Chapter 1: Begin
As Jin stands there with the camera recording, memories are being saved. He never wants this to be forgotten- never wants any of these happy times they shared to be forgotten or lost. On this spring day, all that can be seen are the bright smiles on their faces, all that can be heard is their laughter, and their voices when all of them talk together.
Taehyung is talking with Namjoon, Hoseok and Jungkook are play fighting, and Yoongi and Jimin are also talking but also watching the others too. And then they're playing games, jumping on each other, sword fighting with sticks, and doing graffiti, and a bunch of other things.
Despite his rough life at home with his abusive father, Taehyung is happy right now. Despite struggling with pills and severe depression, Hoseok is happy right now. Despite his depression and anxiety, Yoongi is happy right now. Despite his insecurities and mild depression, Jimin is happy right now. Despite struggling with his feelings most of the time, Jungkook is happy right now. Despite being stressed all the time from work to be able to help take care of the others, Namjoon is happy right now.
Despite the fact that his thoughts are everywhere and have been for the past few weeks or so, Jin isn't quite happy, but he is happy enough to smile genuinely.
As it starts to get a bit darker, they all pile into Jin's truck and drive to the beach to watch the sunset together. They play around for a bit more, but eventually they all end up sitting around, watching the waves of the ocean, the setting sun. There's a bridge that extends over the large body of water in the distance, and they can see the tiny lights of the cars passing over it. Smiles are still on their faces, and they don't seem to care it's getting a bit chilly out. This day is one of the best they'd ever had.
As the sun finally sinks beneath the horizon, Jimin pulls Yoongi and Hoseok (who are on each side of him) closer, and in turn they pull the ones next to them closer as well, and so on. Jimin smiles, looking at all of them.
"You guys... you are my everything," he says, grinning, and they smile, laugh lightly and nod in agreement until Jimin speaks again, his voice soft, almost inaudible, the grin turning into a sad smile. "I probably would be dead or close to it without you. You guys helped with my eating problem and my... other problems, a lot, and I'm still trying to figure out how to thank you for it."
"No thanks necessary," Jungkook smiles, and Yoongi pulls Jimin a little closer.
"We've got your back, and we hope you've got our backs as well," Taehyung murmurs, and he's smiling a little too. Jimin nods at that, and Taehyung smiles at Jin. "Jin has really helped me a lot, but you guys have helped so much too."
"I feel the same way," Hoseok replies, and the others look at him, listening. Hoseok is smiling still, but it falls slightly with his next words. "You guys have helped me so much, and I don't know if I would be here if I didn't have you."
"Hobi," Jin says as he pulls him closer, and Hoseok lets his head fall on the older boy's shoulder. Jin closes his eyes momentarily, breathing in the scent of the ocean. His mouth is in a small smile when his eyes reopen, but his eyes are full of sadness.
"I love you all," he whispers, and they all move into a group hug. "I love you all to the ends of the earth and back. No matter what happens, promise me you'll never forget this." They all nod, looking at Jin, who kisses all of their cheeks softly, and then Namjoon smiles, his face heating up when Jin gets to him.
"Things wouldn't be the same without you guys," Yoongi admits, and they all pull apart slightly to look at him. "Before you guys, my depression and anxiety were so bad that I couldn't even fake a smile. I stayed drunk most of the time and was slowly killing myself. With you guys, I don't have to fake smiles or get drunk to be content because when I smile now, it's real. I'm not as depressed as I was before. When I'm with you, I feel happy."
Jimin smiles at him again, letting his head fall on Yoongi's shoulder, "You can smile as long as we're together." And everyone nods at that.
Things will never be the same after this day.
Not because this was the first time some of them had actually talked about things in a while. Not because this day really changed them much. No, it's because this day is the last day they'd be happy and smile. This day is their last good day.
On the way back home, they stop to get gas. Namjoon gets out to pump while Hoseok runs inside to pay, and Jin sits behind the wheel, watching Namjoon. Jimin is asleep in the bed of the truck, and when Hoseok comes out he covers him up more with the blanket, and Taehyung and Jungkook smile at them.
Namjoon finishes pumping and goes over to Jin's window, reaching for his pastel pink Polaroid camera, holding it up to take a photo of Jin, who, this time, doesn't really refuse to have his picture taken. Yoongi jumps in the photo at the last minute from the backseat, but ends up retreating before the photo is actually taken.
The picture comes out of the camera, and when Namjoon gets back in the truck, he puts the photo in the glovebox, and Jin watches him with a smile before he drives off. He'll let him keep that photo, maybe.
Soon they're back at their house since Yoongi, Jungkook and Taehyung all decide to spend the night, and they eat something nice that Jin makes. Then they all pile up together the best they can on the couch, most of them drifting off to a peaceful sleep- the best way to end a good day.
Jin doesn't sleep much. Around seven in the morning, he gets up off the couch, and his heart aches as he looks at the boys. Tears well up in his eyes as he kisses each of their foreheads, lingering awhile- he knows.
Later, after the sun has risen, is when he's sitting, alone, in his truck on the beach. He watches the water for a long time, and then suddenly remembers the photo and opens the glovebox, reaching for it. He pulls it out, and a small smile appears for a short moment, but then he puts it back in there. He pulls out his phone and sends one quick text, shutting it off after he gets a response and then shoving it into the glovebox as well.
He closes his eyes for a bit before he leaves the beach, and he hopes that things will be okay, especially for the boys. He takes his time thinking of each of them and how much he loves them all. He ends up tearing up again. And again, he knows.
He knows that it'll probably be the last time. He knows everything will change. In just a few short hours, everything will change, because he can't expect things not to. He knows nothing will ever be the same. Not after today. Today, it ends and begins.
He drives across the bridge now, taking a deep breath.
Today, the boys will wake up feeling happy after what happened yesterday.
He smiles a little, but it's a sad one. They never leave his mind.
Today, the boys will wake up but he won't be there.
He's just happy he got to give them one really great day, and he's happy that he had them in his life.
Today is the day Jin commits suicide.
The boys know something is wrong; not when they wake up and realize Jin isn't there, but when he doesn't come home later.
And then that's when someone - who says he's a police officer - calls and tells them that, "Kim Seokjin committed suicide."
He also tells them that witnesses saw him drive right off of the bridge that extends over the beach they visited the night before, and that it appeared to be intentional.
"Seokjin drowned in his car," the policeman tells them, "He's dead."
And none of the boys know how to handle this, after the policeman finally hangs up the phone. All of them first feel extremely upset and shaken, and then they feel numb inside and so confused and hurt. At one point, they're all crying, even just a little.
They all can't help but to feel both angry and sad. Some of them shed more tears than the others - Jimin and Hoseok - and Taehyung gets really angry, and the others just keep it in the best they can so they don't fall apart. Namjoon has to be strong for all of them, he has to take care of them, but he's hurting inside so much- probably more than anyone (he had feelings for Jin, but he guesses he has to get over it now). Yoongi feels he has to be strong too, to make sure the others are okay, and Jungkook just can't bring himself to cry. He just feels empty.
None of them can figure out why- why Jin would do something like this. He was happy, wasn't he? Or were they wrong?
It just doesn't make sense.
There is no funeral since they couldn't find Jin's body, the officer had said, and it's Jimin who finds Jin's suicide note. He wasn't even looking for one (he just wanted to lie in Jin's bed and cry for a while, wanted to be alone for a bit, wanted to inhale Jin's scent and pretend he was hugging him, because pretending makes everything better, doesn't it?), but when he walks in, he notices it- the note, sitting on the bedside table, folded up neatly, and he quickly picks it up.
He unfolds the paper, reading the messy hangul written there. He realizes he's crying when teardrops hit the page in his hand, and then his legs feel weak and he can't stand anymore.
It's Hoseok who finds him sitting on the floor in Jin's room later, crying his eyes out, the note put away so Hoseok won't see it. Hoseok quickly kneels beside him and wraps his arms around him.
"Jiminie," he says softly, pulling the younger boy into his arms. "Hey, it's okay, come here."
Jimin clings to him, hands gripping the oversized sweater Hoseok is wearing as he cries into his chest. Hoseok brushes the hair out of Jimin's eyes, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
"It's okay," he whispers, trying to get the other boy to calm down, because it's all he can do right now.
Things slowly begin to fall apart after that.
The boys begin to grow more distant, each trying to deal with their feelings in their own ways. Namjoon wishes he had known about Jin's depression so he could have stopped it. He blames himself, because wasn't he the one with the feelings for Jin after what had happened between them that one time? That time Jin got drunk and kissed Namjoon, who had been mostly sober, and then Jin suggested the next morning that they never talk about it again and Namjoon agreed because that's what Jin had wanted?
He wonders when Jin started feeling the way he did. Sure, he paid lots of attention to him, but he never noticed. It makes his heart hurt, and his head too. He should have noticed- he is the one with the really high IQ after all.
But no matter how smart he is, he still didn't see it.
Taehyung is the most distant out of all of them. He comes to the other boys' shared house (not counting Jungkook, who lives with Yoongi, who has his own apartment), his home away from the sorry excuse for a home he has with his father and sister - the place he goes to when he desperately needs to get away - but he doesn't interact much with anyone else anymore, preferring to stay in the spare room made up for him (and sometimes Jungkook too) to just think, to get away, to be alone.
He'll show up, shut himself in there, and be gone by morning. Jungkook and Namjoon practically force him to eat while he's there, and so they're the only ones he interacts with.
Yoongi is trying to keep it together more than Namjoon is, but he finds himself being awfully distant as well. Half the time, somewhat like Taehyung, he finds himself in the room set aside for him, or at his apartment, staring at the wall. Sometimes he'll flick a lighter, staring into the flames. He doesn't talk much anymore, like before he met the others. Never smiles. He spaces out a lot, getting lost in thought, wondering why things had to be this way.
Jungkook is trying his best to get over it, spending a lot of time around both Taehyung and Yoongi more than anyone to help them try too, but he's still devastated, as he should be. He's trying harder than anyone to just cope, and get over it, (because it happened, and it can't be changed, so why let it control him? It's not like they'll never be happy again, and he knows that) but he notices none of the others seem to be doing the same. He guesses he understands, but at the same time he doesn't.
Hoseok is trying to keep everyone together, but it isn't really working. He's close to giving up, really, on trying to keep it together, on himself mostly. He finds himself starting to take pills again, because they make him feel numb and make the pain go away. He sleeps a lot more too, because if he's asleep then he isn't aware. He does, however, have nightmares about Jin, and that's when he finds himself waking up to take more pills.
Jimin feels lonely, even in a place with others. His depression has gotten worse, he quit eating again, he barely sleeps and he's losing hope. He doesn't know what to do anymore. The others are there, but they're all lost in their own worlds, and Jimin feels like he's all alone. He finds himself thinking about dying way more than he should, but he can't help it, even though he knows suicide is selfish, even though he knows that it'd break the other boys more if he killed himself.
It's so hard for them to even look at each other anymore. It's hard for them to be around each other without feeling like something - or someone - is missing. They're constantly reminded of Jin.
In the dining room, there's one extra chair that no one ever sits in. Upstairs, there's an untouched bedroom full of things that are no longer used. In the cabinet, there's only one coffee cup that's collecting dust. In the bathroom, there's a toothbrush no one touches. Everything is a reminder of him.
Jin was very close to all of them, and his death hurt them way more than he probably ever thought it would. They all miss him, even though they're all angry at him, and they just wish that they could have him back.
They just wish.
He's waking up somewhere unfamiliar. A white room with white furniture, wearing white clothes. A wilting white lily sits on the table beside the bed, but one of the petals had already died and fallen off. He stares at it, wondering where he is, wondering where the others are, but suddenly he's falling asleep again and he can't fight it, so, confused, he lets sleep take over once again.
A month passes and nothing gets better. In fact, it's only gotten worse.
Namjoon still blames himself. Jungkook still tries to help. Taehyung still stays in his own world. Hoseok is still close to giving up. Yoongi still flicks his lighter and stares at walls. Jimin still thinks about dying.
