You may recognize several lines of dialogue transcribed directly from the episode... so, disclaiming those! And the characters don't belong to me either. Just playing with them! ♥
Lucifer and Chloe headed to the little room where the murder suspect was being held for interrogation, the latter explaining what would be needed to get a conviction.
"Well, whatever you need, Detective," Lucifer spoke sweetly. "I am solely here for you."
Stopping before the entrance, Chloe turned to Lucifer and said, “Look, I know what you’re doing."
So she'd been noticing his efforts - success! He gave a sly grin, replying, “Being the most selfless devil you ever met?”
This made Chloe shake her head, and she returned an insincere smile while saying, “You’re only helping me so that I help you back, which is actually worse than not helping me at all. So thanks, but no thanks.”
Worse? She clearly wasn't seeing sense! “But, Detective... Surely you can appreciate a benevolent gesture.”
“Save it, Lucifer! I know this case doesn’t matter to you.” She began focusing her attention elsewhere and Lucifer floundered for his next response.
“That’s not – "
Lucifer was interrupted by a sharp smack against his arse. He flinched but resisted a yelp, remaining speechless as a smug Daniel Espinoza continued past him with the complicit clipboard in hand. It looked deceitfully flimsy because that had stung! Lucifer could only stare in surprise as Dan and Chloe entered the interrogation room and shut him out. Rude... He didn't deserve such treatment from the ex-couple! They'd practically put him in timeout - after a humiliating lecture, no less! Well he'd just wait here like a good little boy then!
He settled back against a nearby desk, huffing, then pressed a hand over his left buttock. The lingering pain beneath his trousers was confusing. He’d had some rather kinky partners before and was able to handle heavy strokes from things like whips, canes and floggers. In fact, he was known in the local BDSM community to have an incredible tolerance for pain! This made him a desirable sub when he wasn’t choosing to dom during a scene. In any case, whatever was meted out on his arse only ever satisfied the definition of “love taps” in his mind. He never personally understood how a human spanking could be a proper punishment... until now! But why did Dan – oh! The detective!
With Chloe so near, of course he'd been rendered mortal and thus susceptible to physical injuries. Apparently, that included spanks. Lucifer pouted at this realization. He had to rethink ever inviting her to his kinky parties now.
He left this worry behind when the double-doors to the interrogation room re-opened. Chloe ignored him and stomped away, but he caught Dan’s attention easily enough by saying, “Ah, Detective Douche!” - which he quickly rescinded with hands up to placate.
“Daniel! Sorry, sorry, old habit. I think it’s because I’m distressed... and I need your advice. Oh, and an apology from you as well!” The pain from the smack was gone by now but the memory of it remained an irritant. And after Dan had turned to face him, Lucifer couldn’t help but notice how well-muscled the other man was through his shirt. No wonder his arm could pack a swing! He ought to be more careful about hitting his colleagues in jest, so it was only right to call him out.
Dan’s brow crinkled in confusion. “Apology? For what?”
“For hitting me! With – with that!” Lucifer pointed at the clipboard like it should be put under arrest.
"Oh, are you serious? That hurt you?” Dan had the gall to laugh.
Lucifer raised his chin. “Yes, quite! I ought to report you for assault!”
“Geez, didn’t know you had such a low pain tolerance. Good thing you weren’t on my high school football team ‘cause my coach’s ass slaps would’ve benched you! Anyway, okay, sorry man, I won’t spank you again.” Amusement was clear across Dan’s features but Lucifer decided to move on to his initial line of questioning.
“Apology accepted. Now, as for your advice - I’ve managed to somehow offend the detective and I’m not sure how to get our partnership to, uh... bounce back, so to speak.”
“Well, did you tell her you’re sorry?”
Lucifer scoffed, “Why should I apologize? All I’ve done is diligently help her with a case! She should appreciate my time, and it would just make sense for her to return the favour, wouldn’t you agree?”
Dan shook his head before replying, "Chloe’s not ungrateful for your help, she just doesn’t appreciate the reason why you helped her. Along with betraying her trust earlier, you should be sorry for being selfish and manipulating her to benefit yourself. She doesn’t deserve that... but she also doesn’t deserve a fake apology either. That’s all I think you could give her, so I don’t know if she'd ever accept it. From what I’m hearing - and from personal experience - it’s like you’re unable to show any genuine remorse for being an asshole.”
One word captured Lucifer’s attention. “Remorse? Well, the remorse I’ve seen usually comes from those who’ve been severely punished... Does the detective wants to see me in pain?”
“What? No! Of course she doesn’t want you to get hurt...”
