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Kenny's a Keeper

Chapter Text

Kenny was always tactile. A kinesthetic learner. Chewing gum in class, rocking his chair, tapping his foot.

He was also very clingy; biceps leaning over Stan's slouched and Tweek's jittery shoulders, hugging Cartman and Clyde from behind, arms curled around Kyle's waist, occasionally around Jimmy's waist as long as Kenny didn't hurt him, elbows hooked with Butters and Token, and even going as far as to high-five and fist bump Dog Poo.

Then came me. Our thing was to hold hands. This was NOT good for my reputation whatsoever. No wonder those Japanese girls thought I was gay.

That was merely one of the many unique things about Kenny.

Another being that Kenny always wore his hood. Not once has any of us seen him without a face cover of some sort.

The most we knew about his appearance were azure crystals for pupils and flaxen tufts of hair entangled into the mud-colored fur of his signature tangerine parka.

Several times he was questioned about his familiar appearance consisting of his largely oversized parka and same colored jeans. Brown converse with matching worn mitts, so worn, that they looked as though they were fingerless gloves.

Calling him strange was an understatement. He was straight up bizarre.

To the point, you'd see him act out in ways only the suicidal thought of doing. To the point, you could imagine him getting himself killed over and over again. To the point, you could envision him riding a nazi zombie unicorn, which sounds like something that came out of some fucked up video game.

Stan's group and ours had recently converged, intertwining like fingers so tightly knit, the way Kenny held mine, that we'd even go sneak into another's house, at two AM in the morning, which brings me to my current predicament.

I was in my bed, practically bare, only my signature navy hat and chalky briefs adorned on my lean figure, blanket slipping off the upper half of my torso to reveal my partially built chest.

He was halfway through my window, parka and all, looking at me in surprise, eyes filled with confusion, similar to the swirling galaxies on a clear night sky.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He stares at me like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Before I'm even up, he's disappeared, and I rush up to the window.

"The fuck McCormick!?" I shout after him, frustration beginning to course its way through my veins.

A quick glance back towards me. A wink, followed by a flirty kiss that left the tips of his fingers and flew back to my windowsill, landing on, I imagined, my cheek.

"Wrong house, sorry!" He shouts back in a muffled reply, waving as he runs down the street.

I can't help but watch in entrancement before a sudden wave of chills runs through my spine.

"It's fucking cold."

The sound of a window slamming shut echoes through the barren neighborhood.


"I've never felt gayer in my entire fucking life." I grumble under my breath, glaring at anyone who even attempted to stare.

Some in our small town had already adapted to the fact that Kenny was a physical person, and have learned to ignore it.

"I feel you dude." Replies Token, face straight as he follows his captor blindly, not bothering to pull away. Two more grunts of agreement are quietly heard.

My fingers were pressed against Kenny's, his other arm wrung around Kyle's waist, before looping through Token's. Our conjoined hands were resting on Butters' shoulder, and I honestly didn't have the heart to detach myself from him after seeing the bright look in his eyes when he had first bounded towards and connected us.

None of us did.

We stroll through the different parts of the neighborhood as Kenny suddenly slips out from under all of us, allowing Kyle and Butters to crash into each other, making me stumble forward and Token the opposite direction.

"W-what's wrong K-Kenny?" Butters asks as we all pull ourselves back together, Kyle cursing under his breath.

Turning towards where Kenny was, we find a trail of footprints, spaced apart enough to assume he had gone off running.

Token is the first to go after Kenny, obviously genuinely concerned, being the gentleman that he (sort of) is. Butters is quick to follow, leaving me and Kyle to glance at each other, exchanging a brief nod before following suit.

The sight we're met with isn't pleasant.

The familiarity of the bright carrot-colored parka was seated above a skinny figure, resembling the shape of a woman, as he was, quite literally, pounding her face in. Bloodied knuckles dripped, drops flying and splattering onto both of their clothes, leaving small ruddy spots as decoration.

We're all frozen watching as the girl screams and shouts, apologizing over and over as he beats her senseless. Nobody makes a move to stop him, knowing he wouldn't go aggro for no good reason.

It doesn't take long till she had finally fainted from the pain, her pleas gone silent.

A brown tuft of hair pokes its way around the corner of a nearby alleyway before Karen finally comes into sight.

"You didn' kill her, did you?" She asks meekly, to which he slightly shakes his head, strained breaths leaving his covered mouth.

"W-what happened, b-buddy?" Asks Butters, who looks as if he were about to piss his pants. I don't blame him. It wasn't often that Kenny got aggravated, he was usually able to hold his own temper, better than the both of our groups combined.

"It's nothing." He shakes off, standing up and storming off, not seeking any physical contact.

We turn towards Karen.

"He was just defendin' me. That girl ripped up my art project and tore off Dollie's pigtail. She was gonna start kickin' when he up and saved me." She mumbles quietly, wiping away at the recent trails of salt that were staining her face.

"Should've figured you were the reason." Kyle says before heading off after Kenny, leaving the unconscious girl on the ground.

