Actions

Work Header

Love, Marvin

Chapter Text

June 7th, 2017


     So I started this dream journal because of the weird dreams I’ve been having. Let me start at the beginning. I’ve been having these dreams for a while now. First, I would have them, and then wake up and forget them immediately, only having the barest recollection of them. Then, I started having them more frequently, and I always remembered them. They’re all about this one guy. I don’t know his name, but I know I feel strongly about him. I can’t put my finger on it but he seems familiar. I know I’ve never met him before in my life. I could never forget a man who looked like that. I may be stupid but I’m not blind.

Chapter Text

June 16th, 2017


     I can’t place my finger on who this man is. I mean, I know I know him, I just can’t figure out where from. Every time I think of the man my insides turn to butterflies and my cheeks heat up. Trina and Mendel are telling me to see a psychiatrist, but I don’t know what one could do. I guess I’m just sort of waiting for something to happen. I don’t know. I’m constantly staring off into space, thinking about this man, something I’ve never done before. I’ve never been in love, so is this what love feels like? Am I in love with this man? I love him. No. That doesn’t feel right. It’s not love. It’s more like I lust him. I guess? I mean even that doesn’t feel right. I know, it’s like a schoolyard crush, like I like looking at him, and not touching. He’s like an art piece in a museum. Pretty to look at, but not to touch.

Chapter Text

June 28th, 2017


     I can’t explain it. More and more I feel like every time I try and get closer to the man, he’s just out of reach, like it’s not time. It’s sitting in front of my face, waiting to be grabbed at the right time, but I just can’t grab it. I don’t know what this means. Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist. I mean Mendel’s basically one right now, always psychoanalysing me, telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. He’s like an overbearing mother who thinks she’s doing well by her child, but in actuality she isn’t. She's just making it worse. Mendel’s just making it worse.

Chapter Text

July 2nd, 2017


     I woke up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t like I had a bad dream, my heart just started beating so fast I woke up, and couldn’t go back to sleep for a few hours. I kept thinking about the dream. It wasn’t anything remarkable or life changing. It was literally just the man smiling at me with this really pretty smile, and my heart felt like it was going to burst it was beating so fast. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I just really love that smile. I want to see it again. I have to see it again.

Chapter Text

July 24th, 2017


     I keep waking up. I’m having that same dream over and over again. Always that smile, always perfect, and pretty, and everything I could ever want. I learned something new though. It’s in a bar. An old bar that looks like it’s not around anymore, but still a bar. There were bartenders, and other people, but I can’t see their faces. It’s almost like the man’s smile is so beautiful the other people in the scene don’t matter. The man is almost perfect. I would say just perfect, but nobody’s perfect. The man’s only imperfection is that bald spot. How do I know that?

Chapter Text

August 1st, 2017


     I woke up with a boner last night. I remember the dream vividly. It was a sex dream, with the man. He was giving me a blowjob, I came, and then I woke up with a boner. I went into the bathroom and finished with the thought that it wasn’t actually my hand on my dick, but his. This is no longer a schoolyard crush, one where I get butterflies, but one where if I think of him, I get bright red and have to excuse myself from the room. I can now say I lust for him. And honestly, that kind of scares me.

Chapter Text

August 27th, 2017


     I met someone today. His name’s Whizzer. Weird name, I know, but apparently it had something to do with baseball and I hate baseball, so I cut him off there. He’s a good guy. Familier. It’s like I know him from somewhere. He reminds me of the man. They look similar, and have the same bright brown eyes, and beautiful perfect smile. They’re so alike. Whizzer’s a photographer. He came into my work today to take a company photo. I asked him out on a date. He accepted. I want to get to know this Whizzer better. I gave him my number and we made plans. I have to see him again.

Chapter Text

August 28th, 2017


     Whizzer. The man’s name is Whizzer.

