The first thing Yongguk sees when he opens his laptop on the plane is a file called Bang Yongguk is an Idiot.txt on the desktop.
Yongguk shakes his head, and double clicks on the file. It only contains one sentence. Yongguk thinks wryly that that might be a first for Himchan. There's no way the message is from anyone else.
If you wanted me to call you Daddy, Bbang...all you had to do was ask.
Yongguk rolls his eyes, and deletes the file.
He's not alone with Himchan for another two days, and the minute they are, Himchan is on him like a hawk.
"You never responded to my message," Himchan says, even before the door to the studio swings closed behind Jongup. Himchan is sitting on the floor of the studio, leaning up against the mirror with his tablet. Yongguk watches through the reflection as he flips through various social media sites.
It's good that they have Himchan to do these kinds of things, because Yongguk really doesn't give a shit.
"I wasn't aware it required a response," Yongguk grunts. He's busy stretching out his calf muscles. Water trickles down the back of his neck. Himchan has already dunked himself in the sink and dried himself off. His towel hangs over one shoulder.
Himchan looks up with a smirk.
"Bang. Yongguk," he says, and Yongguk knows, he just knows that he is in for a lecture and probably more than few jokes at his expense. He closes his eyes and stretches harder. "You told all of our 1 million Japanese female fans to call you Daddy. I don't know whether to congratulate you or smack you."
Yongguk groans. "I didn't mean it like that," he says, for what feels like the hundredth time. His voice comes out more pitiful than he would like. "I just meant. I just. Himchan, we're twenty-five. Most of those girls are like twelve!" He switches to his left leg. "I didn't want them to think that...I don't know. That we're the kind of creeps who would do something like that. We're ten years older than they are! More!"
"That's very noble of you." Himchan's mouth is pressed into a thin, curved line. He looks seconds away from cackling.
"I mean it!" Yongguk gives up on stretching, and looks up at Himchan pleadingly. "I want them to know that we're not like that. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this?"
"Because you're an idiot," Himchan says, snickering openly now. "You can't just turn one million teenage girls off, Bbang. They're not a lightswitch. All you did was titillate them. I mean, before you were Oppppaaaaa or Hyunggggg," Himchan says, laughing and batting his lashes at Yongguk. He ducks when Yongguk tries to swing at him. "Now you're Daddy. Kinky. Very kinky."
Yongguk scrubs his face in his hands. He closes his eyes and tries not to think about Himchan's delighted voice because he didn't mean it like that. "But that's so wrong," he mutters helplessly. "Why would they...that's so wrong."
"Because the internet," Himchan says, shrugging. He's scrolling through tumblr on his tablet, obviously looking for something. "Oh--look! There it is. I knew it wouldn't be that hard to find."
"The first breathless post about how hot it is that you want to be called Daddy. Wow, it already has two thousand and seventy-nine notes--"
Himchan ducks again, still laughing his deep, barking laugh even as Yongguk gives up and throws his sweaty towel at Himchan's head.
The word rolls around and then settles like a stone in Yongguk's stomach.
They're busy. They're pulling all-night dance practices and Daehyun and Jongup are still tracking vocals and the album is in post-production and Yongguk doesn't have time to be thinking about this. He doesn't have time for the strange, desperate chills that shoot down his spine whenever he thinks about Himchan calling him---that.
It's so wrong. There's a part of him that's disgusted with himself. Repulsed. A large part, if he's honest.
There's an even deeper part of himself that spikes hot when he thinks about it. He had an ex that got off on that sort of thing. Well, sort of an ex. A girl he'd been fooling around with for a few weeks. She'd liked calling him oppa and Yongguk had liked the sex, so for a while it was a done deal.
Yongguk stares blankly at the monitors in the studio and sips his cold coffee. He thinks about being 18 again. He thinks about the way she always wanted to fuck sitting on his lap, so she could moan into his ear. He thinks about all the things she used to ask him to say. The dirty things she'd ask him to whisper into her ear. He hadn't thought much about it at the time. He'd been preoccupied.
