edgeworth: *clutches his arm and turns away* "Grow up Wright! It's been 15 years, and we're not 9-year olds anymore! People change. I've changed. Deal with it!"]

[Phoenix: *shakes his head mournfully* "If this is who you truly are now, Edgeworth, a man more obsessed with perfect conviction records than the truth, then I'm going to go home now and mourn the loss of that little boy I once knew - and the man I thought he'd become. See ya."]

*walks away sadly and exits through the courtroom doors, leaving the prosecutor alone in the hallway*

[Edgeworth: *steels his jaw* "Obviously Wright hasn't changed at all! He's still the same naïve, jejune simpleton he was as a schoolboy, preaching about this so-called "truth" of his… *sees a court officer goggling at him after witnessing the lawyers' exchange, and feeling flustered, subjects the poor man to his trademark glare* And just are you looking at, you fool?"

*Bailiff scampers off in terror from the Demon Prosecutor's deathly stare and Edgeworth sighs heavily as he pushes open the door to the empty men's room, staring at himself in the mirror*

[Edgeworth: "Yet another person swiftly judging me and mentally condemning me. I should be used to it by now. I've tried to convince myself I don't care what Wright, or anyone, thinks! So why does it hurt so damn much?"]


 

"Objections"
Sung to the tune of "Reflections" from
Disney's Mulan
(Christina Aguilera version)

 

 

[Edgeworth]

Gawk at me
You may think you know
What I truly am
But none see the true me


 

Was raised this way
Not born like this from the start


 

Such a shame
Few see past my mask
So I fall in role
And I'm forced to play the part


 

Who was I born to be?
Heir of the great Gregory?
When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?


 

What would Dad
Think of what I have
Now become?
Prosecutor Demon?


 

Thought to be
From the Netherworld
They don't know my heart
Or that it's all one big sham


 

Who was I born to be?
Heir of the great Gregory?
Why must my objections bare
A man I don't know?


 

All this time I'm dead inside
From these tears my heart has cried
When will my objections
Prove what I try to hide?


 

There's a part which no one sees
Deep inside
Dad would be so ashamed
And I know why


 

His legacy so long concealed
I am naught but a heel
All that he had ever been
I've gone and brushed aside


 

I don't defend man's crimes
I jail them for all time


 

When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?
When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?


 

[Edgeworth: *bangs his head softly against the glass* Oh, Father. What would you think of me now? Is there any validity to Wright's words? What are these unnecessary feelings of uncertainty and doubt that foolish man has reawakened within me?!"]

 

Chapter Text

 

"Inga's King of Khura'in"
Sung to the tune of "Petey's King of France" from Disney's
Mickey, Donald, and Goofy: The Three Musketeers

 

Some say I'm nasty and crass
That I'm rude, and an ass.
You wanna know why I'm a prick,
Here's my reason why:


 

After my marriage was forced,
Wifey yelled:

{Mocking Ga'ran's voice}
Why me?
He's such a bother!
Holy Mother,
His manhood's a little flea!


 

{Mocking Amara's voice}
Inga's brutish,
He's a slob,
He's an impious, foolish snob.


 

Shut up, in-law,
'Cause I'll claw,
To get what I want!


 

So I'm a jerk,
So I'm mean,
I'll be king,
And'll be seen!
You'll be dead,
After I overthrow that cantankerous queen!
Ha!


 

If ya can't be nice,
Be feared.
Don't take follies twice,
Have 'em speared.
Rule with an iron fist,
And you'll surely be revered.


 

I'm so excited,
I feel wise,
And with my spies,
I'll surely rise!


 

I'll pull the strings,
Give me nice things,
'Cause Inga's King of Khura'in!


 

I'll pull the strings,
Give me nice things,
'Cause Inga's King of Khuraaaaaaaaaa'in!


 

["Hey, why are you all laughing?!"]

 

Chapter Text

[The following singing witness testimony of one, Jean Armstrong, sole proprietor and chef of the restaurant Trés Bien, has been stricken from the court records of the State vs. Maggey Byrde trial by unanimous decree of His Honor, Jughead Chambers, The Prosecution, Defense Counsel and Detective in charge. This was due to the reasons of Mr. Godot nearly choking on his own hot beverage, Mr. Wright suffering insurmountable nausea, and Detective Gumshoe alarmingly declaring he’d never eat again, despite existing entirely on a diet consisting of nothing but Ramen noodles. This transcript is the only known remaining copy]


 

"Les Garçons"
Sung to the tune of "Les Poissons"
from Disney's The Little Mermaid

 

[Armstrong]

Les garçons, les garçons
How I love les garçons
Monsieur Wright, such a delightful dish!
Hair like midnight silk threads
Makes me shiver and moan
Oh oui, il est toujours délicieux


Les garçons, les garçons
Hee hee hee, hohn hohn hohn
Z'at Phoenix makes me rise, through and through!
Makes me quiver inside
Passions can't be denied
Forz'is 'andsome devil, oui it's true


Z'at Godot also whets zeez here palate
On him z'at visor seems so chic
Actions so macho yet so gallant
Those strong bones and that chin
Ah, z'at voice oh so nice
Makes z'is girl want to sin
And those lips that entice


Mon Dieu, I am not done!


Sacre bleu, what a diss!
How could I be remiss
Z'at grand homme, his muscles so fab
Dick Gumshoe what a man!
Heats me like a fry pan
Even though that trench coat is so drab!
All tres hommes fill my head
Would kick none out of bed!
But sadly I wish from afar
'Cause none of this lot seems at all hot to trot!
C'est dommage mes garçons
Baisers!


 

Chapter Text

 

"Can You Please Get Me a Stepladder?"
Sung to the tune of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?"

from Disney's Frozen


 [It's a regular day at the Anything Agency about six months after Apollo was hired and the young attorney is spending it sitting on the couch, reading over a case file for an upcoming trial when suddenly Trucy approaches him.]


 ["Hi, Polly! Can you do me a big favor?" Trucy asks, widening her eyes and smiling in an attempt to make herself look cuter.]


 

  ["Trucy, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to be a part of that new Flaming Coffin of Doom trick of yours? I don't care how important it is for your next show. I have a big trial tomorrow and I can't acquit my client if I'm burned to a crisp or sawed in half."  Apollo responds with a disgruntled tone, narrowing his gaze at the young magician.]


 

  ["I know that, Polly. That's why I decided to swap out that trick for the Balloon Animal Flurry one."]


 

["Then what favor are you asking me for?"  Apollo asks with a look of dread on his face.]


["Well, I can't do the Balloon Animal Flurry trick without my air pump, but I can't reach it." Trucy states, gesturing to a pump on a shelf that is much too tall for her to reach on her own. "So can you help out your favorite magician by getting me a stepladder?"]


 

  ["There's a regular ladder right outside in the hallway from when I was forced to paint the office a few days ago. Why don't you use that?"  Apollo suggests, prompting the young magician to burst into song.]


 {Trucy}

Polly,
Can you please get me a stepladder?
I need to reach the highest shelf.
You're my lovely assistant,
So go bring me one,
I can't do it by myseeelf!


 

You're my best friend,
But yet you hate stepladders,
And how they bend at the eeend!


 Can you please get me a stepladder?
They're the best kind of ladder.


  ["Trucy, I don't hate stepladders. I just don't want to bike halfway across town to the hardware store just to buy a more expensive version of a ladder that's right outside the office."  Apollo states, flashing the young magician a disgruntled look as she continues her song.]


 Can you please get me a stepladder?
They're a jack of all trades.
If you go get me one,
I'm sure you'll be popular with all the babes!


Would you be so cruel,
As to let me risk getting hurt,
While Igo get that toooool?


["Yes, Trucy, because women are naturally drawn to men who favor stepladders."  Apollo snidely replies with a roll of his eyes.]


["They sure are, Polly! Just look at Daddy." The young magician confidently states with a grin, tipping her hat slightly downwards. "Why, just last week, we went to the nearby cafe and the owner, Ms. Anita DeCaffie, told Daddy that he's, and I quote, 'a sexy DILF with bedroom eyes' and that she wouldn't mind seeing his stepladder. But then again, she probably wasn't talking about actual stepladders, but rather-"]


["I don't need or want to hear any more, Trucy." Apollo dishearteningly remarks as his 'horns' droop. "I don't care how many women think that Mr. Wright's attractive. I'm not buying you a stepladder, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind." The attorney sternly states, causing Trucy's demeanor to become much more serious as she hides her arms in her cloak, staring at him with her big blue eyes before proceeding to sing in a more threatening tone.]


 Polly,
Don't forget that I'm one of your bosses,
Someone who determines if here you stay.
So do whatever I say,
Or I'll severely cut your pay.
Just do iiit.


 We were glad to hire you,
But defy me and you'll be through.
The choice is up to yooou.
So, can you please get me a stepladder?


["Fine…"  Apollo sighs in resignation as he gets up from his seat and slowly trudges towards the door.]


 

["Yay! Thanks, Polly!"  Trucy chirps, enthusiastically waving at the forlorn attorney.]


 

 

Chapter Text

 

"Cruel World"
Sung to the tune of "Out There"

from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame


 

[DAHLIA]

Don't be a fool
I'll be explicit

Must trust no one and men especially are shitty
Your heart would never mend

I alone entrust you, need you, loves you
I who'll be here when you shed a tear
How can I convince you girl
This world's got monsters to be feared
You'll be safe here


[DAHLIA]

(spoken)
Never forget truths I've told you, dear sister

(sung)
You are worthless -


[IRIS]
{bows head in submission}

I am worthless


[DAHLIA]
And you are spineless


[IRIS]
And I am spineless


[DAHLIA]

Don't mean to be a bitch to you
My fragile kitty
I am your true godsend


[IRIS]
It's the truth you render


[DAHLIA]
In this cruel world, you're a lamb for slaughter


[IRIS]
I am helpless


[DAHLIA]
They'll use you and then spit on you and sneer


[IRIS]
For I am feeble


[DAHLIA]
Why succumb thyself to pain and degradation?
No fears here
Never betray me


[IRIS]
I'm loyal


[DAHLIA]
Trust none but me


[IRIS]
I trust you


[DAHLIA]
Nod and obey
Do as I say


[IRIS]
I'll pray


[BOTH]
In here


[IRIS, spoken]

You know what's best, my sister. I won't question you again


[DAHLIA, spoken]

You belong here. Remember, Iris. I'm not your adversary


[IRIS, spoken]

...My adversary...

{Stares after Dahlia as she leaves}


[IRIS]

As a shrine temple maiden, I spend my days alone
Praying that someday God will forgive me
Destined to perish up here until I'm an old crone
Trapped with all my memories of Feenie
Can't erase all those good times and places
Knowing how he'll never know it was me
Till I die I ponder if I'll always feel this way
Ever miss him, always love him


This cruel world let me meet The One
That warm smile of his, brighter than the sun
Forget him never


Cruel world,
Can't forget his loving stare
What I'd give
To be his girl
Yearn to stroke that spiky hair!


It's not just crooks and swindlers out there leading with their lives
To even out the odds goodwill must stem
It can't all be just murderers bearing their guns and knives
I believe in the goodness of all men
If I could be with him, it'd be worth all this cruel world's sins


A pure soul, to death I'd defend
No harm to come to one hair
Not even my twin can
Dahlia had best beware
My Sis to hell, I'd send!
Life's unfair, I'll repent
Had my chance
Came and went
Loved and sang
Danced and twirled
Found true bliss in this cruel world!

Chapter Text

 


"One Last Protégé"
(Sung to the tune of "One Last Hope" from Disney's
Hercules  by Marvin Grossberg to an earnest Mia Fey)

{Grossberg}

So you want to be a defense attorney, my girl?
Well, good for you.
I've had countless protégés over the years, many so smart and shrewd,
But trouble they avoid,
Like me with a nasty hemorrhoid.
So don't talk about your ideals with mirth,
Like you're Gregory Edgeworth,
Begging me to teach you my keys to success.
And to that, my answer is -


[However, before Grossberg could respond, Diego- from his desk- splashed him in the back of the head with a mug of scalding coffee, glowering at his superior when the obese man turned to face his subordinate.]

["Yes." Grossberg reluctantly stated, earning a grin and a nod from Diego.]

["Thank you, Mr. Grossberg!" Mia chirped with hope-filled eyes. "I promise that you won't regret this!"]


["Oy vey…" The portly attorney sighed with a slow shake of his head.]


{Grossberg}

I've lost hope of finding someone who's fierce like a dragon,
A lawyer who fills the gravy train,
Not the paddy wagon.
The kind that wins cases,
Earning high wages,
Putting shock on all the prosecutors' faces,
But no… I get a rookie shiksa.


I've been at this job for years and I'm getting bored,
Content to just sit back and enjoy the luxuries I can afford,
But you need a teacher,
A rabbi that's not a preacher,
A guy who can give you every feature,
And- Oy gevalt! My hemorrhoids are going mad like some creature!


I'll take one last protégé, and that'll be you,
But please don't make it a decision that I'll rue.
I've taught enough rejects,
Who don't have a clue.
You'll be my last protégé, so you better come through.


["Rule number one: No objection is complete without a strong finger-point. For example… Objection!" Grossberg proclaimed, thrusting his arm outwards in a pointing motion, the fatty appendage jiggling like gelatin. "Rule number two: when in doubt, bluff until you can't bluff anymore. If you're going lose, at least go down kicking. Rule number three…"]

["Belittle your loyal subordinate who brings in over a third of your law firm's revenue." Diego retorted before taking a sip of coffee from one of the numerous mugs on his desk.]

["That attitude isn't helping your case, Diego." Grossberg stated with a cold look"Now where was I…? Oh, right!"]


Attorneys face impossible odds,
And are treated like a joke.
Not to mention all the close calls that'll make you almost croak.
To be a good attorney, my girl, is quite the task,
You've got to hide your fear, like a face behind a mask.
It takes more than raw skill,
You need an iron-cladded will.
Not to mention a tireless work drive as you grow.
That kind of stuff.


I'm running low on energy and low on hemorrhoid cream,
So please hold all my teachings in high esteem.
You're my last hope, my girl,
So don't make me feel blue.
Always raise the bar,
Reach for the highest star.
You're my last chance, my girl, and it's all on youuu!
Yeah!

Chapter Text

 

"Can You Feel The Luck Tonight"
Sung to the tune of
"Can You Feel The Love Tonight"
from Disney's The Lion King
*Elton John Version*


 

"I'm so sorry, Dick, but no, I can't marry you." Maggey's eyes filled with tears as she gently pushed away the ring her longtime boyfriend had just presented her. "You know that I'm cursed! I have the worst luck in the entire world, and I refuse to succumb you to an entire lifetime of it! I love you too much!"

"There's no bad luck that our love can't fix!" Gumshoe insisted desperately. "Maggey, I know you've had some rough times, but things are different now! You're my lucky star – since we've been together, my life has only improved! I'm Chief of Police now, so I can actually afford Eldoon's noodles, not just no-name Ramen…"

"What if that's in spite of, not because of me?" She asked miserably. "Do you really want to take the risk that things won't somehow get worse, not better, if you align your life with mine, for all time?"

"That's not going to happen!" He vowed, taking her hand. "I know this, for a fact, because…"


[Gumshoe]

There's a rush of splendor when you look my way
And I feel I'm the luckiest man alive today
Goddess of Misfortune, nix clovers and horseshoes
This flatfoot is fortunate enough, just to be with you


And can you feel the luck tonight
Lady Luck, you are
No more jinx or curses for you
You're my shining star


And can you feel the luck tonight
No need for distress
Having you is a blessing from above
So lay those fears to rest


A change in fates has just begun
The past is now adjourned
Our joyful lives can be filled with hopes
Farewell to downturns


A lifetime, not a season, is how long I'll be yours
Take my hand and begin this voyage
Let our love take its course...


And can you feel the luck tonight
Lady Luck, you are
No more jinx or curses for you
You're my shining star


And can you feel the luck tonight
No need for distress
Having you is a blessing from above
Cuz you're the very best


 Having you is a blessing from above
Cuz you're the very best 


Maggey was openly weeping as he finished singing, her face buried in her hands, immediately alarming the poor man into halting all serenading and quickly gathering her sobbing form into his arms.

"Um, was my singing voice that bad?" Gumshoe nervously scratched his head with his free hand and awkwardly stroked her back while the love of his life continued to mewl incomprehensively into his chest, with no signs of stopping. "Honey? Are you alright?"

She lifted her head, and that was when he saw the radiant beam on her tear-drenched face. A huge surge of relief coursed through him as he realized that they weren't woeful tears, but ones of pure, unadulterated joy she'd been shedding all this time.

"Yes." Maggey choked, wiping her streaming eyes. "Yes, Dick. YES!"

"Yes… my singing was that bad? Or yes, you're alright?" Although hopeful, he didn't want to get his hopes up about what else she could possibly be affirming.

"Silly man! I loved your singing, yes, I'm alright! I'm more than alright since you just made sure to remind me that I'm truly the most blessed, ecstatic… the luckiest woman in the whole wide world!" She threw her arms around his neck and planted a huge kiss onto his lips. "YES, a thousand times yes, I'll marry you!"

"Whoooooop! Luck be a lady tonight indeed!" He cheered loudly, punching his fist in the air, then chuckled sheepishly as she started cracking up at his effusive response. "Sorry, I just had to! You've just made me the happiest man alive!"

"Then we're even." Her eyes glowed with love as he placed the ring onto her extended finger. "I've never been more deliriously happy, or more fortunate, in my entire life. Because I have you, Dick Gumshoe."

"We're both lucky, cuz we've found each other." He smiled tenderly down at her. "I love you so much, Margaret Charity Byrde."

She was already reaching up to draw his lips down towards her smiling ones.

"And I love you back, Richard Colombo Gumshoe."

Chapter Text

 

"The Hardcore Wocky Kitaki"
Sung to the tune of
"The Elegant Captain Hook" from
Disney's  Peter Pan


At Cee O'Cheets Elementary School playground, the fourth-graders are enjoying their recess- some kids are running around playing tag, some are playing catch, and others are pushing the socially awkward kid down the slide against their free will while repeatedly yelling 'Sacrifice!'

Though all of that comes to an end when a Mercedes-Benz with gold chrome alloy wheels that are blaring loud rap music stops in front of the school before Wocky and five men dressed in suits exit the vehicle and walk into the playground. Intrigued by these unusual people, the children stop what they're doing and form a circle around the visitors; at which point, one of the men takes out a boom box, places it on the ground, and turns it on as he and the others- with the exception of Wocky- start singing.


{Gangsters}

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

If you wanna be seen as tough,

Then you'll need to become a G.

So don't be a fool,

Instead be cool,

And work for Wocky Kitaki,

The world's most hardcore OG.


{Disgruntled Gangster}

Cocky,

Bossy,

Sticky, wimpy, and a big sissy,

I haven't met anyone who's more


[However, the man is cut off when one of the other larger, more muscular men hits him on the head with a small metal pipe, instantly knocking him out.]

["Right on, G." Wocky nods at pipe-wielding mobster.]


{Wocky}

I like you little guys, fo'shizzle,

So I've gotta deal for you.

If you join me and make it official,

I'll get ya cool tattoos.


[Wocky rolls up his sleeve to reveal a fake heart tattoo that's starting to flake off of his arm that reads 'Mom'.]


{Wocky}

It'll really boost your street cred!

But before you decide, this has to be said:

If ya refuse, my homies'll put a cap in yo head!

So what are ya gonna do?


{Gangsters}

So what are ya gonna do?

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

You'll be seen as the tough of the tough,

You'll get as rich as can be.

It's a whole lot of fun when ya make some noise,

Beatin' down punks with ya bizzzoys!

So sign up and you'll see,

Why you should join Wocky!


"Students, get back in the school! NOW!" A teacher- an overweight, middle-aged woman with curly brown hair- exclaims as she frantically escorts the children into the building.

"Mrs. Cherswick, who are those weird guys?" A little girl asks with a hint of panic in her voice.

"A reminder of why you should stay in school." The educator remarks, casting a brief glare at the mobsters. "Now I want you and all of your classmates to read Chapter 17 in history book while I call the police."

Once the playground is devoid of people, Wocky can't help but scream and slam his foot on the ground out of frustration.

"Damn! This be whack, fo'shizzle! First, the high-schoolers try to beat us up, then the middle-schoolers throw trash at us, and now this! Guess we gotta go even younger. Let's hit the preschool."

"Mr. Kitaki-" One of the gangers tries to talk with a tone and look of unease, only to be interrupted by his superior.

"Aw, hell nah! G, 'Mr. Kitaki's' what you call my withered-ass old man! Me, you refer to me by my gangsta name- OG Bling-Bling Crackshot! You readin' me, homes?" Wocky snarls, leaning forward with his hands on his hips as a show of dominance.

"Yes… OG Bling-Bling Crackshot." The gangster hesitantly replies as he awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. "Though as I was saying, aren't preschoolers a bit too young for our organization?"

"Don't you be dissin' them preschoolers, G. They can be hardcore as hell when they wanna be. One time, I tried to take a lollipop from some little kid- 'cause I'm gangsta like that'- and the little brat punched me right in ma bowling balls!" Wocky angrily retorted with crossed arms.

"Sorry I asked…" The gangster replied with an unimpressed look on his face.

"Don't sweat it, G. Just help the others load up the boom box and Flippin' Fred into the back of my whip. If we're quick, we may be able to get to the preschool right when snack time ends and the little bizzoys and girls are in a good mood."

"Yes, sir." The subordinate gangster replies as he and the others place their unconscious friend and the boom box in the back of the car before getting in themselves so they could be driven to their next location and further humiliated by the cringe-worthy son of their respectable boss.]

Chapter Text



"Out There I Would Be Free"
Sung to the tune of "A World Without Fences"
from Disney's Lady & The Tramp 2

 



Outside these walls
I could just be me
Explore the streets
Loose and running
I'd make friends my own age
If released from this cage
Leave all duties at home
Have my liberty


Out there I would be free
Farewell sovereignty
Amongst other children
Who'll bring out the kid in me
With my camaraderie
We'd play and laugh with glee
Out there I'd run and be free
All of Khura'in's what I long to see


This girl wants more
Than to pray all day
And do séance,
Like her mother
So many boring grownups
They all keep me restrained
So lonely in this palace
Princess birthright's my bane


A big world surrounds me
It's where I want to be
Out there I would be free
And goodbye royal decree!


To shed shackles of the monarchy
What a life that'd mean for me!
Out there I would be free
My pleeeeeea!

Chapter Text

 

"Poor, Pathetic Mooks"
Sung to the tune of "Poor, Unfortunate Souls"
from Disney's The Little Mermaid

 

[Seated behind his gaudy gold desk, Tigre is busy drawing a crude doodle of him stabbing Bruto Cadaverini with a knife on a loose sheet of paper, when suddenly…]

 

["What are you drawing, Don Tigre…?" Viola creepily whispers behind the loan shark's back, the warm air from her breath hitting the back of his neck.]

 

["D-Damn it, Viola!" Tigre growls, quickly tearing the paper to shreds. "Why youse always gotta go sneakin' up on me like some damn ghost all da time?!"]

 

["Sorry, Don Tigre… It's… just how I am… Hee… Hee… Hee…" The mobster giggles with a mischievous grin.]

 

["That don't make it any less creepy! Now whaddya want?" The loan shark snaps.]

 

["You've got… a client." Viola nods, prompting Jean Armstrong to nervously enter the office.]

 

["B-Bonjour, Monsieur Tigre." The pink-cladded chef sheepishly states, his eyes pointing to the ground. "My name iz Jean Armstrong, and I would like to borrow $500,000 for my restaurante."]

 

["Damn!" Tigre exclaims with a wide eyes. "What kinda food are youse servin', gold and caviar?"]

 

["Non, c'est Francais. I need zee money for zee decor and zee bath oils zat I give to zee customers to 'elp zem with their skin. For instance, given your complexion, I would say zat you need… une blend of tiger lilies et snapdragons."  Jean states with his rose in his mouth, holding up a blue bottle.]

 

["Gwoaaaaaaaaar! I ain't usin' no sissy ointment, ya damn puffball!" Tigre roars.]

 

["Pardon moi, Monsieur Tigre!" Jean shrieks like a little girl, wasting no time in getting the detested bath oil out of the temperamental loan shark's sight. "But vill you 'elp me with zee matter of zis loan?"]

 

[Upon hearing this question, Tigre scowl turns to a grin before he begins singing.]


 

[Tigre]

I admit my business may seem a bit seedy,
Dey ain't kiddin' when dey say I'm with da Mob.
But you'll see I ain't nothin' like 'em at all,
Understandin', calm of temper, and a bit of a heartthrob.
It's true, see?


And I've got oodles of cash,
My talents give me plenty of dat.
And lately, lucky for you,
I use it to help those who are desperate, hopeless, and have fallen flat,
Ya dig?


 

Poor, pathetic mooks,
At my door, in need. Pah!
Dat one wants to be a rebel,
Dat one's got gambling debts,
And do I help 'em? Hell yeah!


 

Those poor, pathetic mooks,
So unfortunate, so sad.
Dey come flockin' to my office,
Beggin', "Money, Tigre, please!"
And I say to dem,
"Hell yeah, comrade!"


 

Now, sometimes there's a little threat,
Where some mook can't pay their debt,
And I had ta dig into dem with my hooks.
Yeah, there's the occasional grumble,
But for de most part I'm quite humble,
To those poor, pathetic mooks.


 

["Ok Pinky, I'll give youse dat half a million for dat restaurant of yours…" Tigre states with a toothy grin.]

 

["Merci, Monsieur Tigre! Merci!" Jean joyfully proclaims. "But I vhat if I am unable to pay you back? Vhat if zee customers do not appreciate zee improvements I vill make with zee money?"The chef asks, his expression becoming forlorn.]

 

["I was just gettin' ta dat." The orange loan shark chuckles, lightly patting his client on the cheek. "See, if youse can't pay off your loan, I'll simply have youse do a couple of … favors for me."]

 

["Monsieur, I will not do zee murdering or zee stabbing or zee like!" Jean objects with a scowl on his face, puffing out his chest and moving his torso back and forth in some disturbing dance. "I 'ave seen zee movies, and I vill not grind up your enemies and make them into une delicieuse dish and 'ave one of
your rivals eat them! Pourquoi, I 'ave only just gotten zee 'ealth inspector to get off my back about zee rat meat I used to make my lobster bisque!"]

 

["First off, Viola, remind me never to eat anything at dat guy's joint." Tigre states with a disgusted look on his face, to which his assistant nods in agreement. "And second, I ain't plannin' on doing nothin' like dat. See, I just need a place I can use as a second base of operations for meetings, killin' people, hidin corpses, and da like. So, whaddya say? We gotta deal?"]

 

["I… I do not know, Monsieur Tigre… I-I don't know if I can bring myself to allow those kinds of activities in my restaurant. And vhat if zee customers find out zat I got 'elp from a loan shark?"]

 

[Once again, the loan shark decides to respond to the pink-cladded chef's question by singing.]


 

[Tigre]

The customers don't care where you get da money,
As long as da food's up to snuff.
Yeah, as long as you got dat,
In your seats their asses'll be sat,
And ain't your money situation been rough?


 

Ain't no one gives a damn about ethics,
People go around 'em whenever dey can!
But nobody will snub,
Da restaurant with da best grub,
And everyone will be your biggest fan!


 

C'mon, ya poor, pathetic mook!
Be a man! Roll da dice!
See, I'm a very busy guy,
Who ain't got all day.
It won't cost much,
Yourservitude'll suffice!


 

Ya poor, pathetic mook,
It's business,
It's textbook.
If ya wanna take a gamble, fruitcake,
Ya can't be a wimp and retract,
Scratch a back and get scratched back,
So sign da damn contract!
Viola, Bruto Punchin' Bag,
I got him bagged!
I'm so freakingtaaaaact!

Dis poor, patheticmooooooook!


 

[Viola hands Jean a contract, which he proceeds to sign with a nearby pen as Tigre laughs maniacally.]

 

Chapter Text

 "One Leap Before"
Sung to the tune of "One Jump Ahead"
from Disney's Aladdin


 [Ron:]
Gotta be
One leap before the creditors
One day ahead of due date
I steal stuff the wife would approbate
And that's everything!


One leap before all the flatfoots
My life of crime's no joke
Dessie, can't discover that I'm broke!


 [The Fuzz:]
Burglar!
Bandit!
Rascal!
Take that!


 [Ron:]
Just a few gemstones boys


[The Fuzz:]
Cuff him now and lock him up boys!


 [Ron:]
Gotta face the truth. Need to pay my bills.
Doing it all for love, it's true!


 [The Fuzz:]
For Who?


[Gumshoe:]
It's Mask DeMasque who's struck now once again
He's become a one-man rise in crime


[Godot]:
I'd claim lack of scruples but he's got none


[Ron:]
Thief against my will
Gotta steal for wife
If they catch me I'll be doing time!


 One leap ahead of the Popo
One step ahead cuz they're slow
Next time I'll pick an alias less known!


One leap before all the lawmen
Hair's breadth ahead of the cops
I'll catch my breath once around this block!


 [The Fuzz:]
Stop crook!
Pilferer!


 [Ron:]
Sorrrrrrrry!


 [The Fuzz:]
Chiseler!


 [Ron:]
All so quick to judge me


["Ace Detective"]
Don't forget about Luke Atmey


 [Ron:]
Gotta face the truth, gotta pay my bills
Doing it all for love, it's true!


[The Fuzz:]
Screw you!


 [Ron:]
One leap before all the sirens


[The Fuzz:]
Criminal!


 [Ron:]
One skip ahead of the chumps


 [The Fuzz:]
Looter!


 [Ron:]
If caught it'll be a disaster


[The Fuzz:]
Pirate!


 [Ron:]
They're fast, thank God I'm faster


 [The Fuzz:]
Robber!


 [Ron:]
Geronimo!
Gotta take this chancy!
Final flight of fancy!
All I gotta do is… JUMP!

 

Chapter Text

 


"Surgeon!"
Sung to the tune of "Dentist!" from
the smash musical, 
Little Shop of Horrors

 

[In an operating room in the Grey Surgical Clinic, an olive-skinned woman with her raven hair styled in a large bun, wearing a rather revealing navy blouse and a matching skirt that shows off a generous amount of leg, is laying on a surgical table with her arms and legs restrained by several leather straps.]

 

["You don't know how much I appreciate you guys being able to squeeze me in on short notice!" The woman sighs in relief, looking over at the nurse, Mimi Miney, who's filling out some paperwork on a clipboard. "I noticed just this morning that I had a wrinkle on my face and was freaking out because I have to be on set in a few hours to give this week's forecast; but I can't go on camera looking like some old, worn leather glove."]

 

["Don't mention it, Ms. Daye. Dr. Grey always goes on and on about how he'd love to have the honor of treating local weather legend, Renee Daye, in his clinic. So the second he heard that you needed to schedule an appointment, he cleared his entire morning so he could focus all of his attention on giving you the treatment that you deserve,"  Mimi warmly responds with a grin, hiding the slightest touch of contempt in her voice.]

 

["Aw, he didn't go and do that" Renee sighs in an obviously fake guilty tone. "I just need a little Botox and I'll be as good as new!"]

 

["Well, why don't you tell him that, because here he comes now?" Mimi states as she hears the loud, stomping footsteps of her boss.]

 

[Suddenly, Turner Grey bursts into the room with a crazed look in his eyes and a maniacal, toothy smile on his face before closing the door behind him and proceeding to sing.]


{Grey}

When I was a kid, I was often feared,

'Cause my hobbies were seen as gross and weird,

Like cutting open the family cat,

Dissecting the brain of many a rat,

And stitching together corpses that were bug-infested.

But that's when my mother suggested…


["W-What did she suggest?" Renee nervously asks with terror-filled eyes.]


{Grey}

She suggested, "My son, I really feel,

You can get paid a lot for your undying zeal."

You'll be a surgeon!

(Be a surgeon!)

You have an unrivaled passion for anatomy!

(Anatomy!)

Son, be a surgeon,

(Be a surgeon!)

People will praise you so happily!

You're too hotheaded for psychology,

And chiropracty is a farce not worth your time.

Son, be a surgeon,

You'll be truly sublime.


{Mimi}

Here he is, lady, my psychopath boss,

Works me all day without a break, that asshole director.

He may be renowned, but you should stay clear of him,

For who wants to be operated on by Hannibal Lecter?


["Wait! Why is that nurse holding a buzz saw?!" Renee shrieks upon seeing the power tool that Mimi has just taken out of a cabinet filled with similar devices, wriggling on the table in a fruitless attempt to free herself from her restraints.]

["Because she's too stupid to give it to me! Nurse! Saw! Now!" Turner yells, impatiently flexing his fingers.]

["I don't get paid enough for this." Mimi exasperatedly grumbles under her breath as she hands the mad doctor his surgical tool.]

["Good. Now get ready, Daye, because here I come!" Turner exclaims with a toothy grin and a deranged look in his eye as he turns on the buzz saw, slowly approaching his victim with a sinister laugh.]


{Grey}

I am your surgeon,

(A deranged one.)

And my livelihood will keep you nice and mute!

(Hates you.)

I am your surgeon,

(Who's a nutcase.)

And I'll avenge my nice $1,500 suit!

(He values it more than his staff.)

I'm giddy when a patient's on my table!

(Table.)

I don't care if people think I'm mentally unstable!

(It's true.)

And although my patients may be traumatized to a degree,

(Degree.)

Somewhere, somewhere in Heaven,

While she's complaining to God, my mother's smiling down on me!


["Right, Mother?" Turner asks, turning to a picture hanging on the wall of a woman with long brown hair with a raised fist who greatly resembles him before grabbing an anesthetic mask, putting it on Renee's face, and turning on the gas.]


{Grey}

'Cause I'm a surgeon and everyone likes me!


["Now sleep!" Turner angrily commands.]

 

["No!" Renee screams, violently shaking her head.]

 

["I said sleep!"]

 

["No…!" The weather girl repeats, this time weaker and with much less motion.]

 

["I said SLEEP!" The mad doctor roars while holding up his clenched hand like some deranged claw.]

 

["No…." Renee weakly mumbles, her eyes growing heavier and heavier until she's finally unconscious.]

 

["Now let's begin the operation!" Turner proclaims with sadistic giddy and a grin to match.]

Chapter Text

  “Now Let’s Do This!”
Sung to the tune of

“We Can Do It”
From the 2005 musical flick
The Producers


"It's so nice of you and Miss Maya to come by and visit Daddy so often since he lost his badge, Pearl," Trucy remarked as she led the 9-year-old spirit medium up the stairs to her room, leaving Phoenix and Maya murmuring between themselves on the couch in the Wright Talent Agency offices, below.

The little magician's voice dropped into a confidential whisper as the two girls got to the top of the staircase, then lingered. The two chums peered over the railing at the spirit medium and recently disbarred ex-attorney, who were sitting knee-to-knee together on the couch while the raven-haired beauty murmured something inaudible into Phoenix's ear.

"Daddy sure could really use the extra company! He's been so down ever since, and it's really hard to cheer him up when he goes into one of his blue spells…."

Suddenly, the spiky-haired man let out a loud burst of laughter. Maya had snatched the aqua beanie off his head and proceeded to play an impromptu game of "keep away" with it, forcing him to laughingly begin chasing her around the office.

"Give that back, Maya! I didn't comb my hair today!"

"You'll get this hat back when you shave, then agree to let me take you out for a burger for a change, Old Man!" Maya teased as she effortlessly ducked and dodged his futile lunges for his beanie. "No objecting! I owe you! But there's no way I'm going out with you in public with you looking like such a dishevelled -hobo!"

Trucy blinked in astonishment at hearing the alien sound of her father's continued chuckling as the two adults continued their child's play below, apparently having forgotten that their daughters were only one floor above.

"OK, never mind!" She smiled happily, quickly recovering from her surprise. "It looks like a visit from Miss Maya was just what Daddy needed to get out of that funk!"

"Of course it was!" Pearl was beaming from ear to ear as her familiar, starry-eyed expression flickered across her face. "It makes perfect sense that Mystic Maya is the only one that can make Mr. Nick happy again! They are Special Someone's, you know!"

"They are? I didn't know that!"

The flummoxed Trucy peeked over the railing again, noting that Phoenix had now tackled the giggling Maya onto the couch. However, the beanie remained stubbornly in her hand, so he was now resorting to tickling her mercilessly in order to get her to relinquish her grip.

"I've got you now, Miss Hat Thief! Say Uncle!"

"Never!"

Trucy shook her head in wonder.

"All Daddy said to me was that she used to be his assistant and they were simply friends!"

"Best friends! And well… technically… they're Special Someone's… in denial," Pearl admitted as she bit her thumb. "It's been so obvious to me for some time that they love each other… They just won't admit it out loud!"

"That's too bad. They do seem pretty happy together," Trucy mused. "Plus, Miss Maya is super pretty – and so nice to both of Daddy and me! She would be the perfect New Mommy if she married him!"

An unexpected gleam suddenly sparked in Pearl's doe eyes.

"Do you really think so, too, Trucy?" She asked eagerly. "That Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick are perfect together in every way and that they belong together?"

"Well, I don't know if I could go that far – yet. After all, I've only known Daddy just a few months," Trucy began slowly, a wary expression coming over her face as a conspiratorial grin flickered across her friend's innocent features. "And to be fair, I have only met you and Miss Maya just a handful of times…"

Pearl scowled at this, and the amiable illusionist hastily attempted to backpedal.

"I mean, it's obvious that Daddy cares a lot for both of you!" Trucy amended quickly. "And he definitely seems to be his most cheerful when you guys are around! I love him a whole bunch, and I'd want him to be that way all the time, so sure, it'd be great if those two got together! But if they're both too chicken to admit how they really feel, unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it…"

"That's where you're 100% wrong!"

Pearl grabbed the top-hatted girl by the hand and dragged her down the hall to Trucy's bedroom. Shutting the door behind them, she turned towards Phoenix's daughter and rubbed her hands together deviously.

"Now that I know I have a partner in crime to assist me in this operation, getting those two together will easy breezy lemon squeezy!"

"Partner in crime?" Trucy gaped at her new friend. "Pearl, what in Houdini's name are you talking about?!"

"Sit back and listen to my grand master plan of the great Ace Matchmakers: Operation Get Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya Together!"

The precocious spirit medium stretched out her arms and began giddily twirling around the room.

in Pearl’s doe eyes.

“Do you really think so, too, Trucy?”  She asked eagerly. “That Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick are perfect together in every way and that they belong together?”

“Well, I don’t know if I could go that far – yet. After all, I’ve only known Daddy just a few months,” Trucy began slowly, a wary expression coming over her face as a conspiratorial grin flickered across her friend’s innocent features. “And to be fair, I have only met you and Miss Maya just a handful of times…”

Pearl scowled at this, and the amiable illusionist hastily attempted to backpedal.

“I mean, it’s obvious that Daddy cares a lot for both of you!”  Trucy amended quickly. “And he definitely seems to be his most cheerful when you guys are around! I love him a whole bunch, and I’d want him to be that way all the time, so sure, it’d be great if those two got together! But if they’re both too chicken to admit how they really feel, unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about it…”

“That’s where you’re 100% wrong!” 

Pearl grabbed the top-hatted girl by the hand and dragged her down the hall to Trucy’s bedroom. Shutting the door behind them, she turned towards Phoenix’s daughter and rubbed her hands together deviously.

“Now that I know I have a partner in crime to assist me in this operation, getting those two together will easy breezy lemon squeezy!”

Partner in crime?” Trucy gaped at her new friend. “Pearl, what in Houdini’s name are you talking about?!”

“Sit back and listen to my grand master plan of the great Ace Matchmakers: Operation Get Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya Together!”

The precocious spirit medium stretched out her arms and began giddily twirling around the room.


  [PEARL, spoken]

Don't you see, Truce, darling Truce?

Glorious Truce, it's so simple!

Rule One! We convince them that they’re both smitten

Rule Two! We commit to this and don’t back down

Rule Three! We’re the two Ace Matchmaker Daughters!


 [TRUCY, spoken]

Two?


  [PEARL, spoken]

Yup! One is me, one is you! We’re gonna work those two as a pair!

Rule Four! We only retire once Mystic Maya is Mr. Nick’s fiancée!

And before I can say Rule five, it’ll come the day they’re wed and we 3 girls become his loving trio!


 [TRUCY, spoken]

Trio?! This is all berserk!


  [PEARL, spoken]

Not if you pull your weight!


 [PEARL sings]

This quest you’ll embark, cuz it’s a New Mommy that you seek!

This won’t take much scheming, or create havoc to be wreaked!

I’ve watched them for years! The attraction is already there!

There’s no need to be scared!


 [TRUCY, spoken hesitantly]

Well…then…OK…


  [PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this, me and you

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

We’ll play Cupid for those two

The New Mommy that you’ve wanted and for me a brand new Dad!

Dutiful girl – you just leave this to Pearls!

Stop obsessing and distressing Truce, there’s joy to be had!


 Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

Trust me this is gonna work!

Now let’s do this

Don’t be remiss

If you did, you’d be a jerk!


 Hi New Family!

Yes, New Family!

I swear you can trust this smirk!

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

And this is no time to shirk!

Are you in, Truce?


 [TRUCY]

So, am I in? Finally a chance to have a new family?

So, am I in? Finally a chance to have a new Mommy and sister?

So am I in?

So am I in?

Here's my answer, as it were!


 [TRUCY]
*shakes her head*

 

Let’s not do this

Let’s not do this

Let’s not do this! Too risky!

Zak’s a gambler

So I’m leery

What if things blow up on me?!

Other Dad’s made me a chicken

If we fail we can’t backtrack!

Can’t be dutiful girl and just count on you, Pearls

It’s hard for me to be trusting so cut me some slack!


 [PEARL] 
 *snarls and rolls up her sleeve*

Why you distrustful, gloomy-Gus, cowardly buzz-killer!

Do you wanna let this gold chance pass us by?!

Don't you want everyone happy? See a fairytale end to this story?


    [PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

All you need is to exhale!

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

We’ll succeed if we prevail!

Come on Trucy! Can't you see...?     


 [TRUCY]

OK, Pearly! OK!

Prove me wrong! I’ll play along!

I’ll trust you! Hope this ship won’t sink

But take a look, I'm slightly shook

I’ll pray for luck that we won’t fall flat!

*groans*

I say:

Let’s not do this!


 [TRUCY]

You see trio, I see fail!


[PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this.


 [TRUCY]

Let’s not do this

Let’s not, let’s not, let’s not, let’s not do this


 [TRUCY]

Cuz disaster will prevail!


[PEARL]
*claps her hands against her cheeks*

Now let’s do this

It’ll be a fairytale!


 [TRUCY]

*facepalms*

We’re gonna fail!

 

Chapter Text

 


"The Phantom"
Sung to the tune of "Danny Phantom"
series theme song

 

(He's the Phantom.)
(The Phantom, the Phantom, the Phantom.)


Detective Bobby Fulbright, he was 32,
When his life would end out of the blue,
Killed in his sleep by a person whose face no one knew.
(He'll deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom.)


When the crime was done, nary a person wondered,
Allowing the killer to create a mask without blunder,
Donning the detective's old clothes,
A new Bobby Fulbright up and rose.
(The Phantom, the Phantom.)


When Bobby returned to work, no one realized,
He couldn't feel a thing, and had no soul in his eyes.
He had no morals, fears, and could brutalize,
He was best when forced to improvise.
He had to stop his identity from being a topic to discuss,
And keeping his crimes a secret was a plus,
So he's here to trick every one of us!


He'll deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom,
Deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom,
Deceive everyone 'cause he's,
(The Phantom.)

Chapter Text

 "Yo, Yo Neo Olde Tokyo"
Sung to the tune of the

"Go Go Power Rangers"
2017 Movie Theme Version


 

He's got super samurai strength
To knock out evil dorks
She's got fight skills to kick your sad
Ass out the door
Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


They know against all evil forces they must stand
They know that Evil Magistrate fool don't stand a chance
Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


 


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!


"Maya!" Phoenix groaned in exasperation as he clapped a hand to his face. "It's bad enough you make me sit through this with you every week, but must you sing along that inane theme song, too? You know those aren't the actual lyrics!"


Maya puffed out her cheeks in indignation as she chucked a sofa cushion at him.


"Well, they should be! You'd think with me being the inspiration for the darn Pink Princess, that my suggested lyrics would have automatically won their theme song contest!"


"You're never going to forgive Edgeworth for spearing that victory away from you with his winning entry, are you?" He teased, only to be rewarded with a baleful glare, along with another hurled couch pillow, this time right in the kisser.


"Very funny, Nick! Edgeworth's song sucks! Can we not agree that 'Ho-Ho, Steel Samurai Ho!' is lamer than a three-legged horse?!"


"I'd agree to anything that'll make you stop committing assault with a fluffy weapon!"


"If I had a real rapier like the Pink Princess right about now, you'd be so dead, Old Man!"

Chapter Text

 "You Know from Me "
Sung to the tune of "Unknown from M.E"
theme by Knuckles
from Sonic the Hedgehog game

 

[It was a slow day at the Prosecutor's Office, so Simon decided to spend it reading a case file for an upcoming trial in his office, which was an otaku' paradise- several rows of shelves filled to full capacity with mangas, a suit of samurai in the back corner of the room, a bonsai tree in a decorative Japanese pot placed next to Taka's perch, where the hawk casually stood with its gaze fixed on the office's entrance, and much more.]

[However, Simon's day of easy reading was interrupted by Sebastian bursting into the office with a piece of paper in his hand,]

["Mr. Blackquill, Mr. Blackquill! I've got something really awesome to show you!"  Sebastian proudly stated as he marched over to his co-worker's desk, prompting the Twisted Samurai to spin his chair around so that his back was turned to the naïve prosecutor.]

["I swear, Deworste, if it's another chapter of that 'Cory in the House' fanfic you've been writing, Taka will hallow out your head for a new nest and use that story for lining."]

["Don't you worry, Mr. Blackquill. This isn't a fanfic. I've been having Klavier proofread those since he was a rock star and knows what's cool."]

["In that case, what do you want to show me?"  Simon asked as he turned his chair back around so he could stare at Sebastian's smiling face.]

["You see, I was searching the internet and I noticed that nearly everyone has a 'Sonic' OC- Mr. Edgeworth, Kay, that weird spiky-haired guy who Mr. Edgeworth won't tell me the name of, and pretty much everyone else we know. But no matter how much I looked, I couldn't find one for you."]

["No."  Simon said as his eyes started to widen.]

["Heck, even I have an OC- Sting the Eel, a cool guy who fires lightning from his hands, plays the saxophone, and wears lots of leather."]

["Deworste, please tell me you didn't…"]

["What? Create an awesome OC for you? Because luckily for you, that's just what I did. Just take a look at this sexy yeast!"  Sebastian smirked as he placed the paper he was holding onto the desk and slid it over to his coworker.]

[Simon was a man who praised himself for being able to control a situation, using his knowledge of psychology that he learned from his sensei to hide his feelings while also subtly manipulating others to do what he desired. However, upon seeing the drawing, if one could even call it that, he was at a complete loss for words. But could anyone blame him?]

[Before the Twisted Samurai was a picture of Storm the Albatross from the 'Sonic Riders' games- a large, hulking, grey creature one could easily mistake for a yeti if not for the yellow beak on his face. However, unlike most OCs which had at least a shred of creativity to them, this one had absolutely none, taking a standard picture of Storm- grey color, yellow gloves, and blackish-grey shoes- and merely adding a sloppy-made black coat that was probably done with the paintbrush tool in Microsoft paint, a white streak on the top of his head, and two little black triangles underneath his eyes on his beak.]

["Isn't he Debeste OC you've ever seen?"  Sebastian asked with a smug grin.]

["Yes… at being garbage."  Simon jeered before crumpling the picture up into a ball and throwing it in his trashcan, which oddly enough had the stern face of a red-eyed guy with short, semi-spiky black hair taped to it. "What the bloody hell is that thing supposed to be?"]

["That's Jailrush the Pigeon."  Sebastian stated with a shaky voice. "He… He went to jail for a crime he didn't do, so he fought to save his reputation by using his job as a prosecutor to catch the real criminal, just like you."]

["Jailrush the Pigeon… JAILRUSH THE PIGEON!?"  Simon snarled, leaning forward as he pressed his hand against his chest. "What kind of name is Jailrush? What is he, some edgy teen who thinks he's sooo deep?"]

["I-I'm sorry, Mr. Blackquill…"  Sebastian whimpered as he bent his baton, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. "I was just trying to make him cool like all the other 'Sonic' OCs."]

["The phrase 'cool 'Sonic' OC' is an oxymoron, Deworste. Have you ever seen the 'Sonic' fan base? They actually make you look semi-competent by comparison. Though what baffles me more than you actually thinking that I like this is why, of all creatures, you chose a pigeon. Granted, I know that even a nitwit like you could see that I have an affinity for birds, but I am a noble hawk, or at the very least a penguin."]

["Storm and Jet were the only guy birds I could find in the Sonic cast, so I went with Storm because he's tough like you. Plus, you have a lot in common with pigeons- they live in cities, you live in L.A.; they flock around people, you deal with lots of people every day; and the biggest one: both you and they get pretty assertive when you want something. But don't you worry, Mr. Blackquill, I didn't make Jailrush a moron. After all, he is one of Debeste OCs ever made. Did you see the black triangles under his beak?"  Sebastian smirked as he tapped his baton to his hand. "Well, those were tear marks. You see, in prison, Jailrush cried a lot and never bothered to wipe his eyes. Isn't that deep, Mr. Blackquill?"]

["As deep and dark as the hole I want to bury you in,"  Simon wryly retorted as he picked up the case file that he was previously reading. "Now please leave me office so that I can resume reading my case file and get the horrible taste that you and that OC have left in my mouth."]

["Don't be so tasty, Mr. Blackquill. Why, once you hear Jailrush's theme song, I'm sure you'll just love him!"]

["You… You seriously wrote a song for that thing?"  Simon groaned as he facepalmed himself.]

["Yes, after all, I am Debeste. I based it off of Knuckles' theme song, so I named it 'You Know' because you know who the character is, you know?"  Sebastian said with a wink, as if he was under the delusion that he was somehow being mysterious. "And it goes like this…"]


 I don't chat much,

Small talk's nothing but a bother,

Doesn't matter,

'Cause I'm stronger with honor.

The name's Jailrush,

But unlike Edgeworth, I've never gushed,

Never revealed my fandoms and blushed.


I'm cold as steel,

Makes my foes flee and squeal,

Psychology helps me troll like it's no big deal.

Unlike other prosecutors, I'm not in it for pride,

First goal, find the truth, don't let criminals hide.


Born with the spirit of a samurai,

The blood of the peekaboo flows inside me.

I live to protect the daughter of my sensei,

From any and all danger and harm.

Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


Anime, sarcasm, and duty,

Are the three things that help keep me alive.

I march to the beat of my own drum,

No one can clip this bird's feathers.


Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

I shall fight to make the world safe so Athena can thrive.