Lucifer didn't seem to be listening properly. “Yes, yes! Why not use her ability to hurt me to some advantage? Hm... but how to go about this? I doubt she'd want to break my skin, after her reaction to my back... so Maze's tools would be questionable. No blood, just pain... A-ha! dear Daniel, you’ve given me an idea!
“I have?” Dan asked trepidly.
Lucifer continued, “You've proven it hurts well enough, so she could spank me! She can do it tonight. I’ll take a sufficient dose of smacks, enough that she'll believe I've made up for whatever she's mad at me about! Excellent! It’ll be worth having to react to pain like a human for a few minutes to stop all this nonsense.”
Dan couldn't believe what he was hearing. “Lucifer, stop! You sound crazy! I know Chloe would refuse to hurt you in any way, even if you deserve it... Besides, she’ll probably think you just wanna get off on something like this. Bad idea!" He paused to consider something else Lucifer had said, then added, "And that's not how a spanking works, dude. The person being punished isn't making it up to anyone. By showing remorse, that means they've learned their lesson... and they're forgiven.”
Lucifer's grin dwindled to a frown. "Well that's not my idea of punishment. No one is forgiven in Hell... Anyway, I’m afraid you’re probably right about the detective. I’ve suggested a playtime spanking once or twice to her, so she might very well be suspicious of my offer." Then the dark eyes lit up. "Ohhh, hold on! I was wrong earlier! The detective doesn’t have to do the deed, she just has to be near me! Voyeurism has its charm. She can just watch someone else give me a spanking - but who? She’d have to be rather comfortable with them, I suppose... ” Lucifer’s gaze darted to Dan’s hands with a glimmer of determination.
“No, Lucifer, I’m not gonna spank you!”
“Why not? You had no issue with hitting me earlier, and you definitely think I deserve to be punished in some way. Do you actually need my encouragement? Well, you have my permission to try and squeeze out - or beat out, rather - this feeling of remorse you say I lack. It’ll benefit everyone if I can work with the detective again. So, let’s say I invite you and Detective Decker over to my penthouse after work and we can get comfortable. I’ve got all the toys you need, and some rather innovative furniture to put my devilish derrière on display. Would you prefer - ”
“Shut up, Lucifer! Geez, it really sounds like no one ever spanked you growing up – which might explain a lot. Whenever my Pop spanked me, all he needed was a chair and his hand. Plus a belt or switch when I really asked for it... Oh Hell, why am I even talking about this? No one’s gonna spank anyone, and... I’m gonna get back to work now, okay? I hate to say it, but don’t ask me for any more advice.” With that, Lucifer was left alone again, still without a solid plan to get Chloe and him back to being partners. What a waste of time! Lucifer should've walked away the moment Dan suggested an apology. Well, he'll worry about the detective later. There was still the matter of Cain to deal with...
Time-skip here! The following is set after the end of the episode, so a lot has happened since the scene I based my previous part on. Again, being familiar with the episode is recommended, but... y'all can go ahead and enjoy the spanking bit! ;)
After making the deal with Cain - or Pierce, as he ought to continue calling him - Lucifer drove straight to LUX and went up to his penthouse alone. He was not in the mood for company, he decided, and began stripping off his clothes for a shower. Though pleased he had managed to convince Pierce not to leave (until they found a way to kill him, of course), Luficer was troubled by his revelation at the beach. So, his fellow immortal was not to blame for his regrown wings or absent devil-face. He believed now that God only wanted to thwart Cain’s convoluted suicide attempt. Instead of using Cain to sabotage Lucifer, it had been the other way around.
As Lucifer stood under the spray of hot water, he hesitantly tried putting how he felt into words. One of Linda's suggestions for whenever he was being... emotional.
Used. Exploited! Disappointed... Well, what was he disappointed for? Was it because dear old Dad had regressed Lucifer’s appearance as a means to an end? That it wasn't anything personal between them? If he was really honest to himself, a tiny part of him (whatever remained of his soul, perhaps) had wondered whether what happened to him in the desert was some sort of sign... that he no longer had to return to Hell, that he was welcome back at Silver City! A spike of hope had risen in for something he hadn’t known he yearned for... forgiveness... but to admit that would be to confess he’d done wrong all those eons ago - and he would never! Still, Lucifer couldn’t help but feel some heavy burden being lifted at the idea of his Father finally deeming his punishment over and not hating him so much as to banish him for eternity. However, no message or messenger had come to confirm and instruct. He remained in the dark where his hope wilted and died, turning over to more negative theories.
How pathetic he’d been, exerting himself to find out exactly why he’d been changed. Evidently, this was all about Cain, one of the earliest human creations. The Almighty couldn’t care less about His fallen angel son. The irony of it was sorely appreciated. Now that Lucifer could fly again, he felt lower to the dirt than ever.
