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Keep Your Hat On

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“You can’t possibly be serious about this,” Lister said as he unzipped the garment bag and stared goggle-eyed at the contents.

“I’m always serious when it comes to sex, Lister.”

“I can’t argue with that…” Lister trailed off as he pulled the garment from the bag and inspected it. “Where did you even get this?”

“Does that really matter? Just put it on… please?”

Lister cocked a surprised eyebrow behind the opaque dressing screen. Rimmer must really want this if he was willing to say please without Lister goading him into it. “The hat too?”

“Yes! The whole thing!” Lister could hear Rimmer’s right leg beginning to tap impatiently at the floor.

“All right, all right. Keep your hair on.” There were several minutes of rustling cloth, and snorts of poorly concealed laughter as Lister got himself dressed. “Buttons? How the smeg did anyone manage to have a quick slash in one of these get-ups?”

“Zips hadn’t been invented yet, you modo. Besides, I’m sure people had more important things on their mind than having quick slashes when they were dressed for battle.”

“The call of nature must be answered, Rimmer. Even during a battle.”

“Could you please just focus on finishing up back there? This is meant to be sexy, Lister.”

“Sorry,” Lister mumbled as he slipped the jacket on and fussed with the golden fringed epaulettes as he scrutinized his reflection in the mirror. “I look like a total smeghead,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing… nothing…” Lister muttered as he begrudgingly put the hat on his head and stood back to take in the finished product. Lister had a fertile imagination, but of all the things he’d imagined he might need to do when he’d accepted the position of ship’s bike, this scenario had certainly never come to mind.

“Are you ready?” Rimmer asked, the excitement in his voice as clear as the bubbles on a pot of simmering bouillabaisse.

“Yes,” Lister gave his reflection one last pained look before taking a deep breath and stepping out from behind the screen.

Rimmer was perched on the edge of the bed. As his eyes made a slow crawl up Lister’s body, his face quickly cycled through expressions of surprise, delight, and rapture, before finally settling on a lascivious grin that looked decidedly out of place on his face.

“So I’m guessing you like it then?” Lister asked as he took in Rimmer’s own outfit which stood out in marked contrast from the navy blue bedspread he’d insisted replace the leopard-print faux-fur one (“It’s more period accurate.”) He was wearing a white waistcoat with a short blue jacket, high black boots, and a pair of white linen trousers that were at serious risk of bursting open at the front.

“Oh, Listy.” Rimmer practically purred from the bed as he let his eyes take another slow crawl down Lister’s figure starting at the two-cornered hat and finally finishing up at the shiny buckled shoes. “You make a positively perfect Napoleon.”

“Do I?” Lister stared down at his silk stockings and cream colored pantaloons. “I feel like a wanker.”

“None of that talk, Lister. Napoleon would have never said, ‘wanker’.”

“Sorry, le wanker?”

“Don’t spoil the mood, Listy.”

“Right, so what’s the story then?”

“You’ve just won the battle of Austerlitz, and I was one of your loyal fusiliers. You’re going to show me just how much you…” Rimmer licked his lips as he squirmed on the bedspread. “...Appreciate my great deeds in battle.”

“So you want me to knight you or something?” Lister’s eyes sparkled as he grinned.

“Oh come on, Lister. Would you at least try to get into the spirit of this? Don’t forget I’m a client.”

“Alright, alright. Sorry.” Lister cleared his throat and tucked his hand inside his waistcoat as he tried to do his best Napoleon impersonation. “Your performance on ze battlefield today has pleased me greatly, young soldier.” He cringed inwardly at the phony French accent as it tumbled from his lips.

“Oh mon empereur!” Rimmer fell to his knees on the floor and began to paw at Lister’s calves, getting into character as easily as a seasoned thespian. “I would fight to my last breath for you!”

Lister, attempting to suppress a snort of laughter, cleared his throat. “Deeds such as yours weel not go unrewarded.”

“Your majesty is too kind.”

“Er… oui! C’est vrai!” Lister wracked his brain as he tried to recollect the few stubborn bits of French he remembered from secondary school. “The emperor of France is very kind. So kind, that I weel…” Lister pulled his hand from his waistcoat and began to undo the buttons of his fly. “...allow you to pleasure me.”

“Oh your majesty,” Rimmer moaned as a shudder of ecstasy swept through him. “I would be truly honored.”

As Rimmer’s slender fingers slid up and down his stockinged legs, Lister was surprised to find his cock beginning to respond favorably, in spite of how ridiculous he found the whole situation. He slid his half-hard prick from the French trousers, and Rimmer’s eyes bulged as he pounced on it like an eager poodle on a bone.