Not much has changed, really, but the pain of losing Jin only gets worse with each passing day. It intensifies and they feel even more depressed.
Taehyung tries to keep dealing with the abuse, but he's close to snapping. For now, though, he holds all his frustrations in. He lets his father do what he wants to him. He leaves when he passes out. He makes sure his sister is okay.
He spends most of his time away from everyone, but he finds himself texting Jungkook a lot. They don't talk about much, but there are so many things Taehyung needs to say to him.
They meet up late in the night, and Jungkook talks about Yoongi and he talks about the dinner he had with his parents the other night, and they say everything except what needs to be said.
He pretends to not notice the looks Jungkook gives him, the accidental touches that last longer than necessary, the way Jungkook talks to him like he's the only one that matters and the way Jungkook listens to him.
It's not that he doesn't want to notice, he just doesn't want to get hurt if it all means nothing. After all, he's already hurting every single day, thanks to Jin, as well as his own father.
He doesn't want to be hurt by Jungkook as well.
And Yoongi is trying to not break down, but it's getting harder, especially since all he does is sit around and think about it all. He only ever sees Jungkook anymore as he never leaves his apartment. He knows it isn't fair to the others, but he doesn't think they care much anyway.
Jungkook tries to get him to just come to the house, tries to get him to interact with someone but Yoongi doesn't listen. Jungkook tries and tries, and he begs and pleads and tells him that what he's doing isn't "healthy", but Yoongi doesn't want to hear it.
"You're going to end up killing yourself just like Jin did," Jungkook mutters one night, and it's then that Yoongi finally snaps, yelling at the top of his lungs and crying and throwing anything in his reach. Jungkook tries to stop him, but they end up hitting each other and yelling at each other.
When they're both tired from fighting, Jungkook speaks. "I'm leaving for a while," he says bitterly, and he hears Yoongi huff. "Just- do what you want, I guess. All I was trying to do was help, but maybe I'm done helping. I understand that you're hurting, because I am too, and so are the others. But I guess you can't realize that. So... let me know if you decide you want to not be ridiculous."
And without a word from Yoongi, Jungkook leaves, pulling out his phone to text Taehyung and ask him if he wants to meet up. When he gets a response, he heads for the beach, but on his way he bumps into someone on accident.
He turns to apologize but the guy and his friends are roughly yanking him into an alleyway, shoving him against the wall before punching him, kicking him, and doing anything to cause him pain.
"It was an accident," he wheezes out, but he gets another punch for it.
"There are no such thing as accidents," the guy spits, and Jungkook finds himself giving up, not even caring that they're beating him. He figures that Taehyung must have it worse at home anyway. This isn't anything compared to what Taehyung goes through on a daily basis.
When the guys finally leave him alone and take off, he finds himself getting a call from Taehyung as he gets up, and answers almost immediately.
"Hey, where are-" Taehyung begins to ask, but Jungkook quickly cuts him off as he limps down the sidewalk.
"I- I'm sorry, Tae, I'm coming," he says breathlessly, and Taehyung can hear the pain in his voice.
"Kookie, are you okay?" He asks worriedly, and Jungkook contemplates lying before he realizes that he's meeting up with Taehyung anyway, and he knows Taehyung will know.
"Not really," he finally says, frowning.
"I got my ass kicked, and the worst part is that it was because I accidentally bumped into the guy."
"You're not too hurt, are you?" Jungkook can hear the anger in Taehyung's voice. He's not even trying to hide it, and he feels his face heating up at how protective Taehyung can get, especially over those he's closest to.
It's things like these that make Jungkook start to question the feelings he already has for someone else. Sometimes he finds himself thinking about Taehyung more than he really should, finds himself looking at him more, touching him longer than necessary, worrying about him more than he should, but Jungkook knows where is heart is, who he's given it to.
And the one is not Taehyung. Part of him wants it to be but it just isn't.
His heart belongs with Jimin.
"Well, I mean, I'll be okay-"
"But you already fought with Yoongi too. You must be in pain. Are you hurting?" Jungkook doesn't answer, and Taehyung sighs. "Hey, are you almost here yet?"
"Yeah," he begins as he turns to cross the street, "I'm just crossing the-"
He doesn't get to finish that sentence. There's a crash before the line goes dead, and Taehyung is panicking as soon as it happens. He quickly calls Yoongi, running as he waits for him to pick up.
When he does, Taehyung is practically crying down the line, "Yoongi, it's Kookie- he's hurt," And that quick, Yoongi is leaving the apartment, getting into the car and driving away.
When he sees the ambulance in the middle of the road and tons of police cars, he wishes he hadn't. He watches as a stretcher is loaded into the back quickly, and Yoongi stops, following the ambulance when it takes Jungkook away.
Meanwhile, still on the beach, Taehyung is crying, calling Namjoon to let him know. Namjoon says he'll come pick Taehyung up first, and the younger of the two stays where he is, hoping Jungkook isn't dead.
It's all he can do right now.
In the hospital waiting room, Yoongi is anxious, bouncing his leg and stating at the wall.
After a little while, the other boys are there joining him, and Jimin leans into his side, his lip between his teeth as his heart pounds in his chest with worry, his thoughts swimming. Yoongi is too anxiety ridden to try to comfort him, but Jimin seems content with just being beside him, his head on the older's shoulder, holding his arm like it's keeping him alive.
Yoongi doesn't notice his significant weight loss, nor many other things he should've noticed, and Jimin doesn't notice the bags under Yoongi's eyes, nor the burns on his hands. No one notices Taehyung's black eye, no one notices Hoseok's behavior, no one notices the dullness in Namjoon's eyes.
Taehyung is the only one crying. Sitting in the uncomfortable chair with his legs pulled to his chest, he cries softly, and Hoseok is rubbing his back, his eyes darting from the entryway to Taehyung and back again as he scans the room over and over, watching, waiting.
Namjoon, like Yoongi, is staring at the wall, waiting for someone to come and either give them good news or bad news. Or both. He hopes to god that Jungkook is okay, but he keeps wondering if he's gone. He can't help it.
It's the first time they've all been around each other in a while.
No one remembered to contact Jungkook's parents, it seems, and Namjoon makes a mental note to contact them one they hear what's going on with Jungkook.
When the doctor steps into the waiting room and his eyes land on them, Namjoon stands, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. His eyes are full of hope, but the others' are as well.
The doctor sighs, and for a moment, everyone's hearts are stopping, preparing for the worst. "Well," the doctor finally says, and Jimin's grip on Yoongi's arm tightens, Hoseok squeezes Taehyung's shoulder, and Namjoon swallows the lump in his throat, "He's alive."
They all let out the breaths they had been unaware that they were holding, feeling relieved. "But," the doctor begins again, and they're alert again, "I don't think he'll be able to walk again. There's a chance, but it's a very, very slim chance."
"Okay," Namjoon nods, swallowing again, "Okay. Is he alright? Is he in pain? Is he awake and can we see him? What can we do?"
"He's as good as one that got nearly killed by a car and got beaten can be," the doctor replies, and Namjoon nods again. "He shouldn't be in too much pain - we gave him some morphine. He's asleep now, so I don't think you should disturb him. No offence, but I honestly think the best you can do is go home for now. I'm sorry."
"Alright," Namjoon utters, a bit distracted. The boys all stand, thanking the doctor before they walk out of the room and down the hallway.
Taehyung and Hoseok ride with Namjoon, while Jimin rides with Yoongi to their little shared house. Namjoon makes sure to call Jungkook's parents and let them know, and the rest of the ride is silent. And when they all arrive at the house, they sit around together like they did in the waiting room until it's time for bed.
Taehyung bunks with Namjoon and Yoongi bunks with Hoseok and Jimin. Hoseok falls asleep quickly (thanks to the sleeping pills he took while no one was looking), but neither Jimin nor Yoongi can sleep.
Jimin is close to falling asleep when he hears Yoongi speak. "It's my fault," he whispers, and Jimin sits up slightly, looking at Yoongi, who lies beside him without touching him (which is impressive considering they're lying on a small mattress).
"What are you talking about?" Jimin wants to ask, but it seems Yoongi knows what he was thinking and speaks again before Jimin can.
"Jungkook," Yoongi clarifies, and Jimin frowns, not understanding. "The reason he was out was because we got into a fight, all because I was being selfish. Taehyung said they were going to meet up, but Jungkook got beat up by some assholes and was late."
"You can't blame yourself for this," Jimin says softly, and Yoongi frowns, looking over at him. "No one is to blame for what happened... to Jungkook... and, well... you know..."
And what happened to Jin.
He doesn't say it, but he doesn't have to for Yoongi to get it. "I know," Yoongi whispers softly, and Jimin nods, biting his lip. "But still... if Jungkook would have died, I don't think I could live with it... the guilt, I mean. As it is, for some reason I feel like I'm partially to blame for what happened... before..."
They can never bring themselves to say his name anymore. Even after a month, nearly two. Jungkook is the only one who did.
"If anyone is to blame for that, it's probably all of us," Jimin says a bit absentmindedly, "Not just you." He knows the truth, the reason why Jin did it- he read Jin's note, after all. He just can't bring himself to say it to anyone.
"It still hurts," Yoongi admits, and Jimin nods. He knows exactly how Yoongi feels. "And they said that time heals all wounds, but this wound doesn't seem to be healing. Time is so cruel."
"Maybe not enough time has passed," Jimin shrugs, sighing out. "But you're right, though- time is so cruel. And I hate us. I think, maybe it's us that's the problem. We're making it worse for each other."
Yoongi nods in agreement. Again, he looks at Jimin, who's staring off somewhere in the dark. Yoongi can tell that he's still devastated, but there's something else in his eyes. Something Yoongi can't place, but it's something that makes him feel uneasy. He doesn't like it, but he brushes it off as nothing.
'Help me,' his eyes say, 'I'm ready to give up.'
But Yoongi doesn't hear a thing.
"We should try to get some sleep," he says after a moment of silence, glancing at Hoseok, who's passed out on the other bed, and Jimin nods, lying back down.
"Let's just," Yoongi whispers suddenly again, which has Jimin looking up at him, "Let's close our eyes, count to three and hope for better days. That's all we can do."
He sighs when Jimin is silent.
"I can't say that it'll make things better," Yoongi starts, "I can't say only good things will happen now. I can't say it won't hurt anymore. I can't say those lies. I can't ask you to be happy and erase all your same memories. I can't ask you to forget. But I can ask you to just hold my hand and smile anyway, because as long as we're together, we can do that. We can smile. Together we can smile through the hurt and maybe... maybe that's enough."
"Okay," Jimin nods again, and with both of their eyes shut tight, he reaches for Yoongi's hand.
"One," Yoongi breathes inaudibly, but the next word is much louder, "Two..."
"Three," Jimin utters softly, and feels Yoongi's lips on his forehead.
"Goodnight," the older boy says, and Jimin squeezes his hand.
Yoongi stays around the boys more after that, not going back to his apartment. They visit Jungkook, who won't be getting out of the hospital any time soon.
Despite the fact he probably won't get to walk again (at least for a while), he's still smiling and joking with the boys. Taehyung holds his hand and doesn't let it go the whole time he's there. The others leave early, but Taehyung stays behind for a while longer.
Jungkook frowns at Taehyung's black eye again. "How bad is it?" He asks, not about the eye but about Taehyung's life at home.
"It doesn't hurt as much as it did," Taehyung utters with a shrug, and Jungkook shakes his head.
"I mean... at home."
Taehyung frowns. "Pretty bad. I'm sick of it. I can't wait until the day I can leave."
"I'm sorry," Jungkook whispers, and it's Taehyung's turn to shake his head before changing the subject.
"Kookie, be honest," Taehyung begins, squeezing the younger boy's hand a little, "Are you feeling okay? Even after knowing that you may end up being in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?"
Jungkook takes a few moments to answer. "Yes and no," he says, and Taehyung raises an eyebrow. "I'm feeling happy that I'm still here, with you, with the boys, but it will suck if I can't walk again."