Token sighs before bending down and shifting his arms under the bends of the girl's knees and near the crook of her neck, standing up once successfully doing so.

"Im going to drop her off at the hospital." He says, a bored expression on his face. He turns and walks off.

My eyes trace Kyle's retreating frame and glance back, doing the same to Token's.

Butters looks at me, his doe eyes expanding ever so slightly.

"What about you, Craig?" He asks, to which I give a blunt reply.

"I'm going home."


It was Monday again.

The bus stop had become a meeting place for the both of our now combined groups.

Already in their usual positions, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were lounging around.

Hearing the sound of my boots against the thin sheet of ice frozen against the pavement, they look up.

"Oh hey, Craig. Haf you seen Kinny?" Cartman asks. I shake my head in reply, standing several feet away from Cartman, leaving room. Just in case, I told myself.

Eventually, Tweek, Token, and Jimmy show up, filling in their places next to me. We all turn our heads as the squealing tires of the bus slow to a stop, allowing us all to enter.

"That's a no-show for Kenny, Clyde, and Butters!" Kyle grumbles in frustration.

"Where the hell are those three?!" He continues as Cartman begins to mock Kyle from behind, stirring up a loud, aggressive argument.

I sigh, collapsing my head onto the palm of my hand as my elbow rests on the edge of the window sill.

"D-don't w-worry Craig- urk- I-I'm sure that they'llbealright! Gah!" Tweek stutters out from next to me and I nod, appreciating the effort he had made to attempt and help me feel any bit better.

The bus begins to slow down once more as we eventually reach our destination, I quickly clamber off, not wanting to have to listen to the banter that followed my retreating steps.

Entering the building, I spot Clyde, Butters, and Kenny, all laughing in front of Stan's locker, Kenny's arms pulled through both Clyde and Butters' elbows.

Stan walking out of the bus with Token and assisting Jimmy, catch the missing trio as well, heading over and bro-hugging each other. with the exception of Kenny who literally pounced on and hugged them.

Kyle finally storms through the doors, a smirking Cartman following, and heads over to us, pulling Kenny off the others, just so he could start scolding him.

"Where were you guys this morning?! I was stuck with this stupid fatass because you guys weren't there!!" Kyle shouts in exasperation.

"Well Butters told me what happened yesterday and we went over to visit him, we ended up sleeping over though so we came extra early to grab breakfast."

Butters nods his head excitedly in agreement, grinning before he turns and heads off to his own locker to grab his stuff.

As everyone else disperses, I begin to head to class, not bothering to go to my locker. I decide that I'll just share textbooks with Tweek or Kenny.

I shove the classroom door open with my shoulder, heaving a bit to fix my backpack strap, I walk to my seat, dropping off my bag, about to sit, before I hear a large echoing sound.


"The fuck?" I mumble before I get up and head over to the door, other students following my lead.

I head outside, shoving my way through a crowd of people, only to spot Kenny, his back pressed against a locker, being held up by none other than Trent Boyett.

Chapter Text

"DAMN IT!" On the screen of my computer, a bright yellow and blue 'Game Over' sign flashes at a rhymic pace. 

I groan, throwing my controller onto my bed and get up off my chair, heading downstairs for a snack.

Halfway through the steps, I spot a paperclip on my landing, bending over to pick it up when the doorbell suddenly chimes, surprising me and making me slip, tumbling the rest of my way down the stairs.

I feel tears prick my eyes as I try to stop myself from screaming. My head feels like it's about to crack open and I could've sworn my spine broke.

My door suddenly swings open and Butters bursts in, probably hearing all the ruckus I've made, and rushes over to my side, carefully helping me sit up.

I groan and he wraps an arm around my shoulder as we stand up.

"You okay there feller?" He asks, and I just nod my head, the tears now long gone.

"S-so why'd you come over?" He shakes his head, giving me a stern look.

"Ya need to learn to lock your door, y'know. What'd you do if I was a robber?" I groan.

"Yeah, yeah, just tell me what you wanted."

"Ya see, well, Kenny beat up some girl today cause she was bullying his sis. I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me to go cheer 'em up." I raise one eyebrow in interest but still nod nonetheless.

"Okay, when are we going to his place?"

"I was 'bout to head over now if you wanted tah come." I nod again.

"Let's go then." Pulling me towards the door, Butters makes sure I lock it up this time before we head out, a small shine catches my eyes and I decide to leave it be.

Heading off down the steps to my front porch, I slightly shiver as I feel the cold seep through my sleeves, leaving my fingers with a cold tingly feeling.

Butters pulls me along as we rush over to his house, both of us still not owning our own cars to drive, but it wasn't too far away.

As we arrive at our destination, the echo of breaking glass and shouts blur together, echoing across the empty ghetto, leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

I see Butters visibly shiver, but we still press onward, having become slightly accustomed to the... rough ways of the McCormick household.

The sound of a slamming door is heard and we watch as Mr. McCormick crunches his way through the snow, barely giving us a glance as he heads towards an old, run down, red pickup, which groans under its ignition and slightly creaks as it heads off.

Mrs. McCormick follows afterward, heading out with a bag looped around her shoulder, probably to go pick up something for her family to eat.

