It's been the same for longer than he can remember now; the military precision in everything they do, following Dean blindly into whatever he's walking into - lately with little to no regard to anyone's safety, including his own. It's reckless and stupid but that's the way things work now because even if you try and plan a raid, there's no accounting for the Croats, not really. So they take their lives in their hands and then they drink and fuck and do whatever they can to drown the endless pain and misery when they come back to Camp - if they come back.
Cas has always been better than most at hiding the pain, and sometimes when he's in bed with one person riding his dick and someone else taking him from behind, he can push it out for a little while. The pills help too, but Dean's always on his case about what he's smoking or ingesting - like he has any right to judge with the pile of empty bottles sitting next to his front steps - but sex usually works the best for the longest, and most of the time it's easier, especially considering he doesn't have to go looking for sex.
Most nights, and almost every night for the past two months, Dean will drink himself stupid and stumble into Cas' cabin. It's quick and dirty, but it's Dean and even if they're both fucked up and rarely sober, it's better than losing him completely. Dean never stays like some of the others do; he'll usually leave right away, but even when he does fall asleep in Cas' bed, he's always gone by the time he wakes up. And maybe that's what hurts so much about it; that back before all of this, Dean would have been the one who stayed, curled up around him until they woke up, but Dean hasn't been Dean since Sam died, and Cas just takes what he can get because there's not going back to what used to be. Not now. And who knows whether they'll be here tomorrow. He tells himself he's okay with it, but if he's honest, it's more like he's adapted to it.
They move forward, pushing through day by day, but nothing ever changes and more and more often Cas finds himself wondering what the point of it all is. Before he fought side-by-side with Sam and Dean to save people, to save the world, but now there are so few people left who want to be saved and the world really isn't worth it at this point.
Then Dean brings a stranger into the camp; a stranger with an eerily familiar face.
This Dean from 2009 is fresh-faced despite facing his own apocalypse and he looks at Cas like he's something special and Cas doesn't even try to hide his pleasure when his Dean shuts that down immediately. This Dean reminds him of the way they used to be; the endless lead-up to what eventually turned into this, but before, before they were good.
He has so much hope for this Dean because he can say no to Michael, he can convince Sam to say no and they can prevent their apocalypse. Presumably, there's a Cas back in his time to help them, and maybe he and his Cas can figure their shit out before it's too late; before he falls and Dean loses the only other person who matters to him. The more he thinks about it, about what this 2009 Dean has to look forward to, the more he realizes just how far he and his Dean have fallen.
He's alone when Dean comes to his room, though just barely; his Dean has only left ten minutes ago, but Cas isn't about to turn down 2009 Dean because of that. He's almost timid now, compared to earlier, and Cas realizes two things at once; Dean's not just here to talk, and he and his Cas have never gotten to that point yet.
"I don't know what I'm doing here," he says, but Cas knows, and he beckons him closer with a single finger. Dean comes closer and Cas takes his hands, surprised at how willing this alternate Dean is; even at the very best of times, his Dean liked to pretend he was the one in charge, even when they both knew he wasn't.
"I do," Cas breathes. He pushes the blankets to the side and to his credit, Dean barely flinches at the sight of his cock, though his cheeks flush and damn if he doesn't miss that. "It won't be the same," he says, and Dean's eyes flick up to his, questioningly, "as your Cas. Your Cas is still on a holy mission, but he'll get there."
He shifts closer on the bed and Dean tracks the movement, watching as Cas' fingers pop open the button on his jeans, and his hips press forward when he pulls the zipper down. Dean doesn't speak, but Cas can hear it in the sound of his beath and the soft little huffs that escape his lips; Dean needs this just as badly as he does. He pulls Dean's cock out, stroking him slowly. Dean's eyes flutter shut like it's the best thing he's ever felt, and Cas has to wonder just how long he's been thinking about this, with him or with the Cas from 2009.
He takes more care than he normally would, making sure to touch Dean in every place he knows will drive him absolutely insane, and Dean, although inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with men, gives back just as good. Dean sucks his dick more enthusiastically than anyone else at the camp, and when Cas repays the favour, Dean claws at the sheets and the sounds he makes go straight through to Cas' cock.
