Chapter 1: A Very Specky Night
The daylight invades Adam’s sleep, the sun’s light boring into his skull. Not really wanting to be awake, he rolls over and hides under the covers, trying to block out the light. After half an hour of trying to go back to sleep, he gives up, throwing aside the sheets unceremoniously as he sits up in bed. His brain begins to remind him of last night’s proceedings, slowly diffusing the fog to form some sort of coherent timeline of events. He comes to realise that he’s not wearing any clothes. Then he hears someone stirring beside him. He looks over to see someone sleeping next to him. He pulls the sheets back around himself, pushing his sleeping companion onto his back to see who it is. He pulls back when he sees Hamish lying there asleep, seemingly not wearing anything as well, though Adam isn’t brave enough to find out.
“Fuck. How did he-?”
He pauses for a moment, trying to put together what happened last night. He remembers taping the Christmas special, much fun was had, then… His mind is unhelpfully vague about what happened afterwards. His mind comes to rest on the kiss they shared during the taping. But, that didn’t explain what they were both doing here now, lying together like this. Maybe Hamish remembers something he doesn’t.
“Hamish. Hamish, wake up,” he says, trying to rouse him.
Hamish stirs, rolling over onto his side, obviously not wanting to wake.
“Come on, Hamish. Time to get up,” Adam tries again. “It’s morning… or at least, it’s daytime. Come on. No more sleeping.”
Hamish groans, obviously struggling to open his eyes as he turns to look up at who had woken him. “Honey, can’t you let – Adam? Where… This your place?” he says, looking around him.
“Yeah. And you’re in my bed. Get up, will you? Can you remember how we got here?” Adam says.
Hamish manages to sit up, obviously thinking. “We did the show, right? And then we… must’ve had a thing here… or something…”
“Hmm… doesn’t sound like anyone else is here though.”
“Might still be sleeping. Like I should be.”
“Get up and check, will you? And see if you can find my foot. I can’t see it around here.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright.”
Hamish stands and realises he’s not wearing anything. He searches the floor for something to cover up in, finally locating a robe hanging off a chair in the corner. He pulls it on and ties it before wandering out to the rest of the housed to see if anyone else is lying around asleep. He looks around but finds no one. He wanders back, finding Adam’s foot lying just outside the bedroom door. He picks it up and hands it over.
“Found your foot. And the house is empty. It’s just you and me,” Hamish says, sitting down on the bed.
“Fuck. So, how did we end up here?” Adam says, pulling his foot on before rummaging around for some clothes to wear.
“God knows. There’s plenty of empty beer bottles around. We must’ve gotten pretty drunk last night.”
Once dressed, Adam wanders out to see for himself. The house is indeed empty, and there appears to be no sign that anyone else bar them were ever here.
“How strange. Want some coffee?” Adam says.
“Yeah, maybe that’ll wake me up a bit,” Hamish says.
Hamish sits on the sofa, pondering the night’s events while the coffee is made. Adam returns soon enough, bringing the coffee and taking a seat beside him. They sit and drink their coffee in silence, both trying to remember what had happened.
Hamish and Adam stumble into Adam’s place after midnight, both clutching beer in one hand, laughing and supporting each other. The door slams shut behind them. They both collapse on the couch. It’s clear they’ve had a few drinks already. They sit and talk, continuing to drink. Their discussion centres around the taping, if only because it’s the foremost thing in their minds, both remembering various bits until they come to the kiss they shared. Both find it very funny, going over the sequence of events several times before collapsing against each other in a fit of giggles.
“Hey, hey, Adam, I dare ya to kiss me properly,” Hamish says.
“Kiss you properly? Like once wasn’t enough?” Adam says.
“Yeah, go on. Don’t you want me now?” Hamish says, obviously trying to annoy him.
“Oh, fuck off. One stupid kiss and suddenly we’re together?” Adam laughs in spite of his words.
“Chicken. So you can kiss me on national television but not now when no one’s looking?” Hamish says.
Adam isn’t sure what comes over him, but at Hamish’s words, he kisses him. Properly. He pushes him onto his back on the sofa, attacking his mouth ferociously. Hamish kisses back, his mind unfazed at this behaviour. Before either of them can stop themselves, their clothes begin to be discarded as the alcohol and whatever else take over.
Their kisses become softer as they begin to explore each other and before they know what’s happened, they’re up and staggering into Adam’s room, pulling their clothes off as if they were excess baggage. They collapse on the bed, their mouths pinned together, both unsure as to why they’re doing this, but enjoying themselves too much to stop.
Their hands begin exploring each other, initiating a closeness they’d never had before. New experiences, new sensations, things they never even dreamed they’d feel, everything closing in around them til they’re the only two people who matter. Sure, they’re pissed, but that doesn’t take away from how good this is all feeling.
The sex is awkward and uncomfortable at first as they both get used to each other doing things they’d never done before. But, they persist, perhaps because they’re pissed, and somehow, they stumble together and make everything feel fantastic. Somehow, they make it work. They twist themselves together, both getting the chance to explore inside the other.
When they finally stop, when their bodies have no strength left, they exchange a soft kiss before collapsing into sleep. There they lie til they wake.
Adam sits up, looking over at Hamish, wondering if he’s remembered as well. “Wow. That was…” His voice is subconsciously quiet, the memories still running around in his head.
“You remember it too? What we did together?” Hamish says, his voice piercing Adam’s thoughts.
“We were drunk. That’s all it was,” Adam says, dismissively.
“Are you sure that’s all it was?”
“Yeah. Why? Aren’t you sure that’s all it was?”
“No, that’s all it was. It meant nothing, right?”
“Course it meant nothing. We were drunk. Just forget it ever happened, right?”
“Yeah. Right. Forget it ever happened. No telling.”
“Why would I tell? It never happened.”
“Oh, right. Yeah. Mind if I shower?”
Hamish gathers up his clothes before heading off to shower. Adam remains on the couch, clearing his head of the previous night’s events. He’s glad the coffee is helping.
Hamish locks himself in the bathroom, resting his clothes on the bench. He pulls the robe off and hangs it from the doorknob. He showers quickly, his mind elsewhere. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t forget their drunken night of sex. He hates that he can’t forget it. Even if they never talk about it, they’ll both still know it happened.
He figures that if he hadn’t enjoyed their night together, he’d probably be more willing to forget it. As it stands, that night stands out as one of the most enjoyable he’s had in a very long time, not that that was any reflection on his girlfriend, of course. But, he wonders whether he’d enjoy it as much now that he’s sober. How much had the alcohol influenced his memories of how much he’d enjoyed it?
He shakes himself out of his thoughts. He doesn’t want to do that again, does he? What would his girlfriend say if she ever found out? Would he tell her it was only a one-night thing? Was it only a one-night thing? He isn’t sure. But, how else to know if it really is as good as he remembers?
