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The Missing Pep Rally

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Twerking. That was the brilliant lesson plan that Mr. Schue had just written across the hallowed New Directions Whiteboard. Utter chaos broke out as the majority of the group started cheering and twerking in celebration. "Wow, I'm glad that you all are so excited for this week's lesson!" Schue exclaimed, but his words has fallen on deaf ears. The twerking celebrations had not stopped, and they were steadily approaching dangerous territory. Blaine had his hands against the wall, twerking with all his might, while Tina stood nearby gazing at him with a disturbing expression of lust. On the other side of the room, Quinn, Santana, and Brittany were happily twerking alongside each other while the guys seemed quite content to watch. Even Mike and Rory were hesitantly shaking it while Mercedes gave them twerking tips. Rachel and Joe seemed to be the only ones unaffected by this twerktaster. Mr. Schue knew what he had to do. He signaled to one of the ever-present, never-speaking band kids, and they blasted out some obnoxious note on the trumpet to get everyone to shut up. It worked. "DAMM! I forgot we even had a band" commented Puck, to which everybody mutually nodded to in understanding. Mr. Schue began to speak. "Anyways guys, TWERKING! We are going to pay homage to Nicki Minaj's smash hit Anaconda by tackling the twerk! If you guys look good enough, I'll even let you perform it at the pep rally!" The words "pep rally" brought up a wave of horrifying flashbacks of the monstrosity that was "Push It", and everyone knew that Mr. Schue must be REALLY enthusiastic about Minaj if he was willing to risk a repeat. "Who wants to be a model twerker?" Mr. Schue asked, but before that question could even be answered Rachel was already raising her hand high and interrupting. "Mr. Schue, if I may? Twerking is an obscene, tasteless dance, and I will NOT participate in this, this dance PORN at this week's pep rally! Plus, I'm in the celibacy club now! Twerking can wait until marriage!" "Yeah, and besides, I have a feeling that my man J.C. wouldn't approve of twerking. The body is a TEMPLE" Joe piped in. Of course, everyone else looked at the two with barely concealed outrage. Quinn stood up with a huff. "Rachel, I'm the FOUNDER of the celibacy club and I know the value of a good twerk. Don't you remember our motto? 'It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing?'" This caused Rachel to reluctantly sit down, muttering about how none of this matters anyway because none of them can work their voices like they work those asses. Like usual, Mr. Schue chose to pretend that the past five minutes simply didn't happen and allowed Brittany, Mercedes, and surprisingly, Blaine, to demonstrate twerking to the class. Then someone started singing Bootylicious, and everyone twerked til they dropped.

After a week of twerking madness, it was finally pep rally day. Mr. Schue was proud of how well the glee club had done at twerking. Even Rachel and Joe joined in after they just couldn't resist how fun it looked(well, Joe joined in for fun. Rachel seemed to have some ulterior motives involving one tall quarterback...). For their last class period before the pep rally, Mr. Schue decided to let the kids take a break from twerking. As fun as it had been, he was also starting to have enough. Like Kurt and Blaine, who were currently draped over each other while staring at something on Kurt's phone. Now, Mr. Schue had no problem with their relationship, he wasn't homophobic by any means, but sometimes they were a bit...well you know. During the week of twerking, Kurt had made no secret of his appreciation for Blaine's ass and was caught slapping it or squeezing it far too often to be appropriate for a classroom setting. And they were always missing from his Spanish class next block, and Mr. Schue didn't even want to think about what that meant. Anyways, soon the twerking would be over with and Mr. Schue could go back to good old Journey songs. Though at this rate he was going to have to steal another band's song and tell the kids it was from Journey, because he truly had squeezed every single drop of music out of that group. The booming crackle of Figgin's voice alerted the school to start preparing to dismiss for the pep rally, and New Directions began to scramble for their costumes.