Dean comes riding his cock, Cas' fingers digging into his hips as he fucks up into him, and Jesus christ the way he clenches around him when he comes, Cas is pretty sure he's been ruined for anyone else. Dean sleeps next to him that night, and Cas curls close despite his better judgment, inhaling the familiar scent of a Dean that is no longer his.
When he wakes up in the morning, Dean is still there, snoring softly on his pillow, and Cas sneaks out before he can wake him, remembering all the times he was told that watching people sleep was creepy.
His Dean is out in the yard, and when he sees the hickeys on Cas' neck, his eyes narrow, clearly understanding that those were not there when he left last night. The jealousy is absurd, and although Dean will never admit it, that's exactly what it is: jealousy - his Dean doesn't want anything from him and yet, he hates when anyone else touches him. He knows this will piss his Dean off to no end, and he makes no effort to adjust his shirt when it slips down over his shoulder.
Past Dean comes to him again that night, and this time he's the one to initiate it, climbing up over Cas while he's lying in bed and kissing him like he's dying for it. He's not, Cas knows because Dean could always get anyone he ever wanted, but he can imagine the pent up tension from dealing with his former self is enough to drive someone up the wall.
He fucks him into the mattress until they're both sweaty and exhausted, panting heavily in the warm night air. Logically, he knows this has to end at some point because Dean will return to his own time, and Cas will be left with the bitter, reserved version. For now though, he's not one to turn down a good thing, and when past Dean keeps coming back to him, he doesn't turn him away.
It's early morning, a week or so after this new, strange Dean arrived, that everything goes to shit.
They're lying in bed, wrapped around each other and rocking together slowly when the beads in the doorway clatter together. Cas ignores it, content to suck at the underside of Dean's jaw and rut against his hip, revelling in the not-so-subtle moans and sighs that spill from his lips; he's used to people walking in on him - he doesn't do much to deter them - and most of the time they do their thing and leave, though some will stay and join in.
This morning, it's Dean - his Dean - who interrupts, and he has no intention of joining in. At first, he just scoffs and tells Cas to get the fuck up because they have something or other to do, but when he sees who it is Cas is with, his expression sours.
"The fuck are you doing with him?"
"What? I like him. He's you."
Dean rolls his eyes and bangs on the wall, "get up, we have to go."
"I'm busy," Cas argues, not even looking up. He's used to Dean trying to boss him around, and over the years he's realized the easiest way to respond is to ignore him. Dean turns, muttering something under his breath and Cas' resolve breaks. He pulls away from old Dean, throwing the blankets off himself and following his Dean out onto the porch.
"You know, maybe I'd understand the petty jealousy if you made any effort-"
"Oh, shut the fuck up, Cas we've been through this so many times."
Cas rolls his eyes, "of course, Dean. How could I forget that I'm a disappointment to you, that you're so ashamed of me you won't even spend the night when you fuck me."
Dean starts shouting something back, but Cas has tuned out already, shaking his head and making his way back into his cabin, and it is what it is; none of the other survivors think anything of it because Dean and Cas screaming at each other in the middle of the camp is pretty much par for the course any day of the week. No one so much as bats an eye, but he can feel all of them as he strolls back into the room and he knows what they're thinking; this man used to be an angel, a celestial being, and now he's just as big a mess as the rest of them, as Dean is. He grabs a bottle from the coffee table and swallows a couple pills before heading into the bedroom to sleep away the rest of the day.
Dean's still there; he's dressed, sitting on the edge of the bed, and he gives Cas something of a sympathetic look as he flops onto the bed next to him.
"You and him?" he asks.
"Not anymore, now he doesn't even look at me when he fucks me."
"Life. The apocalypse? Sam. You were never the same after Sam." Dean nods solemnly like he understands, and Cas just sighs, shifting and flopping onto his back behind him. "You should probably go."
"Yeah," Dean agrees, and he stands to leave but Cas shuts his eyes, already feeling the effect of the medication.