"You know I'll help take care of you if that's the case," Taehyung replies, his voice soft, and Jungkook smiles a little. "I promise." Taehyung brings Jungkook's hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles, and Jungkook bites his lip, his face turning pink, and Taehyung can't help but to smile at that.
He can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. One second, he's with them, the next he's somewhere else, somewhere unfamiliar. He isn't sure if this is a dream or it it's reality, and all he wants is to be awake, to stop dreaming once and for all.
But he doesn't know if he was ever asleep or not.
Ah, I may not post again until Monday or Tuesday, sorry ♡ hope you guys enjoyed it though!!
Hoseok stares at the wall, scratching at his arm and chewing on his lip. His mouth is dry, but he can't make himself reach over and grab the bottle of water.
It's been a week since Jungkook got hit by that car, and much longer since Jin died- getting closer to two months.
Not once has someone asked if he was okay after Jin's suicide. But honestly, he can't remember asking anyone himself. He can't remember anyone being asked at all, even.
Truth is, he's not okay. He can't go a day without pills anymore- he's back to his old self, but this time, it's worse. He doesn't think anyone has noticed, really, but he also hasn't noticed anything else besides the obvious grief over Jin in the others, even though he knows there must be something else there, hidden away. But he doesn't really want to find out what.
He looks at Taehyung, who sits on the opposite end of the couch, looking very tired. He's on his phone but he looks like he's going to fall asleep.
Hoseok watches him for a little while. He watches as he takes a deep breath in and then exhales softly. He watches him blink every few seconds, watches his mouth as he reacts differently to whatever is on his screen.
Hoseok sighs and moves on, looking at Namjoon now. He's watching the TV but Hoseok feels like he isn't really paying attention to it. He wonders what Namjoon is thinking about.
He looks at Jimin and Yoongi then, who are sitting together like they usually do. Jimin is resting his head on Yoongi's shoulder, and Yoongi is sitting between him and Namjoon, and they all have their eyes on the TV.
Hoseok bites his lip and looks away, feeling nauseous all of a sudden.
He gets up off of the couch, heading into the bathroom. He goes over to the sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror for a while, wondering why he's even here anymore. Who would care if he was gone?
"You're nothing," he tells himself. "You mean nothing to everyone. They'd be better off without you."
Opening the medicine cabinet, he pulls out one of his bottles of sleeping pills, dumping all of them into his hand, staring at them. Some fall into the sink, but there's still plenty in his hand. He doesn't bother writing a note, after all, as far as he knows, Jin didn't either.
Goodbyes are painful, he decides as he stares into the mirror, tipping back his head and bringing his hand to his lips, letting the pills fall into his mouth, a little at a time and he swallows them dry, over and over until they're gone.
Goodbyes are painful, but love is painful too.
He leaves after that, passing all of the boys (minus Jungkook, obviously) on the way to the door, and no one asks are he's going and it hurts, but he still leaves anyway, getting as far from the house and the boys as he can.
He makes it as far as the bridge Jin drove off of before he starts to feel dizzy. He looks at the water on his left and the cars on his right as he staggers slightly, and something hurts but he doesn't know what. Everything is blurry, as he collapses on the concrete, his thoughts filled of the boys and several 'I'm sorry's that no one could hear as he falls unconscious, but sorry is never enough anyway.
Not when it's like this.
Hours go by and Jimin notices Hoseok hasn't returned. Worried, he calls him, and when it's answered, he's relieved for the briefest of moments.
Until he realizes it's not Hoseok that answered, but a nurse at the hospital. His phone is in his shaking hand as he listens to her telling him that someone called an ambulance after witnessing Hoseok collapse due to overdosing on sleeping pills, and that he's okay and resting in the hospital now.
Yoongi touches his shoulder after noticing how bad he was shaking, asking him if he was okay.
Jimin is crying after hanging up, and Yoongi quickly pulls him into a hug.
"Jiminie, what's wrong?" He asks a bit loudly, and it gets the attention of Namjoon and Taehyung, who both start worrying, going over to the crying boy.
It takes Jimin a moment to be able to reply. "Hoseok- he's in the hospital," he cries, and they're all confused but concerned until Jimin finishes, "He overdosed and tried to kill himself."
They all rush into Namjoon's car and head to the hospital once again- it's one thing after another it seems, and they're all about ready to give up, wondering when it all will stop being bad, wondering where all those good times went.
Jimin never wanted it all to end more than he does in this moment. He wants everything- every little thing to stop. He doesn't want to be around to see another friend die or come close to it. They're all he has; he can't lose them.
But they might lose him. Maybe not right now, but if things keep going downhill, he doesn't think he'll last.
He can't take it. He can't watch his friends fall one by one, but there's nothing he can do about it except eliminate himself so he doesn't have to see it all happen.
He's selfish, he knows, but he can't help it. It's not like he wasn't thinking about it before Hoseok and Jungkook. Even before Jin died, he had similar thoughts, but the boys had helped him then.
He doesn't know if it can be helped now.
When they arrive at the hospital, they wait in the waiting room once again, hoping that Hoseok will wake up soon, although they know that they'll probably end up going home before they get to see him.
Yoongi is sure he looks paler than usual, looks scared, because he really is- he's terrified, more than he was when Jungkook got hit. Jimin is clinging to him again, tightly, and Taehyung is trying not to freak out, Yoongi can tell. Namjoon looks like he's calm, but Yoongi has known him long enough to tell that inside, he's anything but calm.
They wait late into the night, and Taehyung ends up going off to see Jungkook in the meantime to explain. Jimin rests his head on Yoongi's shoulder as he sleeps, and Yoongi just holds him close. Namjoon stares at the floor, thoughts going a mile a minute.
Truth is, he doesn't quite know what to do anymore. He's failing. Turns out, he can't protect and take care of the boys like he thought he could. Two of them nearly died already, and he doesn't know how much more he can take of this. He needs Jin more now than ever; Jin would know how to handle this, but Namjoon doesn't.
He notices Yoongi and Jimin sleeping, so he gets up to go outside and get some air. It's pitch black where the lights can't reach, and there aren't really any people outside- it's about three in the morning. It's getting warmer out with each day, but the nights are still chilly, and Namjoon is glad he's wearing a hoodie.
After a little while, Taehyung steps outside, shivering beneath his thin long sleeve shirt. "Hey," he says softly, and Namjoon mumbles out a response. "What are you doing out here? It's cold as hell."
"Hell isn't cold," Namjoon just mutters, and Taehyung laughs a little, rolling his eyes.
"How would you know? You been there?"
Namjoon only cracks a small smile, but Taehyung has faked enough smiles to know that Namjoon's isn't real.
"Seriously though, why are you out here?" He asks softly, and Namjoon sighs.
"I needed some air."
Taehyung looks over at him for a moment. "Want to talk about it?" He asks then, and Namjoon glances at him, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know it's not just Hobi, and I know it's not just Kookie either. Tell me?"
Namjoon shrugs. "Just stressed," he murmurs, but Taehyung knows better.
"Liar. Seriously, tell me what's bothering you. All of it. Leave nothing out."
Namjoon bites his lip, nodding. "Honestly, I feel like I'm failing you guys. I can't protect you, can't take care of you by myself. I feel like nothing much would change if I wasn't here."
"You know that's not true. We need you, and you need us. It's not even your responsibility to take care of us anyways. And if you need help, then don't hesitate to ask us."
Namjoon swallows, nodding, shifting and staring at the ground a moment before looking up at the dark sky. "I loved him." It comes out as a whisper, and he feels Taehyung looking at him, he knows there are tears on his cheeks now, and he breathes out a humorless laugh. "I never told him and now I never can."
"Joonie," Taehyung says softly, touching the older boy's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, but I know that doesn't mean much. I don't think any of us realized the stress you're under, the horrible pain you must be feeling. I know you're trying but I know it isn't enough- I know it gets hard. I can relate a little. But you must be hurting worse than all of us put together."
Namjoon doesn't say anything, so Taehyung reaches over and wipes his tears away, pulling him into a hug after. Namjoon hugs him back, trying not to break down into a sobbing mess.
"We love you," Taehyung tells him, hugging him tighter, "You know that, right? We all love you so much."
"I love you guys too," he chokes out, digging his fingers into Taehyung's back.
"Let's go wait for Hobi to wake up so we can tell him how much we love him too." At that Namjoon nods, and the two go back inside together.
Hoseok doesn't wake up until sometime after seven, and the nurse comes to tell them that they can see him now. They follow her to his room, and when they walk in, Hoseok is staring towards the window.
"Hobi," Jimin utters, tears spilling again as he quickly walks over and wraps his arms around the older boy, feeling Hoseok do the same to him.
Hoseok presses kisses to Jimin's forehead, cheek and shoulder, whispering an "I'm sorry" between each one, and Jimin sobs into the crook of his neck. Taehyung comes over next, climbing on the bed to hug Hoseok and Yoongi and Namjoon get closer but still wait for their turn. Like with Jimin, Hoseok kisses somewhere on Taehyung's face many times.
After a few moments, Jimin and Taehyung back up so Yoongi and Namjoon can hug him as well. Hoseok has tears on his cheeks and Namjoon wipes them away before he hugs him tightly, kissing his cheek which is red and blotchy. Yoongi hugs him next, murmuring an, "I'm glad you're okay," into his shoulder, and he finds himself actually blushing when Hoseok kisses his cheek and neck.
"Can I ask why you did it?" Taehyung whispers when Yoongi pulls away, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Hoseok bites his lip, sniffling a little.
"I don't really know myself," he says quietly, knowing the truth would hurt more. "I'm sorry."
"You can tell us," Yoongi chimes in, watching as Hoseok looks up at him before he sighs. "What was going through your head when you... you know... what was it?"
"I was thinking that none of you cared, but I can see how wrong I was," he admits, and they all look a bit more sad. "I felt like I meant nothing, but I was just being stupid. I think I was mostly hurt because no one noticed I was back on my pills again, but I understand that all of you had things on your mind. And I know you all are hurting too, and I know I can't be selfish like this. I'm so sorry."
"We love you, Hobi," Namjoon says, holding Hoseok's hand tightly. "We're so sorry too. We should have paid more attention. But I honestly think we all should pay more attention to each other. Starting now."
Hoseok nods, biting his lip again as he squeezes Namjoon's hand. "I love you too," he replies after a few moments, "All of you. I mean it. And I mean it when I say that I really am sorry. I can't even fathom the things you'd be feeling right now if I had succeeded. I'm so, so sorry."
"We forgive you," Taehyung says, smiling a little, "And we'll help you get better." Hoseok nods again.
"Are you guys okay?" He asks after a few moments, frowning.
"Are you okay?" Jimin asks him instead.
"I'm better now that you guys are here, but I wish Kookie could be here too. I miss him."
"Kookie misses you too, Hobi."
In the doorway, sitting in a wheelchair, is none other than Jungkook himself, smiling. Hoseok grins and makes grabby hands, and the others make room for Jungkook to get through as he wheels himself over to hug Hoseok the best he can while in a wheelchair.
"Sorry I'm late," he says, and Taehyung laughs a little, grabbing Jungkook's hand.
"I'd say you're on time," Hoseok smiles, giggling a little. "Thank god I'm not crying anymore. I bet I looked ugly."
"Totally," Taehyung teases, and Hoseok laughs again, and so does Jungkook. Namjoon can't help but to smile at the three.
This is the first real time some of them have smiled and laughed since before Jin died. It's a nice start. They're slowly getting back to being happy again.
But of course, like all good things, it doesn't last.
Ahh, i was gonna wait to post but I changed my mind cx also sorry if you think the title doesn't match too well with this chapter, idk I tried. It makes sense to me: Hoseok (the boy) meets evil (the drugs he's taking again) iDk
Chapter 4: First Love
I was gonna do this tomorrow but I posted today instead c: I hope you're enjoying this so far!!
They don't force Hoseok to go to a mental hospital- Hoseok had insisted it would be better if he was around them all the time. The doctor pulled the others aside after this decision was made and told them to keep an eye on him.
It's been a bit rough after that.
