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Oh My Darling, How I Miss You

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His most recent album, Last Moon, is comprised of 13 songs, the lyrics of which I will analyze here. 

In general, the album goes through several emotions; grief at Kami's death, regret and anger that he could not prevent it nor be there for him when Kami needed him; wrestling with his own depression at being left alone to live a full life without the one he loves, and a desperation to be forgiven for his perceived sins. Through Gackt's use of archaic and poetic Japanese vocabulary, he paints a sorrowful picture of the life he feels that he leads now, walking the world alone without Kami by his side. For fans of his, the album was no doubt a heartbreaking examination of his innermost feelings. It's hard to listen to these songs and not be able to read into them. 

1. Arrow

Holding our dreams
I pulled your disintegrating body close
May my prayer reach you
Rest in peace
It ends like this
without even being able to say goodbye
So at least, if we are to be reborn
I want to meet you again like on that day

Analysis: Gackt did not hear of Kami’s death until a week after it happened; he was never able to say goodbye. In this song he is directly speaking to Kami and expressing regret for not being there when he died (he was on tour). 

2. Hana Mo Chiyu 

Unending dream
If you are here there is nothing that compares to the night flowers
Each time the season when you disappeared comes around
Ah, the moment burns my heart 

Analysis: the song talks about petals falling in a hurry and his expressing sadness that he cannot stop them, alluding to his own depression. 

3. Returner -Yami no Shuen-

To the point of breaking,
Hold me tightly.
The dream, from which I’ve been waking up, is vanishing,
Your arms and beloved voice is slipping away.
Because I will meet with you again,
Because I made a promise,
With love that would overflow,
Cover me gently –
Let me have eternal sleep.
I can’t see you … 

Analysis: here, he writes about trying to chase after the spirit of a loved one but not being able to catch up; and wondering if he can only be reunited (returned) in death. 

4. Ride or Die

A trembling voice echoed
“I don’t want to vanish like this…”
If even those words of prayer
won’t reach anyone now
then, so I don’t forget you
I’ll wipe away even the
tear stains on your cheeks
So don’t be afraid
because we’ll all be dust someday

Analysis: admittedly this one is harder to pin down as a direct conversation with Kami, but one could argue that his direct “taunting” of death to come for him is a clear challenge, designed to reunite him with Kami in heaven.

5.  Akatsuki Tsukiyo -Day Breakers- 

The dazzling daybreak that comes and goes
Although it’s so lonely that I want to turn away
Even when the rain of sighs begin
Because it will hide my tears
I raise my scarred and wounded hands
Until the day when the dream-like days draw on
The stars sway in the wind
Until the time when we can meet once again
with a smile 

Analysis: in this song, Gackt is directly addressing a corpse, the most direct allusion he has made to a dead lover. Usually he speaks of an angel or a spirit, but here he used the word for corpse (shikabane), which is the more morbid term. 

6. Kugutsu ga Gotoku

Pity- if I feel pity
and pray with my mutilated body
someday I will go to you
As if to atone for the sins I’ve repeated
My mind and body are stolen
by the voice that keeps on echoing in my head
Ah, forgive me
Like a marionette 

Analysis: again, Gackt is making direct allusions to his feelings about Kami’s passing. For a long time, he spoke openly about the idea that missing his funeral and not knowing about his death was a “sin” and whenever he visits his grave (frequently, as we know from multiple talkshows). 

7. Zan

Even the warmth I touched with my fingertips
now just vanishes into reminiscence
Sleepless nights come to call
afraid of the dawn that is a mistake
Even now, you are the only one
I don’t want to give parting words to
At the end of hell
Searching for a place to die

Analysis: Gackt compares the beauty of red flowers to the pain that men go through in life, again making allusions to the pain he has endured after he lost his lover. Walking through hell or battling his sins is a constant theme. 

8. One More Kiss

ONE MORE KISS
At your sigh, I’ll just
Exchange a kiss with you once more
On those lips of yours as you hesitate
There’s no need for doubts
Show me your smile
NO MORE PAIN
I won’t let anyone get between us
I’ll steal you away
No matter how fiercely the rain keeps pouring
I won’t let you go again
Until your tears vanish
Until your pain vanishes

Analysis: here, Gackt sings about taking the pain away from someone who has left him, that he loved very much and loves still. He wishes to be able to kiss them one last time, and to never let them go. Kami died of a brain hemorrhage and suffered headaches. 

9. Wooha Baby

Face up, running fingernails along
All night, every night
You’re like a drug that I’m addicted to!
HEY BABY IT’S SHOWTIME!
Cause over-thinking it is bad for you!
“Ah, I’m so annoyed… I’m gonna retire”
You’re not that old yet!

Analysis: well, this is just a good old fashioned song about fucking rock stars and teasing them about their age. Reminds me of his breakout hit, Vanilla, back in the day. A nice break in the album from all that sadness. It's worth noting, I think, that in one of the only two (the other comes next) songs that are explicitly sexual, Gackt sings about fairly reckless behaviour which could be seen as sexually "acting out" in order to keep up an image (he was/is still known as the "Sex God of Japan," so there's that). 

10. Koi no Friday 

I met you, and this pounding in my heart…
It was an unexpected day
There’s no way in hell
that I could actually be serious!
I’m obviously obsessed with you, maybe… 

Analysis: again, this is a more lighthearted love song (at last!) about the few days it takes to fall in love. Here he used feminine pronouns to describe the object of his affection, but calls her old fashioned and a bad dancer; not exactly positive things.

11. Kimi Dake no Boku de Iru Kara -I Belong to You-

“I love you” maybe I still don’t understand
anything, even those words
but I ran headlong along a pitch dark road
I miss you so much it’s tearing me apart
but I’m blinded by my tears
I still don’t understand anything
The future I should have made with you
suddenly faded, and since that day
I can’t see anything at all
But now, ah, I finally understand 

Analysis: I think this is one of the songs that breaks my heart the most, because he is singing about a future he never got to have, the one he love died before his time, and he feels robbed of their life together. 

12. P.S. I Love You

To you, living in the present
My encounter with you was everything to me
I was so happy…
But I am only a fragment
of the life you will carve from now on

Analysis: I TAKE IT BACK I think this might be the song that shatters my whole entire heart because this is a letter from the one he loves, this is not sung from Gackt’s perspective. This is sung from the perspective of the dead lover watching over him in heaven, begging him and giving him his blessing to move on. 

13.  Setsugetsuka -The End of Silence- 

I kept singing, staining my breath red
“In my dream this evening, thy image… ”
The season you vanished is soon to end
I’ll add up the tears and change them to powder snow to show you
I can become snow to embrace you
Dance, scattering the feelings that well up
As much as I try to hide the wounds
Somehow, the tears overflow
Your smiling face has grown hazy, I can no longer see it 

Analysis: once again, and for the last time on this album, Gackt sings about cursing the heavens for taking his lover away, and promising to love them until he himself rots away. As the closing song on the album, it ends with a promise: that he will keep screaming at the sky, in order for his voice to reach the heavens. 

TL;DR: Gackt is still hopelessly in LOVE with Kami and it’s almost 20 years after his death. All I want to do is hug him and tell him things will be alright. 

ANYWAY THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK