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Swallow (Your Pride)

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“Goddd,” he groaned as I pumped his cock in my hand. “Yes, yes… yes.” His breathy moans plastered a smirk across my lips. He was truly the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. “Please, please… (y/n), god… suck me off… with your p-pretty mouth,” he begged. My smile faded, and my hand slowed to a stop before I let go completely. I looked down at the bed sheets. “(Y/n)?”

I sat there ashamed of myself.

“(Y/n), darling…” He reached forward to lift my chin, but I pulled away sharply.

“I’m sorry.”

“Wha—”

“I don't—I don’t want to do this anymore.” My voice was hoarse. “I'm sorry.” I stood from the bed and rushed to pull on my sweater and leggings, completely ignoring my undergarments. I didn't look back at Tom’s reaction. I needed to leave. The air was too thick with my embarrassment to breathe. “I'm sorry.” I slipped into my flip flops at the door and walked out of the apartment. Tears rolled down my cheeks. “God, you—” a sharp inhale “—idiot! ” I scolded myself aloud as I sped down the sidewalk.

I should have known this would happen, but I just stupidly assumed that Tom would already know that I couldn't suck his dick. He can't read minds, dumbass. I cried and practically sprinted to the nearby park. Luckily, it was late, so I had a swing with my name on it.

“You fucked up, (y/n),” I told myself as I rocked back and forth on the squeaky swing. The nippy November air sent shivers down my spine. The tear trails on my cheeks froze against the wind. “He's going to leave me.”

As I sat there thinking about why I should have just told him outright that I couldn't blow him, I couldn't help but wonder what he would say. He would probably think I was just being absurd; nobody walks out of sex without an explanation. Well, maybe some people do, but he didn't deserve that. He hadn't done anything wrong.

I was way too tired to deal with this shit. It was my fault for not telling him outright. If me telling him I couldn’t do it didn’t fuck up our relationship, my abrupt exit definitely would.

“(Y/n).” I jumped at the sound of his ragged voice behind me. I turned around in my swing to see him standing in only sweatpants and sneakers, with a blanket in his hands.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Why did you leave?” he panted. “It’s the middle of November, for christ’s sake,” he mumbled, bundling me in his blanket. “What did I do?”

My heart broke.

“Nothing! I promise. It—I… It was me.”

“Why did you run out like that?” he asked again.

“I don't know.” Liar.

“I was worried. I thought I hurt you.”

“No, it's not you, I swear.” I expected him to reply, but he didn't. I just swung there lightly in silence as he watched me. I couldn't look back up at him—I was ashamed. It was so dumb. Not to mention that I would probably lose him if I told him. He would find another girl who could blow him.

“What happened in there, (y/n)?” I pulled the blanket tighter around me.

“It's so embarrassing, Tom. I don't want to tell you…”

“But I want to know so I can make it better for you. I want you to be able to enjoy sex with me.”

“I do! I'm just afraid you won't with me.”

“Wh—” he paused, searching for an explanation. “Why wouldn't I?”

I sucked in a sharp breath. “Tom—”

“Please, darling.” He took my hand and pulled me out of the swing. “Jesus Christ,” he sighed. “I love you.” What? Tom loves me? “You're my girlfriend. I want to make you happy and comfortable, no matter what.”

“You'll leave me if I—”

Tom grabbed my cheeks in his hands. “Did you even hear what I just said, (y/n)?”

“Yeah, but—”

“I love you.” I felt fresh tears brim in my eyes.

“I love you, too, Tom.” He swiped his thumbs on my cheeks and then hugged me tighter than ever before.

“Please, tell me what's the matter. Why did you tense up? Why did you run from me?”

“Because… Because…” God, I’ll sound like a moron! Tom’s thumb rubbed against my cheek again. “You asked me to suck your dick… but I can't.”

Tom snickered, and I jerked from him to walk away again.

“Oh, no you don't.” He pulled me back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just… Why can't you?”

“Because… I have a small mouth. And my gag reflex…” I answered, “It's hypersensitive. It wouldn't have worked. I would have vomited.”

“Why didn't you just say anything?”

“It’s embarrassing!” I hissed. “And I—I… I was afraid you would leave me.”

“Just because you can't deep throat me doesn't mean I would leave you for someone who could. What a stupid thing to break up with someone over,” he sneered and led me back toward his place. “I would never make you do something like that.”

“It's just such a big deal,” I whispered, trying to compose myself.

“It's really not, darling.”

“I just want to give you anything you want.”

He stopped walking and held me at arm’s length. “Listen to me. I don't care if you can't give me head. Sex is—”

“'A two way street,’ I know.”

“I want you to enjoy it as much as I do.” He rubbed gentle circles on my back. “Besides, your hand was doing a bang-up job in there.”

I snorted and then sighed.

“It's just that every other girl could do it. My friends in high school used to do it to bananas at lunch, but I couldn't. Just thinking about it made me nauseous.”

“I would never and will never make you do something that you don’t want to do. You know that, right?”

“I do now.” I shimmied out of the blanket and draped it over both of us.

“I wouldn't want puke all over me anyway.” I laughed out loud as we walked inside. “Now…” He pushed me up against the wall by the doorway. “Where were we?”