Hoseok has once again gotten off of his pills, but he hasn't been in the best of moods. Taking care of Jungkook once he got back is a lot harder than Taehyung imagined, but thankfully he has the others to help him.
Unfortunately, his sister keeps calling him, begging him to come home, crying that she can't take it anymore- their father is unbearable, and that she wants to die.
Taehyung can't let that happen, but going home means breaking his promise to Jungkook. "I'm sorry," Taehyung says softly, sadness in his voice, "I promised I would take care of you while you're unable to walk, but... my sister... she..."
And he explains the situation, and although Jungkook gets angry at Taehyung's father, he understands that Taehyung needs to go home.
"I have something to confess though, before you go," Jungkook murmurs, his hands in his lap as Taehyung looks at him. "My parents are coming to get me for a while, and so I'll be gone for about two weeks or so. I'm sorry. They wouldn't change their minds."
"I'm going to miss you," Taehyung whispers, looking away. He feels Jungkook's fingers touch his, and he intertwines their fingers together. "You'll be so far away..."
"I'm going to miss you too," Jungkook replies, and Taehyung wants so badly to kiss him, before it's too late. He doesn't want to end up like Namjoon, who never got his chance with Jin.
But he doesn't kiss him. He doesn't because he's afraid, because there's a small part of him that feels like Jungkook doesn't feel the same way he does.
He lets go of Jungkook's hand reluctantly, smiling a little, not noticing the look of slight disappointment on the younger boy's face. "Well," he utters after a moment, shifting from one foot to the other, "I guess I should get going."
"I'll see you before I leave, hopefully." Jungkook smiles softly, and Taehyung nods a little, turning to leave. "Bye."
"Bye," Taehyung says quietly, and he quickly leaves, trying to get home to his sister.
Jungkook sighs out, looking over at Yoongi, who's sleeping on the sofa, and Jimin, who's curled up against him. He smiles a little, but then he frowns again. They both look horrible.
He wheels himself away, into the other room to chat with Namjoon for a bit. Hoseok stares at the wall, looking tired and bored.
Yoongi wakes up after a little while, and it takes him a moment to realize Jimin is asleep on him. He gently shakes him awake, and Jimin looks around a bit, rubbing his eyes.
"Yoongi?" He murmurs sleepily, and Yoongi can't help but to smile.
"Hey, Jiminie," he says, sliding forward a bit, getting ready to stand up. "Sleep well?"
Jimin shrugs. "You?"
Yoongi also shrugs, standing up and heading towards the kitchen. "I'm going to make something to eat, you hungry?"
"No," Jimin replies a little too quickly, and Yoongi looks at him.
"When was the last time you ate?" Yoongi asks, knowing it probably hadn't been in a while. He notices then, how much skinnier Jimin has gotten, and he frowns.
"Not long ago," Jimin replies, shrugging again, but Yoongi knows he's lying.
The older steps closer to the younger. "Tell me the truth," he says, and Jimin can't even look at him. "Please, Jiminie, look at me and tell me the truth. I can't let you go back to the way you were before. I care too much to let you do that to yourself."
Jimin bites his lip, staring at the floor. Seeing Yoongi like this is a bit strange for him, Yoongi is usually so stoic and doesn't really ever show this side of himself. "I've noticed you've been very tired lately," Yoongi then adds, sitting beside Jimin again. "I bet you've been fainting again too. Please tell me."
"Three days ago," Jimin whispers, still not looking at Yoongi. "The last time I ate was something small three days ago."
"You need to eat," Yoongi tells him softly, grabbing his small hand. "I need you to eat, for me, even if it's just a little for now. I want to see you healthy, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, too. I'm sure the others feel the same. We love you, and your life is so precious to us, you know?"
Jimin looks at him then, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "I know, I'm sorry," he whispers after a while, nodding. "I'll eat, but just a little. You know how I feel about myself, so... just a little. And you can't tell anyone that I'm... you know..."
Yoongi smiles slightly, a little sadly, helping him up. "I know, but you know I think you're wrong. I'll show you one day."
Jimin doesn't say anything, and Yoongi's hand rests on Jimin's waist as he guides him into the kitchen. Jimin attempts to climb onto the counter, and Yoongi lifts him, helping him up. He's surprised at how light the younger boy is, and it makes him feel more upset. He smiles slightly though anyway as Jimin gets comfortable on the counter, watching as Yoongi goes over to the fridge to get what he needs out.
He successfully makes some kimchi fried rice without burning down the house, giving Jimin a small portion. He watches Jimin eat slowly, and when he's done there's only a little left on the plate.
Yoongi frowns but thanks him anyway for eating, going into the dining room to see if the other three in there want any. Jimin slides off of the counter, about to enter the dining room but stops in the entryway. Yoongi is smiling at Hoseok, trying to cheer him up it seems, but what stops Jimin is the way Yoongi is looking at Hoseok - like he's the most precious thing on the planet, like he might just feel something for him.
Jimin feels a twinge of hurt mixed with slight jealousy; Yoongi never looks at him like that, and Jimin likes Yoongi a bit more than he really should- more than a friend. He's tried dropping hints before, but Yoongi either never notices or doesn't care. Jimin's even flat out told him that he loved him, but Yoongi always takes it the wrong way.
Yoongi just makes Jimin feel good, makes him feel happy, but seeing the one he loves looking at someone else the way Jimin's sure he looks at Yoongi hurts. It adds to all the other hurt he feels, makes it feel worse.
Hoseok won't look at Yoongi, so Yoongi gently forces him to, touching his chin and pushing his head up a little, and when Hoseok sees Yoongi's gummy smile, he can't help but to smile too.
Jimin finally decides to walk past them, his heart hurting the more he watches. The last thing he hears before he goes into his room is Hoseok's, "Okay, fine, I'll eat your damn rice, but it better be good," and then the laugher of the others that follows.
Curling up on the mattress, Jimin pulls a thin blanket over his exposed legs, curling up into a ball to sleep. If he sleeps, he won't be awake to think or to be sad. He won't be able to feel hurt over the fact that Yoongi doesn't have the same kind of feelings for him.
Hoseok takes his last bite of rice, smiling as he sets the bowl down. "Good," he mumbles after he has swallowed. Yoongi thanks him and takes the bowl to the sink, putting water in it so it will be easier to clean later.
When he reenters the dining room, Namjoon and Jungkook are gone. Yoongi raises questioning eyebrows, and Hoseok quickly provides an explanation. "Namjoon and Jungkook went for a walk," he tells him, watching as Yoongi sits in the chair beside his, "Or I guess it wouldn't be a walk for Jungkook but a roll? I don't know, it's kind of confusing. In any case, Kookie wanted some fresh air and I think he wanted to talk to Namjoon about something."
Yoongi smiles a little and then looks around. "Hey, where'd Jimin disappear off to?" He questions, and Hoseok shrugs. Yoongi frowns then. "I had to force him to eat something - he hadn't eaten in three days - but he only ate a small amount. You can't confront him about this- you can't let him know I told you. He asked me not to say anything to anyone but I just thought I should tell someone."
Hoseok's expression is a sad one. "He's doing it again?" At that, Yoongi nods, and Hoseok frowns, sighing out. "I hate that he feels the way he does about himself. It breaks my heart to see him like that."
"Mine too," Yoongi murmurs. "I hate seeing him cry too, or seeing him sad. It makes me feel bad even if I had nothing to do with it, and I can only imagine how terrible I'd feel if it was my fault."
"I agree, I feel the same."
"Well, how are you feeling?" Yoongi then asks, and Hoseok shrugs again.
"I've been better, but I've also been worse," he says and Yoongi nods again in understanding. "Sorry I haven't been in a great mood lately, I mean, just last week I was telling myself that I was nothing and then tried to kill myself, so... I hope you understand."
Yoongi flinches slightly at the mention of Hoseok's attempted suicide, and Hoseok gives him a sad look. "I understand," Yoongi finally mutters, and Hoseok only sighs. "I know it was kind of a stupid question but I thought I should ask anyway."
"It's okay," Hoseok tells him, and Yoongi reaches over and grabs his hand, giving it a squeeze.
"I'm just worried about you, Hobi," the older boy says softly, and the younger nods. He knows. "We're all worried about you. We want you to be okay, because we all care. You know that, don't you?"
Hoseok bites his lip, staring at his and Yoongi's hands, and he squeezes Yoongi's hand back tightly. He swallows the lump in his throat as he meet Yoongi's eyes.
He's not sure when it happens or who even initiates it but they're kissing. Yoongi's lips are soft and pressed against his, they feel nice. He can feel them moving against his own and so he kisses back.
He can't help it. Yoongi's lips make him feel like he's flying.
"Whoa," Namjoon utters from the doorway as Jungkook coughs loudly, and Yoongi and Hoseok jump away from each other, red-faced. Jungkook looks slightly intrigued while Namjoon looks embarrassed.
"I didn't know you two..." Jungkook begins, trailing off, Hoseok shakes his head, face still bright pink and hot.
"I- I..." He's at a loss for words, and he glances at Yoongi, who's just as speechless. "We were just..."
"Kissing? I know, Hobi."
"No, he means-" Yoongi tries to explain, wanting to just go hide under a rock somewhere far away. "It was an accident. I'm not even sure who started it."
"I don't even really have feelings for him like that anyway," Hoseok quickly says, missing the flash of hurt and disappointment in Yoongi's eyes. Hoseok then glances at the older boy before adding, "No offence. I just... don't really feel that way."
"It would've been fine if you did," Namjoon tells him, wheeling Jungkook in the rest of the way and closing the door. "We'd all accept you." Jungkook nods, but Hoseok seems to be thinking about something now.
"I think I do like someone though," Hoseok says after a moment of silence, biting his lip again as if he's nervous. "I don't want to say who though. It's not that I don't trust any of you, I'm just not ready to say it out loud."
Jungkook and Namjoon both nod in understanding, but Yoongi's spacing out. It hurts that Hoseok doesn't return his feelings, but he should have known better anyway.
He gets up from the table, his face still slightly red. "Ah, I'm going to go check on Jimin," he murmurs softly, walking out of the dining room. When he's sure he's out of sight he stops for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip as his thoughts race and his heart aches.
He just hurts.
He then climbs the stairs and opens up the door to their room, and sure enough, Jimin is asleep on the mattress. Yoongi thinks he looks almost like an angel when he's sleeping- so serene, so relaxed.
He steps inside and walks over to the bed, sitting down on the edge beside the younger boy. He gently brushes the hair on Jimin's forehead to the side, wonders what he's dreaming about.
Jimin is a heavy sleeper so Yoongi uses the opportunity to check his arms for cuts and to check on the old scars. He carefully slides up the sleeves of Jimin's baggy sweater, turning his arms over to see his wrists.
He feels a pang when he sees some new scratches. He'd hoped that Jimin would stay clean but he guesses that Jin's death made him start back up again. That hurts too, because he cares about Jimin and doesn't like to see him hurting.
He knows there's probably more on his thighs and or hips, and part of him wants to check but he doesn't want to invade his privacy, at least, not anymore than he already has. Besides, he doesn't think Jimin would sleep through that, even while wearing shorts.
Before he pulls the sleeves back down, he grabs a marker and brings the tip to a part of Jimin's forearm that has no cuts, writing a message there.
'Please stay strong.'
He hopes Jimin sees it and he hopes it stops him from hurting himself. Yoongi puts the cap back on the marker before bringing his lips to the worst cut on Jimin's arm, and then he pulls the sleeves back down.
They couldn't save Jin. They almost lost Jungkook and Hoseok too. Yoongi just hopes that he can at least save Jimin before he falls.
When Taehyung gets home, his father immediately starts on him.
"Well, would you look at what the cat dragged in." His father is watching something on TV, and Taehyung rolls his eyes. "Where the hell have you been? You up and disappeared like two weeks ago or something, I can't remember- I thought you were dead in an alley or something somewhere. Guess I was wrong."
"Like you'd care if I was anyway," Taehyung snaps, slamming the door behind him as he heads towards the hallway where his sister's room is. "But sorry to disappoint. Anyway, I didn't come back for you. Honestly, I couldn't care less about you. I actually thought that when I came back you'd be dead - I hoped for it, even - but I guess I was wrong. How disappointing."