Butters pushes open the door ahead of me, signaling for me to follow in a silent gesture, walking towards Kenny's room, avoiding shards and bits of glass or other dangerous substances.

We hear a familiar voice as the door to his room opens and the red-headed jew exits, waving a goodbye, following up with: Cya at school tomorrow dude.

I push my way through the door first, revealing a frustrated Kenny, magazines, posters, and a smashed lamp.

He lets out a loose and weak sigh as he slowly looks up, removing his head from his hands.

"Oh, hey guys." I nod, Butters waves.

"So what's up Ken? Ya feelin' okay?" He shrugs and glances over at my silent figure.

"What has got you so quiet?" He mumbles

"W-well I didn't really know how to cheer you up, usually B-Butters d-does that, so..." His eyes seem to widen slightly before a silent look of admiration crosses over his galactic eyes.

"Thanks." I shrug.

Leaning down, I take a seat by him, Butters doing the same on the opposite side, the bed groans.

We chuckle slightly before Kenny flops backward, staring at his ceiling.

His hood covers most, if not all, of his face, and I can't help but wonder.

Wonder what kind of face would be able to match such exquisite eyes. His nose was perfectly molded, sat on his countenance, the lightest freckles dotting over his cheeks and nose, which would be invisible unless you were within at least 3 feet of him.

His eyes were probably the prettiest in the entire town, and I couldn't think of a single person who'd disagree. It still makes me wonder though.

Any face that I've ever seen wouldn't be enough to match up to those sapphires of his, so what kind of face do those crystals cling to?

A voice interrupts my inner monologue, "I know I'm a bad brother."

He sighs, Butters sports a worried face, and I shift slightly.

"I wish I could be around more often, but seeing what people do to Karen... And I'm not there to help... I just- I- UGH!" He groans in frustration, his voice suppressed yet clearly heard by the both of us.

We sit there in silence, and over time, Butters and I are laying by Kenny's side, eyes shut and soft snores.

Whatever. I can just go home later anyways...


A slam catches my attention, waking me up, and I'm in tears beginning to freak the fuck out the moment I don't recognize my room.

I see two large lumps of worn bedsheets next to me, and I quickly scuffle to get away from them, kicking both off the bed and away from me.



I'm sobbing. Large tears are blurring my vision as an orange and teal blob both stand, making their way towards me, I cower in fear.

"A-are you going to k-kill me?!" More tears.

I hear an oddly familiar chuckle and a restrained groan.

"This is why nobody invites you to sleepovers, Clyde." I wipe my eyes and look up once more, finding a grinning Butters and an exhausted Kenny.

"Dude, you slept with that parka on?" I ask in amazement, and he shrugs.

Butters looks over at a nearby digital clock, which is cracked on the display and has several chipped off edges.

"It's 5 AM." He announces and I shrug in apology.

"If you guys want, we can head over to my house and get ready for school there." I offer, in place of redemption.

Kenny nods enthusiastically, arms wrapped around my torso in an instant.

"You'll feed me, right?" I nod as he grins with excitement and without hesitation, slides his windowsill up, sliding through the gap, motioning for us to follow. We do as gestured, already understanding.

He takes one more glance at Karen's window before we're off, heading down the street, towards my house.


It's 6:30 AM. Kenny has eaten his fill and is currently taking a shower, he had handed Butters his clothes as quickly as possible, rushing into the bathroom to shower before we had even caught a glimpse of his golden hair.

Butters was currently sitting on top of the drying machine, waiting for Kenny to finish so he could pass back the clothing.

I was in the kitchen, a blue checkered apron on as I made lunch for four. Kenny, Butters, me, and Karen.

The smell of grilled sandwiches, juice pouches, and bananas filled the kitchen as I packed everything into each bag, folding it all up to make sure nothing spills or falls out.

I hear Kenny's voice shouting to Butters from upstairs, and I could've sworn that I was straight heterosexual male the last time I checked.

It was clear. Not muffled. No stupid fucking parka. No stupid fucking hood.

A clear voice that smoothly eased into each word of the sentence, almost like he were singing a song.

"Leo, can you give me my stuff?!" 

I have to be honest with myself though, he had a higher pitched voice than most the guys I've seen, but still deep enough to-

I feel a sudden ache below me. I barely glance down and am left out of breath.

"No fucking way."


We're in school. It's 7:00, we came 30 minutes early.

Kenny had been redressed in his usual parka, which was brighter than usual with a matching tangerine smell, the puffy sleeves twisted around my elbow while the opposite hand was looped through Butter's arm.

I kept fidgeting, worried over my extremely recent experience. Butters chuckles, mentioning something about Tweek's twin, and I groan.

Sooner rather then later, the rest of our group arrives, Kenny temporarily ditching us and hugging (assaulting) his friends.

A small chatter is heard, but I barely pay attention to it as my mind focuses back on this morning.

Shower. Voice. Hard.

I groan once more, bro-hugging Token while discreetly snuggling my face into his shoulder to cover up my blush from my previous thoughts.