"When you have to make that choice, make the right one. Don't say yes, and don't let Sam say yes either. Fight it, Dean. Fight your destiny, because this is all you have waiting for you if you don't. And for both our sakes, tell him how you feel."
"What?" Dean asks, but Cas knows it's a delay tactic.
"You know what I mean. Your Cas hasn't fallen, you still have time with him. Dean please, if nothing else, tell him you love him."
Dean pauses, staring back at him for a second before nodding just slightly and heading for the door. He doesn't know it now, but it's the last time Cas will see him, and maybe that's for the best because this Dean doesn't belong to him; there's someone much more important waiting for him back in 2009.
It's later that night when Cas is just sitting around a campfire in a haze of smoke that his Dean shows back up to finish things. He's drunk and furious and Cas doesn't have the energy to deal with him right now because being with the other Dean has only served to remind him of everything he's lost, and everything he'll no longer have again. He brushes Dean off as he always does when he shouts at him and calls him names, but Dean's not having it tonight.
He pushes further than he has before; bringing up shit from before he fell, calling him worthless and a failure, that he's not good for anything but a quick fuck; everything he already knows but tries not to think about. Cas tries to let it all roll off, but it hurts; at least before all these things were inside, in his own mind and Dean's, but Dean's just out here throwing it around like it's nothing, and while the few people who are listening seem horrified by the things he's saying, Cas just sits and takes it.
It's true, most of it, he is essentially useless now; he can carry a shotgun or stand watch just like anyone, but before he could sense danger before his friends were in trouble, and he could smite nearly anything with just a touch of his hand. Dean needed him then, for company - as a friend - and as a weapon, but now he's just one of the common rabble - a broken soldier among dozens of broken soldiers.
Dean doesn't let up, and as much as Cas hates it, he can't do anything about it. Not at least, until Dean crouches down in front of him, slapping him across the face and grabbing his jaw.
"If it wasn't for you, Sam would still be here."
It's the only thing he's said in the last half hour that comes across clearly, and Cas rises to his feet without a word, shoving Dean back toward the fire and storming off to his cabin while Dean continues to shout at him in the background.
For the first time, he curses the beads hanging in his doorway because he'd give anything right now to have a door to slam behind him but he settles for flipping over the side table next to the door. He's been hanging on to the idea that maybe he's still good for something, like the nights when Dean comes to his cabin are somehow good for him, but everything Dean just spouted at him proves otherwise, and there's nothing left.
He's exhausted, both physically and mentally, when he flops into bed. He thinks about past Dean because his bed still smells like him, and he remembers the way Dean used to look at him back when that was his Dean, and he remembers all the missed chances and empty promises from way back when - back when Dean needed him.
There's no point now; there's nothing to look forward to in this world, and the one thing he was holding onto just publicly rejected him, so why bother carrying on? He doesn't think before swallowing a handful of pills and washing the concoction down with a swig of whiskey. Worst case scenario: he dulls the pain for a little while, best case: he won't have to worry about facing Dean again.
- - - - -
Dean is there suddenly, climbing up over him and pawing at his face and for a second Cas thinks that maybe it's the other Dean, or that he's dreaming or something, but the first words out of his mouth are you fucking idiot, and Cas almost manages to laugh despite the pain because yeah, that's definitely his Dean.
"What the hell were you thinking, Cas? Seriously, what the fuck."
His mind is still foggy and he doesn't fully comprehend what Dean's so pissed off about so he just shuts his eyes and lets Dean shout at him like he always does because there's no point in fighting. Whatever it is, Dean's furious; Cas hasn't seen him this mad in years, though as much as he tries, he can't figure out why, not at least until Dean pushes his shoulder down against the bed.
"Look at me," he growls, and Cas blinks up at him, eyes sensitive to the light. "Did you honestly think killing yourself was the answer?"
Everything floods back all at once, and he shuts his eyes with a sigh of regret. He can't decide whether he's relieved or not that he's still here, and he definitely doesn't know how to try and explain it to Dean, so he just reaches up and brushed his fingers along his cheek, cupping his hand around the back of Dean's neck.