“Oh, yes!” Lister groaned as he was surrounded by the hot heat of Rimmer’s mouth. “I mean… oui!”

“I hope I am pleasing your majesty?” Rimmer asked as he paused in his ministrations to gaze up at Lister almost coquettishly.

“Oui,” Lister gasped as Rimmer did a particularly deft swirl of his tongue up the entire length of his shaft. “Oh smegging hell! I mean, erm… c’est incroyable!”

“Oh my liege,” Rimmer let out a particularly slurpy moan as he swallowed Lister whole. “It is my greatest desire to please you,” he managed to gasp before sucking Lister back in again.

Smegging hell, Lister thought as his cock swelled to bursting under Rimmer’s enthusiastic tongue. I should have realized Rimmer would turn into a filthy whore for Napoleon. “On your feet now, soldier. Rapidement!”

“Yes, sir!” Rimmer barked out as he snapped up sharply and gave a salute.

“Remove your uniform, young soldier.”

“Of course, anything for his majesty!” Rimmer nearly tripped over his own boots in his hurry to disrobe. Lister struggled to keep a smirk off of his face as his former bunkmate stripped off in record time. Even his normal ritual of creasing and folding his trousers while disrobing was abandoned as he flung his clothes to the floor and left them in an untidy pile. Once he was nude, he stood up straight, his cock saluting just as enthusiastically as his right arm had.

Lister clutched his hands behind his back, and made a slow circle around Rimmer, as if inspecting him. “Mmmm… c’est tres bon,” he murmured as he slid behind Rimmer and nuzzled at his neck, his saliva-slicked cock rubbing at Rimmer’s backside. “You are indeed deserving of thees reward.”

“Oh Mon empereur!” Rimmer shuddered, his cock bowing in deference as Lister wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer.

“Pleasure me again, and if you please me, I shall bestow on you ze greatest of honors.”

“Oh my liege, I truly am not deserving of such honors,” Rimmer replied as he sank back to the floor and eagerly sucked Lister back into his greedy mouth.

“Oh smeg,” Lister groaned.

“Keep in character, Listy,” Rimmer muttered around his mouthful.

“I’m trying, man. But for smeg’s sake,” Lister bit back a scream as Rimmer sucked him in deeper than he’d ever managed before. “You’re makin’ me go cross-eyed here, Rimmer.”

Rimmer pulled off with a wet pop and shot Lister a raised eyebrow. “Keep calling me soldier.”

“Yes, yes. I mean… Oui, soldier.” Lister shivered as he looked down, entranced by the sight of Rimmer sucking him like Captain Hollister trying to get the last few drops out of a chocolate shake. He’d never seen his former bunkmate so out of control with lust and it was making him rapidly lose control. He’d mostly had fun with Rimmer during his regular appointments, but this was something else. He groaned and licked at his lips as he felt the beginnings of an orgasm already building, and pulled Rimmer off of him. “Back on your feet soldier,” he commanded in his faux French accent.

“If that is what his majesty wishes.”

Lister tucked his hand back into his waistcoat and stood himself up straight, “I want you to touch yourself for me, soldier.”

“I would do anything for you, mon empereur.” Rimmer kept his eyes glued to Lister in his Napoleon suit as he curled his fingers around his own cock and began to pump it slowly.

“Zat is right. And as zee emperor,  I command you to make yourself come.”

“Oh God, yes…” Rimmer’s breath began to quicken as long rivulets of precum spread over his fingers. “Oh yes, sir. Anything for mon empereur.” It only took a few more pumps before Rimmer was already crying out and spraying a heavy load at Lister’s feet. He rocked unsteadily on his heels as he pumped out the last few drops. His cheeks were flushed and his pupils black as he stared hungrily back at Lister.

“Very good,” Lister pulled Rimmer to him and kissed him hard. Rimmer melted into him like butter on a hot croissant. Lister let his hands trail through the technician’s messy curls as they rutted together. Lister pulled away suddenly, his eyes boring into Rimmer’s. “You have pleased your emperor very well, soldier. Now eet eez time for me to please you.”

“Oh, God!” Rimmer moaned as Lister slid his hands all around his body and ground into him. “My… my liege!”

“Onto zee bed, soldier. On your hands and knees.”

“Anything and everything for you, mon empereur.” Rimmer crawled onto the bed and obediently positioned himself as Lister had commanded.

Lister grabbed a nearby bottle of lube and slicked up his fingers and his aching cock. Although Rimmer was one of his most regular customers, he had never been willing to let Lister fuck him. Lister hadn’t taken it personally, but he had hoped Rimmer would eventually trust him enough to allow it to happen. Who’d have thought it would just take a Napoleon costume? A wave of intense lust pulsed through him as he gazed at Rimmer offering himself up so freely for the first time. 

