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Momentary Insanity

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Artwork by ENSM31

 

Sunday

Felicity’s heart hammered against her front door when she collapsed back against it. Her high heels went sailing into her living room and made a satisfying thud as they collided with her bookshelf. She stumbled across her living room, half blinded from her tears. Felicity Megan Smoak had done a lot of stupid things in her life, but tonight had probably taken the cake. She’d made a huge mistake and she had no idea how or if she could fix it.

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid,” Felicity told her raccoon-eyed reflection in the bathroom mirror.

She didn’t know what she’d been thinking. When she saw Oliver and Tommy sitting at the bar, she’d been overcome with a sudden sense of boldness. Kissing them both had been madness, but once Oliver accepted her challenge and kissed her, she couldn’t not kiss Tommy, especially when he was looking at her with such hope, desire and sadness. She wasn’t sure where the idea to ask them to kiss each other came from. Their kiss had been surprising in it’s intensity, but what had been more surprising was how watching them kiss made her feel. She hadn’t been jealous, she’d been aroused. Tommy and Oliver pulling each other close made her want to see more. She wanted to watch them touch each other and she wanted them to touch her too.

Felicity angrily turned on her shower and turned the temperature as hot as she could stand. Her thoughts were utter lunacy and she hoped the water would burn the chaos from her mind. She’d recently accepted that she was in love with both men. Even if she wanted to, she had no idea how she would pick between Oliver and Tommy. Both men had become essential to her life. From recent, tragic, history, Felicity knew all too well what happened when one woman loved these two men. Oliver and Tommy had worked hard to get their friendship back on track, and she wasn’t going to be the one who drove a wedge between them again. Oliver and Tommy were lost without the other. She refused to come between them. “Even alone, my brain thinks of the worst way to put things,” she chastised herself.

Felicity was familiar with Oliver and Tommy’s extensive playboy pasts – she’d familiarized herself with everything she could find about them online. In everything she’d read and watched, there was nothing that hinted that either man had ever been involved with another man. She’d taken Tommy at his word that he and Oliver had only fooled around under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He’d made it sound like it had been a lark - like it was something they would do when they were bored. What she’d seen between them was no lark. Their kiss was full of pent up passion and desire. There had only been a moment of hesitation before they came together. What she’d witnessed was the reunion of two people in love. The memory of Oliver cupping Tommy’s ass made Felicity groan. Her head fell against her shower’s tile wall, and she began to weep.

Felicity had been convinced for weeks that both men were equally in love with her, and equally fearful of hurting the other. It was the only way she’d been able to be around either man. She knew they were suffering as much as she was. Now, as she stood beneath the spray of her shower, she was just as certain that Tommy and Oliver were in love with each other. She seemed to have found herself in the middle of a problem that even her genius intellect couldn’t solve. She sank to the shower floor and rested her forehead against her knees, “Frack me.”

When the water in her shower began to turn cold, Felicity reluctantly turned the water off. The sound of her shower curtain pulling back was harsh and she shivered as the cool air struck her skin. She wrapped a towel around herself and gathered her dirty clothes from the floor and walked slowly to her bedroom. She flopped onto her bed and stared at her ceiling. Her thoughts were running wild and she was desperate to talk to someone, but the only person she could imagine sharing her insane thoughts with was Tommy.

As she continued to stare at her ceiling, she began to think of her mom. Donna Smoak was someone who embraced life with both hands. She never overthought things or second guessed her decisions. Her mom wouldn’t be beating herself up for kissing two attractive men. She wondered what her mom would think to hear that Felicity was in love with two men. She would probably instruct Felicity to say whichever of their names popped into her head first and go with him. If Donna was feeling daring, she might tell Felicity to have sex with both men and then pick whoever was better in bed.

Felicity groaned at the thought of having sex with Oliver and Tommy and covered her face with her arms. If the way they kissed was any indication, she was certain that Oliver and Tommy were both very good in bed. There were plenty of online testimonials from former alleged paramours who claimed to have had amazing sex with Oliver and Tommy. “Hundreds of women can’t be wrong,” she muttered to herself.

She could feel her cell vibrate through the mattress. Felicity blindly felt beside her and retrieved her cell. There were two messages, sent nearly at the same exact time.

OQ: Home safe?