He smirks - it's fun ticking his father off - and his father sends him this look, setting his drink down and standing up. Taehyung sighs and rolls his eyes again, heading towards his sister Taeyeon's room, but she comes out first.
"Hi Tae-Tae," she says softly, but her eyes widen at the way their father is looking at her older brother.
Taehyung mouths, "Just ignore him," and she nods slightly, trying to think of something to say when she notices their father seemed to have stopped paying attention to them.
"How is Jungkook?" She asks, and Taehyung smiles slightly at the mention of his crush. "Did you ever tell him how, you know, how you feel? And wasn't he hit by that car?"
"I didn't, no," he admits, and she nods, "And he was. He's in a wheelchair and will be for a while, but he's okay I think. He's going to stay with his parents for a couple of weeks, so I'll miss him. I almost kissed him earlier, but I chickened out." His sister 'aww's at that and Taehyung smiles sheepishly.
"Disgusting," his father mumbles, and Taehyung quickly turns around to look at him, clearly offended.
"What was that?"
His father glares over at him. "He deserved it. He deserves to die if he's gay, really, and a disgusting thing like you deserves the same fate. You're both going to hell."
Taehyung steps closer to his father, who, he notices, has sat back down. He can feel his sister grabbing his arm. "Are you calling me a sinner?" He questions, and his father snorts and rolls his eyes. "If I'm a sinner because I love someone, you must be the equivalent to Satan. How dare you say that he and I deserve to die if we're gay when all you do is nothing but drink and hurt your children and treat us like we're nothing? Compared to me and Jungkook, you're the real disgusting one, and if I'm going to hell then you are too, so I guess I'll see you there."
"Don't compare me to scum like you," his father spits, getting back up, and Taehyung shoots him a look like he's unimpressed and unafraid.
"Or what?" He taunts, ignoring his protesting sister. "You gonna hit me? Well, guess what? I don't give a damn. Go ahead and hit me, asshole. It'll be the last time you do. I promise."
That sets his father off, and before Taehyung even knows what hit him, he's on the floor, his father on top of him, receiving punch after punch after punch. It hurts, but he doesn't cry. He attempts to get his father off of him and his sister tries to help, but she gets shoved to the floor.
Taehyung gives up fighting against him and takes the hits, but he had promised that it would be the last time. The last time his father hits him, but also the last time he gives up like this too.
When his father stops, he gets up and looks down at his son. "You're pathetic," he spits, turning away. Taehyung gets up as quick as he can, spinning his father back around to punch him square in the jaw. It stuns him, and Taehyung is able to land another punch, and then another, which sends his father falling to the floor. Taehyung's sister scrambles away from him, her back pressing against the wall by the front door.
"No, you are pathetic," Taehyung corrects, spitting blood on him.
"Get out," his father growls, glaring daggers up at his son. "Get the hell out and never come back."
"Gladly," Taehyung smirks, turning toward his sister. He goes over to her, holding out his hand and she takes it. His knuckles are already bruised and swollen, she notices, but he doesn't seem to care. "Come on."
He takes her back to the hallway. "Taehyungie," she starts but he only points into her bedroom.
"Go in there and pack some clothes and your most important things," he orders, leaning his forehead against hers after a moment. "I'm going to get you out of here."
She nods, pulling away to do as she was told. Taehyung smiles at her for a second before going back to his own room. He packs some more clothes - most of them are at the other house (he'd been sneaking them over little by little) - and his most important things.
A picture of his mother, who had left him and his sister a few years back due to cancer, one of him, his sister and his parents before his mom died and his dad went psycho, one of his childhood dog that now lies beneath the tree behind the apartment building, and lastly, one of him, Jungkook, Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi and Jimin the day before Jin died. The memory hurts now, but it's one he never wants to forget.
He packs the locket Jungkook gave to him for his birthday last year, the camera Jin gave him then, the CD Yoongi gave him, the friendship bracelet Jimin gave him, the nice sneakers Namjoon gave him, and the first season of One Piece on DVD that Hoseok gave him, as well as all the birthday cards from them.
He grabs whatever else he really can since there's still a lot of room and stuffs it all into his backpack. He grabs all of the money he saved and counts it. There's thankfully enough for a train ticket at least, and he pulls out the money he needs for that.
He leaves his room then, checking on his sister, who's almost ready to go. "Hey," he says, stepping into the room, and she looks up at him.
He helps her up off of the floor and she zips up her backpack, and then the two are leaving. "Good riddance," Taehyung mumbles as they open the door, slamming it behind them. They walk down the stairs and when they're outside, he turns to her, holding out the money.
"What's this for?" She asks, taking it gingerly.
"A train ticket," he says, and she looks at him perplexedly. "You're going to go stay with our auntie."
"But..." She begins, looking from the money to Taehyung, "What about you?"
"I can't leave the boys, you know," he murmurs, and she nods in understanding. "I can't leave them now, after all they've been through. And I definitely can't leave Jungkook. I'll stay with them and I'll be okay. I promise."
"I'm going to miss you," she whispers, and he nods, kissing the top of her head.
"I'm going to miss you, too," he utters quietly, and then it's silent for a bit as they walk towards the station. "We'll talk on the phone, and visit each other when we can. Tell Auntie what happened, okay?" She nods once again. "You'll be okay now. He can't hurt you or me anymore. We are okay now. Things are going to be okay."
He hugs her goodbye before she gets on the train, and when she leaves with it, so does he, but she's going to their aunt's house and he's going to the boys.
He's still bloodied and bruised up when he gets there, and it's almost too cold for him outside. He knocks on the door even though he knows he should just go straight in, and Namjoon answers, looking surprised and a bit scared as he takes in Taehyung's appearance.
"Are you okay?!" Namjoon asks quite loudly, dragging Taehyung and his stuff inside. "What happened?"
"My father and I got into a fight and he kicked me out, and I took my sister and our stuff, and we left. She's on a train now to my auntie's house and I had nowhere else to go but here."
The other boys (minus Jimin) come rushing in at the sound of Namjoon's voice, Hoseok wheeling in Jungkook. "What's going on?" The youngest boy asks before his eyes land on Taehyung. His eyes widen as he wheels himself over to him. "Taehyungie, what happened?!"
Taehyung explains the situation once again as Namjoon cleans up his cuts. "I want to kill him for even touching you at all," Jungkook mutters angrily, and Taehyung's lips quirk up slightly, slightly amused.
"I handled it though," he assures him, and whatever Namjoon is using to clean his cuts stings and so he winces.
"Does it hurt too much?" Hoseok asks, and Taehyung shakes his head. "I'm glad you're finally out of there. I don't think I could stand around and watch you 'handle it' any longer. I don't like seeing you all beaten up like this."
Yoongi looks over and sees the worry in Hoseok's eyes. Jungkook looks angry and Namjoon is finally calming down, but Yoongi is only focused on the way Hoseok is looking at Taehyung.
Taehyung decides to change the subject. "Where's Jimin?" He wonders aloud. "I want one of his nice hugs."
"He's asleep," Yoongi tells him, and Taehyung whines, pouting.
"He's always asleep though," he points out, sounding like a child. "It's not fair. I barely see him anymore unless he's sleeping in the living room. Why is he so tired all the damn time anyway?"
Yoongi shares a knowing look with Hoseok, but he decides not to say anything about Jimin not eating again. "I'm not sure, but I think he's fine."
"I miss him," Taehyung utters sadly. Jungkook looks at the floor- he feels the same. Namjoon finishes cleaning up Taehyung's cuts and steps back.
"There you go," he says, smiling a little. "This will hopefully be the last time I do this."
Jungkook looks over at Yoongi. "By the way, I need you to take me to your apartment so I can pack some stuff. My parents will be here tomorrow morning to get me."
Yoongi nods. "Alright. I think I might just pack up my stuff too. Might as well - I'm never there anyways. I'm always here."
Taehyung insists he goes as well, and so does Hoseok. Namjoon says he'll stay with Jimin, and so when the other four leave, Namjoon goes upstairs to check on him. He opens the door and finds Jimin still asleep, and he turns to head to his own room when he passes Jin's.
He can't help but to walk in. It feels weird being in here after all the time that's passed and everything that's happened. Everything is still the same as it was when Jin was here, all untouched and just the way Jin left it.
Namjoon carefully sits down on the bed, looking around. He was never in this room much even before Jin killed himself, and one of the only real memorable times he was in this room, he was occupied.
He remembers the exact moment he fell in love with Jin.
Jin never really drank that often, but for some reason that Namjoon has still not figured out yet to his day, he did that night, and boy did he drink a lot. Most of the others did too. Namjoon had only a few though, deciding on his own that if Jin couldn't be the sober one that night then he would be.
Well, mostly. He definitely did not allow himself to get drunk though. The others drank enough for him anyway. He was okay with that.
Jungkook and Taehyung acted sillier than usual, Yoongi talked more and smiled a lot and laughed at everything even if it wasn't funny, Jimin got really giggly and Hoseok got really flirty. Jin wasn't much different than he usually was, but he was swaying a lot and Namjoon had to keep him from accidentally falling into the little bonfire.
A lot of things happened that night.
That was the night, Namjoon remembers, that they all promised they'd stop each other from hurting and being sad. The night Jin swore he'd stop stressing out so much and start sleeping more, the night Hoseok dumped his pills in the fire, the night Jimin had two plates of food at dinner, the night Yoongi opened up and talked about his feelings, the night Taehyung didn't go home even though his father expected him to, and the night Jungkook officially came out as gay.
That was the night Namjoon fell in love with Jin.
Somehow they had made it home. Namjoon obviously drove but he honestly still can't remember when they'd left the beach and when they made it home that night. Jungkook, Taehyung and Hoseok all fell asleep together on one end of the couch while on the other, Jimin sat in Yoongi's lap, telling lame jokes but Yoongi had been too drunk to care and laughed at them all anyway.
Namjoon and Jin sat on the loveseat on the other side of the room, talking quietly and drinking a little more, but Namjoon was still mostly sober. Jin wasn't wasted, but he definitely had too much to drink.
"I want to show you something," he whispered in Namjoon's ear, and the younger of the two shivered. Namjoon remembers getting up and following Jin into his bedroom, and Jin had pulled out some Polaroids from his nightstand drawer, going through them until he found the one he was looking for.
It was a photo of Namjoon asleep. He looked so nice in the photo and he wondered when Jin took it.
"This is my favorite picture of you," Jin had told him, smiling a little, "You look so beautiful here, so tranquil." Jin smiled a little more, looking up at Namjoon momentarily. "Not that you don't look beautiful now, standing in front of me."
Namjoon flushed a little at the compliment and thanked him. He smiled sheepishly, embarrassed, and Jin giggled, his adorable laugh filling the room.
It was then, Namjoon recalls, when he looked into Jin's eyes. It was like the planets had all aligned, and the stars exploded and the whole world had just stopped, time standing still.
That was the exact moment when he realized that he had fallen in love.
While Namjoon stood there like some kind of idiot, Jin gave him a look, almost like he was trying to undress him with his eyes. Namjoon thinks that Jin probably didn't realize then or ever, but in that moment, Namjoon sure did.
He doesn't quite remember how it happened, but they kissed. They kissed and Jin pushed Namjoon back until he was sitting down on the edge of Jin's bed, the older boy in his lap. They kissed almost as if their lives had depended on it.
Jin playfully bit Namjoon's lower lip, their gazes locking again. Namjoon could taste the alcohol on Jin's tongue, and he himself was more intoxicating than the alcohol that he drank had been. Namjoon wanted him so much in that moment, but suddenly Jin was pulling away from him.
"Tired," he mumbled, smiling a little. Namjoon nodded and Jin lay down, patting the space next to him. Namjoon moved and lay down as well, cuddled up next to Jin, who pressed a drunken kiss to his cheek. "Night."
"Night," Namjoon whispered, and Jin reached over to turn off the lamp.