Token, being a life-long best friend, instantly senses something's wrong, and squeezes my shoulders in understanding, but pushes me off before things become too obvious.

I half hug Tweek and Craig. Tweek returns a jittery gesture. Craig sighs, albeit in relief.

After we all make sure our needs are satiated, and I pass out the lunches I made earlier to the respective people, giving Kenny Karen's lunch as well, I head off down the hall, preparing to make my long expedition to my rather far classroom.

Before I'm even halfway there, I hear an echoing BANG!

I rush back to my original position, pulling out my phone ready to catch anything interesting on video.

More entertaining than going to class.

I press the bright red button in the bottom middle of my screen as it catches what I show it, I push my way through the crowd, careful to hold onto both my device and my bag.

As I reach the front of the crowd, shock covers my face and I freeze.

Trent Boyett is holding Kenny up against the locker as though he were a ragdoll, shouting about money the McCormicks owe to his family.

"That's my parents who owe you, not me." Kenny says, his muffled voice loud and clear for everyone to hear.

His eyes are narrowed from their usual crystalline calm skies to the rowdy storm of a frantic ocean.

I shiver.

Trent clenches his teeth.

"Fine, I'll beat the money out of you." The school bully is bullying the poor kid.

A light haze goes over my brain. 

I don't know what happened. I wasn't in control of my own body. The world seems to slow down around me and I feel as though I'm being rushed, the crowd, which for some reason had seemed to increase double the size. Cheers, shouts, and gasps ran through the students.

My fingers were clenched around air, the familiar touch of my phone long gone as a crack rang in my ears, the weight of my bag deleted, removed off my shoulders and left behind in my sudden breath.

It wasn't long before I felt the familiar feeling of skin against my knuckles.

Chapter Text

Clyde was on the toilet lid, me wrapping his bruised knuckles.

"What were you thinking? Now Trent's going to kill you." He grunts and looks away, his face turning slightly red.

"I lost control." He says quietly. He suddenly bursts into sobs, tears streaming down his face as he cries out helplessly.

"Token what do I do?!"

"The fuck man? Get a hold of yourself. Just tell Trent you were dared by someone else." His sobs become louder.

"No!! I mean- I jus- I got hard!" He starts crying even more desperately as I raise an eyebrow in interest, glancing out the stall to make sure no one had suddenly barged in and overheard our conversations.

I quickly grab a wad of toilet paper and pass it to him, helping him clean his face and blow his nose.

"So You're telling me you're crying because you got turned on?" He shakes his head, a muffled 'no' being heard in his forearm. He looks up at me, eyes red and puffy, nose stuffy.

"It was a guy."


My head's been clouded since then. Random thoughts and questions scattered across my brain, but the main one being: who?

Kenny is by my side by the next blink of my eye and we are walking down to drama class together.

Originally, Jimmy was the only one who was going to join drama, but due to cases of bullying, barely being given any scripts, and close friendships, we had all ended up joining drama with him as well.

I push open the auditorium door open, the rest of the class already there, seated in cushioned chairs.

Kenny pulls me over as his arm is looped through my own, and we both take a seat near the front. The teacher stands up as soon as the bell rings, walking up to the front of all us and revealing a box with a small slot in the top.

"We'll be having a play at the end of the year, and we have more than enough time to be able to practice and rehearse, so today, I'll be assigning the characters." She says kindly, sliding her hand into the box, before abruptly stopping.

"Any questions before we get started?" Tweek raises his hand along with several others.

"W-w-what's the play going t-to beabout!?" He stutters out quickly, at which the teacher grins.

"A stick, a wizard, a princess, a king, a paladin, a rouge, and 2 knights." Stan grunts.

"So basically some RPG in real life." He grumbles under his breath, at which the teacher chuckles. Her hand returns to the box.

"First I'll be choosing the two supreme monarchs, the wizard, and elf king." Her fingers twist around two slips of paper, pulling them out.

"Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman." All eyes are on them.

"You two will be the monarchs, decide who is who between you two." It isn't long before another heated argument takes place.

She continues giving off different character roles.


We're halfway through the role selection when she starts another announcement.

"These are the last major roles, the rest of you will be background characters which I'll explain." Everyone is on the edge of their seats.

The teacher had explained the dramatic storyline between a kingdom of elves and humans at war, how they attempt to have a peace meeting, how a rouge betrays his land and goes undercover to become a spy, how a paladin falls in love, and about a princess, the most beautiful woman in all the land, so beautiful, that beggars would pay all their allowance just for a glimpse. The story is about how she falls in love with both her bodyguard and the knight of the distant rival kingdom.

There was no doubt about it, there were more than 2 kiss scenes.

"For these last roles, I'll be choosing the princess from the box, but the rest of you will have to audition for one of the roles of the knights.

Her hand reaches into the box as time seems to move in slow motion. Girls are squirming in their seats. Guys excited to see who would catch the role. The auditorium is dead silent as her fingers twitch around the card, slowly pulling it out through the small slot cut out from the top of the box.

She pauses, a surprised yet amused look on her face. She smiles, her lips move slowly as she reads out the name, almost taunting the class.

