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Inheriting the Mustache

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Samwell Men’s Hockey does not learn Shitty’s real first name by stealing his birth certificate, or attending his law school graduation, or Lardo “accidentally” letting it slip.

No, they learn Shitty’s first name by watching C-SPAN.

He’s just one of a team of interns from Richmond, Woods, & Kensington, all of them schlepping untold cartons of evidence and asking “How high?” when told to jump.  Initially, that anonymity protects him, especially considering the notoriety of the defendant.  It doesn’t hurt that the lead attorney for the defense is wearing a suit of attention-grabbing pink and has apparently smuggled a tiny dog onto the Senate floor in her purse (“Bruiser is a licensed therapy animal, I have his certifications right here, Mr. President, and my client needs his presence in order to testify.  Unless, of course, you’d like to deprive a decorated war veteran of his necessary PTSD support?  Or risk him turning into the Winter Soldier during a flashback?”).

But someone in the production office realizes that the mustache is eerily familiar, and soon enough the camera zeroed in on that one intern in the front row of the gallery with BUCHANAN KNIGHT: GREAT-GRANDSON OF TIMOTHY “DUM-DUM” DUGAN scrolling underneath.

Honestly, after that, the revelation that he was descended from one of the Howling Commandos was pretty anti-climactic.

“THIS IS WHY I DON’T TELL ANYONE!” Shitty roared over Skype after the first day of testimony.  "There’s literally NO way to fucking explain ‘Hey, my name isn’t QUITE as lame and WASPy as it sounds, because I’m named after a total badass’ without opening up an even bigger can of worms, okay?  And then people like Jackabelle get a literal nerd-boner, which never ceases to be awkward.“

“Middle names are a thing, Shits,” Ford piped up, leaning over Bitty’s shoulder.  Shitty shuddered dramatically

“Oh, YES, Aloysius or Cadwallader are a big fuckin’ improvement, thanks SO very much!”

“Okay, yeah, no, ‘Shitty’ wins, hands down,” Nursey conceded with a wince.

“I refuse to believe that your bosses call you 'Shitty’, though,”  Bitty continued, still frowning.

“Hell, no, that is emphatically not modelling professional behavior for the baby lawyers in training.  With them, it’s either 'B’ or 'Knight’, and I allow Vivian to get away with 'Buchanan’ when no one else is around because she got me the internship interview in the first place … and has access to blackmail in the form of baby pictures.”

“Wait, hold up,”  Dex’s brow furrowed as he worked something out.  "Doesn’t that mean your full initials are BACK?“

Shitty buried his face in his hands as the entire team burst into uproarious laughter.

* * *

James Buchanan Barnes, alias the Winter Soldier, was not having a much better video chat, even setting aside the fact that this was only day ONE of his Senate Hearing.

"If you were going to name a kid after me, why in God’s name did you give him my goddamn middle name?”

Dum-Dum’s mustache was pure silver now and his laugh was a good bit rustier than it had been in 1944, but even at well over one hundred years old, this was still the man who went WAHOOing all over occupied Europe.

“Look, pal, do you have ANY idea how many James’s the rest of the Commandos produced?  Between Dernier, Morita, and Falsworth, they already had dibs.  Besides, my line was all girls until this little shit came along, so we had to take what was left.”

“You were already saddling him with with your god-awful middle names, why in the name of all that is holy did you have to tack on mine?”

Dum-Dum shrugged, completely unrepentant.

“You can blame his mother for that nonsense.  And it’s still better than what her rat-bastard ex-husband wanted to name the kid, but she had to come up with something appropriately posh and snooty to placate him.”

Bucky paused.

“What was he gonna name him?”  Dugan told him, and even the hardened assassin couldn’t repress a shudder.  "Yeah, okay, point taken, old man.“

Dugan’s grin turned positively feral.

"It was … not an insignificant factor in their divorce, I’ll tell you that for free.”