WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC SELF HARM
I watch as Ashton plays his drums, warming up. I could watch him for hours to be honest, i would never get tired of being able to watch him do what he loves.
I sometimes get annoyed that i'm stuck at the front of the stage, while Ashton is looking gorgeous at the back.
"Yes?" i turn my body towards Calum who is looking at me with a raised eyebrow, everyone is looking at me and i can only assume that they all saw me looking at Ashton.
I cross my arms over my chest, rearranging my bracelets, I look over to Ashton and see him looking at me as well, he laughs and shakes his head making his curls bounce around.
"Do i have something on my face luke?" Ashton says with a hint of teasing in his voice.
My cheeks flame bright red and my hands get sweaty, i just shake my head numbly at him and hope thats enough of an answer, i am met with the booming sound of laughter form everyone on set, which just makes me blush even harder and tighten my arms around my waist.
"Okay guys come on now that luke has stopped day dreaming we can get back to practise!" Calum yells out.
I know it was a joke but i still feel the self hatred come crashing down onto me.
Fag Luke, you're just a fag
I scratch my arms subconsciously, feeling the all too familiar itch on my wrists.
"Actually Calum thats the end hometime!" One of the on set people yell out and i can't help but blow out a breathe i didn't know i was holding in.
"Cool, Luke the boys and i are going to get some pizza, wanna come?" Michael asks me and i know his intentions were in the best place but honestly i just wanted to go home, have a drink and remind myself of how disgusting i am.
"Nah don't worry, you guys go have fun, i'll see you tomorrow" i smile at the end to give them some reassurance but from the look that michael gives me i can tell he doesn't believe a word.
Michael leans in closer to me and whispers in my ear.
"Mate you sure you're alright? you don't want me to stay with you tonight do you?" he asks his voice filled with worry.
I sigh, i'm causing michael stress, i'll just add a few more scars and drink a few more bottles tonight i guess.
"Nah mate i'm sweet, you guys have a good night though yeah?" I watch as michael nods but i can see he doesn't let it go completely.
I watch as michael makes his way back towards the boys who are standing next to the drum kit, laughing.
Michael says something to the boys and calum and ashtons heads both whip up to look at me, i'm not the quickest so i quickly look down and fiddle with my iphone pretending to be busy. I hear someone make their way over to me and once i hear a cough i know who it is, i look up and am met with the shitting grin of the one and only
"Hey mike said you weren't feeling the best, you alright?" Ash furrows his eyebrows in something i can only describe as worry, i can feel myself smile a bit at the thought of Ashton actually caring about me.
But why would he worry about a worthless fag like you?
I can feel my whole body deflate in self hate, pressing in and in at the sudden realization of what i am.
A worthless, useless, ugly, fat, fag!
I can feel the itch start once again on my wrist, i have to get out of here quick.
"Hey you alright Lukey? you look a little pale?" Ash reaches out to touch my arm in comfort, but me being the fuck up i am, any touch sets me off and i fling back with a force, Ash looks at me with hurt visible in his eyes and i start to feel even worse, if thats possible.
"I'm fine, b-but i r-really need to go n-now a-ash, talk s-soon yeah?" i don't wait to see him nod and instead turn around and run for the back door, picking up my bag on the way out, i vaguely hear him yell out "Yeah okay, bye?" And then i'm out into the cold london air.
I love London. I do, but sometimes i just realize how far away from home i am and all the homesickness comes back and it becomes too much.
I run a hand through my blonde hair and sigh, i know what i'm doing tonight, the same thing i do nearly every night to be honest.
I shake my head and start the short walk back to the apartment.
The house pops into my view all too soon and before i know it i am opening the front door and kicking off my shoes. It's mild in the house and makes me shiver slightly.
Calum has left the radio in the kitchen on again and i can recognize the sound of 'Say Something' has just started, i have to scoff at the ironic situation.