Dean shuts up, and Cas knows he's just trying to think of another thing to yell at him for, but he's caught him off guard, and for now, it works. He would haul him down on top of him but Chuck and some others are still there so he doesn't; Dean's already pissed off enough, he doesn't need to add to it.
Dean stays that night, and the next, and he's gruff and pissy and Cas doesn't even know why he chooses to stay if it bothers him so much, but then when he's drifting off, somewhere between awake and asleep, Dean will come and sit on the edge of his bed. The first time it happens, Cas is just too exhausted to bother moving, but then Dean brushes his hair out of his eyes with a sigh, resting his hand on Cas' chest.
"What did you think I'd do without you?" he mutters, and it takes Cas a second to realize that he's not actually expecting an answer, that he thinks he's asleep. "Christ, Cas, I can't do this on my own."
He's so soft and sincere, and Cas can't bring himself to admit he's still awake because he likes Dean like this, he misses the days when Dean used to tell him he was needed when he could feel that Dean loved him, before he fell and Dean lost everything he cared about.
It keeps happening; no one will let Cas up and about which he suspects is because they're afraid he's overdose again and they'll have to deal with whatever becomes of Dean at that point, which is fair, so he sucks it up and lies in bed and lets everyone fuss over him. Mostly, he hates it, especially when he's conscious because Dean's an even bigger dick than before, but it's almost worth it for the evenings when he softens up and sits with him.
He wakes up one morning to Dean and Chuck arguing just outside the door, and through the sleep-fog in his brain, he works out that it's about a supply run Dean refuses to go on. The more he listens, the more obvious it becomes that the only reason Dean won't go is because of him, and as much as he likes the idea of it, he knows that Dean just doesn't trust anyone else to supervise him. It's been almost two weeks now and he's been up and around the room a little, but Dean still keeps him confined to the cabin - a security measure, he says. It's irritating, and he's sick of it, so he sits up in bed and clears his throat, waiting until Chuck and Dean turn to look at him.
"He's right you know, you should go. They need you more than I do."
Dean takes the jab exactly the way he expected to - no outward expression other than a slight narrowing of his eyes, and Cas feels satisfied for it; Dean might come and whisper sweet things to him while he's asleep, but while they're both conscious, he's a dick, so Cas will be too.
"Really, I'm just supposed to leave you here."
"Uh, yeah. I'll be fine."
"How can I trust you?"
"Okay," Cas starts, "you don't like that, how about this; we need supplies and you're the best we've got."
Dean looks like he still wants to fight about it, but they both know he's right, and Dean just stalks off out of the cabin. It's the last time Cas sees him for what feels like days, and after the first couple nights alone again, he's starting to regret the way he acted. It's pretty much par for the course these days; they fight, Cas throws out all this shit that's honest, but then Dean avoids him or shuns him for however long and he regrets being such a snarky bastard. Really though, Dean's the only one who's frustratingly stubborn enough to bring it out in him.
While he's gone, visitors start to show up, and Cas realizes the only reason they haven't been before is because Dean wouldn't let anyone else in, other than a few select people while he was still there. It's possessiveness, he thinks, more than protection, but it's still nice to know Dean has some sort of feeling left for him, even if it comes out harsh and destructive.
Cas likes having people around, though there's a very strict no drug/no alcohol policy that Chuck enforces that he's much less pleased with, but when Chuck turns his back he can slip in a quick fuck or blowjob, so there's that at least.
The morning that Dean comes back, there's three of them in bed with him, and a couple others passed out on the couch. Cas is still asleep, but not for long when Dean bursts in and starts kicking everyone out none-too-gently. He's obviously pissed, and he's loud, too loud for so early in the morning, and when one of the girls next to Cas kisses him on her way out, he can practically hear the growl in Dean's voice, and the corner of his lip twitches up in a smirk.
When all the grumbling is over, and everyone else is gone, the bed dips down next to his hip and Dean's hand runs down his leg.
Cas cracks an eye open at him, "told you I'd still be here."
"Yeah, well, last time you weren't," Dean mutters. Cas' heart stutters because this is too close to sentiment for them, and he doesn't know how to react.
