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杀,或被杀 ; kill, or be killed

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sometimes, just sometimes, seongwoo thinks he’s the last person standing on earth. i mean, you can already see how dumb that is. They couldn’t have killed everyone…yet, right? but seongwoo can see how that might happen eventually.

 

so, he’s probably not the last person on earth, as much as he would like to be, for some terrifying reason, i, the narrator am unaware of.

 

 

ミ☆  ミ★  ミ☆  ミ★

 

…wait, you thought i was seongwoo? that you’re in his mind, seeing what he sees, experiencing what he’s doing? what the heck man, that’s invading someone else’s privacy. i mean, knowing seongwoo, he’s most likely going to get killed for taking personal hygiene to extremes than be killed by a drone, y’know? still, what the heck man. anyways, moving on, back to seongwoo,,

 

ミ☆  ミ★  ミ☆  ミ★

 

 

seongwoo has many thoughts that fill his head, such as ones about hwang minhyun, ones about daehwi, his little brother, ones that cause him to think hard and solve problems, and finally, ones that he has now – late night thoughts that make him go “oh my god i’m actually screwed”

 

and he has to remind himself to breathe, to calm down, to not let the wave of panic overtake him, lest he loses his focus and something attacks him. he reminds himself to take a deep breath in and to calm down, to will his heart to continue beating, when his brain overthinks and keeps repeating like a scratched cd

 

alone, alone, alone, ong seongwoo, you’re alone

 

that’s his name, ong seongwoo.

 

not gong seongwoo, not hong seongwoo, not oong seongwoo, and definitely not ong seongwoon, but ong seongwoo.

 

seongwoo had had a previous hope, kinda small and insignificant compared to now, but still nevertheless a wish; to find someone with the same surname as him. and now? his hopes might as well be tossed into a burning fire in front of his eyes. even if he lives past the apocalypse, will there even be another ong other than him? he thinks the fuck not.

 

on his eleventh birthday, his parents had gifted him with a telescope. and on a crisp, clear night, he had set it up with his father on the grassy field 2 hours away from seoul and had seen the stars clearly for the first time. he had seen the summer triangle asterism, the lookalike to the moles on his face.

 

he had asked his father then, why was it called a summer triangle? his father wasn’t sure. but since then, whenever seongwoo looked through the telescope, he always searches for the summer triangle asterism first.

 

but now, seongwoo thinks that the stars look a lot closer. close enough to touch, to see their wonder through his own eyes, rather than a telescope. he thinks that sounds crazy. is he crazy? has he lost his mind? but you can only can someone crazy if there’s someone normal. like good and evil. if everything was good, then nothing would be good.

 

seongwoo thinks that he can call himself crazy, since there’s someone he can compare to: himself. not the seongwoo he is now, but the innocent thirteen-year-old seongwoo whose biggest problem was to keep up his reputation of being funny and have a neverending supply of humor in him. the seongwoo who was just coming to terms that maybe he was only okay, okay at studies, okay at singing, and that hwang minhyun would never notice him. that his only skill was being good at dancing (popping, really).

 

seongwoo thinks he’s probably crazy by old seongwoo’s standards. but old seongwoo is sure crazy by his as well. he screams at him sometimes, when moping over hwang minhyun having another partner is his biggest problem. “why can’t you see what’s coming?” he yells, “don’t you know?

 

but that probably isn’t fair. the fact that he didn’t know, had no way of knowing, was his blessing, and that’s why seongwoo misses him that much, more than ever. when he cries – when he lets himself cry – that’s who he cries for. he doesn’t cry for himself, he cries for the seongwoo that’s gone.

 

and he wonders,

 

wonders what that seongwoo would think of him,

 

the seongwoo that kills.

 

 

ミ☆  ミ★  ミ☆  ミ★