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Friday

11:23pm: hey :)
11:24pm: ...hello.
11:24pm: lol where did you go? I got you a drink
11:25pm: Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
11:26pm: haha no it’s the guy with blue hair from the bar. we only met like 5 mins ago. I will be heartbroken if you forgot me already!
11:26pm: Yeah, sorry dude. Definitely wrong number.
11:27pm: what?
11:28pm: The girl you’re looking for gave you the wrong number. Have a good night, man. I need to sleep now.
11:30pm: sorry

Saturday

12:01am: wait why are you sleeping so early? it’s friday night!
12:02am: It’s Saturday now. And still wrong number.
12:02am: no I meant you. how come you aren’t out?

12:27am: hello?
12:27am: Oh my god. Go away.
12:28am: that’s unkind :(
12:28am: I’m sleeping! And I don’t know who you are!
12:28am: I’m teddy
12:29am: I don’t care.
12:30am: you’re kind of cranky
12:30am: A random stranger is texting me at midnight and I have to be up at 5am. Why on earth would I be cranky?
12:31am: lol do you want me to go away?
12:31am: Scroll up. I literally said that.
12:32am: in my defence
12:32am: I'm very drunk
12:33am: That’s a terrible defence.
12:34am: fine. goodnight, cranky stranger who spends their Friday nights sleeping instead of being fun

5:31am: I hope you have a huge hangover today.
5:36am: aw I knew you wanted to talk to me
5:39am: Why are you awake??
5:42am: I haven’t slept yet lol big night
5:49am: That’s insane.
5:51am: lol yeah. why are YOU awake?
5:52am: Work.
5:59am: what? it’s saturday. what do you do?
6:02am: None of your business
6:10am: lol whatever. enjoy your day, cranky pants!

1:22pm: Do you really have blue hair?

4:02pm: sorry I was asleep
4:02pm: yes I do
4:02pm: who is this?
4:06pm: oh wait I remember you! sorry about all that last night/this morning
4:22pm: All good. I’m also sorry for my tired/unkind self. I’m not usually so unpleasant.
4:29pm: nah it's all good. some creep was harassing you. i’d be the same lol
4:30pm: also it wasn’t a girl
4:41pm: Huh?
4:42pm: the person who gave me the wrong/fake number (fake is looking more likely, judging from how very not-charming I remember being). it wasn’t a girl
4:45pm: Oh, right. Cool.
4:47pm: yeah just wanted to clarify
4:49pm: Not really necessary. We don’t know each other.
4:53pm: sure we do. you already know more about me than most people
4:54pm: Do I?
4:56pm: you know my name and that I have blue hair and you know I can’t pull at a bar and have a slight tendency to overshare with strangers
4:59pm: I can’t decide if you sound very sad or vaguely mysterious.
5:03pm: sad, definitely lol
5:03pm: what’s your name?
5:10pm: Why?
5:12pm: we’re getting to know each other
5:14pm: Why?
5:15pm: that’s what you do when you make new friends
5:20pm: We’re not friends.
5:22pm: lol yes we are
5:24pm: You can’t just decide someone is your friend.
5:25pm: why not? how do you make friends?
5:28pm: I don’t.
5:34pm: you don’t have friends? is that why you’re so cranky?
5:36pm: I have plenty of friends but I didn’t make them by just announcing via text that we are mates.
5:37pm: ah, well that’s how I do it, cranky pants. so tell me about yourself.
5:40pm: No. You could be a murderer.
5:40pm: that’s true
5:45pm: No denial?
5:46pm: I could be a lot of things but you’ll never know coz you don’t want to be friends
5:49pm: Well, I could be a fifty four year old creep with bad skin and a comb over.
5:50pm: that’s oddly specific
5:51pm: I can see someone who looks like that right now
5:52pm: lol well i don’t judge so I would still be friends with someone even if they had bad hair and bad skin.
5:56pm: And if they were a creep?
6:00pm: I mean, you haven't asked for nudes yet so i’ve sort of decided you’re not one
6:01pm: That’s foolishly trusting of you.
6:03pm: lol yeah being foolishly trusting is kinda my thing
6:04pm: Okay well this has been fun but I have a thing now and won’t be able to touch my phone for a few hours.
6:05pm: sounds important
6:05pm: are you someone important?
6:06pm: Hah. No.
6:07pm: well have fun. I’m going to the pub to watch the Chelsea/Tottenham game with a mate.
6:08pm: Ah, I see. Hope it’s a good game.
6:09pm: you don’t watch football?
6:10pm: I do. As I said, I have a thing so I can’t watch it on telly tonight.
6:12pm: I’ll let you know how it goes
6:12pm: Haha. Okay, thanks.