Is that good? Do you like the way oppa's fucking you? Ah, you like it, don't you. Tell oppa how good it feels. That's right, come on--
Yongguk sits up straight in his chair, almost spilling coffee on himself. Marco is staring at him. He looks unimpressed. "I've been calling your name for five minutes. When was the last time you slept?"
Yongguk wipes a hand over his eyes. "I don't remember," he says, truthfully. "But I'm fine. I was just. Let's keep going."
"You sure?" Marco looks skeptical.
"Yeah," Yongguk says, pushing all thoughts of teenage transgressions out of his mind.
The stone in Yongguk's stomach doesn't go away.
It just rolls around. Gets bigger. Twists his stomach when he isn't looking. When he isn't thinking about that. When he doesn't want to think about that.
Yongguk isn't so sure it's a stone anymore.
Himchan doesn't really bring it up again. Or at least, he doesn't bring it up any more than any other embarrassing topic he likes to tease Yongguk about.
Yongguk knows he flushes bright red whenever the topic comes up, but Himchan leaves that alone. There are some things they no longer need words to communicate. The fine line between bullshitting and actual embarrassment is one of them.
Yongguk supposes that's one of the perks of having a best friend with occasional benefits.
Yongguk doesn't know when it started. He doesn't remember. It was in a hotel. They had blond hair. That's as far back as he can trace it.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. What they have as friends is far more important. Yongguk has become used to Himchan's weird quirks, and Himchan puts up with Yongguk's general misanthropy. Yongguk knows that Himchan reads the newspaper every day now, because of him. Yongguk now reads the comics section because of Himchan.
And sometimes--far from home, when the lights are out--Yongguk will crawl into Himchan's bed and they'll snicker into each other's mouths and fumble around like teenagers. It's never serious. It started as a joke and it's still more of a game than anything else. It's a-hey-can-I-borrow-your-hand game. A hey-I-need-to-get-off game. It's Himchan's low, raspy voice and his soft mouth and inelegant, imperfect sex.
It's over-tired laughter when Yongguk accidentally comes too quickly and manages to hit Himchan in the chin. It's Himchan making a disgusted noise and then wiping it on Yongguk's cheek, even as Yongguk is trying to breathe and come down and finish getting Himchan off. It's messy. Sweaty. Still kind of funny, even after all these years.
It's never serious.
Yongguk could never ask for something like that with Himchan.
If it were anyone other than Himchan, it would be wrong. Just the idea of it sets Yongguk's teeth on edge. It makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up in discomfort. That's not what that word means. That's not what it's supposed to be.
But then somehow there's always a shift--a slide--and he can hear Himchan's raspy voice in his ear. He can picture the combination of actual lust and pure amusement on Himchan's face. He can see them laughing about it.
He can picture the moment Himchan suddenly goes serious and whispers it in Yongguk's ear and the way Yongguk's entire body will burn. He can see Himchan sitting on his lap. He wants Himchan to sit on his lap.
"Bbang, fess up." Himchan is lying on his back, spread-eagle on his hotel bed, still clothed in only a towel. His wet hair is dripping onto the thin comforter. It's somewhere near 4am. "You've been weird for weeks, and now you won't even let me push the beds together. What's wrong?"
Yongguk runs his hand through his hair, again, for the eighteenth time. He needs to shower. They have to be up soon. He needs to at least try and catch an hour of sleep.
He curls his toes under the sheets and says nothing.
"Bbang." Poke. Poke. "Put the laptop down and look at me, asshole."
"It's something. It's always something." Himchan sits up, brushing his damp hair off his forehead. His body is lean and pale and surprisingly soft in odd places. Yongguk likes it. He knows Himchan will never appreciate his own strange beauty, and some days that seems unbearably sad.
Himchan leaves the towel behind on his bed and then tugs the laptop out of Yongguk's grasp, setting it gently down on the floor. When Yongguk protests, he just lies on top of him, over the covers, entirely naked. Their noses are touching.
"Hi," Himchan says. His mouth twitches in a poorly-hidden smile.
"Hi," Yongguk sighs. He knows when he's beaten.
"Tell me what's wrong."
"Tell me what's wrong and I'll go down on you?" Himchan raises an eyebrow. Yongguk closes his eyes and bites his lip, hard, at all the images that conjures up. At all the shame and the guilt and the heat that that single sentence can capture.
