I remember every detail perfectly.
The color of his eyes. Those eyes. They lured me in, dug their claws into the very essence of my being before I even realized it was happening. How I could’ve swam in those green eyes. The color of the earth after a thunderstorm, mixed in with specs of sunlight until they all blended and smeared together into my minds eye. Completely losing myself and my inhibitions just by that simple gaze he would give me. I felt Ushijima’s touch on every single shape and crease of my body before he could even utter a single word to me.
I still taste his lips on mine. Every time I close my eyes in my dark room that’s the only thing I can picture above me. Strong muscles pinning me down, muscular thigh situated in between mine while he ravished me. Completely and utterly, until the only thing that could form on my lips was what he had given me.
Tell me Eita, who do you belong to.
The sound of his voice in my head rattles me, shakes me to my core and I dunk my head under the water willing it to just swallow me whole until I’m fighting for my breath. The taste of oxygen is bitter when I can no longer hold it. It does nothing to fight off the bile rising in my throat. That quiet stinging behind my eyes like I haven’t cried enough now.
I had known for a fact that my life wouldn’t have been the same without Ushijima. I could sense that from the very first time that we met, but that still didn’t stop me from uttering my name when he asked. It didn’t stop me from following his lead instead of calling Shirabu to see where he had been. It didn’t stop me, nothing had stopped me and I wished to every known being that something had have stopped me so I could be saved.
It couldn’t have been long. Maybe 6 months or 2 years. Everyday in his presence multiplied into eons. Every moment aligned perfectly, so perfectly that I’m sure we were together in every single dimension, every parallel universe. It was as if every constellation in our galaxy shifted every moment in time we were together.
Have you ever tried counting the stars Ushi?
I’ve only ever saw one.
We made love under those very same stars. The moonlight watching the act, playing the significant part of casting the shadows, the pure adoration, anything one would need to be completely ruined. While Ushijima caught every whine, every slip of a tear until he tore, ripped and shattered every single one of my walls down. He imprinted on me mentally, physically and emotionally and all I could do was cling to him. Silent screams of more, yes please. More Ushijima, moremoremore.
The ripple of the water underneath snaps me out of my revere, enough for me to notice my tears were adding years to the water. That calmness of the water wafting across my body doing nothing to tone down the thundering in my heart. I take out the plug resting my head back on the tub wondering how long it would be until the water runs out. That would probably amount to the time that we spent together.
I get out when the water’s almost drained, about like how I’m feeling, and scurry on to my room. Cursing myself along the way when I hear the sound of keys unlocking the front door. I took too long in the bath, damn me and my sulking ass. There’s no point in trying to act like I’m asleep, again.
“I’m home Semi!”
Anybody would be able to hear the sounds of all those damn unnecessary keys unlocking the door.
“What was tha-AGH! Fuck put some clothes on! I almost had a heart attack!” Shirabu screeches from my doorway.
“Well nobody told you to come in my room Shitabu,” even though I didn’t close the door, “and anyways. I’m about to go to sleep so close it for me, will you?”
It’s so silent after I say that, that I almost think he actually did have a heart attack. I scrub my hair vigorously before turning around and I instantly regret it.
Shirabu and his damn straight laced bangs, pouty little mouth turned down. The look behind his eyes is unmistakable and I instantly regret acknowledging him tonight after my fit in the tub. Shirabu knows, he knows without me even telling him. His smaller frame leaning against the wall drumming his fingers along his arm, I know what he’s going to say before he even says it.
“He didn’t deserve you Semi.” It comes out softer than I would have hoped.
I would have prayed for the wrath of Shirabu in this moment, not the soft one that only I have seen since we were younger. The Shirabu that doesn’t know the meaning of holding his tongue, the one that cursed Ushijima as much as I had.
“I don’t want to talk about this tonight.”
Shirabu scoffs, “Of fucking course you don’t Semi. Hurry up and put some clothes on dammit.” And then he’s gone.
I would never admit it but the silence is almost unbearable when Shirabu isn’t around. When I’m alone I’m forced to think about my wrongs, my thoughts can eat away at me in just those few seconds that I’m alone. I can almost pretend everything is okay every time Shirabu is around. He’s almost always right, but walking out of this room is only leading to one thing and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that at all.
I steel my nerves, put on some decent clothing- boxers and an excessively oversized sweater- my sarcasm is probably what got me in this predicament. A bitter laugh escapes me and I walk out to our living room seeing Shirabu in the kitchen pouring wine, the absolute worst thing one can drink when they’re sulking. The little shit is doing this on purpose.
“We don’t have anything stronger than this?” I ask picking up the wine glass and taking a sip despite being unsatisfied with the choice.
“You know we do, but we’re brooding tonight.” Shirabu says with a hint of his smile before he hides it behind his wine glass.
“I’m not brooding, I’m just-“
“You miss him.”
“Yes,” my answer is immediate and I hate myself for giving in so quickly. “Fuck Shirabu I miss him so much, why did he have to be such a piece of shit? Why the hell did he lead me on? Why didn’t I just stop that day and call you instead of giving in to those fucking eyes and that fucking smile.”