He steps out of the shower to dry off and get dressed, his mind still bothered by his thoughts. He’d never thought about doing it with another guy. He had no reason to. Now, it’s all he can think of. Why does he need to know for sure that it was just the alcohol making those memories better? He isn’t sure. He isn’t sure about a lot of things.
All he knows is that he leaves the bathroom and sits down next to Adam again, not immediately realising he’d pulled the robe back on instead of dressing in his own clothes. The first words to come out of his mouth are, “Do you think we should try again, now that we’re sober?”
Adam just stares at him. He doesn’t need to ask what he’s referring to. “So it wasn’t meaningless to you then?”
“Yeah, well, no, what I mean is – maybe there’s more to it. Like, did it really feel that good or was that just because we were drunk? Don’t you want to know?”
“Not particularly. We were drunk. Who cares? It never happened.”
“I want to find out. Aren’t you even slightly curious?”
“First you wanted another kiss, now you want another fuck? No, I’m not even slightly curious. Besides, I’m not the one with a girlfriend.”
“You were the one that kissed me first. Now you’re backing away from me?”
Adam remains silent for a while, trying to work out what to say. “I’m… scared,” he says finally. Adam tries to hide the fear in his voice, but Hamish notices it as soon as he speaks.
“What are you afraid of?”
“We can’t do this.”
“But you want to, right?”
“…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
“Then don’t. Just give in.”
Their faces inch closer together. Hamish cups Adam’s face with his hand, bring them into a kiss. Their lips touch, softly at first, before their desire kicks in, and they hold each other close. Hamish reaches down to stroke Adam through his pants, causing Adam to break their kissing and pull away. Hamish wonders what’s wrong.
“Sorry, it’s just… I’m not used to this. I mean-”
“It’s ok. It’s new to me too.”
“No, no, what I meant was-” Adam paused, unsure.
“What? Something you want to tell me?”
“What I meant was – it’s been a long time. I’m not used to this yet. I don’t wanna hurt you.”
“We’ll take it slowly, alright? No need to rush, right?”
Adam smiles. “Yeah, no need to rush.”
Hamish smiles back, pulling Adam in to kiss him again. Adam, now reassured, relaxes and kisses him back, pushing him back onto the sofa, his hands pinning him down. They pause briefly as Adam pushes the robe off, leaving Hamish lying naked beneath him. Hamish pulls Adam’s shirt from him, kissing and stroking down his chest. Adam lets a small moan escape his lips, holding Hamish’s head close to his skin as he kisses down his hot skin towards his pants. Hamish manages to free Adam’s cock from his pants, lightly kissing and stroking it. Hamish stops and looks up at Adam, wanting to make sure he still wants to do this.
“I-I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing, but-”
“Just fucking do it,” Adam says.
With that, Hamish takes him into his mouth, his hands slowly pushing his pants down. Adam groans happily, his hips beginning to move with the same rhythm as Hamish’s sucking. Adam lets Hamish push him onto his back, a hand still on his head as he works him. Adam’s hips buck of their own accord, thrusting into Hamish’s accommodating mouth until he cums. Hamish pulls back at the semen filling his mouth, not used to pleasuring someone like this. It doesn’t feel totally unpleasant, though, but it would take some getting used to.
Without being asked, Hamish licked him clean, his tongue softly flitting over his hot skin. Once he’s finished, he looks up at Adam, lying still and silent, seeing his chest rise and fall as his breathing returns to normal again. Adam raises his head to look at Hamish, smiling as he sees him lying there, grinning. Adam reaches down and pulls Hamish close to him, kissing him hard. Breaking the kiss, he smiles up at Hamish as he smiles back.
“You know, for someone who wasn’t sure they knew what they were doing, you did ok,” Adam says.
“Oh yeah? And how would you know that?” Hamish says with a laugh, not really expecting an answer.
“I’ll tell you later. Now to take care of you. Let me show you how it’s done. Just – trust me on this. It’ll hurt at first, but it’s worth it. I’ll be gentle, alright?” Adam says.
Hamish looks a little confused before it dawns on him what Adam wants to do. “You don’t have to. I-I mean, don’t feel you have to rush into this,” he says, his voice sounding a little nervous.
Adam notices his hesitation and fear. “I’d never hurt you, you know. We can wait until you’re ready, if you like. But, that’s assuming there’s some sort of relationship between us. Where do we stand here? What about your girlfriend?” Adam says seriously.
“I-I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of that,” Hamish says, sheepishly.
“I’m not going to be second best. I won’t be your little secret. I won’t wait around for you, you know. Not forever, anyway.”
Hamish pulls away, sitting on the floor, his back against the chair. “This is so fucked up. How did we get into this big mess?” he says.
“Does it matter? There’s no going back now. You regret what we did together?” Adam says, pulling his jeans back up before sitting up.
“No, I don’t, it’s just that-” Hamish pauses. “I’m so confused. Everything was fine til this happened. Now I’m not sure of anything!” Hamish says, standing up and walking away from Adam.
“Fine, you go sort yourself out. And maybe I’ll be here when you know what you want. But, don’t expect me to spend the rest of my life waiting for you,” Adam says angrily.
“Fine. I’ll be leaving then,” Hamish says, leaving Adam sitting on the sofa as he gets dressed properly and gathers his things.
Adam hardly notices his movements. He wonders what he’s done to scare him off.
“Goodbye, Adam,” Hamish says. “I’ll… seeya round.”
By the time Adam looks towards the door, Hamish is gone. His heart crushed, his mind confused, there’s nothing left for him to do but cry.
Adam cries alone for a long time. The minutes slowly pass into hours. Darkness falls and the sun rises again. When he can’t cry any more, he turns on himself, quite convinced it’s all his fault he pushed Hamish away. He wants someone – anyone – to come and tell him he did nothing wrong. But, no one comes. No one comes to make him happy. He waits for any sign that Hamish is coming back to him. He loses faith as the days increase. Even after the Christmas special airs, there isn’t a word from him. He didn’t watch it. He didn’t want to see them kissing again. He knew that would hurt too much. Dejectedly, Adam gives up on him. Someone else is slowly taking his place.
Adam doesn’t know, but Hamish is as plagued by doubt and fear as he is, wondering if they can ever have anything together, whether they can ever love each other. But, he figures Adam must’ve moved on. He’s heard talk about him having someone else in his life. So, he resigns himself to wondering what might’ve been, pushing the time they spent together deep into his mind.
Time passes, and they both get on with their lives. Spicks and Specks starts up again, filling Adam’s life up. He thinks nothing of Hamish until the second show. He’d forgotten he’d asked him to be on that night. Suddenly, the nerves fire up, and he wonders how he’ll cope with them being in such close proximity for such a long time. Before he even arrives at the studio, he spends a good hour trying to calm himself down.
