Jesse woke up this morning, lying in Adam’s arm. It wasn’t Adam’s home, though. They tend never to go there, there’s not enough space for all five of them. Blaine’s house is still the most perfect location for their shared moments, even though they’re not living full-time there together any longer. That ended a few days after Alan’s birthday, last year. What kept them so tightly connected didn’t disappear, but changed shape when Alan finally left, and they didn’t feel so insecure and scared anymore, they didn’t feel as if they had to share every minute of their time, every molecule of oxygen around them, to make sure that connection didn’t fade away.
They felt it. Deep within their bones. Resting in Adam’s heart, in Cody’s eyes, in Leo’s lungs and in Blaine’s bone marrow, and in the worn-out patchwork of Jesse’s soul. What united them couldn’t be broken. Not even Alan finally leaving could break it. They could go back to their own lives, their own jobs, their own homes, and they could rest easy knowing they’d still feel connected waking up the morning after.
So now they still meet together, but they have to do it dancing around their schedules, and sometimes it’s just easier to meet one on one, or three at a time. They’re not counting the seconds they spend together. They know the final balance will be equal, one way or another.
So, last night Adam appeared in front of Blaine’s door. It was past dinner and they weren’t expecting him. Half an hour before he was exchanging jokes with Leo on the WhatsApp group Leo himself smartly renamed “The Frankenstein Monster”, and half an hour later there he was, one hand on the door frame, the other on the handle, heaving, his eyes alight and fixed on Jesse, his blonde wavy hair all tangled up on top of his head.
“I ran all the way here,” he said, “I had to see you.”
It still happens, every now and then. Alan’s not there anymore, guiding their actions with the sheer strength of his desperate willpower, but some days they still wake up with cravings and Jesse sees them appear out of nowhere, asking for him, and it still fills his heart with such melancholic longing he can scarcely stop himself from crying. In that urgency, in that inexplicable desire, in their fiery eyes and heated words, in the fierce touch of their hands a trace of Alan is still hidden, persistent. At some point Jesse thinks it will never disappear. He likes the idea.
He let him in, and Blaine disappeared in his study, recognizing it as one of those moments built for two people alone. Jesse thanked him with his eyes and they disappeared on Blaine’s bedroom. Adam pushed him down on the mattress and whispered all sorts of crazy nothingness in his ears as he fucked him for hours, relentlessly, as if he couldn’t get enough of him. Every time Jesse came he looked down and, even though he had come too, Adam was still hard, ready to take him again. From the front, from behind, up on their knees and holding onto the header of the bed. Jesse whined and asked “no more”, and Adam took him again and again, hard, overwhelming like the tide, whispering “I’m so sorry, kitten, but I can’t stop myself”.
It was almost dawn when they finally stopped. In between touching and fucking Jesse counted six orgasms for himself – it had never happened before in his life. He was worn out, completely spent, devoid of any residual strength and ready to slip in a coma for at least a hundred years. Adam welcomed him in his arms and they drifted to sleep together – the last thing he could feel before practically losing consciousness was Blaine slipping under the covers behind him a few minutes later.
When he woke up, Adam didn’t seem ready to do the same yet. He’s never this driven, sexually speaking, so Jesse imagined he needed time to recover, and let him sleep. He turned around and noticed Blaine wasn’t there anymore, so he slipped out of the bed to join him wherever he might’ve been in the house, and he found him in the kitchen. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, already dressed, a plain shirt and dark blue denim pants, one hand in his pocket and the other wrapped around the mug of American coffee he was slowly sipping with his eyes a little darker than usual and lost in contemplation of some random spot on the floor.
“Blaine?” he called him, walking in. He looked up and Jesse felt overwhelmed by a rush of wanting he had rarely felt coming from Blaine before. It matched almost entirely that first kiss they had exchanged on the dance floor the night of Alan’s birthday.
“You can’t behave like this, kitten,” he said. Once again, Alan’s nickname. Jesse tried to ignore the shiver. “I couldn’t even get close before dawn and then you fell asleep. What was I supposed to do? You were in my bed.”
“I’m sorry,” Jesse looked down, feeling awkward and awkwardly aroused, “I didn’t know--”
“Stop,” Blaine’s voice interrupted him curtly. Jesse heard him sigh, and then put the mug down on the table with a soft thud. “Come here.”
He already knew, before he got close, what Blaine wanted from him. He surrendered to his touch, let him kiss him, he tilted his head to welcome his wet tongue tracing swirly lines up and down his neck. Blaine’s hands closed urgently around his hips and tried to turn him around and Jesse whispered a “slow down” that was only half honest.
Blaine laid him down on the table, pressed a hand in the middle of his back to bend him over and thrust inside him with his eyes closed an a frustrated moan on his lips. He leaned into him, speaking against his nape in between kisses. “It’s been months since I last felt like this,” he said, “If I don’t fuck you I’m going to die.”
Shivering for the naked finality of those words, Jesse closed his eyes and took him, taking responsibility for saving his life as so many times Blaine had done with him before.