"Don't do that," Yongguk rasps. "You shouldn't. Right now. I'm--There's something wrong with me."
Himchan blinks. "You have an STD?"
"Jesus, I--No, Channie. I don't have an STD."
"Then what else could it be? Are you dating someone? You didn't tell me you were dating someone."
"Good, then I'm gonna blow you." Himchan presses a kiss to Yongguk's cheek and starts to slide his way down, but Yongguk catches him by the arm before Himchan can slip lower than Yongguk's chest.
"I--that thing you said," Yongguk says helplessly. "It was messed up. I'm so messed up."
"Whoa, hey," Himchan rolls to one side, pulling Yongguk to face him. "What? What did I say?"
"That whole thing. In Japan." Yongguk closes his eyes. His face feels warm. "The...you know."
"Oh. It made you upset?"
Yongguk grimaces. "I don't know if upset is the right word."
"Oh." There's a definite lilt to Himchan's tone, and Yongguk can feel the rough pads of his fingertips smoothing across Yongguk's cheek bones. "Hey. Guk. Open your eyes and look at me."
Yongguk shakes his head.
Himchan sighs. "Okay, fine. But I'm just going to talk and you're going to listen and you open your eyes whenever you want to, okay?"
"How is that any different from normal?"
Himchan pinches his cheek. "Brat." Yongguk allows himself a small smile. He can hear Himchan sigh, and in his mind he can see Himchan's prominent collar bones and his pale chest, sucking in air and then letting it rush out again.
"When I was in college, there was this girl. It wasn't a real thing, we just had sex a few times. But she was really wild and she wanted all this stuff--she wanted me to tie her up, you know? Stuff like that."
"Did you do it?" Yongguk finds himself interested, despite himself. He's never heard this story before. Not that it seems like some big secret; more like something that was just never brought up, because it wasn't relevant. Yongguk knows Himchan wouldn't tell a real story like this to the dongsaengs. He'd make something up instead.
"Sure. She was hot. But like that was the thing - she wanted to call me Daddy."
"And I was like ah, Hyojin, that's kind of fucked up, you know?" Himchan is silent for a moment. "I asked her why, like, did something...you know, happen?" His voice is momentarily clipped and harsh, but then softens. "But she said no. She said it just made it her feel good. Like she was safe and loved. She said it didn't make her think of her family at all."
Yongguk forces himself to open his eyes. "Ah," he says.
"Guk, people like lots of weird shit," Himchan says, smiling wide and sweet. "That one's pretty low on the weird spectrum. Especially if you think of it like that. It's really not that different from oppa."
"It feels different," Yongguk says. "And I just--I don't know." He understands Himchan's words and he knows what Himchan is trying to say, but he's not sure that a simple explanation is enough to overcome the discomfort.
"Hey, if you want to try it out, you could call me Daddy instead," Himchan cracks.
Yongguk isn't prepared for the way his body responds. His chest feels tight and his hands are tingling and he feels lightheaded from all the blood rushing away from his head. His throat is dry.
"Oh," Himchan says softly. "That got a reaction."
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to," Himchan says. He brushes his fingers over the lobe of Yongguk's right ear. "I'm pretty sure I just saw your pupils dilate." He leans in, pressing their mouths together in a mostly-chaste kiss. "Can I?"
"Yeah," Yongguk rasps.
"You don't have to say anything," Himchan mumbles, already climbing back on top of Yongguk, sucking at his neck and jaw with wet lips. "But you can. If you want to." Yongguk whines, leaning back and letting Himchan swipe his tongue over the sensitive skin. He pushes the sheets between them down and away, so that they're suddenly pressed skin to skin.
Yongguk runs his palms over and around Himchan's strong thighs. Himchan's mouth is slick and burning hot and he's already hard against Yongguk's stomach. Yongguk is already hard against his own stomach. He wonders when that happened.
Their bodies slide together. Even if neither of them will ever be the best dancer, they've still always managed to get a rhythm going. It's so familiar by now that Yongguk doesn't even have to think about it; he can get off just like this, to the sound of Himchan's low groans and the smell of his hair and the heat that pools between them.