Chapter Text

September 2nd 2017

 

     Now that I know his name, this makes it so much more real. Why do these two men share the same name, the same character traits? Why are they so similar? My date with Whizzer went well. I learned his last name is Brown. Whizzer’s an enigma to me. I found some things out, but I want to know more. I need to know more. Why Whizzer Brown?

Chapter Text

September 17th, 2017

 

     Whizzer’s a photographer. Not the Whizzer that I know, but the one in my dream. He’s a photographer. He’s starting to become more and more like the Whizzer I know. He hates chess. That’s another thing the two have in common. Whizzer, my Whizzer, said when I brought it up, that he hates it. I asked him how he could hate it if he’s never played and he just said, “I don’t know. It’s like the game wronged me in another life or something. I hate it.” He then started talking about baseball, a game he does like, and I had to tell him I hate baseball. We really don’t have that much in common. Why do I need him?

Chapter Text

September 30th, 2017


     I brought Whizzer home today. We had amazing sex. I didn’t dream.

Chapter Text

October 4th, 2017


     So, I’ve been thinking, when I have Whizzer over, I don’t dream. Okay that’s not entirely true. I dream some. But never about the Whizzer in my dreams. When I have my Whizzer curled up next to me, I’m free from the dreams. Okay, what if, for a moment, we toyed with the idea that the Whizzer in my dreams and the Whizzer in my life were the same person. How would that be possible? I hadn't met Whizzer before so how is this happening. I don’t understand.

Chapter Text

October 5th, 2017


     1978. That’s the year in my dreams. 1978.

Chapter Text

October 16th, 2017

 

     I asked Whizzer about dreams last night. He told me he believed that dreams could be telling something. I asked him what about dreams about me and he said he doesn’t dream. There goes my theory. If we had been some sort of shitty, star crossed lovers, I most definitely wouldn’t believe it. But now, reincarnated lovers seems more and more plausible the more I think about it. I can’t put my finger on it. This is frustrating.

Chapter Text

November 3rd, 2017


     Whizzer’s been over every night for the last week. He practically lives here now. He’s basically my boyfriend. He complains about my style, and tells me to pick up my horrendous clothes. He’s amazing, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He asked me if I was okay today. I said yea. I’m not. I haven’t had a dream since my last entry. Does it mean something? Am I going crazy and I’m missing something? I can’t think anymore.

Chapter Text

November 24th, 2017


     Whizzer broke up with me today. Something about how I wasn’t telling him everything. I think I’m going to sleep now.

Chapter Text

November 29th, 2017


     I woke up crying last night. I dreamt Whizzer died. I called him. He didn’t pick up. I know I can’t hold on to him, but my dreams are getting worse. Are they trying to tell me something? I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. When I was with Whizzer, I forgot what it was like to dream.

Chapter Text

December 17th, 2017


     I met my new neighbors today. They’re sweet girls. They’ve been together for a long time. I wish I had that. Tonight’s the first night of Chanukah, so I invited them to my place to celebrate with me. They’ve never celebrated Chanukah before so it felt special to be sharing this with them. I barely spared him a second thought.

Chapter Text

December 25th, 2017

 

     Charlotte and Cordelia, my neighbors, invited me over for Christmas. They felt like they should repay me for Chanukah, so I joined them. I ate Cordelia's horrendous food and laughed more than I’ve laughed in a long time. My dreams have worsened. I wake up almost every night crying. I see him dying and dying, over and over again. I don’t know what to do.

Chapter Text

December 25th, 2017

 

     Charlotte and Cordelia, my neighbors, invited me over for Christmas. They felt like they should repay me for Chanukah, so I joined them. I ate Cordelia's horrendous food and laughed more than I’ve laughed in a long time. My dreams have worsened. I wake up almost every night crying. I see him dying and dying, over and over again. I don’t know what to do.

Chapter Text

December 31st, 2017

 

     Whizzer’s grave is in a little Jewish Cemetery. I’m going tomorrow.

