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Singing in the Courtroom

Chapter Text


"Phoenix's Lament"
Sung to the tune of
"Jack's Lament"
Disney's  The Nightmare Before Christmas

[It was eight in the evening as Phoenix sat behind his piano at the Borscht Bowl, vigorously rubbing the sleeves of his hoodie in an attempt to warm his hands which felt like blocks of petrified wood thanks to his crazy boss feeling that it would be a splendid idea to capture the feel of Mother Russia by making the place colder than a Siberian ice cream factory. And to make matters worse, no one was stepping up to challenge him to a game of poker, thereby forcing him to endure the bitter cold while keeping up his front that he had barely any skill at whatsoever. Still, even though the place felt less like a restaurant and more like a penguin reserve and the customers often tipped him to stop playing, the ex-attorney just toughed things out since his pool of potential jobs was all but plentiful thanks to his reputation as 'The Forging Attorney'.]

[So after puffing one last burst of warm air into his palms and rubbing them together, Phoenix gave one last sweeping look at the customers watching him before playing his own version of a Disney song that he was actually semi-decent at. Thank goodness for the many tutorial videos on the internet in regards to playing beloved Disney songs on the piano, or the customers would be even more irate.]

There are few who'll contest,

That I was one of the best,

A legal legend loved by one and all.

With the help of comebacks and bluffs in the courtroom,

I won many cases without a real plan.

Thanks to my quick wit and steadfast trust in my clients,

I've exposed fiends whose souls really stink.

With a proud "Objection!" and a finger point,

I have saved many innocents from the clink.

And after three years, it became a trend,

Where I'd find the truth behind every bend.

Yet I, Phoenix, the Comeback King,

Was stripped of my title with scorn that stings.

Oh somewhere in the depths of my soul,

A feeling has started to take form.

Foul play was involved,

Not in my control,

That someone's hate has done its toll.

I fought hard for the truth,

Acting just like a sleuth,

And I would love to do so again.

To a cold hag from Kurain,

I'm Mr. Goody-Pain,

And criminals saw me as their bane.

Since I was disbarred,

And have a kid to guard,

I have to take work wherever I can.

No man nor demon can emulate my skill,

When I screw up songs before they've begun.

But who among you can hope to grasp,

That the Comeback King with a pure heart of gold,

Would never be so cold?

Please believe that if I knew,

That fake evidence wouldn't have gone through.

Oh there's an urge growing in my heart,

To expose the one who tore my life apart.

This has nothing to do with my pride,

As I won't let a villain's crimes slide.

[After the song ended, the crowd actually applauded Phoenix, much to his surprise, and actually smiled when they gently placed their money in his tip jar, a stark contrast to the glares that they usually wore when they tossed the money in like they were throwing away toxic waste.]

[Once the crowd had died down, Kristoph, who was sitting at his usual table right next to the piano where he was enjoying his weekly Cosmo, got up to congratulate his 'friend'.]

["Well, color me impressed, Wright. Your playing was actually tolerable,"  Kristoph said with a warm grin before pushing up his glasses.  "Don't get me wrong, Wright. I like you as a friend and you're a great person to talk to, but your skills with the piano have for the longest time been much to be desired."]

["What can I say?" Phoenix nonchalantly remarked with a shrug of his shoulders. "I was bound to get better at my instrument of torture sooner or later on account of this being my new livelihood and all…" The card shark stated as he gave his friend his newly-infamous thousand-yard stare, prompting the Coolest Defense in the West to feel a pang of nervousness.]

["I know that it's been rough for you since you were disbarred, Wright. I really do,"  Kristoph stated in a reassuring voice as he gently put his hand on his 'friend's' shoulder.  "Granted, I still have my badge and use it to live my dreams every day, but I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't be able to go on if I ever lost it like you had. But still, please don't hold any malicious feelings towards Klavier. I know that he can be a bit… much, especially after living in the same house as him for most of my life, but he's a good man who was only doing his job."]

["Why would I have it out for your brother, Kristoph?"  Phoenix asked as he cocked his head out of confusion.  "Sure, he revealed that the diary page was forged, but I don't think that he was involved with it. I mean, if he was, then my friend Edgeworth, a.k.a. the Demon Prosecutor, would have brought that to light long ago."]

["Oh, good."  Kristoph said with a sigh of relief, his composure becoming slightly less tense.  "I was worried that you might try getting revenge on me or my family for what Klavier did to you after what you said in your song."]

["I think you've taken on one too many murder cases,"  Phoenix chuckled.  "When I was singing that song, I was over exaggerating for the sake of making things interesting. With how tired I am after working all day and making sure Trucy's taken care of, the only thing I can think of at the end of the day is getting some sleep. Though speaking of which, I better start playing another song before my boss comes out here and starts lecturing me."]

["Fair enough. Hopefully, this next one will be as good as the last,"  Kristoph chirped as he returned to his seat.]

["Ok, everyone, this next song goes out to all those people in the audience who have ever known a good time cowboy Casanova!"  Phoenix exclaimed, prompting Kristoph to nearly gag on the Cosmo that he was delicately sipping.]



JP: My turn! This is for  SilverDragon889  on A03. Sung by Maya after her 3 rd  bogus murder charge while Nick is visiting her in SOJ prison for allegedly killing the priest.

CT: Once again, JP outdid herself with this parody. But would you expect any less from the Fluffy Queen when writing a parody about the Burger Queen? Seriously, I can just picture Maya singing this parody while Nahyuta and Inga watch the surveillance footage with completely different reactions. The former would stare at the screen with a look of disgust while preaching about how those who sing musical numbers are doomed to 5,000 years in the Hell of Tone-deaf Singing; whereas the latter would be trembling in his chair, a look of terror forming in his eyes as he's reminded of the Great "Mamma Mia!" Tragedy of '09, which involved him, Ga'ran, every song sung in "Mamma Mia!" a paddle boat, and a stuffed lamb.

"Jailbird Queen"
Sung to the tune of Abba's
"Dancing Queen"
from the musical Mamma Mia!

You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!

Jail food sucks Nick, it really blows
Third time here so you'd think I'd know
Framed again for a murder
Found guilty, I will swing
Hanging here is the thing

Damn Melsa wants to see me fry
Good thing you're my Ace law guy
Not afraid of you losing
Defense will be divine
You'll fly by seat of pants
But losing ain't no chance

I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!

You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!

When case looks hopeless, you prove them wrong
You don't give up, somehow stay strong
One turnabout to another
It's what you always do
I know that you'll come through
Cuz I believe in youuuuu…

I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!

You can bluff
As you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!

[Maya winks at Phoenix]

Beware the Comeback King!