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The Truth Behind Chachamaru

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            You loved sweet things. Whether it was chocolate, cake, sweets or just tea full of sugar, it didn’t matter. As long as it was sweet, You was there. He also loved anything cute; stuffed toys, animals or just pictures, it didn’t matter. He liked cute things.

            Chachamaru was cute, with his honest smile and easy going nature. He was also sweet, mothering the rest of GacktJob and keeping them all together. He was always the one who solved arguments and disagreements. The one who gave you paracetamol, even before you complained about your headache. The one who hugged you when you cried and smiled when you laughed. He was always putting his only desires second to those of everyone around him.

            Needless to say; You was madly in love with the older man. The problem however was that Chachamaru was so hard to read, that You was scared to even make a move. He didn’t know anything about Chachamaru’s private life. The other guitarist was always quiet and secretive about his own affairs. You didn’t even know if Chachamaru preferred men or women. What if he somehow insulted Chachamaru by coming on to him? It was by far better to have Chachamaru as a loving friend, than an enemy.

            Perhaps wanting more was just being greedy? He should be happy with what he had got. Problem was, he was lonely. He needed a man in his life and his heart would only let him choose Chachamaru.

            “You’re deep in thought today,” Ju Ken commented, as he sat down beside You and took a drink from the bottle of water he was holding. “And don’t tell me you’re just thinking about work, recording a single doesn’t require you to get that lost within your own mind.”

            “I was thinking about Cha,” You admitted. The best lies always were rested in truth. “I was just wondering why he never tells us anything about himself.”

            “What do you mean?” Ju Ken asked puzzled. He’d never noticed Chachamaru being quiet or secretive.

            “Haven’t you noticed?” You asked. “He never tells us anything personal.”

            “Just yesterday he was telling me about his favourite game.” Ju Ken replied, even more confused now.

            “Yeah, a game,” You replied. “Or a book he’s reading, or something his cat did the night before. But never anything real. For instance, do you know how many siblings he has? What his parents were like when he grew up? What type of kid he was in school? His sexuality?”

            “No but I never asked,” Ju Ken replied, after a moment’s hesitation. “Do you?”

            “No,” You admitted. “But I should know his sexuality! Normal people mention their girlfriends or boyfriends to their friends but not him.”

            “Maybe he’s a secret hermit,” Ju Ken joked, laughing to himself for a moment before realising You hadn’t joined in. “Look You, if you really want to find out these things, go ask him. I doubt he’s being deliberately secretive. He probably thinks we won’t care.”

            “Maybe” You agreed, glancing through the glass window to watch Chachamaru play his guitar in the recording studio.

            “I think he’s gay,” Jun Ji spoke up, looking up from the magazine he’d been reading. “Pink trousers say it all.”

            “Straight men can like pink,” Ju Ken argued. “Besides, those were picked out for him by the costume designer. You can’t judge somebody by their stage clothes.”

            “Sure you can,” Jun Ji fought back. “I have orange hair because I’m on fire!”

            “Well, you’re certainly full of a lot of hot air.” Ju Ken teased, sparking yet another argument between himself and the drummer. You listened for awhile before giving up and going back to his thoughts. If only he could just figure Chachamaru out. Yes the man’s favourite colour was pink and he made no show of trying to be macho like the others did but that didn’t make him gay. Lots of straight men acted like that.

            Ju Ken was right of course. The only way to know for sure would be to ask Chachamaru to share but just thinking about it scared You. How on earth did you ask somebody if they were gay, after you’d been friends with them for ten years?


            The answer still hadn’t come to You several days later. He just couldn’t phrase the question without sounding like a complete idiot. It was ridiculous that he didn’t know. Frustrated at his own lack of self-confidence, he entered the recording studio and slumped on a chair, watching silently as the others arrived and Gackt gave his orders to Jun Ji who was recording first today. The two disappeared, leaving You alone with Chachamaru, as Ju Ken hadn’t arrived yet.

            “I hear you have something to ask me.” Chachamaru commented, looking amused.

            “Huh?” You asked, having not really been listening.

            “Ju Ken said some things the other day,” Chachamaru replied. “About you.”