"But how would they get by without our fearless leader," he grumbles.
"They've been doing it for weeks already," Dean shoots back, hard again, and Cas feels a little guilty. He just frowns and Dean continues, "anyway, someone has to watch you and make sure you didn't die because apparently, you can't do that on your own."
Cas opens his mouth to speak instinctively, but it sinks in that Dean thinks it was an accident; he doesn't know that he was just trying to escape.
"Thanks, I guess. I wanna get up."
"Not a good idea."
"Dean, I'm fine," he bites, "I've been fine for days but no one will let me get up because you fucking told them not to."
"Fine, whatever." Dean stands up and throws the blankets off of Cas, rolling his eyes and turning away when he finds Cas is naked.
"Oh don't act like you've never fucking seen it before," Cas mumbles, sliding his legs over the side of the bed. He pushes himself up, but he's weak from the lack of, well, anything in the last two weeks; he's only been up to go to the bathroom and bathe, and even then it's usually a quick trip so his legs shake a little when he stands up, but Dean's there.
Cas throws an arm over his shoulder and Dean quickly fits up against him, taking the role of supporter. For a little while, it almost feels like before with Dean pressed up against his side, and they wander around the camp. They bicker about every single thing, but Cas is happier than he has been in months; there's no heat behind their arguments for once, and the fresh air is nice after being cooped up in a room for two weeks.
This keeps up for a week or so, and while Cas can get up and walk around on his own now, Dean still insists on him sleeping in his cabin, while he sleeps on the couch. Once Dean adjusts to Cas being up and about on his own, things return to normal as much as they can, only Dean is more personable than he has been, which is one of the few changes Cas is grateful for.
However, nothing in this place lasts long, and when one of the raid groups comes back with the news that they lost someone, that's the end of that. Dean reverts right back to the stoic soldier, and Cas just fucking gives up. He's known for ages that something inside Dean is broken, irreparable, but for a little while, it felt like maybe part of him was still left. Clearly not.
He spends more and more time on his own, only with Dean when they sleep because his own cabin is still shut up. They rarely talk, and when they do, it's always curt and formal, and when Dean asks if he's coming to the funeral, Cas agrees, if only because it's something better than sitting around aimlessly, sober and alone.
Most of the day is spent building up the funeral pyre, not dissimilar to many that the Winchesters built for their companions back in the day, and Cas sits and watches. There's not much said when it comes to lighting the pyre because these days no one has anything good left to say, so they just get on with it.
Dean sits down next to him, passing over a bottle of whiskey, and it's a sign of how far gone he is because up until now he's been keeping anything even vaguely alcoholic away from him. Cas accepts it gratefully, taking a swig from the bottle as they watch the flames engulfing what was only recently a friend of theirs if anyone here can still be considered friendly.
Cas is suitably drunk by the time everyone else starts to drift away, and he considers if their positions were reversed.
"Maybe she's better off," he mumbles, and Dean turns to look at him, an expression something like disgust playing on his features.
"The fuck are you talking about she's better off?"
"Without all of this," Cas gestures out at the camp, "without the constant fear of will we still be here tomorrow? Without having to worry about the fucking Croats finding us and having to uproot and move again."
"No," Dean scoffs, "of course she's not better off. She could be here, walking around, but she's not, how could you-"
"I tried to kill myself, Dean."
"What the fuck, Cas?"
"It wasn't an accident, you idiot, but I'm sure deep down you already know that- do you know when I was an angel I could feel how much you loved me? Your longing was so strong, and for a long time I held on to that, but when I look at you now? The way you look at me and talk to me like I'm some fucking pawn in your army? It feels like ambivalence at best."
"You know that's not true," Dean mutters defeatedly, keeping his eyes on the bottle in his hands.
"That's what I'm trying to tell you- I don't. Ever since Detroit, you don't give a shit about anything or anyone."
"That's not fucking true," he retorts, and Cas just scoffs at him.