Walking over to the fridge i bend down and reach behind the jar of pickled turnips, to find the three bottles of vodka, i have to hide them in the fridge or else the boys will wonder what the hell we have three bottles of bloody vodka for? I grab all three and close the fridge. I know its dangerous to have just hard liquor so i grab a bag of chips as well, with a struggle i make my way up the stairs and into the first room on the right, which just so happened to be my bedroom.
I place the food on the bed and rub my arm, grabbing some new clothes i get changed, into my sad clothes, they consist of.
The baggiest sweatpants i have, one of the old tops of Ashtons that i nicked months ago and had a big rip on the sleeve, and some off Cals boxers.
I know that when i put these clothes on it means i don't have to worry about getting blood and liquor on them, after getting changed i open the first bottle of liquor, deciding that i'm not very hungry right now, i leave the chips.
On the floor i lean against my bed, humming an old forgotten tune, my head is swirling and i am all too aware that i have nearly finished the first bottle of vodka, and i haven't even touched the chips...
"And i, will stumble and fall...i'm still learning to loveee, just starting to crawl..." My lips start to tremble and i can feel my throat closing up, when i swallow it feels like i've swallowed a tennis ball and it feels painful.
"S-say something i-i'm giving up o-on you..." My voice trails off softly as the sobs erupt from my throat, sending me forward, clutching my arms, i wail loud and clear, it sounds like something breaking and it is, my heart, breaking at the thought that, someday Ash is going to meet a girl, that one day Ash is going to marry that girl and that one fucking day, Ash is going to have babies and grow old only to eventually die with that girl.
And to be honest, that thought breaks.my.heart
"Why do you have to be a fag luke?!" I shout at myself angry
"Why do you have to like boys?!?! Why can't y-you b-be F-FUCKING N-NORMAL!" I bang my hands against my head out of frustration at the world, at god, at myself.
I sigh and bring my hands down, they are shaking and red from hitting myself, but the pain felt good and then i'm reminded of how much i deserve the pain. I'm remembered of the looks everyone in school gave me when i would walk through the front gate, i'm remembered of the punches and kicks i would receive after school while cal and mike would wait at my house with Ash for band practise. I close my eyes briefly and i imagine the blade running across my skin, watching the beads of red liquid surface quickly, and i imagine as i watch myself watch the blood run down my arm and drop onto the floor. i imagine it.
"N-need to f-feel better" I mumble sadly to myself, the alcohol doing a spot on job of messing me up.
Bringing the bottle with me i take big swigs of vodka and then i am happy when my vision starts to go blurry and i feel numb again. Walking into the bathroom i pull out a razor from the drawer, i have my own bathroom so i see no reason as to hide the blade that well. I fall to the floor in a heap and roll up the sleeves of Ashtons top, as i pull away i see all the horrid scars which litter my wrist, a maze of white, pink and some purple lines, its disgusting to look at and all of a sudden i find myself flinching at them, the way they remind me of my self worth, of my self confidence, how i'm all alone and the boys have no idea.
I slowly drag the blade across my wrist, the familiar burn attacking my wrist alone with the feel of the red hot blood trailing down my arm towards my elbow, i know that i am shaky and drunk, and in absolutely no state of mind to be holding a razor, but then again i should never be holding a razor to my wrist, i shouldn't, but i deserve it all i deserve the pain and i'm so numb now, so numb.
So when i cut extra deep, i feel only a slight twinge of pain, but what i do feel?
Ashton ripping the blade from my hand and watching him throw it away into the bin. I look up at the bathroom door wearily and see a fuzzy michael and calum with tears streaming down their cheeks they are walking into the room as well and i can hear the boys crying and hugging me, i am all too out of it to feel the sting from the disinfectant that Ashton presses hard against my arm, someone starts to wrap up my arm after that and i can feel the bitter sweet pain of reality come back to me a bit and i am aware of people hugging me and kissing my forehead, i'll be alright, i know i will, but it's worrying when i can see Ashton crying and saying things to me and i can't hear him, his words not going through to my brain, the sense of reality i had before is floating away.
I can feel my head feeling lighter and lighter and then when i feel as though i am about to lift off the floor and fly.
I fall onto my side and pass out.