TM: Did you get home okay?

She replied with the same message to both.

FS: Home safe. Going to sleep. Goodnight.

Oliver wrote back almost instantly.

OQ: Goodnight, Felicity. I’ll see you Monday morning.

She watched ellipses appear and disappear on her screen as Tommy struggled with his reply. She smiled when his response finally came through. She could only imagine what he’d really wanted to write.

TM: Goodnight

Felicity put her pajamas on and got into bed without bothering to dry her hair. It was already early Sunday morning and it didn’t matter how frizzy her hair was going to be when she woke up. She turned off her lamp and laid in the dark. She could still feel their kisses burning her lips. For two glorious moments, she’d known what it felt like to be kissed by Oliver Queen and Tommy Merlyn. The memory would need to last her a lifetime because there wouldn’t be any more kisses between them. She wasn’t entirely sure there would be any friendships left when the sun rose the next day. She was certain she was about to have a broken heart, but she didn’t know if it would hurt twice as much for being in love with two men. Felicity turned her head into her pillow and wept.

 

Monday

Felicity nearly wiped out in her five-inch heels when she exited the elevator and saw Oliver perched on the edge of her desk. She nervously straightened her skirt and squared her shoulders before stepping through their office doors. It wasn’t even seven yet. Oliver rarely made his first appearance before nine.

She’d spent the past twenty-four hours preparing what she would say to Oliver when she saw him. If he brought up the kiss, she was going to follow his lead. She expected him to blame the whole evening on alcohol, and she was more than happy to do the same. Maybe they could all save their friendships if they blamed everything on too many shots and a joke taken too far. As she looked at him she realized she wasn’t prepared to speak to him at all. She bit her tongue to keep a torrent of verbal diarrhea from leaving her mouth.

A small smile played on Oliver’s lips. “You okay?” he asked as he handed her a cup of coffee from their favorite coffee shop, The Bean.

“What are you doing here?” she asked testily as she took the cup of coffee. The last thing she needed Oliver to be was kind and considerate. “Did something happen?” She felt panic grip her as she realized what she asked, “I mean did something happen with our pointy friend?” Heat flooded Felicity’s cheeks, “I mean our green friend? With the case?”

Oliver showed his usual grace and didn’t react to her nervous babble. “I know no one actually believes it, but I do work here,” he said with a wink.

She sighed, “Yes, I do realize that, but you don’t have anything scheduled until nine.”

“I was up, I thought there had to be something I could do,” he teased as he walked into his office. “I thought you said you had something urgent you needed me to look at.”

Felicity powered on her computer before following him. “There are six reports that I’ve read and annotated for you,” she pointed to the pile on the far side of his desk. “Tom – Tommy,” her voice sounded unnaturally high to her own ears, “thinks we need to pay attention to the numbers coming out of London. He thinks Isabel is up to something.”

“What?” Oliver asked with genuine curiosity as he took the report Tommy had told her to study.

“He thinks we should have Walter take a look,” Felicity continued as she sat across from Oliver. Before Oliver could ask, she replied, “I already sent it to Walter and he promised to get back to us today. Tommy thinks she’s moving funding between our overseas subsidiaries – like a shell game.”

Oliver scowled as he scanned the report. “Why can’t anything be easy?” he asked, his eyes locking with hers.

“I don’t know. Have you ever done anything the easy way?” Felicity’s office phone began to ring. She gestured to her desk with her thumb, “I better get that. Check your emails. I sent you the agenda items for your nine o’clock. You can’t let Isabel dominate the conversation with Carlyle. We can’t gut anymore funding from R&D if you want to put this place back on the map.”

“Thank you, Felicity,” Oliver said solemnly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“If you meant that, you would’ve brought me a muffin with my coffee,” she said as she walked out of his office.

 

Tuesday

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Tommy said from behind her.

Felicity was on all fours beneath the shelf that held the cash register behind Verdant’s bar. Tommy’s voice startled her and she hit her head on the underside of the shelf. “Frack,” she muttered as she crawled backwards.

“Sorry,” Tommy said, offering her his hand.

Felicity hesitated but accepted his hand, “Don’t you knock?”

“At my bar?” he laughed. He ran his hand over her head, “Are you okay?”