"It is. Ever since Sam-" Dean cuts him off with an exaggerated sigh, pushing himself up and dropping the bottle on the ground. At first, Cas thinks he's going to walk away because that's what he does when they get into it like this, but he doesn't. Instead, he comes up crouching down and hauling Cas up into his arms, lifting him off his feet.
"That's not fucking true," he repeats, and Cas is breathless, too shocked to respond as Dean starts away toward the cabins.
"My cabin's back that way," Cas mutters, but Dean just shakes his head.
"Your cabin's a mess, we're going to mine."
"Oh-" is all he gets a chance to say before they get inside and Dean shoves him up against the wall, shutting him up with his mouth on his own.
Cas' head spins. He can't remember the last time Dean kissed him; it's been months at least, maybe years since the sex became so impersonal that Dean doesn't kiss him, doesn't even look at him anymore. Usually, it's more of a necessity than something either of them wants anymore, but this is different.
Dean kisses him now with a passion that's been missing in his life for years, pushing his tongue between Cas' lips and moaning softly against him. Cas shuts his eyes to it, pushing his fingers through Dean's hair and wrapping his legs tighter around him. His heart races and he's afraid at any moment that Dean will stop and pull away, leaving him alone again, but he doesn't.
If anything Dean just pushes further, biting and sucking on his lip and shifting so he can run a hand up Cas' side, slipping under the thin fabric of his shirt. Cas shudders under the touch, dropping his head back with a groan as Dean's lips slip down over his jaw, down under his ear. He sucks at the small patch of skin beneath his ear and Cas' fingers curl in his hair, tugging him closer as he moans into the empty air.
Dean mumbles against his skin, biting at his neck and soothing the marks with his tongue; it's more than Cas can stand, but he's afraid to push too far and startle Dean into stopping. He doesn't speak, doesn't do anything but cling to Dean and let him take control of the situation, kissing and biting and pulling Cas' hips forward against his own. It's hot and fast and desperate, but it feels real for the first time in ages.
As Dean's mouth fits against his own again, he rolls his hips forward, pressing the firm line of his erection into Cas' hip as he kisses him. He's slower now, gentle as his hand roams down Cas' stomach slipping down over the jut of Cas' trapped cock. Dean strokes him slowly, curling his fingers around him through the thin linen as Cas moans against him, pulling back to watch his expression.
Cas can't bring himself to look at him, shutting his eyes and rocking up into against Dean's palm to avoid the look that he knows will be there if he meets Dean's gaze. In a second, Dean's nose presses against his cheek and he's kissing him again, pulling his hand away and readjusting himself and hitching Cas up around his waist. Cas kisses him hard as they cross the room, pouring all of his need and love and desperation into the kiss and hoping it comes across. He's laid down gently and Dean covers him completely, curling one arm around Cas' thigh and pushing it up to his chest as they kiss.
It's not unlike the way Dean used to be, bending Cas in any position he could get him in and fucking him hard and fast, his mouth never leaving Cas' for more than a second. He wants all of that again, but when he reaches down in an attempt to get Dean out of his jeans, he's met with resistance. Dean shifts, breaking the kiss and leaning on one elbow, pausing to look down at him. Cas tips his head down, shutting his eyes to avoid Dean's gaze.
"Look at me," Dean huffs, and Cas is surprised to find there's no animosity in his voice, he just sounds like Dean. Dean's fingers curl under his chin and as he tips his head up, Cas opens his eyes, meeting his gaze for the first time since they came inside.
"What did you think I was gonna do when you gone?" Dean asks, and Cas' instinct is to look away again, to avoid the question, but Dean hasn't been this open with him in forever not, at least, when he was awake.
"Figured you'd be alright."
"You were wrong," Dean grunts, and then he's kissing him again, biting Cas' lips and hauling him up to get him out of his shirt. Dean's own shirt follows immediately after and he shoves Cas back against the bed, kissing down his neck and letting his hands wander over Cas' bare skin, falling to rest on his hips.
Cas lays back on the bed, running his fingers through Dean's hair and groaning softly with each touch as Dean tugs his pants down, tossing them away before running his hand up Cas' inner thigh. Dean pushes his legs apart dragging his fingers back behind his balls and pushing between his cheeks.