            “That bastard!” You exclaimed, as he realised the bassist had told the guitarist everything. How could Ju Ken do this to him? He probably thought he was helping but that didn’t make You feel any less betrayed.

            “I thought he was having a laugh at first,” Chachamaru admitted. “How can you not know these things?”

            “You never told me and I never asked.” You replied with a sigh.

            “I guess I just thought you knew.” Chachamaru replied.

            “How come you never even mention a girlfriend?” You demanded.

            “I don’t know. I’m not doing it on purpose. I guess because everyone else always has so much to say, I don’t get my turn,” Chachamaru admitted. “Besides I haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 19.”

            “So you’re…” You began in delighted surprise.

            “Gay, yes,” Chachamaru replied. “Don’t look so surprised. You know all about male relationships. Couldn’t you tell?”

            “I suspected but I never knew. Not for sure. I guess I felt I was being too hopeful and… I didn’t mean to say that.” You finished blushing.

            “Oh,” Chachamaru replied, taking his turn to be surprised. “I see. You like me?”

            “I... Yeah kind of.” You admitted. His face felt like it was on fire. What was he doing? He should deny everything! Curiosity was getting the better of him though. How would Cha react? Probably surprised before letting him down gently, crushing any hope You had left.

            “I’ve never even thought about you that way,” Cha admitted. “Not that you aren’t attractive, just it never occurred to me to even think about it.”

            “I see.” You replied flatly. It didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. That was a plus.

            “You are one of my best friends,” Chachamaru continued. “I think our relationship could survive a failure in the romance department, don’t you?”

            “What?” You asked, taken aback. Was Cha really suggesting he’d give this a try? He never got a chance to find out though, as Ju Ken chose this moment to arrive. The mood was broken and You glared at him. Angry for being interrupted.

            “Ah,” Ju Ken said, noticing You’s mood. “You found out. In my defence you never said to keep it quiet.”

            “You knew he’d be mad though.” Chachamaru commented, with a disapproving look.

            “So? You two together yet?” Ju Ken asked, trying to change the subject away from his error in judgement.

            “Why would we be together?” You asked coldly.

            “Because you’ve been lusting after each other for as long as I’ve known you.” Ju Ken answered, getting a death look from Chachamaru. “Look, you really shouldn’t tell me secrets if you want them kept that way!”

            “You just like to stir things up.” You accused.

            “I prefer calling it “playing cupid.”” Ju Ken said with a ‘forgive me’ smile.

            “You make us not want to get together.” Chachamaru informed the bassist, looking less than amused.

            “But I booked your restaurant table already!” Ju Ken complained. “I was going to treat you to a meal in honour of you both finally seeing sense and getting together.”

            “We haven’t yet.” Chachamaru and You said at the exact same moment.

            “But free food!” Ju Ken exclaimed. “You have to go now! It’s official.”

            “Looks like we have no choice.” Chachamaru said, wrapping an arm across You’s shoulders. “Ju Ken’s decided we’re a couple so that’s how it is.”

            “He is cupid after all.” You agreed seconds before Ju Ken began to celebrate their official couple status. You wished he could join in but it was just so sudden. They didn’t even know if this would work out yet.


            “Shouldn’t you be happy?” Gackt asked later that day, as he was helping You choose something to wear for his first date with Chachamaru. “Isn’t this what you want? Because if it’s not, you really shouldn’t feel pressurised into it.”

            “It’s what I want,” You quickly assured Gackt. “Just not the way I wanted it to go.”

            “Cha was never going to ask you out normally,” Gackt replied. “Just like you were never going to make a move yourself. Ju Ken did you both a favour.”

            “I feel like there’s too much resting on this going right.” You complained.

            “Forget that straight away,” Gackt ordered. “Just go with the flow and if in the end you want to be friends, be friends.”

            “I guess.” You replied, taking a look at the outfit Gackt had decided for him. A pale blue shirt with well cut white trousers. Casual yet smart enough for a restaurant. Perfect.

            “Virgin white.” Gackt said with a wink.

            “I’m not…” You began to protest before he realised what Gackt meant.

            “I know but with Cha you are.” Gackt needlessly explained.