When he does arrive, he tries to avoid seeing him until it’s absolutely necessary. When Hamish sees him, he’s torn between going to talk to him, and not saying a thing. They both happen to bump into each other backstage, and suddenly being together again makes them both uncomfortable.
“Adam. Hi,” Hamish says.
Adam looks at him, wanting to be nice and all, but still angry with him for leaving him alone. “What the fuck did I do wrong?” he says, his voice quiet.
“It wasn’t you. I… I had to sort myself out,” Hamish says, dismissively.
“Sure you fucking did. I can see what decision you made.”
“No, it’s not like that. God, do you know how many times I wanted to call you, to just … be with you again? But, no, you’re too selfish to see that,” Hamish says.
Selfish? Adam is quite sure he isn’t selfish. “You left me, under some pretence that you needed to sort yourself out. I waited. You never returned to me. What was I supposed to think? I gave up on you, and now you’ve lost me. I hope you’re happy now,” Adam says angrily.
“You didn’t have to choose! You didn’t have to spend a whole lot of sleepless nights wondering who you really loved!” Hamish says.
Adam turns away from him, fuming. Like he didn’t go through the same thing.
“Adam, please, I’m sorry if I hurt you. I was scared. Terrified, actually. With you, it was something I’d never even thought about before. I didn’t know what to do. I had a lot to think about. Maybe you don’t understand how hard it was for me to deal with,” Hamish says, his anger waning.
Adam spins around, staring at Hamish. “I don’t care. Just don’t bring it up tonight, alright? Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” he says.
Hamish lowers his head, hurt by Adam’s words. Adam leaves, wanting to get rid of his anger before he goes out there. Hamish stays back for a moment, wondering what had changed Adam so much.
They see each other after the taping, both hanging around the studio after everyone else has left. Adam sits on the stage, his hands holding his face. Hamish approaches from the back, watching him silently. In the eerily silent room, Hamish can hear Adam speaking quietly to himself.
“I should never have done that, should never have kissed him. I knew he’d never accept me. Why do I even bother?” he says with a sigh.
Hamish thinks about approaching him, but turns and leaves, realising what he has to do. It won’t be pretty, it won’t be painless, but seeing him sitting there looking so morose, so unlike how he’d been on camera, Hamish knows who he wants to be with. He isn’t afraid anymore. He’s just annoyed it took him so long to work it out.
Adam remains silting there another hour before leaving for home again. He arrives to find his place empty, as he’s come to accept. He goes to bed, lying awake, struggling to push Hamish out of his thoughts. Eventually, sleep overcomes him, only for Hamish to haunt his dreams.
A few days pass. Adam returns home one evening to find a message waiting for him on his machine. He doesn’t think it can be very important until he hears Hamish’s voice.
“Adam? Adam, I need to talk to you. I need to see you. Call me. Please. If you do nothing else, just call me. Things have changed… and I’m not sure what to do,” Hamish’s voice says.
Adam listens to the message three times, trying to work out what to make of it. His curiosity aroused, he calls Hamish, wondering what on earth he wants.
“Adam? Oh, thank God. I wasn’t sure you’d call,” Hamish says, relief filling his voice.
“You leave me such an interesting message and don’t expect me to call?” Adam says.
“Sorry about that, it’s just… something’s come up. I need to talk to you. Just when I thought I had everything under control,” Hamish says.
“You gonna tell me anything or should I hang up now?” Adam says, beginning to sound annoyed.
“No, no, don’t go, Adam, please. It involves us. You and me.” There’s a short silence. Adam doesn’t speak, not wanting to interrupt him. “This is better done in person. Can you meet me? I mean, is it alright if I come over? You haven’t got company, have you?”
“I just got home. There’s no one else here. Come over then, if it’s that important to you,” Adam says.
“Ok, I’ll be over soon. You’ll be there, right?” Hamish says anxiously.
“Of course, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere,” Adam says, trying to reassure him.
The call ends and Adam spends a good 20 minutes anxiously pacing around his place, waiting for Hamish to arrive. He looks up towards the door when he hears a small knock. Hurrying over, he pulls the door open to see Hamish standing there in tears, his head lowered, his hands clasped in front of him. Hamish looks up at him, relieved beyond belief that Adam is standing there now.
“Adam, I-” Hamish pauses.
“Come in, I’ll make some coffee, yeah?” Adam says, ushering him inside, the door closing behind them.
Hamish sits on the sofa anxiously, while Adam makes coffee. His mind is reeling with what he has to tell Adam. Much has happened over the past few days, and now that Hamish has come to realise who he wants to be with, he’s scared he’s realised that too late. What if Adam’s already lost to him? What if he doesn’t feel the same way?
Adam sitting down beside him brings him out of his thoughts. “So, what did you want to talk about?” Adam says.
Hamish looks at the floor, unsure where to begin. “It’s… complicated,” he says.
“These last few months… I’ve been so confused. Before that night, everything made sense. Then, everything changed. It got … messy. I didn’t know if … what we did together…” Hamish’s voice trails off. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “I tried to forget you, tried to tell myself it was just a one off thing, that it didn’t mean anything, but I was lying to myself. It meant everything to me. I couldn’t forget you. It’s probably too much to expect you to feel the same way, but I had to tell you. I had nowhere else to go,” he says.
“Nowhere else to go? Is something wrong, Hamish?” Adam says.
“I don’t know how she knew. Stupid me for moving in with her. She … threw me out. She said I didn’t love her anymore. She said she could see how much I wanted you and that she had known she’d lost me some time ago. I cried. I cried so much. She wouldn’t change her mind. God, I’m so sorry, Adam. I’ll go now, if you like,” Hamish says, standing up.
“Sit down, Hamish. I don’t want you to go,” Adam says, pulling Hamish back down. “You can stay here if you like, you know, until you find somewhere else to stay.”
Hamish nodded glumly, drinking from his mug of coffee. “I don’t want to be a burden. I mean, if you’re sure it’s ok,” he says.
“If I wasn’t ok with it, I wouldn’t have asked.”
Hamish looks at Adam and smiles. Adam smiles back. There’s silence for several minutes, neither knowing what to say.
“I love you, Adam. I can’t hide it from you anymore,” Hamish says quietly, breaking the silence between them. He stands and walks away from Adam, keeping his back to him. He gazes out of the window mindlessly. “I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same way. I waited too long to tell you. I was afraid you might be taken from me by now. I’ll go now. I can find somewhere to stay. No need to inconvenience you further,” he says.