Even when I'm chained,

Nothing can stop my peerless drive.


I don't chat much,

Small talk's nothing but a bother,

Doesn't matter,

'Cause I'm stronger with honor.

The name's Jailrush,

But unlike Edgeworth, I've never gushed,

Never revealed my fandoms and blushed.


I'm cold as steel,

Makes my foes flee and squeal,

Psychology helps me troll like it's no big deal.

Unlike other prosecutors, I'm not in it for pride,

First goal, find the truth, don't let criminals hide.


Nothing shall pierce my hardened armor.

I don't need help, but I won't refuse it.

I'll work with you for a short time,

Just don't think that I'll hold your hand forever.


Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

Sometimes you must go down if you want to come out on top.

Even when I'm chained,

I will stand tall and proud.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

I shall fight to make the world safe so Athena can thrive.

Even when I'm chained,

I will fight. 


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

Sometimes you must go down if you want to come out on top.

Even when I'm chained,

I will stand tall and proud. 


The toughest prosecutor in town with long hair,

Honed in prison, surrounded by despair.

Hey, hey, it's Jailrush,

Always there,

My wit you should beware.

If I see you full of hot air,

I'll give you the coldest glare.

I was born a loner,

I don't need a friend.

I work independently,

And when I'm done, I leave.


 

["So, what do you think? Pretty cool, right?"  Sebastian smirked, completely oblivious to the look of disgust on his coworker's face.]

["Deworste…"  Simon sighed in exasperation, lowering his head and taking a few deep breaths to keep himself from leaping over his desk and assaulting the naïve prosecutor. "I've heard so many idiotic comments come out of that big mouth of yours, but that song has taken the cake."]

["But I tried really, really hard on it!"  Sebastian pathetically retorted, bending his baton as tears streamed down his cheeks. "Kay said that SHE liked it!"]

["That's because Raven Hood was trying to be nice to you since you're her friend. That, and she has horrible tastes if her love of 'Jammin' Ninja' is of any indication. For instance, you said that I-"]

["Jailrush."  Sebastian interjected, earning a sharp glare from his coworker.]

["Yes, Jailrush…"  Simon growled with a tone of pure venom. "Has 'the blood of the peekaboo'. What is that even supposed to mean?"]

["You see, I heard a lot of people calling you that since you love anime and Japan so much, so I figured that it would fit well."]

["You bloody git…"  Simon grumbled under his breath as he facepalmed himself. "The term is 'weeaboo', not peekaboo. And even if you used the term correctly, you would still be horribly wrong since a weeaboo refers to someone who is so obsessed with Japanese culture that they disregard their own and only serve to make Japanese enthusiasts look bad; whereas I am an otaku, someone who appreciates the Japanese culture for its rich history, colorful folklore, and mysterious traditions while keeping in touch with my own. That's why I know over 50 Rakugo stories by heart while also being able to respond to you with the dry, cutting wit made famous by my English heritage."]

["That's weird…"  Sebastian said as he cocked his head to the side out of confusion, prompting Simon to roll his eyes.]

["I know that I'm probably going to regret asking this, but why, pray tell, is that?"]

["I don't know."  Sebastian shrugged his shoulders before holding is arms out in front of him and making a frame with his hands. "I just figured that peekaboo made more sense than weeaboo since you like Pikachu. I mean, I know that the Wii is from Japan, but doesn't Pikachu make more sense since its anime? And for that matter, since I like the DS, does that make me a DS-aboo?"]

["I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."  Simon curtly replied before getting out of his seat and walking towards the door.]

["Classic Jailrush…"  Sebastian smirked as Simon passed by him, prompting the Twisted Samurai to scowl at his inculpable coworker.]

["That abomination that you call a character is nothing like me."]

["Yeah he is! 'Cause you're done, so you're leaving, just like the lyrics in 'You Know'!"  Sebastian stated with his arms spread out and his baton held up proudly.]

["Poor, naïve Deworste…"  Simon smirked as he tapped his forehead. "There's one thing that I do that Jailrush doesn't."]

["And what's that?"  Sebastian asked with an innocent smile.]

[Upon hearing that question, Simon put two fingers to his mouth and pierced the air with a high-pitched whistle, prompting Taka to fly off his perch and dive-bomb the culpable prosecutor.]

["Help me, Mr. Blackquill! Tell Taka to stop attacking me!"  Sebastian wailed as the hawk proceeded to claw and peck at him.]

["Sorry, Deworste, don't think that I'll hold your hand forever."  Simon chuckled as he walked out of his office, leaving his crying coworker alone with his feathered friend.]

 

Chapter Text

 "(One Final) Hurrah"
Sung to the tune
of the video game theme
"(One More Last) Fist Bump"
from Sonic Forces video game


 

 

Like Datz said – they're all counting on me. Yup, no pressure there, at all!

The red attorney felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. Oh, Holy Mother, just what had he gotten himself into?! There was more than just Dhurke's honor on the line here – his whole life was on the line! And even worse, he'd allowed his boss to risk his neck to the scaffold as well! Assuming they didn't execute Apollo first, Maya would send him on a one-way ticket to hell herself for being responsible for the death of her not-so-secret boyfriend!

"The fate of the Revolution and every Khura'inese rests on this trial!"

Apollo felt his horns droop as the Defiant Dragon's closing words floated back to his ears. To make matters worse, if that were even possible, was the anxious way Athena was now staring at him, her heart in her beautiful tear-filled blue eyes, belying the need for any spoken words.

What if he never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to him? That he felt the exact, same way, too, and always had – however depending on the fate of this case, their relationship could be drastically cut short – and over before it even began?!

"The trial will begin shortly, Apollo," Phoenix smiled reassuringly, as though reading his mind. "Let's make our way into the courtroom."

"Right!"

Apollo tried to inject as much bravado in his voice as possible, then did his best to smile bravely as he returned the sniffling redhead's suffocating hug goodbye.

Meanwhile, the whimpering Maya threw all discretion to the wind and fervently kissed Phoenix right on the lips. The couple remained in a lingering embrace for several drawn-out moments before the yellow attorney gently took her arm and ushered them to towards the packed gallery area.

After their love interests were out of sight, the rattled spiky-fringed lad remained cemented on the spot.

"Apollo, you need to take a final, deep breath and pull yourself together. We can't delay this any longer." The spiky-haired man's large, strong hand fell onto the boy's rigid shoulder, trying to urge the unmoving lawyer into moving. "No time for cold feet now. It's show time."

Waves of panic washed over him despite the serene aura radiating from the older man.

Mr. Wright looks so calm – so trusting. He really believes I can get us out of this mess! But how can he seem so unruffled?! Apollo thought wildly. He has so much to lose – even more than I do if we lose this case. He has a daughter he's raising, a woman who loves him – heck he's even essentially a foster father to Pearl, too. He has a family. Yet he's willing to risk all that just to help his employee at the bench?! It isn't right! This isn't his fight!

Yet he also knew offering his mentor last chance to bow out at this eleventh hour would be for naught. The dogged, ever-determined Phoenix Wright never backed away from precarious/life-or-death scenarios.

Or a friend in need.

"I know it's time, Mr. Wright!" Apollo swallowed hard. "Ultimately, I'm not as brave as you – I just can't stop my insides from quaking! All I know is there's no way out of this, just as surely as I know that there's…"


 

[Apollo]
No time to piss or moan
High chance it'll all go wrong
Need you to stand by me
Cuz I'm so scared and jittery
So – last shot for me and you
Let's prove what we can do
Won't know until we try
I'll strive not to cry


 

[Phoenix]

Courts here are whack
You and I may never come back
Could end up dead
It's a high-risk bet
Fighting and appealing
We can't stop believing
We will make things better


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Forever it'll be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright
Keep the faith, such is our decree
When truth is found, we'll taste victory
Defeat that fiend, The Thing That Should Not Be
We may meet the Twilight Realm but one final hurrah!


 

[Phoenix]

I know you have felt alone before
Not this time, I'll help settle the score
You fought for me when my hands were tied
Returning the favor for you
It is my great pride


 

[Apollo]

Courts here are whack
You and I may never come back
Could end up dead
It's a high-risk bet
Fighting and appealing
We can't stop believing
We will make things better


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Forever it'll be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright
Fight's begun!


 

[Instrumental]


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

It will be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright


 

[Apollo]
Our friends will watch and pray
We have set the stage
And refuse to be impeded
From being triumphant today


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Keep the faith, such is our decree
When truth is found, we'll taste victory
Defeat that fiend, The Thing That Should Not Be
We may meet the Twilight Realm but one final hurrah!


 

"You don't always win your battles, Apollo, but it's good to know you fought them because missed chances break your heart the most."

Phoenix was already extending his clenched fingers towards his protégé's for one last fist bump.

"Nevertheless, no matter how the chips fall today Apollo, I'll always stand by you, even when things are at their most dark. To encourage you, to help you when you get scared. To come right to the edge and see what's there. I'm with you, right up till the end."

"You are where you are because of who you were, but where you go depends entirely on you choose to be. I learned that because of you, Mr. Wright, and it's helped make me who I am today. You've helped make me the man I am today."

Apollo collided his own extended knuckles against those of his childhood idol.

"Together we are stronger, together we are unbroken, and together we can do anything! Look out Khura'in Courtroom – here comes Justice... and Wright!"

 

Chapter Text

"Pink Princess"
Sung to the tune
of the
Sailor Moon
TV show theme


 It was Saturday at one in the afternoon, a time that Maya would typically look forward to every week since that was when they'd air new episodes of the recently rebooted "The Pink Princess: Warrior of Little Olde Tokyo". However, unlike other weeks where Phoenix couldn't pry his bubbly assistant away from the television to save his life, the spiky-haired attorney actually had to literally drag the petite spirit medium to the couch- a task made especially hard by the fact that she was pressing her feet against the ground as hard as she could.

"Come on, Maya, don't be like this. You like the Pink Princess." Phoenix pleaded, only to be met with the ebony-haired girl's icy glare.

"The Pink Princess is dead to me, Nick!" Maya huffed with crossed arms. "The only action hero I know is the Steel Samurai!"

"Look, Maya, I know you're still a bit upset about losing that theme song contest last week, but you've got to move on." Phoenix calmly stated as he gently put his hand on his assistant's shoulder. "It's one thing when you keep your anger to yourself, but it's another thing when you start scaring away potential clients by asking them things like, 'Why do we form friendships, only to be betrayed?'"

"You don't understand, Nick! It was one thing when Edgeworth won that "Steel Samurai" song contest last month, but I am the Pink Princess! Without me, that show wouldn't even exist! But how do they repay me? Instead of choosing my idea which is filled with action, and electric guitars, and people singing 'yo' over and over, they give the Pink Princess this girly song that makes her look like some girly girl who does girly things!" Maya yelled as she puffed out her reddened cheeks.

"Maya, that's how the Pink Princess has always been."

"She is not, Nick!"

"What show have you been watching? When she's not in her Pink Princess persona, Aiko is a college student who's studying to be a vet and has a deep love for cute, fluffy animals and fashion. Heck, I remember all of those filler episodes that you made me watch in the original series where Aiko would engage in some kind of fashion trend to impress her crush…" Phoenix cocked his head to the side for a few seconds in an attempt to recall the name, only to come up with nothing. "Ok, I can't remember his name, but that really short, angry guy who always wore a suit for some strange reason."

"I don't care, Nick! That new theme song is not my Pink Princess and I refuse to watch it!" Maya pouted with crossed arms.

"Just give it another chance. Who knows, maybe it'll grow on you after you give it another listen." Phoenix optimistically stated as he turned on the television, the screen glowing pink as the new "Pink Princess" theme song started playing.


 Fighting under the full moon,
Falling in love at high noon,
Doesn't ever give up very soon,
She is known as the Pink Princess.


 She will always fight to save the city,
Calling on friends when things get tricky,
They aren't afraid to get dirty,
She is known as the Piiink…


 Pink Baroness,
Pink Countess,
Pink Marchioness,
Pink Duchess.


 Blessed with skills,
That are a real thrill,
She is known as the Pink Princess.


Footage of the Pink Princess fighting various villains was shown as the music continued to play before the lyrics started up again.


 Fighting under the full moon,
Falling in love at high noon,
With the Pink Nobles she won't lose soon,
She is known as the Pink Princess.
She is known as the Pink Princess.
She is known as… Pink Princess!


 "I still hate it, Nick!" Maya fumed with clenched fists. "I can't believe that they chose this lame theme song over mine!"

"That's what you can't believe?" Phoenix chimed in with a surprised look on his face as the episode started. "Personally, I'm more surprised by the fact that Prosecutor Blackquill was the one who submitted it!"

 

Chapter Text

 

"Your Wedding Day"
Sung to the tune of
"Bella Notte" from Disney's
Lady & The Tramp


[Lead Band Singer]

Now look at this sight
At your beautiful bride
In your arms on your wedding day


 Gaze in her eyes
You see love, no surprise
After all, it's your wedding day


Groom and bride, life has just begun
You've crossed the final frontier
You're meant to be, you can tell
Two souls united here


 So look at this sight
As the stars shine so bright
Upon you on your wedding day


  [Band Chorus]

Look at this sight
Handsome groom by your side
In your arms, on your wedding day


Gaze in his eyes
You see love, no surprise
After all, it's your wedding day


 Groom and bride, life's begun
You've crossed final frontier
You're meant to be, you can tell
Two souls united here


 Now look at this sight
Bello groom, bella bride
Hearts entwined on their wedding day

 

Chapter Text

 "Debeste and von Karma Song"
sung to the tune of
"Snow and Heat Miser Song"

from  The Year Without Santa

 

 


[It was the evening of Christmas Eve and Manfred was scurrying around his mansion wearing a sweater with a picture of a smiling globe and the caption 'Joy to the World!' below it and an uncharacteristically happy grin on his face as he made preparations for Santa's arrival.]

[However, the veteran prosecutor's efforts were interrupted when he heard a sudden knock at his front door, which he wasted no time in opening.]

["How can I be-" Manfred stopped midsentence, his smile turning into a scowl as he glared daggers at his visitor: Blaise, who was wearing a red shirt and yellow leggings, both of which were coated with glitter to give them a sparkling effect, a clown nose, pointed elf ears which were painted red, a red and orange wig, and a skimmer hat with a red and orange stripe, and ten-year-old Sebastian, whose nose, ears, hair, and hat matched his father's- the only difference in the Debestes' outfits was that Sebastian was wearing a yellow jumpsuit that matched his father's pants- and was holding a boombox that was playing a karaoke-version of Heat Miser's theme song.]

[However, before Manfred could respond, Blaise started singing his version of the beloved Christmastime song.]


{Blaise}
I'm Mr. Debeste,
I'm Mr. Sin,
I'm Mr. Corruption,
I'm Mr. Dirty Win.


They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.
I impress even me!


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Cool Dad,
He's Mr. Rad,
He's Mr. First-Rate,
He's Mr. So-Good-He's-Bad.


{Blaise}
They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.


{Sebastian}
He impresses me!


["As if that's hard to do." Blaise wryly retorted.]


{Blaise}
I never want to see a world that's free of villainy,
I'd rather have it filled with malice and debauchery!


["Y'see, there are people who like to be evil, but I really live for it, y'know!" Blaise sneered.] 


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Handsome,
He's Mr. Hip Pops,


{Blaise}
Now you're making sense, Sebastian!


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Stylish,
He's Mr. Always-At-The-Top.


{Blaise}
They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.
I impress even me!


{Sebastian}
Even me!


["Even perfect records aren't safe from me, y'know."  Blaise sneered.  "Though I don't think I have to remind you of that, von Karma."

["You think you can ruin my Christmas by insulting both me and Santa by dressing up as Heat Miser and singing that ridiculous song? Well, two can play at this game, Debeste!"  Manfred roared before snapping his fingers and yelling into the mansion.  "Miles, Franziska, Code Miser!"]

[Within seconds of being called, 19-year-old Edgeworth and 12-year-old Franziska arrived at the door, with the former holding a boombox that was playing a karaoke-version of Snow Miser's theme song, as Manfred began singing his own version.] 


{Manfred}
I'm Mr. von Karma,
I'm Mr. Kingpin,
I'm Mr. Faultless,
I'm Mr. Perfect Win.


Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.
I impress even me!


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Number One,
He's Mr. Right,


["Correct." Manfred smirked.]


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Perfect Genes,
He's Mr. Defense-Attorney's-Blight.


{Manfred}
Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He impresses us!


{Manfred}
I never want to see a world filled with victorious defense attorneys,
I'd rather see them defeated and crying before me!


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Upstanding,
He's Mr. Exact,


["You know it's true."  Manfred chimed in]


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Nobility,
He's Mr. Divinely-Backed.


{Manfred}
Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.
Heh… Even me. 


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
Even me!

Chapter Text

 "Esto Es Amor"
Sung to the tune of
"So This Is Love" from
Disney's  Cinderella

 

"I thought I'd find you out here," Diego's rich baritone sounded behind Mia out on the terrace of the grand hotel ballroom where their boss, Marvin Grossberg's grand 60th birthday party was in full effect. "Were the festivities getting to be a bit too much?"

"It was getting really hot in there, with all those people on the dance floor," she admitted, gratefully accepting the cold glass of champagne he offered her. "I needed to get some air."

"The band is playing some really great music in there, kitten. You're missing out."

"I can hear it perfectly from out here." She actually found herself humming slightly to the sultry tune of the saxophone that was now playing. "The band is amazing. I do love this song."

"Then you must dance with me to it." His intense dark gaze born to hers. "I won't take no for an answer. You've been avoiding me all night – and all week. Ever since I had the most interesting chat with your good friend Lana …"

"No, I haven't!" She denied hotly, refusing to meet his eye. "I just didn't feel like having you mock me ever since my so-called best friend decided to spill the beans about my alleged crush on you when you bumped into her at the coffee shop the other day!"

"She never said you had a crush on me… She just said the lady doth protest too much." He smirked. "Considering you haven't been able to look me in the eye ever since I brought this information to your attention, I can't help but wonder if there is any truth to this charge?"

"Of course there isn't!" Mia denied, her face flushing with anger and embarrassment. "Why would I  like you, the gold medalist for the bedroom Olympics? You are macho, arrogant and a womanizer and the only reason you keep asking me out is that you obviously see me as another potential conquest!"

"That is absolutely not true," he deadpanned, his eyes never leaving hers. "Perhaps the champagne has given me the courage to say something I should've said some time ago, but the truth is, you're not just another potential notch on my bedpost, Mia Fey. I love you... even though you aren't naked right now."

Her eyes widened in shock and feminine indignation at the outrageous words, and he let out a rich chuckle, taking her hand and clasping it in his before she used it to give him a deserved slap.

"That line would have worked on anyone but you. Truth be told, I am quite guilty of sharing my body with women – but never my heart. Let me try this again."

His heart was in his eyes as he took her hands in his, his handsome face a mask of veracity.

"Mia, there isn't one person in the world that I want more than I want you. Only you. There is no other – nor will there ever be another."

Mia blinked, unsure she'd heard him right. Exactly what was in the champagne he had given her? Obviously was causing her to be hearing things …

While her mind spun from his declaration, Diego took advantage of her momentarily stunned state and was already leading her into a slow waltz, right there on the veranda.

"You and I are meant to be, kitten, and you know it," he murmured, leaning down close so she could smell his intoxicating, masculine scent that made her senses tingle. "Tonight, on this Christmas Eve event, why don't we allow for a holiday miracle to happen, and finally confess what's been going on between us all this time?"

"And what would that be?" Being so close to him was making her feel weak in the knees. Mia thought they would have given out if his strong arms hadn't been holding her up.

"Amor, kitten. You know and I know it." His expression was tender and he ran a finger down her cheek. "This is love. Esto es amor."

"Love," Mia whispered dazedly, finally saying the word for the feeling she'd been fighting for far too long. It sounded right. "So this… is love."


[Mia]

Mmmmmm, Mmmmmm
Esto es amor, mmmmmm
Esto es amor
When you feel your souls entwine
Dreamed of this day, mmmmmm
Y ahora sé


[Diego]

Y ahora sé


[Mia and Diego]

Promise to love you for all time


[Mia]

And my heart sings, mmmmmm

I can't deny


[Mia and Diego]

I am yours till the day that I die

Let's pray that this magical spell lasts forever more


[Mia]

Mi amor 


[Diego]

Mi gatito


"Te quiero mucho, Mia Fey." He took her face in his hands, so she could clearly see all the sincerity and the promise of new beginnings reflected in his loving gaze. "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."

"Yo también te quiero, Diego Armando," Mia whispered, her shining amber orbs glowing as she leaned forward to meet the mouth already descending towards hers. "I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."


[Mia and Diego]

Esto es amor  


[Miego kiss]

Chapter Text

 

"Man-nay, Man-nay, The Pool's The Place To Be"
sung to the tune of
"Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me"
from Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean


 

["Ugh…" Manfred groaned, his aching head feeling as if someone was crushing it with a massive weight."Where am I…? Why are my arms and legs bound?! And why am I wearing my swimsuit?!"The veteran prosecutor exclaimed with much terror in his voice as he realized that his arms and legs were tightly bound with two sets of ropes and that he was wearing nothing but a pair of black swim trunks."Wait a minute…"The 'perfect' prosecutor paused as he took a moment to take note of his surroundings- the black leather back seat of a car that was littered with a multitude of food wrappers and empty soda cups."Please tell me that I'm not-"]

["Rise and shine, Manny!" Gant exclaimed with a smile on his face as he turned his head, only to be met by the veteran prosecutor's scowling face.]

["Gant, why am I tied up and wearing nothing but a swimsuit in the back of this pigsty that you call a car?"  Manfred growled at the happy-go-lucky police chief.]

["Sorry about the mess, Manny." Gant stated with an embarrassed chuckle as he returned his attention to the road ahead of him."I haven't had much time to tidy up, what with all my responsibilities as Chief of Police."]

["You didn't answer my question." Manfred snarled through clenched teeth, his already-low patience running thin.]

["Well, you kept on refusing my offers to come swim with me at the public pool, so I decided to take matters into my own hands by sneaking into your house and adding a little something to your orange juice carton to make you a little more agreeable and a little less conscious." Gant nonchalantly responded.]

["You drugged me!?"Manfred exclaimed with saucer-sized eyes.]

["'Drugged' is an awfully strong word. I like to think of it as 'covert sedation'."]

["You've gone mad, Gant! I'd expect this sort of thing from Debeste, but never from you. Debeste may do this kind of thing when he wants me to take his place at social events, like that one time I was rendered unconscious after eating my lunch, only to wake up at his son's piano recital, but at least he's never done so for a reason as foolish as making me go to the public pool!"]

["There's nothing foolish about the public pool, Manny. And if you don't believe me, then maybe this will change your mind." Gant chirped as he tuned on his cd player which started playing a karaoke-version of Disney's "A Pirate's Life for Me" as he started singing his own lyrics to the beloved song.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll swim, we'll splash, we'll all have a blast,
So put on your sunblock, Man-nay!
We'll jump and dive and do laps so fast,
That your head will spin, Man-nay!


 

["And how do you expect me to apply sunblock when I'm bound in the back of this garish abomination that you call a car?" Manfred growled as Gant continued his song.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll cool right down and then we'll relax, we'll get every snack,
I'll buy you a soda, Man-nay!
Frolic and laugh and make many wisecracks,
It's such a delight, Man-nay!


 

["I don't want snacks, I don't want soda, and I don't want to spend my day at the pool with you! Now turn this vehicle around and take me back to my home immediately!" Manfred roared, wriggling and thrashing about in a vain attempt to free himself as Gant resumed singing.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll play, we'll enjoy, we'll get you pool noodles,
So that you can float, Man-nay!
Watch and hide and splash fancy poodles,
Giggle over screams, Man-nay!


 

["The only screaming you'll be hearing will be your own when I drown you with those pool noodles if you don't turn around this instant." Manfred hissed, flashing Gant a death glare as the jovial chief of police kept on singing his merry song.]


 

Adults, teenagers, kids big and small,
No one hates the pool, Man-nay!
Even Blaisie likes it, gives it his all,
When ogling hot girls, Man-nay!


 

["Objection!" Manfred bellowed."I hate the pool almost as much as I hate your idiotic song!"]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll play games and eat lunch and even dinner,
We'll stay till closing, Man-nay!
Yes! But you won't feel so very bitter,
When the day's all done, Man-nay!


 

["No, I'll instead be feeling an overwhelming desire to see you dead."  Manfred snapped.]

["Well, in that case, I better avoid elevators… I wouldn't wanna to end up like Gredgeworthy, now would I?"  Gant joked, snickering as the veteran prosecutor's eyes widened, fearful that someone had stumbled upon his greatest secret- and not just some random person, but the Chief of Police.]

["I-" The 'perfect' prosecutor tried to state an excuse, only to get cut off by his friend .]

["I know, Manny, you got real lucky. I mean, your most hated enemy gets murdered and you didn't even have to lift a finger. But unfortunately for you, there are no elevators at the public pool. Speaking of which, we're here!"  Gant cheered as he pulled into a spot right by the entrance as the veteran prosecutor repeatedly banged his head against the door in a desperate attempt to put himself out of his misery.]

 

Chapter Text

"(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime"
Sung to the tune of

"Through My Eyes"
from Disney's  Brother Bear


 On Noël Eve, you and me can
Set out homemade cookies
Just for Santa
He'll come for them
If you keep believing


 Let's go hang
Outside
Colored lights so bright
And see
With glee
Season's blessings shining around you


 (So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime


 I know sometimes, your sad memories
Won't let you see brightness
But if you can open your heart
Let the love and light in


 Let's go hang
Outside
Colored lights so bright
And see
With glee
Season's blessings shining around you


 (So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime


 

I know smiling might feel strange
It just means that you're now healing
I'll be here when you're in need
I'll comfort you and hold your hand


(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic


 Ooh, Rejoice, It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime
It's Christmastime
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime

 

Chapter Text

 

"Central Prison Waltz"
Sung to the tune of "Cellblock Tango"
from the smash musical hit,Chicago

 

[In the outdoor recreational area for the women's section of Central Prison, several reporters are sitting in folding chairs, their pens and notepads at the ready, before a makeshift stage. And right when the last reporter takes their seat, the warden- a small, lanky man with a big grin on his face- and several guards guide Mimi Miney, Cammy Meele, Alita Tiala, Geiru Toneido, Kristoph Gavin, and Paul Atishon onto the stage in a single file line.]


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

["And now, dear reporters, put your hands together for the Five Merry Murderesses of Central Prison- and Paul Atishon- as they perform their version of the "Cell Block Tango', the 'Central Prison Waltz'!" The warden cheerfully exclaims.]

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

[The spotlight shines on Mimi.]

["Have you ever had a boss you despise, the kind of person who you fantasize about punching in the face over and over again every day? Well, if you take every negative aspect of their personality and multiply it by a thousand, then you get my former boss, Dr. Turner Grey. The man was a monster and would do everything in his power to make life a living hell for me and the other nurses working for him by giving us long workdays and more patients than any nurse should have to handle. And to make things worse, on days it rained, Grey would be in an especially bad mood, standing over my shoulder and yelling at the top of his lungs about how the weather girl couldn't predict the weather to save her life."]

["But when that malpractice incident went public, I decided to be the bigger person and took the brunt of the blame. Sure, I hated the guy, but I didn't know how long it would take for me to find another nursing job, especially coming from a place where 14 people were killed. Though now that I think about it, I should have taken my chances; because how did that bastard repay me? He drugged me right before I left for work one day, causing me to get into a car accident that killed my baby sister and left me burnt beyond recognition! See my face?! This is the face of the sister that was killed because of that bastard!"]

["Fortunately, I got my revenge. One day, when I was taking classes at my sister's college as I lived out her life, Grey approached me and asked me about where he could find a spirit medium who would allow him to see my 'sister', i.e. me, so that he could get 'her' to sign a document confessing that 'she' was completely at fault for the malpractice incident. Well, I told him where he could go before calling the woman who ran the place and striking a deal with her."]

["So on the day of the channeling, I saw Grey… right before I stabbed him and shot him right in the forehead."]


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

[The spotlight shines on Cammy.]

["I was living the dream- using my position as a flight attendant to smuggle art around the world, forging a few documents, and getting rich in the process. Hell, the hardest part of my job was doing my work as an actual flight attendant, but even then, I didn't have to do much since my boyfriend, who was also a pilot, would cover for me whenever I decided to goof-off, which was pretty much all the time."]

["Yeah, life was great… until some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade. Apparently, the guy suspected that some valuable statue that was being transported was swapped out for a fake during a layover and was insisting that he check out the cargo hold to verify if this was true. Of course, I wanted to keep him as far away from that area of the plane because he was right, but I had no choice but to comply. I couldn't just say no to some glorified cop and make myself look suspicious. So I took him down to the hold and he started snapping pictures of the area on his phone. Snap! Snap! And all the while, I was getting more and more nervous."]

["Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and just snapped- no pun intended- and pushed him over the upper level's railing. And the next 'snap' that cop heard was when his back hit the ground."]


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
He took me for a ride.
He really mocked me,
And also poked me.
It wasn't murder,
But rather suicide.


 

[The spotlight shines on Alita.]

["I love money. Who doesn't? You can have anything and anyone you want with enough of the green stuff. And one day, I was given the opportunity to get a lot of it on a silver platter."]

["You see, my boss was a mob doctor who primarily treated the Kitaki family while I served as a nurse. So one day, the head of the family's son, Wocky, was shot in the heart during a little scuffle- probably because he was being the stupid little 'tough' guy that he is, and I use the term 'tough' very loosely- and needed surgery. But when we went to operate on him, we saw that the bullet was literally inches away from his heart- to take that thing out would run the risk of killing him just as much as the bullet itself. So we left it in there, patched Wocky up, wrote up a fake report saying that he was fine, and gave the brat a lemon-flavored lollypop… which we swapped out for a grape because lemon's apparently not 'gangsta' enough."]

["Now, my boss simply wanted to forget the incident and simply wait for the bullet to do its job, but I, on the other hand, saw an opportunity. I knew that if I was married to Wocky, I could get all of his family's money the day he died from that bullet. So as much as it pained me to do so, I wasted no time in popping the question to Wocky, which he agreed to before I could finish asking it."]

["But unfortunately, life's not that easy. The Kitakis quickly found out about the botched surgery during a routine checkup. So there I was, forced to cover up my tracks by going to that clinic later that night, holding my boss at gunpoint, and forcing him to give me the file so that I could get rid of it."]

["But as you can probably guess, things took a turn for the worse, so I'll save you the time and tell you the short version of the story- my boss strangled me with a lamp cord, I blacked out, he dumped my body and the gun I had into a noodle cart, and tried to dump me in a river, only to get stopped by Wocky being Wocky, giving me the chance to off him before he could reveal my involvement."]

["Now, for those of you saying that I'm a cold, manipulative harlot for using Wocky's life as a means to an end, it was no picnic for me. I earned every last cent that family had after everything I had to put up with, hiding my rage and hate behind an angelic smile. Why, if I had a dollar for every time that Vanilla Ice knockoff said 'bizzzoy' or started crying whenever we got past first base, I'd have enough money to buy and sell him and his family ten times over."]


 

{Everyone}
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

[The spotlight shines on Kristoph.]

["I'm Kristoph Gavin and I killed a man named 'Smith' with a bottle because I am an evil human being. And as for why I'm in this train wreck of a musical production, the new warden, Fred Leemann, is under the absurd delusion that I am a woman and had me forcibly moved to the women's section of the prison despite my protests."  Kristoph snaps with crossed arms while glaring daggers at the smiling warden.]

["You can't fool me, Ms. Gavin!" Fred says with a wave of his hand"I've seen how you've taken ample time styling your hair, painting your nails, and watching romantic comedies during your recreation time. But back to the topic of this song, aren't you forgetting your other crimes? You know, how you slipped Phoenix Wright forged evidence, poisoned a man, and attempted to the same to his daughter?"]

["As I, KRISTOPH Gavin, have stated before, those other charges were not proven in a proper court of law. They were thrust upon me by Phoenix Wright to cover his tracks after he twisted the justice system, forged evidence, and brainwashed my protégé in order to cover his tracks."]


 

[The spotlight shines on Geiru.]

["My father was my hero. Every day, he'd go onstage and perform Rakugo shows for adoring crowds with everything he had. I couldn't help but admire his energy, always putting everything he had into telling those stories. That's why I joined the Toneido School as soon as I could in the hopes of following his footsteps and inheriting his stage name. Though unlike my dad, I was never good at the whole storytelling thing- my voice and personality ain't all that flexible, ya know? So I decide to take up balloon art, which made me pretty popular with our audiences since I was able to enhance my performance in more ways than one, if ya know what I mean."]

["But no matter how hard I worked, or how many successful shows I put on, nothing was good enough for Taifu! He'd give me these weird riddles for advice like he was Yoda or something and send me off on my merry way before partying with his other student with soba and booze. It's not fair, I tell ya! Just 'cause I'm allergic to buckwheat and don't have four personalities doesn't mean ya can just cast me aside. That's right, while all of my performances were all me, that freak of nature that was Taifu's other student was only able to perform Rakugo because he had four personalities- his standard self, some annoyingly upbeat jester, a scared little boy, and a passive-aggressive slut."]

["Oh, but that ain't all what four-square got. He also got my father's name. So on the day he was set to inherit the name Uendo Toneido, I paid Taifu a visit and gave him a delicious last meal in the form of suffocating him with some udon dough. What? That doesn't sound delicious? Well, Taifu certainly thought it was to die for."]


 

{Everyone}
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)


 

They deserved it from the start.
I'm not guilty,
But if that's not true,
You can't fault me if you've got a heart.


 

They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
(They took me for a ride.)
I'm not guilty,
(He really mocked me,)
But if that's not true,
You can't fault me if you've got a heart.


 

[The spotlight shines on Paul.]

["Greetings, esteemed reporters, I am Paul Atishon, politician, intellectual, and a man who loves everything and everyone. But as you can probably see, I've suffered a minor setback, which resulted in me being temporarily detained so that I can reflect upon my errors. But I am a man who sees the glass as half-full, who sees the silver lining in every cloud, and who turns the sour lemons that life gives him into sweet lemonade. That's why when Mr. Leemann couldn't find a sixth girl to perform in this musical number, I gladly volunteered to help. For how could I live with myself if I merely sat back and allowed my community to suffer? I couldn't, because to me, nothing is more important than community and how it brings people together. After all, you can't spell 'community' without 'unity'. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a greater sense of community! Remember that when I'm able to return to the streets and run for office."]

["Though speaking of community, do you know who hated it? Archie Buff. Here I welcome him to Kurain village with open arms after losing his wife by giving him the Crystal of Ami Fey to research, an artifact given to one of my ancestors- a famous politician who kissed many babies- for protecting the spirit mediums practicing the Kurain Channeling Technique, after learning that he had to quit his job as an archeologist. And how did he repay my kindness? Why, he took my family's precious crystal and hid it in some underground cave just because he heard a rumor that it was actually an invaluable artifact stolen from Khura'in. The nerve of that man! And can you believe that he had the audacity to blatantly refuse to give me the crystal or even tell me where he hid it when I approached him one day and kindly asked for it back!?"]

["So while I may be a peaceful man who loathes violence in every way, shape, and form, I was left with no choice but to kill Mr. Buff by sneaking into his house and pushing a heavy suitcase onto his head from the upper level of his home. Now, this may make me look like a monster, and I don't blame you- after all, you're all fine, upstanding citizens with stellar morals. But consider this: when it comes to killing off people, most politicians just sit back and let their lackeys do all the work, but not me! I am a man who cares about the people and a man of action! So if I want someone dead, I'm not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get the job done. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for returning to a simpler time when politicians would do unsavory deeds themselves!"]


 

{Everyone}
That freakin' jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!
That freakin' jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!


 

They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
The really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
'Cause if they mocked us,
('Cause if they mocked us,)
And also poked us,
(And also poked us,)
You can't fault us if you've got a heart!


 

He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
What goes around comes around.
(What goes around comes around.)
If you'd have known him,
(If you'd have known him,)
If you'd have met him,
(If you'd have met him,)
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

{Mimi}
["The weather girl said it was sunny."]

{Cammy}
["Some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade."]

{Alita}
["Vanilla Ice knockoff."]

{Kristoph}
["I am an evil human being."]

{Geiru}
["All of my performances were all me."]

{Atishon}
["Vote for Paul Atishon!"]


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.

 

Chapter Text

"All My Life I've Awaited This"
Sung to the tune of
"I've Been Dreaming Of True Love's Kiss"
from Disney's Enchanted


 [PEARL]
(spoken)

He's her Special Someone, know this is true


[PEARL]
(sings)

Sit back it has begun, right before me and you


[TRUCY]
(spoken hopefully but skeptical)

Is he just smoothing her hair? Or picking lint from her clothes?


[PEARL]
*scowls at Trucy*
No!


[PEARL]
*clasps her hands and turns starry-eyed*
(sings)

Watch now as this blossoms, cuz we've planted seeds
All my life I've awaited this
Their fairytale shall now end in bliss
Although I know you think it's kinda sappy
So many reasons I ship them so much
I've seen their shy smiles and how they touch
All that's left is share just one sweet kiss
They'll fall in love…I've awaited this


[TRUCY]
(sings)

All her life she's awaited this
Daddy's a Prince, Maya's his Princess
Who cares if I kinda think
It's sappy, So sappy
I now see reason why they're shipped so much
I've seen their shy smiles and how they touch


[PEARL]
All that's left is share one kiss
They'll fall in love…I've awaited this


[PEARL & TRUCY]
*both eagerly lean forward to hear Phaya conversation*


[PHOENIX]
*clears throat and awkwardly scratches back of his neck*

I've risked my life when yours was in threat
Though at times


[MAYA]
*giggles and pretends to wipe off his brow*

You broke into a sweat!


[BOTH]
All this time's passed and now it's come to this


[PHOENIX]
When push comes to shove


[MAYA]
You're the man I love


[BOTH]
Since first time we met, we've awaited this…


*Phaya kiss*


*Trucy happily squeals into her gloves*


*Pearl swoons, then faints from joy behind the bushes*

Chapter Text

 

"Foxy Amazon"
Sung to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite"
from the musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show


{Robin}
Hey, Athena!
I'm sorry about our school's shutterbug.
But if she thinks that this case is her next big scoop,
Then she's about to feel so smug!


Don't be frightened by the woman I am,
I'm not gonna B-I-T-E.
I may not be a lady during classes,
But afterwards, I go on a shopping spree!


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Let's hang out after this,
The mall's never amiss,
You two look like you're down for some fun.
Or if that doesn't sound appealing,
We'll chat about feelings,
In my dorm while watching rom-com reruns.


{Athena}
Before more chaos ensues,
Tell me what you viewed.
Junie's future hangs in the balance!


["For once, I agree with Cykes-dono … though for different reasons." Simon sighed with his back turned to both the defense attorney and witness, overcome with embarrassment for having referred to Robin as the epitome of masculinity just moments ago.]


{Athena}
Did you commit the crime,
Killing Courte in her prime?
Please don't make this more of a challenge.


{Robin}
I don't mean to be rude,
But I'm in a good mood.
You see, I'm finally free,
And I'd be delighted,
And really excited,
If both of you would celebrate with me.


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Why don't you stop by my dorm?
(Dorm.)
We'll talk up a storm,
(Storm.)
About a rock star with gorgeous sky-blue eyes.
He's a beautiful man,
With blond hair and a tan,
And he's absolutely S-E-X-Y!


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Tee hee!
I'm a foxy Amazon,
(Foxy Amazon,)
From Amazonia, Arizona!
(Arizona!)


So let's go out to eat,
At a place that's so sweet,
One of my favorite's known as Trés Bien.
The décor's chic,
And the food's… unique.
So when Juniper's free,
We'll have fun, you'll see!

Chapter Text

 

"Do I Love You Even Though You're A Fool"
Sung to the tune of
"Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful"
from Rodgers and Hammerstein's
1997 film version of Cinderella


 

Maya, Phoenix, Athena and Miles all stared after the forensic scientist and former rock star prosecutor as the duo exited the reception hall together. As soon as they were out of sight, Phoenix expelled a huge breath of relief.

"It's a good thing Klavier got Ema out of here so fast! I've never seen her so steamed! I really do think if she'd had a gun holster attached to her dress she really would've shot us for our Cupid endeavors!"

"No good deed goes unpunished!" Athena twittered. "I wonder, if Ema had been packing heat, which of us would've taken the threatened bullet first? Maya and I for our part in the matchmaking, or Mr. Wright, since she's known him the longest…"

"It could have just as easily been me dodging those vengeful gunshots!" Miles glared at the blue defense attorney. "Let the record show my involvement was something Detective Skye was wholly ignorant of – until my alleged best friend fingered me, even though I was the world's most reluctant accomplice to these cockamamie shenanigans!"

"You better believe Nick threw you under the bus!" Maya wasn't even remotely penitent for her boyfriend's loose lips. "If we, along with his employee, had to go down for our noble intentions, you better believe we'd be taking you with us!"

"It's not like we needed to twist your arm to participate in our matchmaking efforts for Ema and Klavier, Edgeworth!" Phoenix chortled. "You know that I know that you know that I know that there was no pulling of teeth required! You readily coughed up that pertinent information that sealed the deal, just like a cat with a fur ball!"

"Fact! You aren't fooling anybody!" Athena smiled coyly at the scowling barrister. "I could tell that you were as moved as the rest of us when Ema and Prosecutor Gavin sang that romantic duet tonight! Why don't you just admit you're every bit the diehard romantic that we all are?"

"I shall admit no such thing." Miles shifted his baleful glower from Phoenix and directed it at the redhead, who smirked back knowingly. "Not that it would matter, in any case…"

He looked away, feeling his cheeks warm slightly.

"Ahem, I suppose to refute your point would be moot since you can apparently hear other people's hearts, Miss Cykes. Incidentally, such is a most obtrusive trait, might I add!"

"Stop your grumbling, Miles!" Maya grinned impishly. "Are you really going to pretend that, like the rest of us, you're not-so-secretly rooting for Ema and the glimmerous fop to sort things out and finally get together?"

"Nah, Edgeworth would rather have us believe he's still as emotionally constipated as ever and doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. He'd prefer we deem his involvement in trying to get those two together was purely due to peer pressure, nothing more," Phoenix deadpanned. "After all this is the same man who publicly announced in our last courtroom battle that he sees nothing wrong with wishing to remain unwed!"

"That's true," the spirit medium recalled, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "I guess Miles is destined to be married to nothing but his work in the end, am I right?"

Miles groaned internally at the reminder of his rash decree during the state vs. Wyatt trial, made purely in the heat of legal battle. Crossing his arms, he did his best to ensure his countenance remained inscrutable.

Unaware of her friend's contemplations, Maya was now flashing a teasing smirk at Phoenix.

"I guess not everybody's a big believer in the power of love like you are Nick, you big sap!"

"I'm your big sap," the spiky-haired man reminded his lover, tapping her playfully on the nose. "What can I say? Sorin and Ellen would make anybody believe in true love! Everyone except my android chum here – wait where did he go?"

The couple had been so wrapped up in their own little world that they hadn't even noticed Miles had discreetly left from the group.

"Did Mr. Roboto just take-off without saying goodbye?" Athena craned her neck as she peered around the crowded room. "How rude!"

I really need to get home and collect my thoughts about certain things, the Chief Prosecutor reflected as he strode purposely towards the exit. Not that I have any desire to broadcast my personal reflections to those jejune, twitterpated fools, but it's not just the newlyweds that I wish the best of luck. The truth is, I am rooting for Detective Skye and Prosecutor Gavin. Hopefully our endeavors tonight will lead them to become something more. Like Wright and Maya, they too, started out as mere colleagues. Moreover, they've given me further reason to believe that despite knowing someone for years, as much as some things remain the same, they also tend to change…sometimes before you even realize it…


His residence wasn't very far away from the Sprocket Park Mooring Dock, and as the slate-haired man stepped into the entryway of his posh, sprawling penthouse, he was still mulling over the niggling underlying issue Phoenix had unwittingly reminded him of.

Something Miles had been denying to himself for far longer than he should have.

At last, I'm finally home. I'm most keen to curl up in front of my fireplace, in my favorite armchair, with a glass of wine. My haven bears more familiarity and warmth than I've had these countless days, which have gone so fast with the madness of that Sprocket court case! Whilst it was pleasant to be with my friends at the wedding, I'm happy to return home. I feel like a tortoise retracting into his shell, the troubles of the world evaporating. To anyone else, this is a home like all the others exactly like it on this street, but to me, it is a sanctuary. It is a cocoon, it is rest. I can finally gather some perspective and resolve these repressed thoughts I've been having for far too long about…

"You foolish fool!" An irate voice suddenly snapped from behind him, shattering his reverie. "How dare you?"

Miles reflexively leaped from his cushioned leather seat as the sharp crack of leather lashed against his hand, nearly making him spill the vintage port he'd just poured himself onto his immaculate Persian rug.

The logic enthusiast spun around, quickly placing the crystal stemware onto the wooden coffee table, out of harm's way. With saucer-sized eyes, he then met the fierce glare of a very recognizable femme fatale, who was still brandishing her trusty whip while sparks of rage – and questionable hurt – shot from her silver orbs.

"You are unbelievable, Miles Edgeworth! And I do not mean that as a compliment!"

"Franziska?!" The astonished lawyer gaped at his unexpected guest. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't arriving to visit until tomorrow evening!"

"I decided to take an earlier flight because I could no longer contain my rage and disappointment with you, Little Brother!" She almost spat out the familiar title, one she hadn't used in years. "I have been seething overseas for nearly the past week now, ever since I saw your latest trial against that foolish Phoenix Wright!"

Miles goggled at her blankly, utterly bewildered by her ire. It had been nearly a decade since his 'Big Sister' had encountered the defense attorney, her old courtroom rival. Therefore, perhaps naïvely, he'd assumed that time had softened her old hostility against his friend, at the very least, into some kind of grudging respect, and possibly some wry affection.

So what in the world could have thus infuriated her about their latest courtroom battle?

Is she clinging to her childish vendetta against Wright for breaking her perfect win record and feels resentful against  me  because I didn't defeat him, thence allowing her to be triumphant by proxy?

"I see your memory has left you, along with your common sense, you dummkopf!" Franziska appeared to have grown further agitated by his nonplussed expression. "Have you honestly forgotten that any cases that involve either of you Ace Attorneys gets televised?"

No, Miles hadn't forgotten. He just hadn't thought she would bother to pay any mind to this, and was straining to excogitate how to proceed without being whipped yet again!

"I am touched you still cared enough to take the time to watch me in action since I know how busy you have been with Interpol over in Europe," he began placidly, keeping a wary eye on her weapon. "Although I remain at a loss as to what it was about this case which has you so up in arms?"

"You really have no idea, do you?" Franziska's anger fizzled then, her voice taking on a more anguished inflection. "Or is it that you simply did not care how much your scornful views on relationships and holy matrimony would affect me at all?"

The realization of what she was referring to hit him then, like a bucketful of ice water to the face.

Franziska was referring, of course, to the various ways Miles dismissed anything even remotely pertaining to his beliefs on matters of the heart during the trial. Such as how he'd harrumphed Wright's saccharine, trite declarations about the power of love. And then, on top of that, he'd then superciliously responded to the judge's harmless, (albeit impromptu) query about his own marital status, by declaring that he saw nothing wrong with being unwed… and choosing to remain that way!

It'd all been uttered with unthinking waspishness, as he'd been in cold, hard prosecutor mode at the time. Right up until now, Miles had forgotten all about the whole thing! Anyone who knew him was well aware by now that he didn't ever reveal the softer side of his persona in the courtroom – not even to his best friend!

For heaven's sake, he'd also blithely dismissed ever associating with Wright or Maya or His Honor, in any social capacity, despite being fond of all of them, because he hadn't wanted to openly mix business with pleasure! Nevertheless, his friends hadn't held those lofty words against him! Obviously, he hadn't meant any of it, since he'd just come from dancing and mingling with the lovebirds all night at the wedding!

"Franziska…" Miles tried to put a placating hand on her shoulder but she brushed it off as though she'd been scorched. "You of all people should know, more than anyone, how I'm a completely different person when I'm in the courtroom than I am whenever I'm out of it…"

"All I know is that you have not changed one bit over the years, Miles Edgeworth!" She cried, drawing away from him and clutching at her sleeves. "I was obviously deluding myself all these years, thinking that we had grown… closer from all that time we had worked Interpol together. Like a fanciful foolish fool, I actually let myself believe that maybe…"

She shook her head, long argentite tresses falling dejectedly around her ethereal visage, hiding it from his view as she choked out the last sentence.

"Well, it obviously does not matter what I thought, since you have proven that you are romantic as a – a salad bowl!"

Miles could have laughed at the absurd comparison, except for the fact that her very prominent angst was no laughing matter. He'd obviously aggrieved her with this supposed revelation she thought she'd made, and while he could take an educated guess as to why this was so, he had no idea how to remedy any of it just yet.

Her next words brought things to a head and were almost as excruciating to hear as they obviously were for her to say.

"I had hoped that the shadows of our past would not cloud our current relationship, such as it were. That the gradual transcending from childhood rival siblings to respected colleagues of equal level to friends would allow things to further continue progress, until perhaps in due time, maybe someday…"

She drew in a shaky breath

"Ultimately, I was wrong. It was all a built-up fantasy in my mind, nothing more. You will never change who you are or the way that you see me, no matter how much time has passed. And that knowledge really hurts. It hurts so much."

"Franziska…" he was a loss for words.

As crazy as it'd seemed at that time the legist desperately wished, with all his heart, that Sorin Sprocket's time machine invention had been an actual, tangible device. If it were, Miles would've surely gone and turned back time. He would have gladly rewound the hands of the clock to those precise moments in the trial when he'd uttered those completely nonsensical untruths about his views on love and marriage, and zippered his damn mouth shut, had he known how much agony his thoughtless statements would've caused the person closest to him.

"I have always prided myself on being a good judge of character, but I have long ago come to terms with the fact that I am far from perfect, ergo neither are my perceptions of people." The beautiful orbs were now two liquid pearls. "Sometimes, you are too close to someone to see the way they really are, the way things really are. Sometimes, you care about them so much that you do not want to. Perhaps the worst thing to realize is that you did not mean as much to someone as you thought."

That was when Miles saw the droplets begin to flow from those normally shuttered eyes, shimmering twin liquid pools, which were now peering up into his mien with unmasked sorrow.

Unlike her customary hardened and aloof expression this time, those eyes aren't emotionless; they are strong locks, holding all her powerful feelings within. They're glaciers to keep her heartrending emotions of the past frozen, but it's ice that can no longer bear the torment within her. It's a lock that opened for  my  sake. This woman is young, but she's certainly a warrior, one who's found the light to continue, even after she's seen the deepest floors of hell.

