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Of all the things that Ben Solo expected when entering college, falling in love wasn’t one of them.
In fact, he didn’t expect good things to happen to him. Good things, after all, don’t just happen to Ben Solo. It’s one of those things he’s gotten used to. Even Snoke, who he thought he could trust, turned out to be a criminal. It says volumes about Ben Solo’s life, he thinks, that the person he thought he could trust turned out to be a criminal. He still doesn’t know, regarding Snoke, how much was genuine and how much was fake. He mostly puts those traits into his Supreme Leader character in The Force Awakens, with his relationship with Kylo Ren.
So Ben’s used to good things not falling out of the sky for him. Poe, though...
Poe’s one of the few good things that’s happened to him.
Poe’s funny. And kind. And always seems to be interested in what Ben has to say. It’s not often that people actually seem to care about what Ben has to say.
(Dad does, at least. And Snoke did — although Ben doesn’t know how much of that was a lie)
So it’s safe to say that yes, Ben is grateful to have Poe in his life.
***
It’s one day that Ben has to entrust in Poe’s computer expertise that he admires him even more. Poe comes over to Ben’s flat in order to fix it — and has to raise an eyebrow at the sight of so much clutter. “Storm hit?” Poe says, but it’s a friendly joke more than anything else.
Ben laughs. “I’ve been intending to clean, but...I guess things get in the way.” Not to mention the times he’s actually broken things in anger. It’s a bad habit, he knows that much — something he hates doing and thus gave to Kylo Ren. But he doesn’t tell Poe that. He doesn’t want to drive Poe away. Not when he’s got a good thing in his life.
While Ben starts cleaning, Poe tinkers with the computer. Ben swears that he hears Poe crooning softly to it, and he has to admit that he admires Poe’s tenderness with the computer. He mostly gets to swearing at it. It’s when Ben’s picking up the kitchen that Poe exclaims, “Got it!”
Ben nearly drops what he’s doing and runs to Poe, where Poe’s grinning excitedly. “Ben, I think I got your documents back,” he says. “I mean, not all of them, but — ’’
“Poe Dameron, you are amazing!” Ben grins at him, and Poe grins back. There’s a moment where Ben swears that they’re staring at each other too long, and he flushes.
“Thank you,” Ben says.
“No problem,” Poe says.
Later, on his recovered manuscript, he types up a scene where Rey has to bypass the Milennium Falcon’s compressor, and he swears that Poe has crept a bit into Rey here.
***
It’s not just the computer thing. Poe’s distracting. In multiple ways. The way he laughs, the way he smiles. The way he cares about what Ben has to say, the way Ben can get practically lost in those gorgeous brown eyes. Lost. Like he could fall into those depths and not mind one bit.
Poe’s captivating him in more ways than one. And...
It’s then that it hits him. Poe captivates him.
He loves Poe.
It’s something that hits him with the speed of an oncoming train. And he knows that his relationship with Poe won’t be the same again.
***
It’s not like other people flirting with Poe bothers him. Not really. After all, they’re not even boyfriends...
But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Poe isn’t his boyfriend, and Ben...Ben wants him to be, so badly. He wants to be the one to make Poe smile like he makes Ben smile, he wants to be the one that Poe looks at like he’s something. Yeah, something. There’s a lot he wants. He tries to ignore other people flirting with Poe, he truly does, but the problem is that it bothers him.
Realizing that he’s got it bad for Poe doesn’t help matters either.
It’s after he manages to get back to his flat that he kicks the wall. Hard.
All it really accomplishes is hurting his toe. Dammit.
Ben slumps on the couch and buries his face in his hands.
***
Ben continues to write. And sometimes he swears that it’s a game of see-if-Poe-notices, from the descriptions of Jacob Sunrider to just about everything else. It might as well be a game of trying to shout to Poe that he loves him and trying to see if Poe notices, if he’s to be perfectly honest. Finally, when he and Poe get into an argument, over something Ben doesn’t even know what it’s about anyway, he blurts it out.
“I love you.”
Poe’s eyes widen. “Ben...”
“I — I do. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me and good things don’t just happen to me, and you’re so beautiful and kind and funny and — ’’
“Ben. Ben.” Poe’s voice is soft. “It’s okay. I love you too.”
And there’s something about it that sends a sort of relief through Ben he hasn’t thought possible. “I never thought you’d say it. Poe...”
He draws Poe into a tight embrace, and buries his head in his shoulder.
“I’m probably going to be bad for you,” he says.
“You’ll be good for me.”
Ben can only hope. Right now, though, he’s happy, a good thing’s finally happened to him so far. He doesn’t know how it got that way. But he’s grateful, right here, right now, that it’s there.