Chapter Text

January 1st, 2018


     I drove to the cemetery. I bought flowers for the grave. Roses. Whizzer always loved Roses. It was snowing so I wasn’t out there long. I mostly just stood there silently for a few minutes before I got too cold. I was thinking about Whizzer. I haven’t thought about him in a month, besides my dreams. Maybe that whole, reincarnated lover idea isn’t so crazy after all…

Chapter Text

January 20th, 2018


     J ason. I have to find Jason. He did this.

Chapter Text

January 31st, 2018

 

     I finally found him. Jason. My son. Well, mine and Trina’s son. He prayed to God that this would happen. Things like this make me almost believe in God. I’m going to see him tomorrow. What do I say to him? I can’t just explain to him I’m his dad reincarnated and that everyone he loves is still alive but don’t know who Jason is. What do I do? How do I explain? So many questions, so little answers.

Chapter Text

January 1st, 2018


     I drove to the cemetery. I bought flowers for the grave. Roses. Whizzer always loved Roses. It was snowing so I wasn’t out there long. I mostly just stood there silently for a few minutes before I got too cold. I was thinking about Whizzer. I haven’t thought about him in a month, besides my dreams. Maybe that whole, reincarnated lover idea isn’t so crazy after all…

Chapter Text

January 20th, 2018


     Jason. I have to find Jason. He did this.

Chapter Text

January 31st, 2018

 

     I finally found him. Jason. My son. Well, mine and Trina’s son. He prayed to God that this would happen. Things like this make me almost believe in God. I’m going to see him tomorrow. What do I say to him? I can’t just explain to him I’m his dad reincarnated and that everyone he loves is still alive but don’t know who Jason is. What do I do? How do I explain? So many questions, so little answers.

Chapter Text

February 1st, 2018

 

     I met with Jason today. He knew who I was. I didn’t have to explain. He said I looked like his dad, but younger. He told me about what he did. I told him everyone’s alive. He’s not alone. He hugged me and said I deserved a second chance. I would say that, but I appreciated the sentiment. He’s a good kid, Jason. He did a good thing. I’m proud of him. I gave him Trina’s number but warned him that she doesn’t remember anything. He thanked me. I told him no. Thank you.

Chapter Text

February 14th, 2018


     I had a new dream last night. It was Jason’s baseball game. I woke up to the feeling of hope.

Chapter Text

February 17th, 2018


     I spoke with Whizzer again. I finally went to his work. I told him everything. He thought I was crazy, which I expected but, I brought him to Jason, and a bit of familiarity was there between the two of them. Jason told him everything I did. We spent a few hours with Jason before finally saying goodbye. Whizzer grabbed my hand as we walked down the street in silence, I said I love you. I meant it.

Chapter Text

March 7th, 2017


     Whizzer and I have been on a few dates now. There’s less sex than before, but I’m okay with that. Whizzer moved back in with me and the dreams have stopped again. I don’t know if I should be sad or relived. I know I said before how these dreams were ruining me, but now… I kind of miss them believe it or not. I don’t know. Whizzer’s always home and I have him now in person but, I want to know more about what everyone was like back in 1979. I guess I’ll have to settle for talking with Jason then, but he doesn’t know everything. Maybe somethings will just come back to me. Maybe they won’t.

Chapter Text

April 4th, 2017

 

     I had what I think is my final dream last night. It was all of us, together. An older Jason hugging Trina and Mendel, while Cordelia and Charlotte are kissing in the background. Whizzer and I are looking at them, a bittersweet smile on our faces as Jason pulls away from Trina and Mendel to give us a hug. I woke with a feeling of moving on. Maybe that’s what could have been. Maybe that’s what’s to come. Either way, it’s time for me to stop thinking about the past and focus on the present. Be thankful for what I have because what I have may not last forever. I guess that means I have to stop with the dream journal, since I’m not having dreams anymore. Thank you, dream journal, for helping me find something I was missing. For finding my missing piece. For finding Him. My Whizzer.

~Love Marvin