“I have a hard head,” she said stepping away from him. The warmth of his hand burned her skin and shot desire through her body. She was never going to be able to pretend that nothing had happened between them.

“Were you looking for a glass of red?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow.

“Rita called me earlier. She said that the credit card machine behind the bar wasn’t working well last night. She asked me to take a look,” Felicity answered. It had only taken a moment for her to realize the connection to the router was loose. She’d hoped she’d be able to be in and out of the club before they ran into each other. “You should be all set for tonight.”

“Thank you. I’ll let Rita know,” Tommy said with a smile. “I was on my way out.”

“You’re not working tonight?” Felicity asked with surprise. Oliver had just called her to say he wasn’t going on patrol.

The smile faltered on Tommy’s face for a moment, “There’s a game on tonight.”

“Have fun,” Felicity said as she stepped around him, careful not to touch. She feared she’d burst into tears if they touched. There was no question in her mind that Tommy was going to watch the game with Oliver – which meant they’d probably already made their choice and it wasn’t to be with her.

“Felicity,” Tommy said with uncertainty.

She turned to look at him.

Tommy dropped his head and stared at his feet. He raised his eyes and smiled, “It was nice to see you. Have a good night.”

“Night, Tommy,” she responded.

Felicity fought the urge to run to the basement. She walked away slowly, with measured steps. With a trembling hand she punched in the code to the basement and prayed Diggle and Sara hadn’t arrived yet.

 

Wednesday

Men.

Fracking men.

Men fracking suck.

Felicity wasn’t crying.

She wasn’t.

She had too much wine to drink.

She had too much time to think.

Her two best friends were pretending like nothing happened.

It didn’t hurt.

It was merely killing her.

Men fracking suck.

Fracking men.

Men.

 

Thursday

“Does that hurt?” Felicity asked Sara. She winced as the newest member of the team unwound the bloody tape binding her knuckles.

Felicity had spent the last hour watching Sara punch the hell out of Oliver’s punching bag. There was clearly something bothering Sara, but Felicity was afraid to hazard a guess. Plus, she was nursing the mother of all hangovers. Felicity needed to remember that drinking boxed wine was a surefire way to feel like hell for twenty-four hours. Whatever Sara’s problem was, it couldn’t be worse than hers.

“Not as much as other things,” Sara answered gruffly.

Felicity chuckled and took Sara’s hand to help her remove the tape. When Sara looked up questioningly, Felicity shook her head and said, “Oliver has said that exact same thing to me before. Is that the official motto of Lian Yu?”

Sara grinned, “It’s on my class ring, and Ollie’s letterman jacket too.”

Felicity surprised herself when she responded with a full belly laugh that made her brain throb. “I can only imagine what he would’ve lettered in on Lian Yu.” The smile from her face as she thought about all his scars. “Please don’t answer that.”

Sara bumped her shoulder into Felicity’s and gave her a knowing grin. “You’ve been quiet the past few days. Everything okay?”

Felicity opened a package of gauze and doused it in hydrogen peroxide. She dabbed Sara’s knuckles, and winced in sympathy when her patient hissed. “Everything is fine. Just worried about the break-in at Kord Industries. I wish I could figure out what this guy is after. What if he breaks into QC? Isabel will have a field day and we don’t need to have that kind of distraction right now.”

“We?” Sara asked, barely keeping a straight face.

Sara’s question brought Felicity up short. “We. Oliver and QC. He has enough on his plate without giving Isabel more reasons to think he’s an idiot.”

A broad smile spread across Sara’s face. “Ollie and QC – not you and Ollie?”

“Me and Ollie – I mean, Oliver? There is no me and Oliver,” Felicity said as she gathered the medical supplies.

“How’s Tommy?” Sara asked with a cheeky grin.

“Tommy?” Felicity could feel her face flushing. “What about Tommy?” The last thing Felicity needed was Sara circling in on the real reason Felicity was distracted.

“Nothing, he’s just seemed a little squirrely to me,” Sara answered. “He’s keeping a secret from me. Do you know what it is?”

“Why would I know Tommy’s secret?” Felicity asked as she walked over to the medical cabinet, eager to escape Sara and her line of questioning.

Sara followed Felicity across the room. “So, he is keeping a secret.”