"Wait, I changed my mind," Himchan says suddenly. He sighs, rubbing himself against Yongguk's stomach, pushing the head of his cock through the sticky mess they've created. "No blowjobs. I want to fuck. Do you want to fuck me? I want you to fuck me."
"Yeah. Okay." They've only done this once or twice, not counting all those times it went badly and they ended up just laughing or giving up or one of them came way before the actual fucking. But those few times--had been worth it.
"Wait," Yongguk says, pulling away from Himchan's red mouth. "Wait, but I didn't bring any lube."
"I have some," Himchan says. He slides off the bed and rummages in his luggage for barely a second before coming up with a small bottle. "You never know when you're going to need it."
"You're terrible," Yongguk breathes. Himchan's smile is self-satisfied as he coats Yongguk's fingers and his own with the thick substance.
"I'm well-prepared," Himchan corrects. The lighting in the room softens his angles into curves and lines as he kneels on the bed, straddling Yongguk's hips. Yongguk draws the fingers of his left hand across the crease where Himchan's body meets his thigh. He slides the other one up, between Himchan's legs, meeting Himchan's own fingers already sinking into himself.
"Kiss me," Yongguk says, sitting up. He reaches for Himchan's chin and Himchan opens for him with a soft, pleased sigh. Yongguk explores the familiar territory of Himchan’s mouth, his teeth and his tongue and the tiny cut he currently has near the corner of his lip. He rubs his fingers over and around Himchan's hole as Himchan presses his fingers inside himself over and over.
Himchan gasps when Yongguk runs his fingers firmly around the ring of Himchan's stretched hole, and then whines into Yongguk's mouth when Yongguk begins to slowly work his finger inside, next to two of Himchan's own. The angle is sharper, even if Yongguk's fingers are slim, and when Yongguk finally slips inside he can feel Himchan shake.
"Good?" Yongguk whispers. Himchan nods, letting his head fall forward onto Yongguk's shoulder. Yongguk kisses his hair and tries to ignore the way his own body feels like he's shaking from the inside out.
"God, okay," Himchan says suddenly, pulling his fingers out and pushing Yongguk away. "Enough. Lay back down." He wipes his fingers on a towel, and then pushes at Yongguk's shoulder, leaning down until he's at the right angle to slide himself backwards onto Yongguk's cock. Their skin is slippery with sweat. Yongguk holds onto Himchan's hips like a lifeline.
"You still want to call me Daddy?" Himchan rasps. There's a wicked smile in his eyes even as he holds Yongguk's cock firm and begins to push himself backwards.
"Fuck." Yongguk's back arches at the first press of his cock against Himchan's hole, and he grunts when the tip suddenly slips inside. Himchan is unbelievably tight, wet and hot and pulsing around his cock.
It's as though the words are torn out of him, pulled up from somewhere deep inside and spilling out through his mouth in a tiny strangled whine. "Fuck, I--Da--Daddy." He closes his eyes, feeling his face flame sudden and hot, but all he hears is Himchan making a pleased noise. When he opens his eyes again, it's to watch Himchan sighing with pleasure as he sinks down further.
"Good boy," he says. "You're going to fuck Daddy nice and hard, right?" Yongguk nods, speechless. His hands on Himchan's skin are a lifeline. The rope that's tethering him to the shore.
Yongguk pushes his hips up, fucking into Himchan the rest of the way, making him moan and shiver on Yongguk's cock. "That's good," Himchan mumbles. "Bbang, that's so good, do that again." Yongguk thrusts up, sinking into Himchan's tight heat over and over.
The angle is good but it's not perfect, and Yongguk can't get quite enough leverage to fuck Himchan as hard as he wants to. He repositions them so that Himchan can lean back against Yongguk's knees and just fuck himself down on the thick length of his cock.
"Fuck, you're such a good boy," Himchan gasps, his back arching on the first hard thrust. He sinks back down and then Yongguk thrusts up again, throwing off his rhythm, and Himchan groans loud enough for the whole floor to hear them.
