Ryosuke felt he was about to explode.
The signs were all there: his heart beat too fast in his chest, his body was sweating, warm, and he could almost feel the blood flowing under his skin.
And then there was Shu, and he felt him moving inside of him faster and faster, and he would’ve liked to open his eyes to look at him, to see his expression, twisted just like his own, but he was afraid that at that point he wasn’t going to resist anymore, and he wasn’t ready for that feeling to end, not yet.
He brought his arm around the other’s neck, pulling to raising his chest, feeling his catching the invitation and holding him closer, pulling to having him sitting on his lap, their chests pressed together, and then kept moving inside him, restless.
Ryosuke moaned, low, almost feeling ashamed of the pleasure he was feeling, but he could do nothing to control his body and its reactions.
Shu seemed to be able to feel it, to know it, and held him closer to him, clawing his back, moving faster before bringing a hand to his cock, apparently determined to make him lose control completely.
And it was exactly what happened, and Ryosuke could do nothing to struggle against that intense pleasure, and he reached his orgasm like that, coming between their bodies, arching his back and risking to fall back on the bed, hadn’t it been for the hold Shu still had on him.
Shu moved slower now, waiting for him to open his eyes again and smiling, leaning forward to kiss him, making him lay down once more and thrusting again, hard.
“Keep your eyes open.” he asked, hoarse, when Ryosuke closed them again, unable to fixated them too long on him. “Look at me, Ryon.” he asked, almost begging, and the older man couldn’t help but obeying him, his breath short and his heart on the verge of stopping while he stared at him, while he watched his almost pained expression, while he still felt him moving inside, now so fast that it almost hurt.
Then he felt him coming, scorching hot, and he couldn’t hold back a moan, offering his hips to the last of Shu’s thrusts, before the younger one collapsed on top of him, worn out.
It was over for real now, and Ryosuke wished they could’ve started once again, so not to lose that feeling of wholeness, to still feel Shu on and inside him.
He wished it could’ve gone on forever.
But the younger man seemed to come back to himself, he pulled up and slipped out of him with a groan, while Ryon bit his lower lip for the sudden feeling of emptiness.
He saw him laying down next to him, pulling the blanket up to his hips and then turning to face him with a smile.
“Why are you always frowning after we’ve had sex?” he asked, curious, rolling on his hip and keeping his head up on a hand.
Ryosuke wasn’t watching him; instead, he felt like pulling the sheet over his face, hiding from those eyes burning him, almost fearing that any moment now Shu could’ve read his thoughts just by looking at him.
“I’m not frowning.” he defended himself, then shrugged. “I’m glad. For real.” he whispered, embarrassed.
He saw Shu smiling, and if he hadn’t known him all too well now Ryosuke would’ve taken that as mockery.
But it wasn’t, because the younger man had learnt soon how little convenient was for him to mock Miura, and he had learnt to do it for much more trivial stuff than that.
Ryosuke was sincerely grateful to him about it. He already felt uncomfortable enough without having to add new reasons to be.
Shu got closer, pressing softly his lips on his and then sighing.
“Can I stay?” he asked, moving further down the sheets. “I really don’t feel like taking a taxi at this time of night. And we’ve got shootings in the morning.” he pointed out, but the other one didn’t need this detail to be convinced.
“Of course you can stay.” he murmured, slipping with him under the blankets and turning to face him, a hand underneath the pillow. “You know you can stay whenever you want, I told you that.”
He got another kiss for that, probably as a sign of gratitude, then Shu muttered something very similar to a goodnight and closed his eyes.
Ryosuke felt like laughing; he had always envied that surprising ability to fall asleep wherever he was.
He sighed, still turned toward him.
He liked watching Shu. He liked it, even though it didn’t make him feel at ease as he would’ve wanted.
The first time they had found themselves in bed together he had felt confused, not completely in control of himself and his own body, but he was sure he had liked that. Even a tad too much, thinking about it.
It had gone on for over a month, and neither of them had ever said too much about the nature of that relationship; Ryosuke had no idea of what Shu thought about him, he had no idea what he represented in the younger man’s life, if he was just someone to have sex with whenever he felt like it or if it was something more.
He sighed again, even less relaxed than before.
Those were thoughts he shouldn’t have lingered on, and he knew it, but it was Shu’s own behaviour to force him to that.
Ryosuke loved him, and there was no doubt about it. It had been a weird epiphany, arrived straight away, when he had realized how much he desired for Shu to stay with him that night, when he had realized how good his presence made him feel, how he waited the end of the shootings everyday just to find out if he was going to spend the night with him.
And more often Shu asked for his presence, and more often they found themselves in Ryon’s apartment, and every single time they ended up in bed together.
Ryosuke wished he could’ve talked to him and asked him what those nights meant, but he always found tenths of reasons not to.
Because he didn’t want to deny those moments to himself, in case Shu didn’t feel the same way about him, in case he should’ve decided to end it there.
Because he was ashamed of what he felt, and he would’ve been even more finding out he was the only one seeing it that way.
And because he was afraid. Afraid of Shu’s answer, afraid of hearing he wasn’t worth it, afraid that the younger man could destroy that feeling that Ryosuke had nurtured in silence for all this time, and on which he was by now addicted, so much as to can’t afford himself to lose it.