I take a gulp of my wine after my rant, and it’s not fucking strong enough. I can’t bring myself to look at Shirabu in the eyes. I know the pity that will be in them. The first time I actually give somebody a chance. The first time I let somebody in other than said person, and I get fucked. Literally and emotionally.
“Ah, Semi it happens to the worst of us. Have you tried to talk to him? You know he won’t stop calling.”
I bring my eyes up to his and follow them across the room to where the phone is set up. A little red blinking number indicating who knows how many messages. I blocked all communication from him on my phone so it’s no wonder why he resorted to using a fucking house phone. If my mother wasn’t such an old soul I would be able to erase him from my life completely, but alas here we are.
“I have absolutely nothing to say to him,” I spit quite bitterly, “he basically fucking left me, there wasn’t even anything to leave behind! But he left like it wasn’t anything! Dropped me for whoever that beautiful guy was, who the hell is that fucking pretty!”
I can still see it in the back of my head, replaying over and over again. Deciding to pop over his quaint little apartment uninvited like I had every right to, which I did. Knocking on his door with his favorite food in hand, I’m sure he didn’t even remember what mine was, I’m almost positive he didn’t remember anything about me except how I let him fucking use me, and how I absolutely drowned myself in that shit.
The most melodic voice sounded behind the door as if it was his natural habitat, sounding as carefree as ever and it made my heart clench in my chest. When Ushijima opened the door he didn’t have to explain anything, I knew it all just by the sound of that voice. The look on his face had been worth it though. Seeing that gorgeous face that was always oh so expressionless, finally show some form of emotion was enough to cool the burning feeling in my torso.
I hadn’t said anything to him, and I won’t now. The only thing I saw as I left wasn’t even his stupidly godly face or body, no, it had to be the fucking mythical being sitting gracefully on his couch. Pouty lips set in place as if I ruined the loving atmosphere they had going on. Brown tousled hair, I could never get mine to look like that even if I gave my pinky finger away for it. Long legs hanging over the couch, he looked like a freaking model and I felt my heart stutter as I backed away. Taking only his hisashi rice with me and my pride. I didn’t look back.
“Semi...” Shirabu’s voice brings me back to reality and I set my eyes on his.
“I’m fine Shirabu,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I feel, which is none, “it wasn’t even that long. I’m sure I’ll be over him in no time.”
Shirabu looks like he doesn’t believe me and I don’t blame him in the least. He basically walked in on his naked best friend after he got done crying his heart out in a cold bathtub, what type of idiot am I. He doesn’t push the matter though, instead just refills my glass with the rest of the wine.
“You want to watch cheesy classic movies?”
“You know your way into a mans heart don’t you Shirabu.”
“If I did I wouldn’t spend almost every night with you.” Though his eyes light up after he says it. A small smile playing on his lips and for the first time I think to myself that this is the most I’ve ever seen him smile. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing, considering how long we’ve been friends, I can’t say.
“Let’s watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s I’m in the mood to cry tonight.” I say plopping myself down on the couch, chugging the rest of my wine. So much for that alcohol lasting.
“Only the ending is sad, and anyways, I’m in the mood for Bette Davis, since I was the one who brought it up.”
“If it’s Of Human Bondage then I don’t mind.” I hide my smirk behind my hand when I hear him huff from our movie shelf.
“You know you’re a bratty little thing Semi, if I didn’t love you as much as I did I’d probably kick you out.”
“Yeah yeah peasant, now hurry up with that movie.”
Shirabu gives me the eye as he puts the movie in while I reach over to turn the lamp off. The light of the moon the only thing shinning through before the movie cuts on. The wash of the luminescence baths over Shirabu’s form and when he turns to face me, for the first time in my life I think that I’ve had too much alcohol.
Of course I always thought he was pretty, aside from his snotty attitude, we have always seem to fit each other perfectly either way. But here in this moment, his silhouetted form walking towards me as the beginning remnants of one of our favorite movies filters in through the tv. I have the unnatural urge to pull him into my arms and kiss him until that beautiful shade of pink graces his cheeks like after those ungodly hot showers he relishes in.
For a slight moment I see his facade falter, and I realize how fucking stupid I am to not have noticed. He hides it quickly enough, the widening in his eyes, the intake of his breath, but I caught it all.
His voice is soft and unsure when he answers back, so unlike the bite to his tone that he usually has. Instead of answering him back I take his hand into mine, resting my head on his shoulder in favor of watching the movie. His small form snuggles closer to mine and I let out a sigh of approval.
If I was a terrible best friend I could take advantage of him, and if it was to anybody else I just might do so, but not to Shirabu. Not to the one who has always been there for me and who will most likely always be there for me. And maybe that’s why I could never let anybody in, maybe he was the one for me all along I just never gave it any thought. I save that piece of information for a later time, namely tomorrow when my head is clearer and I’m not focused on how I think my best friend is uncharacteristically sexy to me now.
I trace his hand, connecting my fingers on every feint freckle I know that’s there while Leslie Howard admires the wicked Bette Davis. I remember our very first time watching this, I remember every sweet moment. Every memory that we ever shared together that is stitched into our brains like the freckles that are hidden along his skin.
Yes, I remember every detail perfectly.