7:59pm: YOU ARE MISSING AN INSANE GAME OMG
8:00pm: THERE IS SO MUCH TENSION ON THE FIELD RIGHT NOW
8:10pm: I CAN'T
8:12pm: MCMANUS IS SUCH A CUNT
8:13pm: WHOOPS SORRY I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT WORD
832pm: I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS THOUGH, MYSTERY FRIEND. SO. MANY. FEELINGS.
8:35pm: IF JACKSON DOESN'T GET RED CARDED IM DONE
8:39pm: FUCK
8:40pm: OMG
8:45pm: HOLY SHIT
8:47pm: okay I’m done
8:48pm: JESUS CHRIST CRANKY PANTS
8:48pm: THERE WAS A FIGHT BETWEEN MCMANUS AND LEOPOLD
8:49pm: okay now I'm done
9:30pm: my team lost
9:31pm: I’m fine
9:32pm: I'm not sobbing into my pint
9:32pm: that would be sad and not mysterious of me at all
9:34pm: I hope your thing is fun!

10:52pm: My thing was a lot of fun, thanks.
10:52pm: Sorry your team lost.
10:53pm: McManus is a bit of a cunt, though. I agree.
10:53pm: Shit, don’t repeat that.
10:56pm: ayyyyyyyyyy cranky pants! How you doing?
10:56pm: nah I’d never repeat anything you say! friends keep secrets!
10:59pm: Thanks.
11:01pm: you don’t sound very sorry about my team losing though.
11:03pm: Ah, yeah. Well to be honest I’m more of a Chelsea fan myself so I was pretty happy with the result tonight.
11:04pm: omg
11:04pm: I’m reevaluating this whole friendship
11:06pm: Take your time. We go such a long way back, after all.
11:07pm: wait wait wait what
11:07pm: my head is spinning
11:07pm: you shared something about yourself AND you made a joke?!
11:08pm: is this really cranky pants or did someone kidnap you?
11:08pm: text three dots if you need help
11:08pm: text an eggplant emoji if they’ve got you all bound and tied up
11:08pm: that sounded dirtier than it was meant to
11:10pm: How could I text if I was tied up?
11:12pm: I bet I could do it
11:12pm: I’m very impressive
11:12pm: I can’t tell you all my secrets at once though
11:14pm: What are you doing tonight? I’m surprised you weren’t in bed at 730 after watching jeopardy and eating a microwave dinner
11:18pm: Well, I am fifty four, after all. What do you expect?
11:19pm: lol. Stop making jokes. you are ruining the image I have of you in my head.
11:22pm: What does the image look like?
11:23pm: It's like
11:23pm: An unsmiling, genderless blob. It’s wearing a Chelsea jersey, though. Actually it's kind of smirking smugly every time it makes a joke now. It changes as I learn things about you.
11:25pm: Surprisingly accurate.
11:26pm: I’m a guy, by the way. I shouldn’t have assumed you knew that.
11:27pm: I try never to assume
11:27pm: and hey I just realised I know 2 more things about you
11:30pm: Two?
11:35pm: yeah- you’re a dude and you’re not homophobic. You didn’t stop texting me after I said I was trying to pick up a guy last night. 50 friendship points to you. you’re already better than half the mates I used to have
11:38pm: Oh, right. Yeah. Definitely not homophobic.
11:39pm: Though you haven’t given me much choice in the whole texting matter, to be honest. You’re relentless.
11:39pm: Sorry about your mates. What are friendship points?
11:42pm: Don't be sorry. I’m not. And idk what they are. I just made them up
11:42pm: but now you have 50 of them
11:42pm: if you get to 1000 you get a prize
11:44pm: I’ll keep it in mind. I do like to win.
11:45pm: Headed to bed. These exchanges have been strange and mildly intriguing. Goodnight, Teddy with blue hair.
11:51pm: goodnight future best friend ily!
11:52pm: Oh my god.