"Kenny McCormick." Gasps, murmurs, clapping, and a couple of displeased whines run through the hall.

"The teacher looks over at said boy seated to my right, who looks a mixture of ecstatic and terrified.

A hand flew up.

"Yes, Wendy?" The teacher says, her excited grin fading from her face, already foreshadowing what was to come.

"How come a guy gets the role? You do understand that there are over 30 girls in this class, and you end up choosing a guy?" A couple whispers of either agreement or disagreement sweep by the other students.

"Wendy Testaburger. I am the supervisor of this class and if you have a problem with how I run this class, then would you kindly alter your schedule and leave." She says, her voice brisque and sharp.

Wendy grumbles, mumbling a quick sorry before slouching into her seat.

She continues to name off different characters of the cast and I glance at Kenny. He was comparing his worn gloves, a worried look etched onto his face.

I place my hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, you'll be a great princess." I say, in hopes of raising his spirits.

He looks towards me, a muffled 'thanks' in reply, before continuing 'you'll be a great rouge'.

I offer a smile in return.

The rest of our group had headed over to us. They had already each gotten their roles, except Stan and Clyde.

As each guy was talking about their roles to each other, Kenny watching everything from my side, I glance at Clyde, catching his eye and making a motion, asking if his little 'crush' was within the group.

He nods. I frantically look around our group, trying to make any connections before I feel my arm begin to shake.

I look at Kenny and see he is bouncing his leg in place, the motion causes both of us to move as well. I sigh and make a 'later' sign to Clyde while I look back at Kenny.

"You good, dude?" He shakes his head, and the rest of our friends are coming over to us.

"What's wrong Kenny?"

"Something got you down?"

"Aren't you glad you get to be some hot chick?" He nods his head, but then quietly mumbles, "Does being the princess mean I have to take off my hood?"

A series of sharp inhales are heard, one coming from me myself. That idea never crossed my mind before. Does it mean he'll have to take off his parka?

"It can't be that bad." Kyle says, patting his back, and he bluntly nods. The conversation starts up again and we're all back to minding our own business.

So much for Kenny's hood.


There had been tons of people left out from the cast, including Stan and Clyde, but their role was to be behind the scenes, adding effects or doing the backdrop and whatnot.

Any students, whether given a role or not, were permitted to audition for one of the two titles of 'the knight'. Said auditions were being held today, at the moment.

Kenny was wearing a wig over his hood and dress over his parka, seated on the top of a wooden ladder, which looked more like an elongated stepstool than anything. The props haven't been made yet, but we haven't really started working on anything in the play just quite yet either.

Student by student, we watched people we both knew and don't recognize appear up on the stage, attempting for the role, either being held to the side as a final contestant or being glanced over.

The auditions were slowly coming to a close, less than 5 people left and barely 4 people pulled off to the side. However what made this so shocking was the next contestants.

He slowly stepped onto the stage, his usually blue and red beanie replaced with a blue helmet embroidered in dull designs with gleaming metal. A navy blue cape trailing behind him, fluttering slightly beneath his trembling steps.

His face has a dusty blush over it as he avoided eye contact with everyone in the theater, looking to the side, obviously embarrassed. 

He gulps, taking in a deep breath, and I feel my jaw hit the floor.

"You may begin, Stan Marsh."

Chapter Text

I am bored. I'm seated on the top of a wooden step ladder, watching as different people audition for the role of the knights. They're all terrible.

Before I know it, I see Stan stepping onto the stage, face bright red. I quirk an eyebrow in interest, leaning forward slightly to be able to catch every word he says, in case of mumbling.

"You may begin, Stan Marsh." He pulls a sword, whose sheath was hidden by his cape, and pierces the ground in front of him, dropping to his knee, a semi-serious look on his face.

He blushes even harder, quietly clearing his voice before hesitantly looking up at me, his eyes filled with humiliation and determination.

"M- my princess-" He clears his throat once more, "I, Stan Marsh, am embellished to be within your imperial, glittering company."

His face glows brighter, and I smile beneath my hood. I deliberately sharpen my gaze.

"Rise. I care not for praise, tell me your reason for appearing before me." He gulps, slowly standing up, and I internally praise him for looking me in the eye once more, even when I'm glaring daggers at him.

"I've traversed oceans of sand and forests of monsters to be able to meet you in character, my grace. I transpire from the Elven Kingdom-" I cut him off with an over exaggerated gasp, my fingers outstretched on my chest as my body arches back. In reaction his shoulders shrivel up, his face so red that his ears and neck were beginning to get affected.

"An elf dares to approach me without consulting to my guards first?" I ask haughtily, winking towards him secretly, a way of telling him he's doing great. His shoulders slacken and a more calm appearance slowly takes over his face, the blush not quite leaving though.

"Not quite, milady. I'm not of elven breed, I am a born and raised human." He pauses, looking towards me for a notion to continue. I raise an eyebrow.

"Proceed." He takes in a breath.

"I have been sent in place of our kingdom's ambassador. His body was found shot to death in a river, I've been sent in his place to relay a message."

