Awsten pressed his thumbs into Geoff’s throat as he straddled him, squeezing harder the more he struggled beneath him. Geoff looked up at him with beautifully pleading eyes as he desperately tried to gasp for air, his face getting redder and redder with every savoured moment. His efforts were entirely fruitless. He wasn’t strong enough to throw Awsten off with what was running through his system, corrupting every vein and artery. The combination of that and oxygen deprivation had him growing weaker the more he tried to fight. He pushed at Awsten’s chest and tugged at his wrists, not giving in despite how hopeless it all was.
Eventually his hands gave in for him, falling to the bed as he stared up at the ceiling and slowly stopped moving altogether. Awsten kept a tight grip on his throat and watched the minutes tick by on the nightstand’s radio. Unconscious wasn’t going to cut it tonight.
When seven minutes had passed and the cramps in his hands were too much to bear, he loosened a hand and took the lighter sitting the nightstand, careful not to knock over the candle burning there. Pins and needles made lighting it difficult, but he managed it and held the flame to Geoff’s glassy blue eyes. He didn’t react. His unseeing pupils didn’t distend. Finally.
Tossing the lighter into the nightstand’s drawer, Awsten let go of Geoff’s neck and blew out the candle. As he rolled off him, he shook out his aching hands. Standing, he stretched his arms up, then bent down to press a kiss to Geoff’s carmine forehead as he pulled his eyelids closed with his fingertips.
”I love you.”
He tried not to feel a little hurt when Geoff didn’t respond.
He turned up the radio, checking the display to make sure Geoff’s favourite station was playing. Music filled the room and Awsten took the AC remote from the drawer to turn down the temperature.
As he shut the drawer he straightened up, his eyes wandering over Geoff’s naked form, draped over tousled sheets. Although Awsten shouldn’t have expected him to, he didn’t look that different than if he were sleeping.
Awsten turned off the light and left, wondering if Travis wanted to do anything today.
- - -
Upon returning to the near freezing bedroom, Awsten noticed that something by Linkin Park was playing on the radio. He sat at the end of the bed and took his shoes off, listening to the song. It was fast and upbeat, with steady, confident rapping in the verses and more intense choruses. Not what he would’ve picked to set the mood, but he knew Geoff loved it.
Pulling off his shirt, he stood and looked at Geoff, spread out over the bed as Awsten had left him, but still different. With no running blood to warm his skin, his body had turned a patchy lavender, his hands and feet being a particularly deep hue.
Awsten’s gaze fell to Geoff’s darkened shaft, and as he unbuckled his belt he felt his heart rate pick up. He’d made sure Geoff was hard when he strangled him, Jawn having assured him that the drugs would keep him that way. Three hours later Geoff’s member was still erect, and Awsten made a mental note to thank Travis for the custom mix later.
The song came to an end as he kicked off his jeans and underwear. He switched off the radio, then opened the nightstand drawer to retrieve two condoms, his stomach tightening in anticipation. This was it.
Awsten climbed onto the bed, crawling over to Geoff on his hands and knees as he contemplated where to start. Sitting back on his heels, he opened the condoms and rolled one onto his half-hard length, then the other onto Geoff’s stiffness, which he took in his hand to give a few slow, contemplative strokes.
”I can’t believe you’re still this hard. Travis really knows his shit, huh?”
Geoff said nothing.
Awsten considered teasing him with his tongue as he usually would to make him squirm and beg. Geoff wasn’t about to do any squirming or begging now, though, and Awsten wasn’t sure how much he wanted to know what cold dick tasted like right now. Maybe another time.
Awsten ran his hands over Geoff’s cool, waxy skin, then moved forward to straddle him again. He jerked himself until he was properly hard and bent down to kiss Geoff’s neck. His fingers reached into and massaged the places on his torso that he knew were more sensitive and still Geoff didn’t respond. He didn’t sigh and bite his lip, or touch Awsten back, or hold his hips, or do anything to reciprocate. If Awsten bit and sucked at his collarbone no bruise would form, Geoff wouldn’t moan, he wouldn’t gasp, he wouldn’t plead for more.