"That's right, just like that. Fuck Daddy just like that." Himchan has never been able to shut up during sex, and normally Yongguk just closes his eyes and lets the words rush over them in a sea of filthy moans. This time is different. This time Yongguk is straining to hear and Himchan's words are making him shiver and ache. He can't think about anything besides the way his cock feels slamming into Himchan's body, or the way every whispered word makes his stomach even more coiled and tense.
"You like this, don't you," Himchan breathes. He pauses for a moment, letting Yongguk's cock slip out as he leans forward. "You like being told you're a good boy." Himchan grabs the lube, messily coating Yongguk's cock again and giving him a few good pumps while he does so.
"Yes," Yongguk whispers.
"Then fuck me," Himchan says, crawling back on top of him. "Call me Daddy and fuck me. Whisper it into my mouth." He's skimming his lube-slick hand over his own cockhead, panting at the sensation.
Yongguk moans, meeting his mouth in something that's more of a bite than a kiss.
"Daddy," he whispers, not daring to say it any louder, groaning the words into Himchan's skin like a prayer. Himchan is slick and open, and Yongguk's cock presses inside easily, slides in almost too fast with all of the lube.
Somehow, the word seems to fall off his lips with every new thrust. Himchan is panting, circling his hips and giving just as good as he gets. He's a sweaty, filthy mess and Yongguk thinks he's never seen him look more beautiful. They rise to meet each other halfway.
"Daddy, daddy, daddy--"
"So good," Himchan whispers, before he's ducking his head and groaning out his orgasm into Yongguk's shoulder and the pillows bunched up around them. Yongguk pushes in deep, sinks in as hard as he can and just as he feels the thick, hot spurts of come land on his stomach, he whispers it one last time.
"Yeah, come on," Himchan murmurs, still panting, his body still pulsing from the aftershocks. "Come on, baby--"
Yongguk closes his eyes, emptying himself into the slick heat of Himchan's body, unable to do anything but ride out the sensations.
They're a sticky, sore mess when Yongguk finally opens his eyes again.
"Hey," Himchan says, leaning down to kiss him. He waits a beat. "So, that was exciting."
Yongguk stares at him for a long moment before the tension bursts, before he's laughing and he's smiling and he doesn't even know why.
"You're always so cute when you come," Himchan teases, pressing back against Yongguk's softening cock. "You scrunch your face up."
"Shut up," Yongguk says. "Why am I even laughing?"
"Endorphins," Himchan says, kissing him again. "Good sex. Kinky sex. Whatever. You don't always have to understand everything."
Yongguk swallows. "I didn't know I wanted that," he says truthfully. "It was better when--when it was me. When I wasn't the person in charge. So I knew I wasn't hurting anyone." He doesn't know what he's saying, or what he wants to say. He doesn't know how to explain the images in his brain--all the things he wants and the things he's afraid of. He knows there's a firm line between the two, and yet he's scared all the same.
"Listen, If I ever call you Daddy, it will be because I want to," Himchan says, carefully pulling off and using one of the hotel towels to mop up the mess. "You don't have to be responsible for the world, Bbang. Just yourself."
Yongguk smiles, because it's such a Himchan thing to say. "I'm working on it."
"No, you aren't," Himchan says, rolling his eyes. He leaves with the messy towel and returns with a clean facecloth, still hot from the sink. He wipes Yongguk down first, and then himself. Yongguk watches.
"Stay here tonight," he says quietly, when Himchan is done. They usually move back to their separate beds--if they're awake enough--but Yongguk needs someone to hold on to and he needs to say thank you, all at once.
"No tiggers," Himchan says firmly. He gives the stuffed animal wedged underneath the pillows a deeply distrustful look.
Yongguk rolls his eyes. "No tiggers," he says, pulling Tigger out and sitting him down on the floor next to the bed. Himchan is so fucking weird. "Now come here." He holds out his arms, and Himchan curls up into them.
"You okay?" he says, once the lights have been turned off and it's the heat of their skin and the sound of their breath mingling in the dark.
"Yeah," Yongguk says, kissing Himchan's forehead. Himchan makes a pleased noise, and squirms closer. Yongguk tries not to smile. "Yeah. I'm okay."