Felicity spun around, “I didn’t say that.”

“You’re his friend, right? I mean, you two seemed awfully friendly the other day,” Sara said as she took the unused packages of gauze from Felicity’s hands.

“Yes, Tommy is my friend, but that doesn’t mean I know his secrets or that he has any secrets,” Felicity said as she shoved the bottle of peroxide into the cabinet.

Sara laughed. “Trust me. Tommy has lots of secrets.” She leaned in close and whispered, “Some of them, he even keeps from himself.”

Felicity studied Sara’s face. The other woman looked back at Oliver before returning to look at Felicity and then winked. Felicity wondered if Sara knew more about Oliver and Tommy than she did. “Everyone is entitled to their secrets.” She gestured towards Oliver and Diggle sparring at the far end of the room. “We traffic in secrets around here.”

Felicity returned to her monitors and checked on her searches. Sara leaned on the desk surface and brought up the feed from Verdant. Tommy was behind the bar, serving drinks, but his usual easy grin had been replaced by a fake smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “If Tommy is behind the bar, it looks like my break is over. Let me know if Ollie hits the streets.”

“Will do,” Felicity answered.

Sara placed a hand on Felicity’s shoulder, “I’m not one to take my own advice, but nothing ever gets better when you ignore it. I think you should talk to whoever is responsible for the dark circles under your eyes. What have you got to lose?”

Felicity was at a loss for words. She nodded and gave Sara a tight smile. Felicity wished it was as simple as talking to Oliver and Tommy about what had happened, but she had everything to lose if she did.

 

Friday

Felicity was an adult and adults communicated when they were having a problem. Clearly, Oliver and Tommy were freaking out. They were probably more freaked out than she was. They’d kissed. That had to be freaking them out. If they were going to get their friendships back on track, Felicity was going to need to take the bulls by their horns and force them back to normal. She could pretend like they never shared kisses. She could pretend that her heart didn’t race every time she saw them, or that she fantasized what would happen if they all kissed again.

Felicity was an adult. She was an adult who wanted her best friends back. It was silly to lose two amazing men as friends because of something as stupid and as fleeting as sexual attraction and a few tipsy kisses. She was going to stop waiting for them to say something or make the first move. She was going to do it. She was going to treat them like she always treated them – like her friends. Nothing had to change, not if they didn’t want it to.

Felicity glanced at the time. It was close to when Oliver would normally arrive for patrol, and Tommy would show up to work the Friday night crowd at Verdant. She was going to steer this relationship back into the friendzone, even if it killed her.

She picked up her phone and began to text.

FS to OQ: I think I found the guy who robbed Kord Industries. Diggle is on his way.

OQ: Heading to you now.

Felicity hadn’t discovered the name of the man they’d been hunting, but she was pretty sure she’d figured out where he was going to hit next. The man seemed unhinged. He’d already killed some of his own men. She thought Oliver and John could use some back up.

FS to SL: Hi. Busy tonight?

SL: Depends…. What to do you have in mind?

FS to SL: Catching a bad guy.

SL: That sounds like it could be fun.

FS to SL: Oliver and John are on their way.

SL: On my way.

Felicity’s stomach growled and she wished she hadn’t skipped lunch. She scrolled through the takeout menus saved to her phone and made a decision.

FS to TM: I’m placing an order at Cherry Blossom. Please pick it up for me on your way in. There’s gyoza and shumai in it for you.

FS to OQ: It’s not an emergency, but I need you stop for mint chip on your way in. I have a long night ahead of me and I need the sugar rush.

FS to OQ: No lectures.

TM: Only gyoza and shumai? I deserve a Starling City roll too.

FS to TM: You’re so demanding. Fine. I’ll get you a Starling City roll too.

OQ: What about judgment?

TM: You have a deal.

FS to OQ: No lectures. No judgment. Think, vow of silence.

OQ: Fine. I will silently judge.

FS to OQ: I can live with that.

Felicity placed her sushi order quickly. Knowing that Tommy and Oliver were both on their way to her filled her with a sense of calm. Their text messages had been normal. Everything was fine. They just needed to get back into their routine and forget Saturday night ever happened. She was an adult, and adults put their feelings aside for the sake of the greater good every day. She could do this. She was Felicity Smoak. She could do anything.