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Moving On

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It was one of those dreams in which the dreamer knew they were dreaming and yet the dream still felt immensely real. Gackt couldn’t remember falling asleep, it had been the middle of the day and he had been working on his new album. Now he was asleep, yet he was still at the desk where he had sat down to work. His own lyrics were there, mocking him. He hated those lyrics, they didn’t even begin to express what he had wanted to say.

I was going to bin them, Gackt realised. For every successful song Gackt produced, there must have been a thousand that were torn up and throw away. He’d even scrapped songs that his friends thought were amazing because they weren’t perfect. It had to be perfect. Always he strived for a perfection he couldn’t quite achieve. It drove him to greatness, but it also led him to incredible stress. Luckily, he had martial arts to release it, or it might just eat him alive.

Gackt smiled sadly as a blue butterfly landed on his work. They were beautiful creatures but all they ever did now was remind him of Kami. Kami, just thinking about him still pained him. It had been so long but it still hurt. Why hadn’t he apologised to him? Why had he been so stubborn? Why hadn’t Kami called him? It had been such a stupid argument. Why had they both been so stubborn? There was no shame in asking for forgiveness. Gackt had learnt that lesson too late. He had lost the one who meant everything to him.

The butterfly took flight and Gackt got the urge to follow it. Well it was just a dream, nothing could harm him here. Quietly he got up and followed the butterfly up the stairs and across the landing. The butterfly settled on the bed in the guest room and Gackt smiled at the symbolism. A butterfly in your guest room meant love was on it’s way. Love, that would be nice. Did it count in a dream?

 

Gackt was awoken by the sounds of his door bell and he sleepily rubbed his eyes. A glance at the clock proved he hadn’t been asleep that long. The dream still fresh in his mind, he went to answer the door.

“Chacha?” Gackt asked surprised, he hadn’t expected his friend and band mate here.

“You said I could use your shower while the water at my place was off for those repairs.” Chacha reminded Gackt. It took him a moment before he remembered.

“Sorry, yeah of course.” Gackt agreed, as he remembered the causal promise he had made to his friend.

“I feel so hot and sweaty. We’ll talk later okay?” Chacha asked and Gackt nodded, watching his friend head for the stairs.

It was kind of weird that his guitarist had shown up just after he had such a dream. Maybe somebody was trying to tell him something? No, that was silly. He didn’t sleep with men anymore. Not since Kami. He was the only one. He promised himself he’d never sleep with a man after Kami had died, to honour their memory. He didn’t want to replace the feeling of Kami with that of somebody else. Sometimes he wished he could erase his need for love entirely. Still, Kami wouldn’t want him to be alone. He was certain of that. But everything after the drummer had only been a fragment of what the two had shared.

Feeling nostalgic and knowing he couldn’t work on lyrics now, Gackt headed upstairs to his bedroom. Quietly he picked up a shoe box from the bottom of his wardrobe and opened the lid. At the very top sat a picture of Kami and him smiling happily. Already the tears had started to fall but he couldn’t help but look at the other memorabilia of the time he had spent with the man.

 

Chacha appeared from one of Gackt’s bathrooms, showered and refreshed. He smiled as Eneru appeared, wagging her tail happily and paused to give her some attention. He was more a cat person but he liked all animals really. Especially a dog as friendly as Gackt’s. He felt a brief moment of sadness as he remembered Belle. She and Eneru had been close friends for the year or so they lived together.

Belle’s death had hit Gackt hard. He’d been so sure he was going to die last year and when he didn’t and Belle did, it convinced him death had took his dog in his place. Chacha wasn’t entirely convinced by this but knew it was best to say nothing. When Gackt believed something, no matter how irrational it seemed to anyone else, he stood by that belief. It was best not to say anything about it. Especially jokes about needing therapy, as they always hit a nerve.

Deciding Eneru had been given enough attention, Chacha began searching for Gackt. Spotting the dim light from under Gackt’s bedroom door he headed there and knocked quietly before entering. Gackt hadn’t seemed to notice his entry, which puzzled Chacha, as the vocalist was normally so alert to his surroundings.

“What are you doing?” Chacha asked and was amused when he saw Gackt tense. He had obviously been so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed the guitarist’s presence at all.

“I was, nothing.” Gackt muttered, refusing to look at Chacha.

“You must be doing something.” Chacha remarked as he stepped into sight of the things on the floor. His eyes fell on a picture of Gackt and Kami and it all made sense. Suddenly Gackt pushed all the stuff together. removing it from the guitarist’s line of sight. Was he hiding something?

“I had a dream.” Gackt muttered in explanation. “It made me miss him.”

“Of course.” Chacha agreed. moving around so he could face Gackt. He said nothing about the tears in Gackt’s eyes. as he knew how close the two had been. At least he thought he had known. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Gackt muttered. “I don’t want to but maybe I should. I’m just so sick of keeping it secret from everyone.”

“Keeping what secret?” Chacha asked. “Come on. this is me. You can tell me anything.”

“It is unfair that You knows and you don’t.” Gackt agreed but said no more. Chacha sat on the edge of Gackt’s bed and waited, knowing Gackt would tell him in his own time.

“Kami and I were close,” Gackt admitted and Chacha raised an eyebrow. If that was Gackt’s secret, it had to be the worst kept secret in the world. “As in really close,” Gackt continued. “As close as two men could get. Don’t make me say it!”

“Are you trying to suggest that you and Kami, did things that made you more than friends?” Chacha asked.

“He was my everything.” Gackt muttered and began to sob openly as the memories flooded back.

“Oh Gackt.” Chacha muttered, getting up and simply holding the younger man as he cried.

“I should have called him.” Gackt whispered and Chacha began to stroke his hair. He’d already had to comfort Gackt on Kami’s death before on several occasions. He feared Gackt would never be truly over the loss of his friend. Knowing the truth about their relationship only helped him understand Gackt’s pain that little bit more.

After a while and a lot of comforting words, Gackt managed to calm down a little.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Gackt announced. “Kami never even told his parents he was gay, if this gets out…”

“It won’t.” Chacha reassured him and Gackt was convinced. Chacha was one of the most trustworthy and loyal people he knew. If Chacha promised something, he never failed to keep his word.

“What am I suppose to do without you?” Gackt suddenly asked.

“Well you have You.” Chacha reminded him.

“Yeah but he’s not really that good at cheering people up.” Gackt explained.

“I guess not.” Chacha admitted, wondering why Gackt was looking at him like that. Then to his surprise, Gackt leant forward and kissed him.

“You could always just say ‘I trust you’, you know.” Chacha teased, knowing that was what Gackt usually meant when he kissed somebody.

“Words don’t mean as much as actions,” Gackt remarked. “And that was only part of what I meant by that kiss.”

“Only part?” Chacha asked confused.

“Forget it.” Gackt said, as he began to carefully pack away the things on his bedroom floor. Chacha just sat there, confused for a moment before it occurred to him what Gackt meant.

“Gackt?” Chacha asked, causing his friend to look up.

“What?” Gackt asked, before being startled by a kiss initiated by his friend.

“Oh nothing.” Chacha said with a smile, as he picked up a picture of Gackt and Kami. This had been the first time Gackt had shown any sign of wanting to move on with his life. It wouldn’t be quick but maybe one day he could be the one holding Gackt and smiling for more than just the camera.