"I shot the messenger." I say brusquely, and I see a ghost of a smile cross his face.

"I could tell, the arrows were lavender," I smile.

"What is the message you have come to tell me?" He tips his helmet ever so slightly and looks back up at me.

"I have come to announce the arrival of the High Jew Elf King. He has come to offer a peace treaty."

"Why didn't he approach the Grand Wizard King instead?" Stan snorts, quietly clearing his voice once more, a red hue slowly seeping into his ears.

"Everyone knows of the most l-luxuriant and e-exquisite princess in all the land. Everyone also knows how much more judicious she is." I nod in approval, impressed with his word choice.

"Go back to from where you came-" His expression drops, "and tell the Elf King I've accepted his offer." He perks back up, softly smiling as applause breaks our miniature moment.

My eyes reluctantly turn back towards our teacher, quickly scanning over our audience, which was our class, and seeing our friends all standing up and pointedly sticking up their thumbs, Clyde and Butters jumping up and down in excitement, even Craig clapping slowly an extremely small smile on his face.

"It looks like we've found our first knight." The teacher says. The bell rings and students slowly begin leaving while others begin eating their lunch in the auditorium. The rest of our friends come on stage cheering and laughing in general.

Jimmy grins, and I perk in apprehension. I love his jokes.

"That s-s-s-scene sure was magical. Guess you could say S-s-staaa-." He pauses recatching his breath, "G-guess you can say St-Stan was a knight in shimmering armor."

Everyone else blatantly stares at him, Tweek quietly laughing under his breath.

"Wuhwow. W-what a terrific audience." A buzz of laughter comes from our group and I decide then to climb down as everyone's complimenting Stan.

I place the heel of my boot on every step, the ladder shaking slightly and I freeze. I wasn't going too fast, right?

I continue my descent until the flat part of my heel catches onto the step ladder, and being made of the smooth rubber it is, I slip, falling backward.

"Shit!!!" I curse out loud, but not before I hear a creak and see the ladder beginning to fall over me.

"Agh for fuck's sake!" I mumble bracing myself for the powerful impact on my back and butt.

A couple of my friends gasp, and before I hit the ground I feel myself being caught.

I wince, opening my eyes to find Butters holding me, cheekily grinning.

"I knew I could carry you! Even if I am shorter!" I groan and mumble a quiet whatever.

I look up and see the steps of the ladder barely 2 inches from Butters' head, and I panic, assuming it's still floating.

"Fuck!" I shout as I cause both me and Butters to collapse, Kyle and Cartman holding the ladder, everyone laughing at me.

"We're holding the ladder idiot." Cartman says, and I roll my eyes.

"I knew that." Jimmy bumps shoulders with Kyle.

"Guess you ca-caa- Guess you can say Kenny's a damsel in dis-distress." We're all laughing by now.

Kyle begins laughing too hard though, letting go of the ladder and letting that side fall, hitting Butters in the head and causing Cartman to drop the entire ladder, crushing me and Butters.


"Cartman!!" Butters and I shout in synchronization. Everyone just starts laughing even harder.


After everyone had calmed down, the ladder was put back in its rightful place as Butters' and I were helped up. I look up after dusting myself off and find everyone staring at me.

"What?" Craig points towards my head.

"Kenny, your hood." I panic and quickly feel around my neck and fix my hood.

"Don't worry dude, all we saw was your unnaturally clean hair. You still got that weird mask thing." Kyle reassures and I nod quietly, feeling my face redden in embarrassment.

(A/N: This mask thing, idk what it is, but if you've seen South Park fanart, we've all seen it about once.)

"Oh? Is the poor boy embarrassed?" Cartman says, shrugging his way up to me, tapping shoulders together. I mumble a no as my face becomes redder.

Everyone's laughing again as I tug at my drawstrings, tightening my hood to hide my embarrassed face, my eyes being the only thing visible now.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we go to lunch now?" Token chuckles walking past me and patting my shoulders, "Whatever you say, buddy.

Tweek looks over to me and Stan, "Don't you guys want to c-change first? I-I-Icancomewithyouifyouwant."

Stan shakes his head, mumbling 'later'.

I look down and nod, wrapping my arm around Tweek's shoulders, guiding him to the back.

"We'll catch up to you guys, okay?" I mumble out to the others, and they all give some form of acknowledgment before heading out.

I begin pulling the dress off my parka, and Tweek looks away blushing. I snicker at his antics.

"Dude, you know I'm still wearing my clothes underneath right?" He shakily nods.

"It's just too much p-pressure to watch you take off your- AGH- clothes though!" He mumbles out in a fairly rushed sentence.

I snort.

"Okay, if you say so." I reach up to remove the wig from my hood, I had pinned the wig just in case it fell off my head during the audition, and I wouldn't be able to retrieve it. I also didn't want to look like an idiot if my wig fell off.

Tugging at the wig, I groan finding it stuck to the furs of my parka. I look over to my quivering partner and call out to him.

"Think you can help take the wig off? I removed the safety pins, so no, you won't get hurt, but I think got stuck." He nods, taking quick strides over and pulling at the wig on my hood, grunting when it doesn't pull loose the way he expects it too.

"H-here wait, would i-it be okayifItuggedharder?" He asks, and I nod.

He tugs harder, pulling at the wig until an auditory RIIIIIIIP is heard.

I stand there staring wide-eyed and blushing at Tweek, him staring wide-eyed and beet-red at me.

I sneak a glimpse at his hand and see half of my hood, still attached to the wig. I feel myself tremble under Tweek's gaze as he remains staring at me, unnaturally still.

"Kenny." He says quietly. I feel myself flinch and a lock of hair falls in front of my eye. He slowly reaches up, pausing when I recoil and pushes the strands behind my pierced ears.

"Kenny, oh my gosh." He says, not breaking eye contact, and I can't force myself to look away from his verdant green eyes.

"W-what?" I ask shyly. His hand slowly moves my mask down and I feel my trembling become more violent.

"Kenny, you're-" I shut my eyes tightly.

"You're so pretty..." He says, no stuttering, and I blink my eyes open in confusion.

"What?" I already know what I look like. I see myself in the mirror every day.

I have multicolored freckles scattered across my cheeks, nose, and the tips of my ears. I have piercings on both sides of my ears, but I have three on my right ear. I have azure blue eyes, a missing tooth, and a short scar the runs through my left eyebrow. I have two small lips piercings on the right side of my lower lip, and a scar the runs around my neck, it never fades away.

I have bruises shaped around my chin and several band-aids and cooling patches stuck to my face. How? Ho-

"-w the fuck am I pretty? I look horrible! Are you fucking blind!?" I burst out and he shakes his head, calmly placing his hands on my shoulders, effectively soothing me.

"Kenny." He starts, his voice slowly beginning to gain it's usual tremble once more.

"I swear to you on my life, you are one of the prettiest things I've ever seen, I'll literally let N-North Korea take me a-away if I'm lying." He says, gulping at the thought.

"Y-you won't actually give me to North Korea r-right?" He asks. I feel myself quivering with happiness and joy.

I clasp my arms around Tweek in exasperation, pressing a chaste kiss to his nose as we topple over and he lets out a shriek. He's laying on the floor and I'm trembling over his blushing stuttering form, wiping tears of relief from my eyes.

Tweek lets out a strangled noise not knowing how to react

"D-dude why are youcrying!?" I sniffle and look back down at him, giving a closed eye open mouth smile.

"I-I've never had someone call me pretty before." I reply, and Tweek is just staring up at me.

He reaches his shaking hands up towards my face cupping it shakily.

"You- ergh- reallyare pretty though." He says quietly, helping push away the tears with his thumb.


"Kenny, what're you going to wear though?" I shrug, looking around as I pull off my parka.

I spot Stan's hat on a nearby rack and crab it, tugging it over my hair, a couple tufts of blonde still sticking out. I glance around once more, grabbing a red scarf and pulling Tweek's green jacket off his shoulders ("Hey! Kenny t-that's mine!"). 


I pull on all the garments and strike a pose for Tweek.

"How'd I look?" He snorts before laughing.

"Likeanidiot!" I nod in approval, "Okay, let's go back to the others then."

He shakily nods, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, his jittering becoming more prominent.

As we're walking down the empty halls to the cafeteria, I feel him staring at me once more.

"What? By the way, you better not tell anyone." He nods, promising he won't before continuing in a condescending tone, a sly look on his face, "By the w-way, what you diAGH- d-did back there was superultragay if a-anyone elsesawthat..."

I stutter, turning red as his cheeks are dusted a light pink. When I'm unable to form a reply, he giggles quietly underneath his oversized sleeve and I glare at him, my face reddening.

"Sh-shut the fuck up!"

Chapter Text

The stares that were thrown at him as we walked down the halls were understandable. The snickering, murmuring, and quick glances were all understandable.


He was dressed as a fucking knight for God's sake. It's a blessing nobody has stepped on his cape yet, which flowed behind him diligently, making him seem legendary, untouchable even.

Cartman snorts. Stan glares.

"The fuck is wrong with you, fatass?" Cartman giggles in a shrill voice behind his hand, his voice raising a few octaves higher, a ghastly imitation of a girl.

"Oh, nothing, my knight, but would you say I'm luxuriant and e-exquisite too?" He flutters his short eyelashes quickly, giggling once more behind his hand before outright bursting into laughter, Kyle and Jimmy following suit. Butters and Token let out soft chuckles, Craig giving a hint of a smile.

Stan turns red, his mind drifting back to Kenny in his costume, which for some reason suited him, and turns an even darker shade of red.

"Oh? Thinking about the princess already, my night?" Cartman quips, and Stand abashedly looks to the side.

"Fuck all of you!"

Craig pipes up.

"He didn't deny it."


Everyone knows of Mysterion, the strange man  (the press confirmed Mysterions gender) who sneaks into the night, helping those in need.

Craig, the antisocial recluse who cared not for most things in life, was especially interested in the mishaps and perhaps of the masked, hooded vigilante.