He leant forward, kissing Shu softly on the lips, careful not to wake him.
He couldn’t explain why the kiss, just like he couldn’t explain why he always frowned after sex, just like he couldn’t explain to Shu that for him it didn’t end at that.
Ryosuke had been sitting on the couch for a while now.
His hair were tied, he wore the most comfortable clothes he could find and was studying the script, focused.
He squinted from behind the lenses, while the tiredness started to show.
He abandoned the script on the coffee table in front of the couch, raising his arms and arching his back, hearing his stomach growl.
He grimaced, before eying the kitchen’s door, where Shu was laughing.
“Welcome back.” he mocked him. “At some point I was afraid you had fallen asleep with your eyes open and wasn’t really reading the script.”
Ryosuke took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes and smiling.
“I’m sorry. I was a bit absorbed.” he justified himself, standing up.
“You’re hungry, I suppose? I’ve made omurice, when you feel like you can come eat.”
“When did you start cooking? I didn’t even notice.” the older one opened his eyes wide, getting closer to the kitchen and actually smelling the food.
He was definitely starving.
“When I came out the shower. Seriously Ryon, I don’t understand how did you not see me or hear the dishes. Your focus is really admirable.”
Ryosuke smiled, shaking his head.
It wasn’t really focus, more the thousands of thoughts passing through his mind distracting him.
He had to read again a lot of the pages for them to stick, and he still wasn’t sure he remembered the lines.
But it wasn’t necessary for Shu to know that, like everything else.
He sat at the table, tired, and it felt quite nice. He didn’t mind at all the idea of Watanabe cooking in his apartment as if it was his home, he didn’t mind that kind of care toward him and that homely atmosphere, as if Shu really belonged among those walls.
But he tried not to think about it, and started eating.
“It’s delicious.” he complimented him, seeing him smiling and finally starting to eat himself, once he had had his approval.
“Well, I’m glad you like it. I’m not much of a cook, but the things I like the most turn out pretty good.” he explained, shrugging.
They didn’t talk much more during dinner, and Ryosuke found it definitely relaxing.
He felt like he was slowly wearing out, with the days going by.
He couldn’t sleep well at night, when Shu was with him because of his presence, when he wasn’t because of his absence, and during the day he always felt distracted.
What was the point, then?
If he compared his reasoning with the anxiety he felt and how much he was hurting himself, the lies didn’t make much sense anymore.
And still he watched Shu, he saw how calm and relaxed he was, how much he liked having him there, and he started doubting again.
He was exhausted, and he felt dangerously close to implode.
When he was done eating he told the younger one he would’ve done the dishes, since he had cooked, and so he thought to catch a break.
Shu, nevertheless, didn’t leave the room, and stayed there at the table without doing anything in particular, just watching him.
Ryosuke felt the stare behind his back, he clearly felt it, and didn’t know how much longer he would’ve resisted.
“Why don’t you go in the living room? When I’m done we can watch something. You can choose a movie, if you like.” he proposed, without looking at him.
He heard the chair moving, but instead of leaving Shu got closer; he hugged his waist, letting his chest press against Ryon’s back, then he rested his chin on his shoulder and started kissing his neck.
“Why do you always try to chase me away?” he mocked him. “If you keep going like this I will convince myself you don’t enjoy my company.”
Ryosuke shivered, feeling his lips on his neck, then a hand on his chin to force him to turn, so that he could kiss his lips.
“I don’t chase you away.” he whispered, letting go to the hug, barely smiling. “It’s just that...” he paused and sighed.
Shu let him go, staring confused at him.
And again Ryosuke had that feeling, that just looking at him the younger one could get inside his head; instinctively, he turned his back on him.
“Ryon... like this you’ll make me worry.” he said, a note of anxiety in his voice.
Ryosuke felt like he had fallen in a damn trap.
That was the right moment, he knew it, and he knew he couldn’t pretend any longer.
He turned once again to face him, and once again Shu’s eyes made him waver. He filled the distance between them and kissed him, bringing his arms around his neck and hoping that the other man would be swayed, giving in to the kiss and forgetting what they were talking about.
But Shu thought otherwise.
He grabbed his arms, moving them, and stared at him.
“Ryon, what the hell...” he just said, frowning.
“What?” he asked, suddenly bothered. “Now you don’t feel like it? And why should you be here, then? It’s what we do, after all. We have sex and that’s it, right?” he inveighed, feeling awfully close to tears.
He had imagined too many times to tell Shu what he thought, but never had he imagined he could lash out like that, that he could get mad at him, that he could feel so frustrated.
But that’s how he felt, and all he had accumulated during the past few weeks now had no brakes, and he was tired of keeping quiet.
“What do you mean we have sex and that’s it? I thought...”
“What exactly did you think?” the older one interrupted him, raising an eyebrow. “Did you think that I was okay with it too? Did you think it would’ve been easier? Yeah, right, why shouldn’t you do it, Ryosuke is so easy to take to bed that it’s not even necessary to waste something more on him.” he closed his eyes for a moment, then he opened them back and they were cold, determined. “It has never occurred to you that I could love you, has it Shu?”