At last, the source of the tears fully dawned on him, and with it, all his suppressed feelings which had been triggered at last, when his friends had harangued him about being an unfeeling automaton who didn't give a fig about love or marriage. He hadn't cared too much if any of them had believed these things about him. All that mattered was that the woman currently shedding tears over it did as well.

In all the years I have known her, I could count on the fingers of one hand many times I've seen Franziska Von Karma cry. The last time I witnessed it was 10 years ago, when I chased her to the airport, and somehow, I am the cause of them, yet again.

Although it was positively gut-wrenching to see, it seemed long overdue for her.

Oh, Franziska, let those tears flow. In those salty trickles is who you are - one who feels. You aren't cold like a machine who runs on logic alone, who wants only what it is sensible for themselves. You have emotions so divine, I want to scoop you up in my arms and keep you safe for all time. In a world of hurt, it is human to cry, yet always let the joy in whenever you can. There is love here too, so much love. So let me see those eyes that swim with tears, for they shine with life and the knowledge of who you truly are.

"Franziska listen to me. You weren't wrong in sensing that things had changed between us over the years. I stopped seeing you like my Big Sister a long time ago, for the same motives I can only hope that you stopped addressing me as your Little Brother. The only reason I have never addressed this is…"

"DL-6," she finished dully, brushing away her tears. "That has always been the pink elephant in the room betwixt us, has it not? You may not see me as your foster sibling anymore, and perhaps even promoted me to a colleague or even a friend, but you will never be able to see me as anything more, because of that horrible incident, nein?"

"DL-6?" He gawked at her in disbelief. "That's what you think this all comes down to?"

"What else am I supposed to think?" Another wet bead rolled down her cheek. "No matter how much time passes, I do not think you will ever be able to lay eyes upon me without being reminded of the fact that my Papa ruthlessly murdered your father in cold blood."

"No! I have never lied to you about anything in all my life, Franziska, and I am not about to start now!" He denied vehemently. "I swear to you that I have not ever held you accountable for the sins of your father, and I never will! If anything, I have always wondered if a part of you would always despise me!"

"How could you ever think such a foolish thing?" She demanded, not even trying to hold back the deluge continuing to empty itself down her face. "You are the one who lost everything because of my father!"

"Yet I'm the one who chose Wright to be my lawyer, therefore inadvertently being the reason you lost Manfred in the first place. I thought because of this, that you would never forgive me!"

They stared at each other without speaking for what seemed like ages, the Interpol Agent still hugging herself as she shed tears of relief now that the unspoken truths of their wretched past had been finally brought to light. However, a lingering lament prevailed, because, in spite of all this, nothing else had changed.

"So be it then," she whispered finally, a dull ache in her chest. "We have acknowledged that we do not hold any bitterness or hatred for one another in spite of the horrid ties that bind us. I will take comfort in that. However, even if you are saying you did not mean the things you said about love and marriage, it does not matter, right? Ultimately, even if you do really want those things, it is apparently not with me. That is  the real reason our relationship, such as it were, has been at a stalemate all these years, is it not?"

Franziska wasn't even bothering to wipe away her tears anymore. It was unlike her to be so candid about her emotions, but here she was, laying her heart on the line to him, even though she thought her feelings were unrequited. This meant in the end, she was even braver than Miles himself. He inwardly cursed his pusillanimity all these years for denying to himself what was now so glaringly obvious.

When first I looked upon her comely visage, when I first realized she was no longer the spoiled, tempestuous young girl I once knew and was now a strong, formidable, desirable woman, it was not her grown-up pulchritude that enraptured me. It was not on the perfect features that I dwelled - not the shimmering gray eyes, nor the pomegranate lush lips. Instead, it was the small flaws and insecurities that allured me. The small scar on her shoulder from that bullet wound, the demure, modest smile whenever she was being unpredictably kind, the very slight flare of her nostrils when she's enraged. That's when I knew I had found the person who was perfectly imperfect for me. I can't even pinpoint exactly how long I've felt this way. All that matters is that I do. And it's high time that she knew.

As she choked back another sniffle, Miles fervently wished, with every fiber of his being, that he could dry every tear she'd ever shed, one by one, and ensure that this remarkablefiery, sweet dame before him never cried another tear in her whole life.

Now, when I look upon those features, I lose myself. All the mistakes I have ever made, and there have been many, are gone - every impure thought erased. All negativity is cleansed, almost like a religious experience or spiritual enlightenment. I know her eyes can see through me, but I know they do not dwell on the anger, nor the deceit, nor the selfishness. She looks past every flaw to find the person inside, the real me, and at that moment, I know I'm perfectly imperfect for her too.

"Our relationship has been at a stalemate because I grew up in the same household you did – where expressing sentiment for anything other than ambition or perfection was discouraged and ridiculed. Therefore, I have been an emotionally crippled fool all these years. A coward who has been too scared of these unfamiliar emotions to tell you that my feelings for you have changed; that I stopped seeing you as any sibling of sorts a long time ago. That I view you, want you, yearn for you, the way a man does a woman."

Franziska emitted a startled gasp, and he spotted the rosy calescence in her fair cheeks mounting at this unforeseen declaration.

It was all the encouragement he needed.

Miles stepped forward and leaned down so he could stare right into her stunned, tear-stained visage. When she continued to stubbornly cast her shy gaze down at the ornate carpeting under her black boots, he crooked a finger under her chin and spoke, for the first time in his life, not from his mind, but his heart.

"I see I've shocked you with my ardor. I know this is unexpected and strange, but please hear me out. I know I told you I never lied to you… but that was obviously the biggest lie of all. The truth is: I am a liar. I lied. I lied to myself and to you by not making my feelings for you known. But only because I had to. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, Franziska – you were my mentor's daughter! Nonetheless, it happened anyway."

Her lips parted in another soundless gasp, and she started to shake her head, as though not allowing herself to believe he was finally uttering what she'd forever longed to hear.

"And it gets worse," he continued earnestly. "Not only am I a liar, but I'm also selfish. Selfish enough to want it all, for I know if I don't have you, I don't have anything. The one trait that remains constant with me, both in and out of court, is that I am ruthless. I cannot and will not give up until I can prove to you that you are the only thing that matters. So even if I hurt you so badly that you want to send me away, or run away as you did 10 years ago, just know that this time, I shan't let you go. I'll just keep running after you. Again, and again, and again. And if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me… I will do everything it takes to make it up to you. Cross my heart."

He lifted her face with both hands now, cradling it in his palms so she had no choice but to look up and see the tenderness in his expression.

"Ask me to define my love for you and I'll say it's captured in every beautiful memory of our past, detailed out in vivid visions of our dreams and future plans, but most of all it's right now, in the moment where everything I've ever wanted in my life is standing right in front of me."

The veracity on his handsome face made her heart fill with so much exultation, she thought it would burst. She had never felt more joyful, or secure, or sure of anything, in her entire life.

All I know is that when I am with you, I feel as protected and secure as I do when I have my whip in hand. It is like I am reliving a moment of being carried to bed by Mama when I was five-years-old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when you are by my side, Miles, it is like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my house. I am comfortable and safe. Moreover, I am  home . I am no longer terrified. I always feel at home with him, no matter how far away from home we are. With him, I am free. With him, I am  me .

Franziska almost wanted to pinch herself to convince herself she wasn't dreaming. A part of her almost couldn't allow herself to fathom that the most abysmal week of her life could be so quickly swept away by the soothing ointment made by the dulcet proclamations from that beloved voice, by the promise of forever in those spellbinding smoky eyes.

"Do you really mean all of this, Miles? I – I almost cannot believe that this is really happening…that all you are saying is true. I want nothing more in the world to believe you, as I have yearned for this moment, yearning for you, for so very long…"

"For the rest of my days, I shall speak nothing but the truth to you, Meine Dame." His cadence turned husky. "Because all of me loves all of you. All your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose, I'm winning."

He took her hand and kissed it.

"There are so many reasons that I love you, Franziska. Do you want to know why I'm so helplessly and unequivocally besotted with you?"

"Because you have finally released the sentimental fool within you?" She whispered, never tearing her gaze from his as a warm, happy glow began working its way all the way from her head to the tips of her toes. "You wonderful, foolish fool of a man!"

"If that is the case, then so be it," he teased softly. "After all, it takes one to know one, does it not?"

As his rich baritone slowly transformed into the melodious song, it was the diapason of all thoughts and feelings showcasing his unleashed profound and passionate spirit.


[MILES]
Do I love you even though you're a fool
Or is it you're a fool
Because you love me too?


 

Am I delusional that it is true
All that I feel for you
You feel it too?


 

Do I crave you cuz you make my heart full?
Or is it my heart's full
Because I crave you?


 

Are you truly perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


[FRANZISKA]

(whispers)
Mayhap I am only dreaming all this…Mayhap these are just dreams of fools


[FRANZISKA]

(sings)
How am I to believe that it is true
That such a man like you
Could love me too?

Do I crave you cuz you make my heart full?
Or is it my heart's full
Because I crave you?


[FRANZISKA & MILES]
Are you truly as perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


[MILES]

*kisses her palm then stares deeply into her eyes*

(Murmurs)

Meine Dame, too long I have yearned for this
and now that it finally has, I hope we've started something that will never end.


[FRANZISKA]

*raises a hand to his face*
(speaks)

As do I, liebling


[BOTH]

Are you truly as perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


Franziska was holding both his hands in her own as she peered up at him through her lashes.

"If this is just a dream, Miles Edgeworth, I do not ever wish to awaken again."

"I have no need for sleep when my reality, at last, surpasses even my wildest dreams, Franziska." He stroked her cheek. "Together, we are nothing but the most perfect of fools."

"In your words, I am safe because, in my heart of hearts, I know they are not mere words." She let out a sigh of contentment. "You have been there every month, every year. You have been there in the good times and the bad."

"And I shall continue to be there for you, for the rest of my days." Miles ran his index over her now quivering lips. "I swear this to you, Meine Dame."

"Even knowing my faults, of which there are many, you have been there to listen, to defend, to love. You understand my anxieties, my triggers and the ghosts that haunt me, driving actions that are so illogical to others."

Franziska had to brace her hands against his chest to keep from melting into his arms. She first needed to bare her soul, unflinchingly, just as he had.

"In return, I keep you safe with my words, my deeds. In turn, I am the one who will always be there for you, be honest with you, to listen and care. I will not always have answers for you, and you will not always have answers for me, but you will never be alone in your problems and neither will I. So today I will paint you a picture of my love with words, and then every day, I will prove they are true. Now that I have spoken my heart, there is only thing left to say to you, liebling."

The German beauty's eyes twinkled with a naughty glint as she pressed her lips against his fingertip.

"Now satiate my yearnings for you at last and kiss me, you fool!"

"Your fool." Holding her gaze, he said solemnly, "I've yearned, too, Franziska."

She took one step forward and found herself crushed against him, his arms like iron bands around her. His mouth seized hers with fierce tenderness, his hands shifting over her back and sides in a possessive caress, pressing her ever tighter to his chest and hips and legs. Slowly, tantalizingly, he coaxed her lips to part, and when they did, he deepened the kiss. Miles kissed her until Franziska was breathless and leaning into him, fitting her body to his muscled length, her arms wrapped around his neck to hold him closer. When he finally broke the contact, he kissed her cheek and the corner of her eye and her temple, then he laid his jaw against her hair.

"I yearn," he breathed. "I'll always yearn." Against her cheek, his chest felt warm and hard. Filled with heightened desire, Franziska was aching for him to kiss her again. Feeling emboldened, she set about to make it happen again by sliding her own hands along his spine, and when that only made him hold her closer, she took a more direct means.

Tipping her head back, she gazed into his heavy-lidded, smoldering gaze and slowly slid her hands over his firm pecs in an open solicitation, watching the banked fires in his eyes begin to burn.

Miles accepted the invitation by sliding his fingers into the hair at her nape, holding her mouth within his reach as he lowered his head and whispered gruffly, "Meine Dame, how I've yearned…"

 

Chapter Text

 

"Irritator"
Sung to the tune of "Believer"
from the TV series Riverdale


 

[It was a slow day at the Prosecutor's Office and Edgeworth was spending it casually reading a case file at his desk. However, his reading was cut short when Winston Payne burst into the office, glaring daggers at the Chief Prosecutor as he squeezed the life out of a newspaper clenched in his fist.]

 

["You've got a lot of explaining to do, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth!"  Winston screeched as he stormed up to his superior's desk, looking as intimidating as a Payne could look- which is to say, not very intimidating at all.]

 

["I should be telling you the same thing. What gives you the right to barge into my office without even knocking?"  Edgeworth sternly asked as he slammed his palm on his desk. "I realize that I haven't been making life easier for you with all of the clutter I've been leaving around this office over the years, but that doesn't give a janitor the right to cause such an outburst."]

 

["Objection!"  Winston screeched at the top of his lungs. "I am NOT a janitor! I am a prosecutor! Though how would anyone know that since you're busy sidelining us American prosecutors in favor of employing foreign guys from the middle of nowhere?!" The pathetic prosecutor yelled, holding up the newspaper that he had brought with him which contained a large picture of Nahyuta on the front cover and an article detailing how the foreign prosecutor was defeated by Apollo Justice in the case of State vs. Trucy Wright.]

 

["I'll have you know… I'm sorry, what's your name?"  Edgeworth asked with a perplexed look on his face.]

 

["Payne! Prosecutor Winston Payne, a man who has worked here for over fifteen years and whose brother is the chief prosecutor of the country that you're importing prosecutors from!"  Winston snarled with a slam of his foot. "I can understand when you choose prosecutors like Gavin, Blackquill, and even that sad Debeste guy over me- they're talented kids who need experience- but when you ignore me during a prosecutor shortage and even go as far as to bring in people from overseas to prosecute cases instead of simply walking down the stairs and handing me a case file, that is where I draw the line!"]

 

["Do you truly feel that I'm doing this on purpose?"  Edgeworth growled with crossed arms. "Do you honestly think that I would spend the money necessary to fly a prosecutor over here if I knew that there was one available in this very building? Perhaps we would be having this issue if you weren't so forgettable, Mister… This is awkward, but I seem to have forgotten your name." The Chief Prosecutor mumbled under his breath as he adjusted his glasses.]

 

["PAYNE!"  Winston screeched as he slammed his fist on his superior's desk. "But if you're having a hard time remembering, then maybe THIS will help!" The irritating prosecutor confidently stated before breaking out into song.]


 

[Payne]

First I'll say,

I've put up with this abuse for too long,

But now I've reached my limit so I'm fighting back in song.

Do-dooh!

I'm fighting back in song.

Do-dooh!


 

Next I'll tell,

How I hate that no one ever noticed me,

Here for at least fifteen years.

A shame, wouldn't you agree?

Do-dooh!

Wouldn't you agree?

Do-dooh!


 

My dreams were crushed at forty-nine,

But I haven't let defeat keep me down,

As I'm in court fighting rookies,

Who laugh at me, sneer at me, bluff at me, ignore me,

And win the case in an hour,

Leaving me feeling so sour.

But you'll never see me cower,

Because my name is Winston…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Third point's up,

I may not be very demanded,

But at least my methods have never been underhanded.

Do-dooh!

Never been underhanded.

Do-dooh!


 

I'm always lost in the crowd,

A ninja hidden by a shroud,

The sun obscured behind a cloud,

My praises never sung aloud.

They're overlooked,

My wit, good looks, and experience,

Disregarded, disdained,

But now I will scream it so loud,

You can't ignore…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.

Payne!


 

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Last I'll speak,

About how I possess a noble bloodline,

Related to Auchi the Great,

Who made crooks resign.

Do-dooh!


 

Who made crooks resign

Do-dooh!


 

His wit, good looks, and experience,

Disregarded, disdained,

But I'll avenge his good name since,

You can't ignore…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

["So, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, what do you think of me now?" Winston smirked with his hands on his hips.]

 

["I don't even know how to respond to that cacophonous insult to music, but one thing I do know is that they'll be calling you Gumshoe after I'm done cutting your pay, Mister… What was your name again?"  The Chief Prosecutor asked, a confused look forming on his face as he cocked his head to the side.]

 

["Forget it!"  Winston angrily huffed as he stormed out of the office, making sure to slam the door behind him as loudly as he could.]

 

[After the forgettable prosecutor left, Edgeworth just stared at the door in complete silence as he tried to process just what had transpired. However, that silence was quickly broken when the Chief Prosecutor pulled a notepad and a Steel Samurai pen out of one of his desk's drawers.]

 

["Note to self: Hire new janitor, posthaste."  Edgeworth mumbled to himself as he quickly jotted down a reminder to himself before returning the notepad and pen to their proper drawer.]


 

 

Chapter Text

 

"I'm Debeste"
Sung to the tune of
"Be Our Guest" from Disney's
Beauty & The Beast


 

"Yay! You're finally home! Come into the dining room, Pops!" Sebastian Debeste cried excitedly, trying not to feel too dejected as he limply dropped his arms back to his sides, as the ebullient hug he'd just greeted his father with had gone unreturned. "I have a big surprise for you!"

"It's late, y'know!" Blaise Debeste growled, barely hiding his grimace as his utter waste of sperm offspring grabbed his hand and dragged him through the grand foyer of the enormous mansion, towards the dining hall. "Shouldn't you be upstairs studying for your big law exam tomorrow, instead of arranging what's sure to be a total waste of both our times?"

"Have a seat, Pops and just relax while the servants get your dinner together," Sebastian coaxed, barely masking his visible hurt at the cold words as he pulled out the plush wingback chair at the head of the table for the older man. "You're looking trees fatty-gay!"

"What the blazes did you bray at me, boy?!" Blaise's eyes narrowed dangerously at his son. "Did you just call me fat and gay?!"

"C'est français, Master Blaise," Marie, the Parisian head chambermaid intervened quickly, rushing to the Chief Prosecutor's side out of nowhere and dropping a linen napkin onto his lap with one swift hand while laying out his silverware with the other. "As you know, the young master has been studying the language as his course elective at the Legal Academy. He meant to say: très fatigue, as in,you're looking a wee bit tired, that's all! Now please, relax and enjoy the show."

"Well, his accent stinks worse than a fat kid in a clown costume," Blaise grumbled, already pulling out his ever-present lighter and flicking it agitatedly. "Wait – showWhat show?!"

The lights in the room suddenly dimmed, including the great chandelier hanging overhead, and Sebastian appeared in the corner of the room, his trusty wand clenched in his gloved fist, and a dozen of the household servants lined up like a chorus choir behind him, an eager smile on his face.

"Don't worry about my courses, Pops. There's no need for me to study, because there's no doubt I'm going to Ace that final prosecutor exam tomorrow, like I have this entire course!"

Sure, thanks to me paying off those corrupt school officials to keep pushing your imbecile arse through, Blaise thought sourly. Feigning your competency didn't come cheap either!

"After all," the clueless teen prattled on merrily. "There's no doubt I'll nip it in the butt! After all, as you always say, I'm the best! Or rather… cuz I'm Debeste!"

I'd hoped falsely bolstering his ego would make up for the lack of hugs over the years, Blaise lamented disgustedly, although making no move, as usual, to correct the misnomer on the lost cause of a boy. But all these years of grammar school and the idjit still can't even get a common phrase right?! In context or pronunciation?!

"Ma cherry, Papa…" the future DA began, his terrible grammar, coupled with his wince-worthy French accent, prompting his father's eyes to fill with self-pitying tears behind his goggles.

Just kill me now! Blaise facepalmed. If my idiot son's total knowledge of law is anything like his grasping of French, the final cost of getting him to become a prosecutor is going to cost me a king's ransom!

Blissfully unaware of his parent's dark inner monologue, the bowl-cut youth continued with his preamble.

"Allow yourself to be compelled and bemused by this redundant spectacle I will be conducting - and performing! – With our hardworking staff tonight, Pops! So sit back and enjoy our version of a great classic from my all-time favorite movie!"


 

SEBASTIAN

{Sings}

I'm Debeste. I'm Debeste.
I'm a cut above the rest
Just eat and drink and be merry
Cuz I'ma ace that test!
Have no fear
Father dear
As you no doubt have observed
I'm a genius! Très ass-piss-shizz*
Ignore all slander! Pure delicious! **


 

Your offspring's so advanced
He could be the King of France!
Second to none cuz y'know he is the best!
Go ask around and then you'll
Find out that it's all true
I'm Debeste
Oui, Debeste
I'm Debeste!


 

SEBASTIAN DEBESTE AND MAIDS

"Proud of you!"
Is what you'll say
"That's my son, the new DA!"


 

SEBASTIAN

I'll stand tall and flick my hair
Upon this prideful glory day
I'm all grown
And prepared
Top of class it'll be declared
See the fruits of all my training
After tonight's entertaining
I am shrewd
And I'm slick
Like my brain, my wit is quick!


 

MAIDS

And your faith is not misplaced
Don't you forget!
This boy is full of sass
But he has won free pass
Cuz he's the best!


 

SEBASTIAN DEBESTE

Don't you stress
Legal Einstein and Debeste!


 

MAIDS

He Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!


 

SEBASTIAN

Law's meant for preserving
Goddess of Law I am serving
In hands of justice I place my fate upon
Oh, those late nights of study were brutal
Barely getting sleep from dusk till dawn
My own butt I have been busting
These raccoon circles disgusting
So that someday I'd get the chance to use my skills
Most days I'd ask: "is it worth all the hassle?"
You'd shout: "Stop being so lazy! Don't quit now cuz it'd be crazy!"


 

BLAISE
{Sarcastically sings under his breath}

He's Debeste! He's Debeste!
Had no clue I was so blessed!
Thank the Lord he was smothered
For so long on his mother's breast!
Has IQ of a flea
But y'know that's fine by me!
Bought the false praise I've been cooing
Luckily that's his undoing!
Thinks he's smart, but he's not
Such a pompous little snot!
How much further can this idiot regress?


 

MAIDS

We're all so proud of you!


 

BLAISE
{Sings inaudibly}

Got a bridge to sell you!
A joke! Debeste?!


 

MAIDS

He's Debeste!


 

BLAISE
{Smirking}

Yes…the best!


 

MAIDS

He's the best!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!


 

MAIDS

He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
Prodigy! It is no jest!
Over the years we've wiped his tears and now
We'll watch him beat his chest!
Master Blaise! Be appeased!
He will be the next Big Cheese
We'll bask in the glow of knowing
He's prepped for
The path he's going
School is out! It's all done!
Victory! Hurrah! He's won!
Come and wish him well upon his legal quest!
Master come raise your glass up
Make a toast for your pup
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
Yes, He's Debeste!


 

"AHHHH!" Blaise screamed at the top of his lungs as he sprung up in his bed, breathing shallowly as he squeezed the life out of his red satin covers. "What the hell?! What even was that? There was a mansion, and maids, Sebastian being an idiot in two languages instead of one, and – Sebastian…!" The PIC Chairman growled, his eyes narrowing as he was overcome with the usual rage that he felt towards his son.

Being the vindictive, hate-filled man that he was, Blaise wasted no time in getting out of his bed and grabbing his lighter before storming over to Sebastian's room, dressed only in his red satin boxers. Upon entering the room, he saw his little disappointment fast asleep in his bed, having a happy dream if the smile on his face - an act that the corrupt public official would not stand.

So with one swift, powerful tug on the naïve adolescent's comforter, Sebastian was suddenly woken up screaming as he fell to the ground with a powerful thud, tears filling his eyes as he looked up at his father's cold glare.

"What was that for, Pops? I was having so much fun dancing with Mr. Froggy and his talking unicorn, Sir Dippy Whippy!" Sebastian sobbed as he rubbed his knees, which were covered by the red felt of his footie pajamas. "Oh my gosh! I think my knees are scrapped!"

"Good! Now we're even!" Blaise snarled as a large pillar of flame erupted from his lighter. "Y'see, maybe that'll teach you not to appear in my dreams and start singing musical numbers! Y'know, I'm able to put up with all the stupid crap you do during the day, but when you start ruining my sleep with it, that's where I draw the line, y'see! So stay out of my dreams if you know what's good for you!"

"I-I'm sorry, Pops. I-I'll never do it again..." Sebastian whimpered as his father stomped out of the room, grumbling numerous profanities under his breath as he slammed the door behind him.


 

Sebastian's idiot-speak comedy of error translations:

*Ass-piss-shizz – auspicious

**Delicious - malicious


 

 

Chapter Text

"Prosecutemon World"
Sung to the tune of the Season 2
extended theme version
"Pokémon Anime – Pokémon World"

 

Yeah… Yeaaah…
I'm the best.
Yeah… Yeaaah…


 Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I love to torture with,
Peerless zest!
Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I hate my idiot son,
Like a pest!


 I wanna spread my dark corruption,
Like an evil wave of woe.
(I'm the best!)
So watch your back and don't forget,
Just who's running the show.
I wanna reach heights no one's seen,
Lording over all.
(I'm the best!)
I strive to make the world Hell,
With the power on my lapel,
Y'see!


 We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest,
Y'know!


 Yeah… Yeaaah…
G-G-Gotta cry.
Y-Yeah… Y-Yeaaah…


 Every time that I'm opposed,
I'm always ready.
(I'm the best!)
When an idiot stands to fight,
They've disappeared already.
(I-I-I'm the best!)
In my heart, I'm certain,
Of the monster that I am.
I'm here, bullying all,
And to show the world I'm the best,
Y'see!


We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest,
Y'know!


 Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I love to torture with,
Peerless zest!
Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I hate my idiot son,
Like a pest!


 I'm the best!
G-G-G-Gotta cry…
I'm the best!
With the power on my lapel.


 Y'see,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest!


 Y'know,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all,
With the power on my lapel!
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, I won't jest,
That I'm better than, better than, better than all the rest!


We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest!


Y'see,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord who's the very best!)
We all live in a Debeste world.


 JP: Special (1-Year) Anniversary Duet Bonus feature - Part 2! That's Wright - a 2 -4 -1 double hitter, with me doing my own throwback to the Disney flick that got the ball rolling with, Mulan! Unlike CT though, my unmentionable sequel had nothing worth mentioning not only plot-wise, but song wise, so here is the one ear-worm from the movie I haven't covered yet, featuring my favorite loathsome gangsta wannabe, Daisy Duck!(Keep reading to find out why I've made that his new nickname – thanks for that whole Merkatis shtick, CT!)


 "Dishonored Us All"
Sung to the tune of "Honor to Us All"
from Disney's Mulan


"I don't know how I can ever show my face again in public after your inexcusable hooligan behavior in the courtroom, Wocky!" Plum Kitaki exploded as she paced the living room, all the while shooting daggers at her petulant son, who sat with crossed arms on the sofa and refused to look at her. "Rather than being grateful that Mr. Justice cleared you of all charges, you instead insist on acting like a spoiled, entitled brat over our change of family business! You're lucky your maternal Grandma Peaches, wasn't alive to see your shameless behavior! She would be as embarrassed by you as I am!"

"And my father, the great Shiitake Kitaki, would be spinning in his grave from the ignominy you have brought us!" Winfred added ominously. "He wouldn't have thought twice about taking a switch to your overly coddled behind, either!"

"Disgraceful!" Plum spat.

"Shameful!" Winfred agreed wrathfully.

Wocky continued to silently huff and ignore them both, which only made the former mobster couple even angrier.

"Looks like we aren't getting through to him, dear." Winfred crossed his arms over his barreled chest. "When words don't do the trick…"

"Looks like we need to use a more melic method for this argument," Plum nodded readily as she and her husband burst into song.


 [Plum and Winfred]
[sing]

You are the son we've been dealt with
Could you be any worse?
Fortune shall make you next heir
But you're more a curse


 We should have whipped your hide
For the fact
That you are spoiled and snide
Because of you we can feel no pride
You have dishonored us all!


 Speak like thug!
Fox hairdo!
Brings us great shame to be seen with you
Where'd we go wrong?
We don't have a clue
You have dishonored us all!


 A boy should bring his family
Great honor for all days
But first you must detach
Yourself apart from your goon ways!


 Girl want boys with good face
Not a furry
Complete disgrace!
Screams ill-breeding
With your fashion taste
You have dishonored us all!


 We all will become bakers now
Surrender all our guns
To keep you safe from harm
Since you're our only son


 As a "G"
Epic fail
Hoodlum life has been
Beyond the pale
Land in jail again we'll
Say "no bail"
You have dishonored us all!


 Boy, get ready
Straight path
No more speaking obscenity
A chance to be valiant
Our honor is your duty
You must proudly show it
Haircut! Change fox to sweet woodchuck
Cuz all mob ties we cut!


 [Wocky]

Moms and Pop!
You feel me?
Can't be nuttin' but a
Straight up "G"!
Don't give a hoot
For a bakery!
All your shizz be just banal!


  [Plum and Winfred]

Defy us – meet undertaker!
Hail your fate as troublemaker…
You will be
Prison bitch
Best hope for you
Would be Warden's snitch
Wife of Bubba
A more likely sitch
You'd be his porcelain doll


 You have dishonored us!
(You have dishonored us!)
You have dishonored us!
(You have dishonored us!)
You have dishonored us all!


 [Winfred]
[Grim expression]

This will be your life if you don't straighten up and give up your hoodlum ways, son…


 [Wocky]
[Stamps his foot and scowls]

Whaaaaat?! That song was colder than dirty Yeti junk, man!
Moms! Pops! Why you gotta play me like that?!


 Winfred
[stern glower]

Son, not only are you an embarrassment, what with making yourself look
like a fool in less than ten minutes
of the trial starting by not only threatening the Judge…


 [Plum]
[Glares]

And this was in spite of your father and me practically on our knees before your trial,
profusely begging you not to do anything stupid!
But then, to make matters words, you used the term "quacker!"
I understand why you would think Meraktis was a quack, but really, quacker?
That sounds like something a 5-year-old
would say to appear to be a ruffian,
not a 19-year-old man-child, wannabe mobster!


 [Wocky]
[Chin wobbles as tears fill his eyes]

Dang! Moooooms!


 [Winfred]
[Hands on hips]

I am still recoiling from the embarrassment I endured in having a son who felt that "quacker"
was the perfect "bad boy" term to be the perfect foundation on which to build his reputation as
a hardened criminal! With that in mind, it probably would have served you right if you had ended
up in prison on bogus murder charges, being forced to work in a chain gang amongst
fellow inmates who would thereby dub you the nickname, "Daisy Duck!"


 

[Wocky]
[Cringes and swallows hard]

Fine! Whatevs! We be bakers then, yo!
But can we at least call our shizz "O.G. Crackers"
instead of "O.G. "Muffins?"


 [Plum]
[smiles hopefully]

Well, the fruit of our loins finally seems to be coming around to embracing our new, 'clean' family business…


 [Wocky]
[Strikes a fake karate stance]

Cuz "O.G. Crackers" sounds tight, ya feel me?
And this way, we still be getting' some street-cred, yo! Bizzoy!


 [Plum]
[groans]

And…I spoke to soon…


 [Winfred]
[sighs]

Alas, Plum, my dear, in the quest for someday
"standing tall" it still seems we have a long way to go…

 

Chapter Text

" I Can't Wait To Be An Attorney!"
Sung to the tune of
"I Just Can't Wait To Be King" from
Disney's 
The Lion King

 

"Come on, Junie!" Athena tugged the frail, nervous brunette girl by the reluctant arm towards the detention center. "This will be my last time seeing Simon before he gets sent to the penitentiary, and I head out to Europe, so I want this to be a visit he'll remember!"

"Sorry, Thena." Juniper took a deep breath from her ever-present bloom and breathed in deeply as if for courage, eyes darting about anxiously. "It's just that… I've never been to a jail before! There are so many bad people here! They scare me!"

"Well, Simon isn't one of them," the red-haired pre-teen declared staunchly, as she pulled her nervous friend along. "He's a good man, who's been wrongfully convicted, and I won't rest until I've done everything in my power to make sure he's free!"

"And how, Cykes-dono, do you plan to do that, pray tell?" Simon's sonorous baritone sounded behind them, causing the girls to jump slightly, as they hadn't realized he had seated himself on the other side of the table, to which his hands where immediately cuffed by the burly guard who'd escorted him. "Have another bout of histrionics like you did in the courtroom, shrieking about my innocence until someone listens?"

Determined blue eyes met lifeless, resigned steel ones.

"Don't you dare doubt me, Simon Blackquill!" Athena jutted her chin. "We both know you're innocent of this crime, even though you pleaded guilty – and I'm going to prove it!"

"That's a big, bold claim to make from a mere Spring Chick," he deadpanned, although a glint of amusement lurked in his voice at her pluck. "Exactly how will a mere child turnaround the court-ordered decision to put me on death row?"

"By becoming an attorney!" Athena cried, jumping to her feet and slapping her tiny hands down onto the table, as though in a courtroom. "I'm going to get my legal badge over in Europe then come back to the States to clear your name! You'll see!"


[Athena]:
*breaks into song and begins to dance*

I'm gonna an attorney, so doubt me if you dare!


[Simon]:
*smirks*

Well, I've yet to see defense counsel with such dramatic flair!


[Athena]:
*points to herself*

Courtroom Révolutionnaire, like none you've seen before!
I'll crush your doubts into the ground
This is my vow for sure!


[Simon]:
*drawls*

'Tis balderdash! Naught more than a pipe dream


[Athena]:
Oh, I can't wait to be an attorney!


[Simon]:
Pure naïve urchin blather! You'll give up soon methinks


[Athena]:
*scowls*

won't be dismissed!


[Simon]:
*blinks in surprise*

Didn't mean to imply…


[Juniper]:
*chimes in*

She won't ever run scared!


[Simon]:
But why get your hopes up?


[Athena]:
I'll be saying "TAKE THAT!"


[Simon]:
*shakes his head*

Stop jawing, pint-sized!


[Athena & Juniper]:
Be a force to be feared!


[Simon]:
*exasperated*

I'm stuck here!


[Athena]:
Gonna study hard all day!


[Simon]:
*sighs*

Forgive me for having doubts


[Athena]:
Gonna make things go my way!


[Simon]:
I think you should accept cold facts and have a change of heart!


[Athena]:
Gonna re-trial your darn case – blow evidence apart!


[Simon]:
This willful little chit ignores the logic of my shouts!
Clings to belief that my verdict will somehow get a turnabout!
Law's just one big pointless journey!


[Athena]:
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!

*puffs out her chest*

Rest assured that I'm deft!
Giving this all my might!
Don't you worry, Simon
Ima make things right!


[Simon]:
*scoffs*

I'll bet!


[Juniper]:
Each day her resolve is only growing!
Dear Simon don't you fret about a thing!
This girl here will deliver what she sings!


[Athena]:
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!
Oh I just can't wait…
to be an attorney!


"Times up!" The guard barked, not at all moved by the performance. "Next time, keep your sing-a-longs for the playground, kids! This ain't no musical theatre!"

"Humph! Fine, we're going!" Athena snapped, then flashed a peace sign at Simon as he stood up. "But just you wait and see, Simon! Next time you see me, they'll be removing those handcuffs so you can give me a big, fat hug! Cuz I'm going to make a free man out of you!"

"You believe whatever you need to believe, Cykes-dono," the prisoner muttered under his breath as he was led away. "But I still think you should set those sights on Broadway, rather than on a courtroom career. You have some real persuasion in those pipes of yours."

And I really meant it, Simon Blackquill thought to himself, chuckling humorlessly. That girl almost had me believing, with the power of those vocals, that there's actually somehow a sliver of hope for this Dead Man Walking…

Chapter Text

 

"Corruption in the Courts"
sung to the tune of
"Zombies on Your Lawn" from the game

Plants vs. Zombies

 

After Klavier's touching performance of "The Guitar's Serenade" with Juniper at the Themis Academy School Festival, the area was filled with silence, a usual thing for the former rock star whose shows were always filled with the screams of applauding fans. So in order to help liven things up, Klavier felt that this was the perfect time for him to give the people the little surprise that he and Juniper were secretly planning since her trial ended.

"Achtung, beautiful people… and Herr Forehead." Klavier smirked as he stepped up to the microphone, effectively breaking the silence while also receiving a death glare from his courtroom rival who was standing in the audience. "I want to thank all of you for coming out here tonight… especially considering what has happened…"

The Europhile prosecutor took a deep breath as a look of sadness spread across his face.

"Professor Courte was a wonderful teacher and an even more amazing person. Half the time, it felt as though she wasn't a teacher, but a caring mother whose only wish was to see all students reach their full potential with honesty and integrity, no matter what course they were in. So I can say with absolute certainty that even though Professor Courte never directly taught us prosecutor alums, we wouldn't be where we are today without her. That's why I wasn't put in charge of bringing her murderer to justice, even though I wanted that responsibility so badly. The Chief Prosecutor wanted to be fair since another prosecutor course student who graduated with me, Herr Weinerlich, also wanted to prosecute the case for reasons similar to my own and was threatening to lock himself in his office and never ever come out if the role was given to me. But enough with this sorrow. Professor Courte wouldn't us feeling so down, ja?"

Klavier grinned as he flipped back his hair.

"And if there was one thing Professor Courte loved more than seeing people smile, it was spreading the good word about how the end is only justified through proper means. So without further ado, take it away, Fräuline President!" The former rock star exclaimed, stepping aside so that Juniper could take his place in front of the microphone.


 {Juniper}

Hey guys!

One, two, three!

There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.

We know their type: sinful, vile, and cruel,
Punishing the innocent to maintain their rule,
And then continue to destroy all that we hold dear,
But I was saved from that fate by my friend and her partner who's so hunky.
They hate all that's right,
We hate debauchery.


 {Klavier}
My friend was in my band.


 {Juniper}
In his band!


 {Klavier}
Tried to keep his crimes hidden.


 {Juniper}
Crimes hidden!


 {Klavier}
By blaming a teenage boy.


 {Juniper}
A teenage boy!


 {Klavier}
He was a villain!


 {Juniper}
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.

We have to take a stand and show we care.
I know that life can be hard and quite unfair,
But crimes only make the world darker.
Felons may think we lack the guts,
But they'll soon know that's wrong
Since we're bettering the system with each passing minute.


 {Klavier}
My bro was a lawyer.


 {Juniper}
A lawyer!


 {Klavier}
Razed those caught up in his plans.


 {Juniper}
In his plans!


 {Klavier}
Thought the law bent to him.


 {Juniper}
Oh, no, no, no!


 {Klavier}
He was a villain!


 {Juniper}
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.


 

 

Chapter Text

 

"Phoenix's Lament"
Sung to the tune of
"Jack's Lament"
Disney's  The Nightmare Before Christmas

[It was eight in the evening as Phoenix sat behind his piano at the Borscht Bowl, vigorously rubbing the sleeves of his hoodie in an attempt to warm his hands which felt like blocks of petrified wood thanks to his crazy boss feeling that it would be a splendid idea to capture the feel of Mother Russia by making the place colder than a Siberian ice cream factory. And to make matters worse, no one was stepping up to challenge him to a game of poker, thereby forcing him to endure the bitter cold while keeping up his front that he had barely any skill at whatsoever. Still, even though the place felt less like a restaurant and more like a penguin reserve and the customers often tipped him to stop playing, the ex-attorney just toughed things out since his pool of potential jobs was all but plentiful thanks to his reputation as 'The Forging Attorney'.]

[So after puffing one last burst of warm air into his palms and rubbing them together, Phoenix gave one last sweeping look at the customers watching him before playing his own version of a Disney song that he was actually semi-decent at. Thank goodness for the many tutorial videos on the internet in regards to playing beloved Disney songs on the piano, or the customers would be even more irate.]


There are few who'll contest,

That I was one of the best,

A legal legend loved by one and all.

With the help of comebacks and bluffs in the courtroom,

I won many cases without a real plan.


Thanks to my quick wit and steadfast trust in my clients,

I've exposed fiends whose souls really stink.

With a proud "Objection!" and a finger point,

I have saved many innocents from the clink.


And after three years, it became a trend,

Where I'd find the truth behind every bend.

Yet I, Phoenix, the Comeback King,

Was stripped of my title with scorn that stings.


Oh somewhere in the depths of my soul,

A feeling has started to take form.

Foul play was involved,

Not in my control,

That someone's hate has done its toll.


I fought hard for the truth,

Acting just like a sleuth,

And I would love to do so again.

To a cold hag from Kurain,

I'm Mr. Goody-Pain,

And criminals saw me as their bane.


Since I was disbarred,

And have a kid to guard,

I have to take work wherever I can.

No man nor demon can emulate my skill,

When I screw up songs before they've begun.


But who among you can hope to grasp,

That the Comeback King with a pure heart of gold,

Would never be so cold?

Please believe that if I knew,

That fake evidence wouldn't have gone through.


Oh there's an urge growing in my heart,

To expose the one who tore my life apart.

This has nothing to do with my pride,

As I won't let a villain's crimes slide.


[After the song ended, the crowd actually applauded Phoenix, much to his surprise, and actually smiled when they gently placed their money in his tip jar, a stark contrast to the glares that they usually wore when they tossed the money in like they were throwing away toxic waste.]

[Once the crowd had died down, Kristoph, who was sitting at his usual table right next to the piano where he was enjoying his weekly Cosmo, got up to congratulate his 'friend'.]

["Well, color me impressed, Wright. Your playing was actually tolerable,"  Kristoph said with a warm grin before pushing up his glasses.  "Don't get me wrong, Wright. I like you as a friend and you're a great person to talk to, but your skills with the piano have for the longest time been much to be desired."]

["What can I say?" Phoenix nonchalantly remarked with a shrug of his shoulders. "I was bound to get better at my instrument of torture sooner or later on account of this being my new livelihood and all…" The card shark stated as he gave his friend his newly-infamous thousand-yard stare, prompting the Coolest Defense in the West to feel a pang of nervousness.]

["I know that it's been rough for you since you were disbarred, Wright. I really do,"  Kristoph stated in a reassuring voice as he gently put his hand on his 'friend's' shoulder.  "Granted, I still have my badge and use it to live my dreams every day, but I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't be able to go on if I ever lost it like you had. But still, please don't hold any malicious feelings towards Klavier. I know that he can be a bit… much, especially after living in the same house as him for most of my life, but he's a good man who was only doing his job."]

["Why would I have it out for your brother, Kristoph?"  Phoenix asked as he cocked his head out of confusion.  "Sure, he revealed that the diary page was forged, but I don't think that he was involved with it. I mean, if he was, then my friend Edgeworth, a.k.a. the Demon Prosecutor, would have brought that to light long ago."]

["Oh, good."  Kristoph said with a sigh of relief, his composure becoming slightly less tense.  "I was worried that you might try getting revenge on me or my family for what Klavier did to you after what you said in your song."]

["I think you've taken on one too many murder cases,"  Phoenix chuckled.  "When I was singing that song, I was over exaggerating for the sake of making things interesting. With how tired I am after working all day and making sure Trucy's taken care of, the only thing I can think of at the end of the day is getting some sleep. Though speaking of which, I better start playing another song before my boss comes out here and starts lecturing me."]

["Fair enough. Hopefully, this next one will be as good as the last,"  Kristoph chirped as he returned to his seat.]

["Ok, everyone, this next song goes out to all those people in the audience who have ever known a good time cowboy Casanova!"  Phoenix exclaimed, prompting Kristoph to nearly gag on the Cosmo that he was delicately sipping.]


 

 

JP: My turn! This is for  SilverDragon889  on A03. Sung by Maya after her 3 rd  bogus murder charge while Nick is visiting her in SOJ prison for allegedly killing the priest.

CT: Once again, JP outdid herself with this parody. But would you expect any less from the Fluffy Queen when writing a parody about the Burger Queen? Seriously, I can just picture Maya singing this parody while Nahyuta and Inga watch the surveillance footage with completely different reactions. The former would stare at the screen with a look of disgust while preaching about how those who sing musical numbers are doomed to 5,000 years in the Hell of Tone-deaf Singing; whereas the latter would be trembling in his chair, a look of terror forming in his eyes as he's reminded of the Great "Mamma Mia!" Tragedy of '09, which involved him, Ga'ran, every song sung in "Mamma Mia!" a paddle boat, and a stuffed lamb.


"Jailbird Queen"
Sung to the tune of Abba's
"Dancing Queen"
from the musical Mamma Mia!

Oooh
You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


Jail food sucks Nick, it really blows
Third time here so you'd think I'd know
Framed again for a murder
Found guilty, I will swing
Hanging here is the thing


Damn Melsa wants to see me fry
Good thing you're my Ace law guy
Not afraid of you losing
Defense will be divine
You'll fly by seat of pants
But losing ain't no chance


I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!


You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


When case looks hopeless, you prove them wrong
You don't give up, somehow stay strong
One turnabout to another
It's what you always do
I know that you'll come through
Cuz I believe in youuuuu…


I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!


Oooh
You can bluff
As you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


[Maya winks at Phoenix]

Beware the Comeback King!

Chapter Text

 

"Spiky & His Friends"
Sung to the tune of the
"Thomas & Friends"
Show Theme Song

 

These legal heroes really great
With them you can trust your fate
They wear yellow and red and blue
Fighting hard to defend you


 

Strive for justice day by day
Their powers help them on the way
With DA's they will contend
Spiky and his friends!


 

Phoenix! He's the famous one
Apollo! He can't be undone
Athena! She's almost at prime
Trucy! Magic's where she shines!
Maya! Knows her spirit stuff
Pearly's slaps are really rough!
Edgeworth! Fights tough but he's fair
The fop! Plays guitar in air!


 

These legal heroes really great
With them you can trust your fate
They wear yellow and red and blue
Fighting hard to defend you


 

Strive for justice day by day
Their powers help them on the way
With DA's they will contend
Spiky and his friends!

 

Chapter Text

"Let's Help Her Eminence!"
Sung to the tune of
"Let's Play with Monokuma"

from "Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls"


 

It was a regular day at the Anything Agency and Phoenix was using that time to read a case file for an upcoming trial. However, the spiky-haired attorney was suddenly interrupted by Maya bursting into the office.

"Nick! Nick! Nick!" Maya jovially screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran over to her friend. "I've just received the greatest gift ever- the gift to end all gifts!"

"The willpower to keep yourself from bleeding my poor wallet dry with your infamous four stomachs?" Phoenix wry asked, not even looking up from his case file.

"Don't be silly, Nick!" Maya chirped as she playfully slapped her friend's shoulder. "I'm talking about this!"

The burger-loving spirit medium pulled a videotape labeled 'Special Musical Episode' out of her robe, placing it right on top of Phoenix's case file so that he couldn't ignore it.

"A video, Maya?" Phoenix asked with a tone of slight irritation as he handed the tape back to his loyal assistant.

"Not just any video, Nick! This video contains an episode of 'The Plumed Punisher' that will never, ever be aired!" Maya squealed, hugging the videotape as if it was her baby.

"What?" Phoenix asked, flashing the excited fangirl a confused look.

"Yeah! Prosecutor Sahdmadhi mailed it to Kurain just for me! Apparently, he and Rayfa were cleaning out Inga's private quarters and found it in one of his desk drawers."

"Wait, why wouldn't Rayfa want to keep it for herself? After all, she's a huge 'Plumed Punisher' fan as well."

"From what I read in the note that Prosecutor Sahdmadhi included with the video, Rayfa doesn't want to watch any unreleased episodes that depict Ga'ran as a hero and Dhurke as a villain. That's why they're currently filming an arc where Dhurke, Inga, and the Plumed Punisher move past their differences and team up to fight Ga'ran, who's now a cyborg that fires lasers and breathes fire. But since this was the last episode that Inga worked on before he… you know… Rayfa couldn't bring herself to throw it out and instead decided to send it to a friend that she knew would appreciate it; which is why we're gonna watch it right now!"

Without waiting for her friend to respond, Maya rushed over to the television and inserted the tape into the VCR that Phoenix, like with his old dinosaur phone, refused to get rid of.

"Maya, no offence, but watching that episode is the last thing I want to do today." Phoenix stated as he went back to reading his case file.

"C'mon, Nick! I know you're an old geezer, but why don't you wanna have fun?" Maya whined.

"I like fun, but if I want to survive tomorrow's trial against Franziska, I have to study this case file." Phoenix retorted, slapping the back of his hand against the manila folder to emphasize his point. "And if Franziska does kill me because I decided to have fun instead of having some sort of strategy, I don't want it to be because I was watching the Khura'inese knockoff of 'The Steel Samurai'."

"But, Niiiiiiiiick! This is an episode that only we get to see! It'll change the way we look at the world!"

"That's what you said when Gumshoe sold you that video that he secretly filmed of Edgeworth wearing a Steel Samurai tee-shirt and tight European shorts while doing his morning calisthenics in his apartment as part of his line of 'Edgeworth merchandise'." Phoenix shuddered upon recalling that dreadful video. "And just so you know, I'm still having nightmares about it."

"Don't be such a baby, Nick!" Maya huffed with puffed out cheeks. "This episode will be fun, you'll see!"

"Yeah, I'll make sure to remember that when Franziska puts me in a coma." Phoenix wryly retorted.

"Well, if you don't watch this episode with me, then I'll tell Pearly, and you know how she gets when you upset me!"

"Hey, Boss, if you don't want to watch that video, I could take your place while you-" Athena called out from inside the bathroom, her voice filled with hope, only to be cut-off by Phoenix.

"Nice try, Athena, but you're not leaving that bathroom until the toilet is spotless."

"But I always have to clean the toilet!" Athena whined.

"Well, I've always had to watch these kinds of shows with Maya. So, it looks like we're even." Phoenix groaned as Maya turned on the video which proceeded to play 'The Plumed Punisher' theme song.

However, unlike most episodes of 'The Plumed Punisher', instead of going straight into the episode, it just stayed on the title screen as Inga started speaking in a tone that sounded like he really didn't want to do this.

"Hey kids, I know you wanna jump straight into today's episode, but before we get into all the action, drama, and comedy, Her Eminence has a little treat for you that she's been working very hard on. So because we all… like… her, and because she can be very… persuasive, here's Queen Ga'ran and the Ga'ran Kids."

The video immediately cut to Ga'ran standing in the middle of a stage where she had children who were dressed like the Plumed Punisher to either side of her in a straight, orderly line. Though Phoenix and Maya weren't focusing on the children or the former queen, but rather the props that were behind the group: fake trees that were typically used in stage productions that had the bodies of deceased Defiant Dragons – not mannequins with armbands, but actual corpses that used to be living, breathing people – dangling from the branches by the ropes ties around their necks like morbid fruits.

And as if things couldn't be any creepier, a cheery tune that wouldn't be out of place in a carnival that sounded eerily similar to the song from 'It's a Small World' started playing as the children started singing.


 Let's fight the Defiant Dragons,
And fill the air with their screams and yells.
Queen Amara died because Dhurke's the Devil in human-form,
So they must burn and rot in Hell.


 

Queen Ga'ran bears a holy light,
Which she will use to purge this blight.
Queen Ga'ran loves all her people,
So serve her and be gleeful.


 

If you see a Dragon in the streets,
Don't hesitate to beat in their brains.
We will create a mountain with all their bodies,
And crush Dhurke under their remains.


 

Kill them!
Kill them!
Kill them, Your Eminence!
Break them!
Break them!
Break them, Your Eminence!