The next morning, Jin was already awake when Namjoon woke up. "Listen," the older began, looking embarrassed and tense, "I know I did some stuff last night that I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry. Please just forget that it ever happened, okay?"
Namjoon was hurt, but he put on a fake smile and nodded anyway. "Yeah, if that's what you want," he uttered, and Jin smiled small, "But to be honest, I don't even remember what really happened. I can't tell what I dreamt from what was real."
It was a lie, but it seemed to make Jin relax a little, even if he looked a bit disappointed. Namjoon pretended not to notice and continued to smile.
And just like that, Namjoon was in love but he had to keep it hidden. From then on, he only watched Jin from behind, because then was not the time. He never found the time, and Jin was gone before he could.
And falling in love had been so sudden, and Namjoon never wanted to forget, never could anyway. Kissing and falling in love with Jin made that night the best one of his life.
And the day Namjoon lost him was the worst.
He wonders now if forgetting is really what Jin had wanted back then, remembering how disappointed Jin was when Namjoon lied and said what he said. He wonders if Jin ever felt the same way he did, but now he'll never know.
Maybe if Namjoon would have just told him how he felt, things would be different. Maybe Namjoon would've made Jin happy, and maybe Jin wouldn't have committed suicide and maybe the boys would be better than they are now.
"Things would be so much better if Jin were here," he finds himself mumbling aloud, and he knows the it's the truth.
He reaches into the nightstand drawer, pulling out the Polaroids, and he smiles at the one of him that Jin loved. There are more, mostly of the other boys, but he finds one that Taehyung took of them together.
He hasn't seen Jin's face in a long time - he missed it and he only just realized how much. He misses Jin more than he could ever explain in words.
He leaves the room - he can't stand to be in here a minute longer. Not now. Not with all the memories that have just resurfaced.
He goes back downstairs and sits down on the loveseat that they still have, in the same place he did that night and he just stares at the wall and thinks. He thinks for a long time, and realizes that he's probably going to have to go to work even though he wants to spend time with Jungkook.
He gets up and dressed, writing a note for Jimin just in case.
If you wake up and are reading this before the boys get back, I went to work and they went to pack up whatever's left in Yoongi's apartment to bring here. If you're hungry, there's instant ramen in the cabinet (sorry, I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow).
He smiles and leaves it on the nightstand beside the bed Jimin is sleeping on. He leaves then, heading off to work.
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!! ♡
Jimin wakes up around the time the sun is setting. He wanders downstairs only to find no one around, and he's confused until he finds Namjoon's note. He frowns.
They could have woke him up and he could have gone to help, but they didn't and now he's here alone, not doing anything to help anyone.
He feels useless, worthless. Namjoon is off working so Jimin and the others have somewhere to live, and Yoongi helps Namjoon out with money too, even though he was living on his own with Jungkook and he didn't he to.
Hoseok keeps the house clean and does whatever else he's asked to help out. Jungkook can't do much now, but when he can he helps cook, and Yoongi and Namjoon usually are the ones mainly cooking. Taehyung washes dishes and takes out the trash or helps Hoseok when he's around. Jimin does laundry twice a week, but he still feels like he's not doing enough. Not compared to the others.
And now, when he should be helping Yoongi pack and move, he's not doing anything.
He sits down on the couch, biting his lower lip as he thinks. He feels like he shouldn't be here, and his dark thoughts come back.
It would be so easy to kill himself now, while no one is around to stop him.
He scratches at his arms as he gets the urge to cut (but he doesn't want to right now, and tries to refrain from getting up to do so), and then one of the cuts starts to hurt. He lifts his sleeve to check it (sure enough, he reopened it and it's bleeding again) and that's when he finds the message written in black marker on his arm.
'Please stay strong.'
He blinks, not quite sure what to think of it. He isn't sure of who wrote it (he guesses Yoongi - he's the only one who knows he's cut before, but it could have been anyone of them who got curious or somehow saw and then wrote this, which means he's going to be worrying about who else possibly knows) and so he just ignores it. He wipes the blood off of his arm and pulls the sleeve of his sweater back down.
He tries to think about something to stop himself from hurting himself or killing himself, but nothing works. Before he'd think of Yoongi, but now when he thinks of Yoongi he remembers the way Yoongi looked at Hoseok and his heart begins to hurt.
Before he can do anything to himself though, he hears the door open and then Yoongi is walking into the living room and Jimin looks over at him like he just got caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing.
Yoongi takes one look at Jimin, takes notice of the state he's in - he looks confused and dazed, and defeated and perhaps lost, and almost like he's made up his mind about something.
Overall, he looks out of it, and somehow, Yoongi can almost kind of guess what he's thinking about when he sees the look in Jimin's eyes, and his expression turns into one of worry as he rushes over to Jimin's side.
He gently touches his shoulder when he sits down. "Hey, Jiminie, what's wrong?" He questions, and Jimin seems to snap out of it when he hears Yoongi's voice, and he puts up a fake smile.
"Huh? Nothing's wrong. I must've spaced out or something, sorry. But anyway, you're back? Already?"
Yoongi relaxes a little but still looks worried. "We're not done yet," he states, biting his lip a little. "We have to go back in a minute. Do you want to come too? I saw Namjoon's note so I know he's at work and you've been here by yourself."
He kind of doesn't want to leave Jimin alone. The look in Jimin's eyes scares him, and he's afraid Jimin might do something to hurt himself if Yoongi leaves him.
"I'm okay, I'll stay here," Jimin says, and he's smiling but it doesn't reach his eyes.
"Are you sure?" Yoongi asks, hoping Jimin will change his mind, and Jimin nods. "I was just... I don't know. I'm sorry. Are you okay though, Jiminie?"
"I'm fine," Jimin tells him, pushing Yoongi a little playfully, but Yoongi is still worried, no matter what Jimin says. "I was just thinking about stuff. I'm okay."
"Like what?" Yoongi pries a little, wishing Jimin would tell him what's wrong.
Jimin shrugs. "Just stuff."
Jimin purses his lips slightly. "I have a random question to ask you though."
"Okay," Yoongi murmurs, looking at him. "Go ahead and ask."
Jimin sighs softly, deciding to just ask. If he asks, he'll get an answer and he'll know for sure. "Do you have feelings for Hoseok?"
Yoongi looks surprised and a bit embarrassed. "Why?" He dodges answering. "Do you have feelings for him or something? Or is it that you have feelings for me?"
"No," Jimin lies, and he hopes it's convincing. "I was just curious. I just kind of... saw the way you were looking at him, and I just wondered. So, do you?"
He doesn't want to know the answer. His heart is pounding in his chest as he waits for it.
Yoongi bites his lip again. "I do," he admits.
Jimin's heart shatters.
"Is it really that obvious?" Yoongi asks, face turning red, and Jimin doesn't answer.
"I kissed him," Yoongi then admits, and Jimin's heart shatters just a little bit more. "He kissed me back, but I guess it doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to like me back. Said so himself, really."
"I'm sorry," Jimin murmurs, and Yoongi only shrugs. "I know how you feel."
"You like someone?"
"I did," Jimin replies, not really lying but not quite telling the truth. He does now, and he's sitting right here in front of him talking about his unrequited love for someone else. "They didn't feel the same for me."
Jimin shakes his head, shrugging again, heart broken and mind made up. Yoongi likes Hoseok - he confirmed it himself, and knowing for sure makes those bad thoughts of Jimin's come back.
"Tell him how you feel," Jimin whispers, hoping to encourage Yoongi so maybe it won't be as bad later. "Ask him on one date and see how things go. Maybe he'll realize how great you are and fall for you."
That's not really what Jimin wants. He wants Yoongi to fall for him. He wants Yoongi to just love him, to hold him and kiss him, to save him before it's too late but he knows it just can't happen.
Most of all though, he wants Yoongi's happiness. He loves Yoongi more than anything, more than he hates himself, which is a lot, and cares way more about him and his happiness than he ever did himself.
"I don't know," Yoongi says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe I will. Not today, but maybe someday."
"Well, I hope things work out and you get what you want," Jimin utters, fake smile still in place. "I care about you, but you know."
"I know," Yoongi whispers, smiling, as he pulls Jimin into a hug. Jimin holds him tight, wishing that this could just be enough.
Yoongi pulls away after a moment, standing up. "Well, anyways, I got to go get the rest of mine and Jungkook's things, which isn't much. I'll be back in about fifteen minutes or so. See you later."
"Bye," Jimin says softly, watching Yoongi walk away. (Jimin's heart aches; he loves too much and gets himself hurt because of it.)
Fifteen minutes isn't enough time to do it today. He'll wait for now.
The lily petals have wilted further, one close to falling off. The window is locked up tight, and so is the door, which now is covered is scratches as he had attempted several times to get out. He's wide awake now, he believes, and wants nothing more than to just go back to his dreams. The realization that he's no longer with them makes him cry. He needs them and they need him and he can't be there for him.
He destroyed everything.
He stares through the glass of the window. The world is white outside, and he's drawn to the light there. It's like a warmth, but the window is blocking him from being able to head towards it. He regrets everything he did, everything he didn't do.
He thinks that maybe he'll never be able to open the window, maybe he'll never fly. Too bad that that's all he really wants.
Jungkook watches Jimin sleep. Thanks to Yoongi, he was able to get upstairs to hug Jimin goodbye but he doesn't want to wake him up.
Jungkook notices how bad Jimin looks- so unhealthy, sickly skinny and pale. He wants to hold him tight, kiss him softly on the lips and tell him that it'll get better. He wants to be able to tell Jimin how beautiful he is, to be able to whisper nothing but loving things into his ear and make him feel special. He wants to see him smile and laugh again. He wants to tell Jimin how perfect he is. He wants to tell Jimin how much he loves him.
He wants Jimin, wants him to be his.
But most of all, he just wants Jimin's love. And he knows he'll never get the kind of love he wants from him.
He understands that Jimin is not really happy right now and won't want Jungkook the way he wants him. Jungkook understands that Jimin probably doesn't love him back, and he's okay with it. He sees the way Jimin looks at Yoongi, the way Jimin clings to Yoongi. It hurts a little, but he understands.
Jimin is not his, was never his, so getting jealous would be stupid of him.
He loves Jimin enough to let him go.
Jungkook hopes Yoongi won't break his heart, hopes he hasn't already. He hopes Yoongi will make Jimin happy one day, hopes Yoongi will tell him how perfect he is, hopes he will cherish him, care for him, be gentle with him and make him feel loved. He hopes Yoongi will do everything he wants to do for and with Jimin in this moment.
And Jungkook thinks that maybe, just maybe, he likes Taehyung too. He thinks that maybe Taehyung likes him back as well. And that's okay. It's great, even. One and a half less hearts broken.
He wheels himself over to the older boy, kissing his forehead gently. "See you later, Jimin," he whispers, smiling a little. He then wheels himself away, out of the room and calls for Yoongi at the top of the stairs.
Yoongi comes up with Taehyung, who picks the youngest boy up while Yoongi grabs the wheelchair. Taehyung carries him downstairs and Yoongi puts the wheelchair down so Taehyung can put Jungkook back in it.
"Kookie, you hungry?" Yoongi asks, and Jungkook shrugs. "I made food."
"I am, but my parents made us plans for dinner so... thank you anyway."
"Oh, well, see you soon."
Yoongi walks into the kitchen to get what he made after that, and Taehyung hears something so he goes over to the door to check. Jungkook's parents are out there, and Taehyung sighs a little sadly.
"They're here," he says, and walks back over to Jungkook.
He then leans down to hug Jungkook for a moment before pulling away. Since Jungkook's parents are waiting outside for him, they have to be quick. Jungkook looks up at him and Taehyung's heart flutters.
"Make sure to rest and eat well while you're gone," Taehyung utters softly, hand on Jungkook's shoulder. Taehyung wets his lips, watching as Jungkook's own lips turn up into a cute smile that Taehyung wants to kiss. Jungkook's eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he looks down at his hands in his lap.