            “With Cha everything feels new.” You agreed, giving Gackt a nervous smile.

            “Everything will go great. Trust me.” Gackt replied with a smile.


            You arrived at the restaurant about ten minutes early, to find Chachamaru already there. He was looking at his phone but You suspected there was no text. He was only pretending.

            “Hey.” You called out and Cha looked up and smiled. He slipped his phone into his pocket, confirming You’s theory that it was just a pretence at looking busy.

            “You’re early.” Cha commented with a smile.

            “You were here first.” You replied, feeling his nerves slip away. This was just like any other time he’d hung out with Chachamaru. Only with the chance of kissing and more thrown in.

            “Want to go in?” Cha asked “I don’t like waiting outside. I always fear somebody will recognise me and start a scene.”

            “I’m the same. Though it rarely happens, unless I’m with Gackt.” You replied.

            “Gackt can be a curse sometimes.” Cha muttered, walking into the restaurant leaving a confused You to follow him. It wasn’t until they were seated and the waiter had left with their drinks order that You could bring him up on the matter.

            “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate Gackt just…. I guess I’m jealous,” Cha explained. “He’s your best friend and you were always around him. Acting like a couple and sometimes it even fooled me. But I suppose it doesn’t matter now.”

            “Gackt and I aren’t a couple,” You quickly informed Chachamaru, surprised to find the guitarist felt that way. “We had a thing when we first met. He decided he wasn’t gay but could be with the right man. I found I was. It broke my heart to be honest but I’m well over that now.”

            “I’m glad,” Chachamaru replied. “I wouldn’t be able to stand knowing for sure you were his.”

            “It’s crazy we both liked each other, yet didn’t speak up.” You replied with a smile.

            “They always warn you about hooking up with friends,” Cha said, as if thinking out loud. “I always listened but I shouldn’t have. I should have made my move straight away and risked been rejected. To find out you liked me…”

            “I know. It shakes your world.” You agreed smiling happily.


            Hours later the two men, slightly the worst for alcohol, came back out of the restaurant laughing like a pair of schoolboys. The date had gone well. There had been no awkward moments, or pointless small talk about the weather. Chachamaru had insisted on paying for the whole meal despite Ju Ken’s offer to pay and eventually You relented, knowing what that meant within gay circles. Cha was now officially dominant, which was fine. He was older and more experienced. Besides You know Cha wouldn’t be the type to never submit for him.

            “So,” Cha began, as they reached his car which had been closest to the restaurant. “I don’t want to be too forward but if you want…”

            “I don’t know,” You replied “If you want…”

            “Why don’t you come for coffee and we’ll see.” Cha suggested, making You smile.

            “Sure.” You agreed, feeling perfectly safe with his friend. It occurred to him that Cha was probably like this with everyone. Luring them to his house with such an innocent suggestion, seducing them, sleeping with them and definitely making them breakfast in the morning. He couldn’t imagine Cha being cold, even to a one-night stand.


            Entering Chachamaru’s house, You felt the usual sensations of safety and homeliness. The whole place was like Cha himself, warm inviting and a comfortable place to be.

            “I’ll go make coffee. Make yourself at home.” Chachamaru replied with a smile, as he headed for his kitchen. With a shrug You went into the lounge and took his favourite place on the sofa. Cha’s house was nicer than his place but then he was richer, having worked in the music industry for so much longer than You himself. You had always imagined staying the night here and today it could come true. Cha was willing. He could tell that. There was no reason for him to resist. Only thinking about sleeping with the other guitarist made him so nervous, he knew he wouldn’t be able to perform. Worrying about this, You waited for Cha to return with coffee.

            “You? Something wrong?” Cha asked, noticing how worried You looked. In his hands were two mugs of coffee, which he placed on the coffee table as he sat down beside You.

            “Nothings wrong.” You assured him, with a nervous smile.

            “I see.” Cha replied, knowing You was lying but choosing to ignore it. He was about to take a sip when You made his move. Leaning forward he initiated a nervous kiss, that Cha returned with reassurance. Wrapping an arm around You’s back the outside world was forgotten. There was no past, no future, only this moment existed. Who needed past or future anyway? The present was perfect just the way it was.