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[BAD DATE. PLS INTERVENE!!!!]

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Uraraka’s phone buzzed.

1 new message from Deku! <3

[BAD DATE. PLS INTERVENE!!!!]

She stared at the four words for a moment, counting the exclamation points, and promptly tapped a message back. [omw how bad?]

[he pulled out his family’s heirloom ring and started talking about adopting owls together in first 45 mins]

She hopped into her car and floored the gas.


 

Uraraka checked herself out in the mirror, making sure her get up was flawless, and then turned the engine off. She strode confidently into Le Yuuei, the new fancy (and incredibly over-priced) Japanese-French fusion restaurant that every couple was buzzing about getting reservations at. Breezing past the ratty looking old man with an oiled mustache at the front desk asking, “Table for one? Ma’am? Ma’am, please stop—“, she scoured the sea of heads for one particular green one.

Right in the center. Perfect.

She willed angry tears on her eyes, storming right behind Midoriya.

“You BASTARD!” she shrieked.

Wine glasses all around them sloshed in surprise. Izuku turned around and his expression melted in relief, before pulling itself together in one of horror.

“Ochako, b-baby, it’s not what you think!” he spluttered immediately.

Good. He caught on.

Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Not what I think? NOT what I THINK? Treat me as garbage, Izuku, but don’t you dare treat me like a fool! You’re cheating on me?!”

The man sitting directly across from Izuku set down a framed picture of barn owls. “Excuse me, who are you?”

Uraraka threw her hand forward, showing the golden band on her ring finger. “HIS FIANCÉE! Or ex, more like. You cheating, lying son of a bitch, my mother was right about you. The wedding is off!”

“Fucking EXCUSE ME?!”

The entire restaurant (now spectating the event) turned their heads as one towards the newcomer. Bakugou stood there, decked in a tuxedo and carrying an entire bouquet of roses. A vein was standing out in his forehead and his entire face was flushed red in fury.

“Deku…” he started threateningly, walking towards the table with a presence that shook the very air. “You… HOW DARE YOU! You got engaged behind my fucking back, you dickwad?! And went on a date with another man?”

He threw the roses on the ground and stomped on them, loafers grinding into the red petals.

“I’LL KILL YOU!” Bakugou howled. “DO YOU HEAR ME, ASSHOLE? I’LL FUCKING RIP—”

Uraraka placed one hand on her hip.

“And who might you be?” she demanded.

“Shut it, whore,” Bakugou snapped. “You’re just his side hoe, bitch, he’ll throw you away once I set his head fucking straight.”

“His side hoe?” she asked incredulously. “I’m literally his fiancée.”

“Yeah? Well, we’ve been dating for seventeen years!”

Midoriya’s date choked on air. “Seventeen—?! You told me you were twenty-one!”

“He is,” Bakugou interrupted as Midoriya started stammering. “We’ve been in love since we were four and fucking since middle school, what are you gonna do about it?”

Uraraka slapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle as a grandmother’s dentures fell into her soup. She turned the shaking of her shoulders into sobs.

“After I shared my first time with you!” she bawled. “After we forged your father’s will to get his inheritance together! Even after all of that, this is what you end up doing to your woman?!”

That was the cue for Midoriya to turn his head and give a dramatic monologue about how ashamed he was of being so entirely without morals, then to conclude tearfully that he was unfit to be in any sort of relationship and run away in self-loathing shame.

Then the restaurant’s doors almost tore off of their hinges.

Iida burst inside, doctor’s coat flaring out behind him dramatically.

“Mister Midoriya, you must come with me immediately,” he said gravely, going up to the table and seizing their friend by his arm. “You’re Patient Zero of a deadly new mutated virus, a strange combination of Zika, Rabies, and Crabs! We need to get you quarantined immediately.”

Bakugou seized a salad bowl from the table beside them (consisting of two college students who looked a little too stoned to believe what was going on currently was real) and threw it on the ground. “You had my dick in your mouth last night with a deadly virus? I’LL KILL YOU!”

A window shattered before anyone else could say anything. Two people barrel-rolled inside, dressed in police uniforms. A waitress screamed as glass cascaded on the ground.

Kaminari pointed a pistol at Midoriya. “FREEZE! Izuku Midoriya, you’re arrested for fourteen accounts of drug trafficking, car theft, and murder!”

“TODDLER MURDER!” Kirishima added, holding another gun.

Midoriya’s date stood up, throwing his napkin on his plate. “I don’t know what the actual fuck is going on, but I’m leaving. All I did was swipe right on Grindr, I didn’t sign up for this.”

“I’m sorry, Sero,” Midoriya said as remorsefully as possible as Kaminari started handcuffing him with pink furry handcuffs. “I’ll… I’ll, uh, text you?”

“Don’t bother,” he said angrily.

The restaurant’s doors opened again and a burly blonde giant walked in, bulging biceps straining against his banana yellow pinstripe suit. Uraraka and Kirishima exchanged looks. Mr. Yagi from their ethics class?

“Son?” Mr. Yagi said softly.

Midoriya instantly crumpled to his knees. “O-Oh my god… father!”

Mr. Yagi strode forward and embraced Midoriya on the ground, pushing Kaminari away. “What are you doing to my boy?”

“Sir, your son has murdered several toddlers—”

“I don’t care!” Mr. Yagi said passionately. “I’ve been gone for the past nine years and by god, I’ll do what I need to do for my family and take care of him!”

“You!” Uraraka screamed shrilly. “Why did you come back?! I thought I paid the mafia to get rid of you for good so I could finally get my hands on that inheritance!”

“Holy fuck,” Sero muttered, and turned to leave.

He bumped into a boy who just opened the door.

“Excuse me,” Todoroki said quietly to the bemused Sero. He walked up to the scene; Kaminari had his gun trained on Mr. Yagi, Mr. Yagi was still shielding Izuku like he was the only one that mattered in the world, Uraraka was shrieking furiously into her phone (which was open to Neko Atsume), and Bakugou was threatening murder again. Kirishima had retired to the sidelines, hitting on a cute waitress.

“Midoriya,” Todoroki said quietly. He placed a hand on his flat stomach. “It appears that I’m pregnant with your child.”

Everyone grew silent and stared at Todoroki. Zero tossed his hands into the air and left the restaurant entirely.

Midoriya looked up at all the faces surrounding him and shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry, everyone. I, uh, I might have texted too many people at once again.”

Aizawa walked towards the group and stared at them disapprovingly. “Again? Really? This is the third time this month. I want a check up front for that window.”