He only had a light breakfast, then he heard the doorbell ring and when he opened the door he saw Leo eagerly waiting for him, and he suddenly had the certainty that something wasn’t entirely okay with the balance of the universe. After one year or more or less normal, uneventful, uninterrupted routine, all his men were coming back to him with an urgency that didn’t feel normal.
Leo smiled and held out his hand for him. “Let’s go for a ride,” he said, and because he was smiling, and he was beautiful, and because Jesse wanted to see where this frenzy would’ve led him, he followed him. And they drove around in circle for half an hour, with Leo talking non-stop about his studies, and the stories he’s writing on the side, and exams, trips, projects and dreams, until Jesse put a hand on his knee and whispered “stop, please,” and Leo stopped the car and turned off the engine, turned to look at him and Jesse saw at the bottom of his eyes such a pit of need it had threatened him a little.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me,” Leo uttered with a shaky voice, “It feels like it felt last year. I woke up this morning and couldn’t stop thinking about you. There was no reason for it. I knew we had to meet for coffee this afternoon but I couldn’t wait that long. I had to see you sooner. I had to come.”
Jesse nodded slowly, leaning in to kiss him on his lips. Speaking close to him, with his hands cupping his face, he asked if he wanted to go to his house or if it would’ve been okay to go back to Blaine’s. Shaking under his fingertips, Leo trapped his lips in a hungry kiss, bit them and sucked at them and then pulled him closer to make him feel the hardness of his erection against his thigh. “I don’t know if I can get to any home, kitten,” he said.
Jesse bit his inner cheek to the point of feeling the metallic taste of blood on his tongue. Then he nodded and asked him to drive to a parking lot nearby. There, in the darkness and emptiness of that concrete tomb, he got on all fours on the backseat while Leo took him from behind, hands on his hips, hard enough to make his hipbones collide against his buttocks with every single thrust, their skins clashing together with an obscene slapping sound the echo of which faded away in the distance, absorbed by the thick walls of the building.
Afterward, Leo sat back in the driver’s seat and looked ahead of himself, embarrassed at his own behavior. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” he said, “I had never had sex in a car.”
Jesse chuckled, because it had happened, in the past, between him and Alan. Finally understanding what was the day all about, he stroked Leo’s hair and asked him please, if he didn’t have any other plans, to drive him to Cody’s. Leo looked at him, puzzled, but complied in the end, as he always did, as all of them always did, surrendering despite their best judgment to the overwhelming preternatural force tying them together.
Cody was waiting for him, even though he wouldn’t admit it. Standing awkwardly on his feet, he kept shifting his weight from one leg to the other, dancing the weirdness dance for his eyes only. “I didn’t wanna call you,” he said, torturing his bottom lip, “I thought I might bother you.”
“But you wanted to see me, didn’t you?” Jesse asked, getting closer.
Cody kept his eyes down, moistening his lips, letting out a little whine as he squirmed on the spot. “I thought you’d be busy with the others.”
Smiling patiently, Jesse leaned in and kisses him on his forehead, on the tip of his nose, on his cheek and, finally, at the corner of his lips. “But you wanted to see me, didn’t you?”
Just a second of hesitation and finally an admission, in the shape of a quick nod and blushing cheeks, promptly hidden against Jesse’s chest in a needy hug. “Please,” Cody whimpered, clinging to him, “Please, do something.”
Jesse got down on his knees, taking him in his mouth. He was spent – the night and day had drained him – but Cody deserved something, he too had needs, and if anything there was a circularity to it, to starting with Alan’s heart and ending with Alan’s eyes passing through his core and his breath in between, an idea of something complete Jesse didn’t want to break.
He sucked him off slowly, swallowing down every last bit of his orgasm, and after Cody came he whispered “thank you”, and he was just about to call him kitten too, but Jesse felt it come and stopped it at the K, covering Cody’s lips with his own. “Don’t,” he said in an evanescent smile, “I know you wanna call me that, but don’t. I’ve heard it enough time, today. I’m not sure I can take more of it.”
Cody looked at him silently for almost a full minute, before nodding and hugging him tight.
Jesse left half an hour later. A few cuddles, a few more kisses, the promise of a phone call later that night, a brief text in the Frankenstein Monster group to make sure all his men knew he was okay even if he was going to turn his phone off for a couple of hours, and then he rushed to the bus stop, destination: the graveyard.
That’s where he is now. It’s a beautiful day, the sky’s an impossible blue, no clouds on the horizon. The trees are heavy with birds singing for springtime, chanting hymns to life Jesse would’ve found out of place in a place like this up to a few months ago. Today, though, it feels right. He closes his eyes and breathes in the smell of freshly mowed grass, the smell of the flowers brought close in whirlwinds by the breeze dancing around him. There are people around, perhaps because it’s such a nice warm day. Everyone’s tending to the grave of their loved ones. They clean the headstones, water the flowers, sweep the surroundings. Some of them talk to the pictures.
Jesse takes a step forward and places the tips of his index and middle fingers at the corner of Alan’s lips, the little curve upwards it made when he smiled. He looks beautiful as always, his blue eyes warm and welcoming despite the flatness of the picture. “Hey,” he says smiling, “You were missing me, right? I got your message loud and clear.”
He knows it’s not possible, but for a second it seems Alan’s smile got a little wider upon hearing him talk.