Adam stands and walks up to him, wrapping his arms around his waist. He rests his head against Hamish’s shoulder, looking out at the world. “Stay. Please. I love you too,” he says softly.
“You’re just saying that.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“What about you and-”
“Don’t worry about her. We were never really together anyway. She knew where my heart was, and it wasn’t with her.”
“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you? You really want to be with me?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to say anything to you. I didn’t know if you were still interested. I’m never gonna stop loving you.”
Hamish smiles. “We can finally be together? No more obstacles coming between us? I’m finally yours?” he says with a hopeful grin.
“All mine,” Adam says, wrapping his arms tightly around Hamish’s chest.
“Then you’d better cheer me up then,” Hamish says, turning round to kiss Adam softly on the lips.
“With pleasure,” Adam says.
With a strength Hamish didn’t know he had, Adam scoops Hamish into his arms and carries him into the bedroom, lying him down gently.
Finally allowed to be together, their kisses are hungry and deep, finding each other all over again. They take their time getting reacquainted again, before Adam shows him how he should be loved. Hamish gives in to Adam and lets him come inside. They move slowly at first, wanting to fully experience all the new sensations all over again, before the lust takes over and both start pushing harder, wanting to bring the other over the edge. Once spent of their lust, they lie in each others arms, talking. Just talking. Neither dares sleep for fear this is just a bad dream that won’t be real when they wake.
When morning comes, they have their coffee as they stand by the window, Adam holding Hamish close to him, basking in the light of the rising sun against their bare skin, watching the world come to life.
“Whatever happens, I’ll always be yours,” Hamish says, leaning into Adam’s embrace.
Adam softly kisses the back of his neck. “Forever and always.”
Chapter 2: Big Distraction
I felt the desire to extend the first fic. This leaves off immediately where A Very Specky Night ended. Anyway, the basic summary for this fic is that Adam and Hamish are crazy in love, tentatively take a step into brand new territory.
Also, fuck it, wallotext. I can't remember where the fkn scene breaks are meant to be anymore.
“So… what happens now?” Hamish says, his voice breaking them both out of their thoughts.
“You bask in the morning sunlight while I make us some breakfast?” Adam says hopefully.
Hamish turns to face his new lover. Adam’s not sure he likes the serious look on his face. He’s not gonna leave on him, is he? Not when they’ve just found each other. Adam doesn’t think he can bear to have him leave now.
“What do you mean?” Adam says, hoping this won’t be bad.
“I meant about us. What happens now we’re together? Someone’s gonna find out one way or another. Are you sure we can do this?” Hamish says.
“We’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. We’re the only people who matter now, alright?” Adam says, bringing Hamish’s face close to his, their lips brushing against each other. There is a slight pause before they kiss properly, a kiss that seals their commitment to each other. They slowly pull apart after the kiss, their eyes locked onto the other.
“That’s easy enough to say though isn’t it? People will care… and you’re so much older than me…” Hamish’s voice trails off.
“Now my age scares you? I’m not that much older,” Adam says.
“It’s ten, eleven years, isn’t it? Something like that anyway. That’s a lot to me, almost half my life. This age difference thing isn’t something I’ve ever had to deal with before,” Hamish says.
“Does it really matter, as long as we’re together?” Adam says.
“No, not really…”
Hamish takes a deep breath before speaking. “Alright, it does bother me.”
“Well, it’s not like I can change it or anything. What bothers you about it?” Adam says, almost laughing.
“Well, you’ve… been around… I feel like I’m just starting out. I don’t know what I’m doing,” Hamish says awkwardly, sort of knowing what he’s talking about, but not really knowing for certain.
“What, you think I’m experienced in this, do you? Fuck no. One night doesn’t make you an expert. I just had good teachers. I’m not sure what I’m doing either, not really,” Adam says. “Sex is not the same as a relationship, you know.”
“I know. It’s just – you know more about this and everything. It had never been a part of my life til you first kissed me. You’ve been a part of it more than I have,” Hamish says.
“So you have heard that story then? Look, we were pissed, we probably shouldn’t’ve been, things happened. That was it. Forget what anyone else has told you. Besides, it’s not a crime, you know. He can be quite persuasive when he’s horny.”
“Look, sorry I ever brought it up. I didn’t mean – I mean, I meant… a lot of things. I’m being silly, aren’t I?” Hamish says, looking towards the ground, embarrassed.
“Just a tad. But, we’re both finding our feet in this, so it’s alright. I expect we’ll both mess this up a bit until we get used to it,” Adam says, trying to reassure Hamish.
“Til recently, I didn’t even know it was possible to love another man like this. Everything’s just so… overwhelming, and confusing. It’s happened so fast. I haven’t had time to sit down and process all this,” Hamish says, looking at Adam again.
“There’ll be time for that, don’t worry. I have… things I need to work through as well. Now, you hungry at all?” Adam says.
Hamish smiles. “Yeah, I am actually. Kinda tired too. I hope I don’t have anything to do today,” he says.
“Well, we didn’t exactly get any sleep last night, did we? Here, sit down, I’ll get you some breakfast,” Adam says.
Hamish slumps down on the sofa, taking in the view from the window as the sun streams down into the room. Breakfast comes, they eat in silence, then find themselves feeling ready for a sleep, leaning against each other on the couch. Adam gets up to close the curtains on the window to make the flat dark before pulling Hamish into the bedroom to sleep on the bed. And there they remain for several hours, sleeping in each other’s arms.
Hamish wakes first, leaving Adam sleeping there while he showers and dresses. He finds he’s getting rather hungry again, and notices it’s almost 6pm. At that, he decides he’ll make dinner for him and Adam, though a quick look around the kitchen tells him he’ll either have to go buy ingredients or buy take-away. He thinks about what he can make, noticing some of the few ingredients in the kitchen. He makes up his mind to cook something, so scrawls a quick note for Adam in case he wakes before he gets back and leaves for the shops.
Adam sleeps on, waking just as Hamish starts cooking, the smells wafting in to his empty stomach. He staggers out of bed, lazily pulling some clothes – and his foot – on before walking out to the kitchen. He sees Hamish there, cooking dinner for them both. Hamish looks up and sees his lover standing there.
“Hey there. Hungry? Dinner will be ready soon,” Hamish says.
“You didn’t have to cook, you know,” Adam says, leaning against the counter.
“Nah, I don’t mind. Besides, what else was I gonna do with my time? I wanted to let you sleep. I bought a few things too, your kitchen was a bit bare,” Hamish says.
“Thanks. That’s… really nice of you. What are you cooking?” Adam says.
“You’ll find out. Go on, grab a drink and go watch some TV or something. Go on, get out of my kitchen, you’ll distract me from our dinner,” Hamish says with a laugh, handing Adam a beer from the fridge.