"I will, Tae-Tae," he murmurs, looking back up at the older boy. "You take care of yourself, okay? I'll be back in two weeks. Make sure you keep cleaning up your cuts and stuff, and make sure everyone is okay while I'm gone." Taehyung nods.
"I'll miss you," Jungkook adds quickly, and it's Taehyung's turn to smile.
"I love you," Taehyung utters, meaning it more romantically than he hopes Jungkook knows- he's not ready for Jungkook to know yet. His face feels warm now, and Jungkook won't stop smiling at him.
"I love you, too," the younger replies, and Taehyung bites his lip before wheeling Jungkook outside- he already said his goodbyes to the others. He opens the car door, lifts Jungkook out of the wheelchair and places him in the backseat of the car. He closes the door, folds up the wheelchair, moves to the other side and puts it in the backseat beside Jungkook.
"Bye, Kookie," Taehyung whispers, and Jungkook smiles again. Taehyung closes the door and watches as they drive away.
He stands there for a bit after, and it's Hoseok that comes outside to bring him in. "Come on, Taehyungie," he says, taking his hand and dragging him inside. "It's cooler in here. And there's food."
"I already miss him," Taehyung pouts, and Hoseok nods.
"I do, too," he says, and that's about the time when Yoongi walks over to them.
"I've made dinner," he says, gesturing to a plate of sandwiches and two bags of chips that he places on the table. He looks at Hoseok before he finishes. "I offered Jungkook some before he left, but he said his parents already had dinner plans, so, yeah, there's some extra."
Hoseok smiles, and Yoongi blushes slightly, turning so no one notices. "I'm going to go get Namjoon," he then mutters, and Taehyung nods, sitting down at the table. Yoongi leaves to go upstairs and Hoseok heads towards the living room.
"You're not eating?" Taehyung asks with a frown, and Hoseok bites his lip.
"I am, I'm just going to find Jimin and tell him that he should come eat," he explains, and Taehyung nods again, seeming distracted.
Hoseok goes upstairs and passes by Yoongi and Namjoon on his way to his, Yoongi's and Jimin's room. Hoseok and Yoongi share a knowing look as Hoseok touches the doorknob, one that Namjoon doesn't seem to notice.
Yoongi's eyes don't leave Hoseok when he opens the door, even as he and Namjoon start going downstairs. He's forced to when Hoseok steps inside the room, however.
Hoseok closes the door, looking at Jimin, who's asleep again. The older boy sighs softly, walking over to the younger to shake him awake.
"Chim Chim," Hoseok murmurs, touching Jimin's shoulder. "Hey, Jiminie, wake up. Kookie is gone and there's dinner on the table. Come eat."
Jimin snuggles more into the pillow, curling up into a ball. Hoseok tries again, shaking him more. Jimin finally stirs, blinking tiredly up at his friend. "What...?"
"Dinner is ready."
Jimin frowns, laying his head back down. "Not hungry," he mumbles, but Hoseok is rolling his eyes and trying to drag him out of bed. "Hobi... stop... I'm tired..."
"Yoongi made dinner and you're coming to eat now," Hoseok says sternly, grabbing his forearm. Jimin hisses, yanking his arm away, bringing it close to his chest. The cuts hurt, but Hoseok doesn't even know they're there. "What's wrong?"
Jimin's eyes are open but he won't look at the older boy. It's hard to look at him now at all- all he thinks of is the hurt he's feeling inside when he sees him, and he thinks of Yoongi and his heart aches. "I'm fine," he mutters, "And I'm not hungry, I said."
And Hoseok sighs again.
"Please- it'll hurt mine and Yoongi's feelings if you don't come and eat," he tells him, and it's Jimin's turn to sigh. He gets out of bed, still holding his forearm close to his chest, and starts heading towards the door.
"Fine. Let's go, I guess."
"Thank you," Hoseok smiles a little, but he frowns again when he notices that Jimin keeps holding his arm. "Did I hurt your arm? I'm sorry. Let me take a look at it-"
He reaches for Jimin's arm, but Jimin stops him. "I'm fine," he assures the older boy, quickly leaving the room. Hoseok sighs once again, following Jimin down the stairs.
Will update again on Sunday or monday!!
Chapter 7: House of Cards
So I said a wasn't gonna update till Monday but here I am.
When they're all seated at the table, Taehyung excitedly opens the bags of chips, and both Namjoon and Hoseok can't help but to laugh. They all eat quickly and then Hoseok and Taehyung clean up.
Jimin feels like throwing up after eating only half of a sandwich. He quickly gets up, going to the bathroom just in case. Yoongi follows a moment later, knocking on the door before opening it.
He steps inside and Jimin is sitting on the floor by the toilet, looking up at him. "Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it?" Yoongi teases, but Jimin doesn't smile, doesn't say anything. Yoongi is back to worrying. "Are you okay?"
Yoongi hasn't told anyone about the way Jimin had been all day yesterday. He hasn't said a thing about the look in Jimin's eyes, but he did tell Hoseok about Jimin not eating again. Yoongi's still worried though, afraid Jimin will do something stupid like Jin did.
He can't lose Jimin too. He's already lost Jin and almost lost Jungkook and then Hoseok.
Yoongi walks over the younger boy when he doesn't respond and crouches down beside him. "You're fine the way you are," he says, brushing Jimin's hair to the side, smiling a little. "You look so good when you've eaten and you're healthy. Like a sexy mochi. Very nice."
Jimin doesn't believe him. He wants to cry just hearing it because he wants to believe it, but he can't. He wants to believe Yoongi thinks he looks good, wants to believe Yoongi thinks he's sexy.
He just can't. Jimin believes that Yoongi only says these things to make Jimin feel better but it's not going to work. Jimin knows Yoongi likes Hoseok, not him.
Yoongi frowns when he still gets no response and stands up, holding his hand out for the younger boy, wanting to help him up.
But Jimin doesn't take it. He can't. Not right now.
Yoongi bites his lip and turns, retracting his hand before walking away. "I'll leave you alone for a little bit," he murmurs, opening the door and stepping out. He walks back into the dining room, unaware of the billions of thoughts running through Jimin's head right now.
Yoongi sighs out as he sits down in the chair diagonally across from Namjoon, and the younger looks at him.
"What's wrong?" Namjoon asks, and Yoongi looks at him, contemplating on whether or not to tell him even though Jimin asked for him not to tell anyone. He already told Hoseok though, so really, it doesn't matter if he tells anyone else now.
He takes a deep breath when he decides. "Jimin is doing it again," he confesses, and Namjoon looks slightly confused before it dawns on him and he sighs as well. "He asked me not to say anything to anyone but I told Hoseok yesterday."
"I'm not sure what to do about it," Namjoon admits, frowning. "But to be completely honest, I'm not sure of what to do about anything anymore. I was so lost on what I was supposed to do when Hoseok... did what he did, and when Jungkook got hit too, and even when..." Namjoon trails off for a moment; it's still hard to say his name. "Even when he... left us... I'm just a little lost right now. Yoongi... what should I do?"
Yoongi's taken aback. "Joon, I don't know, I'm sorry," he says, reaching for Namjoon's hand, giving it a squeeze. "I'm lost too. I don't want to lose anyone else as much as you don't but I don't know what to do about it either."
Namjoon nods. "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed. It feels like we're living in a house of cards that's about to fall apart. It makes me feel hopeless, like there's nothing left to be able to do."
"Don't be sorry, and I completely understand."
Namjoon lets go of Yoongi's hand, standing up. "Anyways, should I go talk to Jimin?" He asks, changing the subject. Yoongi quickly shakes his head, getting up as well.
"No, you can't let him know I told you. You can talk to Taehyung about it though, if you want. He deserves to know too. So does Jungkook, but he's not going to be back for like, two weeks."
Namjoon nods again, and he and Yoongi both walk into the kitchen. Taehyung is doing the dishes and Hoseok is just chatting with him, and they both look over when they notice the other two boys.
"Taehyung," Namjoon begins, and Taehyung shuts off the water, drying his hands. "Can I talk to you alone?"
"Okay," Taehyung says, following the older boy out of the kitchen. Hoseok looks at Yoongi then, a bit confused.
"He's telling Taehyung about Jimin," the older boy explains, and Hoseok nods, frowning a bit. "I actually wanted to ask you something though, Hobi."
Hoseok seems surprised. "Oh, okay," he utters, leaning against the counter, smiling a little after.
Yoongi feels his face heating up, and he swallows. "Would you-" he starts, and he frowns because this isn't like him at all. Min Yoongi doesn't ever get flustered. Hoseok watches him, waiting. "Would you consider maybe... I don't know, going on a date or something? Like with me?"
He meets Hoseok's eyes now, and Hoseok bites his lip before looking away for a moment. When he looks back at Yoongi, he looks a bit nervous and embarrassed.
"I, well... why?"
"Why?" Yoongi repeats, blinking once. Hoseok nods, and Yoongi looks at the younger boy as if he grew a second head or something. "Because well, I don't know... I guess I just really like you and I'd like to date you."
"But why?" Hoseok asks again, and Yoongi looks a bit taken aback still. "Why me?"
"What do you mean, why you? You're amazing, Hobi. Your smile lights up an entire room and when I'm with you, I feel... different somehow. I feel happier. You're beautiful, and you're just so nice, and I love being around you."
Hoseok looks down at the floor. "That's so nice of you to say, Yoongi," Hoseok murmurs, and Yoongi waits for him to say something else. "But... I'm sorry." And Yoongi's heart breaks.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't... love you like that, as I said yesterday. I love you, but not in that way. I'm sorry, it's just... I love someone else."
"You don't- you don't have feelings for me..."
"I'm really sorry, Yoongi," Hoseok whispers. "If I didn't have someone else that I liked right now, I'd date you in a heartbeat. Quite honestly, kissing you was really nice too, but I just... I can't see us together. Besides, I don't think we're right for each other anyway. I think we'd just be best off as friends."
It's all Yoongi can say.
"I think- I think maybe you should ask someone who's better for you. Like Jungkook- he's fun, cute and a little crazy when he wants to be. He's a bit like me. He's got that smile that makes him look like a bunny, which is pretty cute. I think he looks up to you as well. Maybe you could love him. He could also make you happy."
"But he's too young, too childish for me sometimes and just... Kookie is not the one for me. Sure, he has a cute face but I couldn't date him. I think he likes Jimin or something anyways. Not me."
Hoseok swallows, biting his lip again, and Yoongi doesn't notice how nervous he seems. "What about Namjoon then? He's got cute dimples, he's close to you in age and he knows when he's supposed to be serious but he can also be playful too. I know that he'd take good care of you and love you a lot."
Yoongi frowns, shaking his head. "He's... he's still in love with... with him. He has been since before he died. You could see it, with the way he looked at him, the way he treated him. And besides, he's not really my type. He's a great guy, but..."
Hoseok sighs a little.
"Then what about Jimin? He's beautiful, kind, not too young and he has the brightest smile of us all, as well as a cute laugh. And he adores you- ever notice how when he gets nervous or scared, he clings to you, or how he hugs you a lot or like to be close to you in general? He said once that you make him feel safe and comfortable. He could make you happy too, at least, a lot happier than I've made you. You'd be great together, and I mean that. Don't even deny it because you know it's true. Jimin is amazing and perfect for you. You like him, right?"
"I... I don't know..." Yoongi says quietly, shifting from one foot to the other. "Yeah, he's got a cute laugh and a pretty smile and we're close, and yeah, he makes me happy and makes me smile. Yeah, he's beautiful and shit and I like him, but I don't know right now, because like... he's not you, Hobi. Neither Jimin nor Jungkook nor Namjoon are you."
Hoseok is quiet for a moment. "I understand," he murmurs, and he won't look at Yoongi at all. He doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes. "But I just can't be with you. I love you, so much, just not the way you want me to. You deserve someone better, you need someone who loves you and puts you first, someone who looks at you like you're everything to them. And I'm sorry, Yoongi, but it just isn't me. It can't be me. I'm too selfish."