“Now I weel pleasure you, young soldier.” Lister stood behind Rimmer and rubbed the head of his cock against him, slicking him up in preparation.

“Oh god,” Rimmer’s limbs were trembling in anticipation as he waited for Lister to enter him. “Oh god, yes!”

Lister went slowly, sinking himself into Rimmer as gently as he could. He hissed between his teeth as the flared head of his cock was surrounded and squeezed tight. “Oh smeg, man. Oh god you feel so good, Rimmer!”

“Don’t stop!” Rimmer gasped as he rocked back on his knees, thrusting his backside against Lister and pushing his prick in deeper. “I want more! I want every bit of you!”

“Oh smeg, Rimmer!” Lister grabbed the technician’s hips and slid himself deeper, pushing until he was buried almost up to the hilt.

“Oh god, yes! Fuck me, Lister! Goddamnit, fuck me!” Rimmer screamed as he lunged his hips backwards again and again, pounding himself hard into Lister.

“Oh smeg! Oh smegging hell, Rimmer!” Lister gasped out as he grabbed onto Rimmer and thrust into him over and over, the fringe on his epaulettes swaying. Rimmer’s ass quickly grew pink as Lister’s pelvis slapped into him rhythmically. He tugged at his high collar as sweat broke out on his brow. The two-cornered hat tumbled from his head and landed on Rimmer’s back just as he felt his orgasm starting to build in his toes. “Oh fuck!”

“Oh GOD!” Rimmer let out a long drawn-out wail as his second orgasm roared through him like a marauding army, shooting a payload of come across the bedspread.

“Oh GOD!” Lister echoed as Rimmer clamped down on him and pushed him over the edge. He grabbed onto the technician and let out a battle cry as his vision filled with bursts of light like gunfire. He came hard, his cock exploding a cannon-load inside of Rimmer.

For a few seconds they moaned together, riding out the last waves of ecstasy until they sank to the bed gradually, the two-cornered hat squashed between them. Rimmer moaned heavily as Lister slipped out of him. “Oh God, Listy. That was… that was…”

“Smeggin’ incredible, wasn’t it?” Lister wrapped his arms around Rimmer's body and cuddled into him. “Man, who'd have guessed old Arnie J had such a hard-on for Napoleon.” Probably everyone, Lister thought as he stifled a giggle.

“You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“Of course not!”

“Not even that git Todhunter?”

“C’mon, Rimmer. You know I’ve got a policy of strict confidentiality. I’ll never tell a soul.”

“Good, I appreciate that.”

“That was quite a nice surprise though, Rimmer. I didn’t know you had it in you. Napoleon turned you into a wild animal!”

“I think the person wearing the costume had something to do with it too, perhaps.” Rimmer mumbled into the bedspread.

“Would you mind if I get out of this thing now though?” Lister asked as he wiggled his way out of his trousers. “I’m dying back here.”

Rimmer was too overstimulated to reply with anything but, “Mmph.”

“How the smeg did everyone not collapse of heat exhaustion while they were wearing all this stuff?” Lister queried as he shrugged out of his jacket and waistcoat. “Although I must say, the silk stockings are pretty nice. A guy could get used to these.” Lister laughed as he curled his body around Rimmer's again and rubbed his silk-clad calf against his thighs.

“For God’s sake, Lister. At least give me a minute or two. You’re going to give me a coronary.”

“So you do like the stockings then, eh? Who would have thought you were such a kinky smegger,” Lister chuckled as he rubbed his leg higher, brushing the silky fabric against Rimmer’s softening cock.

“Oh god, Lister. Why do I find you so irresistible?”

“It's not me, remember? It’s Napoleon you can’t get enough of.” Lister climbed on top of Rimmer, straddling his thighs as he put on his fake French accent again. “You cannot resist zee charms of your ‘empereur’ can you, soldier?” Rimmer’s eyes began to glaze over as he stared up at Lister, clad only in the knee-high silk stockings.

“I see your petit soldier can’t resist me either,” Lister quipped as he watched Rimmer’s cock stiffen before his eyes. “Not so petit anymore now, is he?” He wrapped his fingers around the stiffening shaft and gave it some gentle encouragement.

“Oh god,” Rimmer squirmed as Lister quickly had him hard as a rock again.

“I have rewarded you for your great deeds on zee battlefield, now I must reward you for your great deeds in zee bedroom.”

“Wait, Lister,” Rimmer groaned as he grabbed him around the wrist.

“What? Too much?”

Rimmer reached behind him and held a squashed bit of felt out to Lister. “Put the hat back on first.”