“Yes, dear,” Adam says, grinning, giving him a quick peck on the cheek as he takes the beer, sitting down to watch the news or whatever else is on.
Hamish calls Adam for dinner half an hour later, having cooked something that smelt absolutely gorgeous. He’s set the table all lovely too, Adam’s thrilled to see. And Hamish knows how to cook. He hadn’t realised the little mite knew how to cook like that.
After they eat, Adam insists they clean up before they relax in front of the TV for a while. Both are wide-awake now. They don’t need to sleep yet. When TV becomes boring, they talk until their need to be close takes over. Well, practice makes perfect, right?
Adam lies him down to fuck him again, somehow managing to keep from speeding up so that they both feel every stroke. It becomes agonisingly slow, Adam’s thrusting, til Hamish feels he can’t bear it anymore. Adam slowly works his cock as he moves, relishing the feel of Hamish’s hard cock in his hand. Adam speeds up only right at the very end, sending them both over the edge. They come hard, and collapse on top of each other as they come down.
It isn’t until well after midnight when they lie together on Adam’s bed, arms around each other, content and ready for sleep.
“What’s life gonna be like now?” Hamish says.
“What, now that we’re together?” Adam says.
“Yeah. We’re gonna be alright, aren’t we? I mean-” Hamish pauses.
“I mean… how can we tell people about this? They’re gonna hate us for it. I don’t wanna hide it, but I don’t wanna live without you,” Hamish says, stroking a finger down Adam’s cheek.
“I’m not going anywhere. What are you worried about?”
Hamish pulls away from Adam, sitting on the edge of the bed. Adam follows, sitting behind him, wondering what’s troubling him.
“You remember that gay guy who got killed a few streets away? What if that happens to us? What if they come for us?"
“I’ve lived here for years, Hamish. There’s nothing to worry about. You’re safe here,” Adam says, wrapping his arms around him.
“But what if-”
“Shh. Sleep now. Nothing can get you here. I’ll protect you.”
Hamish lets Adam pull him back into bed, feeling his lover pressed against him, his arms holding him firmly. Adam falls asleep well before Hamish does. When Adam wakes the next day, Hamish is nowhere to be found.
Adam wakes alone, silence greeting him. He notices the bed feels colder than it should. He sits up in bed, looking around his bedroom, trying to hear if Hamish is around. It’s just after 10 am. Not worrying too much over Hamish’s absence, he wanders out to the kitchen to eat. He finds a note waiting for him. He reads it as he makes his breakfast.
Sorry I couldn’t stick around. Things to do.
I hope I didn’t wake you as I left.
I’ll be home later on.
Love you. Hamish.
Thinking nothing of it, Adam gets on with his day.
When he arrives home later on, he finds Hamish sitting on the floor, leaning against his front door, apparently sleeping. A small smile comes to Adam’s lips as he kneels down to wake him up.
“Hey, wake up love. How long have you been here?”
Hamish sighs as he wakes, propping himself up. He looks at his watch. “Oh, a while, it seems. I forgot I didn’t have a key or anything so I couldn’t get in and you weren’t around so I decided to wait.”
“You should’ve just called me. I would’ve come to let you in. Don’t worry, I’ve got you a key, so this shouldn’t happen again unless you lose it,” Adam says, handing over the key.
“Thanks. I didn’t want to bother you, that’s all,” Hamish says as he gets to his feet, shoving the key into his pocket.
“It’s no bother,” Adam says, standing up to let them inside. “You’re locked out of my place and don’t think you should bother me about it?”
“Sorry, I guess I’m still getting used to this. Didn’t really think about it,” Hamish says, closing the door behind him as he enters.
Adam walks over to him, bringing him into his arms. “Doesn’t matter. I still love you,” he says.
“I love you too, Adam,” Hamish says, resting his head against Adam’s shoulder.
Adam holds him for a while as the room fills with silence. Just being together, in each other’s arms, getting used to showing such affection towards each other. Hamish can’t deny how safe he feels being in Adam’s embrace, how right it feels to have his arms around him. Eventually they pull apart. Adam leans forward, softly kissing Hamish’s lips before pulling away again.
“Don’t stop. I… want you to,” Hamish says.
Taking his lead, Adam kisses him again, harder, more certain, pushing Hamish backwards til they collapse onto the sofa. Adam takes charge, kissing, undressing, biting, leaving Hamish lying there, gasping, horny, never wanting Adam to leave him.
As Adam pulls his own clothes off, Hamish takes the opportunity to help out, pressing against him until Adam’s the one lying on his back on the sofa, kissing him hungrily.
“I. Fuckin. Need. You,” Hamish gasps between kisses.
“Ready to take me, hey?”
“Need fuck badly,” Hamish manages to say.
Adam smiles, reaching down to grab Hamish’s hard cock in his hand, feeling it pulsing against his skin. Hamish gasps as Adam rubs his thumb across the head, grinding his cock against Adam’s touch, trying to cum by whatever means available.
“Stop moving. I got a better way.”
Adam reaches down under the sofa, pulling out a condom and some lube. Hamish looks puzzled before realising what Adam has in mind. He grins in anticipation.
“You wanna fuck me?” Adam says.
“Fuck yeah,” Hamish says, grabbing the rubber and sliding it down his cock.
“Don’t forget to lube it. You’ll appreciate it,” Adam says.
Hamish merely groans as he leans over to kiss his lips, a hand lavishly coating his cock with lube. By now, Adam’s almost as impatient as Hamish is for a fuck. Adam can barely find the words to guide Hamish inside him properly before he’s thrusting inside him. Kissing isn’t important now. Hamish pulls Adam’s legs up to curl around his waist, allowing him to thrust even deeper inside him, encouraged by Adam’s guidance. Adam works his own cock in amidst telling Hamish how he wants to be fucked. Hamish does as he’s told; the more he thrusts, the more he enjoys himself. He can still imagine the times that Adam’s fucked him, how he’s doing to Adam what he did to him. He never imagined sex like this could feel so good.
Adam lies there, his eyes shut tight, every sensation in his body arousing him. His mind thinks of nothing but telling Hamish how to fuck him, how he wants to feel him plunge deep inside him, hit his prostate hard, feel everything and nothing else. He barely hears Hamish gasping for air above him, though his hands more than easily glide over his damp skin. With all this stimulation, Adam takes little time to cum, though it seems like it’s taken forever. His semen shoots onto his chest. Seeing Adam in such ecstasy pushes Hamish over the edge, pushing hard the last few strokes as he cums.
As they come down, Adam relaxes, and Hamish pulls out of his lover. Hamish disposes of the condom before lying down to lick Adam’s cum from his chest, creeping up him until he’s close enough to kiss him. They lie together, their arms around each other, being close, basking in each other’s warmth.