He grabs the lube from the side table, and Cas pulls his knees up as Dean settles between them, slicking his fingers up and pressing back against Cas' hole. The sensation isn't unfamiliar, but he's not used to Dean taking his time with it; he's always been impatient about this part, working him open as quickly as he can before fucking into him. Tonight he's slow, spreading him open and fucking him with his fingers until Cas is panting and writhing in the sheets, all but begging Dean to fuck him.
Dean draws back, stripping out of his jeans before climbing back onto the bed. Cas lifts his hips as Dean pushes into him, sliding home with a grunt, and it's all that Cas can do not to push back onto him, to lay Dean out on his back and fuck him blind. That's not the way things work though, not with Dean, not now; once upon a time Dean was open to anything and gave up control more often than not, but these days sex is the only place he does have control and Cas is willing to give whatever he can for Dean. He wraps his legs around Dean's hips, pulling him down, and Dean leans over him, rolling his hips slow and steady.
He's softer than normal, burying his face in Cas' neck and kissing him desperately, lifting Cas' leg again to get better leverage. His breath is hot against Cas' skin, his nose bumping the underside of his jaw with every thrust, and Cas tips Dean's chin up, testing his luck as he presses their lips together. To his surprise, Dean doesn't so much as hesitate, pushing back hard and huffing against him.
"I can't do this alone," he mumbles, nipping at Cas' lower lip. "I never could."
Cas groans against his lips, curling his arms up around his neck, "don't lie to me."
"I'm not," Dean huffs, "I'm serious. Don't you fucking leave me okay?"
"Okay," Cas repeats, still struggling to reconcile the words with everything he knows about Dean now. He doesn't have long to think about it before Dean thrusts hard sending a wave of pleasure rolling over him, and he just wraps his arms tighter around Dean.
It's hot and quick, and he can tell when Dean's getting close because he sits back on his heels, running his hands down Cas' thighs and his thrusts slow considerably. Cas slips a hand around himself, stroking slowly at first, but the ache is too much and he squeezes a little harder, flicking his eyes up to meet Dean's. Dean's staring down at him, watching him like he's something soft and beautiful, and that's all it takes to push Cas over the edge.
He comes with a shattered cry, fingernails digging into Dean's thigh, and Dean catches him, hauling him up into his lap and jerking him with his free hand. He breathes heavily against Cas' ear and it's all he can do to keep it together because it's so easy like this to forget how fucked up they both are, with Dean slowly rocking into him and kissing him like he's worth something again. This is how it was supposed to be for them, without the hurt and the drugs and the constant fighting, just the two of them moving together in the dark.
When Dean comes, he's silent, pressing his face into Cas' shoulder and muttering a soft iI need you before kissing him again, hard and desperate, and Cas lets him. They fall together against the mattress and Dean rolls off to one side, panting as he stares up at the ceiling. Neither of them speaks, but when Dean pulls himself up and makes to leave, Cas can't help the bitter sigh that escapes him. Dean doesn't respond, just heads out of the room, and Cas berates himself silently because of course this doesn't change anything.
He grabs his shirt from the floor, wiping the mess off his chest and stomach, and rolls back to face the wall, grumbling to himself. When he hears footsteps approaching again, he looks up to find Dean at the foot of the bed, a smug grin plastered on his face. Cas just rolls his eyes and flops onto his back, watching as Dean tosses him a cloth and comes around to sit on the side of the bed.
"I'm good," Cas mumbles, handing the towel back. Dean just shrugs and drops it on the floor.
"You want me to stay, right?"
"I would prefer if you actually wanted to," Cas bites back, but he backs down when Dean rolls his eyes in exasperation. "Yes, I would like you to stay."
Dean climbs into bed next to him, tugging the covers up over both of them; he doesn't so much as touch Cas, and Cas shifts over to give him his space. It's not what he wants, but tomorrow they could both be dead so, for now, he'll take what he can get. He shuts his eyes against the dark of the room, drifting off to the sound of Dean's breathing next to him.
He doesn't hear the soft I love you that Dean mutters into his hair after he's already fallen asleep.