Sunday

12:32pm: Do you like Star Wars?
12:35pm: I have no strong feelings about it, positive or negative.
12:37pm: That’s not helpful
12:37pm: I’m trying to prove a point
12:40pm: What point could you possibly be trying to prove?
12:42pm: my best friend is being difficult
12:43pm: so I’m trying to prove her wrong
12:43pm: she thinks phantom menace is the best movie in the whole franchise series
12:43pm: wtf right? who even liked that one??
12:52pm: Well, I’m on your side.
12:53pm: thank you!
12:54pm: I’ve never technically seen any of them but I’m attempting to be supportive.
12:55pm: what?
12:57pm: What?
12:58pm: you’ve never seen star wars????????
12:58pm: do you mean just the newer ones???
1:00pm: I haven’t seen any of them. I don’t have a lot of time for movies. My schedule is usually pretty crazy.
1:03pm: I am so confused
1:03pm: no time for movies?!?!?!
1:04pm: what do you even do for fun?
1:10pm: I’m very active. I like to exercise and play sports.
1:12pm: gross
1:14pm: Did you just call me gross?
1:15pm: you exercise for fun. Idk how else to respond to that
1:20pm: I’m wildly offended.
1:23pm: so am I. I do not approve of your lifestyle
1:30pm: Don’t joke about that.
1:33pm: what?
1:34pm: Nothing.
1:34pm: So how is proving your best friend wrong going?
1:40pm: UGH she’s impossible
1:40pm: I think she’s just trying to rile me up
1:40pm: its working though
1:40pm: I stopped texting her
1:41pm: we have movie nights every sunday night and I really wanted to start rewatching Star Wars
1:41pm: but she’s being like this
1:41pm: because she's the worst
1:42pm: wait scratch that. she just texted and said she is bringing cake home after work
1:42pm: all is forgiven
1:45pm: You really aren’t scared to double text, are you?
1:51pm: lol nah. If I wanna talk to someone I just do it
1:52pm: And then there’s the foolishly trusting thing, of course.
1:55pm: lol yeah
1:58pm: what are your plans tonight anyway?
2:11pm: I’m about to go for a run. I’m also supposed to go to my Gran’s for dinner tonight. It’s my own Sunday tradition with my family.
2:13pm: you don’t sound excited to see them
2:15pm: It’s fine.
2:16pm: but…?
2:18pm: Headed out, now. Want to get in at least ten miles before it starts to storm.
2:20pm: very smooth change of subject. okay I’ll leave it.
2:22pm: if you’re expecting a storm does that mean you're in London too?
2:23pm: that’s where I live
2:24pm: please don't be a murderer lol

7:39pm: I am in London, yes. You’re giving too much away, though. I’m sure there aren’t many Teddys with blue hair in London.
7:42pm: let's make a pact
7:42pm: let’s both agree we never murder the other
7:43pm: or kidnap or anything else terrible
7:43pm: even though I know basically nothing about you
7:43pm: except that you exercise for fun
7:44: You really can’t forget that, can you?
7:45pm: I wish I could. It makes me sad for you. I thought about you running sadly all afternoon.
7:46pm: I’m touched. But I only ended up going for 8 miles so it didn’t take me long.
7:47pm: “only”
7:47pm: Haha. So can you define what would be considered terrible?
7:48pm: why? what are you planning?
7:48pm: Nothing but I think it’s important to clarify these points. Especially if we’re going to be friends.
7:49pm: omg
7:49pm: :) :) :)
7:49pm: I knew I would win you over
7:49pm: was it my charming personality that did it?
7:50pm: I didn’t say we were yet.
7:51pm: potato, potahto.
7:51pm: wait what happened to family dinner?
7:52pm: I’m there now.
7:53pm: ah. going well then? You’re replying extra fast tonight so must be really enjoying their company.
7:54pm: I love my family, but they’re
7:54pm: a lot
7:55pm: like, they’re full on?
7:56pm: Well yes, but also, there are literally a lot of them. It’s very chaotic.
7:57pm: you don't like that?
7:58pm: It’s just hard at the moment. There is some tension between my father and I.
7:59pm: I’m sorry
8:00pm: It’s fine. A lot of it is my fault because I struggle to communicate.
8:01pm: what?? you?? but you’re so open and willing to share so much???
8:02pm: Very funny.
8:02pm: He just has
8:02pm: certain expectations of me
8:03pm: and I know I can’t live up to them.
8:03pm: We used to be close but now there is this huge distance between us.
8:03pm: Fuck, this is why I don’t drink. Please disregard all of that. Three beers and I’m pouring my heart out, Jesus Christ.
8:04pm: I will not disregard and as your future best friend I want you to know I have your back, and I have no expectations of you of any kind. you can be whoever or whatever you want to when you talk to me.
8:05pm: except a murderer. that’s a hard limit for me.
8:07pm: That is honestly one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.
8:07pm: Talking to you is very refreshing.
8:07pm: Fifty friendship points to you.
8:08pm: hooray! I have to go, I’m watching star wars and my best friend is getting mad that I’m on my phone.
8:08pm: I hope your night improves.
8:10pm: Thanks, Teddy with blue hair from London.
8:11pm: no worries, male blob wearing a Chelsea jersey and a smug grin who is probably out for a run in London or doing something else gross right now.
8:12pm: I’m rolling my eyes at you.

8:22pm: FYI. My name is James :)