“God, it’s been a long time since I had someone do that to me,” Adam says.
“I never thought it’d be quite so draining,” Hamish says.
“It gets easier the more you do it, or so I’m told. Never had the chance to find out, really,” Adam says.
“We’ll be alright, won’t we?” Hamish says.
“Yeah, stop worrying about that, ok?” Adam says.
“Alright, for you, love,” Hamish says with a smile. “Any chance of a feed? Kinda hungry now.”
“I’ll see what I can find,” Adam says, rising to his feet and walking towards the kitchen. Hamish remains on the sofa, taking this opportunity to observe his lover.
They eat, and they sleep, and life continues.
Chapter 3: Running
Adam and Hamish contemplate what they have and their future together.
It’s been an intense few weeks. Both Adam and Hamish have found themselves very busy, so their time together is forced to be short, hard and fast, so to speak. They’ve learnt to make good use of the time they have together since neither feel brave enough to go out together as a couple yet. They haven’t dared tell anyone about their newfound love. All they need to know is that Hamish is staying at Adam’s til he finds a place of his own.
Despite this innocent façade, which seems reasonable enough to the casual observer, gossip spreads quietly like fog spreading across a city. Word has gotten around about Hamish being dumped by his girlfriend, and there’s talk that Adam’s the reason why. Well, Hamish ended up at Adam’s, didn’t he? There has to be a reason why, at least, there should be. And why run to him instead of other, closer friends? All this suspicion leads to all sorts of rumours, most made in jest, yet hiding an underlying seriousness not readily discussed. Both men deny these rumours whenever someone brings them up, but it makes for an ominous cloud hanging over them. Sooner or later, the truth would get out. These things never stay hidden forever. Someone somewhere eventually finds out.
It’s with this sense of looming trouble that Adam and Hamish sit down one night before dinner to talk. They’ve been careful to keep their relationship secret, but there’s always the chance someone will find out and spill the beans, what with all the rumours flying around. In spite of Adam knowing it probably won’t be a big issue if it does come out, he can’t help feeling scared. The last few weeks he’s had to face a lot of things he hadn’t wanted to deal with. He envies Hamish. He doesn’t seem as deeply troubled by all this as he is. Kissing guys is one thing; falling in love with them is something else entirely, something he was never completely comfortable with before all this happened.
“Hamish, how long do you think we can keep this secret for?” Adam says.
“As long as we need to, I’d wager. Why do you ask?” Hamish says, hearing the hesitation, the fear, in his voice.
“There’s been talk…” Adam says, his voice trailing off.
“No, not necessarily, just… People are talking. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before someone works it out.”
“Why are you so worried about this? No one’s gonna come and crucify us, least I don’t think anyone will.”
“I envy how so not scared you are. I know I shouldn’t worry about it so much, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m too old to be able to come out like this.”
“You’ve proved to me enough times that you’re not too old for anything,” Hamish says with a laugh.
“What if they hate us? What if everything goes horribly wrong? What then?” Adam says, ignoring Hamish’s light-hearted remark.
“You know them well enough. You don’t seriously think they’d suddenly go crazy mad, grab their pitchforks and charge after us, do you?”
“Well, perhaps not,” Adam says with a sigh. “It’s just not something that’s really happened. I know some won’t mind, but others I’m not sure about. Besides, I’m still not sure if all this makes me gay now or not.”
“It doesn’t have to make us gay. I-I mean, I don’t think I am, am I? Are we? I mean-” Hamish sighs. “Look, I’m still working all this out. Being attracted to a guy isn’t easy to make sense of, I’m sure you know that. Do we even have to be open about it at all? Is it any of their business?”
“For some, it will be. We’ll have to tell some people. We can’t get away with keeping this secret from everyone,” Adam says. “Your mate, for one. I’ve heard he’s angry with you.”
“Forget about him. I’ve already told him,” Hamish says sharply, turning away from Adam.
“You told him?”
“Yeah. He wanted to know why I went to you first, you know, when she dumped me. He kinda forced it out of me. Sorry bout that.”
“It’s alright. He has a right to know, don’t you think?”
“I suppose so. I just wanted to tell him on my terms, not when he’s got me cornered, that’s all.”
“Is he gonna tell? Because I’d hate for him to spread this everywhere.”
“I asked him to keep it to himself, least for the moment. We’ll tell when we’re ready, right?”
“Yeah, when we’re ready,” Adam says, sounding rather dejected.
“What’s wrong now?”
“A part of me wants to keep it secret until we’ve worked everything out, but then I think that’ll never come, that we’ll never have this sorted out. I just don’t know how to deal with this. Are we planning to be together forever? Or are we gonna end up drifting apart in a year’s time when the thrill has worn off?”
“No one can know that, Adam. Are you doubting this already? Don’t you want me now? Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me?”
“I do, Hamish, don’t you ever doubt that, it’s just… Why does this have to be so fucking difficult?” Adam says, walking away from Hamish.
“Adam?” Hamish comes to stand behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder.
“Fuck off. Just leave me alone, alright?” Adam says, brushing past Hamish to shut himself in his bedroom.
The door slams shut, and the flat suddenly feels very empty again. A chill goes up Hamish’s spine when he hears something smashing.
“Are you giving up on me already?” Hamish says, staring after him, afraid this is all going to be over before it’s even begun.
With a sigh, Hamish returns to the couch, curling up to watch some TV as a distraction. He doesn’t dare enter the bedroom, instead contenting himself with watching TV while he waits for Adam to emerge on his own. Hamish doesn’t want to push him before he’s ready.
In the bedroom, the shattered remains of the vase lie on the floor- aptly symbolic of his life. At least he knows that part of his life is over now. The vase is one of the few things left over from his previous relationship. They’d been together for years, it had gotten to the point where he found it hard to believe he’d ever be with anyone else, and then it had ended, and she’d left him alone in his flat. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thrown it out earlier, or, indeed, why it had been left behind in the first place. He had no use for it. He isn’t a flowers type person anyway. You buy them and then watch them slowly die. What’s the point? Better to enjoy them when they’re alive and still in the ground.
He looks at the broken glass again. He hadn’t meant to smash it. He’d stormed into his room, slamming the door behind him, angry at himself for not being able to articulate his thoughts into coherent speech. He was trying to tell Hamish what he’s wanted to tell him for the last few weeks, but every time he tries, the words just won’t come out properly. He let off his anger by throwing a cushion across the room. It just happened to collide with the vase, sending it smashing to the floor. He feels a small pang of regret at seeing it smashed so, but really, he’s glad it’s smashed. Finally, he has an excuse to get rid of it. He hadn’t really liked it anyway, but who was he to deny her when she wanted it so much?
