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How long would it take??

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~If I asked you to name all the things that you love how long would it take for you to name yourself?~


Sammy, Mom, Dad, Bobby, Castiel, Charlie, Kevin, Benny, Ellen, Jo, Lisa, Ben…

They are the things I love.
Me…I wouldn't be on the list.

Tell me what did I do to deserve love. Everything I do is ending in someone's death.

I said to Crowley 'Family don't end in blood' but if you are my family it is ending in blood,


There is a boy dying in my arms with a stab wound in his back because I wasn't fast enough, this is my little brother Sammy,

there is a woman on the ceiling, bleeding, looking down at her baby, my Mom,

there is a man on the floor in the hospital next to the bed, his heart stopped because he made a deal with a demon to save his oldest son, above is a young man crying for someone to help him, my Dad,

there is a man in the hospital, writing with shaky hands in his final breath numbers on a hand, my uncle Bobby,

there is in angel getting written out of existence, just so the older brother can speak on last time to his littel brother, my best friend Castiel,

there is a girl, lying dead in the bath tube in some motel room, dead because she is a genius and wanted to help her friend who had a curse, the little sister I never wanted, Charlie,

there is boy with burned out eyes lying in the cold floor, I promised him it would be okay and after all of this is over he would get the normal life he wanted so badly, the prophet Kevin,

there is a monster, a vampire, I helped him to escape, we became brother over time, he sacrificed himself for my blood brother, my friend Benny,

there are two women in a store, the one having the arm protective slung around the younger in the hand a trigger, they died in the flames so we could escape, our Forster family and only female influence, Ellen and Jo,

there is a mother lying in a hospital bed, at her side a little boy holding her hand, their memory blank from the horror they've experienced, blank from the love they once felt for the stranger in the door frame, Lisa and Ben

you all got hurt…just because of me, because I couldn't do it right, because I screw up, because I'm useless.

So you asking me how long it would take for me to write myself on that list, my name will never stand on it because I can't forgive myself for the mistakes I made