Lucifer snarled and resisted the urge to bang his fists against the shower wall. Broken tiles were difficult to clean up. Instead, he shut off the cooling water and quickly towelled himself dry before donning his favourite silk robe. Exiting the bathroom, he headed in the direction of the Steinway Grand instead of his bed. He’d rather distract his mind with music than lose it in even more depressing thoughts, thank you very much!
Later into the night, Lucifer was so focused on the melancholic tune he’d begun composing that he didn’t notice the ding of the elevator doors opening until the expected guest addressed him.
“Lucifer! We need to talk, man... Are you even sorry for what happened at the beach today? I can’t believe you distracted Pierce in the stakeout van when my ass was on the line like that!”
Dan’s presence did little to improve Lucifer’s dour mood, and he didn’t even bother to stop playing to reply, “Oh, yes, I heard about your little tussle on the sand. With some surfer gal, was it? Why should I be sorry? Shouldn’t you be grateful? I’d wager it was the most action you’ve had in recent memory...”
It was a mixture of surprise, curiosity, and accustomed fearlessness that stopped Lucifer from fighting back when Dan got close and gripped the back of his neck. He was pulled up from his seat and shoved forward so that his body bent at the waist, and he couldn’t help but try to regain balance by throwing his hands down onto the keys. The resulting loud and dissonant notes were jarring enough that he immediately raised his hands to his sides, making him fall the rest of the way. As soon as Lucifer's chest hit the polished top of the piano, his arms were tugged behind his back and he felt cool metal circle his wrists. Dan had actually handcuffed him! Like some petty criminal over the hood of a cruiser!
“My my, Daniel! I should have guessed you had a frisky side. Do you intend to arrest me? Go on, pat me down... though if you feel something long and hard, fear not! It’s only my -” Before he could finish, the other man gripped his upper arms and spun him around to lock eyes. The look he gave made Lucifer hold his tongue, and he suddenly felt like he used to whenever Amenadiel came to admonish him and drag him back to Hell. Younger, smaller, vulnerable...
“I’m not going to arrest you,” In yet another flash of movement, Dan kicked the piano chair back a couple feet, sat down on its cushioned seat, and then pulled Lucifer down and over his lap. “but I am going to spank you.”
Dan’s thick thighs were spread to provide a sturdy support, but Lucifer was so tall that his knees were bent at almost a right angle and his shoulders hung down with his head. If his arms had been free, it would’ve been little effort to push himself off of Dan. As it were, the handcuffs were an effective measure against escaping from this embarrassing position without using his supernatural strength. Lucifer was unusually flustered and couldn’t help but declare the obvious, “You dare threaten to punish me?”
“You’ve earned it, and I have your permission, remember? This isn’t for the original reason you wanted to be punished for, I know... but you definitely have the same problem that needs to be dealt with – a lack of remorse. Now, you gonna let me try and teach you a lesson? Or do you want another friend to give you the cold shoulder? ‘cause I’m really pissed, Lucifer! I don’t know if I can work with you again if this is your attitude about putting me in danger.”
Lucifer’s first instinct was to tell Dan to piss off! The man could stay as far away from him as possible after this ridiculousness, and why would he care? They weren’t friends... were they? Well, he couldn’t ignore how their relationship had grown over the few years - despite some rough patches, there'd been fun and cooperative times. Plus he had to respect Dan for how he continued to treat himself and Chloe without any ill-intent. Not many ex-husbands would be so genuinely cordial in a similar situation. Lucifer had been making an effort to show some appreciation, he admitted. The name-calling had stopped (mostly) so it was apparent that he cared for Dan’s feelings. Perhaps it would be another good step to show he was willing to be taken in hand for making Dan so upset. Right?
NO! He shook his head at the granite floor. The more he thought about it, the more silly he felt in this position. Couldn’t they discuss this as adults? Proper, upright adults. He would promise not to eat Dan’s pudding for a month... that would surely be a decent show of remorse! At the thought of this ongoing prank, Lucifer actually let out a chuckle.
Dan sighed from above. “You’re laughing, seriously? You must think our friendship’s a joke, huh? You know, I was thinking all your immature antics are just a clever charade you do, to help make people underestimate you or disclose things... but if you’re not smart enough to accept that you lack discipline and a sense of consequence, then you’ve proven to me that you really are just an overgrown kid! Not just a kid - a senseless brat!”
Lucifer steamed under the demeaning lecture. If only Dan knew just how ancient he was... Well, he would show him a hint of his power. Without Chloe around, his arse would be safe from harm even if it was whacked away at all night! The only sore body part to come from this spanking would be Dan’s arm! Looking forward to the other man's frustration, Lucifer smirked to himself and said, as cheekily as he could, “Okay, Detective Douche... Do your WORST!”