 

If we band together in these most dark of times,
Dhurke will surely pay for his crimes.


 

Your Eminence, we will achieve peace,
When their blood flows through the streets.
We won't show a shred of mercy,
When we stab and bleed them out.


 

They will feel every shred of fury,
When we crush all their bones.


 

We will not stop till every Dragon's dead,
And their remains are all black, blue, and red.
The Holy Mother smiles down on us,
Because we serve Her holy cause.


 

Do not listen to Dhurke's silver tongue,
Instead rip it out painfully.
We only heed the word of Her Eminence,
As we fight that big bully.


 

When the dragons are defeated and dead,
We will light their bodies ablaze and see them melt,
And roast Dhurke on them alive so he knows how Her Mercifulness felt.


 

Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them, Your Eminence!
Crush them!
Crush them!
Crush them, Your Eminence!


 

Tomorrow will be a bright and joyous day,
When Dhurke's killed like base prey.


 

Queen Ga'ran's a woman of repose,
But even she has her limits.
Queen Ga'ran won't tolerate those,
Who threaten our safety.


 

Holy Mother, guide our hands and goals,
So You can damn Dhurke's soul!


 

The footage then transitioned back to the show's title screen where Inga once again started speaking.

"Thanks for listening to that little message from my… lovely wife. And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the epic fight between the Plumed Punisher and Dhurke's –"

However, before the episode itself could start, Maya quickly turned off the television.

"I think I'm gonna be sick, Nick!" She groaned, putting a hand over her mouth before making a beeline dash for the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

"Oh, c'mon! I just finished cleaning that, Maya!" Athena wailed at the top of her lungs.

"I never thought that I'd say this," Phoenix mumbled to himself as he just stared at the black television screen with a mixed look of terror and shock in his eyes. "But I think that I've found something more horrifying than 'Edgeworth's Honeybun Sunrise'! "

 

Chapter Text

 

"When Your Sister's A Demon"
Sung to the tune of
"When You Wish Upon A Star" from
Disney's  Pinocchio

 

When your sister's a demon
It never is too much fun
Putting out all of her fires
It makes me blue


She's not as sweet as she seems
No murder is too extreme
Wish she'd get hit by a car
Sometimes it's true


A wicked mind
Kills those she claims to love
Do I hate her? Well, kind of
She's done too much wrongdoing


I share the face of evil shrew
She'll rot in hell that's nothing new
When your sister's a demon
It's never much fun…

Chapter Text

"You've Been Killed"
Sung to the tune of
"You Are Dead" from
the game Total Distortion


"Mr. Edgeworth, do we really have to keep watching this video over and over again? You know I don't like seeing this kind of stuff." Gumshoe voiced with a pained expression on his face as he looked down at his superior's computer which was currently playing a video of Shelly de Killer strangling Juan Corrida with his own scarf, the maroon-cladded prosecutor sitting behind his desk while the scruffy detective stood behind the chair.

"I understand your discomfort, Gumshoe, I really do, but if we want to bring de Killer to justice, we need to have a solid grasp of his escape methods. And after what that monster subjected Wright, Maya, and Franziska to last month, that mission has become all the more important. So while it may be on the unsavory side, we must watch the footage that Engarde had taped thoroughly to see- and now he's gone." Edgeworth sighed with exasperation. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear that assassin isn't a man, but actually a phantom of sorts, what with how fast and seamless he operates. Well, time to rewind again." The maroon-cladded prosecutor stated with a shrug of his shoulders before attempting to restart the video, only to be stopped by an objection from his subordinate.

"C'mon, Mr. Edgeworth. We've been watching this video for three hours. Can't we take a little break?"

"Do you think that de Killer's taking a 'little break' as he stabs a dagger into his next victim's jugular?" Edgeworth angrily retorted as he slammed his palm on his desk to emphasize his point.

"But, Mr. Edgeworth, I-" Gumshoe tried to whine, flashing his best puppy dog eyes in an attempt to sway his superior, only to be immediately cut off.

"No buts, Gumshoe. We're going to watch this footage until we can come up with some kind of plan, and if I hear one more objection come out of your mouth, I'll suggest that we capture de Killer by hiring him to assassinate what's left of your-"

"Mr. Edgeworth! Someone's entering the room!" Gumshoe exclaimed, frantically pointing his meaty finger at the monitor as Adrian appeared on the camera.

"Yes, Gumshoe. That's Ms. Andrews," Edgeworth growled with his fists clenched. "She was the one who discovered the body, as well as the one who helped turn that case into the nightmare that it was."

"She really looks shaken up, Mr. Edgeworth," the scruffy detective noted as he watched the manager let out a shriek, accidentally breaking a nearby vase as she took an instinctive step back.

"Do you blame her? You'd act the same way if you suddenly realized that your cohort was just murdered. But what is she mumbling under her breath…?" The maroon-cladded prosecutor asked, increasing the volume on his computer so that he could understand what was being said.

"I can't believe it!" Adrian gasped. "That bastard's finally dead! Serves him right for what he did to Celeste!" The manager added with a snarl, only to take a deep breath and quickly regain her composure. "Calm down, Adrian. Celebrate later, act now. You only have one chance to take down Engarde, and you need to act fast. But first…" she smirked, getting right in Juan's face before proceeding to sing a song that she seemed to have been practicing for quite some time.


You've been killed, killed, killed!

You've been killed, killed, killed!

Thought you were rad,

But no one'll be sad.


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

Your life and fame were nothing but a bad fad.


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

You're pale and there's no beat in your chest.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Serves you right for what you did to Celeste.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Good to know you'll start to decay.

You've been killed, killed, killed!

There's no doubt that this is a wonderful day!


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

You're pale and there's no beat in your chest.

I'm glad you've been killed!

Serves you right for what you did to Celeste.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Aww, sweet that you died,

Just like your fiancé. And now you're in Hell.

You're damned,

Screwed!

How's it like being a corpse?


 Ta-ta, you're garbage, you're toast,

You're waste.

I hope Celeste spits down on you from Heaven.

Adios, muchacho,

Toodaloo.

Good riddance.


 

After finishing her song, Adrian proceeded to tamper with the crime scene, at which point, Edgeworth paused the video. And for the next few seconds, the maroon-cladded prosecutor and his subordinate couldn't help but stare at the monitor with saucer-sized eyes.

"Mr. Edgeworth…?" Gumshoe asked in an unsettled tone.

"Yes, Gumshoe…?" Edgeworth responded in a similar manner.

"I don't think that de Killer's the most disturbing part of the video anymore. Can we go back to watching him?"

"My thoughts exactly, Detective." Edgeworth stated as he restarted the video, making sure to never let it play beyond the point of Shelly leaving the room.

 

Chapter Text

"Ramen, Ramen (It's All I Can Afford!)"
Sung to the tune of
"Heigh-ho" from Disney's
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

These bigwig big prigs leave this poor dick broke
And always screwed


No figs, no jigs, no big shindigs for poor ol' Dick Gumshoe!
How can this Dick make wallet thick
When working for two stingy pricks


I won't whine! I won't whine! I won't whine! I won't whine!
Cheap eats while fighting crime!


I will not ever get a raise without causing a fight
I've gotten every pay cut there can ever be in sight


I'm working for a grumpy bore
The Wild Mare whips me till I'm sore
I wonder what I'm staying for?
Rough life for flatfoot pig


[CHORUS STARTS]

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!

Ramen!

It's all I can afford

Ramen! Ramen!
Ramen! Ramen!
Ramen!
It's all I can afford

Ramen!
(Ramen!)


[REPEAT CHORUS TO FADE]


CT:  I know that JP has already nailed a "Dancing Queen" parody in the form of "Burger Queen" back in Chapter 69, but after reading my reply to the review that Joeclone left for that chapter in which I pondered the possibility of what a "Dancing Queen" parody featuring Angel Star, a.k.a. the Cough-up Queen, would be like, my wonderful co-writer felt that it would be a wonderful idea to make that concept a reality. That's why for this double feature chapter, we've decided to really mix things up by each of us doing our own version of a parody already uploaded here that the other has written.  Though what makes things even more interesting is that at the time of writing this A/N, I don't know which of my parodies JP is going to be covering. But regardless of which one my wonderful co-writer decides to tackle; I know she'll do a great job as always!

JP: My hilarious co-pilot re-did a side-splitting Dancing Queen parody,  "Cough-Up Queen"  starring who else? Angel Star. Made me want to jive my heinie off! My version,  "Jailbird Queen"  if you want to compare, was on chapter 69! ;)


"Cough Up Queen"
Sung to the tune of
"Dancing Queen"
from the musical  Mamma Mia!

It was the first day of Lana's trial and Edgeworth was determined to prove without a shadow of a doubt that she murdered the victim, Detective Bruce Goodman- not because he strongly felt that she was guilty, nor a desire to restore his win record, but because the Chief Prosecutor made it personal the second she decided to commit the crime in the trunk of his car with his knife. As if the lowly gossips at the precinct and Prosecutor's Office didn't have enough fuel stoking their flames, now they were probably going to go around spreading lies that he was somehow the mastermind behind this whole thing. And to make things worse, his car would most likely be impounded and he'd be down one Portia. Though even if the car wasn't impounded, the maroon-cladded prosecutor would still have to spend an arm and a leg cleaning the blood out of his trunk.

Though thankfully for Edgeworth, luck was on his side in the form of his first witness being none other than Angel Starr, a renowned ex-detective whose skills were matched only by her promiscuity. Sure, Phoenix may have had some lucky breaks in the past thanks to Gumshoe's incompetency and big mouth, but today was going to be much different.

At least, that's what Edgeworth thought until he saw his star witness handing out lunchboxes instead of stating her name and occupation.

"Ah, and you, sir… Did you order 'The Fingerprint' lunchbox?" Angel asked with a warm smile, obviously taking pleasure in irritating the Demon Prosecutor.

"It is too early for lunch. Your name and profession, please." Edgeworth curtly requested with crossed arms.

"I can do better than that, Mr. Edgeworth. Boyfriend #9,001, would you be so kind as to start up my music?" Angel chirped, prompting a bailiff standing near the Judge's bench to pick up a boombox near his feet, turn it on, and hold it above his head as it started to play a karaoke remix of ABBA's "Dancing Queen."


{Angel}

Oooh,

She can't lie,

She can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now I'm here,

Saw the scene,

I am the Cough-up Queen!


I witnessed the crime from afar,

Done near that gaudy, foul pink car-


"Objection!" Edgeworth angrily shouted as he slammed his fist hard on the prosecutor's bench. "My car is clearly red, not pink! And furthermore, will the witness please state her name and- OW!" The Demon Prosecutor yelled out, nearly knocked off his feet by a deceptively heavy lunchbox being thrown at his head, courtesy of the Cough-up Queen as she continued her song.


{Angel}

She was a leopard woman,

Savoring her kill,

Getting high off of the thrill.


But that was her biggest mistake,

'Cause the Cough-up Queen takes no breaks,


So I gave her a few scrapes,

And made the world right.

She may have power and clout,

But I have my boyfriends…!


"Come, my boyfriends, sing for your Cough-up Queen!" Angel purred with a sultry grin, prompting half of the men in the gallery to stand up and start singing.


{Boyfriend Chorus}

She is our Cough-up Queen,

Fierce, yet fun,

Only thir- er, 21!


Cough-up Queen,

No one can top your looks or cuisine!

Oh yeah!

Skye can't lie,

Skye can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now you're here,

Saw the scene,

You are our Cough-up Queen!


{Angel}

I'm a tease,

I turn the boys on,

Leave them wanting more when I'm gone.

Searching for a new boyfriend,

I'm good with anyone.


"Well, almost anyone…" Angle bitterly added, casting a brief glare at Edgeworth with her demon eye before returning to her bubbly persona.


So, if you think you're the guy,

Then help me take down Skye!

The rest of the men in the gallery proceeded to join the others in the chorus.


{Boyfriend Chorus}

She is our Cough-up Queen,

Fierce, yet fun,

Only thir- er, 21!


Cough-up Queen,

No one can top your looks or cuisine!

Oh yeah!


Skye can't lie,

Skye can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now you're here,

Saw the scene,

You are our Cough-up Queen!


{Angel}

Beware the Cough-up Queen!


"Name. Profession. Now." Edgeworth growled as he slammed his palm on the prosecutor's bench.

I swear, first White, then my geriatric stalker- who, by the way won't stop sending flowers and 'Steel Samurai' merchandise to my office- then that hellion Cody Hackins, and now THIS…!? Is it too much to ask for witnesses to simply just state their names and professions? What did I do to deserve this constant torment?

"The name is Angel Star. Don't go forgetting it." Angel tittered.

That's right, little man, squirm. Squirm like the disgusting, lowly worm that you are! You deserve every second of this for what you and the Ice Queen of the Prosecutor's Office did to me!

 

Chapter Text

 I'll Make You Proud To Be My Daughter
Sung to the tune of
"Candle On The Water"
from Disney's Pete's Dragon


It was his nightly ritual, long after he'd tucked her in, to peer in through the crack of the sleeping Trucy's bedroom door, prior to hitting the hay himself. That sight alone was enough to make Phoenix realize deciding to adopt Trucy had unquestionably been the right decision.

I need to stop torturing myself about what's happened to me. For Trucy's sake, I need to believe that I am worthy of escaping this hurricane of thoughts, the positive and the negative analysis of the actions and words of others. I am worthy of love and a better life, I know am. So instead of wondering why all this had to happen to me, I'll try not to dwell on what's happened, and focus on this little moppet who depends on me.

There was just something strangely soul-soothing about seeing the peaceful expression on his little ward's sleeping face, in light of the devastating event that had occurred nearly two months ago, and turned his world upside down.

His own father, Roc Gryphon Wright, had always encouraged his only child to always buck up and be strong, in the face of any adversity. The memory of those loving words of guidance now flashed through his mind.

"It is not easy to live life sometimes, son," the late physician had advised his son. "To face the world with a smile when you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through and trust that you can survive this; you'll come out a new person, stronger and as long as you don't give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it."

Phoenix was filled with fresh resolve as he regarded the slumbering form of the pint-sized magician, who'd been a soothing balm for his wounded heart and battered mind.

The most profound thing we can offer our children is our own healing. For you, Truce, I will try to lick my own wounds, and be strong. Come to me in your summer time, when our laughter is as the daisies in the grass. Come to me in your winter time, when you feel as if ice freezes your heart and blood. I'll be your shelter, your guardian, your forever home... always with an open door, the key always in your pocket, and a love that is always yours. From this day on, I'll make my escape plan from my negative, self-destructive thoughts through the green leaves and under open skies on this path of anticipation about where this newfound journey of fatherhood will take me. I'll make sure to be a man who you'll take pride in having as a father…


I'll make you proud to be my daughter
Newfound dad role I'll never spurn
Your spirits need uplifting
But the tides are shifting
I'm safe to trust, as you've grown to learn


I'll make you proud to be my daughter
In this bleak life you are my light
As you grow up, I'll guide you
Always be beside you
Give my Trucy a bedtime kiss each night


 For all the times you've cried and felt blue
I'll move heaven and earth so you won't frown
Happy new memories now await you
I'll always be there
Know how much I care


 I'll make you proud to be my daughter
You mean more than you'll ever know
This bond I'll nay forsake it
Here's my hand so take it
My baby girl, here's what you should know
As far as blood oaths go
My love will only grow
My love will only grow
My love will only grow...


 The next morning, he was sipping his coffee at the breakfast table when his daughter bounced into the room, all rainbows and sunshine, as usual.

"Good morning, Daddy!"

"Good morning, Truce. Did you sleep well?"

"I sure did! I had the nicest dream!" There was an impish twinkle in her eye. "I dreamt of that pretty song from that Disney movie we watched last night after dinner. But in my dream, a man was singing it instead of a lady. And instead of singing about being a candle on the water, he was singing about how he wanted me to be proud to be his daughter."

Phoenix nearly did a spit-take of the scalding brew, his cup landing onto the table in a heavy clunk as he goggled the child, who was now sporting a mischievous grin.

"You – you heard me?" He gasped, his eyes the size of golf balls. "I had no idea! I thought you were asleep!"

"Nope!" She shook her head, blue orbs dancing. "I only pretended to be asleep, because I was scared that if you knew I was awake, you'd stop singing, and I didn't want that, since you have such a beautiful voice, Daddy! And I want you to know that I'm already so proud to be your daughter."

As he reeled back in astonishment from this unexpected confession, she beamed at him mysteriously.

"And to prove it, I wanted to show something I've been working on this past month – TA-DA!"

With a flourish, she raised the corner of her cape and spun around in a tiny pink blur several times, and when she whirled around to face him again, her pink ensemble was gone, replaced by a new top hat and cloak – in blue.

The astounding symbolism of the costume simultaneously took his breath away, and filled his heart with so much love and pride, he thought it would surely burst.

Blue. The very color Phoenix used to wear in the courtroom, when he'd been the blue defense attorney known as the Turnabout King. Even though the badge had been stripped away, the symbolism she'd tied to it obviously hadn't. Trucy clearly, without a word, and even before the official adoption papers had come in, had just demonstrated how her new life, her new identity, would no longer be as Trucy Enigmar, but Trucy Wright.

Because she really wanted the whole world to know she was now the daughter of Phoenix Wright.

"Trucy…" He felt a lump forming in his throat. "I – I don't know what to say…"

He felt a prickling sensation behind his eyes, but refused to give into the dam of tears threatening to consume him. Even if it was from happiness, he would not let himself cry in front of this precious darling. A man had to have some dignity, after all!

"You don't need to say anything, Daddy. But I hope it made you happy! Oh! I made you a card, too!"

Trucy reached into her cape and pulled out a colorful folded sheet of construction paper, which had an adorable, hand drawn image of a father and daughter wearing magician hats inside of a heart on the front.

"After you sang that song last night, I decided to write you a special poem, to show you how much you mean to me."

Her expression was bashful as she passed Phoenix the card and he began to read what was written inside. As he did so, he could feel the stinging sensation behind his lids begin to grow.


 I want you to let me grow up,
But at the same time I want you to still see me as your little buttercup.
I want you to give me some room,
But at the same time I want you to always be there in the doom.
I want you to hold me on stormy days,
When lightning strikes and outside it's a daze.
I want you to trust me, with your full heart.
Even when I mess up, still trust every part.
I want you to hold my hand,
Silently be there without demand.
I want you to teach me by your walk,
Not just by the words that you talk.
I want you to guide me when I am lost,
To always show up without a cost.
I want you to love me, each and every day,
And every night I will fall to me knees and pray.
Thanking the Lord above for blessing me with,
A wonderful Daddy who, badge or no badge, is definitely no myth.


 

His throat was now aching from the unshed tears of emotion.

Thanking the Lord. That's what she'd written.

It was but for the grace of God that his eyes had somehow remained dry until now.

She was grateful for him, the disgraced man of infamous forging acclaim and tarnished reputation. Somehow, through all the darkness that surrounded him, this little angel had been sent to him; the sole beacon of light in his otherwise bleak existence.

With what little means I have, I am reinforcing my solemn vow to do my best to be there for her, shelter her, comfort her. There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep her safe from harm, but I cannot protect her forever. I can only be there when she falls and stand well back while she reaches for the stars.

Before he could even show reaction to the poignant verse, the little magician, with typical childlike exuberance, was already brandishing another item, which she magically seemed to have plucked out of thin air.

"I got you a real present, too." Standing there with arms akimbo, she flashed her trademark winsome grin. "After all, this is our first Father's Day together!"

"You didn't have to do that!" He protested. "You shouldn't be spending your hard-earned money from The Wonder Bar on me!"

"Well, it didn't really cost anything, since I used a lot of money buying the material to make my new costume," she admitted sheepishly, then smiled shyly as she placed the soft object in his hand. "So, don't worry, it's not something I bought in a store, Daddy. It's something I made, but I still hope you like it."

Phoenix picked up the knitted aquamarine cap and turned it in the light to see the large yellow lettering which read Papa, all the better. As he did so Trucy's eyes followed her father's movements, studying his facial micro-expressions. He knew not to be too quick to praise, or else his daughter might suspect it was insincere if he did so, but too long, and her little heart would fall into her magician boots. He let his face flood with a genuine, joyful smile, and at the rare sighting of her guardian's lit up visage, Trucy clapped her tiny hands and bounced on her toes.

"I love it," he assured her, clearing throat so his voice wouldn't break. "Thank you, Trucy. I'm very proud to be your Papa. I'll never take it off, I promise."

As he smiled indulgently and pulled on the crowning glory which completed his recently acquired, hobo chic ensemble, her earnest cerulean eyes now regarded him with a solemn expression that was far too serious for any 8-year-old to ever have.

"I know it's my fault you lost your badge, Daddy. I understand this costume and your beanie can't make up for that. But I also realize how you must feel so lonely sometimes, since Uncle Miles is working overseas and Miss Maya is away training. I wanted us to both have hats now, to show that we're now an official team and so you would know that you at least have me by your side, forever and ever!"

"At least?" He croaked, reaching out and pulling her into a bear hug so tight, he almost worried he would crush her tiny frame. "Baby girl, if I held my badge, even this world in one hand and you in the other, without hesitation, I'd take you. I know not everything I do makes it look that way, but life can get pretty complicated pretty quick. You are my own child, and though I loved the law, and being an attorney, with every fibre of my being, you mean more."

"I'm so happy you don't hate me for giving you that forged page, Daddy," Trucy whispered tearily as she buried her head in his chest. "Hearing you sing that song last night meant so much to me – because sometimes, you're so quiet and look so sad, it's hard for me to know what you're feeling."

"I'm sorry that I've been bringing my work poker face home to you, Truce. Let me tell you right now what I'm feeling, so you never have reason to ever doubt what's in my heart, ever again."

He drew back slightly and gently stroked her cherubic face.

"Know that being my daughter means something. It means I will protect you to the very last vestige of my power. I will stand before you should danger come your way, beside you as you find your footing, and only behind when you are grown up and ready to leave the nest. I won't ever leave you. Never."

His cadence was filled with tenderness as he continued.

"I hope you won't ever feel you have to earn a place in my heart, to prove yourself worthy. You never will. Although I wasn't there the moment you were born, there was no mistaking the divine spark that is your soul kindle within your eyes. Whatever challenges come your way, I know the real you, the one inside; the one that is my daughter. That's what you are to me, and always will be. Together, we'll be as close as law and love can make us."

Trucy let out a delighted squeal as she lurched herself into his arms again.

"That's right – because we're Team Wright!" She chirped, looking up adoringly into his face before planting a kiss on his stubbled cheek. "It's you and me against the world, Daddy! I love you 3000!"

"I love you too, baby girl." He drew her back in for another hug, uncaring about the stray droplet that fell down onto her cape. Dignity be damned! "Though these bones will age, Trucy Hecate Wright, my love is everlasting."

 

Chapter Text

  " The Plumed Punisher" Theme Song
Sung to the tune of the Plum Punisher theme from
the AA Spirit of Justice game

 

It was no secret that Inga hated his marriage. Ga'ran had always been a bossy, manipulative woman who siphoned away happiness from anyone unfortunate enough to associate with her like some kind of demented leach. That's why the Minister of Justice couldn't stand the thought of being in the same room as her, let alone having her come in his private chambers.

However, despite Inga hating the idea of essentially letting the Bogeyman enter his bedroom, it was a necessary evil to ensure the future of "The Plumed Punisher".

["Inga, please explain to me why you were so insistent that I come to this pigsty that you call your private quarters."  Ga'ran impatiently commanded as she tapped her long fingernails against Inga's wooden desk, staring down at the Minister of Justice with a look of mild contempt in her eyes as he tried to pull up a file on his laptop.]

["Like I said earlier, I need to get your approval for something involving 'The Plumed Punisher'. Now if only the damn video would load so I could get this over with."  Inga growled, slamming his fist on his keyboard as he glared at the spinning loading circle.]

["Admit it, Inga. You're just using this as an excuse for us to have a little… alone time."  Ga'ran seductively purred into the Minister's ear as she ran her fingers through his hair.]

["Get off of me, spider hag!"  Inga snapped as he swatted his wife away. "Why after 27 years of trying to avoid you like the plague and crying myself to sleep after our nights of torture would I want to do anything like that with you?"]

["Well, I was just thinking that perhaps you've been feeling like less of a man since yesterday, what with how that foreign attorney not only got another acquittal, but also hurt your reputation by revealing your horrible Lady Kee'ra scheme to the public."  Ga'ran said in the kind of demeaning tone that a mother uses to comfort her child.]

["One, that lawyer just got lucky again. Two, I already covered my tracks regarding Operation Avian Princess- which, for your information, was a brilliant plan. See, I ran an 'investigation' that revealed Neh'mu to be a loose cannon cop who didn't play by the rules, thereby effectively distancing him from the rest of the secret police. And three, how could that lawyer guy make me feel like less of a man when you've been fulfilling that role just fine on your own for what feels like eternity?"]

["True, but if that's the case, then once again, why am I here? Ever since we established the show's premise, I haven't felt the need to change anything about it. In fact, I'm a bit proud of that little show since it's one of the few things you've done over the course of our marriage that hasn't filled me with disappointment, which is more than I can say about your work in the bedroom."  Ga'ran sneered.]

["Since this damn video isn't loading, I might as well tell you now. After that lawyer revealed how… similar the 'The Plumed Punisher' theme song and the one for that American show, 'Iron Ninja', or whatever it's called, are, I've decided to modify ours in case news of this reaches the States and they come after us with their Hollywood lawyers. Sure, we've got your nephew, but even he's no match for those sleazy ambulance chasers. Hell, a couple of weeks ago, Nahyuta lost a case in the States to some loud, horn-haired child. That's why I'm not taking any chances and- Thank the Holy Mother, it's finally up!" Inga cheered as the video for his new and improved 'Plumed Punisher' theme song started.]


 When Dhurke's attacking,

She'll always help.

Plumed Punisher!

With her strength,

She makes the rebels yelp.

Plumed Punisher!


 When Dhurke's evil threatens the land,

The Holy Mother guides her hand,

Because she's the hero that Khura'in needs.


 Plumed Punisher, strike!


 With Lady Kee'ra's strength,

She can't lose.

Plumed Punisher!

She'll never let us fall to Dhurke's views.

Plumed Punisher!


 Minister Inga's her best friend,

Helps him fight crime until the very end,

Loves him for his bright mind and rock-hard abs.


 Plumed Punisher, strike!


 She! Jumps! And! Kicks! Butt!

Plumed Punisher!


 ["So, what do you think? Pretty good, eh?"  Inga smirked, chomping down on his cigar stamp as he tilted his head towards Ga'ran, who looked like she couldn't be any more displeased.]

["Inga, that was the most pathetic thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing, and I've seen you in the bedroom."  Ga'ran growled.]

["What do you know about taste, you overgrown spider? Have you ever looked in the mirror? " Inga scoffed.]

["While I may not be an expert when it comes to the superhero genre, I know when you're lying like a defense attorney about your appearance. You having rock-hard abs…?" Ga'ran tittered as she covered her mouth. "Your abs make the Pillsbury Doughboy's look like a boulder by comparison!"]

["C'mon, if you aren't gonna let me have any happiness in our marriage, then at least let me have some kind of joy when making my show!"  Inga snarled.]

["Look, Inga, I've been tolerant of your work with 'The Plumed Punisher' so far, but that new theme song is where I draw the line. I forbid you from changing the current one to that self-pandering cacophony!"  Ga'ran proclaimed.]

["In that case, I'm taking that Ga'ran Kids bit you filmed outta that episode we're airing in two weeks."  Inga retorted.]

["Don't be ridiculous, Inga!"  The Queen snapped. "The Ga'ran Kids PSA is not only informative, but a work of art."]

["Work of art, my ass! It's just a bunch of creepy kids singing some creepy song that you wrote! It's disturbing, see!"  The Minister of Justice roared.]

["Well, if you take my song out of the episode, then I'll have you executed for treason."]

["Ha! You think I'm scared of death?"  Inga sneered. "It would beat me having to look at your ugly face every day. I swear, sometimes I wish I was married to Medusa- at least she'd know how to make a man hard."]

["Is that a request, Inga…?"  Ga'ran purred, a sultry grin spreading across her face as she put her hand on her husband's shoulder.]

Knowing what kinds of horrors were about to unfold after years of marriage, Inga wasted no time in jumping out of his seat and making a beeline dash for the room's exit. However, right when the Minister of Justice put his hand on the doorknob, Ga'ran tackled him to the ground before dragging him back to his bed as he screamed like a little girl.

 

Chapter Text

 

"Papa You Floored Me"
Sung to the tune of "Mama Who Bore Me"
from the Broadway show Spring Awakening

 

 

Franziska von Karma's mind was laid waste by the earth-shattering news.

"I'm sorry, Franziska. I don't know what else to say…"

"Curse you, Miles Edgeworth!" She gripped the phone receiver so tightly, she could feel the seams of her leather gloves threatening to split open, just as much as her heart had been a minute ago when her foster brother had called her with the news about Manfred's fate at the hands of der Scheißkerl defense attorney! "I suppose this is your idea of thinking justice has finally been served! I bet you and that foolish Schwein, Phoenix Wright, are gleefully celebrating my Papa's downfall together!"

"Franziska, I can understand how this news is devastating but you couldn't be further from the truth." Miles sounded more tired than triumphant. "I couldn't possibly have wanted any of this! You should know me well enough to know I've never been the bloodthirsty nor vengeful sort. I was as utterly blindsided by all of this as you were! Please believe that I had nothing but great respect for Manfred as my mentor…"

"He was your mentor, but he was – is! – my father!" She shouted, cutting him off abruptly. "My flesh and blood! There's no way any of this could possibly be true!"

She angrily brushed away the tears of rage beginning to trickle down her cheeks.

"Papa was a genius! A legal legend who remained undefeated for 40 years! There is no way such an esteemed man of his office would stoop to such atrocious acts like forgery or murder!"

"I know you must be in shock right now," Miles said wearily. "But as a man who has made it his newfound mission to uncover the truth, regardless of the costs, I can tell you, Big Sister, that denying the truth will only make things more difficult for you in the long run…"

She couldn't hear another word. The news passed through her like a hurricane. Everything she and worked and struggled for now lay in ruins. But she'd be damned if she let her fool of a Little Brother be even an ear witness to her falling apart!

"Fahr zur Hölle, Miles Edgeworth!" Her throat aching from unshed tears, the tempestuous German prosecutor slammed down the phone as hard as she could before dissolving into a watery mass onto her bed, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

Papa, how could you? You couldn't possibly have reared an innocent child in your own image just to spite his father, whose life you took away by your own murderous hand! How could you do such a horrendous, evil thing? How am I supposed to defend you and uphold any pride in the Von Karma name now, when deep in my heart, I know that fool Miles Edgeworth has never been one to lie about anything? How can I do anything but admit to myself that as gut wrenching as it is,  deep down , I know all this is somehow actually true…?

The desolation she felt was all consuming. Her mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in her soul and wrapped icy tentacles around her heart so tightly, it almost stopped beating.


 [Franziska]

Papa you floored me
Papa you shamed me
Our famed von Karma name
The stigma's now so bad


 Blood crimes and cheating
My Papa's the Devil
No hope for heaven
Just Abaddon


 Someday I hope and pray, I can stop this bawlin'
Transcend your disgrace, and cast off your shadows
I won't just sit still here, sighing, lamenting all your mayhem
My day will come, and then the world will know
(My strength will show!)


 Papa you floored me
Papa you shamed me
Our famed von Karma name
The stigma's now so bad


 Blood crimes and cheating
My Papa's the Devil
No hope for heaven,
Just Abaddon


 How am I ever going to survive this dishonor, which shall now forever plague our prideful family name? How will I ever hold my head high again?

She felt emotionally bankrupt. The was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped her mind in swirling blackness.

Was this all life would have in store for her, hence?

No! She would not cower and be weak, or continue to wallow in self-pity! Such were the actions of weak, pathetic plebeian fools, and Franziska von Karma, above all else, prided herself to never being anything of the sort!

Yes, I am a von Karma, but that also means I am strong. I will survive this. I will create my own legacy, separate from Papa's, that will leave behind these bloodstains behind me. And somehow, someday, I will make my own name for myself.

She steeled her jaw and clenched her fists.

And so help me Gott, I will transcend…

 

Chapter Text

"As We Want"
Sung to the tune of
"According to Plan" from
The Corpse Bride

Being 20 can be quite the challenging time in life- a time for establishing your identity while also dealing with the hurdle of deciding what career path you'll venture down. Though for Kristoph Gavin, his difficulties are in a whole different ball park. For not only have his professors been slamming him with assignments left and right- as well as his social life being less than stellar, to say the least- but right now, he's sitting in the back of his father's Buick, grumbling to himself as he's being driven up into the mountains to some village in the middle of nowhere so that his parents can force him to marry some girl against his free will.

But while Kristoph is staring forward and glowering at the road ahead, his parents seated at the front of the vehicle look absolutely elated- particularly his mother who's smiling like the Cheshire Cat on Prozac. When people see Kharmen and Kristoph together, they can easily see the family resemblance given that they are around the same height, have similar builds, have long blond hair, and are nearsighted. However, contrary to her son, Kharmen is shorter, with a slenderer frame, a slightly rounder face, round pink-rimmed glasses, and her wavy blonde locks flow down her shoulders, contrasting to her son's orderly, drill-shaped style. And in terms of fashion, while Mama Gavin may usually favour more casual options- a blouse, blue jeans, etc.- on this important day, she's looking much more formal in her mint-green evening gown and matching pumps.

And seated next to Kristoph's mother in the driver's seat is his father, who may not look as happy as his wife, but has a smirk of excitement and pride on his face. As for Mr. Gavin's appearance, to make a long story short, he's a more masculine version of Kristoph- taller, more muscular, a squarer jaw, and his blond hair shaved down to a buzz cut. Though he does share some traits with his son, specifically preference for the same kind of glasses and favouring to wear dress clothes no matter the occasion. However, unlike Kristoph who prefers a more aristocratic look, Mr. Gavin prefers a much simpler and more practical blue dress shirt and brown khakis.


"So Khrissy, are you excited for today?" Mama Gavin squeals.

"Yes, Mother, and perhaps later, you can break my kneecaps with a hammer,"  Kristoph replies in a tone oozing with sarcasm.

"Don't you talk to your mother with that tone, boy!" Mr. Gavin coldly snaps"You should be elated about today."

"Yes, Father, because every young man dreams of getting married to some girl he's never met without a moment's notice,"  Kristoph wryly retorts with a roll of his eyes.

"Do you know how many men would kill to be in your shoes right now? You're going to be marrying into the Fey family and will be rubbing elbows with political giants like Abe Atishon."

"So that's why you've arranged this marriage? So, you can further your harebrained plan to become governor?"  Kristoph growls, his left eye starting to twitch.

"It's not a harebrained scheme, Kristoph,"  Mr. Gavin coolly states with the tiniest hint of rage in his voice.

"If it's not, then why have you've lost election after election for the past five years?"  The younger Gavin male counters with a warm grin.

"The guys at the country club say that my plans and ideas have potential. I just need more political connections to spread my message to more people."

"Oh please! The guys at your ragtag little country club would say that an inebriated circus chimp throwing its own feces has potential if it paid five grand a month to be a part of an establishment with rude service, atrocious food, and a valet that reeks of cheap cologne who steals all of the loose change in your glovebox,"  Kristoph retorts with pure venom in his voice.

"You leave the country club out of this!"  Mr. Gavin roars at the top of his lungs, pounding his right fist as hard as he can on the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.

"Koen, Koen! Please calm down! Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure!"  Momma Gavin pleads as she strokes her husband's arm.

"I am calm, Kharmen."  Koen snarls through clenched teeth . "But I'm not going to stand around while our son blatantly disrespects me and Willow Oaks despite everything I'm doing for him. Why, if I can become governor thanks to the Fey's influence, I'll be able to make more money than ever before and can pass on the Gavin Law Offices to Kristoph, thus securing his future."

"We know, Koen, we know…"  Kharmen soothingly states.  "But you have to understand that this is a stressful time for Kristoph. He's worried that he won't be able to make me grandbabies."

"You couldn't be more wrong, Mother."  Kristoph sighs in contempt as he pushes up his glasses.

"Don't be so coy, Khrissy!"  Kharmen giggles with a dismissive wave of her hand.  "Tell you what, if it'll make you feel better, your father and I'll sing you a musical number just like Shirley Temple would in one of those movies you love. Right, Koen?"

"If it means today will go by more smoothly… " Koen sighs with resignation.


{Kharmen}

It's the greatest day!


{Koen}

Yes, a very good day.


{Kharmen}

The day of my baby's wedding!


{Koen}

It's the rehearsal, Kharmen,

Don't go crazy again.


{Kharmen}

The rehearsal for my baby's wedding!


{Koen}

As long as nothing goes wrong to ruin the day.


{Kharmen}

And if something does, I'll make them all pay!


{Kharmen and Koen}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

My son won't disappoint,


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

And this marriage I can exploit,


{Kharmen and Koen}

Gaining a foothold in politics,


{Kharmen}

Outlawing brats that tease,


{Koen}

Exempt from parking fees,


{Kharmen}

Hurting people who fill me with anger,


{Koen}

Which you can do once I'm governor.


{Kharmen and Koen}

We'll be grand, in a new chapter,

Shaking hands with all who matter.

We'll rise with pride,

And we'll never, ever stagger.


Meanwhile in Fey Manor, Morgan is standing by a window, staring out towards the road leading into town with a forlorn look on her face, quietly sipping tea from her cup, as her ex-husband - a man who towers over her in height, possessing smooth, porcelain-like skin, soft long, curly brown hair, and blue eyes with an angelic look to them- approaches her with a walk that exudes refinement and dignity, two aspects of his personality that are extenuated by the white suit that he's wearing.


"In case you actually wish to be involved in some aspect of your daughter's life, Dahlia is currently being fitted for her wedding attire by several of the young acolytes under your guidance,"  Mr. Hawthorne replies in a passive-aggressive manner with a warm smile on his face.

"Thank you, Oleander…"  Morgan sullenly sighs, not even bothering to look at her ex-husband.

"Is something wrong, Morgan?"


{Morgan}

It's the worst day!


{Oleander}

And you wonder why I didn't stay…


{Morgan}

The day of my daughter's wedding!


{Oleander}

Quite the pitiable state you live in, Morgan.


{Morgan}

That's led to my daughter's wedding!


{Oleander}

All my hard work's shattered into pieces…


{Morgan and Oleander}

Our daughter's marrying into a family of leeches.


{Morgan}

They lack grace.


{Oleander}

They're terse.


{Morgan}

Things couldn't be worse!


{Oleander}

You think that? You couldn't be more wrong, Madame Fey.

A scandal could cause their family's reputation to wither away,

Existing as a hollow shell of its former self without any future,

Just like the Fey family today.


{Morgan}

Why me…?


{Morgan and Oleander}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

My daughter won't disappoint,


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

Good from my viewpoint,


{Morgan and Oleander}

As we achieve the repute of bygone years,


{Morgan}

When the Fey family,


{Oleander}

Was envied by our peers.


{Morgan and Oleander}

And whoever on Earth could have thought,

That Dahlia's face of an angel,


{Oleander}

And soul of a devil,


{Morgan and Oleander}

Would help us ascend to our proper level?


"So Kristoph, are you more receptive to the idea of marriage?"  Koen calmly asks.

"But what if I don't like this girl?"  The younger Gavin male replies, prompting his father to burst into laughter.

"As if something like that has to do with marriage?"  Koen scoffs, earning a death glare from his wife.

"But you had two children with Mother. You have to like her at least a little, right?" Kristoph reasons.

"Of course not!" Koen proclaims while Kharmen yells, "Of course!"

"You see, son, being married is like a lawyer and his client- sometimes you get a say, but in the end, they're the ones making all of the decisions. I would have thought that seeing my marriage…" Mr. Gavin states before transitioning back into song.


{Koen}

Would have given you a vision.

Would have given you a vision.


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Koen}

Do not fail our hopes!


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Kharmen and Koen}

Do not fail our hopes, hopes,


At that moment, the Gavin family arrives at Fey Manor, prompting them to exit the vehicle and walk over to the front entrance while Kharmen tries to straighten her son's suit coat. Meanwhile, Dahlia, who is wearing a white kimono, is escorted into the main parlor to be with her parents.


{Kharmen, Koen, Morgan, and Oleander}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…

As we waaaaaant!

Chapter Text

 

“He’s Here With You
Sung to the tune of
“He Lives In You”
Lebo M. Version
From Disney’s The Lion King 2


Sitting here, I am surrounded by flowers, blossoming with the benevolence you shared throughout your life. A reminder of the love you brought to so many. Each petal symbolizing your kindness and remarkable charm. Each stamen packed with the pollen of your style and wisdom.

The grieving boy sat at the front of the funeral. Everyone's heads were down. Maybe it was them showing respect or maybe there were too afraid to look at what was coming. The coffin was pulled from the hearse by six strong men, all wearing suits. The silence dwelled as they entered the church. It wobbled as they carried it to the front and gently placed it down. 

The coffin was dark stained cherry and it was perfectly polished. It had a cushioned and silky lining. It seemed inviting. It was good to know that at least his father was resting in a comfortable place. 

The shattered child sat rigidly in his seat, unable to reciprocate the unfamiliar but not unwelcome feel of Raymond Shields’ consoling arm around his shoulder the whole time. On his other side, Detective Tyrell Badd discreetly wiped a stray tear onto his sleeve and rested the other burly arm around the back of the boy’s chair, trying to maintain the stern dignity of his office but unable to suppress his emotions any better than the late lawyer’s subordinate.

Miles kept it together until they passed a picture of Gregory to everyone and that's when all the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. His father’s face seemed so alive and happy and he couldn't help but wonder what he looked like under that closed wooden box. He stared blankly at it, hoping in vain that a miracle would happen and he would rise again and come back to the world, come back to him.

But nothing happened.

Gregory Edgeworth was gone.

It's crazy how things can turn upside down for you. You see the person every day and suddenly, they're gone and when they go, a part of you goes with them too. Who knows where Father is going to end up, or if there even is a heaven? I like to believe that the place is inviting and calm and there's nothing but good in it; that he’s with Mother again, so hopefully that means he’s happy…

When the tears came, hot and endless, Miles knew they were for himself too, for the child that would now be forced to become an adult overnight; for the pain entering his world without the decency to knock first.

He pulled out his handkerchief from his pocket and mopped his face so he wouldn’t be a total mess. Somehow, he managed to make it through the service without making a complete scene, but as soon as it was over, he was overwhelmed with his grief and rushed to the empty men’s room, where he leaned against the sink and sobbed as though his heart was breaking.

I never experienced grief this bad before. It all started when I lost my Mother. It sneaked up on me quietly and took me under its arms in an instant. But I was only five at the time, almost too young to remember her, so it still didn’t feel as bad as this.

The awful hollowness, the waves of wretchedness threatened to engulf his mind, body and soul as the salty tears flowed unchecked from his eyes, down his round cheeks.

This is so much worse because since we lost Mother, all I had was Father. It was just the two of us, and it was good. He loved me, and I loved him. I am lost because I lost an even bigger part of me. My world and my hero. I was going to grow up and be just like him! Now, every memory plays like a song in my head, repeating itself for what seems like forever.  I can’t get that part back and I want it so bad as my life depended on it but it is all gone, vanished in thin air…

“Oh, Father!” He sobbed. “Father, why did you leave me?!”

“Miles?” A soft voice came from behind him.

It was Raymond. The boy hadn’t even noticed Gregory’s assistant’s presence – he’d been too lost in his own misery.

“I’m so sorry, Miles,” The young man lamented, squatting down so the boy could see the lachrymose dark eyes. “This is such a terrible loss. I didn’t know your old man as long as you did, although it was long enough to know he was a great man. But as much as I adored him, he was your father, and there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. However, just know while it’s OK to be sad, also try to remember that if you keep Gregory in your heart, he’ll still be alive inside you. He lives in you. And even though you may feel like he’s gone, as long as you keep his memory alive, he’s here with you…”


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


Fight! In these moments of strife.
World crashing
All around you
(Yes, it’s hard)
All around you


 So much grief, and you’re only a child
Sorrow
All around you
(Yes, it’s hard)
All around you


 Everywhere that you go
Every step he’ll guide you


 Weight of your sorrow is great
(All around you)
Boy stay strong, and keep faith
(All around you)
(All around you)
 Keep faith


 It’s hard,
(All around you)
It’s hard,
(All around you)
 It’s hard,
(All around you)
 It’s hard,
(All around you)


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s here with you


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s here with you


 He’s here with you


 The weight of your sorrow is great
Boy stay strong, and keep faith
(All around you)
 Keep faith


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s with you


 He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s with you


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


 He’s here with you


In the name of, in the name of father
He’s here with you
In the name of, in the name of father


"I can't say when it will get better, but it will get easier," Raymond promised, his arms wrapped around the weeping child in a consoling hug. "I went through this myself when I lost my own mom. I was around your age. At first, I thought grief was something bad that takes you six feet under, but I've since been learning that it's just the price we have to pay for loving someone."

Feeling slightly comforted by both the song and the commiseration, Miles closed his streaming eyes and briefly rested his head on the man's shoulder. While he returned the hug, his heart sent a silent message to his father that he now instinctively felt Gregory could hear.

Everything in life is recycled, or so that is what I see with these eyes. The atoms of one thing become those of another. The energy from one place becomes energy in another. So, while I have no idea where you are now, Father, or what God asked you to become next, I'm looking forward to the day when I can be with you again and I feel your love so strongly in the ether.  Whether we call it reincarnation or recycling, I'm okay with whatever. You are still somewhere, out there, up there, watching over me, and that's what matters to me. And as long as I carry you in my heart, you are not gone - just out of reach for now. I love you, Father. Forever and always…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

 

"Traitors"
Sung to the tune of "Savages" from
Disney's 
Pocahontas

 

Part 1

Inside the Khura'inese throne room, Ga'ran stands on the raised portion of the room in front of her golden throne, towering over each and every member of the secret police standing at attention in neat, orderly columns. And while the secret police are awaiting their queen's orders with the greatest respect, Inga, who's standing by his wife's side, is rolling his eyes and shifting his body back and forth, wanting nothing more than to run away from his wife- an attitude which has not gone unnoticed by the spider queen, earning him a subtle, yet painful, slap behind the head.

"I know that asking you to act refined is like asking you to know how to pleasure a woman, but try to look like a respectable man in front of the secret police ." Ga'ran growls in whispers into her husband's ear.  "It makes me look bad!"

"Trust me, that ship's long since left the harbor." Inga whispers back with a sneer on his face. "Why do you think they're so loyal to me? I tell them everything you do to me and threaten them that they'll suffer the same fate if they screw up, see?"

"Yes, but little do those officers realize that they'd all be an improvement over the disappointing two minutes I get on Mr. Inga's Not-So Wild Ride."

"Like you're one to talk? Doing it with you is like riding the Haunted Mansion- cold and scary. Hell, I train new officers by showing them an internet video of the Haunted Mansion ride to show them the extents I go to serve this country."

"Well, if you fail to rile up those officers into mounting a full-scale attack on Dhurke's base of operations, you can expect a visit from the Haunted Mansion tonight."  Ga'ran whispers with a sinister purr, pushing Inga forward by slapping his rear with a sultry grin.

"Members of the Secret Police, lend me your ear!"  The Minister of Justice proclaims, earning the attentive stares of his subordinates.  "As you know, these past couple of weeks have been a dark time in our nation's history. For over two decades, the DC Act has protected Khura'in and her people against the debauchery, the duplicity, and the dastardly tricks employed by defense attorneys. But recently a defense attorney from the west has rolled into our nation and, like a dark cloud that blocks out the sun, stole warmth and happiness from our fellow citizens' lives, replacing them with the coldness of fear and doubt after he defied the Princess' Divination Séance and lied his way to victory not once, but twice. And if it wasn't bad enough that he made you- Khura'in's bravest and most devoted of citizens- look like mindless mooks by acquitting those you've arrested using only the finest logic and investigation techniques, but he had the gall to drag Rheel Neh'mu's name through the mud by depicting him as a villain and a thug! That vile snake of an attorney keeps preaching on about justice, but did he show any justice to Neh'mu?!"

"NO!"  The officers yell in unison at the top of their lungs, some holding a fist up in anger.

"You're damn right he didn't! Neh'mu was a good man, a loyal man who bled purple and emerald-green just like you, me, and every other upstanding Khura'inese citizen! Who'd work in the latest hours of night and into the wee hours of morning when everyone else was asleep? Neh'mu! Who helped to reduce police casualties by 20% by taking care of the more violent Defiant Dragons? Neh'mu! Who, on first day on the job came in to the Ministry of Justice with several boxes of magatah'men and a nice note wishing everyone a nice day? Neh'mu! And this same man died as honorable as he lived- trying to take out a rebel that invaded the clergy! So are you boys ready to roll up your sleeves and give those Defiant Dragons what for!?"

Inga pauses for a moment as the room fills with the excited and angry clamoring of the many police officers.

"Good to hear. Because we just got word from one of our boys on the inside that Dhurke's been getting bold as of lately and decided to attack the city and assassinate Her Eminence in the process!"  The minister snarls, glowering at the crowd as he squeezes the life out of his cigar stamp.  "But thankfully, Dhurke's overconfidence has gotten the best of him since he told all of his fellow rebel scum- including our spy- at their main base in the mountains. So early tomorrow morning, we're gonna go out there and beat Dhurke to the punch with a little attack of our own!"

Seeing that the officers are clearly riled up, Inga decides to fan the flames of rage with a musical number.


{Inga}
But what did ya expect
From a scheming defense attorney?
This is what you get when you hesitate to strike 'em down!

At the Holy Mother's name they hiss,
Discord's their only bliss!
We must stop them to defend the Crown!


{Secret Police}
They're traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Not good enough to lick my boot.


{Secret Police}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Rid them from the nation's boarders!
They don't think like us,
Which mean that they're no good.
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!


{Secret Police}
They're traitors!
Traitors!
Damn dirty dragons!


{Inga and Secret Police}
We'll kill 'em for the Holy Mother!


Though little do Inga and Ga'ran know, one of the officers present is actually a spy for the Defiant Dragon, who's been sending the audio of Inga's speech and song back to Dhurke and the other rebels via a hidden transmitter on his lapel.


{Dhurke}
I knew this day was coming,
The police are on the warpath,
The only thing they feel is wrath.


{Datz}
Under that uniform,
There's no soul of any form.


{Other Rebels}
They're nothing but a pack of sociopaths.
They're traitors!
Traitors!


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
Not good enough to wash my armband.


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Dhurke}
Rid that spider queen from our borders!


{Datz}
They don't think like us,
Which means they hate justice.


{Dhurke}
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!


{Other Rebels}
They're traitors!
Traitors!
The royals are nutjobs,
So we'll rid 'em for the Holy Mother!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Ga'ran}
I want those heretics neutralized!


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Fail and Ga'ran'll have me sodomized!