It was the truth, pure and unadulterated, just like a child would’ve told it, and Ryosuke didn’t feel much different right now.
He had expected different reactions from him.
He had expected his disgusted look, that he would’ve gone without saying another word, that he would’ve said it was over.
Shu, instead, laughed.
He laughed and laughed and laughed, and it didn’t seem like he was going to stop anytime soon.
“Do you think it’s so funny?” Ryosuke asked, his pride hurt.
All the limitations he had imposed to himself, all of a sudden didn’t look so ridiculous anymore.
“Yes. Yes, I find it incredibly funny.” Shu answered, shaking his head and finally he was serious again, still without losing a hint of slyness. “You took your sweet time, didn’t you?”
The older man opened his eyes wide, taking a step back.
“What... what do you mean I took my sweet time? You... what?” he asked, confused.
Shu sighed theatrically, shaking his head and getting closer to him, grabbing his hips and pulling him closer.
“I mean I knew it already, Ryon. You’re not very good at hiding what you feel, did you know that?” he explained, shrugging. “I couldn’t be a hundred percent sure, of course. That’s why I’ve waited for you to tell me before doing anything. But...” he suddenly seemed uncomfortable. “What you said right now, that I don’t understand. Why do you think it’s just sex for me? Why should I ever...” he stopped, looking concerned at the older one.
Ryosuke had tried with all himself to fight the tears, but in the end he couldn’t.
He couldn’t even explain exactly why he was crying, but he didn’t feel in complete control of what he was feeling.
“What does it mean you knew? Then these past few weeks... you could’ve told me, you could’ve avoided me to feel like this, you could have...” he bit his lower lip, trying to calm down. He pulled away from his grasp, staring at the floor. “It’s what I thought in the end, isn’t it? If you really cared you wouldn’t have left me doubting.” he murmured, and quickly left the room.
He walked to the bedroom, hearing Shu’s steps following him; he closed the door behind him, locking it violently and leaning against the door, slipping on the floor.
He felt sick. It hadn’t gone according to his plans, at all.
While he said it was just sex for him, he wasn’t convinced that was truly the case, while now he didn’t know what to think.
He didn’t know if Shu had messed with him, if he had been deluding himself during all this time... he didn’t know how it was going to go, at it scared him.
“Ryon?” he heard Shu’s voice calling from the other side, and got tensed.
“Can you open, please? I want to talk.”
He hesitated for a moment, then moved away and turned the key, letting the younger one in.
Shu crouched on the floor next to him, taking his face in his hands.
“I’m sorry.” he murmured, caressing him slowly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” he sighed. “But you have to admit, you did nothing to help yourself. As far as I knew, Ryon, it could’ve been just sex for you, and I could’ve very well delude myself into thinking that I mattered to you.” he leant against the bed, letting Ryosuke leaning over him, and caressed softly his hair, pressing his lips against his temple.
“It’s not just that, and I wish you could understand it and be sure of it. I wouldn’t have kept showing up here, I wouldn’t have kept asking to see you, I wouldn’t have made you dinner, I wouldn’t...” he stopped, shaking his head. “I love you, Ryosuke. And forgive me for not having told you sooner.”
Miura felt to be on the verge of exploding again.
It was like when they were in bed together, and he felt his heart beating too fast in his chest.
It was a feeling he should’ve been used to by now, and yet he kept feeling exactly the same.
With the slight difference that, now, he was happy.
“I love you too.” he whispered, embarrassed, then he sat up, staring at him in the eyes. “And I would’ve wanted to tell you, there hasn’t been a moment when I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know what I was gonna do if you would’ve told me that you felt nothing for me. I... I didn’t want you to leave. To leave me alone.” he interrupted his rant, blushing.
Shu burst out laughing, leaning toward him to kiss him.
“I was never going to do it.” he pointed out, then sighed. “But I understand why you’ve thought that. It’s all my fault actually, knowing you I should’ve imagined you could be so stupid as to not understand I love you too.”
Ryosuke smiled, instinctively.
He had imagined that as well.
He had imagined Shu’s voice telling him he loved him, and his imagination wasn’t as good as actually hearing it.
He was back on him, unable to stop smiling; he hid his face under the younger one’s neck, while Shu laughed.
“Ryon...” he whispered, wrapping his arms around him. He didn’t say another word, but Ryosuke didn’t care.
He liked being inside those arms.
And he always had, but right now it seemed like it had a whole other meaning, as if he was finally free of all his doubts and fears; he felt incredibly good.
“Are you staying tonight?” he whispered against his skin, feeling the hold around him tightening.
“I’m staying as long as you’ll have me. You won’t get rid of me so easily.” Shu said, chuckling.
Ryosuke was ready to reply, to tell him to be careful what he wished for, because he was never going to want for him to leave, that he wanted him to stay forever.
But he kept quiet, one more time.
Perhaps he should’ve learnt from this experience, learn to speak up more, to ask clearly for what he desired.
Still, he didn’t think much about it. Now he had accomplished the greatest desire of all, and he didn’t have much more to ask for.