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Living life on edge

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"So you're the man who has everything... And nothing." Quote by Yinsen.

Some things never change.

Tony knew that. He knew that some things was just bound to stay the same.

He knew he was the same.

It didn't matter how many lifes he was saving. How many times he was risking his life. How many times he was trying to be a better person. But some things just didn't change.

He would always have blood on his hands. Screams in his ears. Guilt in his body.

Tony could see the faces of the people he has never met, but yet, had killed. He could see them staring at him, their eyes wide open, filled with pain and misery. Mouths open in a silent scream. Blood dripping from their faces.

Yes, Tony knew he wasn't the one who technically killed them. But the weapons was his. Every single one of them proudly showing the name of who created them.


So no. Tony wasn't the one who killed them.

Not that it mattered anyway.

After Afghanistan, Tony tried to change. He tried to do some good. And thus, Iron Man was created.

The people hailed Iron Man. They loved him. Who doesn't love a good superhero?

But, that's the thing. Iron Man may be the superhero they wanted. But the man behind the mask?

He wasn't a hero.

Tony was a murderer. He was an egoistic, arrogant, narcissist, asshole who only did stuff for himself. Yes, he saved lifes. Why? To get the blood of his hands. Yes, he stopped making weapons. Why? To get some of the guilt away. Yes, he tried to change. Why?

Because he didn't want to be Tony Stark anymore.

So he hid behind the suit. He tried to be someone he was not. He tried to change.

But it wasn't enough.

Tony sighed. His thoughts were running wild again. He raised his bottle of whiskey again to his lip, taking another shot of it. He knew it would take another bottle to make him drunk. Tony sighed again, looking down to his right, so he could look over the edge of the landing pad. He could see the city beneath him, cars going back and forth. He watched them intently for some seconds, before his hand suddenly opened and the whiskey bottle fell to the ground with a sharp crash. The rest of the whiskey that had been it was splashed on the ground, covering Tony's shoes. He didn't seem to realize. Instead, he took one step closer to the edge. The wind made him shiver. Tony was staring intently on the ground far under him, almost in a daze, but that was not the case. His mind was just far away for the moment.

A man in a big suit. Take that away and what are you?

He could hear Steve clear in his head. You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.

Tony let out a shaky breath. Both of those two things was right. It didn't matter how many times he would change, because there would always be one who could see through the mask.

So you're the man who has everything and nothing.

Yinsen. He had failed Yinsen so many times. His death was the worst one.


Tony took a tiny step forward. His toes was just out of the edge.


He looked down again to the ground. It was a long fall.

You can't change. Admit it. Those deaths will always be on you.

Tony gritted his teeths. It was true. They would always be on him. It didn't matter what he did.

Insomniac. Work-mania. Alcoholist. Same as always. You just made it worse. Drinking and working until you pass out.

Darkness was surrounding him. It was in the corner of his eyes, on the outskirts of his mind and it was slowly creeping into him. His hands were shaking badly.

Hero. Who are you kidding? 

He just couldn't. He couldn't do it anymore. The guilt was building up inside of him. It was slowly suffocating him. He choked on the air and swallowed, gasping. The cars beneath him was going out of focus. Tony blinked, but he couldn't focus.

You're alone.

Yes he was alone. Like always.

No one will really miss you.

Of course.

One step.

Tony let out a long breath.

All it takes is for you to take that last step.

He closed his eyes.

You deserve this.

Tony lifted up his foot.




Just so he could take a step back.

I can't kill myself.

Tony stared out over the city.

I don't deserve the right to take the pain away.

He turned on the spot, not looking back once.