Craig hadn't been able to sleep, and he steps out of bed, quietly climbing down the creaking stairs, grabbing a cup from the cupboard, filling it with water, and heading back up the stairs.

His seats himself on his bed, pulling his laptop over to his lap and taking a couple tentative sips from his cup whilst starting up the laptop.

He leans over, placing the cup on the edge of his bedside table, unlocking his laptop and leaning against the pillows on his bed.

He opens a new window, quickly clicking the search bar and typing in his desired needs.

'How to fall asleep when you arent tired' About 44,900,000 results appear in 0.58 seconds, but what would he know, he's simply reading the small faded text underneath the search bar.

His eyes scan over a majority of the links and he decides to try them out.

In less than an hour later, he's seen in a strange yoga pose that has him upside down, skewered to the right while his upper torso is flipped over. Half the lights in his room are off, his phone is vibrating slightly to the left of him, playing rap music at a volume of 4.

He's breathing in and out through his nose and drinking chamomile tea from a straw (his hands are occupied holding him up). 

He groans, mumbling to himself.

"This was a stupid idea, none of this is working." He fixes his body to its normal position, moving the cup of empty chamomile tea away from him, onto his desk.

"That's true, but it was entertaining to watch." He jolts at the deep, raspy voice coming from the left of him.

He looks up and sees the town hero, seated on the windowsill, one knee bent, the other dangling, his cape flying behind him in rolls.

He looked like he came out of a superhero movie.

Craig feels himself warm up.

"Nice boxers." He feels himself turn redder as he's reminded he's wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and socks.

"I was just trying to fall asleep, this is what the internet said." He winces at the look the vigilante gives him.

"I came to ask a favor of someone, but ended up in the wrong house." Craig opens his mouth, about to retort something as a sense of deja vu comes over him.

"Ah-" Mysterion cuts him off, "Before you question me, I hope you understand it's dead black outside, and all the houses look the same. My partner usually leaves the window open."

Craig raises an eyebrow.

"So basically, wrong place?" Mysterion nods.

"Wrong house, sorry." His crystal blue eyes glisten under the moon, and Craig can make out a couple strands of blonde hair poking out from underneath.

"Blue eyes and blonde hair, eh? You could have been like a prince charming or some shit." Mysterion shifts, his feet landing on Craig's floor with a soft fwump, his eyes dashing forward with an intense look.

"Nobody likes a goody-two-shoes." Craig sighs.

"Whatever, how long do you plan to stay here?" Mysterion shrugs.

"Long as I want, this happens occasionally, how do you think the news got any shit concerning me? Hell, they would have thought I was a girl if I didn't stop by the wrong houses a couple times." Craig snickers and takes the time to take in the vigilante.

He has a lean frame, but muscles are definite, his eyes tracing every line and curve on the heroes body before stopping at the underwear worn on the outside.

"What's up with those?" Craig asks, but he can still feel a subtle blush creeping up the sides of his face from glancing down there.

"Comic relief." Craig does a double-take.


"Comic relief, it makes the townspeople less afraid of me, I apparently seem less intimidating like this."

Craig snorts, letting out a chuckle, and Mysterion offers a crooked grin.

Craig notes he has a missing tooth, also noticing the two holes on his lower lip, probably piercings.

Mysterion looks around the room, observing it. Craig uses the time to collect as much as he can from his appearance, he could use it to reveal his identity, listing them off in his head.

Freckles, two lip piercings, missing tooth, bruises, blue eyes, blonde hair, lean frame.

He'll collect more as time goes on, he decides that he's going to start with the people in his high school first, then move on to the town which he plans to section off into several areas. The town wasn't quite so little anymore.

Maybe he could narrow it down more...

"So..." He drawls, and Mysterion glances over to him swiftly, causing Craig to internally flinch.

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime, you look around my age."

Kenny knew what Craig was doing, deciding to play along anyway.

"Sure, I guess I am 'around your age'. I've spent too much time here already, so not today." Kenny sits on the open window sill, leaning back slightly, "I'll stop by again though, no need to worry."

He leans back, falling off the window sill, quickly grabbing onto a nearby gutter pipe and climbing up, taking a running jump off the roof of Craig's house, hopping away into the distance.

Craig, who rushed to the window when he saw the masked madman fall, let his eyes chase after him, watching in awe, feeling entranced once more.

The cold wind flutters by, chilling Craig to the bone as he backs up.

"Fucking cold..." He mumbles to himself.

This time, the barren neighborhood remains barren.

No sounds of shutting windows for the rest of the night, and the nights that follow.


The next morning Kenny heads to school, as per usual, latching onto everyone, as per usual, and stopping by his locker, as per usual.

Craig and some of their other friends arrive, waving hello to all of them as Kenny busies himself with grabbing his textbooks, ignoring the urge to feel contact.

He looks up, eyes catching Craig's, and he can't help but think back to last night.

A practically naked Craig doing yoga whilst sipping chamomile tea and listening to rap.

He snorts and bursts out laughing. Craig watches his laughing eyes, feeling his face flush.

For some unknown reason, he has a strange feeling that Kenny knows what happened last night.