{Everyone}
Traitors!
Traitors!
Not good enough to rub my feet!
We'll defeat them for the Holy Motheeeer!


Part 2

The following morning, in the mountains outside of the city, Inga and his army of police officers and Dhurke and his army of rebels converge on the site of their final confrontation, a battle to end all battles. Meanwhile, Rayfa, who insisted that she wanted to support Inga and the secret police despite his protests regarding her safety for hours on end the previous night, is watching the conflict from atop the peak of a distant mountain with a pair of binoculars, accompanied by two policemen assigned to protect her.


{Inga}
We'll be victorious today.


"Don't any of you mooks wimp out while my little girl's watching !" Inga growls at his men before looking over at Rayfa with a warm smile and waving at her, to which she responds by energetically waving back.


{Dhurke}
This will be our moment of glory.


"Though try not to be too excessive while the Princess is watching."  Dhurke sullenly states with the slightest hint of guilt on his face before casting a quick glance up at Rayfa, who responds by glaring daggers at the rebel leader.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
We'll water the grass with their tears.


{Rayfa}
There's not much I can do,
But to the Holy Mother I can pray.


{Inga and Secret Police}
For their crimes they must pay.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, keep my father's foes at bay.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
The Ga'ran regime's purgatory.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, keep my father safe from harm.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
Their screams will be music to our ears.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, please use your sway…


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
It's either us or them.


{Rayfa}
Silence my father's enemies with your charm…


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
They're all a bunch of demented, twisted…


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!


{Other Rebels}
Tyrants!


{Secret Police}
Heretics!


{Inga}
Make 'em sleep with Ga'ran!


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!


{Inga and Secret Police}
Show 'em no mercy!


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
Crush their wicked ways until they're no more!


{Rayfa}
I've always followed the Holly Mother's orders.


{IngaSecret PoliceDhurkeand Other Rebels}
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!
Traitors!
Traitors!
We'll crush them for the Holy Mother!
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
This is what happens when you show mercy to one another,
So we follow the Holy Mother's…


{Rayfa}
Can this conflict be put to rest by the Holy Mother's…?


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
Orders!

 

Chapter Text

"Señor Godot "
Sung to the tune of
Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe"
from the movie  The Negotiator


 

"Sweet tickling fartscuttles, Nick!" The concerned Maya exclaimed to the defence attorney as soon as the court had adjourned that day in the trial of Ron DeLite (a.k.a. Mask DeMasque). "Are you alright?! Do we need to get you to a hospital to make sure you don't have third-degree burns on your mug from that jerk-face's mug?!"

"I'm fine, Maya," Phoenix assured his anxious assistant, shoving away the ice-cold can of Coke his friend was frantically rubbing against his cheeks and chin. "If I can survive a fire extinguisher to the head and the extra salty noodle special at Eldoon's stand without expiring, a little bit of java sure isn't going to kill me!"

"Fine, Old Man, have it your way then. If you insist on being macho about needing any first aid treatment… No sense in wasting the best thing to come out of that vending machine since Swiss Rolls!" The spirit medium shrugged and snapped open the tab of the pop can, then frowned as though another thought had hit her. "Still…you should really at least go stick your face into a drinking fountain though! You're supposed to immediately apply cold water to a burn to keep it from blistering and getting worse!"

"I am not subjecting this face or this suit to any more beverages, hot or cold! I swear, I'm fine, Maya." The spiky-haired man grimaced at the discoloured handkerchief he'd shoved in his pocket to mop up the aftermath of the latest hot beverage assault by the acrimonious masked prosecutor. "This hanky… Probably not so much though. I think it's a goner. It will never be white again because no amount of bleach in the world is going to get out such dark coffee stains!"

"The nerve of that bag with which one douches!" Maya fumed, clenching her fists. "Why does he hate you so much, anyway?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"Did you make yo mama jokes or pour sugar in his gas tank?"

"What the – NO! I've never laid eyes on that man before in my life!"

"You wouldn't know it, evidenced by the animus oozing out of his pores when he's around you – because Godot certainly acts as if he knows you!"

"I wish I had a clue about whatever I've done, or what he thinks I've done!" Phoenix shrugged helplessly.

"Well if you never dissed him, or somehow ran over his goldfish…I'm more lost than last year's Easter egg about this hate-boner he's got for you!" The psychic tapped thoughtfully at her chin. "I mean, his last scalding words to you before leaving here today were: 'your defence was weaker than decaf, Trite! Run along and die now!' So, what's up his dick hole?!"

"I know as much about the mysterious Latino as you do," Phoenix sighed. "The man is not only a redoubtable opponent in court but an absolute enigma. I'd love to know even the basics about that man, like: where did he come from?"

"And after court…where did he go?" Maya wondered. "Where did you come from, Señor Godot?"


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Maya}

He chugs that java, he don't care if it's warm
And seems to hate you with a force that is strong
His words are weapons; wields his mug as his gun
Making you squirm is his idea of good fun


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{ Maya }

Revenge is on what he seems to be bent
His coffee metaphors don't ever get spent
He acts like someone who you really should know
Clueless of the masked man that is known as Godot


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


"We may never find out his deal." Maya seemed chagrined but then eyed him dubiously. "You sure you don't owe him money or something?"

"Heck no!" He goggled at her in disbelief. "Jeez, what's the matter with you, Maya? Of course not!"

"Swear on a stack of bibles?" She eyed him skeptically. "No need to act proud with me – I've seen you drooling in your sleep! I can totally loan you some if need be, since I know you're always broke …"

"I never have any money because I'm always buying copious amounts of burgers for your countless stomachs!" He scowled at her. "Although as it turns out you've somehow got enough money to lend, I may just let you buy us both lunches for the next round or three…hundred!"

Chapter Text

 


" Prosecutors/Attorneys"
Sung to the tune of "Kids"
from the movie, 
Bye-Bye Birdie


 

It was Athena's first Thanksgiving with the Anything Agency and she couldn't have been more overjoyed. For one thing, it was her first Thanksgiving in eight years on account of the fact that she had been living with her family in Europe. But even when she did celebrate Thanksgiving at the Space Center, it looked a bit depressing when compared to this evening.

Instead of sitting in the dimly lit Cosmos Space Center cafeteria, Athena was seated at the mahogany table in the dining area of Edgeworth's large, elegant apartment with the Chief Prosecutor, who was at one head of the table and chatting to a man seated to his left that had a goatee and was wearing a fedora. Apparently, the man's name was Raymond Shield's, a defense attorney who had actually worked with Gregory Edgeworth, the Chief Prosecutor's father- a fact that the yellow-cladded attorney learned when 'ol' Uncle Ray' introduced himself and insisted that he give her a hug. Thankfully, that endeavour quickly came to an end when Simon threatened to gut the hug-happy attorney like a fish before breaking out of his handcuffs, much to the terror of the police officers who were tasked with watching over him. Though fortunately, the officers were able to quickly slap a new stronger pair of handcuffs on the Twisted Samurai's wrists after subduing him with a jolt of electricity from the ankle brace that he was required to wear by the police.

Because of that little incident, coupled with the fact that he legitimately wanted to be near the girl that he viewed as a little sister, Simon made it a point to sit right next to Athena on her right side in order to act as a barrier between her and 'Uncle Ray'. However, based on how the Twisted Samurai was glaring at the goofy-looking prosecutor sitting across from him, it would appear that he had other objectives on his mind- objectives that could be added to his criminal record. Though based on how the other prosecutor, whose name was Sebastian Debeste, kept on rambling on and on about how Cory in the House and Seinfeld were two of the greatest animes ever created, despite both shows clearly being live-action, Athena couldn't really blame Simon for acting the way he was. Heck, the yellow-cladded attorney was half-tempted to thump the irritating prosecutor herself, but restrained herself due to the fact that the man was suffering enough at the hands of the silver-haired woman sitting to his left, Prosecutor Franziska von Karma, who made it a point to tell him how foolish he was as she repeatedly lashed him with her whip- actions which constantly earned her disapproving scowls from her 'little' brother who sat to her left.

However, things weren't all negative. After all, Athena was lucky enough to be seated across from the beautiful Klavier Gavin, who made it a point to flash her his winning smile throughout the entire evening as he struck up small talk with her, asking her about her interests and life. Even now, Athena couldn't believe that Klavier was formerly a world-famous rock star. He just seemed so down-to-earth and kind, contrary to a lot of guys in similar positions who flaunt their wealth and act like the world is their footstool. Heck, Klavier was willing to hold a conversation- or at least attempted to- with Sebastian, who was sitting to his left. Though instead of trying to talk about television shows, Klavier tried to shift the conversation back to their days in the Themis prosecutor's course.

So then why was it that Apollo always acted like the ex-rock star was his arch-nemesis? Heck, even now, the horn-haired attorney, who was sitting to Klavier's right, was flashing the man his typical disheartened look. Maybe it was due to the fact that guys just couldn't truly appreciate Klavier's sensitive side. After all, Trucy, who was sitting Athena's left, was more than happy to see the ex-rock star and strike up a conversation with him about magic.

And finally, at the other head of the table was Phoenix, who was less concerned about the company and more concerned about the food on the table, which he stared at with an apprehensive look, only to stop when Edgeworth shot him a glare with the slightest hint of terror.

Though it wasn't like her boss was at fault. After all, even though Athena's previous Thanksgiving meals consisted of leftover turkey sandwiches and mashed potatoes from lunch earlier that day, even she knew that the food was not supposed to look like the items spread across the table which were more akin to alien creatures than cuisine, including, but not limited to: mashed potatoes that were light-grey in color and had numerous black and orange specks, bright yellow-green gazpacho that was actively bubbling, not unlike something you'd expect to find in a witch's cauldron, and a cranberry sauce that the psychology-loving attorney could have sworn was the blob due to its crimson-red coloration, how no spoon, knife, or fork could cut through it, and how the gelatinous mass would constantly try to ooze out of its bowl. If anything, when Sebastian reluctantly tried to scoop up a bit of it and put it on his plate at Franziska's insistence, the cranberry sauce actually consumed his spoon- something that the silver-haired prosecutor attributed to her 'perfect' sauce being so rich.

Though arguably, all of the previously mentioned items were downright delectable when compared to the turkey positioned at the center of the table, making it so that no one could possibly ignore such a grievous abomination. Instead of being a delectable golden brown, the turkey had a sickly greenish-tan appearance to it; and instead of having a smooth texture, the bird's skin was covered in a scaly skin that had thin hairs cropping out from it and was covered with boils that oozed a strange green puss. And if the appearance was ugly, then the smell was outright hideous. The best way one could describe it was as if the smell of sulphur and feces had a hot, sweaty night of passion, had a child, killed that child by drowning it in the odour of burning rubber and expired Limburger cheese, and then shoved it in a coffin with the smell of old people. But despite all that, the most disturbing thing about the turkey was that if someone somehow mustered up the courage to even so much as touch it with a knife, it would shake slightly and let out a low guttural growl.

So, suffice to say, Athena couldn't help but speak up regarding the matter.

"Hey, Trucy, about the fo-"

However, before Athena could finish her question, she was immediately shushed by Trucy, Phoenix, Apollo, and Klavier.

"Sorry." The yellow cladded attorney whispered. "I was just wondering why the food looks so horrible. You'd think that a guy like Mr. Edgeworth would put a bit more pride in what he's serving."

"Trust me, Athena, if Uncle Edgeworth didn't have to serve this junk, he wouldn't, but his hands are tied," Trucy replied back in a hushed tone.

"What do you mean?" Athena asked, cocking her head to the side out of confusion as she played with her earing.

"Remember how I told you that Franziska is a bit of a perfectionist?" Phoenix replied in the same low voice.

"A little?" Simon quietly retorted in a wry tone. "What next? Are you going to say that the sun is slightly warm?"

"Ja. Or that Herr Forehead's forehead is a little large than normal?" Klavier jokingly chimed in with a whisper, earning a stink-eye from his courtroom rival.

"Ok, a lot." Phoenix corrected himself. "Nevertheless, ever since Edgeworth started having Thanksgiving here back in 2019, Franziska has insisted on handling all of the food preparations. And while she may be a very skilled prosecutor, her cooking is, well…" The spiky-haired attorney gestured to the 'dishes'.

"In that case, why doesn't Mr. Edgeworth put his foot down and stop Ms. von Karma? After all, he is her brother, and this is a party that he's hosting in his home." Athena tried to reason.

"Athena, I know you're new here, but I'm pretty sure that you noticed that Ms. von Karma carries around a whip and isn't afraid to use it when she's angry," Apollo whispers, although with his volume, it was more akin to a slightly quieter version of a regular speaking voice. "Plus, Ms. von Karma takes her cooking very personally and will try to 'convince' you to give it a second chance if you have any negative comments about it."

"Ja, like when Herr Forehead voiced that Fräuline Whippet's mashed potatoes were, and I quote, 'the worst thing that he ever put in his mouth' last year, and Fräuline Whippet… Fräuline Whippet… Fraul…" Klavier snickered, punching his leg in an attempt to contain his laughter. "Fräuline Whippet whipped Herr Forehead to the brink to unconsciousness, leapt across the table, pinned him to the ground, and started forcing those mashed potatoes down his throat with a huge spoon while yelling about how 'only a foolishly foolish fool is incapable of appreciating my perfect food'!"

"Glad to know that you're able to find humour in the fact that I was forced to eat rancid mashed potatoes that ended up giving me Hepatitis A and tetanus before completely shutting down my immune system and confining me to a bubble for a month," Apollo grumbled with crossed arms.

"What are you foolish fools foolishly whispering about?!" Franziska snarled, tugging at her whip as she glared daggers at the other end of the table. "Are you insulting my perfect food!? Are we going to have a repeat of last year, Apollo Justice!?"

"N-No, Ms. von Karma, I could never insult your wonderful mashed potatoes after you showed me the light last year." Apollo nervously replied as he pushed down his horns and started rubbing his head. "Plus, I didn't start the conversation, Athena did." The horn-haired attorney gestured over to his coworker, who couldn't help but shoot him a dirty look before attempting to save herself.

"Sorry about that, Ms. von Karma, I was…" Athena paused with saucer-sized eyes, Widget glowing yellow with shock as she tried to come up with a reasonable excuse. "Asking Trucy about her plans when she goes off to college in a couple of years. So, Truce, what are you majoring in again?"

"Theater!" Trucy chirped, prompting Franziska to burst out laughing.

"And what's so funny about majoring in the theater?" Trucy snapped, her hands placed firmly on her hips as she flashed the silver-haired prosecutor a death glare.

"Nothing," Franziska replied, trying her best to stifle her laughter. "It's just that I find it so fitting that you're foolishly following in your foolish father's footsteps by throwing your life away."

"And just what's that supposed to mean, Franziska?" Phoenix growled, flashing the prodigy prosecutor the infamous cold stare that he had developed as a poker champ.

"You know exactly what I mean, Phoenix Wright. Being a defense attorney is the biggest waste of a legal education imaginable. I mean, why foolishly waste your time defending people who may be guilty when you can be out finding the true culprit?" Franziska smirked with a waggle of her finger.

"Because you prosecutors tend to arrest the wrong person and leave us defense attorneys to clean up your messes while you do everything in your power to make our lives a living hell." Phoenix snidely retorted.

"Well, excuse us for doing our jobs, Wright," Edgeworth stated with crossed arms. "You see, when the police apprehend a suspect, it's the job of a prosecutor to use all available evidence to ensure that a potentially dangerous criminal isn't let back loose on the streets. Granted, I will admit that we can be a bit… ruthless at times- some prosecutors more than others…" The maroon-cladded prosecutor cast a quick glance at his adopted sister. "But at least we stick to the facts, instead of badgering witnesses and throwing out baseless conjecture like a bunch of uncultured heathens."

"Wait, I'm confused. Wasn't your father a defense attorney, Mr. Edgeworth?" Athena asked, cocking her head to the side as she played with her earing.

"That's what the von Karmas do to you, Thena-pie," Ray responded with a serious look on his face. "They break your spirit over an extended period of time with isolation, harsh words, and weapons. That way, they can force you to abandon your values and make you want to wear pink suits."

"For the umpteenth time, my suit is maroon! MAROON! Would it kill people to treat my attire with the respect it deserves!?" Edgeworth snarled as he slammed his fist into the table.

"I respect your suit, Mr. Edgeworth!" Sebastian chimed in.

"Edgeworth-dono doesn't want your respect, Deworste. After all, who wants respect from a little git who can't differentiate live-action from anime or tie his shoes?" Simon wryly replied.

Seeing no better method to properly channel his anger, Edgeworth settled on expressing his rage in the form of a song.


{Edgeworth}

Attorneys,

What's wrong with your kind these days?


{Simon}

Oi,

I can never understand a word they say.


{Sebastian}

Yeah,

They're inculpable, inducible tools…


{Franziska}

Yelling, lazing, dirty bluffing fools!


{Sebastian}

They act like they're so dank!


{Phoenix}

Prosecutors,

We always try to work alongside you.


{Athena}

Yeah,

But you always give us the shoe!


{Ray }
* directs his gaze at Edgeworth*

Why can't you be like your dad,

Righteous in every way?

Oh right,

He died because of Manfred and Blaise!


{Sebastian}

Hey!

Not bringing up Pops was what we swore!


{Simon }
*Smirks at Phoenix

Yes,

They're no saints when they settle scores.


{Phoenix}

Prosecutors,

You're all such a big snooty, nitpicky bunch!

Sassers, whippers, hair-splitters, salary-deniers!


"Like you're any different?" Apollo snidely retorted with a disheartened look and crossed arms.


{Athena}

Prosecutors,

You don't appreciate the plights we bear!
(No matter the condition!)


{Franziska}

Ha,

Like what?

Scrounging around for bus fare?


{Apollo}

Mr. Gavin may have been psycho,

And a sociopath,

But Klavier's jokes are an endless wrath.


{Klavier}

Hey,

What can I say?

Your forehead's really big.

Plus,

You have a humorously grumpy way.


{Apollo}

Yeah, you and everyone else it seems…

What have I done to deserve this demeaning fate?

I try to keep calm, be kind to all, and be part of a team,

Yet they joke about my lack of dates.


{Klavier}

Ja,

And you also had my bro sent to jail!


{Phoenix}

Yeah,

Only 'cause you guys chose not to check his trail.


"Perhaps we would have been more inclined to help bring Kristoph to justice had you actually included us in your convoluted plan from the get-go." Edgeworth sternly replied with crossed arms.


{Sebastian}

Why are we stuck with these clowns?

Better to have Debeste!


 

"I'll admit that I may not be the most culp- er, capable guy out there. But at least with me, you know where I'm coming from." Sebastian stated with a confident, yet goofy grin and outstretched arms.

"Yes, and it's a place brimming with idiocrasy and irritation." Simon wryly retorted, turning his back to the naïve prosecutor.


{Ray}

Your old man loved you so much,

Yet you put that to the test.

What's the matter with prosecutors to-


"I tried, Gregory, I really did, but in the end, I failed, Miles." Ray sighed gloomily, closing his eyes as he removed his trademark fedora and put it to his chest as if in mourning.

"Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Shields. You didn't fail me." Edgeworth stated, putting a calm, yet firm hand to his father's successor's shoulder, only for it to be brushed away.

"Don't try to make me feel better, Miles. If only I had taken you in when your father was murdered instead of the vampire prosecutor who killed him… Sure, as an 18-year-old man, I wouldn't have been able to give you the lavish lifestyle you received with von Karma, but you would have been raised in a loving environment by someone who wouldn't try to brainwash you into despising the livelihood of your dearly departed father, who, by the way, thought the world of you. Not to mention, you wouldn't have been stuck with an adopted sister who won't give ol' Uncle Ray hugs and…" Ray gestured to the dishes the Franziska had prepared. "Actively tries to poison us every year with… whatever this stuff is."

Not one to take insults like that lying down, the silver-haired prosecutor proceeded to lash the fedora-wearing defense attorney with her whip before continuing with the song.


{Franziska}

Why can't you be like we are,

Not bluffing out of the blue?

{Defense Attorneys}

Why can't you just accept-

{Prosecutors}

Why can't you lot just adopt-

{Everyone}

The path that we have chosen to waaalk?!


"So, ready to admit that we're the best?" Sebastian smirked.

"No way! Our portions were clearly superior!" Athena proudly stated with a huge grin as she flashed a peace sign.

"Oh please, 'sasser', 'whipper', 'splitter'…?" Simon mockingly asked with a roll of his eyes. "Those aren't even real words! Those are things that I would expect to hear spew out of Deworste's mouth!"

"Why do you people bully me even when I do nothing wrong?!" Sebastian whimpered as he bent his baton.

"Simple. Your reactions are priceless, Herr Weinerlich." Klavier playfully chimed in, leaning forward with his winning smile. "But don't take it as an insult. On the contrary, I only act this way around people I like."

"In that case, I must be your favorite person in the whole wide world." Apollo wryly retorted with a disheartened look.

"Well, I'm tired of it!" Sebastian snapped, pointing his baton at the former rock star. "I may be a bit slow and gullible, but I try my best and deserve to be treated with respect!"

"As I previously stated, why-" Simon tried to dish out one of his typical comebacks, only to be interrupted by Sebastian lashing him with his baton.

"This is what I mean! You all keep making jokes about me being stupid and unimportant- just like Pops would! So, if you wanna bully me, then perhaps I should bully you!" The naïve prosecutor seethed, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes as he got out of his seat and picked up a large bowl of gazpacho that Franziska had prepared that was placed near his position, positioning the ladle to his right so he could easily splash the Twisted Samurai. "Want some soup?!"

"De-Dewor- er, I mean Debeste!" Simon corrected himself in a panicked voice, his eyes the size of saucers as he leaned back in his chair in order to put as much distance between himself and the deadly soup as possible. "T-There's no need to be so drastic. I was only kidding when I said those comments and feel that we can-

"Too late!" Sebastian roared as he splashed Simon's chest with a ladle full of gazpacho, causing Simon to scream in agony as the effected clothing quickly dissolved, revealing to the world the Twisted Samurai's bare chest which was starting to develop what looked to be second-degree burns.

"Cor blimey! What the hell's in that soup!?" Simon screeched through clenched teeth as he pressed his hands against the afflicted area.

"That's right! Maybe next time, you'll all think twice before making any more wisecracks at my expense." Sebastian stated with a malicious grin as he readied his weapon.

"Sebastian Debeste, cease this foolishness this instant!" Franziska snarled as she cracked the air with her whip. "That soup is meant to be enjoyed by everyone here, not used as a tool in your foolishly foolish quest for foolish retribution! Now, since it is Thanksgiving and I am feeling generous, instead of whipping you into submission here and now and risk foolishly wasting perfectly good gazpacho, if you put it down before the count of three and sit back down, you'll leave this apartment with as much blood in your body as you had when you first arrived. One…"

The silver-haired prosecutor raised a single gloved finger.

"Two…!" A second finger was raised.

"Thr- AHHH!" Franziska screamed in pain as a ladle full of her own soup was splashed in her eyes. "My eyes! My perfect eyes!"

"No soup for you!" Sebastian smirked before cocking his head to the side in contemplation. "Or maybe no soup for anyone else since you got a face full of it. Or maybe no soup for your mouth...? No soup for eating…? No, a dank anime reference like that doesn't really need to make sense. What do you think, Ms. von Karma?"

"I think I'm blind!" Franziska shrieked as she pressed her hands against her eyes, which, oddly enough, appeared to have black smoke seeping out of them.

"See? This is why I wanna major in the theatre!" Trucy snapped, gesturing at the wounded prosecutors. "Sure, it might not be as glamorous as being an attorney or a prosecutor, but this kind of thing never happens when I'm on stage!"

Chapter Text

 

"Tyrell Badd"
Sung to the tune of the theme from the
original cartoon series song
"Spiderman"
(1967 TV cartoon series version)

 

"Cheers to my Uncle Badass!" Kay declared, raising her ginger ale – her law-bending but nevertheless abiding uncle refused to let his underaged teenage niece consume any alcohol despite it being a special occasion. "For dodging a prison sentence… Bringing my father's killer to justice, and being the best crack shot in all of Los Angeles!"

"I'll drink to that!" Tyrell Badd cracked a half-smile as he lifted his beer glass and clinked it first against the raven-haired girl's, then against the lifted glasses of Raymond Shields, Miles Edgeworth, and Dick Gumshoe. "But I think Mr. Shields deserves a lot of the credit for the fact that I'm not in prison for some of my…controversial methods in trying to bring down Calisto Yew thanks to his second-to-none defence."

"Pleasure was all mine." Shields grinned at the detective. "Although by now, Uncle Ray knows better than to try to commemorate this celebration by offering you a hug!"

"Let's not forget to give credit to Mr. Edgeworth," Gumshoe added loyally. "He was the biggest part of bringing down that whole smuggling ring!"

"And essentially chopping down that gnarled withered old talking tree known as Alba with his kick-ass cross-examination!" Kay agreed, raising a gloved hand to smother back a snicker. "To Mr. Shields and Mr. Edgeworth!"

"Cheers!" The friends chorused, clinking their glasses again.

"I may be biased of course," the Yatagarasu suddenly turned serious. "But I wouldn't even be here at this tavern right now with you guys if it hadn't been for the itchy trigger finger of my favourite detective!"

"Here, here!" Gumshoe enthused, beaming at his mentor. "All these years later, nobody has better gunmanship than you, Pops!"

"Holy Odin and all the little cherubs… it's really hitting me! I would've been a goner when that she-thing held that pistol to my head, if it wasn't for you, Uncle Badd." Kay shuddered slightly at the memory. "But then…BAM! Out came that gun and bitch would have gone down!"

"And I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash," Badd said gruffly. "That fork-tongued lizard witch would be down there waxing Satan's taint right now if it hadn't been for the bone-headed interference of a certain Wolf Man!"

"Luckily for Lang, his leg is as thick as his skull!" Miles commented wryly.

"That's a fact, pal!" Gumshoe nodded, biting back a snicker as he took a big chug of beer, then flushed as the prosecutor arched an eyebrow at his subordinate for the over-familiarity, even though they were off the clock. "Um, yes, that's right, Mr. Edgeworth, sir!"

"All that matters is you saved a life and still got your man in the end, Detective Badd." Shields tipped his fedora as a show of reverence. "You're a hero, detective."

"Hells yeah he is! Best the LAPD ever had – er no offence, Gummy!" Kay jumped up from the table and grabbed the large pepper grinder. "Because just like the song… Tyrell Badd is Badd To The Bone!"

Badd's lips twitched as he jutted his chin at the wooden object in his niece's hand, which she was holding up like a microphone.

"Kiddo, what are you doing with that thing?"

"Paying homage to my hero, of course!" Kay's eyes sparkled with fondness and gratitude. "A man like you deserves his own theme song!"

The ninja girl then proceeded to serenade her Uncle right there, in front of her amused friends and present patrons.


Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Bullet holes in his trench, in his teeth a lolly's clenched
Watch out, here comes Detective Badd


 Made of steel and of sass, screw with him, he'll kick your ass
Gunshots fly overhead. He's the man all crooks dread.
Beware! There goes Detective Badd 


His mission's to catch all those guilty of crime
They can run but not hide, he'll nab them every time


Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Criminals, be en garde, he'll put you behind those bars!


He is the ex Yatagarasu, break laws and he'll cuff you
Can't foil Detective Badd!


When she was done, the customers within earshot all burst into applause. Undaunted, Badd merely shrugged and popped a lollypop in his mouth, then regarded the plucky teen with a sombre expression that belied the affection in his gruff tone.

"Thanks for the kudos kid." He cleared his throat and affected his typical stolid expression. "But stick with being the next generation Yatagarasu, since you just proved you're more of a crowing raven than a songbird. Don't quit your day job!"

Rather than look affronted, The Great Thief simply walked behind her Uncle's seat and wrapped her arms around his neck from behind in a warm hug.

"I love you, too, Uncle Badd."

Chapter Text

"Simon Keyes"
Sung to the tune of "Macavity"
from the Broadway musical,  Cats


 

After getting his prosecutor's badge back after the whirlwind of trials and tribulations that he had experienced over the past several days, Edgeworth wanted nothing more than to resume his duties and for things to go back to normal- at least, as normal as things could be in this crazy city.

However, before that could happen, there was one finally thing that Edgeworth, Kay, Gumshoe, Sebastian, and John had to see before they could finally put this mess behind them: the trial of Simon Keyes, the mastermind behind the hell that was the previous two weeks who was finally brought to justice thanks to Edgeworth's legendary logical prowess and the help of the others.

That was why the group was currently sitting in the front row of the gallery packed full of whispering people, watching as Simon, who was standing before the court dressed in a suit with his haired styled in the way it was when he was in his kind and meek persona, his nervous gaze darting back and forth from his defense attorney, Raymond Shields, to the prosecutor, Franziska von Karma.

Neither Edgeworth nor Sebastian was allowed to prosecute the trial due to how both of them had negative experiences with the defendant that could make them more inclined to utilize more unethical methods- for the former, the plot of kidnapping his assistant and using him as essentially a logic-wielding attack dog, and for the latter, succeeding in having his father arrested. Sure, Blaise was an evil, psychotic man with so little regard to morality that it wouldn't be a surprise to anyone if the Devil sold him his soul, but he was still Sebastian's father.

However, Simon wasn't so fortunate in regards to the judge presiding over the trial, Justine Courtney, who didn't even try to mask her disdain for the mastermind as she glowered at him with a cold fury. Under normal circumstances, Justine wouldn't have been allowed to preside over this trial for the same reasons why Edgeworth and Sebastian were barred from prosecuting it, but given Justine's position as acting P.I.C. Chairman while the committee searched for someone to replace Blaise, she was able to pull a few strings to ensure that these weren't normal circumstances. Sure, Justine felt a tinge of guilt for her actions- as a loyal servant of the Goddess of Law, it was her duty to act impartially towards all defendants in order to ensure that trials are fair and just- but those feelings were quickly replaced with rage when she remembered how this miserable excuse of a man kidnapped John, her son, and held him hostage in a cold warehouse. So, for the first time in her career as a judge, Justine mentally disregarded the traditional justice associated with the Goddess of Law in favor of the overprotective motherly kind typically displayed by soccer moms- the kind in which Mama Bear rips into anyone who dares to mess with her cub like Yogi Bear on a picnic basket.

"M-Mr. Shields, a-are you sure you can get me a lighter sentence?" Simon nervously asked, his hands covering his eyes. "Because I think that Courtney may still be upset at me for kidnapping her son."

"Don't worry, Simon." Ray nonchalantly replied with outstretched arms. "Courtney-pie may look scary, but I know that deep down, she won't go too hard on you. But if things start to go south, I'll simply present some evidence in the form of Exhibit Hug."

"Mr. Shields, I have already warned you about trying to offer me hugs…" Justine growled.

"But, Courtney-pie, I-" Ray tried to reason, only to be cut off by the slam of the judge's gavel.

"I will not tolerate any excuses, Mr. Shields! I hope that this penalty teaches you to control your arms and your mouth!" Justine snapped, prompting about a third of the green bar above the defense attorney's head to deplete.

"I don't mean to sound critical, Courtney-pie, but don't you think that you're being a bit… hostile?" Ray timidly asked with saucer-sized eyes and his hands raised up in front of his torso.

"What's that?! You wish for me to give you a second penalty?! Well, who am I to deny your wishes, Mr. Shields?!" Justine snarled, slamming her gavel and causing another third of the green bar to deplete. "Any other comments, Mr. Shields?" The judge asked in her typical polite voice, flashing the terrified defense attorney her typical warm grin."

"I-I'm good, Courtney-pie." Ray squeaked with his hands still raised.

"Excellent. In that case, Prosecutor von Karma, your opening statement, please." Justine calmly asked with an extended hand."

Courtney-pie may be completely out of her gourd, but at least that cute von Karma girl is still on our side and will help to ensure that Simon receives a fair trial. Ray thought to himself as he started to calm down, only for his eyes to widen again upon being hit with a realization. What am I saying, this is a von Karma we're dealing with! With Courtney acting like a deranged soccer mom and that von Karma girl's family history, this trial's going to be quicker than most of my first dates- and just like those dates, it will probably end painfully and with a lot of tears. Hopefully, this girl isn't as bad as her father and shows some mercy…

But unfortunately for both Ray and Simon, Franziska took harshness to a whole new level by delivering her opening statement in the form of a song.


{Franziska}

Simon Keyes is a conniving man,

People say he's a mastermind,

He commits the most heinous of crimes,

Yet links to him you won't find.

He's the bane of the LAPD,

A prosecutor's pain,

Because when his crimes come to light,

Simon Keyes can't be blamed!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He acts without moral restraint,

He does whatever he pleases!

His skills of manipulation,

Are what Satan has sought,

Because when his crimes come to light,

Simon Keyes can't be caught!

You can question him in the jail,

Or in the circus or such,

But you might as well walk away since,

Simon Keyes can't be touched!

Simon Keyes is a ginger man,

Of average height and weight,

If you saw him, your hair would stand up straight,

For his eyes are filled with hate.

His mouth is packed with pearly teeth,

And always shows a sneer.

His hair is combed and well-styled,

And moisturized with tears.

His eyes have dark rings around them,

Like he hasn't slept in days,

And when you think he's been caught,

He somehow gets away!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He can have several people killed,

While being subtle like a breeze!

He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,

He might spy on you at Grand Tower,

But if these plans do go sour,

Simon Keyes won't cower!

He might look foolish and timid,


{Justine}

I know he cheats at chess.


{Franziska}

And he has no police record,

Not even a petty crime's printed,

And when Knightley's been murdered,

Or Jill Crane's body's been found,

Or Kay's left with amnesia,

Or John Marsh is nowhere around,

Or when a body double's killed,

And Lang is a broken mess,

There is a clear certainty:

Simon Keyes feels no stress!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

There never was a man of such deceitfulness and suavity.

He always has an alibi and one or two to spare,

So whenever the crime took place,

Simon Keyes wasn't there!

And they say that all of the manipulators that we've seen-

For example: Dahlia Hawthorne, Lance Amano, Luke Atmey-

Are just rank amateurs compared to Mr. Simon Keyes,

The fool who has played us like fools,

A modern Machiavelli!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He can have several people killed,

While being subtle like a breeze!

He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,

He might spy on you at Grand Tower,

But if these plans do go sour,

Simon Keyes won't cower!


"Out of curiosity, what do you have planned for the next 40 years?" Ray asked in a serious tone as he glanced over at his client whose eyes were saucer-sized, whose teeth were clenched, and whose body was stiff as a board before finally succumbing to the stress and fainting backwards, hitting the ground with a loud thud.

Chapter Text

 


"Maya Mia!"
Sung to the tune of ABBA's "Mamma Mia"
from the musical play/movie
"Mamma Mia"

 

 

Kingdom of Khura'in Detention Centre – May 2028

 

"Why do you insist on risking your life for a woman that was merely your old office subordinate?" Rayfa demanded of Phoenix, hands on her hips. "Maya Fey was naught more than your underling, was she not? How is her life more important to you than your own?"

"She wasn't just my employee, Your Benevolence. Maya was – is! – my friend. My best friend. So of course, I care about her, and it's only natural I'd want to do all I could to save her life!"

"What cockamamie custom is this?" Rayfa snorted. "Befriending the help? What nonsense!"

"Don't you and your parents care about your palace servants?" He tried another angle with her. "How about Nayna, your pocket internet? Surely you care about her at least?!"

"How dare you compare that… Philistine Foreign Spirit Medium … a mere commoner, with my Nayna!" Rayfa clenched her fists. "And of course, my parents treat our servants as well as can be expected! They all get new uniforms twice a year and only work a half-day on their birthdays!"

Phoenix sighed deeply. Trying to rationalize anything with the hot-headed teen was purely an exercise in futility.

Attempting to reason with this girl only leaves me as hopeless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!

"Well, to each their own, I guess. I may not be able to convince you that Maya isn't guilty, but I know this woman! She couldn't even stab a French fry with a plastic fork! Ergo, I believe in her… and it's all aboard the Phoenix Freedom Express!"

"Hrrnh!" The Lolli princess huffed sullenly. "I don't like the sound of that Phoenix Freedom Express one bit!"

"Why would you have an objection to that? Do you know what the Freedom Express means?"

"Augh! Of course, I know! D – Do not presume to know what I do not know!" The mini rage monkey glared at him. "What I still don't know is the real reason of your persistence in risking your own life to save this woman! Is this truly how you Americans are with all your former underlings? With those who are just your friends?"

"Well…" Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweat-drop. "Maya and I… it's complicated. We have a long history, you see. Her late sister was my mentor! Her little cousin sees me as a father figure of sorts – and is best friends with my daughter!"

"You have a daughter and you still would die for this woman?!" Rayfa eyed him incredulously. "I question your sanity, Barbed Head! Explain yourself at once!"

"Maybe me talking isn't going to give you the answers you seek…" Phoenix hedged, then put his hands on his hips and smiled confidently as inspiration struck. "Perhaps I can try to explain her – my – our dynamic a bit better in song…"


I've been assisted by Maya since I don't know when
But now she's being framed for murder again
Someday, somehow, she might catch a break
I don't know how … but she needs a real lawyer, so ...
There's a Wright right inside her soul!
Just one look with the magatama thing,
Just one look and Wright can see everything,
W-o-o-o-oh…


"Jumping elephant fleas! Nick?!"

"Jiminy Christmas!" The startled spiky-haired man spun around and found the thrice homicide accused standing on the other side of the glass, gaping at him. "M – Maya?! What are you doing here again?! I thought visiting hours were over, hence why you'd left!"

"Um, Mr. Saad Ma'an here..." The raven-haired beauty gestured to the stern-faced, uniformed guard standing by the door. "Decided to be nice enough to let me come back, because I forgot my Plumed Punisher Limited Edition strap. I came back in time to hear your surprisingly lilting musical testimonial!"

Her voice was filled with bewilderment now, but not without a touch of amusement.

"Since when can you sing, Nick?"

"Er, I didn't know I could!" He blushed furiously, as he'd never intended to have the subject of his impromptu lyrics ever overhear them! "And I normally never do…except in the shower! Heh, heh…"

"You started this, Barbed Head, so you may as well finish this… tomfoolery." Rayfa's tone was no-nonsense and commanding. "Carry on with your little song and dance, and pay no mind to your now larger audience!"

Guess I'll have to muster up my latent poker-face to hide this latest burning shame and a newfound sense of inadequacy!

To his amazement, the guard suddenly held up his cell phone, which was now playing the instrumental version of the ABBA hit on the MeTube app, which was apparently the country's own video streaming channel, and nodded encouragingly for the blue attorney to continue his serenade.

Phoenix turned his attentions, previously directed at the unimpressed teen, and faced his flummoxed ex-assistant as he resumed belting out his on-the-fly stanza.


Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe
Maya Mia, I won't let you go
Be swung on those deadly gallows


I dunno why bad things keep happening to you
Things look grim for us now; Yuti says we are screwed…


 

"Yuti?" Rayfa's eye began to twitch again. "Nnnngrrrr …. What is the meaning of this, you nincompoop?! How dare you speak of our pious monk prosecutor in such an insolent manner?!"

"Er, sorry, Your Benevolence. I have the attention span of a pint of yak butter, given the stress of these dire circumstances." Phoenix gulped and offered a sickly grin. "I meant to say … ah, Franzy! That's the name of the other prosecutor back in LA, who also accused Maya of erroneous murder charges – under circumstances that were shadier than a fat man's ankles!"

"These charges are not erroneous, you big dummy!" Franziska Junior wielded her staff dangerously, looking very much ready to THWONK the attorney over the head with it – again! "That neophyte practitioner is as doomed as you will be since you insist on not withdrawing from this case and possibly getting your sentence commuted!"

"Th – that's what you believe, Your Benevolence!" Phoenix insisted fervently. "But as a lawyer, and her friend, I will always have faith in Maya's innocence now, just as much as I did back then! Ahem, please allow me to continue with my retracted verse…"

"Hmph!" Rayfa scowled and crossed her arms but begrudgingly nodded her assent for him to continue. "As I said before…Bravado will get you nowhere, Barbed Head!"


I dunno why bad things keep happening to you
Things look grim for us now; Franzy says we are screwed
What does she know? That foolish whip-happy ho!
I swear I'll prove her case is all wrong
Ship her back home where she belongs!
There's no way you could have done such a thing!
I'll object until I prove everything, w-o-o-o-oh


 Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe


 Maya Mia, I will fight and pray
For you, as your friend forever
Maya Mia, I will find a way
I'll persist in all my endeavors!


 

Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe
Maya Mia, I won't let you go
Be swung on those deadly gallows


"That was an entertaining, yet unknown tune you warbled, I will concede this much." The royal priestess eyed him coolly as Maya and Saad Ma'an applauded enthusiastically when the song ended. "However, all it did was let me know that you are a tenacious, albeit a simpleton example of an attorney. One who never knows when to quit while he's ahead! It still does not explain your specific willingness to die for this woman – a question you still have not directly answered!"

"He didn't answer the question?" Maya blinked in surprise and flashed a puzzled smile. "What's going on, Nick?"

"Yes, you just broke into song in a foreign prison – don't tell me you're shy all of a sudden!" The guard added cheerfully. "Also, by royal decree… it would be a great slight against Her Benevolence to ignore her direct query."

Phoenix felt a knot forming in his stomach as three sets of eyes now stared at him quizzically.

Great thundering jellyfish on the squishy road to mayhem! This is going to be more disturbingly intimate than seeing Stephen King get a hot butter massage – since I'll have to convey the truth about everything…before the merciless eyes of a petulant princess and random prison guard!

"You look pained, Barbed Head." Rayfa eyed him suspiciously. "Is there a reason you are not answering my original question?"

"Well, I did throw out my back earlier trying to partake in your prayer ritual." He awkwardly scratched his neck. "If I move too suddenly, it still sort of feels like I gave birth to a bouncing baby hernia. I guess I'm still not be used to this cold mountain air…"

"I guess you should answer Her Benevolence, Nick." Maya flashed a cheeky grin. "Unless you want to end up locked in here with me for sassing the royal family!"

Her tone was light, but the questioning look on her lovely visage matched the inquiring one glimmering within the emerald eyes of the royal priestess, minus the overt hostility!

Maya was asking about more than just the song. She too, clearly wanted to know the real reason why he was putting his neck on the line for her – this time literally!

Phoenix swallowed hard. There was no way he was going to get out of this now that the subject in question had asked the same query. He could see the unspoken query in those curious orbs that he adored as clear as day.

Moreover, Maya still had her magatama on her, so it wasn't like he could lie to her – because she'd know!

Stupid psyche locks!

He never would have dreamed the object of his melody would hear not only the underlying message in the song, but the real truth behind his crazed actions… starting with his impromptu departure to West Asia the minute he'd heard her petrified scream on the cell phone before the connection had gone dead.

It was something that had been true for so long, but he'd never had the courage to say aloud.

FML! Still… not like I have a choice, and if we're both dead as of tomorrow, what does it matter, anyway? Oh boy… I guess it's now or never … I'm as ready as a rooster taking a bath in barbecue sauce to finally spill out my most closely guarded secret.

He took a deep breath for courage.

"I always have, and always will keep defending you, Maya. Even though this is the greatest risk I've ever made, and the stakes are higher than any poker game I've ever played… I – I could never abandon you, even though you've already told me to back away from this case twice already."

Phoenix faltered only for a minute as his gaze locked on hers, trying to convey from his heart what his mouth was trying fervently to suppress.

"I would never try to spare my life at the expense of yours. I can't. I never will. And the reason I will always be there for you when you need me, both in and out of the courtroom, even if it means the end of my life as I know it, is…"

Swallowing hard, he cupped his hands over his nose and scrunched up his face, never taking his eyes off hers as he then feigned letting out a loud sternutation sound.

"AISHITERU WA!"

"Holy Mother bless you!" Exclaimed Saad Ma'an, while the spirit medium reeled back in astonishment, a hand clapped over her mouth and orbs widened in shock, but remaining transfixed on his.

"Thank you," Phoenix replied thickly, never tearing his gaze off Maya's even while addressing the guard as he waited, with bated breath, for her reaction to this bombshell. "I feel so much better now that I finally got that… out of my system."

His breath caught in his throat as the psychic's dark eyes began to sparkle with tears as the weight of what he'd just uttered sank in.

"And just what hodgepodge was that, Barbed Head?" The oblivious Rayfa demanded suspiciously, forcing the lawyer to reluctantly break eye contact with the necromancer and swivel his head at her. "Was that strange sound intended to be some sort of cryptic, foreign devil code?!"

"Not at all! It was an unexpected expulsion of air, Princess. No hidden secret messages here!" He smiled winsomely while dramatically making a big show of pretending to sneeze again. "AchooAishiteru! Achoo! It's how we sneeze in um, America! It's that darn frigid mountain air, I'm telling you…"

"Nngh!" Rayfa shot him a disgusted look. "Your alien balderdash and wayward ways are beyond the pale, Barbed Head! I don't care to understand every word that was just spoken anymore – you bore me with your farcical shenanigans. I have no more time for either of you ill-fated nincompoops!"

With that, the royal priestess stormed off like a toddler with a thistle up her back end.

"I'm afraid that's our cue. I can't extend things any further. It's time for Miss Fey to go, Mr. Wright," the guard interjected, almost apologetically. Clearly, he'd enjoyed the performance immensely and was loath to bring things to an end. "Visiting hours are long over!"

"Maya… I'll see you in court tomorrow." Phoenix smiled bravely but averted his gaze now. He was almost afraid to look directly into the spirit medium's eyes again and fully assess her reaction to him putting his heart on the line so candidly. "Take care…"

As he turned to walk away, Maya's voice called after him.

"Nick, wait!"

As he turned his head, she earnestly cried out the words that changed the dynamic of their relationship forever.

"Elephant shoe, goo, Old Man!" Maya's heart was in her eyes, and as she saw the realization of her message dawning on his face, a faint smile played on her trembling lips. "Elephant shoe goo!"

As she turned to follow the guard, Phoenix's formerly thudding heart soared. Spinning on his heel to leave the detention center, he mentally channeled his inner Huey Lewis & The News from Back To The Future.

The power of love is a curious thing. Make one man weep, make another man sing

Phoenix was whistling the tune almost cheerfully now as he left the detention centre to meet his surly investigative partner.

Don't need money, don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride this train. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes. But it might just save your life. That's the power of love…

"Stop dragging your feet, you big dummy!" Rayfa grumbled peevishly from the front entrance. "Contrary to what your phony baloney spirit medium thinks, I have many better, more important things to do than follow you around during this lost cause! I need to get back to the palace now!"

"Coming, Your Benevolence!" He called back merrily. "And might I add your unparalleled cynicism is like a breath of fresh air on a crowded subway?"

"Go ahead and make all the jokes, you want, Barbed Head! None of it matters anyway, you're both destined for the Twilight Realm!"

Phoenix merely chuckled softly in response and obediently followed the girl, unable to keep the slight spring from his step.

He no longer cared what abuse, verbal or otherwise, was heaped upon him.

No matter how terrible, there was no longer a single thing Rayfa Padma Khura'in could proclaim about Phoenix and Maya's doomed, inevitable fate that could've wiped the shit-eating grin off his face now.

Because he had The Power of Love on his side.

Just you wait, Princess. As long as Maya and I are together, we are an unstoppable force! We'll turn this trial inside out and upside down! The stakes may be higher than they've ever been, but I have no doubt this will be our biggest turnabout… ever! Look out Khura'in… it's all aboard the Phoenix Freedom Express! Choo-choo!

 

Chapter Text

 


" Trucy's Song"
Sung to the tune of "Ashley's Song"
from the 
WarioWare  and  Smash Bros.  game series


 

{Apollo}

Who's the girl in charge,

Of the Anything Agency?


{Trucy}

Prepare to be amazed,

'Cause I'm Trucy!


{Apollo}

She knows all kinds of tricks,

Though torture is her specialty.


{Trucy}

Wanna peek inside my Magic Panties?


{Apollo}

Trust me,

Don't let that cute face of hers deceive you.


{Trucy}

Don't underestimate,

The Awesome Trucy!


{Apollo}

She loves gossip, kittens,

And all things Gavinners.


{Trucy}

I've always got time for stuff like that!


{Trucy}

My white glove,

So Daddy can find love!

Daddy's D.I.L.F. eyes,

Now all the girls sigh!

Polly's horns,

You'll wish you were not born!

Uncle Edgeworth's weird napkin thing!

Oh no,

Now they're bored!


{Apollo}

She's been here for years,

But has yet to clean the toilet.


{Trucy}

All the coolest people adore Trucy!


{Apollo}

Don't get on her bad side,

Or regret it in an instant.


{Trucy}

That's why Polly's now my assistant!


{Trucy}

I love all of my fans,

Although,

You see,

Well,

One of them tried to steal my panties.

But that's in the past,

And was just a single scheme.

But if that's not true,

I'll scream!


{Apollo}

Who's the girl in charge,

Of the Anything Agency?


{Trucy}

Prepare to be amazed,

'Cause I'm Trucy!


{Apollo}

Just remember this,

When you see her on the stage:


{Trucy}

I'm the cutest magician you'll see!

I'm the coolest magician you'll see!

I'm the greatest magician you'll see!

Chapter Text

" My Triumph (Will Be) Definite"
Sung to the tune of "Infinite's Theme"
from the video game, 
Sonic Forces

 

(Yeah!)
(Yo!)


I'm spewin' beats like a fountain
I'm bustin' rap out for days
Word up Turnabout Terror
My rhymes will set you ablaze!


Presence here is commandin'
This gangsta be here to stay!
I'm a straight-up go-getter
So just stay out of my face


The disses flowing freely
Mercy just ain't gonna happen
Shoulda stayed out of my way
Yo' ass is mine now I reckon!


Now that I've broken the chains
And I have freed my true spirit
The beast is finally free
You breaking out in cold sweat


And here stands Marlon Rimes
You punk lawyer
(Courtroom here won't ever be the same)
Ima grind you down into this floor
(I am the master and you be my slave)
(Be my slave)
(Be my slave)


You're not Phoenix Wright, you're Phoenix Wrong
(This bird ain't rising from ashes of fire!)
You know where you can go shove those laws
(Prepare for backlash; the sitch right here is dire!)
When the nightfall fades and turns to dawn
(Draw your conclusion, ain't nothing left to defend...)
Your case
(Dismissed)
You should
(Desist)
Cuz my triumph here will be definite!


Yeah
So listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


Now I'ma say wassup
No turning things around
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!


So listen up, blue
Take a hard look and see
The reason you'll cry
It'll be because of me!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Ain't no point bluffing now!)


I'm spewin' beats like a fountain
Spiky really don't get it
That dropping bombs is my thing
Your arguments don't mean shit
(Bring it!)


The disses flowing freely
So you better take cover
I won't back down for nuttin'
I'll let know you when it's over


And here stands Marlon Rimes
You punk lawyer
(Courtroom here won't ever be the same)
Ima grind you down into this floor
(I am the master and you be my slave)


You're not Phoenix Wright, you're Phoenix Wrong
(This bird ain't rising from ashes of fire!)
You know where you can go shove those laws
(Prepare for backlash; the sitch right here is dire!)
When the nightfall fades and turns to dawn
(Draw your conclusion, ain't nothing left to defend...)
Your case
(Dismissed)
You should
(Desist)
Cuz my triumph here will be definite!


So, listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Ain't no point bluffing now!)


Yeah
So listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Bluffing now!)
(Bluffing now!)
(Bluffing now!)
Ain't no point bluffing now!


Bonus!

JP: And now, without further ado, here's a crack Phaya fic absolutely nobody asked for! This utterly ridiculous and unrelated short story is called  "Snooty Phoenix Wright."
Enjoy! 😛


Snooty Phoenix Wright

A Short Story
by JordanPhoenix

 

 

Phoenix Wright had always loved magical Courtroom with its boiled, blue-eyed bench. It was a place where he felt worried.

He was a snooty, stable, grape juice drinker with beautiful eyebrows and greasy elbows. His friends saw him as a pleasant, purple painter. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a dirty old man. That's the sort of man he was.

Phoenix walked over to the window and reflected on his idyllic surroundings. The hail pounded like dancing flamingos.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Maya Fey. Maya was a clumsy teacher with scrawny eyebrows and squat elbows.

Phoenix gulped. He was not prepared for Maya.

As Phoenix stepped outside and Maya came closer, he could see the scrawny smile on her face.

Maya gazed with the affection of 702 spiteful obedient owls. She said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want love."

Phoenix looked back, even more unstable, and still fingering the ripped piano. "Maya, I love you," he replied.

They looked at each other with sneezy feelings, like two mutated, melted maggots gyrating at a very deranged birthday party, which had piano music playing in the background and two snotty uncles talking to the beat.

Phoenix regarded Maya's scrawny eyebrows and squat elbows. "I feel the same way!" revealed Phoenix with a delighted grin.

Maya looked sparkly, her emotions blushing like a spicy, substantial sausage.

Then Maya came inside for a nice drink of grape juice.

THE END

JP: Assuming you got a kick out of this (and don't just want to kick me afterward!) you can thank my pal, TheFreelancerSeal for giving me the idea, and now look forward to CT's own nutty short story next chapter! 😛

Chapter Text

" D.A. Jam"
Sung to the tune of the
"D.K. Rap" from the
Donkey Kong 64 game

 

 

As Chief Prosecutor, Edgeworth typically spends his days not in the courtroom engaged in a battle of wits against a worthy adversary as they try to uncover the truth behind a case, but rather alone in his office filling out paperwork and assigning the right prosecutor to each case that arises. Sure, the job is a bit on the tedious side, but if it means that Los Angeles is less corrupt, then it's a burden that Edgeworth is more than happy to carry.

However, on this particular day, things are anything but as the maroon-cladded prosecutor sits behind his desk, discussing matters with Franziska, Sebastian, Klavier, Simon, and Winston that could shape the very future of the Prosecutor's Office.

"Prosecutor Blackquill, for the umpteenth time, we're not doing a 'Danganronpa' parody." Edgeworth sighs with exasperation, placing his hand over his eyes in order to control his irritation.

"Have you even heard of the 'Danganronpa' franchise, Edgeworth-dono? Because if you did, then you wouldn't be making such ridiculous decisions. After all, with its colorful cast of fleshed-out characters, amazing storylines, and a phenomenal sense of atmosphere, a parody starring us would fulfil all of our goals and more." Simon confidently states with a finger to his forehead.

Trust me, Prosecutor Blackquill, I've experienced enough of the 'Danganronpa' series to last me a lifetime thanks to Trucy constantly bugging me to help her sue Spike Chunsoft for over a month due to their Ultimate Magician character from their "Killing Harmony" game being an 'unlawful use of her image' and 'defaming her character'… even though the game explicitly puts out a disclaimer to cover this very topic before the title screen even appears."

"Are you sure, Edgeworth-dono? Because I've already written the script with "the best" victim in mind." Simon sneers as he glances over at Sebastian, who responds to the remark by simply smiling and waving at his dark humor-loving co-worker.

"While I appreciate your efforts, Prosecutor Blackquill, I don't want to remind Trucy of that topic- especially considering that we're filming at Take-2 TV. I know that they're trying to make amends for what Retinz did by allow us to perform a short bit to promote the Prosecutor's Office free of charge on prime time, but considering that they did try to ruin her career and send her to prison, if we do your idea, Trucy could see it as the studio trying to slander her again.. Edgeworth responds with crossed arms as he taps his biceps."

"In that case, how about we perform a rock song about always fighting for the truth? That'll get the younger generation interested in our cause- especially the fräulines." Klavier smirks as he starts snapping his fingers. "Of course, I'll be rocking out on my guitar and singing the lyrics. As for the rest of you guys, Herr Edgeworth can own the bass guitar since he's a cool cat, Fräuline Whippet's temper makes her perfect for drums, Herr Weeaboo probably has an affinity for the keyboard, and if memory serves me right, I believe that Herr Weinerlich plays the triangle. So with all that going for us, I think we can have a pretty good blend of sound. Oh, and before you ask, I know that most of you aren't as musically gifted as me, so I made sure to keep your parts simple."

"Klavier Gavin, it's one thing when you foolishly make yourself look like a foolish fool when you foolishly treat your trials as if they're your foolishly foolish concerts of foolishness, but I will not stand idly by while you foolishly try to drag the rest of us down into your foolish quagmire of foolishness!" Franziska snarls, tugging at her whip before lashing the former rock star with it.

"Yeah!" Sebastian chimes in as he bends his baton. "If you want me to play my triangle with you so badly, then maybe you should have thought about that before laughing and throwing fruit at me when I auditioned for your band back when we went to Themis!"
"Alright, Fräuline Whippet, if you think that my idea's so terrible, then why don't you tell us yours?" Klavier retorts with a disgruntled look.

"Well, if you must know, Klavier Gavin, I intend to inspire the youths of today in the form of me and Miles Edgeworth talking about the history of our great family, starting with Ottokar, Lord of Karma, nearly a millennia ago and slowly progressing towards the modern-day with me and Miles Edgeworth," Franziska smirks with a waggle of her finger. "Sure, Miles Edgeworth isn't a von Karma by blood, but he teaches the important lesson that even those who descend from foolishly foolish defense attorneys can become slightly less foolish than everyone else if they embrace the ways of the von Karma family."

"I feel so honored." Edgeworth sarcastically responds with a roll of his eyes.

"So you plan to inspire the youths of today by discussing how your father killed a man, adopted and trained his son to be everything that he stood against, and then tried to said son for murder and patricide 15 years later- all because he received a penalty for something that he was to blame for?" Klavier snidely retorts. "What next, are you going to interview my brother on the best ways to ruin your enemies' lives and careers?"

"You have no right to talk about Papa like that, you foolishly foolish fool!" Franziska snarls as she whips the former rock star. "And FYI, I plan on omitting Papa from the documentary. After all, just because one apple's arguably rotten doesn't mean that you can't make a pie with the rest of the orchard."

"Funny you should mention filming a documentary, Franziska because that's similar to my idea." Edgeworth confidently states with outstretched arms. "However, instead of focusing on your bloodline, I feel that it would be fairer and more informative if we all had a group discussion regarding the day-to-day operations of the Prosecutor's Office with none other than the Steel Samurai himself, Will Powers, hosting.

"Who's the Steel Samurai?" Winston asks with a confused look on his face.

"Please leave my office. Now." Edgeworth requests in a low growl, trying his best to remain calm and hold back the anger he's feeling. After all, how could anyone in his Prosecutor's Office- even the janitor- not even be aware of the legendary hero?"

"B-But I haven't even told you my-" Winston weakly retorts, his posture hunched over as a few beads of cold sweat drip down his brow. However, the screechy prosecutor immediately cuts himself off when his superior flashes him one of his infamous death glares. "Actually, I think now would be a good time to take my leave."

"You do that." Edgeworth coldly responds with crossed arms, continuing to glare at Winston until he exits the office, making sure to close the door quietly behind him.

"You know, none of this would be happening if we went with my idea." Sebastian chimes in.
"You mean your terrible remix of that already criminally awful 'D.K. Rap'?" Simon curtly asks, turning his back to the group. "I would rather play shamisen as part of Prosecutor Dandy's suggestion."

"I said that you would play the keyboard, Herr Weeaboo." Klavier points out."

"I know what I said." Simon retorts.

"But Mr. Blackquill, my remix isn't terrestrial- er, I mean terrible!" Sebastian wails, trying his hardest to hold back his tears. "Why, when I showed the song that Kay and I recorded to Justine, she said that it was something and that I should be proud because I tried my best." The naïve prosecutor boasts, his face quickly changing into a smirk.

"And just when I thought that you couldn't get any dumber…" The Twisted Samurai groans with a shake of his head.

"Ok, from the look of things, it appears that we have reached an impasse. Therefore, if we ever wish to come to a conclusion anytime soon, we'll have to settle this matter the old-fashion way." Edgeworth states before taking some sticky notes and a pen out of his desk drawer, followed by turning to the shelf behind him and moving the Steel Samurai there to his desk. "We will each write an idea down on a sticky note and then place them in the Steel Samurai helmet that Wright gave me this last Christmas. Then, after everyone's submitted an idea, I will draw one at random and that will be the one we'll go with. Is everyone fine with that?" The Chief Prosecutor asks as he writes down his idea and put it in the helmet.

"Ok, Mr. Edgeworth!" Sebastian chirps as he writes down and submits his idea.

"I'm nothing if not a team player, Herr Edgeworth." Klavier coolly responds before doing the same.

"If I must…" Simon sighs before placing his idea in with the rest.

"And here I thought that you were less foolish than the others, Little Brother…" Franziska states with a tone of disappointment as she, too, submits her idea."

As soon as Edgeworth sees that the last idea has been placed into the helmet, he closes his eyes and reaches his hand inside, rustling around the contents in order to ensure that the decision is entirely fair.

"And the winner is…" The Chief Prosecutor pulls out a random note and opens his eyes, only for them to become saucer-sized and his complexion to go pale upon seeing what's written on it.
Of course, Franziska, being the woman that she is, can't handle the suspense and walks behind her 'little' brother to see what idea they'll be doing, only for her to glare daggers at him upon reading it.

"I hate you, Miles Edgeworth…" Franziska growls before whipping her adopted brother.

The next day, the five prosecutors are standing on a wooden stage in Take-2 TV with a camera pointed right at them, their forms obscured by the dim lighting of the set that resembles one of the city's courtrooms as a rap song recorded sung by Sebastian starts playing on the large speakers behind them.


{Sebastian}
Ob-Ob-Objection!

They've come to the courtroom,
To protect you all,
So to give them your thanks,
Don't ignore their call!
Raise your pointer fingers,
To be cool as clams,
As we rock out with this lawyer jam!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!


[A spotlight shines on Edgeworth who tries his best to look refined and dignified, even though it's obvious to anyone watching that he doesn't want to be there.]


{Sebastian}

He's the Demon Prosecutor,
He'll cut your pay,
He's here to ruin every villain's day!
His logic chess can detect all lies,
And when he does,
You're gonna cry!
He has class, fangirls, and looks real cool,
He's the first member of the D.A. Crew!


Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney's here!


[The spotlight shifts over to Franziska who, unlike her adopted brother, doesn't even attempt to hide her disdain as she pulls at her whip and snarls through clenched teeth.]


{Sebastian}
This girl loves to fight,
So felons beware,
When that whip of hers,
Lashes and tears!
She'll win with her mad skills and expertise,
And force her friends and foes down on their knees!
If you cross her,
You'll get a kick,
With her scowl and her whip,
She's one scary chick!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!


[Contrary to the unadulterated rage Franziska expressed during her portion of the song, Simon merely glowers at the camera, taking several deep breaths in order to keep himself at least somewhat calm.]


{Sebastian}
He looks real mean,
And loves anime,
It gives him strength for the entire day!
So he likes "Cory in the House",
And dank art of Shrek,
In a blouse,
Dancing with Barry from "Bee Movie"!
This o-taco thinks this is groovy!
Yeah!


"Why, you little git…!" Simon snarls as he flashes Sebastian a death glare. "Come here!" The Twisted Samurai yells as he attempts to charge at his naïve co-worker, prompting the weepy prosecutor to reel back and start sobbing.

Though fortunately for Sebastian, before Simon can reach him, Edgeworth effectively restrains the former inmate by wrapping his arms firmly around his torso.

"Prosecutor Blackquill, get a hold of yourself!" Edgeworth scolds in a firm whisper. "I understand that this isn't an ideal situation for either of us, but I will not allow you to cause a scene on national television and risk another dark age of the law!"

"But, Edgeworth-dono-" Simon angrily whispers as he struggles in vain to free himself from his superior's grip.

"No buts, Prosecutor Blackquill. You are going to stand here for the duration of this performance with some semblance of dignity or so help me, I will cut your pay to the point where Gumshoe will look like Scrooge McDuck by comparison. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Edgeworth-dono…" Simon reluctantly sighs, prompting his superior to release his hold on the Twisted Samurai, who then proceeds to morosely stand in his designated spot with a hint of resentment in his eyes as the song continues.


{Sebastian}

D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney's here!


[Given Klavier's experience as a world-famous rock star, it's no surprise that he takes to the spotlight shining on him like a fish does to water, flipping some loose hair out of his eyes before flashing his signature confident grin at the camera.]


{Sebastian}
This rock star has returned to the stage,
To dispel all of the Dark Law Age!
He'll rock your world with his guitar in-hand,
With his love of truth,
He's never bland!
He makes fangirls squeal with his rocking tunes,
But for bad guys, he sends 'em running like loons!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!
Yeah!


[The spotlight then shines on Sebastian, who tries to look as impressive as he possibly can by puffing out his chest and putting his hands firmly on his hips.]


{Sebastian}
Finally,
He's here for you,
He's the last member of the D.A. Crew!
He tries so hard,
It'll warm your heart,
When he rips the bad guys' cases apart,
Or when he overcomes his inner demons,
So he can stop fiends from scheming!
They say he's weak,
They say he's dumb,
But this guy's one heck of a chum!


"C'mon Kay, let's really go all-out on this last part and throw in some "Cory in the House for Mr. Blackquill!" The song proclaims, prompting Simon to whistle for Taka, prompting the hawk to dive-bomb Sebastian and start clawing at the naïve prosecutor's face.

"Aaaah! It's Jailrush the Pigeon all over again!" Sebastian wails as he tries to repel Taka with a few pathetic swings of his baton, which only make the hawk even angrier and more aggressive in his attack. "Someone, help me!"


[As Edgeworth and Klavier struggle to get Taka away from Sebastian, Simon and Franziska watch the scene with looks of amusement, high-fiving each other as the final part of the song plays.]


{Sebastian and Kay}
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, "Cory in the House"!
Oh, yeah!
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, "Cory in the House"!


 

 

Gobbler Bonus #1!
Here's CT's crack-fic, as promised from the last chapter!

Two Funny Uncles Drinking to the Beat
A Short Story
by CzarThwomp

 

 

Kristoph Gavin looked at the bendy book in his hands and felt shocked.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his idyllic surroundings. He had always hated creepy Sidney with its unpleasant, uninterested umbrellas. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel shocked.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Phoenix Wright. Phoenix was a lovable rover with blonde thighs and ample eyes.

Kristoph gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a sinister, bold, tea drinker with pretty thighs and greasy eyes. His friends saw him as a better, brave banker. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird.

But not even a sinister person who had once made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird, was prepared for what Phoenix had in-store today.

The wind blew like cooking pigeons, making Kristoph sparkly.

As Kristoph stepped outside and Phoenix came closer, he could see the screeching smile on his face.

"I am here because I want a pencil," Phoenix bellowed, in an incredible tone. He slammed his fist against Kristoph's chest, with the force of 9509 bears. "I frigging hate you, Kristoph Gavin."

Kristoph looked back, even more sparkly, and still fingering the bendy book. "Phoenix, beam me up Scotty," he replied.

They looked at each other with healthy feelings, like two mighty, miniature maggots bouncing at a very energetic disco, which had flute music playing in the background and two funny uncles drinking to the beat.

Suddenly, Phoenix lunged forward and tried to punch Kristoph in the face. Quickly, Kristoph grabbed the bendy book and brought it down on Phoenix's skull.

Phoenix's blonde thighs trembled and his ample eyes wobbled. He looked ecstatic; his body raw like a red, real ruler.

Then he let out an agonizing groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Phoenix Wright was dead.

Kristoph Gavin went back inside and made himself a nice cup of tea.

 

THE END


JP: Amazingly enough, CT is still one of my favorite people, even though he kills off my otherwise husbando repeatedly in his works, and in this case, perhaps inadvertently made Prissy Krissy even more putrid/lame by making him sparkle ala those steaming moose dung buckets disguised as books aka the Twilight vampires! 😜


Thanksgiving Bonus (aptly known as) NUMBER 2! ... I've decided to continue rapping... Wendy Oldbag paying homage to her Edgey-Poo, as inspired by my girl /Dalhstoph co-writer, Lyn, aka StupidGenious!

Chapter Text

"Kitten Comes Around"
Sung to the tune of
"When Christmas Comes to Town"
from the movie
The Polar Express


Grossberg Law Offices – December 24, 2012

 

 

 

"It's that time of year again, Santa Baby. Hurry over so I can sit on your lap and tell you what a bad girl I've been this year."

In all the time he'd known that feminine purr, with its come-hither sultriness that would've put Kathleen Turner's (circa Jessica Rabbit era) to shame, it'd never failed to make his temperature, among other things, rise.

"Right on schedule, eh, Mami?" Diego Armando let out a rueful chuckle into the receiver.

He'd both been expecting – and dreading – this call.

For the last two years, he and Mona Lott had made it a point to remain unattached during the holiday season so they could spend the night of Christmas Eve… And most of Christmas morning, together, with him sliding down her chimney.

The ardent Hispanic man was no stranger to the pleasures of the flesh. He'd never claimed to be a saint with las damas, nor immune to feminine wiles. Every female he'd ever known was seized by the same insatiable craving for the Don Juan DeMarco of law that rivaled his own for java. Likewise, he hedonistically enjoyed the legions of lovers his smooth Latin accent and swarthy good looks had garnered him ever since early adolescence.

Forsooth, the ladies of LA loved him, and roguish Romeo loved them right back … albeit temporarily. However, he'd always clarified, upfront, that he had no desire for anything serious or long term. Diego hadn't ever claimed to be husband material; his unapologetically raffish motto had always been: so many women, so little time.

Mona had lasted slightly longer than the others, boasting a lusty, voracious carnal appetite that matched his own. In this case, it hadn't hurt that his ex not only sounded but literally resembled the living incarnated version of Roger Rabbit's bombshell wife, either! Even though they'd amicably split up years ago, they'd enjoyed myriad casual encounters ever since. The titian-haired siren was well aware that the mere promise of another night of no-strings, unbridled passion was something that'd never failed to make his pulse race.

Until now.

"Shall we continue our annual tradition tonight, papi?" Mona's throaty voice turned even more provocative. "My place, say around 10 tonight …no mistletoe, or clothes, required?"

Diego expelled a weary sigh into the receiver. This mamacita wasn't going to make this easy. Not by a long shot.

"I'm going to have to take a rain check, Mona." He affected a contrite tone. "Unfortunately, I'm still at the office, and up to my eyeballs in paperwork. God knows what time I'll be able to get out of here."

"Working late. Again. On Christmas Eve." Mona's seductive pitch turned sullen. "Just like you claimed was the case for my birthday last month. And on the night of October 31, a.k.a. our annual Halloween Howl!"

"It's nothing personal – it's just that work has been loco lately." He tried to speak kindly but was already girding his loins. "My protégé and I have been putting in a lot of overtime researching this death row inmate case, and it's taking up every free moment we've got. There so many suspicious circumstances surrounding his conviction, and it's been brought to our attention that he actually could qualify for a justified appeal…"

Mona erupted in a manner not entirely unlike Mount Vesuvius.

"Do you take me for a fool, Diego?" She exploded wrathfully. "I'm abundantly aware of the glaring lacuna in this soap opera – which you've been too cowardly to admit! It hardly takes a genius to deduce that your precious protégé is the very reason you've rebuked all my advances these last few months!"

"Mona…"

"Don't you dare lie to me! In fact, word on the street is ever since a certain busty bimbo joined your law firm, you've been living like a monk and been pining after her like an abject, lovesick puppy!"

"Leave Mia out of this, Mona." Diego vainly attempted to keep his trademark cool intact, but he was rapidly reaching the boiling point. "And I'll have you know that my assistant is no bimbo. She's a brilliant young attorney who's well on her way to being a legal legend someday! Furthermore, I will not stand for you showing such unwarranted disrespect towards any colleague of mine!"

"Colleague?" His jilted lover gave a contemptuous, unladylike snort. "Give me a break, you besotted cabrón! It's glaringly obvious you're hung up on her, which means I should have hung up on you ages ago! I only persisted because it never occurred to me any man could be so utterly whipped by a walking pair of knockers – that he hasn't even bedded! Or is that why I'm no longer on your radar? You finally made the vital conquest and dipped that pen of yours into the company ink, have you?"

Diego clenched his jaw and fought to keep control of his rising temper, not because of the scathing insults directed at him, but due to the continued acrid disparagement of his dear coworker.

"Show come class and watch that forked tongue, woman! You're treading on very thin ice here."

But his jealous ex was beyond paying heed to the danger lurking in his normally smooth baritone.

"Aha! Based on the defensiveness of your tone, it's obvious you haven't even come close to Introducing Charley to her, which makes you even more pathetic than I thought! This one must really be special. Don't try to cozen me! I've seen the way you look at that pneumatic trollop when I've dropped by the office! It's amazing she can even stand upright and not tip over, what with those Brobdingnagian maracas she loves to flaunt!"

He ground his teeth. Mona's animus slurs sliced like razor blades, yet she still wasn't done her virulent onslaught.

"Is Grossberg not paying her enough to buy professional attire that fits properly? That hussy can barely keep the overworked, straining zipper of her blazer from bursting, the poor, deformed creature!"

"That's enough, Mona! I've had enough of your malicious bile!" His free hand, which had been holding his ever-present coffee mug, had tightened around the ceramic in a vice grip that was almost painful. "Incidentally, this invidious side of you is hardly desirable. Did nobody ever tell you that the color green on you is most unflattering?"

"Humph! Since you've taken that little sex kitten under your wing so protectively, you also should've let the puta know: 'honey, if you're going to be that available, you may as well get a doorbell on your blouse'!"

"Cállate la boca!" His mug thudded so hard onto his desk that the hot liquid sloshed over the sides and onto his hand, but he was impervious to everything, as his rage was so rampant. "Terminamos, Mona Lott! Olvídate de mi número! Comprende?"

"¡Vete al diablobastardo!"

"Lead the way, bruja rencorosa!" He couldn't resist making one final dig. "Now, before I hang up on you, allow me to wish you sad and lonely Silent Night!"

Before she could reply, he slammed the desk phone back into the cradle and raked an agitated hand through his unruly dark mane

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned would the understatement of the century! Are all redheads this loca, or just the ones I tend to attract?

He shook off the splattered dark liquid from his mercifully unscalded hand.

There are 253 distinct types of bitterness in coffee. But to pick out each one requires total concentration and the use of all the senses.

Merely being in the same room as Mia Fey made Diego take complete leave of all his.

Mona was right. He was a mawkish, besotted fool; one who'd just turned down a night of unbridled ecstasy not only with a skilled temptress but every other mujer who'd crossed his path since he'd laid eyes on the pulchritudinous brunette.

She'd been working closely under him for the past few months, but nothing beyond professional comradery had transpired between them, maugre their many late nights alone together at Grossberg Law Offices.

Well, naught more than the occasional brush of hands when reaching for the same files, flushed cheeks, and occasional lingering glances.

Nevertheless, he'd instantly known from the second the buxom beauty had walked through Grossberg's door, he was a goner. There could be no other for him – not now, not ever.

You don't get much more lovesick than that!

It was a feeling unlike any he'd ever known – one that went way beyond his usual concupiscence. He couldn't even begin to explain it. All he knew was that Mia was different from all the others. The way she spoke, the way she moved, the way she just was… it had a way of making you look at things differently.

A way of making you close your eyes and see with your heart.

And then there was that smile of hers.

Despite her loin-stirring, voluptuous figure, which boasted more curves than a racetrack and was indisputably made for deviant sin (it positively beckoned the touch of a man's hands), in sharp contrast, Mia possessed the most ethereal beam he'd ever seen. One that never failed to light up a room, or the dark as espresso, cynical recesses of his heart.

The smile of an angel.

Her smile shines like the stars in the sky, with no bright city lights to dim them. It's like the sun opened its eager light to shine about her, only brightening her perfectly aligned teeth. She smiles like she's never been burned by love but the fire in her eyes warns you not to play with hers…

And Mia was definitely fiery! In fact, she'd proven that she harbored enough spark to make Diego mentally dub her an honorary Latina!

It was the lesson that Robert Hammond had discovered firsthand – the hard way…


Grossberg Law Offices – September 2012

 

"Armando is really putting your nose to the grindstone, isn't he, Doll Face?" Hammond droned in his typical insolent, patronizing fashion as he watched Mia place an enormous stack of files on her desk beside an already towering stack of papers. "Has your slave driver superior even allowed you to have a break yet?"

Diego raised an irked eyebrow at the condescending, unsolicited nickname, one which he could tell the señorita did not appreciate any more than "Sweetie" or "Toots." He was skilled enough at reading women to note the indignant flare in her eyes every time these boorish, misogynistic instances occurred, easily seeing past her unwavering serene expression to the underlying indignation in those amber orbs.

To date, though, she'd somehow managed to grin and bear it all without raising an objection. Hammond may have been the new frontier in total assholology, but even he was still slick enough not to act upon these Neanderthal instincts whenever Grossberg was in the office. He knew the judicious older man wouldn't stand for such uncouth behavior in his office.

"I need to earn my stripes somehow, Mr. Hammond. Doing the grunt work is par for the course of being a rookie in this profession." Mia didn't even cast the middle-aged lecher a side-glance as she shuffled through the manila folders on her desk. "Moreover, Mr. Armando has been nothing less than an exceptional supervisor."

Locating the file she'd been rifling for, at last, she waved it triumphantly at Diego, whose workstation was beside hers. Any traces of annoyance she might've felt towards the older defense lawyer were vanquished completely as she addressed the Latino.

"Here's the case file you wanted, Senpai." A teasing smile played on her comely visage. "Mr. Hammond's right – I do think I've earned a trip to the percolator now. Refill?"

The uncharacteristically tongue-tied Diego could only nod in response as she leaned over and reached for his cup, mesmerized by that beatific beam.

A deep curve on her lips makes the world stop around her. A smile that brings back a plethora of memories in a split second. The precious dimple that crinkles makes the heart skip a beat. She has a smile that makes you feel happy about being alive, and just a bit more human…

He shook his pounding head in disgust. He'd known he was losing his edge, but this was ridiculous! The vixen literally rendered him speechless. He was nursing a major case of sleep deprivation and the remnants of a hangover. For two cents he would've bid this assignment adieu and gone south for some sun but it was too late for that. All he wanted right now was a hot meal and a soft pillow. The thought of a hot, soft wanton was prudently edited from the list as he dragged his gaze from Mia for the hundredth time.

"I'll have one too, while you're up, Toots." Hammond waved his mug in the air.

As Mia obediently came over to take it from him, the placid smile remained plastered on her mien, despite the degrading way she'd been addressed.

An oily leer spread across his craggy, smarmy phizog.

"Looks like the coffee isn't the only thing that's perky, huh? Jiggle, jiggle."

Diego felt his blood beginning to boil, but Mia simply lifted her chin and walked across the room to the coffee pot, although he could see her manicured hands were shaking with suppressed anger. She suddenly became acutely aware of her rear end. Hammond must have been staring at it, the infuriating man. She tugged her skirt down and tried not to wiggle as she turned around, carrying two full cups of hot beverage.

"Here's a heads up for future reference: Jughead Chambers is a sucker for cute, helpless dames with a pretty face and pleasing… assets!"

Hammond didn't even try to mask his lascivious appreciation of Mia's full bust as she approached him with his coffee.

"When the day finally comes that you move past desk jockey duties and into the courtroom, I suggest you keep the Fey Twins on such apt display if you want to sway the judge, Sweetie."

Madre de Dios! I've had it with this turd golem!

"Silencio! That's enough of your trash-talking, Hammond!" Diego pounded his fist onto his desk and glared ferociously at the middle-aged pervert disguised as an attorney. "You shut your goddamn filthy mouth right now before I gladly shut it for you!"

Before the Duke of Douchebaggery could make some sort of rebuttal, Mia held up a hand, flashing him a dazzling smile.

"As much as I appreciate your indignation on my behalf, Mr. Armando, there's no need for violence. There's nothing here that I haven't heard before. Moreover, I must thank Mr. Hammond accordingly for his sage advice to a fledgling, wet behind the ears rookie lawyer like myself."

She coquettishly batted her eyelashes in the astonished Diego's direction, but not before he missed the quick wink that followed it before turning back to Hammond, holding out his cup to him.

"Here's your java, Mr. Hammond – Oopsie!"

She suddenly stumbled forward, as though having tripped on the thick carpeting, catching herself by placing her palms down on Hammond's desk… But not before tipping the entire blistering contents of his coffee mug right onto his crotch.

"EEE-YOWWW!" Hammond's howl of excruciation was made almost comical by the way he skyrocketed out of his chair, not unlike a hovercraft, his features contorted in agony as he clutched at his soaked, scalded groin area. "These are Italian wool pants!"

"Oh no! How clumsy of silly, helpless little ol' me!" Mia clapped a hand to her mouth, a picture portrait of dismay. "Shall I fetch you a tissue?"

"ARRRRRGH! My junk is on fire!" Hammond was now writhing in a curled up in a ball on the floor. "I might need skin grafts!"

As a fellow man, Diego supposed he should've felt some level of empathy that Hammond's pride and joy probably wouldn't be functional for quite a while afterward. Nevertheless, all commiseration banished from his mind as Mia nonchalantly pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dropped it on the still squirming, supine man beneath her.

"As much as I'm hoping that His Honour would be more impressed by my brains rather than my body when I finally am able to go to trial, you've definitely put things into perspective for me, Mr. Hammond," she cooed sweetly. "I'd like to sincerely thank you for having prepared me to handle just about any situation that might occur so that I don't come up…all wet."

She may have seemed every bit the soft and sweet, kitten he'd silently dubbed her (whether the pre-facing sex element to the feline title was intentional or not cause for countless hours of speculation on his behalf!), but at the end of the day, it was quite obvious that unlike a helpless newborn cat, Mia Fey could take care of herself just fine.

Dios Mio, can she ever!

Diego raised his half-empty mug to hide his grin that was a mix of both lament and admiration.

Apparently, his gentlemanly instincts hadn't been required after all.

This kitten definitely has claws! MEOW!


Police Department's Records Room – October 2012

 

After the fire-crotch incident, Hammond wisely gained a newfound solemn, albeit surly respect for the youngest member of the law office, and never harassed her again. As much as Diego would've loved to have believed that his offer to rearrange the man's ugly mug had something to do with his acquiescence, he knew better. Mia had proven she was a firecracker wrapped up in a very misleading lenity package and all it'd take was the slightest match for her to unleash a spark that'd leave you permanently singed!

It was because of this recently discovered fiery nature that the newly reformed Lothario had no idea how to go about testing the waters to see if the spark between the two of them was reciprocated or entirely in his head! Normally he was never the hesitant sort with women, preferring to be very direct with his seduction approach and making his intentions clear right out of the gate, but none of those methods would be applicable to the hotheaded beauty.

Moreover, he was becoming more and more certain of the discomfiting notion that what he wanted from Mia was more than just her delectable body.

He wanted all of her – mind, heart and soul. Not just for now, but forever.

That notwithstanding, he'd never felt such a magnetic attraction towards another woman before in his entire life. The hypnotic allure she instilled in him was nearly irresistible.

Right now, he could keep only half his mind on the job. The other half was preoccupied savoring the delicate, feminine scent of the captivating beauty beside him and wondering what it would be like to have her warm and willing beneath him. He had to fight to keep from staring at her sweet, full mouth. A frown of concentration tugged at it, marring her lovely features.

She was sitting beside him and helping him rifle through the old case files in the police department records room. The immeasurable heavy drawers may or may not have contained information that would help give them further introspection into the Terry Fawles case.

While he crouched down at her feet doing his own shuffling, Mia appeared quite stymied as she sat in the old swivel chair. She was going through the copious files with one hand, while the fingers of her right hand toyed distractedly with the small, nine-shaped, purple pendant that hung on a chain around her graceful, swan-like neck.

Nice neck, he thought, his mind drifting traitorously. It was a sleek ivory column that was mostly exposed because her almond hair was pulled over to one shoulder, trying to keep it out of her way as she leaned over the drawers. The smooth, soft-looking skin beckoned for the touch of a man's lips. Unconsciously he ran his tongue over his then ground his teeth at the jolt of desire surged through him.

Expelling a long breath, Diego forced himself to study Mia with the cool, impersonal professionalism he was known for, but all he could focus on was the way her fitted blazer clung to her magnificent breasts, the feminine mounds plumped together beneath the fabric of the linen in an enticing manner that made it nigh impossible to look away.

Mia bit back an angry mutter as she went back through the countless files that she was sure she'd already futilely perused for the umpteenth time. The truth was that being in such close proximity to Diego, even closer than at the office, within the cramped confines of this tiny musty room corner, was distracting her more than she cared to admit. The spicy scent of his aftershave was beyond tantalizing and seductive; almost as much as the man who wore it.

This was a fact that was getting harder and harder to ignore as the days went by.

Don't let him see he makes you nervous! She wished she could slap herself for acting like a sophomoric schoolgirl. Crikey Moses, Mia, he's a man, not a charging rhinoceros!

Besides, she was fairly certain with Mr. Love Em & Leave Em, she'd done a decent job thus far at hiding the fact that she was having hopelessly romantic notions about him. Luckily, his mind seemed presently preoccupied with things besides the mysteries of biological attraction.

But Lordy, Lordy above, the man was a hunk! Mia knew it was sexist to say hunk, but Diego was a hunk and a half!

She lambasted herself for the mere thought. What did it matter to her that Diego Armando's looks could have put any Hollywood star to shame? It didn't. What did it matter to her that this gorgeous tower of masculinity often stared at her as though he found her to be raptly fascinating? He was no different from the other libidinous males of the world who ogled her with only one thing in mind, so his offhand admiring glances shouldn't have mattered a bit! She reminded herself he was thoroughly arrogant, a lady-killer and way more macho Latino than she ever wished to contend with. Frankly, he wasn't even her type!

As though sensing her discomfiture – no doubt the salacious scoundrel was well aware of his appeal to the female masses! – Diego caught her side glance and met it with a knowing smirk, causing her cheeks to burn with embarrassment, and she diverted her gaze back to her task at hand.

Dammit, why couldn't her first job out of law school have resulted in her having a fat balding toad of a superior to work under? Heck, even Grossberg himself would've been preferable – she'd long since learned to tune out his rambling about the lemon-scented fresh days of his youth and his grumbling about his hemorrhoids. But no, God had shown her that He was not only as unyielding as the Rock of Gibraltar, but just as immovable as well. Ergo, in no uncertain terms, Mia was stuck being the underling of Señor Sexy McSexington – whether she wanted to or not!

"Any luck, Miss Fey?" Drawled Mr. Hotter Than A Jalapeno, a smug smile tilting the corners of his lips. "Find anything useful?"

Mia sat back in her chair and gave him the most disgruntled look she could muster considering she found his smile smoulderingly sexy. She didn't need sexy. She didn't need this Adonis creating havoc on her senses five days a week and making her bones go limp every time she looked at him. How would she ever get any work done going around with limp bones?

"I need to get out of here," she announced brusquely, practically jumping out of her chair and stepping away from him; desperately needing to put some distance between them. "It's Friday night, and it's later than I realized. Maya's taking the train down from the village for the weekend, and I told her to meet us at the law office at 7:00. It's 6:30 already. I promised to take her out for dinner, and I can't be late. Do you mind if we just take a look at these evidence files with a fresh set of eyes on Monday morning?"

She'd leaped out of her seat so abruptly that she didn't see the ankle-high stack of files on the floor next to her, and nearly toppled over. However, Diego quickly shot up, and his arms went around her in an automatic reaction to save her from falling. The body against body contact was brief, yet Mia felt as if she'd run directly into the sun, the heat was so intense. Carnal awareness exploded through her, shattering her sense of calm into a bazillion shards

His hands were gripping her upper arms, and his fingertips inadvertently brushed the soft outer swell of her breasts. The shock of the contact instantly derailed his train of thought. How it'd feel to cup his hands beneath those firm, feminine globes of flesh? Heat surged through him in a wildfire of desire.

"I guess it doesn't matter if I agree or not since we came here in your car." Locking his gaze on hers, he held his breath tightly in his lungs and willed his concentration back. The strain came through his sandpaper voice. "Looks like I have no choice but to hitch a ride back with you."

Mystic Ami help me! The notion of being crammed into her tiny car with Rico Sauvé after this latest episode of sexual tension was the last thing Mia needed in the world, but it looked like she didn't have much of a choice!

In the meantime, why didn't he back off and give her some room? Being wedged between the wall and his body was having a devastating effect on her mind. Her eyes kept drifting to the width of his shoulders and chest. A sculptor couldn't have carved a more artistic representation of the male animal. Even under his dress shirt, his demarcated muscles visibly flexed and rippled under the overhead fluorescent lighting, which did nothing to detract from his masculine beauty; it only emphasized the fact that he was walking, talking mass of smoldering sensuality. The lines of his tanned visage struck her as being semi-exotic, defined, yet still blatantly male — the high cheekbones, the straight nose, the finely chiseled mouth. It was a strikingly-featured, beyond handsome face. A strong face. And the strength continued down the corded muscles of his neck to his broad shoulders.

"I'm okay, you caught me in time." Mia's breath was running out of her in fluttering ribbons. "You – you can let go of me now."

"As you wish. But there's no need to be skittish, Miss Fey," he murmured, his gaze locked on hers, all the while making no move to release her whatsoever. "I'll let you go – if that's what you really want me to do…"

Mia felt she had plenty to be edgy about! The coil of desire tightening inside her. The feel of Diego's rock-hard thighs brushing against her. The fact that she couldn't drag her eyes away from the sharply firm lines of his mouth. At the moment, she was more afraid of this unfamiliar, unignorable sensual thrall between them than she'd ever been frightened of anything in her entire life.

Electricity ran down her back in warm rivulets. Her bosom seemed to heat and swell at his accidental touch. A burning sensation ran from her chest and continued southbound to pool and swirl in the most feminine part of her.

Ultimately, self-preservation made Mia jerk herself free from his grasp.

"Let's get going then."

She desperately tried to turn her mind away from the tension that was still lingering between them, so thick you could've cut it with a katana blade.

To her dismay, she found her mental power steering had gone out, and her thoughts kept veering back to Diego's large, masculine hands brushing against her breasts. It was the first time since university that a man had touched her – that she'd even allowed to touch her – even accidentally.

Stifling a groan, she cleared her throat and forced her thoughts back to the conversation.

"I don't want to keep my baby sister waiting."

Diego stared after her as she raced off like the hounds of hell were on her tail. Since there was no cold shower available to cool off from their heated, almost encounter, he opted to stay back for a few moments to pull himself together, as well as tidy up the mess of files, including the pile that'd nearly knocked Mia off her feet, and consequently end up in his arms.

When he came outside to the parking lot a short time later, he found her leaning over the open hood of her ancient Ford Pinto while emitting a daisy chain of expletives that would've made a sailor blush.

"Car trouble?" He inquired mildly.

"The blasted thing start won't start!" She grumbled. "I'm sure it's the alternator that's finally gone kaput. But I can't tell because the engine makes a pathetic wheezing sound every time I put the key in the ignition, and then sputters and dies!"

"Shall I take a gander?"

He was pleased to have the opportunity to play knight in shining armor. Diego loved tinkering with cars. He'd paid his way through law school helping at his uncle's garage, learning enough about the fundamentals of mechanics to actually start up his own auto shop if he ever tired of being a lawyer.

"I'm quite handy with these things… Hold it! What are you doing"

He'd already been in the process of rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and unbuttoning his vest so it wouldn't get grease on it when he saw, to his utter incredulity, that Mia was slightly hiking up her skirt and reaching her fingers underneath the waistband to tug at something.

"Taking off my stockings," she replied blithely, as though it were obvious. She carelessly propped one foot up against the fender and bent her knee, giving him a prolonged view of her long, perfectly shaped leg, now bared from its sheer nylon casing, and then repeated the action with the other, like this was an everyday event. "I've read somewhere that for old cars like mine, the pantyhose trick works as a temporary fix for vehicles with v-belts."

The gobsmacked defense attorney watched as she nonchalantly removed her blazer, revealing toned slender arms that were uncovered by the silky sleeveless blouse she wore beneath the jacket and went to work.

"Let me help," he insisted gallantly, admiring her independent streak while the same time wishing she'd let him be helpful for a change! "We don't want you breaking a nail or sullying those delicate hands with nasty grease."

"Sure," she answered distractedly, already in full operation mode "There are two bolts holding the alternator in place… Could you go into my glove compartment and get me that rag so I can loosen them?"

"They're probably on there really tight." He couldn't resist one last-ditch effort to prove his industriousness. "Do you want some additional elbow grease?"

Mia raised her head at last. Her gaze lingered on his upper torso, now free from its vest, and the sinewy muscles on his forearms, fully exposed now that he'd rolled back the sleeves, for only a split second, before shaking her head and dropping her eyes.

"Don't worry, I'm stronger than I look! It's a Fey trait." She resumed the task at hand. "I know this is only a temporary fix. It'll create just enough friction on the pulleys to get them moving for the short trip back to the office, but at least I can get to my sister. I can worry about getting it towed to a garage later. Now then, if you really want to be helpful, there is something you can do for me."

"Name it," he replied automatically, try not to sound relieved at the idea of being able to show off some of his mechanical skills. "What can I do?"

"As soon as I get the pantyhose in place, would you mind turning the key in the ignition and seeing if the car starts?"

The seemingly menial nature of the assigned task made Diego feel like a cumberworld in every sense as the man was forced to essentially stand there and look ornamental – whilst the fairer sex did the dirty grunt grunt work! As much as he could appreciate just how far women's liberation had come over the years… He was now also starting to despise it with the burning passion of a thousand suns!


Meeting Maya was an unexpected pleasure. She was a plucky, sanguine adolescent, petite in stature and cute as a button. While there was essentially no physical resemblance to her glamorous older sister, he'd noted that the teenager's lambert dark eyes, which her black Shetland pony bangs kept falling into, bore the same playful sparkle as the elder Fey's whenever she was in a daffing mood.

When they'd gotten back to the office, Mia had needed to call a tow truck for her car, as it'd died the moment they'd gotten to the office parking lot. The effervescent Maya had implored Diego to join them for the night since he'd valiantly offered to drive them to the girls' favorite fast food restaurant, The Burger Queen.

Happy to play the needed role of chauffeur for the stranded damsels, he'd at least hoped he could treat them to a fun night out, too, but Mia had immediately vetoed it. The intransigent mule of a woman had staunchly insisted on paying for his food as well as theirs, insisting that it was her way of repaying him for driving them around.

Her firm no-nonsense tone left zero room for any sort of rebuttal.

It was unfathomable that the woman he was absolutely crazy about could make him feel so happy… yet emasculated at the same time! How was he ever going to sweep her off her feet and woo her when she wouldn't let him?

The evening had been wonderful though. Maya was every bit the embarrassing little sister, unabashedly teasing Mia about her and Diego being special someone's and slyly confiding in a stage whisper that she'd heard so much about him from her older sibling that she felt as if she knew him already! She'd then made a big show of putting Mia in the middle when they'd gone to a movie afterward, giving him no choice but to sit beside the calescent defense attorney during the film (and feeling tingles shoot up his arm, and straight to his chest whenever their fingers would brush in the shared popcorn bucket in his lap). The pint-sized Maya, a.k.a. the human garburator, despite having demolished two sumo-sized burger combos at the restaurant had still managed to put away an entire large-size bucket of popcorn and bathtub sized soft drink all by herself!

That girl is going to have to marry rich! The amused lawyer thought to himself. I pity the poor, unsuspecting man who gets saddled with this future burger queen down the line – if he doesn't already have deep pockets, he's going to have to get a second mortgage to be able to afford to feed her!

Maya had insisted they see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2. Diego surmised if suffering through two insufferable hours of pansy-ass, sparkling teenage vampires (he'd rather have spent the afternoon listening to Grossberg's 'roid and anal fissure issues!) wasn't enough proof that he was head over heels, he wasn't sure what was!


Shopping Mall – December 2012

 

Diego was a complete loss about how to win the heart of this maddening, wonderful, obstinate woman! At the very least, he'd hoped to surprise her with a wonderful Christmas present. The investigation opportunity presented itself while they'd been Christmas shopping for a present for Grossberg – (however applicable, they'd agreed that Preparation H would've been entirely inappropriate for a boss gift!) – and had opted instead for a dapper and cufflinks set. Naturally, she'd insisted they split the price 50/50, despite the steep cost, and the fact that he made far more than she did on her rookie lawyer salary. However, when he'd tried to steer the topic towards her own wish list, to his chagrin, he'd hit yet another dead end.

"So what are your holiday plans?"

"Maya's coming down Christmas Eve. Normally I'd go up to the village, but Pearl and my Aunt Morgan have colds and aren't feeling overly festive – so it'll be her first Noël in LA. I can't wait to see her face when she opens all her presents – although I think I may have gone a bit overboard!"

She gestured sheepishly to the half-dozen shopping bags in her hands; he'd gallantly offered to carry the other dozen!

"I know I've spoiled her rotten this year, but it's my only way of trying to make up for us being apart so much since I moved down here." A gusty sigh. "I miss that kid so much. She's my whole world."

"I've seen how much Maya adores you," he'd assured her. "I'm sure spending Christmas with her big sister is the greatest gift of all."

In the end, since jewelry, perfume and lingerie were all too personal, he could only hope she'd be happy with the Cordyline stricta he'd surprise her with at the office after the Christmas break (he feared it'd wilt being unattended while they were closed for the holidays). The Slender Palm Lily plant was pretty and graceful, like the giftee herself, and seemed about as neutral as he could get without revealing his true underlying feelings.

She'd really left him with no other choice since his gift probing efforts had been an utter bust! Her non-answer had made him want to bang his head against a wall!

"What about you, though?" He'd fervently hoped he sounded casual with the inquiry. "During this shopping spree you did for Maya, was there anything, in particular, you're hoping Santa will surprise you with underneath your tree?"

"Oh, I don't know." Another sigh. "Christmas is so much harder when you get older, you know? It's like, how to answer the proverbial question of what do you want this year? I don't know… maybe a sense of purpose? Financial security? Could use more sleep, a bottle of wine and maybe some new bras?"

With that last comment, Diego had been forced to bite his tongue so hard, he was sure he would have permanent teeth marks on it!


Grossberg Law Offices – December 24, 2012

 

Sitting in the office now, Diego mentally went over every detail of his friendship with Mia over the last few months and realized that save for those stolen moments at the police department, he had zero indication that he wasn't living out a Bob Marley song. That he wasn't "Waiting In Vain" for a love that would never be his.

His gut instincts told him that Mia was at least attracted to him… But that wasn't enough.

Ironically, it'd be the first time in his life that feeding the kitty simply wouldn't suffice. There was no way he'd even fathom risking the potential messiness of getting involved with somebody from the office; not unless he thought it could be something real and long-lasting.

And he wasn't sure she was interested in that with him at all.

Even though he'd known her less than a year, Diego could no longer remember what his life had been like before Mia had come along and brightened up his world.

Just the mere sight of her helps to get me through a long day's work and always brings a smile to my face. In her presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but I find I'm quite content in just having her nearby. Things that never interested me before – late work nights, shopping, teenybopper movies – they become fascinating because I know they are important to her, this kitten who's become so special to me.

The sadistic shop owner of the convenience store beneath the office had left his Christmas music on overnight, so the repetitive festive Muzak soundtrack in the background to set the scene. Never being the overly sentimental type, Diego generally found Christmas music to be trite and positively mind-numbing. However, at that moment, the songs carrying up from below went unnoticed as he continued to mull over his seemingly unrequited ardor.

It wasn't mere lust that he felt for Mia. Of this he was positive. So just what was this feeling?!

"Sometimes I wish I knew how to quit you!" He idly tapped his pen against his notepad. "It's tiring to think about you all the time. It's unnerving to keep getting jealous with everyone else, wondering if the delivery guy who brought us pizza the other night who was flirting with you has a better chance with you than I do. Glaring balefully at every man who dares give you a second – and third! – glance whenever I'm with you and wishing I could pop them right in the nose! You make me selfish, insecure. There are days I wish I could get rid of this certain addiction for you that I can't quite understand."

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you vainly hope to experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you…

He was shaken from his thoughts when he heard the song from the Polar Express movie playing. It'd been a favorite holiday film as a child, but right now, he wasn't hearing the actual lyrics. While he wasn't maudlin enough to actually be singing along to Christmas songs, against his own volition, his mind seemed intent on making its own verses to the hauntingly beautiful melody.


{Diego}

I've loved her from afar
Too long to be believed
I wish upon a star
Her heart's mine to receive
She makes my mind feel dizzy
Turned my world upside down
I hope someday that kitten comes around


Mouth dries up when she's near
Strange feelings so unknown
Rejection's what I fear…
I pine for her alone
Keep faith that we're meant to be
Can't let spirits get down
I hope someday that kitten comes
 around


Fire, brains and beauty like I've never seen
Everything I've wanted, woman of my dreams
There's a spark between us, my soul cannot deceive
Wishing that she feels…the same


Fire, brains and beauty like I've never seen
Everything I've wanted, woman of my dreams
There's a spark between us, my soul cannot deceive
Wishing that she feels…the same


When she laughs, angels sing
And smiles replace my frowns
All the joy that she brings
Never fails to astound
And on this night of Christmas Eve
Star wishes run abound
I hope someday that kitten comes around


Glancing down at his notepad with a start, Diego was stupefied to realize that not only his brain, but consequently, his hand, as though he no longer bore full control of it, had been scribbling down the personalized lyrics on the paper.

It was hardly Shakespearean-worthy prose; he'd readily accepted that as a poet, he was an utter balladmonger. Nonetheless, Mia was poetry…yet he couldn't read.

I saw in her eyes, all the poetry I didn't dare to write.

He let out a wistful sigh and murmured the last scrawled verse under his breath.


{Diego}

I pray someday that kitten comes around…


"What are you still doing at the office, Senpai?"

He blinked in confusion. The holiday season must really be getting to him. No doubt hearing a song about children's Noël miracles was the indisputable reason his deceitful eyes were making him believe that the object of his affection had unexpectedly materialized in the doorway, like some sort of miraculous Christmas Angel.