He told me to do this. He wanted it, we talked about it, I promised I’d try.
Dominating him usually came so easily to Awsten, but what was the point if Geoff couldn’t truly submit? He couldn’t kneel for Awsten, or beg if he refused to touch him where he needed to be touched, or writhe and pull at ropes if Awsten tied him down.
He was overthinking it. Awsten could feel Geoff’s hard-on pressing against his less-than-hard-on and, fuck, the least he could do for Geoff was get off, and he couldn’t even keep himself up. He needed him to say something, give him some kind of affirmation, make Awsten feel like his beloved.
He pressed his forehead against Geoff’s cold shoulder, frustrated at the anxious thoughts, and made the mistake of reaching up to hold Geoff’s hand, searching for some kind of respite to make this easier.
It was like he had been burned. If nothing else felt unnatural, it was the frigidity of the hands that Awsten had so many times complained about for being too hot. In that nauseating moment he knew he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t make love to someone who couldn’t love him back.
After removing his and Geoff’s condoms, he announced something in a language nobody truly understood anymore, then took a deep breath. Sealing his lips over Geoff’s and pinching his icy nose, Awsten exhaled into him. He felt Geoff’s chest rise under his hand, filling with the life he offered. He tried not to pull away as he sucked back the now tainted air. He sat up and blew at the candle, which relit in response.
Geoff gasped and started coughing. Awsten quickly moved off him, giving him space to roll onto his side and nearly hack up his suddenly in-service lungs. Awsten searched the nightstand for the AC remote and turned up the temperature, then sat back against the headboard and waited for Geoff’s body to heal enough to function properly again.
As the room warmed, Geoff began to settle. His whole body quaked as he moved to sit against the headboard, next to Awsten.
Awsten pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “I freaked out and couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.”
Geoff touched his arm gently. His shaking fingers were still way too cold. “It’s okay. Our first time wasn’t gonna be amazing.”
”How was it for you?”
Geoff was quiet for a moment. “I mean, obviously weird, but I think I can understand why Jawn likes it so much. It’s probably much better when you know what to expect, and amazing when you’re into it. Everything was kinda muted but somehow magnified.” He moved to touch Awsten’s hand, but seemed to think better of it and pushed back his hair instead. “I get why Jawn said you should close my eyes the first few times, though. I could see you holding the lighter to my face and it would’ve been weird to be stuck staring at a wall for three hours.“
Jawn said he preferred to wait twenty so that his body was ice cold all the way through, but not everybody gets off on the experiences of dying and being dead. Awsten was relatively certain that Geoff didn’t.
”Fuck.” He frowned. “I really wanted to let you try it out and I couldn’t. It felt like I was trying to tell my head that you were alive when my whole body was telling me you weren’t. It felt wrong, like...”
Geoff put an unsteady arm around him, rubbing his shoulder. His hand was finally warming up. “It’s fine, I get it.”
Awsten looked at him. “If you want to try again, we can do it with Jawn and Otto some time. Obviously, they’re way more experienced than us, they’ll know how to make it good for you.”
”Only if this is something you really wanna get into. If you don’t, neither do I.”
Leaning into Geoff’s embrace, Awsten thought for a moment. “I think maybe if we did it with them it would be okay. I just need someone telling me that it’s alright and you’re enjoying it. Otto could use his empath magic to tell me what you want.”
Geoff kissed Awsten’s head, holding him close. “That’s a good idea.”
Awsten closed his eyes, drinking in the calming warmth of Geoff’s body. “That sucked.” He opened his eyes again. “Yo, we should make up for it with shower sex!”
”Do you want to?” Geoff seemed surprised.
Awsten sat up and kissed Geoff, then slid off the bed, playfully pulling him along. “What, too vanilla? I promise to keep it rough, I’ll even choke you again if you want. C’mon, I’m sad about freaking out and not fucking your corpse.”
Geoff was slower to stand, probably still getting used to his body being alive again. He smiled and kissed Awsten. “Sounds good. I’m still kinda cold.” He bent down and blew out the candle.