Standing by the window, staring out at the grey city all around him, he wonders how they’d gotten to this state. Things had started out so beautiful and fragile, much like that vase, but it had taken little to send them both crashing to the ground. How had things gone so horribly wrong? Just as he finds someone he never wants to let go of, he finds himself running away faster than his brain can explain why. Why is he running from something his heart wants more than he can say?
Adam sits on his bed in the darkness, not sure what it is exactly he’s feeling. He looks towards the door when he hears the TV before quickly ignoring it. He buries his face in his hands, trying to fight away the overwhelming feeling of numbness that’s crept up on him.
“Fuck. I hate this fear. There’s no one else I want in my life. If I knew no one was going to care, everything would be fine. Why doesn’t he understand how hard this is for me?” he says in the same quiet voice, angrily hitting the bed with a clenched fist.
He sighs. He’s scared. The last few months have brought up a cacophony of emotions he’d never expected he’d ever have to deal with. Brand new territory. Every time he looks at his lover – is that even the right word? – a part of him knows it’s right, that their love is right, but he’s still scared.
He’s in love with another man, a younger man. Is he in love with him? Yes. How can he even doubt that now? He’s never felt like this with another man before in all his life. There’s nothing he doesn’t love about him: his cute smile, his silly hair, his soft lips, how he so often lets Adam take charge, the way he cuddles up to him at night, how he’s taken over the kitchen.
Adam smiles, remembering the first time Hamish had cooked for him. He’d been asleep, only to wake up to find the smell of something wonderful being cooked. Hamish had woken first and had even done some shopping as well. He’d gone and set the table too, oh, it was beautiful. He may not have shown it, but Adam had been thrilled by this small gesture. He hadn’t realised he knew how to cook, and the meal had been delicious. He felt a bit guilty as he wondered how he’d repay him for such a wonderful meal.
As it turned out, he didn’t have to. Hamish insisted on it. It was his contribution, he said, since he was living with him now. He’d pay rent as well, but cooking was his gift, it seemed. And Adam was more than willing to let him take over the kitchen. He couldn’t have stopped him even if he wanted to. Hamish refused to let Adam talk him out of it.
That steadfast refusal and determination to disobey is something Adam loves about Hamish. Playful and hardly ever serious, Hamish often comes across as somewhat childlike, but Adam knows there’s a more serious side hidden away underneath that cheerful persona. He’s seen it. Still, sometimes he feels he really is looking after a child, and at that thought, he reminds himself he almost is. Hamish isn’t that young, that would be wrong, but every now and then, their age difference feels blatantly obvious.
Hamish looks up to him, willing him to guide him, to walk with him through life. Sometimes, Adam feels Hamish has become too dependant on him, but then Hamish does something to change his mind, leaving Adam slightly confused but satisfied he’s still capable of looking after himself. Adam wonders if it’s just him being overprotective. He does look out for him, and Hamish does seem quite willing to let Adam take charge and make decisions for them. And if Adam refuses something Hamish wants, all he has to do is beg and Adam’s refusal melts away. The way he looks at him gets him every time, those blue-grey eyes of his so innocent, so pleading, and the way he asks, “Please, Adam, I’m begging you” – he’s always serious in spite of the small grin crossing his lips, Adam finds it hard to resist him, and finds himself hard as a result. It’s quite the turn on, Adam discovers.
At this, Adam’s thoughts return to the kiss that had triggered the events of the last few months. It had all been so quick, all over before he had time to process his actions. Yet, he never regretted it. He remembers that first night they spent together, drunk as they were, how it changed everything, then the lonely weeks wondering if it hadn’t all been a big mistake before they were finally brought together at last.
He sighs dejectedly, taking a handful of roasted peanuts and throwing them into his mouth. They help calm him, in spite of the tears making their way down his cheeks quickly brushed away with the back of his hand. He glances at the closed door in front of him, shutting out whatever Hamish is doing on the other side of it. He can still hear the TV blaring, though he isn’t sure what’s on. He doesn’t care anyway.
He stands up, pacing around his room, not sure what to do. After a few minutes’ pacing, he decides to have a shower, help wash the anger away. It’s one time he’s glad his bedroom opens onto the bathroom so he doesn’t have to see Hamish. Shutting himself in, he stands under the hot water, letting his doubts, his fears, his anger wash away.
Everything happens for a reason, does it? How else to explain why I’m so obsessed with him? I want him. I want him by my side, my arms around him, never without him. I can’t remember ever being so in love with anyone else before. I can’t hide what I feel for him. I don’t want to hide what I feel for him. Does it matter what anyone else thinks?
He sighs, his eyes gazing out the dirty window and the orange light competing with the artificial light in the bathroom. He rests an arm against the sill, lost in thought again.
I’d be lying to myself if I had to pretend to be anything else to him except his lover. Is there anything left to do but embrace our love, world be damned? I won’t lose him now. I refuse to let other people dictate who I can and can’t love. If they hate me for it, so be it. I can live without their approval.
I have to. I mustn’t be afraid. I need to be strong for him. I won’t give him up for anyone, no matter what anyone says or does. I’ve never done this before, but I’d rather die than live without him. I’ll find the strength to do this, even if it kills me.
His gaze leaves the window and catches sight of the single yellow daisy in a glass sitting on the bench top. He pushes the shower curtain open to get a better look at it, reaching out to grab the flower. He’d never understood the point of flowers, but he’d been walking around the park one morning and that flower had caught his eye. It reminded him of Hamish for some reason. He wasn’t sure why, but he picked it and took it home with him without even thinking twice about it.
He hadn’t meant for Hamish to see it, but he didn’t have a chance to hide it before he’d spotted it. He felt a bit silly for bringing a flower home because it reminded him of Hamish, it seemed rather girly to him once he’d realised he’d actually picked it and had brought it home. Still, he wasn’t sure if Hamish had really appreciated it or whether he was just pretending to so he didn’t upset him. Somehow, the bathroom seemed the right place for it.
He puts the daisy back in its glass, turns the shower off, and wraps a towel around his waist. He stares at his reflection, unable to see himself without Hamish. There he is, standing behind him, his arms loosely around him, his head slumped against his shoulder. He sighs, watching the image vanish. He picks up the small flower again, gazing at the bright yellow petals and the dark brown centre. How very like Hamish this insignificant flower is: bright and cheery on the outside, but dark and serious on the inside. He sighs, crushing the flower in his hand, and throws it away, trying not to cry. He doesn’t want to look at it anymore.
He retreats into his bedroom, discarding the towel but not bothering to pull any clothes on, curling up under the covers in his bed, wishing he could just settle his worried mind enough to give all of himself to Hamish. His worry is nothing but a distraction, intruding into his mind. He pulls the pillow against his chest, staring out at nothing, his mind unable to rest. He stays there in the silence, trying to rationalise the love that’s taken over his life.