He clenched his bleary eyes shut, but when he opened them again, Mia was still standing there, her head tilted to the side as she regarded him with a puzzled smile.

Springing into action, he quickly shoved the incriminating evidence of his lovesick status into his jacket pocket and cleared his throat.

"Just catching up on some paperwork. But I could ask you the same question – what are you doing here, Miss Fey?"

"Maya missed the 5:00 train from Kurian village, so she caught a later one. It's a two-hour trip, so she won't be down for a couple of hours. I'd just gotten home when I realized that some of the files I promised to work on over the holiday were still sitting on my desk," Mia explained. "And since I now had some extra time to kill while I wait for her to come down, I thought I'd come back and grab them. But I didn't think that you'd still be here this late – it's dark out already!"

Squizzing down at his watch, Diego realized she was right. It was 8:30 already; definitely, time for him to get out of there. He could continue La Douleur Exquise over the sorry state of his love life from the privacy of his own home!

"Where did you park?" He asked. "When ducked out to grab a bite to eat a few hours ago, the parking lot was full when I got back."

"It still is. I guess the other businesses around us are having their office party tonight. I had to park a couple of blocks away, but there's a shortcut through the alley."

He frowned.

"I don't like the idea of you going through alleys by yourself at this hour. I'm going to walk you to your car."

"You don't have to do that!" She protested. "I'm a big girl – I can take care of myself."

"And I'm a gentleman and as long as we're in this office… Your immediate supervisor," he shot back with a grin, although his tone was unyielding. It was his turn to be stubborn now. "And I am making it my holiday decree to have you escorted safely to your vehicle on this festive evening where looters and winos run rampant through the city, Miss Fey. No objections!"

"Whatever you say," she joked, taking the arm he offered her once they were outside.

They walked along and companionable silence, and then, against his better judgement, they ended up taking the shortcut she insisted upon through the dark alley, and they were halfway through the lane when disaster struck.

The gunman in the ski mask appeared to jump out of nowhere, shoving the barrel of his pistol right into Diego's face before he had a chance to react.

"Watch. Wallet. Now," growled the thief, cocking the hammer. "And don't try any funny business, see?"

"You can have my watch," Diego assured him tersely, giving a silent note of thanks that he'd only warn his cheap Rolex knock off that day and that he didn't carry much cash in his billfold. "I'm just reaching into my pants pocket to get my wallet…"

"Nice and slow," the robber hissed, now pointing the gun at Mia, who was frozen in fear. "And I think I'll take that pretty little glowing pendant around your neck, too, lady."

"My – my magatama?" She stammered, her hands flying protectively over the mystical gemstone.
"B – but this isn't even it made from any sort of precious, or even semiprecious stone! It's purely sentimental family value… You won't garner even a penny trying to sell it…"

Diego had no idea what the significance was of the strangely shaped object dangling from Mia's chain was, or why she'd be risking her life with an armed robber over it. However, he recalled that Maya wore very similar one around her neck, and surmised it must be some sort of Fey heirloom, which meant it was very important to her.

Which meant he couldn't let it be taken away.

He placed a protective arm around her shoulder while still reaching for his wallet with his free hand.

"This ring on my finger is pure silver," he offered bravely. "I'm not sure how much you can pawn it for, but it's yours if you'll just leave the lady alone."

"Why not both?" The masked bandit snarled, jabbing his gun into Diego's shoulder and producing a switchblade with his free hand, which he was now waving at Mia. "Give me that necklace."

"No!" Diego shouted, more alarmed by the sharp metal blade that was now inches from his friend's terrified face than at the gun pressed against his own body. "Leave her alone!"

He quickly spun his body around so Mia was fully shielded by him and attempted to knock the gun out of the mugger's hand. He was only partially successful, because as the pistol fell to the cement, his swift action resulted in the disquieted criminal jerking forward with the knife, slashing deeply into the defense attorney's arm. The stinging sensation from the bloody wound shocked him into releasing his protective grip on his protégé, who dropped to the ground but tucked into a roll so she wasn't hurt by the fall. He was still standing between her and the robber, listening intently for the sound of her retreating footsteps, hoping she'd run to safety and call for help.

Instead, a loud cry pierced the night.

"WHAAAAAAAA!"

"Holy bat, Shitman!" The robber croaked, just as he was propelled backward by a Straight Blast shot, the famous signature fist move of the legendary movie star martial artist, Bruce Lee.

Glancing down at his exposed chest, where a couple of shirt buttons had become undone in the scuffle, Diego was dimly cognizant of the clear imprint bearing Mia's nine-shaped pendant on the skin of his chest, where he'd all but crushed her against him, a sensation that was dulled as he clutched his free hand to his injured shoulder and saw his fingers were a glistening ruby red.

¡Ay, caramba! He thought dazedly as he sank to his knees onto the cold pavement. I must be bleeding to death…or at least be hallucinating. How else to explain the inexplicable, humanly impossible sight I just witnessed?!

Diego tried to keep his eyes open. He could hear sirens in the distance and loud voice shouting, "Freeze, pal! LAPD!" But his lids kept drifting shut.

If only he weren't so damned woozy. If only he could clear the fuzz out of his brain, he was sure he could have figured out what was going out there. But at that moment, he didn't believe he could figure out two plus two.

He squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again, Mia was bent over him, concern etched in every feature of her heart-shaped face. She sure is gorgeous, he noted, needing something to fasten his mind on. Her teeth dug into her full lower lip. He yearned to know if they tasted as sweet as they looked – he imagined them to be like the cherry Coke she'd had at the movie theater a few months ago. What was the film called again? Breaking Wind? His mind was too foggy to remember.

She reached down and stroked his cheek with fingertips that felt like icicles on his burning skin. She was worried about him. It was there in her lovely brown eyes but he could feel the cerebrating more than see it. He grasped it with a sense that had no name and wasn't counted among the five most normally used. He could feel Mia's concern. And he wondered just before he lost consciousness what it'd be like to let down his guard and have this woman's concern touch his innermost self; the lonely man he kept locked inside him behind walls of wariness and cynicism and hidden behind a never-ending parade of inconsequential lovers… until she'd come along.

Heaven. It would be like heaven. But heaven was a long way out of his reach.

Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was already dead.

How else could one possibly explain that his heavenly savior; the one who'd restrained his assailant that night by performing the iconic Jeet Kune Do fighting moves, popularized by Bruce Lee… had been none other than the late Dragon himself?!

While wearing Mia's work clothes?!

Hickfield Clinic – December 24, 2012

ER Dr. Suhkdeep Mann had diagnosed Diego's heroically attained shoulder injury as a deep enough laceration to require stitches, then cautioned that tetanus shots tended to have a very sedative effect. Ergo, the Latino would be zonked out for a while. However, he'd assured the unnerved Mia that the defense attorney would be just fine in a day or so, and probably be home for Christmas.

Hearing this news of this holiday miracle was the greatest gift of all.

As Diego moaned in his sleep, she responded to him on an instinctive level and bent over him to stroke a soothing hand along the rough, beard-shadowed plane of his cheek. The action was as automatic as breathing.

Unable to stop herself, Mia reached out with one finger and traced the length of his arm. It was a trail that followed the hills and valleys of muscles on a man who used his body as well as his mind. The hair on the back of his forearm rasped gently against her fingertips and tingles of awareness shot through her. She pulled her hand away as if his fevered skin had singed her. Her gaze jerked back up to his shoulder where a fresh bandage covered the knife wound.

Why had he gone through such extremes for her? He of devilish charm who could have any woman he chose? He was a riddle inside a puzzle inside a dangerously handsome facade.

In spite of her relief, Mia had every intention of giving that man a piece of her mind as soon as he woke up! She definitely wasn't the sort of person who craved a lot of excitement. She didn't need to get involved with people who took potentially getting shot in stride as a normal hazard of their everyday lives! She couldn't believe he'd nearly gotten himself killed over her!

The brave, wonderful, noble, hot as sin…idiot!

Romanticizing again, Mia, she scolded herself and nibbled on her lip. Who's the idiot now?!

In all fairness, it was difficult not to fantasize about the circumstances. She felt like the heroine of a historical novel; a damsel nursing a fallen knight – who happened to be more handsome than the devil himself.

With a sigh, she sat back and studied him as he settled into a deeper sleep, absently rubbing her magatama between her thumb and forefinger. He was full of surprises, just like Pandora's Box. And like the girl in the story, she had an irresistible urge to open the box, even though she knew how unwise it could be.

Who was he? She wondered, trying frantically to get her mind off his anatomy. Where was he from? What was his family background? How could she be so attracted to him without knowing these vital bits of information? She wasn't the sort to fall for a man based on looks alone.

It wasn't just that. She'd spent more than enough time with Diego to know by now that there was a lot more to him than what pleasingly met the eye.

Which meant now she was in real peril.

"The stress of what happened tonight is making you irrational," Mia muttered to herself. "That's the only logical explanation. You're not seriously falling for Diego Armando!"

Her entire body seemed to reject the statement she'd just made.

Admittedly, the physical attraction had been there from the minute she'd walked into that law office and first heard his sexy bedroom voice.

Lust. There wasn't anything rational or logical about it.

An ominous sense of certainty descended over her.

Who was she kidding? This was more than mere lust and she damn well knew it!

From the very first time she'd gazed into those intense dark eyes, Mia knew that she was hopelessly lost.

In those earthy hues were his soul, not in the way of those cheesy romance novels, so obsessed with carnality, but with the kind of beauty that expanded a moment into a personal eternity; a heaven you wished to be a part of.

Her slim shoulders rose and fell with her sigh of defeat. She couldn't have picked a more difficult man if she'd held auditions for the part. Under his suave exterior, she sensed Diego was jaded, sardonic, and, despite being a ladies' man, a loner.

But he was also smart and warm and protective and kind…

There were no two ways about it – the darn man needed love. He deserved love.

She wasn't exactly sure when it'd happened. Or even when it'd started. All she knew for sure was that right here and now, she was falling like a ton of bricks, and she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.

I want to be everything you could ever need. Let me be the sun peeking through the clouds after a storm. Let me be the eyes you look into, the eyes you lose track of time in, the eyes that can heal wounds neither of us can see. Let me be the piece that makes you whole again, to complete your soul. Let me be the song you can never get out of your head, the song playing on repeat all day every day. Let me be the smile you can never forget, that grin you always want to see. Let me be these things and I promise I'll never let you down.

Now she was in even deeper peril.

"Jiminy Christmas," she muttered on a sigh of resignation. Why did she have to be such a blasted romantic? In college, her best friend had always counseled her to hang onto that trait. Lana Skye had claimed that the world needed more romantics. Maybe that was true, but why the heck did she have to be one of them?!


Hickfield Clinic – December 24, 2012

 

The next morning, Maya had insisted on accompanying Mia to the hospital to check on Diego. Her little sister seemed to have acquired the hugest crush on the defense attorney since their night at the movies. She also wouldn't stop teasingly referring to him as her 'future brother-in-law,' despite Mia's blushing protests.

The moment they'd gotten to his floor, the spirit medium had asserted that, despite having eaten a special Yuletide breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes (shaped like Santa hats and Christmas bells) only half an hour ago, she was hungry – yet again! Naturally, she'd then begged for some grub from the cafeteria.

Mia never could say no to those pleading, puppy-dog brown eyes. She doubted the poor future sucker her sister would end up (and consequently eat out of house and home!) would be able to, either!

With a resigned laugh, Mia decided that rather than bring her bottomless pit of a sibling along and risk having her order everything on the menu, she'd have the teen wait for her outside Diego's room while she made the quick food run. Her meager pockets could only afford some chips and just a few other munchies – she simply didn't make enough money to keep that child fully satiated on her rookie attorney salary!

When she returned, arms laden with snacks, she was surprised to see Maya wasn't sitting in the hallway anymore. Puzzled, she peeked her head into the room – and then froze in the doorway.

Nothing could've prepared Mia for the sight before her, or for the effect that it'd have on her heart.

Diego was sitting up in bed, bronze chest bared and dark hair tousled, looking impossibly masculine and gorgeous despite being in need of a shave. Maya was sitting on the bed laughing gleefully beside him, jabbering away a mile a minute.

"I can't believe Sis never explained we're from a long line of spirit mediums!" She was crowing. "Boy, do you two ever have a load of catching up to do! Turns out you really weren't hallucinating last night; you really did see Bruce Lee kick that mugger's ass last night! Although by the time the detective got there – I forgot what she said his name was… Gumtree? Suede Shoe? – the thug was totally knocked out cold! So, in the end, Sis saved the day with her awesome channeling powers!"

"I had no idea I was working alongside such a spiritual powerhouse, although I'm most fortunate that she's on my side." Diego's eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled fondly at Maya. "I'm also a lucky man to have woken up to such a special visitor in my room!" He tapped her on the nose. "You must be my Christmas present!"

Maya giggled again and smiled at him adoringly.

"Lord, don't do this to me," Mia whispered weakly. She was too exhausted and too emotionally drained right now to fight off the wave of emotions that'd assaulted her upon seeing that big, macho lawyer warming the heart of her baby sister. Wearily she closed her eyes.

In a flash, every memory she had of her time with the java lover passed through her mind – his initial arrogance... the way he'd risen to protect her from Hammond's lechery… the way he'd endured watching that train-wreck vampire movie (although comparing it to a train wreck wasn't really fair to train wrecks, because people actually wanted to watch those!) … going Christmas shopping with her … the way he always made her laugh during their late-night work sessions…

She thought of the incredible physical magnetism that drew her to him. Then she opened her eyes and regarded him again as he bent his dark head and murmured something that made Maya let out another peal of laughter.

And in that instant, Mia fell completely, hopelessly totally in love with Diego Armando.

It wasn't a pleasant thing. It wasn't flowers and church bells and bird song. It was a long, hard fall down a bumpy hill to the rocks of reality. She was in love with a man who distanced himself from people. He kept to himself behind a wall speaking with a silver tongue and offering lovers physical ecstasy, but nothing deeper of himself. She didn't want to be in love with him. Any woman with an ounce of common sense would've taken one look and known this Casanova was nothing but a heartbreaker.

That had to mean she didn't have a shred of intelligence then, because she was looking at him now and all she wanted was to go join him on that bed, have him take her in those muscular arms and hold her.

The fingers of her left hand curled around the smooth wood of the door frame as if to keep her from giving in to that desire.

Diego looked up and saw her looming in the doorway, beaming from ear to ear at the sight of her.

"Good morning, Miss Fey. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." She met his smile with a bashful one of her own. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." His brain felt like steel wool his shoulder throbbed and his skin hurt all over but these complaints seemed minor enough to fit under the heading of "fine."

All that mattered was he was alive

"How long have I been out?" Diego asked, scratching at the stubble that covered his lean cheeks.

"About 12 hours,'' she answered as she flitted about his room like a hyperactive butterfly, straightening thing that had already been straightened a dozen times and had never needed it in the first place.

Maya's eyes lit up as she saw the armful of goodies Mia was carrying.

"Swiss Rolls!" She chirped merrily, pouncing upon them like a ravenous lion. "Ooooh…and burger-flavored potato chips! Huzzah!"

"I hope they tide you over for at least the morning," Mia said dryly. "They were all I could afford! I don't know what's more gouging – the parking rates at this hospital, or how much they charge for so-called food!"

"They should tide me over for an hour at least!" Maya replied cheerfully through a mouthful of chocolate goodness. "Although I'm sure I could've picked something more filling if you'd just let me go with you!"

"If I'd done that, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent!" Mia laughed as the girl ripped open the peppermint candies and fed Diego one. "Slow down, Maya; you're acting like you haven't eaten in a month! It's like Aunt Morgan doesn't feed you at all!"

"All we eat in the village are vegetables!" Maya exclaimed plaintively. "And Aunty doesn't let me have any snacks in between meals, because she says feeling semi-starved is better for harnessing spiritual powers!"

"Tell you what, Maya," Diego ventured smoothly. "If you reach into my jacket hanging on that chair and grab my wallet, I'll give you some money to go get yourself some real food from the cafeteria. How's that sound?"

"Super-duper!" Maya eagerly hopped up and went rifling through his coat pockets, retrieving the leather billfold. A crumpled sheet of paper fell to the floor as she did so, and the defense attorney grew visibly flustered as she held it up. "Hey, what's this?"

"Nothing!" Diego replied quickly, already extending his palm. "Could you hand that here, please?"

Shrugging, Maya passed him the notebook page, which he quickly shoved under the blanket. Then she pecked him on the cheek as she grabbed a $20 bill from the wallet.

"Thanks a bunch, Diego! You're the best! Merry Christmas, and get well soon!"

"Feliz Navidad, preciosa," he replied indulgently, waiting until Maya had left the room before turning to Mia with a raised brow.

"Spirit channeling, huh? And Bruce Lee, of all people! It'll always be: go big or go home with you, won't it?"

"I didn't think I'd even still be capable of it… It's been years," Mia admitted shyly. "Though I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. I wanted to let you know that while I'm really thankful to you, and so glad that you're going to be alright, I'm also really sorry that you got hurt defending me."

"I tried to defend you," he corrected wryly. "In the end, you just proved for the umpteenth time that you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and don't need my help for anything."

He flashed a crooked grin.

"All I did was cause myself a minor contretemps by getting injured in the process!"

"What on earth is this pettifog about?" She gasped in dismay. "I admit that I'd learned to rely on my own means since I moved out of the village and into the city, but let's get real! Diego, that man had a knife and a gun… If you hadn't distracted and disarmed him with your temerity, we could both be dead right now!"

"Nonetheless, I'm not the one who apparently beat the snot out of the perpetrator, as your sister so colorfully explained, and then gave him the big KO!" He let out a humorless laugh. "That was all you."

"Will you stop being such a chauvinistic brute already?!" She retorted indignantly, bewildered and hurt by his somewhat rancorous tone. "I did what I had to do to ensure we both survived the attack! Would you rather I'd allowed us to be at the mercy of that lunatic? What the heck is your problem?"

"My problem is that you're a difficult woman to stack up against, Mia Fey!" He snapped back. "From the moment I met you, all I've wanted to do was be there for you, help you, protect you! Alas, all my efforts have bombed so hard, they made the H-bomb look like a two-inch salute!"

Mia felt as though she'd been slapped. She felt terrible if she'd somehow made him feel that way – but at the same time, she didn't want to have to apologize for who she was.

"Well, forgive me for having grown accustomed to being independent and not some simpering damsel in distress who needs to rely on a man for every little thing," she bit back. "I guess playing the role of the cute, helpless female in accordance with how that slimebag vulgarian initially treated me is the only thing that'd ever make a behindhand, sexist jerk-face like you happy!"

"Objection! I never wanted you to be something you're not!" He cried in frustration. "You're perfect just the way you are – which only makes it that much harder for a man like me to try to wow you!"

Mia reeled back in shock, and Diego sighed deeply. He softened his tone, the picture of utter dejection now as he regarded her with hapless espresso orbs.

"From day one, the only thing I've ever truly been peccable of was wanting to impress you... Mia."

"Why?" She blurted out before she could stop herself. "I'm already in love with you!"

Diego's eyes widened at her outburst, and she clapped a hand over her mouth, feeling her face burning behind her palm as she awaited his reaction with bated breath.

Her proclamation hung in the air for what seemed like a million agonizing minutes, until he spoke, at last, his cadence laced with awe.

"These are some heavy meds they gave me here." His tone was filled with wonder. "They must give the power to grant your greatest wish…assuming I didn't hallucinate what I thought I just heard you say?"

For a minute, Mia's courage almost failed her, but then she steeled her nerves and met his eyes steadily. This time, she didn't look away as she spoke the words left unsaid for far too long.

"You say you've been trying to impress me … yet I'm the one who still gets butterflies even though I've seen you hundreds of times." Her voice trembled. "Remember how you asked me what I wanted for Christmas?"

He nodded silently.

"Well, all I want for Christmas … is you, Diego. That's it." Mia's lips quivered. "I want you, with all your mistakes. All your flaws, smiles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you."

Her eyes sparkled with heartfelt, the light making them look alive. Their light topaz color was soft, the exact shade of the gemstone. A ring of gold hung inside her iris, adding another layer of depth to her already beautiful orbs.

"I have died every day waiting for you. Diego, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years, and I'll love you for a thousand more. I've waited long enough, but I'll wait even longer if it means someday you'll love me, too…"

Nothing could've prepared Diego for the rush of wonder flooding through him from his declaration. The irrevocable power of those three magic words was unequivocally rhapsodic, mind-blowing, exhilarating … and everything he ever could have wanted in this whole world.

Without uttering a word, he slid the crumpled note from under the blanket and pressed it into her palm, his eyes never leaving her face as she read the song lyrics that he'd penned the night before. Tears of joy began to roll down her cheeks, and he tenderly wiped them away with his thumb.

"Mi gatita," he uttered hoarsely, already reaching for her face to draw her to him, his heart in his eyes. "Te quiero con todo mi alma."

"Yo también te quiero, Diego Armando." She stroked his cheek. "Siempre."

"Eres el amor de mi vida, Mia Fey," he vowed, resting his forehead against hers. "I would not only give up all the women in the world for you, but I'd even give up coffee for you."

She began to giggle helplessly as he added, "but I know you love me too much to ever ask."

"Don't tempt me, Señor Java!"

"You've been tempting me with those divine lips from the moment I saw you," he growled. "Let me finally give in to my sinful temptations, my enchantress."

He put a hand under her chin. As soon as she tilted her head up toward him, he placed his palm on her cheek. He leaned over, inching toward her lips, as she struggled to decide whether or not to close her eyes. When his lips brushed hers, her eyes closed on their own. It was a gentler kiss than she'd expected from him, full of invitation, but no pressure.

Mia's lips accepted the overture. There was no way she could even try to resist. So, she leaned into him, kissing him back with all the pent-up love and longing in her heart. Her mouth parted ever so slightly, her breath mingling with his. He tasted faintly of candy cane. He pulled her closer to him, and the kiss grew more intense; a lot less invitation and a lot more pressure.

It was dizzying. It was the sweetest of kisses. Mia couldn't help but drink it in. She had so little control where this man was concerned – and none at the moment. In the deepest, most secret part of her soul, all she wanted was to have him hold her as he was holding her now. As if he cherished her; as if he wanted her in his life for the rest of his. She let herself melt against him and squeezed her eyes so tightly closed, the emotional tears that gathered at the corners could barely escape.

At last, when she turned away from his lips to catch her breath, she rested her forehead on his chest, breathing hard.

"Kissing you is everything I ever hoped it would be," she whispered. "Besarte es como ver las estrellas."

"Muy romántica, mi gatita." Diego was impressed by her flawless speech in his native tongue. "But since when do you speak Spanish?"

"Since always! I did grow up in the state of California, which is right beside Mexico!" She smirked. "Or rather… siempre."

"You never told me that!"

"You never asked!"

"Sustained. The defense rests." He chuckled and ran his hand over her satiny caramel hair. "I look forward to uncovering many more mysteries about you, Madame Attorney."

"And I look forward to having you uncover me, in more ways than one!" Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "But first, you need to get out the hell of this hospital bed!"

"Later today, kitten. You have my word. There's nothing I look forward to more than being your personal scratching post tonight!"

He treated her to a wicked grin that was guaranteed to get him on Santa's naughty list, but then his expression suddenly changed as he continued to gaze lingeringly into her eyes.

"What is it, Diego?" She asked softly, unable to read the intensity in that mocha stare, yet unable to pry her eyes away. "What are you thinking?"

In a voice aching with tenderness, he whispered, "Mi gatitatu amor vale mas que millones de estrellas."

"Now look at who's the romantic one, you not-so-secret softy!" She teased, her eyes glowing with love as she kissed him again. "Feliz Navidad, mi amor."

"Merry Christmas, kitten."

 

 

THE END

 

Chapter Text

 

" I Am Number One"
Sung to the tune of
"We Are Number One"
from 
Lazy Town


It was the evening of the Police and Prosecutor Choice Awards, a time when prosecutors and members of the many divisions of the LAPD came together to celebrate the previous year's accomplishments over a nice dinner at the precinct. So as one would expect, the precinct's spacious, all-purpose room was decorated to the nines for the occasion. After all, heaven forbid that the prosecutors – especially Manfred von Karma and his young protégé, Miles Edgeworth – were seen in an environment that was less than immaculate.

The room's grey carpet, which was usually pretty clean, to begin with, was so thoroughly steamed that not a single speck of dirt was present on its fluffed appearance. The numerous tables scattered around the room that were all being used by various prosecutors and police officers were each covered with a pristine table cloth that was as white as snow and a colorful centerpiece consisting of several flowers – daffodils, hydrangeas, Oleanders, and a number of others – and a golden miniature version of the commonplace Lady Justice statue in which the ends of her scales were replaced with a prosecutor's badge and a police badge. Though the most noticeable feature of the room was the large stage that was situated at the room's front-center, making it impossible to miss – especially considering how all the spotlights shining on its reflective glossy surface made the rest of the room look pitch-black by comparison.

Though if there was one thing that was even brighter than the stage itself, it was Damon Gant's usual orange suit as he stood on the stage as Chief Prosecutor Blaise Debeste handed him his King of Detectives award, a mid-sized trophy that featured a gaudy silver magnifying glass and dusting brush positioned in an x-shape on top of a black-painted iron pedestal, before returning to his table at the front of the room.

"Hey, Manny! Look at my award!" Gant excitedly whispered as he took his seat to the veteran prosecutor's left and Lana's right. "Pretty impressive, eh?"

"King of Detectives…? Bah! You'd be better off examining an ant colony and deciding which ant is better than the rest," Manfred sneered with a hushed voice. "Because at least ants know how to obey orders and do their job properly, unlike certain detectives..."

"Sir, don't you think that's a bit cruel?" Edgeworth calmly whispered. "I know that we prosecutors are the backbone of the legal world, but shouldn't detectives have at least a few moments of glory in their otherwise bleak existence?"

"Tell you what, Miles, when you win more awards than me, you can tell me how to think." Manfred curtly responded as he squeezed his bicep.

"Well, considering how both you and Edgeworth are currently tied at a grand total of zero awards tonight, von Karma, that shouldn't be too difficult a goal to achieve," Lana snidely commented.

"That's because all of the awards that have been presented up until now – Perfect Attendance, Most Improved Prosecutor, King of Pay Cuts – have all been pity trophies to help console the imperfect prosecutors and the entirety of the police force who couldn't even spell 'capable' if their lives depended on it. But this next award is different, for it is King of Prosecutors, the accolade made specifically for the most perfect of prosecutors. So naturally, if I am to win any award this evening, it is – oh, it's starting. My moment of triumph." Manfred smirked.

"Ok, everyone, here's the award you've all been waiting for: King of Prosecutors. Y'see, as you all know, this is an award that we give out to only the best and brightest that the Prosecutor's Office has to offer. After all, with how many 'prodigy' prosecutors who are 20 and under we have employed, it's practically anyone's competition, y'know? But this year's King of Prosecutors isn't like the others. Y'see, not only is this guy a force to be reckoned with in the courtroom, but he's as likable as his sense of style is unusual. So, without further ado, this year's King of Prosecutors is-"

At that moment, Blaise was interrupted by Edgeworth taking out his flute and starting to play an upbeat song as Manfred stood up and started proudly walking up on stage.

"Oh no, not this again…" Lana groaned as she facepalmed. "Only a complete moron or a sadistic troll would actually like that musical number that von Karma forces us to listen to every year."

"Yeah! It's happening! Manny's number one! Manny's number one!" Gant chuckled, clapping his gloved hands together as Manfred started singing.


{Manfred}

Bah!

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

This never gets old…


Manfred paused to grab the King of Prosecutors trophy, which he proceeded to hold out with a sneer on his face for all the other prosecutors in the audience to see.


{Manfred}

My lessers trounced and my glories told,

My perfection given form to hold.

Though winning this award was hardly a feat,

For these other "prosecutors" reek of defeat.

They're naïve like sods,

Their cases flawed,

And they dress like a bunch of frauds.


"Better to look like a fraud than a member of the Addams family!" Jake Marshall, from his table towards the front of the room, called out, prompting Manfred to shoot him a death glare and Neil Marshall, who was sitting next to him, to start snickering.


{Manfred}

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

With my perfect suit,

My stylish hair,

And my cravat white,

I am quite the sight,

Right?


"If y'all are a sight, von Karma, I'd be better off starin' into a Texas sun at high noon till I couldn't see no more sights!" Jake retorted in a fit of laughter, earning a high-five from his brother.

"I swear, one more outburst like that from either of you and I will do to the both of you what your beloved Texas did to proper grammar!" Manfred roared with a snap of his fingers.


{Manfred}

Now listen to me,

Pesky thorns,

I was prosecuting since before you were born!

Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!


Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!


Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!

I am number one!

I am number one!

Bah!

Bah!


"Neil Marshall!" Blaise proclaimed with a sneer on his face, causing Manfred to reel back out of shock as the room filled with the hoots and hollers of the Marshall brothers.

"WHAT!?" Manfred roared, his eyes the size of saucers as a few beads of cold sweat started to drip down his brow.

"You heard me, von Karma. This year's King of Prosecutors is Neil Marshall! So, get up here, Cowboy, and claim your prize!" Blaise jovially stated with a wave of his hand, an order that Neil didn't hesitate to take up as he ran up on stage and ripped the trophy out of Manfred's hands.

"Good night above…" Neil sighed with a grin and a slight shake of his head as he took Blaise's place at the podium to give a speech. "With all the talented and experienced prosecutors that I have the privilege to work with every day, I never would have thought that I'd ever win an award like this in my lifetime, let alone my third year on the job. So, needless to say, I am deeply touched that y'all think so highly of me – even after I've lost more than one trial to that coffee-loving defense attorney at the start of my career."

The cowboy prosecutor paused to chuckle as he scratched the back of his neck.

"…Woo boy, if y'all think that losing a case you spent hours preparing for to some bluffing attorney makes ya feel lower than a snake's belly, then you obviously haven't had a mug of coffee thrown at your head…"

Neil had to pause for a brief moment to let the laughter that was erupting from the audience come to a stop as his face became slightly morose.

"Real shame what happened to Armando – hombre had one hell of an arm and a fightin' spirit to match. But at least he died doing what he loved: drinking coffee and being suave while doing so. Though I only wish I had the chance to thank him. Sure, he gave me hell, but with that hell, he pushed me to become the prosecutor that I am today. Though while on that subject, I'd also like to thank my brother, Jake, for always being there for me ever since we were kids playing Cowboys and Indians – even though we got into more than one fight about who got to be the cowboy – Detectives Gant and Skye, for inspiring all of us with their devotion to justice, and finally, Prosecutor Manfred von Karma…"

Even though he was embarrassed beyond belief, Manfred couldn't help but smirk a little upon being recognized. Sure, it wasn't as glamorous as being named King of Prosecutors once again, but it was nice to know that he was helping to inspire the younger generation… even if their fashion sense and lack of class were much to be desired.

"Whenever he stops by the Prosecutor's Office, I feel compelled to give it everything I've got – partially 'cause the guy's win record's cleaner than a washcloth on washday and I wanna look semi-competent by comparison, but mostly 'cause if I don't, then he's gonna be on me like stank on a crap wagon, lecturing me from dawn 'till dusk about how I'm not 'working hard enough' instead of leaving me alone so that I can actually get my work done. Plus, whenever my nerves start getting shakier than a jitterbug doing the jitterbug on a jumping bean before a trial, I take a deep breath and tell myself, 'Neil, if von Karma can go into court dressed like Dracula's granddaddy's corpse for 40 years without a care in the world and win every time, then what do you have to be worried about?'" Neil jokingly asked, prompting the audience to once again start laughing.

However, unlike last time, where the audience was allowed to calm down at their own pace, this time, their laughter was abruptly ended by the loud thud of the end of Manfred's cane slamming against the hardwood surface of the stage.

"Cease your insolent laughter!" Manfred roared with a snap of his fingers as he glared daggers into the audience. "I do not have to stand here and take this undeserved slander! Miles, we're leaving!"

Heeding his mentor's word, Edgeworth got up from his seat and made a beeline dash for the room's exit while Manfred followed suit – only instead of running, the veteran prosecutor maintained what little dignity he had left by loudly stomping to the door with his fists and teeth clenched. However, before he could reach the exit, he was stopped by someone calling out to him.

"Hey, von Karma!" Blaise shouted, prompting the 'perfect' prosecutor to slowly turn his head back so he could glower at his superior's sneering face. "Y'know, if it makes you feel any better, you'll always be number two to me!"

"Bah!" Manfred huffed as he thrust open the door leading out of the room and made an effort to slam it behind him as loudly as possible as he exited.

Chapter Text

"Try Defending"
sung to the tune of "Try Everything"
from Disney's 
Zootopia


With great trepidation, Miles headed towards the patient room he'd been directed to by the Hotti Clinic nurse in the Intensive Care Unit. How he hated hospitals! They were third on his aversion list, right after earthquakes and elevators. To him, they only symbolized pain and death and the pungent smell of the place always made him queasy. He tended to avoid them like the plague. How was it he was forced to return to this dreadful place for the second time in less than a year, both times for people he desperately cared for and couldn't imagine his life without?

Of course, he'd rather die than tell that to Wright. If his friend ever found out that he'd chartered a private jet right after he'd gotten Butz's hysterical late-night call, he'd surely tease him mercilessly.

He turned the doorknob and entered Phoenix's room, absently noting the simple furnishings: a wooden table on the left of the stretcher, a couple of chairs on either side of the bed and a glass sliding window with a view of the outside of the buildings surrounding the hospital.

Of course, what had his full attention was the sight of the coughing, spiky-haired man sitting up in the bed, hunched over and frowning at the laptop in front of him.

Humph! Miles thought, simultaneously relieved and peeved. While the patient doesn't look to be in any condition to be making fun of anything, he most surely also doesn't look like he's knocking on heaven's door, the way that histrionic buffoon Butz led me to believe!

The surprise was stamped across Phoenix's features as he looked up then and saw his friend standing in the doorway. He started to speak, but suddenly his body began to shake as he went into a coughing fit. Winded with exhaustion, he flopped back down on his pillow and silently waved at Miles in welcome.

"Wright." Miles nodded in greeting, even as he stifled the urge to hug – and possibly then throttle – his friend for nearly giving him a coronary.

But of course, being a logical man of law, he would never commit such an action, for it would be done purely in vain.

After all, they were in a hospital, with resuscitating equipment!

"Edgeworth!" Phoenix's dark blue eyes were the size of saucers as he stared at him. "What are you doing here? I thought you and Franziska were working overseas for Interpol?!"

"Clearly I took a break from said duties because I was awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call from a hysterical friend of ours who led me to believe that you were on the brink of death."

Phoenix's shoulders drooped as he grimaced. "Let me guess…this friend wouldn't happen to occasionally be referred to as Harry Butz now, would he?"

"Yes, although the man of many names rather insistently informed me that he now wants to be known as Laurice Deauxnim." Miles' lips twitched with amusement.

"Heh, heh…there's a bit of a story to that. I have quite a bit to get you caught up on. Why don't you pull up a chair?"

As Miles sat down, he noticed, for the first time, the Demon Warding hood tossed carelessly at the foot of the bed.

"Wright, what in God's name is that ridiculous looking contraption?"

"Oh, ya, that's another tale entirely. It's the Demon Warding hood Iris gave me. I was wearing it up until you came in. It was making my head itch…plus it totally flattens my spikes."

"I didn't think there was any force of nature that could achieve that, Wright," Miles quipped, smirking when he saw Phoenix's scowl. "So, tell me, how are you feeling?"

"Well, I feel dizzy, my ears are ringing, my throat burns, and my head is on fire. Other than that, I'm fine, thanks."

"Right. I spoke with the doctors. They told me that you'll need to stay here for two days and get bed rest."

"They told me that too, but I don't need to stay here that long. I told them I'm completely fine!" The minute Phoenix finished the sentence he went into another coughing fit.

"Oh yes. You're doing splendidly."

Once the coughing episode had subsided, Phoenix let out a deep breath and flopped back against his pillow again, shutting his eyes. "I can't stay here Edgeworth! There's so much I need to do! I need to find make sure Maya is alright, find Ms. Deauxnim's murderer, locate Pearls and defend Iris…"

"What you need to do," Miles said firmly. "Is get better, Wright! You can barely talk, never mind walk! You're not a superhero and it's a miracle you're alive after falling off an 80-foot high burning bridge! You're lucky you didn't catch pneumonia or your death! I've never known you to be this foolish before. What the hell were you thinking?!"

Phoenix's eyes remained closed, and he only managed to whisper one word. "Maya."

Miles sighed. Maya Fey. Of course. The only person in the world who could make his semi-rational (on a good day) friend lose his head entirely. The besotted fool loved that girl so much he had first nearly let a murderer walk for her, and now had nearly died for her. Miles wasn't sure he would have Phoenix's crazy fortune and survive such a spill with only a cold – if at all! He would have surely suffered at least a few broken or amputated limbs! Naturally, he hoped and prayed he'd never have to prove his devotion for a woman using such drastic means. Was he wimp because he preferred the much safer champagne and flower path instead?

"I know you love her, Wright," he said gently. "But you're no good to Miss Fey, or anyone, as a dead man. Sometimes…it may be better to lead with your head than your heart."

Phoenix opened one dark-circled eye.

"You mean like you do, He-Who-Deems-Feelings-Unnecessary?"

"Like any logical person, Wright."

Phoenix opened both his eyes then, the bags underneath them proof of his sleepless state over his current plight, which Miles knew naught about. They were now glaring holes into the prosecutor as he seethed, "Well, forgive me for not being as emotionally constipated as some people! We can't all be poised and logical Perfect Prosecutors, can we, Mr. Roboto?"

Miles groaned inwardly and felt his face turning the same color as his magenta suit. He couldn't think of any argument, logical or illogical, to counter that statement. Especially when he knew his friend was right.

"You got me there, Wright," he said reverently. "It was never my intention to try to make you over in my own image. I merely wanted to ensure that you'd be more careful in your actions henceforth, I would ever want to lose our favorite courtroom adversary."

Phoenix's defensive expression softened.

"Sorry, Edgeworth. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat like that. I know you're just looking out for me. It's just hard to keep it together with this particular predicament… "

"I don't know much about your current situation," Miles admitted. "I have to go meet up with Larry at the detention center after this, and we both know however noble his intentions, he's not exactly the most credible source of information. If you are willing to tell me about it, I'm willing to offer you my assistance in any way I can."

"Really?" Phoenix eyed him with a mixture of skepticism and hopefulness. "You aren't pulling my leg here?"

"I thought you'd know me well enough by now, Wright." Miles crossed his arms and tapped his finger. "I rarely make jokes, and especially not about matters of such importance. Now, you can tell me what's been going on in my absence, or I shall take my leave."

"Wait, don't go! Sheesh, I'll tell you!"

Phoenix went on to explain the details of events that had transpired: the medium special training course Maya had wanted at Hazakura Temple, meeting Sister Bikini and Elise Deauxnim and the other subsequent details leading up to her murder.

Miles listened intently, jotting down the pertinent information on his organizer.

Phoenix finished the summary of him finding Elise Deauxnim's body and his consequent fall into the raging river.

"Well, this is quite the quandary you've gotten yourself into, Wright," Miles said dryly. "The Matt Engarde case seems like a real pip in comparison. And you said Miss Fey is still trapped on the other side of the Dusky Bridge?"

"Yes, she is, and Pearls seem to have disappeared, too. I hope she's OK. She's going to be devastated when she finds out about Maya and her favorite children's author."

I hope they're alright, too. Those poor girls have been through enough. To think they had to be there when this horrific event occurred…

"This is a most captivating case, Wright. I'm going to go check out Hazakura Temple myself after I go meet Butz at the detention center. I will keep you updated on what's happened since you were brought here. I'll do my best to find out how Maya and Pearl are doing, as well. Thank you for the information." Miles put away his organizer and pen and rose to his feet.

"No problem. Hey, before you go, here, take these with you." The bedridden defense attorney reached over to his bedside table and grabbed a couple of items.

The first item he handed over was a green rock shaped like a number nine. Miles blinked a few times and held it up to the light. It looked like something out of an alien Sci-Fi movie. Is this thing actually… glowing? No, impossible, it can't be glowing!

"It's a magatama," Phoenix explained, grinning at the prosecutor's perplexed expression. "Essentially it's a rock that allows you to see inside people's hearts. When someone is keeping a secret, or hiding something from you, with that stone, you will see silver chains appear, and on the chains, red locks. They're called psyche-locks."

Psycho-locks? How appropriate. This whole concept Wright is trying to sell me on is an absolutely psycho!

"No, seriously," Phoenix chuckled, catching Mile's dubious look. "Depending on how many secrets the person is keeping, or how well-guarded, there will be more locks. The most I've ever seen is five. Breaking the locks can help you get vital information out of people, which can be used in court. When you see the locks, just present the magatama and question the person. You usually need to present some evidence to get the locks to break. Are you following me?"

Miles nodded after a moment's pause. "Yes, I believe so." This cold must have really affected Wright's brain if he's spouting off such nonsense. As if anyone could seriously see into the hearts of others! Outrageous! Although if this thing were real, it would certainly explain how a reckless rookie attorney could have repeatedly beat me and both Von Karmas in court!

He frowned. When you thought of it that way, he wasn't sure if believing that Wright had beat him in court because he'd had some supernatural, advantageous edge made him feel better or worse!

"One more thing." Phoenix dropped the other item into his hand.

Miles stared down at the small gold-colored item in his hand. It was engraved with the scale of justice and so well polished that it shone brightly even in the dim room light. "Wright, whatever is the meaning of this?"

"You know what that badge means, Edgeworth. It means the wearer swears to believe in people, right up until the bitter end. I'm giving this to you because I'm actually in the position to need to take you up on your offer to help in any way you could."

Miles stared incredulously at the other man. Surely, he was misunderstanding him. Phoenix Wright couldn't seriously be asking him to –

"Yes, Edgeworth." The psychic lawyer appeared to be reading his mind as usual, even without the psycho-lock reader in possession. "I'm asking you to defend Iris."


[Phoenix]
*on his hospital sickbed*
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


[Phoenix]

I can't lose this fight, though I screwed up tonight
Since I wiped out, please help, my friend
I didn't drown and although I'll rebound
Need to solve this case that is so complex


[Phoenix]

Promise you'll try to help out till I'm back up
Somebody has to step up until I'm strong


[Phoenix]

Please back me up, take it on the chin
There are rules to bend but you're my best friend
Suspend disbelief, won't you try defending
Be the good guy although you may fail
Please back me up, take it on the chin
There are rules to bend but you're my best friend
Suspend disbelief, won't you try defending
Be the good guy although you may fail


[Phoenix]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


"Wright, I…" Miles was speechless. What he was being asked to do could end with serious legal repercussions for them both. His friend's fever obviously had affected his ability to think straight. The man looked like he could barely remain conscious as they spoke.

"Please, Miles." Phoenix's expression was a mixture of earnestness…and some sort of pain. And not just the physical kind.

Miles could tell his friend was suffering in silence about something pertaining to this mysterious Iris woman, despite his feelings for Maya. It was both bewildering and intriguing.

"Alright," Miles nodded. "I'll do as you ask, Wright. But I really must get going now. Take care."

"Thank you. You're the best, Edgeworth," Phoenix said drowsily, closing his eyes and falling back onto his pillow.


Miles grunted to himself as he pinned on the still foreign to the fingers sunflower badge in the courtroom lobby, all the while trying to psyche himself up for his grand debut as a defense attorney.

He was still shaking his head at the unexpected turn of events. He couldn't believe that he, a prosecutor whose job it was to doubt people and expose the truth, had agreed to defend someone. While it could be interesting to stand on the opposite side of the courtroom and experience what it was like to be a defense attorney – his late father Gregory had been an incredible one – it was still the most insane, impractical and overall reckless thing he'd ever contemplated doing; even more so than getting on that plane! Miles couldn't believe that he, the so-called former Demon Prosecutor, could ultimately be such a soft touch!


[Miles]

Look I've succumbed, cuz push had come to shove
Now is the time to bluff, heave bated breath
Keep my guard up, pray that this guise will last
Boy dreams surpassed if I do my best


[Miles]

I'll back Wright up, take it on the chin
There were rules to bend but he's my best friend
Suspend disbelief, I'm gonna try defending
Be the good guy although I may fail
I'll back Wright up, take it on the chin
There were rules to bend but he's my best friend
Suspend disbelief, I'm gonna try defending
Be the good guy although I may fail


[Miles]

I'm taking risks leaving chance to fate
I'll pursue truth every step of the way
It's up to fate


[Miles]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Try Defending


It was the use of his first name that had sold it. Phoenix Wright never called him Miles, proof that he was entirely stirred out of the norm. The defense attorney truly was at the end of his tether if he had been resorted to asking this monumental of a favor. Above all, the man was his childhood friend. Moreover, aside from Franziska, he was possibly his best friend. It was impossible for Miles to deny such an obviously desperate, heartfelt request.

Jeez, two groundbreaking revelations in one day. I concede to being a defense attorney,  and the fact that  Phoenix Wright is my best friend? How the hell  did I allow that to happen?!

Chapter Text

 

"No-Good Plight"
Sung to the tune of "Drives Us Bats"
from the animated series 
Batman: The Brave and the Bold


 

It was a sunny summer afternoon and instead of being cooped up in their cells, the prisoners of Central Prison were allowed to enjoy it as they were herded out into the courtyard by several guards. Though on this day, instead of the courtyard being a wide-open environment in which there was more than enough space to move around in, the prisoners felt quite cramped due to a large wooden stage that was covered with an absurd amount of blinking neon lights taking up most of the area, atop which Warden Fred Leeman watched with a grin as his wards gathered before him and loudly grumbled about how there was nowhere to stand. But after some moving around, the prisoners went quiet as Fred began to speak.

"Good afternoon, prisoners, and welcome to the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza! As you know, we're holding this competition in order for you all to get to better know your fellow prisoners, thereby promoting harmony and goodwill, while also allowing newer inmates to feel more comfortable here. Anyways, our first contestant was originally going to be Lance Amano, but after getting a call from the prison physician notifying me that Kristoph Gavin is indeed a male, much to my surprise, I feel that it's only fair that I let him start off the show. So everyone, give a big round of applause to Mr. Kristoph Gavin!"

At that moment, the crowd of prisoners started clapping as Kristoph walked from the side of the stage, taking the warden's place in front of the microphone.

"Thank-"

"W-Wait a minute!" Lance objected as he rushed over to the warden and his fellow prisoner, clutching a piccolo in his fist as he glared at the two men. "You can't just change up the order like that!"

"Oh, but I can and just did, Mr. Amano." Fred responded with his usual jovial tone, albeit with a tiny hint of ire in his voice. "Now please, step aside, be quiet, and let Mr. Gavin perform."

"But it's not fair!" Lance pouted with a stomp of his foot. "I took the time to make sure that I filled out the first spot on the signup sheet! Not to mention, I practiced really, really hard in order to ensure that I started things off with a bang!"

"Well, Mr. Amano, Mr. Gavin could say the same thing when I made the mistake of moving him to the female section of the prison and making him perform in 'Central Prison Waltz' with those women… and Mr. Atishon." Fred calmly retorted.

"Vote for Paul Atishon!" Paul shouted out from the crowd."

"Thank you for that, Mr. Atishon." The warden responded with a chuckle before regaining his composure with a sigh. "So anyways, Mr. Amano, if you continue to make things more difficult for Mr. Gavin, then things may get more difficult for you later this evening if you catch my drift…" Fred stated, his tone becoming much more sinister despite the grin on his face. "So are we going to have any further issues, Mr. Amano?"

In response, Lance simply nodded, his posture hunched over as he took a few quick steps over to the side of the stage.

"Good!" Fred chirped with a clap of his hands. "So without further ado, it's all yours, Mr. Gavin!" The warden stated as he walked over to the side of the stage where Lance was standing.

"Thank you, Mr. Leemann. My performance will be a musical number that I personally wrote in dedication of Phoenix Wright, an idealistic, idiotic, scheming menace to society who I believe we all can agree is nothing but a no-good plight! Hit it!" Kristoph snarled with a snap of his fingers, causing a jazzy song to start playing from a pair of speakers located on either side of the stage.


{Kristoph}

He's never seen without help,

Often a young, bubbly girl!

He spouts nothing but self-righteous clichés,

That make me want to hurl!

His magatama brings only blight,

It hardly makes for a fair fight!

That's why we're all in this prison,

Because he's a no-good plight!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!

He's a plight!

He truly is a plight,

Plight,

Plight!

He is our pliiight!


{Kristoph}

Whether he's pressing all statements,

Or using some outlandish bluff,

He always comes out on top,

And we're left in handcuffs!

He looks and acts like a slooob,

His strategies are triiite!

That's why we're all in this prison,

Because he's a no-good plight!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!


{Kristoph}

The Turnabout Terror!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!


{Tigre}

Always gettin' in da way!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He truly is a plight,

Plight,

Plight!

He is our pliiight!


{Yogi}

Even without a parrot on the stand…


{Nichody}

He proves to be a pest.


{Means}

Other lawyers always aaask…


{Daryan}

Why do girls grin at him with delight?


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He is our pliiight,

He's a pliiight,

He's a plight!


Upon finishing his song, Kristoph was met with a roaring round of applaud from the other prisoners as Fred took his place at the microphone.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that we have a winner! Everyone, give it up for our first-ever Central Prison Talent Extravaganza champion, Kristoph Gavin! Yaaaay!" Fred jovially exclaimed with a toothy grin as he took out a blue ribbon and pinned it to the ex-defense attorney's lapel as the egotistical sociopath puffed out his chest in pride.

"B-But I didn't get to play my song!" Lance angrily protested, squeezing his piccolo in his right hand as he glared daggers at the warden. However, the spoiled man's pleas were completely ignored by the other prisoners, as well as the warden, as they continued to cheer for Kristoph.

"Well, with that taken care of, this concludes the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza. So, let's head on back inside the prison in a nice, orderly fashion so you all can continue to walk down the path to redemption. And remember, prisoners, I believe in you!" Fred chirped with a wave as several guards proceeded to herd the prisoners back into the building before going back in himself, leaving Lance on the stage, crying and alone as he played a sad little song on his piccolo.

Chapter Text

JP: Happy 2-Year Anniversary to Singing In The Courtroom! Thanks to all you amazing readers for all your love and support and making the years literally fly by! You're Debeste!❤

Poor Doug Swallows recently returned from his trip to the University Campus Free Clinic only to discover that as a result of his doomed shagging with the minge of a certain Satanic Succubus, he's now got fiery tallywacker syndrome! Ergo, he feels it privy to meet up with a certain Weenie in a pink sweater to give him a warning that his perfect Dollie not only poops, but she is literally… la grande merde!

