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Elastic Heart

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"Hey, could you do these papers for me? I'm busy tonight."

No, my mum is sick in the hospital.

"Of course."

"Should I ask Haise-san out on a date tonight?"

Stay away, I'm crushing on him hard.

"I'm sure he would love your company!"

"Does this dress look good on me?"

No, you look tacky.

"You look like a movie star, I'm sure Sasaki-san would love it!"

"Haise rejected me! I started cutting again (Y:N)."

Why are you telling me? Don't you get enough attention already?

"Why doesn't he like me? I'm prettier then you, I'm fitter then you and I'm funnier than you. I don't understand."

"He doesn't deserve you, you are too good for him."

You're a bitch, no one really likes you.

It was so easy, it was right in front of her, so plan to see, and yet, every time she looked, it would change and morph. Dark and light were so similar it scared her to death.

Darkness hides light that is never in a million years supposed to be found, and light blinds us from the reality of darkness. He was blinding her from darkness and she liked it very much so. She was blinding him from the light and he hated it.

"(L:N)-san, what are you doing?" Haise says with annoyance as he catches the timid girl cleaning his office yet again. She blinks at him with her sad eyes and he feels something inside him click and he grabs the middle of her duster and snatches it.

"Get out!" He snaps and she makes no hesitation is shuffling from the room without a word. She was too much of a coward to do anything to anyone, all she did was listening to everyone else, agree with everyone and love for everyone else and he hated her for it.

She was a weak, pessimistic dog that couldn't follow her own tail. 

She hid behind an exterior of social interactions with others. She speaks to them, and they act like they care when they speak to her, they fake these conversations to save themselves from real interaction.

She discusses everything, but nothing of true importance. Every so often, she let down the clothe of invisibility to show a small part of herself, and they do the same, but for the most part, nothing happens.

She is a counsellor to the depressed, the oppressed mentally and/or socially. They sometimes allow her to view the interior of their troubled lives, and the exposure of these secrets usually allows them to get better. 

She was the girl that every laid their troubles on and it hurt her and he could tell unlike everyone else. No one cared for her under their own agenda, she sought to help them and they sought to abuse her kindness, and despite knowing of this; he was still cruel to her because it sickened him.

"Sorry about early Sasaki-san." She mumbled in a soft tone and he looks up from his pile of work and arches his eyebrows. Her eyes are dull and her skin is pale because she hid from the sunlight. Her hair is soft and long on her shoulders and she is wearing a pair of dark jeans and a plain blue tee-shirt that held her thin body modestly.

"No problem." Was his remark as he turns away and continues to read his notes and letters, but in hindsight, he had predicted that she wouldn't have said something, but instead turn on her heels and walk out the door.

"Why do you dislike me so much?" She suddenly asked making him jump, her voice was normally so soft and sumptuous, but now it was harsh and annoying. He runs a hand through his hair and slams his papers on the wooden desk.

"Because you are too nice, It bugs me." Was his blunt reply that made her mouth gape. Her eyes widened and she felt anger bubble in her heart. 

Here was the guy she was hopelessly in love with stating that all the hard work she had put in to be nice to people just to get his attention annoyed him. 

She would have broken down into tears if it were not for the look of surprise showing across his face at her expression.

"I see." Was all she said which made him more annoyed.

"Are you not going to yell or insult me? I know you have some sort of infatuation with me." This guy was a total jerk and she felt anger start to rise through her body from the pit in her stomach.

"Is that what you want? For me to yell and insult you?" 

He frowned, that wasn't what he was expecting at all, she seemed level-headed and calm and it irked him to no end.

"Truth is, I hate it here. I hate working here with these morons, but there would be no point in yelling over it to an asshole like you." She spat as she spun around and headed for the door.

I am selfless, but to me, it's a form of coping.

I will say what I can to make a smile appear. Logic overrides the weakness that lays in the dark recesses of my mind. I say that, but not believe myself. I lie to myself most of the time but I never believe what I say. 

Perhaps that should fill me with guilt and shame, that I was never hardwired to stand up for myself, to be independent and confident and awesome. To be my own hero.  It seems like every sign I see, is just the universe telling me that it's time to ring out the towel and give up. 

I sit in this cardboard house with these cookie cutter friends and this boring job and not once did I question the nature of things. Why do I love the ones who hurt me. Why am I addicted to pain and drama? Why can't we just spill the chips and let them stay where they lay. 

Who am I to care where they land? Because when there is death -- there is no heaven. 

"Sasaki-san." Comes a voice and he looks up from his papers yet again and he sees the figure of Saiko, she has a sad smile drifting off her features and he raises an eyebrow.

"What is wrong?"

"You didn't here?" She has that look of pity in her eyes that he finds infuriating. "(Y:N) (L:N) committed suicide last night."