Out in the living room, Hamish gets up off the couch, sick of watching inane television. He wanders around the room, stopping in the bathroom door. He’d heard the shower running before, though the bathroom is vacant now. The city lights shine dimly through the large dirty window above the bath. Hamish stands in the bathroom doorway, the memories of their time together running through his head. The first time they’d showered together, the time Adam had given him a bath when he’d got caught in the rain and he’d warmed him up oh so wonderfully, that time when they…
Hamish smiles. All the memories are here. That dirty window seems oddly symbolic now. There isn’t much light getting through that window; much like there isn’t much coming through from his lover.
The bathroom is dark now, the tap dripping slowly, the towels drying on the rail, everything set in its place as it should be. Looking around, he spots the small yellow daisy lying crumpled on the floor. Feeling slightly crushed at seeing it discarded, he walks into the room, picking up the flower. A finger gently brushes the broken petals, his mind wondering what had caused Adam to crush it.
Surely this doesn’t mean – no, he would’ve said something, wouldn’t he? Don’t you go and do something stupid, Adam. I don’t want to lose you, not now, not after everything we’ve been through to get here.
Hamish shakes himself of such thoughts. “No, there’s nothing foreboding about this. It’s just a stupid crushed daisy, for crying out loud,” he says quietly. He’s surprised at his sentimental attachment to it. Perhaps that flower means something after all. Well, he had been touched when Adam had shown him the flower. He smiles, remembering the morning Adam had brought it home.
He had started making breakfast when Adam had returned with the flower. Hamish had teased him about it, though he did think it was sweet of him.
“What’s this? You bring me not a bunch of red roses but a small yellow daisy? I’m heartbroken,” Hamish had said with a laugh, grabbing the flower from his grasp before Adam could stop him.
“It’s stupid, I know. I don’t know why I picked it. It just reminded me of you. It’s just a stupid daisy,” Adam had said, embarrassed, not bothering to snatch it back.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I think it’s cute. A little silly, sure, but cute nonetheless,” Hamish had said.
Hamish had pulled him into a kiss, wanting to reassure him he wasn’t actually mad at him. With a smile, he’d left the flower in a glass of water as he’d joined him at the table for breakfast.
Smiling at the memory, he looks down at the crushed flower in his hand. His fingers close around it, almost as if he doesn’t want to throw it away. He turns back to the living room, his eyes drawn to the TV again. He sits down on the couch, watching whatever’s on at that moment, something about an owner and their disobedient puppy. The voices drone on, becoming nothing more than background noise, the flower still clutched in his hand.
He isn’t sure why he’s still holding the flower. Every now and then, he glances down at it, seeing it crushed and wondering what had caused Adam to do so. He’s almost sad to see it like this, the petals bent and torn, the centre ripped apart, the stem broken. It’s just a small stupid daisy, but Hamish is surprised at how much it suddenly means to him.
He sits in front of the TV, his mind not wanting to think about their argument. Well, it wasn’t exactly an argument, more a disagreement. Maybe more of a… Hamish can’t think of the right word. They hadn’t yelled or anything, but Adam was clearly scared and upset. He’d tried to get him to talk about it, but he’d stormed off and shut himself in his room.
His life had gotten so complicated these past few months, all because of a stupid kiss. He’d never asked for any of this to happen, hell, his girlfriend had dumped him because she suspected he didn’t care for her anymore, but even if he could go back and change things, he knew he’d do it exactly the same way. He’d still abandon her, let his heart embrace this man he’d looked up to for so long, he’d still be sitting here confused, working out what the last few weeks had been exactly.
No relationship he’d ever been in feels as right as this one does, but a part of him worries. He’d never expected to fall in love with a man, but he had. He can’t change that. It’d be too hard to change that. He feels like he’d die if he lost him now. They’ve been together almost a month and the strength of their bond astounds him. In such a short amount of time, they’ve become inseparable. He even carries a small photograph of them both with him everywhere, a small reminder of home.
But, this relationship feels so very different from the rest. How do you have a relationship like this with another man? He isn’t sure if what he’s doing is right, despite Adam’s reassurance. The only thing he knows for certain is that he wants to be with Adam. Of that he’s sure. Everything else seems less significant, less important, in that light. Does it matter what he is, as long as he has Adam by his side? Not really.
He isn’t sure why he really isn’t bothered by this, but he never dwells on it long. Perhaps it’s because he found it hard to consider himself gay, since Adam’s the only guy he’ll ever want. The only guy he’ll ever want? Hamish decides not to make a firm call on that. If he’s still with Adam in a year’s time, and they don’t hate each other, he’ll consider himself very lucky. But, still, he doesn’t quite think that qualifies as gay, only being attracted to one man. Yet, at the same time, it is another man he’s fallen so in love with, and for some reason that makes him wonder why, of all the people in the world to fall for, it had to be a guy, and it had to be him.
His thoughts again turn to Adam shut in his bedroom. A part of him wants to go and see if Adam’s alright, but another part says he should just sit tight and wait for Adam to sort himself out. If he doesn’t want to talk, he won’t, not til he’s ready.
Hamish hasn’t seen him for a while now. He remembers hearing something smashing, though it’s the only sound he’s heard since Adam retreated into his bedroom. Several times, he gets up and walks over to the bedroom, placing a hand on the door as if to enter, only to walk back over to the couch and sit down again, frustrated.
He’d gotten hungry and had made them both some dinner. Still not seeing any sign of Adam, Hamish decides to bring his dinner to him. If anything, he’d be doing something instead of moping around doing nothing. Walking over to the bedroom, bringing their meals in on a tray, he opens the door into the dark room, seeing Adam curled up under the covers. He sets the tray down on the bedside table before crawling into bed next to him, bringing him round to face him. He smiles, wiping a tear away from Adam’s eye.
“Hey,” Hamish says.
“Sorry,” Adam says.
“Doesn’t matter,” Hamish says. “Still love you.”
Adam smiles at him, brushing a finger down his lover’s cheek. “Love you too,” he says.
“I brought dinner,” Hamish says.
“Good thing I’m hungry then,” Adam says.
Adam sits up as Hamish hands him his dinner. Nothing more needs to be said. They both understand what those few words really mean. They eat their dinner in relative quiet. Adam waits patiently as Hamish cleans up in the kitchen, lost in his own thoughts. When Hamish returns, they exchange a gentle kiss, and they lie there in each other’s arms in the silence, knowing everything’s alright again, at least for the moment. Hamish snuggles into Adam, resting his head against his chest. Adam strokes his hair gently, one arm wrapped protectively around him. Hamish lies there listening to the sound of Adam’s heart beating, knowing he’s exactly where he wants to be.