I guess this is further proof Nick is unbreakable… my headcanon about his brief one-time dipping of his Penix Wright into her Devil's Ditch in the woods behind Ivy University the one time they met (to seal the necklace deal) still managed to leave him unscathed, despite, to quote my hysterical partner CT, Dollie's no-no canyon being dirtier than Larry's mind in Gumshoe's apartment!😆

P.S. I used the lyrics song version – about 4:15 minutes long. bit. l y/ 2TGh4hJ

P. P.S. This is dedicated as a birthday gift to a Pisces baby who had a recent birthday, my friend and Dahlstoph collab writer, StupidGenious Happy Birthday, Lyn! 😊


"The Girl Is A Tart
Sung to the tune of
"True To Your Heart"
by 98 Degrees & Stevie Wonder
from Disney's 
Mulan
Soundtrack


"What do you want, Doug?" Feenie asked warily, barely stifling a sniffle as he popped another Coldkiller X into his mouth. "I can't imagine what was so urgent that you'd want to meet with me on campus today, considering I don't know you from Adam…"

The redhaired boy eyed the spiky-haired gamin solemnly.

"You're dating a thief, you know."

"You mean because she's stolen my heart?" The art student asked dreamily, not noticing the other boy's eyes rolling so hard, Doug could have probably seen down his back. "Then I guess she's guilty as charged!"

"Noooo, you daft twit!" The pharmacology major facepalmed. "I mean literally, a thief! Eight months ago, the poison was stolen from the pharmacology labs, and the previous day, the same event occurred again! I'm positive Dahlia is the culprit. That girl is bad news. She's been lying low since we split, but I heard through the grapevine that you had been dating her the last eight months, and so I reckoned you had a right to know that your girl is nowhere near as innocent as she seems."

"Of all the nerve!" Feenie snapped indignantly. "Where do you get off talking about my Dollie like that?!"

"I'm your girlfriend's ex, not that I imagine she told you a thing about me," he returned coolly. "And trust me, stealing poisonous chemicals isn't the only wrongdoing she's committed! Listen up, boy…"


[Doug Swallow]

Dollie she's not all that, mate! Why just can't you see?
Truth here is my goal boy, now listen to me!
That soul ain't pure
It's all black inside
Poisonous touch
She'll take you for a ride!


Buddy don't trust that girl she spouts fibs all the time!
Her looks are a lie, she wears white but she's not benign
There's a dark side there
Which you don't know
Be real afraid
Need to dump that ho!


[Chorus]
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!
(She gave me Herpes! Now it burns when I go pee!)


[Feenie]

Shut that foul trap, you stuck-up British wannabe!
A loving, trusting man is all you'll find with me
Walk away now, or we will fight!
Jealous upstart! Get the hell away from my sight!


[Chorus]

The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


[ Feenie ]

(It's all untrue)
Don't know her like I do
(We don't just screw!)
We make love not roll in the hay
(It's all untrue)
I see right through you!
(It can't be true, my Dollie's no tart)


[Doug Swallow]

I'm so sorry that it seems like I've gone too far
Tried to spare you She-Devil's claws and future scars
But you're too far whipped
Tossed your brains aside
You'll be a mess
Once she's done with her use of you


[Chorus]

The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!


Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


[Doug Swallow]

I know this all seems crazy
For such a naïve heart
I've been where you are buddy
Believe me she's a tart!


The facts are ugly but true
It's tearing you apart
I've been where you are buddy
Believe me she's a tart!


(It's all true she's a tart!)
(It's all true she's a tart!)

(It's all true she's a tart!)


"I'm not going to listen to another word of this vindictive slander!" Feenie shouted, nearly in tears from enduring such heinous defamation, (both in verse and now song!) about his precious Dollie. "Don't talk about my Dollie like that!"

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, mates, but it's all of it true!" Doug insisted vehemently. "That girl is bad news – in every way! I've tested positive for Herpes and am now awaiting the results on seeing if I test positive for Hep B and C…if you don't want your John Thomas to fall off, you'd be wise to stay away from that slag!"

"How dare you?!" The pink-sweater wearing college student bellowed. "You shut your damn mouth!"

In a crazy moment of uncharacteristic rage, the pacifist young man shoved the Anglophile as hard as he could in the chest, sending Dahlia's ex hurtling to the ground.

There was a loud, snapping sound as the slender boy fell atop his umbrella as he landed, but the art student was too incensed to give it a second thought. Spinning on his heel, Feenie stormed off, still fuming to himself.

He never looked back once at the victim.

If only he'd turned around – even once – then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

But he didn't.

Thence, that one brash action of fighting for the honor of the girl he loved would be something that would come back to haunt the future Ace Attorney for the rest of his days…


CT: Another year, another Pokémon parody involving a prosecutor. This year, everyone's favorite sports-obsessed prosecutor/ smuggling ring mole who deals out deadly shots both on the basketball court and in Edgeworth's office gets his time in the spotlight as we make our way to the Johto Region.

Though speaking of which, one of the reasons why I made Jacques the star of this parody is because he always reminds me of Johto. I don't know why, but I can just picture Jacques walking around Goldenrod City with his Bayleef that he nicknamed "Jim" before doing what he did to the real Jim to Whitney's Miltank.

I would like to give a big shout out to all our readers, both new and old, who have supported us over the last two years. You guys are the reason why we make these parodies and have so much fun in the process!


" Prosecutor Jacques"
Sung to the tune of the Season 3
Extended theme version

" Pokémon Anime - Pokémon Johto"


Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


Everyone wants to be the champion,

Everyone wants to bring home the gold,

Everyone works for some kind of reason,

And knows they just can't fold!

That's why,

I try,

To win each case before it begins!

Each guilty,

I get,

Scores me points with my kingpin!


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


Everyone wants to score the winning point,

Everyone wants to hear the crowd's cheers,

To beat your foe to the top of the hill,

And learn to live life without fear!

My skills,

So hot,

They're why my group can run around free!

Take your,

Best shot,

Because you will never beat me!


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


That's the kind of world I live in…!

(Live in, live in, live in...!)

That's the way I play the game…!

(The game, the game, the game...!)

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude…!

(Attitude, attitude, attitude...!)

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Oh, yeah!)


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!


Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Oh, yeah!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(C'mon, Jim!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Let's shake!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Seal the deal!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

PROSECUTOR JACQUES!


 

Chapter Text

"Burgers!"
Sung to the tune of "Brains"
From The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy


"I got here from Kurain as fast as I could, Mystic Maya!"

Pearl was still slightly breathless from her hurried jaunt from the train station as the tightlipped Maya ushered the child into the spirit medium's bedroom, concern marring her doll-like features as she watched her cousin slam the door closed behind them in dramatic fashion, shooting a can't miss a scowl over her shoulder, which was clearly directed towards the spiky-haired man she lived with in the upstairs flat situated above the Wright and & Co. Law offices.

"You seem angry," the girl observed timidly. "I hope you're not mad at me for not getting here sooner when you called and said you needed my help with an emergency! I would've run down from the village, which would have been faster than waiting for the earliest train coming down to LA, but you and Mr. Nick insisted that I never do that again after the last time…"

"Of course, I'm not mad at you, Pearly!" Maya's cloudy expression immediately vanished and she clasped her hands in front of her chest, flashing her cousin her cheery trademarked grin. "In fact, considering you were in the middle of training, I'm thrilled you made it down as quickly as you did! It's good to know that I can always count on you because that's what family –never mind – that's what true friends, are for! Dependability!"

Her voice rose a few octaves as her face contorted into a petulant moue.

"…. Unlike some people I know, who shall remain nameless!"

Clearly the emphasized words in the last sentence had been directed at the defense attorney who was at the law offices downstairs. It was uncertain whether Phoenix had heard her or not, although if he had, he was clearly ignoring his assistant because there was no response hollered back.

The young girl anxiously bit her thumb, wondering what the Ace Attorney had dared do to upset her beloved cousin.

"Um…Did you and Mr. Nick into a fight?"

"You bet we did!" Maya grimaced and huffily crossed her arms over her chest. "He's nothing but a big jerk face!"

"Oh no! What happened?" Immediately the distressed moppet was already rolling up her sleeves in evident preparation of the patented Fey slaps of fury upon the unsuspecting counselor. "Special Someones aren't supposed to fight! What did he do?"

"Nick cut off my burger allowance!" Self-pitying tears welled up in the psychic's eyes. "He was going over the finance books and when he saw me going through his wallet for my daily lunchtime stipend, he shouted 'Hold It!' all courtroom style, and proclaimed that feeding me was the equivalent of feeding 10 people, and he just couldn't do it anymore! Something about needing to pay his bills and increasing rent and utility expenses and boring stuff like that… I honestly stopped listening after the big meanie told me that effective immediately, he could only afford to feed me one lousy burger a day!"

The pint-size spirit medium, who lived on a Spartan vegetarian diet up in their remote family village and ate like a bird, could only blink in confusion at her kinswoman in riposte.

"Pearly don't you get it?" Maya wailed plaintively. "One meager burger per diem?! Have you forgotten that I have four stomachs! That would even fill half of them! Plus, you know I also have an extra stomach for dessert… The point is Nick refuses to budge on this! I even offered a few suggestions about how he could save money so he wouldn't need to be so needlessly cruel, but he refused to listen to any of my cost-saving suggestions!"

"How did you offer to save him money?"

Even though she asked the question, Pearl truly had no idea about how any of these adult-related things worked. However, what she did know was that Mystic Maya was upset and Mr. Nick had been the one to distress her! Therefore, she was going to give him a piece of her mind – and smack some sense into him, literally! This was no way to treat your Special Someone!

"I told him that we could save $0.50 apiece when I attempted to compromise and offered to just order plain hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers, and told him that a grilled chicken sandwich actually costs more than a burger! All he needs to do is learn how to cook and make them at home, so then he won't need to worry about buying himself lunch, too! It was a perfect solution – which he immediately vetoed, nonetheless!"

Maya puffed out her cheeks in vexation.

"Nick wouldn't listen to my reasoning that with the money he'd save from him not eating out, there would be more available funds to properly feed his deserving hard-working assistant! But noooooo! Scrooge claimed that most of his clients don't pay him and that working pro bono so much is finally starting to cause a negative impact to his wallet! It's so unfair! He also ignored my logic about how he could easily save a small fortune in toilet bowl cleaner if he could just get over his neurotic, OCD need to scrub that the porcelain throne about a dozen times a day!"

"Mystic Maya I'm really sorry to hear about all of this, but I'm just not understanding why you called me?"

"Behold this map of the city!" Maya whipped out the large folded chart from her dresser drawer, which already had red circles around all the McDonald's, and surrounding hamburger places within a 10-mile radius of the office, as well as black X's marked on their surrounding side streets and alleys which she coyly explained would be 'exit routes.'

"Exit routes?" The perplexed Pearl echoed blankly. "I'm sorry, but I'm still so confused! What is it that you need me to do exactly?"

"Isn't it obvious, Small Fry?" The mischievous necromancer flashed a devilish smile. "I've been casing the joints and charting out the hotspots for you to hit up, my future Hamburglar!"

"H – Hamburglar?!" Pearl clapped an aghast hand to her mouth; positive she had misinterpreted the words, as well as the maniacal, feverish gleam in her cousin's eyes. "You want me to steal burgers for you?!"

"Obviously! If I can't rely on you, as my only remaining family, to save me from starvation, then who else can I ask? Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all!" Maya declared, blithely, then leaned forward eagerly as she tapped at the charted fast food restaurant closest to her residence. "It'll be easier than you think! Just listen to my plan…"


[Maya]

You gotta help me, Pearly
I'm gonna cry!
It's all Nick's fault
He's the reason why!
He used to be such a generous guy
But now he's skimpin' on the burgers and holdin' my side of fries!


I don't know how I've fallen from grace
But his heart's turned cold and there's a rock in its place!
He says feeding my stomachs leaves his bank account drained
So now I'm starving 'cause of…
That miser's disdain!


Run down to the burger place
Without food, I'll vanish without a trace!
A single burger a day's all Nick will buy me!
That's not enough, Pearly
That's just mean and crazy!


Run down to the Micky D's
Grab me a few dozen burgers with cheese!
You probably won't need any money
If you ask nicely enough you might get 'em for free!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


I know that it's asking a lot
Since my cravings could get you scolded and caught!
With that cute face, you'd get off scot-free
But if got busted it'd be prison for me!


First try begging and saying pwease
Bat those doe eyes, it'll be a breeze!
But if they say no and won't give 'em for free
Don't be afraid to snatch 'em for li'l ol' me!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


Burgers! Burgers! I love 'em, I need 'em!
My tummies jump for joy when I eat 'em!
Tasty grease dripping off the bun…
They're just all so yummers, especially the small ones!
Try a bite, kid, you can't stop at just one!


For all your cravings, a burger's gonna fix it
Gotta be beef, the vegan ones are bull spit!
I'm a slave to the flavor, I admit it!
Damn Nick! He's such a freakin' skinflint!
(OHHHHHH…!)


Stealth means silence, so no sound
I'll be starving 'til you come back around!
It's our little secret- nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
If things go wrong it's NICK'S fault dontcha think?


Help me, Pearly, I'm a wreck!
If you end on the lam, we'll just flee to Quebec!
They eat their fries with gravy and cheese
So break the law for me just this once, please!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
BRING ME BURGERS!
Tee-hee!


"Jumping seats and plenty riding sideways on a candy pink Fatboy Harley, Maya, have I ever got some great news!" Phoenix announced suddenly, bursting into the bedroom without preamble and beaming from ear to ear. "I just got a call from Sal Manella – remember that soggy hog from Global Studios who claims you inspired him to make the Pink Princess?"

The startled Maya nodded warily.

"How could I forget? I still have the occasional nightmare about the lecherous Otaku and his ever-roaming gaze, which had always made me feel like I needed a shower afterward!"

"Well get a load of this! Apparently, some guy named Shea V. Yerbush has become the new head producer since Dee Vasquez's departure. They wanted to thank me for getting Matt Engarde declared guilty last month! Long story short, they said my actions of bringing that Judas to justice spared them horrible media publicity and the stigma of having a potential murderer on their payroll – not to mention the cost of paying Mr. 'Refreshing Like A Spring Breeze's' salary!"

The defense attorney put his hands on his hips, a triumphant smile on his lips as he addressed his dumbstruck employee.

"Consequently, for having saved Global monetary squandering, as well as more future scandal and burden down the line… They're going to pay me all my legal fees for taking on Engarde's case! Plus, a little something extra!"

"Mr. Nick, that's wonderful news!" Pearl cheered, clapping her hands. "Congratulations!"

"This is fantastic news!" Maya agreed happily, rushing over to give the attorney a big hug. "But um… Important question! What's the catch?"

"Keeping my mouth shut," Phoenix replied with a wry smile. "The sole condition was my unconditional, cooperative silence. Like, if I'm ever approached by any of the media who would try to link a connection to my previous case with the studio, or with Global Studios in any way, I am to deny any and all involvement of either entirely. Basically, it's not so much legal fee payment as much as its hush money… But either way, they're couriering a big, fat check over to the office tomorrow! Guess this means we don't need to cut back on our food budget after all!"

The blue attorney halted abruptly and finally pried himself away from Maya's smothering embrace to finally take stock of the small child, who had been hidden from his vision until then, and his jaw dropped to his chest.

"Pearls… Why are you dressed all in black, like some sort of cat burglar?!"

He swung his incredulous gaze from the guilty-looking child in her oversized garb and narrowed suspicious eyes at the equally guilty-looking diviner.

"And Maya… Why does your cousin have a raccoon bandit mask tied around her head – with eyeholes cut into it! – made out of my dress socks?!"

Chapter Text

" Putrando"
Sung to the tune of "Sloprano (The Great Mighty Poo)"
From the N64 game
Conker's Bad Fur Day


"Court is now in session for the trial of Trucy Wright." The Judge announced for the court to hear.

"The defense is ready, Your Honor." Apollo confidently stated as the opposing prosecutor, Nahyuta Sahdmadhi, a Khura'inese monk who was also his foster brother, just stood behind the prosecutor's bench perfectly silent and motionless, his eyes closed as he held his right hand up and forming an 'O' with his index finger and thumb.

"And the prosecution?" The Judge asked as he directed his attention to Nahyuta, who continued to remain silent as he maintained his meditative pose. "Um, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi…?" The oblivious magistrate asked once again with wide eyes, resulting in an opera song beginning to play from an unknown source as the monk started to sing.


{Nahyuta}

Puuuuutrid…

I am Nahyuta Sahdmadhi,

And I will make you hate and despise me.

Ms. Wright's guilt is the truth,

So I must smite this putrid youth!

For I am the Holy Mother's voice!


Later in the trial, through the use of the fingerprint data, Apollo was on the attack by claiming that not only was the victim, Manov Mistree, killed by a third party, but he was murdered inside the coffin during the magic show.

"In other words, what if the victim was already dead in the coffin from the get-go?!" Apollo confidently asked with his best finger point.

"Oh, I see! In that case, the defendant's sword wouldn't have been the cause of death. How do you respond, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi?" The Judge asked as he looked over to the monk, who decided to sing his response as the opera music started to play again, only this time slightly faster.


{Nahyuta}

Do you really think you can win this trial?

Righteousness is with me, you putrid dolt!

Spiritual powers are based on others' revile,

How else would I keep my scarf afloat?


"Hyah!" Nahyuta yelled before throwing his rosary at Apollo, which proceeded to wrap itself tightly around his massive forehead.

"Wh-What the heck is this?" Apollo exclaimed, his eyes wide with terror as he struggled in vain to remove the beads.

"Satora imaoman domosamashi detashinuke taregasayo sonoka!" The monk shouted after performing a series of hand gestures that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Naruto, resulting in the rosary tightening around Apollo's skull and causing him to scream out in pain.

Despite numerous trials and tribulations, with things getting so bad for the defense that the Judge was in the middle of declaring Trucy guilty and was only stopped thanks to Apollo interrupting him and turning the case around with some quick thinking, after so much effort, the truth was finally coming to light. Apollo not only managed to prove that the sword that was used to kill the victim wasn't the same one that Trucy stabbed into the coffin thanks to a slight of hand that she perform that allowed her to swap out the metal sword for a much more harmless rubber one, but that the victim wasn't the real Mr. Reus, but rather an imitation act who was killed by the real Mr. Reus, Roger Retinz.

Being both a sleazy television producer and a man who was trained under the tutelage of Magnifi Gramarye, the King of Jerks, Roger put up quite the fight and was able to worm his way out of Apollo's accusations. However, like with many corrupt criminals in the past, Mr. Reus was eventually cornered thanks to a flash of inspiration in that the reason why the victim's finger prints were backwards in the coffin was because Retinz hadn't anticipated the error that happened during the show.

"A person who was in the magic show… would never have made the mistake of putting the blood on the wrong side. Least of all Ms. Wright, who surely would've remembered she was on the other side." Apollo smirked.

"Oh, my! You're absolutely right!" The Judge exclaimed with a look of shock on his face.

"Nnnnnnngh…" Nahyuta growled as he pulled on his rosary and glared daggers at the horn-haired attorney. "Why, you impudent…"

"I'm sure you've already realized it by now, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi… that your claim that Ms. Wright is the culprit just doesn't hold up." Apollo stated with a confident look.

Though after the vertically-challenged attorney said this, the opera music began to play even faster than the last time.


{Nahyuta}

Now you've incited my holy rage,

You're like a putrid, sinful, wretched, noxious smell!

Once the defendant's guilt has been gaged,

Her Holiness will damn you both straight to Hell!


{Apollo}

To Hell?


{Nahyuta}

To Hell!


{Apollo}

To Hell!?


{Nahyuta}

That's right!

To Hell!


{Apollo}

No!


{Nahyuta}

To Hell!


{Apollo}

You're insane!


{Nahyuta}

To Heeell!


"Objection! Really? Ms. Wright and I? Because I'd think you're the one with a ticket there for trying to convict an innocent girl." Apollo smugly retorted, prompting Nahyuta to belt out one final verse as he pulled at his rosary.


{Nahyuta}

Putriiiiid!

Putriiiiiid!

Putriiiiiiid!

Putriiiiiiiid!

PUTRIIIIIIIIIIIIID!


Eventually, the rosary couldn't handle the tension any further and snapped, causing the beads to hit the monk in the face in a rapid-fire fashion, resulting in him being launched slightly in the air and landing on the floor behind the prosecutor's bench back-first.

Apollo smirked.

"Now that's what I call divine judgement!"

Chapter Text

"Señorita… Fey Kitten"
sung to the tune of  "Marian The Librarian"
from the 1962 movie 
The Music Man

 

After moiling over the case files of their upcoming trial in two days for the tenth hour, a certain java loving defense attorney was ready to call it a night. But not until he took full advantage that he and his comely colleague were alone together at the Grossberg Law Offices, at last.

"It's Cupid's Day, madam attorney." Diego Armando drained the last of his umpteenth cup of joe and languidly stretched his arms over his head. "What say we call it a night and grab a drink, celebrate the last few hours of the Hallmark Holiday? I need something stronger than caffeine right about now and I'm sure a good, stiff one wouldn't hurt you, either."

His can't-miss innuendo appeared to have gone completely over the buxom beauty's head – just like most of his ever-increasingly forward flirtations with her since she'd joined the firm late last year. The rookie lawyer just continued to keep her satiny caramel-colored head buried in the paperwork for the upcoming Terry Fawles trial, barely acknowledging the come-hither vibes of her ardent would-be suitor – as was tradition.

Usually, the recently reformed womanizing legal eagle didn't mind a gal who played hard to get. If anything, a challenge only further piqued his interest. But with Mia Fey, it was different. Diego had ruefully acknowledged some time ago that his interest in the buxom beauty went far beyond seeing her as a potential conquest. This was the real thing – she'd gotten into his heart and mind, not merely his blood.

Unfortunately, his skirt-chasing reputation and being such a hit with the mamacitas of LA seemed to be the one speedbump in his hot pursuit of this particular feisty female, who made it quite clear she had no desire to be another notch on his admittedly heavily marked bedpost, and thus, never took his interest in her seriously.

Tonight, though, he vowed, things would be different. The swarthy, silver-tongued Latino wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. Women loved the whole romantic notion of Valentine's Day – this one couldn't be that different! Sure, the gorgeous brunette might be more in possession of sensibility and brains than the other meaningless bimbos he'd bedded in the past, but she was still a member of the opposite sex! And if there was one thing Diego knew as well as he knew the law, it was women – women and what made them tick – both in and out of la cama!

And Mia Fey was definitely all woman.

As far as I know, todas las mujeres of the world enjoy being swept off their feet, don't they? And that's what I want to do with Mia – woo her and be with her – not just for one night but every night! I need to let her know that I want to wine and dine her – not just 69 her! Clearly, it's now prime time for the ultimate grand, romantic gesture that chick flicks are made of!

The hot-blooded Diego wasn't cocksure as much as he was confident about his appeal to the fairer sex, and when it came down to the laws of attraction, he knew this wasn't a one-sided case. Not by a long shot – he'd seen the way Mia devoured him with her eyes whenever she thought he wasn't looking! Ergo, he would have bet his costly Italian imported coffee-maker than the hotter than any cup of coffee level of mounting steam between them wasn't one-sided.

And tonight, he'd prove it!

He loped over to his co-worker's desk and braced his hands upon her desk so she was at eye-level with his tanned, toned forearms. They were fully exposed, with his red shirt-sleeves rolled back, as was the strong column of his neck and muscled chest, strategically unbuttoned at the top, for her viewing pleasure. His spicy aftershave seemed to have caught her attention even when his cocktail invitation apparently hadn't, because she wasn't even pretending to read the papers in her hand anymore.

In fact, she seemed to be breathing rather unsteadily with him being in such propinquity now.

Hiding back a knowing smirk as he felt her lovely amber orbs peering up at him through her thick lashes, Diego treated the buxom beauty to his customary roguish grin.

"I thought I'd come a little closer in case you hadn't heard me the first time… kitten." His words were smoother than silk. "Let's bid adios to all this paperwork for the Terry Fawles trial and grab a drink at that great live jazz bar a few blocks down?"

Mia fought back a shiver as she felt his warm exhalation on her face and tried to maintain the façade of detached aloofness she'd perfected ever since she'd first laid eyes on the Mr. Tall, Dark and Hunky. How was it that this Casanova could not only have a smile so unnervingly sexy that it could be the eight sin, but the ability to chug down café noir like it was going out of style yet mysteriously never have dragon-coffee breath like everybody else?!

Sweet nipples of Lucifer, the blasted man is too damn sexy for his own good! What's worse is I'm pretty sure he  knows  it!

"The trial is in two days, senpai," she reminded him coolly, rising from her seat, intending to excuse herself to go to the bathroom so she could splash some water on her now burning cheeks. "As it's my first ever time in the courtroom, and as my senior advisor, I would have thought you would have been applauding me for doing my due diligence, not attempting to distract me!"

"Being defensive is not a requirement for being a good defense attorney, Mia," he drawled, straightening up and striding purposefully behind her desk so that they now stood only a few feet apart, with no furniture barrier betwixt them. "It was merely an invite for a social cocktail, not a marriage proposal! I'm not trying to get loosen your inhibitions with liquor to make you loosen up your buttons, so there's no need to be coy or feign being chaste. I'm simply asking you to be my Valentine and formally asking you out. Call it a date, if you will."

"A – A date?" She whispered shakily, licking her suddenly dry lips. "You want to go out? With me, I mean? On a date?"

"Yes, a date." A wicked grin. "Is that such a foreign concept to una mujer hermosa como tu? I imagine I can't be the first man to do so? You have been out on a date before, haven't you?"

"You've got some nerve, you arrogant, presumptuous… Coffee Aficionado!" Even as she feigned maidenly indignation at his outrageous words, Mia was sure her face matched his shirt by now, it was flaming so hard. "My romantic past or present is none of your business!"

"Either way, it wouldn't matter," he went on smoothly, as though she hadn't spoken. "Nothing in your past matters or makes any difference to me. It wouldn't change how I feel about you in the least. Nothing could."

The smoldering expression in those bedroom eyes was so explicitly sensual that it felt almost like he'd reached out and touched her. At this point, Mia was a hair's breadth away from professing that she was ready to start dropping her restrains – and possibly her panties – right then and there!

No alcohol required!

"What in the name of Beelzebub's Y-fronts are you talking about?" Her words were a ragged whisper, crossing her arms to keep her hands from fidgeting.

"Any other muchachos before me, of course! Clearly, they have left you suspicious and jaded! You were probably very young. Anyone can make a mistake. But the past is the past, and I only care about the here and now. And at the present, kitten, I can assure you, there's no point in trying to hide your attraction to me. It's as pointless as nipples on a breastplate."

"How you and that continental sized-ego ever fit through the office door eludes me!" Mia blushed furiously, hating herself for such a tell-tale betrayal of her emotions as she backed away from the swarthy Latino, only to find herself backed up against the wall. "But – and this is a bigger but than even Grossberg's actual corpulent, hemorrhoid riddled butt! – you and me… it's just too much of a gamble! We work together! It's not worth the risk! What if it doesn't work out?! Or what if our boss disapproves of mixing business and pleasure and fires us both? What if…"

Diego refused to be daunted. In fact, he seemed even more egged on by her rebuttal and only leaned in closer, planting his palm on the wall behind her head, his tender cadence a sharp contrast to the knowing grin on his mien.

"Alas, would ifs and buts be candy and nuts, you'd be a diabetic by now, mi amor."

The term of endearment, so unexpected yet seemingly sincere, had her knees turning into water even as she rasped out a weak protest.

"That's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

She was a terrible objector. Her teeth dug into her full lower lip and her gaze darted around the room landing everywhere but on him. She was trying so hard to keep her emotions from him – and failing miserably. Even if they hadn't been written all over her lovely face Diego could sense the tension in her.

Instead of wanting to shake the truth out of her, he found himself wanting to pull her into his arms and coax it out of her with gentle kisses. Even if she was right and professionally, getting involved was a bad idea, he was damn near beyond caring about job ethics where Mia Fey was concerned. Just looking at her even now, fully clothed and making every excuse in the book about why they shouldn't give in to their lust-fueled mutual temptation, he still wanted her. He was beginning to think they were simply going to have to deal with that desire sooner or later because it obviously wasn't going to go away.

"Is it really that outlandish, the idea of you and me?"

She trembled as his smoky voice stroked her like velvet. His thumb gently rubbed circles at the paper-thin flesh on the inside of her wrist. She felt faint from trying to fight her own emotions. Damn him anyway, what did he want to know? That she had been fighting her feelings for him since the day they'd met? That she had fallen in love with him because he was the sexiest, virile, brilliant, challenging, infuriating, wonderful man she'd ever known, but she didn't want to be a mere one-night stand? That she was so stressed out with this impromptu conversation about the feverish intensity between them that all she wanted to do was find a quiet place curl into a ball and cry?

"Do you always get so rattled when a man admits he desires you, Mia Fey?" He murmured, his lips only inches from hers. "Or am I the first one to admit that he doesn't just want you in his bed, but in his life For keeps?"

Mia blinked in amazement. What was this now? He wasn't just trying to get into her pants, like all the other turd burglars who hit on her? He actually wanted to be with her?!

"I see I've caught you off guard with my avowal. For the record, I'm full of surprises," Diego warned her with a wry, weary grin that made him look devilishly handsome. "Not all of them are unpleasant. No matter how you may feel about me, I swear to you I'll wait for as long as it takes, hoping and praying you'll change your mind."

A tentative smile played on her mouth at this newfound notion, but the surprise in her eyes was genuine, as was the warmth that blossomed in her heart.

"Well then, I may as well go for broke and wear my heart on my sleeve for you to do with as you wish, Señorita Fey Kitten…


[Diego]

Señorita… Fey Kitten…
I'll say this for all to hear, I'm no Shakespeare
Te quiero mucho…mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
Que Dios me ayude… I am filled with such desire
It so wildly in me burns within
I can no longer hide it from Señorita
Fey Kitten
I don't mean to leer, I'm helpless my dear… Te deseo mucho, mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
I'm on fire and the sparks between us have been lit
My passion for you is ferocious
Discuple you find it atrocious … Señorita
Fey Kitten


The suave Hispanic cradled her trembling fingers within his briefly, before allowing her to see the unveiled devotion on his face, as clear as day. Then, as he turned over her hand and placed a kiss upon her palm, the look of unhindered love within his dark gaze took her breath away.


[Diego]

If I sang this at twilight… would you believe it?
At magical twilight
Un amante would know su querida
Would believe in his heart she belongs
And that his love will be forever strong
Yet when I try my dear, to woo, I fear
Te quiero mucho…mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
You may well think that it's a sin
Is your heart a prize that I will never win?
I'm a helpless man that is so smitten con linda 
Fey Kitten


As he finished the song, Diego raised his head to gauge her reaction to his declaration. He felt his heart twist when he saw those beautiful eyes were swimming with tears and was uncertain if they were of joy – or confusion.

He cursed himself for complicating this already complicated situation. He had no business wanting Mia Fey in the first place. Que en nombre de Dios did he think he was doing, pushing her this way? Especially when he'd just sworn to himself that he wouldn't pressure her into anything, and would woo her slowly, gently, so that perhaps someday, she'd learn to love him even an iota as much as he loved her.

He would take whatever she would give him but his heart was hoping that would be a lifetime.

Gently, he brushed a crystal drop of moisture from the corner of her eye with his thumb.

"No tears," he whispered, his expression more tender than he would have believed possible. "The only time a lawyer can cry is when it's over. With all my heart, I hope that's not the case – that this is over before it's even begun."

He's right.

Mia's heart was aching with love for him as she traced her fingertips over the angular planes of his beautiful face. There would be time enough for tears later. Tears of triumph from when they won their first trial. Tears of anger from when they had their first fight. Tears of ecstasy when she finally gave in to this raging passion that was threatening to incinerate them both….

This Valentine's Day is too perfect for tears…

"Te deseo, Mia." His smoky cadence was like a caress to her already-aroused senses. "I want you and I need you. But I won't push you. It has to be your choice."

"You said you'd be here when I changed my mind," she said, at last, her gaze holding him captive. Her teeth grazed her lower lip, further betraying her nervousness. She swallowed and her breasts gave a little jump as she sucked in a breath. "I haven't changed my mind about anything – I've known for some time what I wanted. I've just finally made up my mind about it. It's you, Diego. I've always wanted you."

Diego held himself utterly still, as if afraid she would vanish if he moved. A heavy warmth surged through his body, settling in his groin.

"Are you sure?''

Mia nodded, her heart in her throat. He had to be the sexiest thing on two legs standing there, even in his legal business attire. The look he leveled at her from under his straight black brows was fiercely intense, searching for any hint of uncertainty in her.

Stepping away from the wall, she closed the distance between them. He felt the level of his desire for her rise with every step she took. He wanted her. More than he ever had wanted – and instinctively knew – ever would want – any woman in his whole life.

When she was standing no more than a caress away, he lifted a hand and tenderly brushed his knuckles against her cheek, giving her the courage to say the words.

"I'm sure."

Her gaze was downcast so he couldn't see that while she wasn't asking him for promises, she was praying for a miracle. Yes, he'd said he'd wanted her, needed her…but she was still the one speaking and putting those three little words out there first – and not just in song.

"I love you," she whispered shakily, raising limpid sienna orbs to meet his. "I love you, Diego Armando. For now, for always."

He tipped her chin up but before he could comment on what he saw in her gaze she added, "Moreover, I want you just as badly as you want me. For once in my life, I'd like to know what it's like to have a man want me… and love me."

It was the truth. Sex in the past with the few lovers she'd known in college had been empty and unsatisfying. None of them had ever set her on fire with a look or a touch. It was Diego who had awakened the latent sensuality in her. It was Diego who made her feel like a woman who made her yearn for a man's touch — for his touch.

Now he bent his head to hers, his gaze intense.

"Dios mio," he growled. "How could any man with blood in his veins look at you and not want you?"

Unable to stop himself, he lifted a hand and brushed back a stray curl from her cheek.

"Men have always wanted me," she whispered trying hard to ignore the warmth of his knuckles against her skin. "But I've always yearned more than just that."

"I don't even need to know who these cabróns were to know that none of them have loved you like I do." His mocha eyes glowed with uncontained passion, promise, and undying love. "Te amo, Mia Fey. Por siempre y para siempre."

Then his mouth settled against hers and she was enveloped by the warmth of a thousand suns, all at once, as he kissed her with barely restrained passion, groaning as she melted willingly against him.

It was an inner heat that blazed the moment he touched her. Mia let it sweep through her. She would no longer try to fight the feelings that engulfed her another moment. She'd been fighting them for too long. For this one kiss, logic and reality could shit on its hands and clap. She'd had enough reality to last her a lifetime. This was an escape to a wonderful paradise, where only she and Diego existed, and she wholeheartedly welcomed it.

His feverish lips trailed along her jaw to her throat as his fingers trailed down her supple back and lower, to the full curve of her buttocks. He lifted her leg over his hip, fitting her against the part of him that swelled and strained against the front of his trousers, letting her feel the unignorable evidence of just how much he wanted her.

Instinctively, her hands came up to steady herself. She wound her arms around Diego's neck as he parted her willing lips and deepened the kiss. Masterfully he explored her lips, tasting and claiming territory that had lain fallow for too long. Desire awakened inside her and came to life like a seed in the spring.

Lord have mercy, she'd never known a man's touch could incite her senses to riot. This was incredible. This was something she had never experienced.

He kissed her again, slowly deeply as if they had years for just this one kiss. With every fiber of her being, Mia wished they did. She wished they would have forever. Surely the love she'd stored up in her heart would last that long and then some…

Chapter Text

" I'm the Phantom"
Sung to the tune of "I'm the Bad Guy"
From 
Wander of Yonder

 

After the Phantom's arrest, Simon thought that he would be instantly assigned as the prosecutor for the case. After all, who better to prosecute the Phantom than the man who knew more than anyone else did when it came to the spy's methods? Who better to lead the case than the prosecutor with the psychological knowledge to go toe-to-toe with the Phantom's mind games? Who was more deserving to be the prosecutor to lock away this soulless husk of a human being than the man who was not only arrested for murder and put on death row because of that monster, but also was tortured nearly every day for a year thanks to that psycho spy killing and assuming the identity of the most annoying dolt to ever receive a police badge and then proceeding to stick to him like glue on the grounds of 'rehabilitation'?

However, life's rarely straightforward and goes as expected. Simon learned that lesson the hard way when he entered Metis' lab on that fateful day, only to find his beloved mentor dead and little Athena standing there with blood on her face, smiling and saying how she was 'fixing' her mother like something out of a horror film; he learned it once more when it was revealed that the bumbling detective who was only capable of raising his ire and blood pressure was the very spy he was trying to apprehend; and on this day, he was learning it a third time as he found himself walking to the detention center's visitor's room to see the Phantom- not as the prosecutor for the case, but rather to assist in questioning and to provide emotional support to the lead prosecutor, Sebastian Debeste.

"I can't believe that the Phantom's a girl, Mr. Blackquill." Sebastian said with unease in his voice, his gaze pointed towards the ground as he slowly walked forward, almost as if his body was on auto-pilot. "Not only that, but she's Chloe Ernst, my best friend from Themis!"

"Your best friend was someone who has caused me nothing but pain, misery, and irritation for seven years? I have to say, Deworste, that's the least surprising thing I learned about the Phantom yet." Simon wryly commented, only for his remark to go right over his naïve coworker's head.

"Why, when Mr. Edgeworth told me that the Phantom was Chloe, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, we all thought that Chloe was dead ever since she vanished without a trace on Halloween of 2016. But then Mr. Edgeworth showed me all the forensics tests that they ran on the Phantom, and sure enough, they matched Chloe's information to a tee- at least the information that they could gather. Apparently, Chloe burnt off her fingerprints several years ago."

"Do you blame her? Why, if I were your friend at any point in time, I'd have perfected the art of sky diving without a parachute." Simon chuckled.

"Is this just one big joke to you, Mr. Blackquill?" Sebastian asked in an uncharacteristically serious tone as he looked up at his fellow prosecutor with grief-filled eyes. "Do you find it amusing that my only friend during my time at Themis turned into some international spy who blew up a courtroom and sabotaged two space missions funny? Because it isn't. You don't understand how painful this is to me!"

"Don't understand?! DON'T UNDERSTAND!?" Simon roared as he flashed his coworker a death glare. "You listen to me, you little git! Your 'friend' snuffed out the life of my beloved mentor, forcing me to take the fall and spend seven long, agonizing years on death row so that the innocent girl who had her mother unjustly stolen away from her by your 'chum' wouldn't have the crime of matricide hanging over her head for the rest of her life! You want to talk about pain? Do you understand how it feels to cry yourself to sleep every night for seven years in a cold, dark jail cell because you know that with each passing day you're one step closer to being killed like an animal for a crime you didn't commit, the fear of your sacrifice being in vain while the real criminal runs free?! Do you know how it feels to finally have a chance to fight back and be part of the plan to have that criminal put away, only to later learn that the detective assigned to be your partner was the monster you were hunting down and was playing you like a fiddle!?"

"You suffered for seven years?" Sebastian scoffed. "Try 17. Ever since I could remember, my pops had made my life a living hell. Every morning, Pops would wake me up by hitting my crotch with some kind of blunt object; and every evening, he would tell me that I'd be doing the world a favor if I killed myself. Pops would barely feed me, not wanting his food to be wasted on an unwanted idiot, he would lock me in a closet whenever he couldn't hire some little kid to babysit me for mere cents or if he just felt like it, and he wouldn't even 'waste' money on buying me different clothes. Why do you think I only wear my old Themis uniform? It's all I know! Heck, do you know what my childhood bed was? It was some futon that Pops apparently killed a couple over and then proceeded to break with a bat and then give to me because he found it to be too soft. That's right! According to my pops, I was only worthy of his trash because that's what he saw ME as! And it wasn't just Pops! When I was at school, the other kids would hate me because they thought that I was stupid, my teachers hated me because they thought that I was annoying, and the janitors hated me because I always had… accidents because I had to potty train myself!

But then I met Chloe, a kind, caring girl who built up my self-esteem, not tear it down; who listened to me, not ignore me; and who treated me like a human being and not as some joke! Chloe believed in me and we would spend hours after school having deep conversations about our thoughts, hopes, and dreams- well, I would talk while she would use a speak-and-say or something of the sort. In fact, Chloe was the first girl to ask me out, but on our first and only date, I was too assertive and scared her off, never to see her again…" Sebastian let out a long sigh, tears that he had been trying his hardest to hold back during his tangent streaming down his redden cheeks that he proceeded to wipe away. "For the last 11 years, I had to live with the guilt that Chloe was dead because of me; that if I had only been a little smarter, or a little more enounced- er, nuanced, she would have stayed at that dance just little longer and would still be with us. And now I learn that Chloe's alive, only to find out that she's done so many bad things and has hurt you, a guy who a see as one of my best friends…"

"Heh…" Simon softly chuckled. "You know, you really aren't all that bright if you think that. So tell me, Deworste, why do you see me as one of your best friends despite all the times I insulted you, had Taka attack you, and used your pathetic tricycle to break my shackles?"

"Simple, Mr. Blackquill: because you need a friend." Sebastian stated matter-of-factly with a small grin. "You try to hide your pain behind your edgy tough guy persona, but deep-down, you're hurting and crying out for help. You created that image to convince the world that you were strong and capable, but more importantly, you did it to convince yourself. I was the same way when I was first starting out as a prosecutor…" A small tear trickled down the naïve prosecutor's cheek. "I-I acted like I was so cool, as if I was the best of the best and that everyone was beneath me in the hopes that I could finally win my Pop's love. But then I met Justine and Mr. Edgeworth, who taught me that if you have someone to guide you and be your friend, then you don't need to hide behind fake personas; that you can be yourself and that no matter what kind of bad stuff life's thrown at you, you can move past it and find peace."

"Well, well. It seems like you do have a brain somewhere in that head, Deworste." Simon remarked in mock amazement before turning his back to his coworker. "You know, when Edgeworth-dono chose you to prosecute this case instead of me, I couldn't grasp his logic- how he could pick someone like you over someone like me on the grounds of 'conflict of interest', but I think I finally understand his reasoning…"

"Yay! Mr. Blackquill's warming up to me!" Sebastian chirped.

"I said nothing of the sort- only that you aren't completely useless." Simon curtly responded. "Now let's go. We need to spend less time discussing our inner demons and more time questioning the Phantom."

"Right." Sebastian nodded as he and his coworker picked up their pace as they made their way to the visitor's area.

When Sebastian had first learned from Edgeworth that the Phantom was his old high-school friend, he was prepared for the worst. After all, if your hopes are as low as they can go, things can only get better. However, nothing could prepare the naïve prosecutor for what he saw when he entered the visitor's room with Simon.

Behind the bulletproof glass sat a woman of around five feet, five inches in height, though she looked a bit shorter on account of how she slightly hunched over with crossed arms as she vacantly stared out the window towards the back wall. Maybe she was formulating an escape plan, or perhaps she trying to come to terms with how her, a superspy who prided herself on her complete lack of emotions, was bested by a bluffing idealist who had just gotten his badge back, a wannabe therapist, and some small, loud, edgy child. But what thoughts were racing through Chloe's mind were the least of Sebastian's issues as he took note of her appearance.

While the naïve prosecutor had never seen Chloe without her mask, he was certain that she didn't look the way she did when last they saw each other all those years ago, and that said years were less than kind to her, to say the least. Chloe's skin was pale and chalky, almost as if she was a ghost who had never even heard of the sun, let alone see it, and was covered in scars and stitches, making her resemble something akin to Frankenstein's monster- something that was made all the more apparent thanks to the short-sleeve prison shirt that the police gave her on account of her not wearing anything other than her body suit doing nothing to hide her gaunt, twig-like arms. Like her arms, Chloe's frame was thin, with the only full feature being her breasts which were nearly entirely covered by her long, messy dirty-blonde hair cascading over her shoulders and down to her waist, her bangs partially obscuring her emerald-green eyes, with the right one being noticeably cracked at the top, not unlike a broken egg.

For a brief moment, an awkward silence filled the air as Simon and Chloe locked eyes with stoic, emotionless expressions as Sebastian stood off to the side as stiff as a soldier as he desperately tried to keep himself from crying. But then suddenly, the silence was broken- not by either of the prosecutors, but rather the convict herself.

"Prosecutor Blackquill…" Chloe mentioned in a monotone voice with a face to match. "When they told me that I would be visited by the prosecutor for my trial, I figured it would be you. After all, what kind of 'samurai' walks away without one final showdown with his archenemy...? Perhaps the same kind of 'samurai' who cried himself to sleep for seven years over his inability to save his mentor and never bothered to wipe his tears away like the little bitch that he is…" The Phantom emotionlessly tittered, internally savoring the scowl that was starting to form on the Twisted Samurai's face. "Or were you just feeling a bit homesick? Not that I'd blame you. After all, this was home-sweet-home for you for the last seven years after you so kindly took the fall for me after I taught Metis why smart people don't leave swords lying around."

"Save your breath, Phantom." Simon curtly stated as he turned his back to the spy. "You can try to get under my skin until you're blue in the face, but you'll never succeed, and do you know why…?" The Twisted Samurai turned around to smirk at his longtime enemy and brought Sebastian over to the window. "Because in a few days, this will be your permanent home after the prosecutor for this case reminds the court of your countless crimes."

"I-I-I…" Sebastian stammered, bending his baton as he continued to hold back the tears forming in his eyes.

"Well, if he's the prosecutor for this case, Blackquill, then maybe you wouldn't mind doing another sentence for me after I get released and tie up some loose ends with that Athena girl you care so much about." Chloe emotionlessly mused, not even flinching when Simon slammed his fist on the glass that was separating them.

"If by some slim chance you manage to weasel your way out of paying for your crimes, the day I allow you anywhere near Athena is the day I eat a hamburger while watching an English dub of a beloved anime!" Simon snarled.

"Don't worry, Blackquill. Even if your friend completely fails, there's still a chance he could pull through. After all, you've seen it first-hand with those Anything Agency lawyers. Who knows? Your little friend may squeeze out a victory thanks to the judge taking pity on him and those cute little Bambi eyes he's giving me now." Chloe said with a lifeless giggle and a hint of intrigue in her gaze as she directed her attention to the other prosecutor. "So, little guy, what's your name?"

"Y-You don't know my name?" Sebastian asked in a devastated tone.

"Correct." The Phantom nodded. "I may be an international spy who can become anyone, but that doesn't mean that I know everyone."

"B-But you do know me!" Sebastian whimpered.

"Trust me, kid. After spending a year working with Prosecutor Evan Draven here, I think I would remember seeing someone like you." Chloe joked in a deadpan tone as she gestured over to Simon, who's only response was to quickly shoot her a glare. "So once again, who are you."

Sebastian took a brief pause to wipe away his tears and straighten his posture. "I'm Prosecutor Sebastian Debeste."

"So?" Chloe shrugged with pure indifference.

"So?!" Sebastian exclaimed. "Don't you remember me, Chloe? It's me, Sebastian, your old best friend! We were freshmen in Themis together! We ate lunch every day! You helped me with my homework every day! You even helped get me down from the flagpole every other day after the football team would hoist me up to the top by my Underoos! You mean to tell me that you don't remember any of that?!"

"Like I said at Cykes' trial, I left my memories, personality, beliefs, emotions, and soul behind a long time ago. You see, when a person's tortured every day for nearly three years in almost complete isolation- their flesh peeled off, bones broken, and even being forced to eat one of their eyes after it's painfully removed from its socket with a melon baller- it shouldn't be all that surprising that when said person is finally freed from captivity by the police, they proceed to make the officers to find them… disappear to cover their tracks before running off and leaving their crappy life behind. Actually, scratch that. I can't say that I cast away all of my past…"

"Wha-What do you mean…?" Sebastian weakly asked as he cocked his head off to the side in confusion.

"Well, remember how I killed Fulbright in order to infiltrate the L.A.P.D. and stop Edgeworth and Blackquill's plan to bust me? Well, he wasn't my original target. That honor would belong to a certain science-loving detective working under none other than Klavier Gavin..." Chloe rolled her eye, the tiniest spark of rage flickering in her good pupil before quickly being extinguished by her icy stoicism. "After all, if I was going to go through the trouble of killing a detective and stealing their identity for the sake of revenge, I might as well have done it right by also getting revenge on one of my old bullies, someone who reminded me of all the pain I felt before I became the Phantom. And what better way to do so than by killing a girl that he's clearly head-over-heels for? But after doing some recon and discovering that the girl was as fed up with that pompous peacock as I was, I decided to cut her a brake and instead target the dumb oaf of a detective who felt that it was a good idea to walk the streets alone at night."

"So you do remember who you are, Chloe…?" Sebastian softly grinned, a glimmer of hope filling his eyes. "In that case, during your trial, just admit to your crimes! That way, you can receive the help you need, get over whatever bad things happened to you since the last time we saw each other, and you can go back to being Chloe Ernst, my best friend!"

"How many times do I have to say this? I put my past behind me a long time ago and am never going back." Chloe stated in the same monotone voice despite the angry undertone in her words. "I would rather walk up to that assassin who failed to shoot me during the trial, get down on my knees, put the barrel of their gun in my mouth, and guide their hand to the trigger before going back to being Chloe Ernst, the mascot who was kidnapped off of the streets for merely being herself.

"But-" Sebastian tried to argue, only to be immediately interrupted.

"Fine." The Phantom stated with the slightest hint of anger in her voice. "In that case, let me put this in a way you'll understand: in song."


{Chloe}

I'm not the girl who was your friend.

I'm not some oaf who you can just condescend.

I'm not the dorky mascot who'd dance to the school anthem.

No, I'm the Phantom.

All of the sins that I've committed:

Murders, bombings, and getting you, emo weeb, indicted,

And so many more that few could hope to fathom.

So who am I?


"Y-You're the Phantom, but-" Sebastian whimpered, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes, only to be interrupted by the girl who used to be his friend.


{Chloe}

Oh, it's so grand,

To see this sad land,

Fall into chaos.

Oh, it's a blast,

To learn people's pasts,

Which I use to completely destroy their lives.


{Blaise?}

Y'see, 'cause I'm the Phantom!


"How does she have a mask of Pops?! I thought that they took away all of her masks!" Sebastian replied in a flustered tone.

"How does Prosecutor Dandy's brother have a solitary cell that's nicer than most penthouses despite killing several people?" Simon angrily retorted as he glared daggers at the woman who ruined his life. "Our police force is completely inept when it comes to punishing criminals… with the unfortunate exception being when they confiscated my mangas!"


{Blaise?}

Y'see, the world's my playpen,


{Metis?}

I see someone,

I become them.

Care to theorize why?


{Chloe}

I've always had a penchant,

For acting and for vengeance.

I become your loved ones so I can break your soul.


{Blaise?}

Y'know, I find this quite amusing,


{Athena?}

That you're so blind to how this is a fight you're losing!

I'll just escape from here in the blink of an eye!

Why?

C'mon, guys! Guess!


{Sebastian and Simon}

'Cause you're… the Phantom…


"And that's why you're Debeste." Chloe deadpanned.