"Guys can I go back to the choir room I forgot my banana?" "STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!" "Where did the snake go? WHERE DID THE SNAKE GO?" "I wonder what Jesus would do right now" "WHERE THE HELL ARE KURT AND BLAINE" "FOR FUCK'S SAKE NOT AGAIN!" "GO AWAY RACHEL!" These are some of the voices that could be heard backstage at the pep rally. Like usually, the New Directions were a royal fucking mess and had managed to somehow lose two members, lose a live anaconda, and start at least two relationship drama fueled fights on the way to the gym. Currently, the most pressing issue was probably the missing anaconda slithering around god knows where in Mckinley High. "I TOLD YOU that we should've just used a boa scarf!" yelled Santana, ever the voice of reason. "But what about our CREATIVE INTEGRITY?!" replied Artie. "If I can't twerk, I'm gonna have my damm snake". Seeing her boyfriend and lady lover fight saddened Brittany, and she went over to stop the violence. Everyone froze when they noticed the slithering shape under her shirt. "Brittany, is the anaconda in your SHIRT?!" Mercedes exclaimed. "What's an anaconda? I just saw this thing sliding around on the floor, and it reminded me of a necklace so I put it on my neck but then it started looking at my chest so I decided to be nice and give it a peek". Well, at least one mystery was solved. Artie quickly retrieved the anaconda and began to possesively hold it across his chest. Soon, the second problem was solved with Kurt and Blaine running in with incredibly rumpled clothing and red faces. Puck just said "classy" and reached out to fistbump Kurt, then everybody went back to what they were doing like this was a completely normal occurence. Probably because it was. After a few middle fingers were flipped and some insults were dealt, the various relationship drama had (mostly) resolved itself too. Right on time, the dull voice of Figgins began to spread across the gym. "Attention all Mckinley High students and staff. I just have a few announcements before we begin the pep rally. First, I must warn you all that our water fountains have recently began spouting liquid mercury instead of water. Please do not drink the liquid mercury. Second of all, I'd like to remind you all that the many conveniently located empty classrooms DO have security cameras, please stop having sexual relations in there. Thank you, I will now introduce Mckinley's own New Directions!"

My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
As Finn's awkward cover of Nicki Minaj began to waft over the gym, Artie spun around to reveal his anaconda while Mercedes and Tina twerked next to him a la Push It. The student body erupted into cheers, and Jacob Ben Israel once again appeared to be on the verge of orgasm due to his lack of exposure to the female body. Then, Santana predictably started the first verse, rapping about her "boy toy named Troy" while dropping it like it's hot. As the group continued to twerk across the stage, Mercedes took the "by the way, what he say?" verse and the New Directions proceeded to form a twerking circle, or 'twerkle' around her. When they got to the "oh my gosh, look at her butt", everyone paired up and had one person show off their ass while another stood nearby and gestured around it. Some pairings were obvious, like Blaine and Kurt, Santana and Brittany, Rachel and Finn, Tina and Mike, even Sugar and Artie. But some pairings were just fucking WEIRD, like Sam and Puck(seriously, why?), Mercedes and Quinn(Quinn was curently in an independent women phase after the Finchel and Puck debacles though, so maybe that was a little more reasonable), and Rory and Joe(it's exactly as awkward as it sounds). Luckily Mckinley High was spared of these images as the next verse started, rapped by...Rachel? Everyone held on to the edge of the bleachers in anticipation, waiting to see if she would say That...and she DID! The Rachel Berry had just said, in front of the entire Mckinley student body AND staff, the phrase "dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking 'bout Eiffel". At this point Jacob Ben Israel had essentially creamed his pants, and Sue Sylvester's mouth had dropped lower than thought to be humanly possible. But alas, the New Directions twerked their way to the end of the song and were treated with a standing ovation. Everyone loves twerking! And snakes! And Nicki Minaj! Well except Sue, who pulled a megaphone out of her tracksuit pocket(no one knows how she manages to fit it there everyday) and commanded everyone to "get the hell out of my auditorium!" Mr. Schue couldn't have been more proud of the New Directions.