"You're not selfish-"
"I got back on my pills to stop myself from hurting when all of you were hurting too. I tried to kill myself. I didn't even think about you, or how you would feel, or the others and their feelings. I just thought about needing to get away. I knew that all I wanted was to walk away from this life without anything stopping me. Even you guys. And I ended up regretting my decision later. But I'm still a selfish person, Yoongi. Regret doesn't change what I tried to do, what I did do. What I did I knew was wrong, and yet I still did it because that's what I wanted. What I wanted, what I felt I needed, not what you guys wanted."
Yoongi goes silent for a little while. "I understand," he finally says, eyes on the floor. "I'm being selfish too by trying to get you to go out with me without considering your feelings. I'm sorry too, and I hope we can get past this. I hope this doesn't change anything between us."
"Of course it doesn't," Hoseok utters softly, walking over to pull Yoongi into a hug. "And don't be sorry. I'm actually really flattered that someone likes me, and that you think I'm beautiful. You mean it?"
Yoongi wraps his arms tightly around Hoseok. "I mean it," he assures him.
Although it hurts that Hoseok said no, to Yoongi, it feels good to have gotten some of his feelings out and off of his chest. He feels a bit better.
That night, when he curls up in bed beside Jimin, he finds himself holding onto the younger boy tightly, and Jimin doesn't stop him.
Chapter 8: Butterfly
Yeet!! Here's the update!!
A week passes, and Taehyung misses Jungkook more than ever. He's a bit sad, because every time he calls the younger boy, he doesn't pick up. Taehyung doesn't know why. And he hasn't heard from him once since he left. It hurts, but he guesses Jungkook needs space or something. Taehyung doesn't want to seem too obsessive or anything, so after trying to reach him once or twice every other day for about four days, he stops calling.
He thinks that maybe the feeling he had gotten was the wrong one.
In the late afternoon after trying one last time to call Jungkook, Taehyung heads out for a bit to get some air. He puts up his hood and walks around for a bit, knocks a can down and looks out through a chain link fence at the scenery.
He stops somewhere to get something to drink, but as soon as he steps inside he sees his father at the register, buying what looks like a few packs of ramen, which is funny, Taehyung briefly thinks because the man never bought much but booze before.
Taehyung freezes when they make eye contact, which has Taehyung's heart racing, but instead of running away like he probably would have before, he boldly goes over to the cooler to get a soda before going up to the register, standing behind his father.
After his father moves and Taehyung starts to pay for his drink, he notices he father stopping and looking at him.
"Taehyung," he says in a soft voice, but Taehyung doesn't look at him. "Son."
"What do you want from me?!" Taehyung snaps, ready to get out of there as soon as possible. "And don't call me that. I stopped being your son the day I left."
His father sighs a little, looking like he's trying hard to not get upset. "How are you?" He asks, shifting awkwardly. "How's your sister?"
"Better now that she isn't living with you, if you must know," Taehyung huffs, rolling his eyes. "And before you ask, she isn't staying with me. She's somewhere else, somewhere safe."
His father looks down at the ground. "And you? How are you, Taehyung?"
Taehyung finishes paying and moves from the counter. "Fine. Still mildly depressed. Still gay. What else is new?"
"Look, I know that after your mother died I... I became a monster and took out my pain on you two. I know we ended things on a bad note, and I'm very sorry. I'm willing to try to make things right if you are. I'll help you out with money or whatever you need as much as I can. I want to see you more, talk with you more. I want us to be good again."
"Why?" Taehyung whispers, his eyes filling with tears. He's feeling confused. It's like his father is the same as he used to be a long time ago. "Why do you suddenly care now? What happened? Not even two weeks ago you were beating me up for being gay and defending Jungkook. You kicked me out. Why are you doing this now?"
"I remembered something," his father says, pulling something out of his pocket, which is a photo of Taehyung's mother and Taehyung as a baby. "I found this when I was going through some things. I remembered your mother, and how much you two are alike. I realized that by losing you and Taeyeon, I'm also losing your mother all over again- all I have left of her. I'm losing everything."
Taehyung takes the picture and looks at it for a few moments.
"I'm sorry, Taehyung. I'll fix things, I swear. I'll change. I've actually stopped drinking even though it's been hard. I've been looking for you. So just... give me a chance. Please."
"I- I need time to think about it... I'm sorry. You can't just expect me to immediately forgive you for the past several years. It's going to take time."
He tries to give the picture back, but his father stops him.
"Hold onto it. And I know that. It's okay. Just, uh, please call me when or if you're ready to talk to me. I'm sorry, Taehyung. I love you."
"Okay," Taehyung replies softly, walking past his father and out of the store. And he doesn't look back.
He's not ready right now. He's not sure when or if he will be. And he knows maybe he should feel better but he really doesn't.
He heads to the beach to stop thinking about it. It's painful being here anymore, and sometimes he wonders if maybe Jin's body is out there somewhere in the ocean. The sun is beginning to set, and Taehyung sighs out a little. He looks over to this tall, odd looking, half built structure of some kind that's blocking some parts of the sun. He heads over to it, biting his lip.
He sets down his stuff before he climbs up it, all the way to the top. When he gets there, he stands there for a moment. He sees the bluish-green ocean, he sees the orange and pink sky. He sees the world. And it's beautiful.
Looks out at the bridge that seems so much farther from this part of the beach, and he wonders if they've finished repairing it or not.
He looks back out at the water, wondering why Jin would do it. That's something none of them have figured out. They thought he was happy. They thought things would be okay.
They apparently thought wrong.
Taehyung briefly wonders what it would be like to die.
And without much thought, he runs and jumps off of the structure, arms out like the wings of a butterfly, and falls into the water below.
The water is kind of cold today. He starts to struggle- his body goes into panic mode and he tries to get to the surface so desperately. It almost seems impossible, but eventually he does break through the surface, and he coughs and inhales as much air as he can, trying to catch his breath.
He swims over to the shore so he can get out, and he quickly gets his stuff and begins the trek home in soaking wet clothes.
Hoseok notices that he's soaked when he gets in and questions him, but Taehyung makes up something. Hoseok doesn't seem to believe it but he doesn't say anything.
Later that night, Taehyung's sitting on his bed, talking to Hoseok about Jungkook. Hoseok doesn't seem to know why Jungkook won't answer either and even tries calling him himself, but still no response. Taehyung thinks about calling Jungkook's parents, but he doesn't want to seem intrusive or anything so he decides against it.
They change the subject after a little while. "So," Hoseok begins, and Taehyung yawns a little, "Yoongi asked me out last week." He hadn't told anyone about it, but now he brings it up.
Taehyung's eyebrows raise. "Yoongi?" He questions. "Really?" Hoseok nods, and Taehyung proceeds to ask, "And so what did you say?"
"I turned him down," the older boy says, and Taehyung seems a bit more surprised. "I mean, he was so nice about the way he asked, and I was flattered, but I just don't love him like that. Even though we kissed, I just don't feel anything for him in that way. And, thankfully, Yoongi was really understanding."
"Wait, you guys kissed?" Taehyung's eyebrows have disappeared into his hair, and Hoseok imagines them flying off of his forehead and into space, which makes his lips quirk up in amusement. "When?"
"The day before he asked me out," Hoseok tells him, shrugging a bit. "I don't even know how it happened. It just... did. And then he's confessing that he likes me. We were discussing people who would be better for him, but he didn't seem to like the idea of dating someone else, I guess; Yoongi said that Namjoon isn't his type and couldn't have feelings for him. He said Jungkook is too young and a bit too childish for him and probably likes Jimin. And then he said that he could like Jimin and maybe want to be with him, but that he doesn't know right now or something because he likes me and none of them can be me."
Taehyung's expression changes, his heart broken after hearing that Jungkook probably likes Jimin. Hoseok doesn't seem to realize since he doesn't know of Taehyung's feelings.
Hoseok sighs. "I hated to break his heart, hated to turn him down," he murmurs, and Taehyung nods a little absentmindedly.
"Why did you then?" The younger boy asks, and Hoseok frowns a little.
"I like someone else." He doesn't look at Taehyung when he says it. "I just couldn't be with Yoongi because I'd feel like I'm betraying myself, if that makes sense."
Taehyung nods. "It does," he says, and then he has to ask, "Who? Who do you like?"
Hoseok bites his lip hard enough to draw blood. "I don't think I should say," he answers, but Taehyung is shaking his head.
"Come on, Hobi, tell me," he whines, pouting a little. "Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you," Hoseok whispers, staring at the floor, wanting to be swallowed up in it so he doesn't have to keep having this conversation. "I just..."
"I won't tell anyone," Taehyung promises him, and Hoseok finally looks at him. "I swear. If that's what you're worried about, I promise I won't tell anyone. It'll stay between us."
Hoseok gets up off of Jungkook's bed, coming to sit in front of Taehyung. "You won't be upset, will you?" He asks, his voice small. Taehyung quickly shakes his head, and Hoseok takes a deep breath, nodding. "Okay."
Taehyung waits for him to say something, to tell him, but Hoseok doesn't speak yet. Taehyung thinks about Jungkook's feelings for Jimin as he watches Hoseok, thoughts swirling around his head. He had really thought that Jungkook liked him, but he guesses he was wrong. His mood shifts a little again, and he's feeling a bit sad. Maybe that's why Jungkook won't answer his calls. Maybe Jungkook doesn't care that much about him.
Hoseok has his eyes closed like he's thinking about something, and it seems like an eternity before he nods again and opens his eyes, sighing softly.
"Okay," he says again, and Taehyung just stares at him, finally snapping out of his thoughts. He blinks, and just as he does he feels Hoseok's lips on his.
He's surprised- Hoseok has caught him off guard. Part of him wants to push Hoseok away, but he doesn't. He finds himself kissing him back- this is the kind of thing he'd wanted with Jungkook, but...
Hoseok seems a bit surprised but he doesn't let up, reaching up and grabbing tightly onto Taehyung's shoulders before sliding his hands up to cup Taehyung's jaw, biting on his lower lip a little as he pulls him a bit closer. The younger boy gasps slightly, and Hoseok takes his chance and deepens their kiss.
Taehyung's hands roam his friend's back, feeling Hoseok's spine through the fabric of his shirt. Taehyung's fingers slip beneath Hoseok's shirt, and they dance across his spine, up and down, applying a little pressure and he shivers- Taehyung's fingers are cold in contrast to his own heated skin.
Hoseok finds himself unable to concentrate on kissing when Taehyung's fingers are working magic on the muscles in his back. The massage feels good, and Hoseok breaks away to rest his head on Taehyung's shoulder, making soft noises.
Taehyung frowns when he realizes how much he wants Hoseok to be Jungkook right now. His fingers stop without him realizing and Hoseok kisses him again, but he doesn't respond to it this time.
Hoseok pulls back, looking confused until he sees the expression on Taehyung's face. The younger meets the older's eyes, and Taehyung feels bad.
"I'm sorry," he says, his eyes unable to leave Hoseok's. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I... I love Jungkook."
Taehyung can almost hear Hoseok's heart breaking in two, his expression one of hurt. "Oh," Hoseok mutters, blinking a little and looking away. He looks so upset that Taehyung actually finds himself crying because of it, because that look and that pain is his fault, and he wraps his arms tightly around the older boy, sobbing into his chest. "Why are you crying, Tae-Tae?"
"I'm so sorry," he cries out, and Hoseok runs his fingers through his hair, kissing his forehead. "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's okay, Taehyungie-" Hoseok begins, but Taehyung quickly shakes his head. "No, really, it's okay. I promise. I kind of figured that you didn't like me back, and I've been trying to get over it. It's okay. I'm not upset with you. It just hurts a little- but you must know what I'm talking about." Taehyung looks up at him, and Hoseok manages to smile. "I promise it's okay, so don't cry. Thank you for letting me kiss you. I love you, no matter what."
"I love you, too," Taehyung whispers, and Hoseok wipes away his tears.
"For the record, I think Jungkook loves you too," Hoseok tells him, and Taehyung's eyes shine with hope.
"Really? You think so?"
"Yes." Hoseok smile gets wider, and he wipes away more of the younger boy's tears.
It's silent for a bit after that, and Taehyung won't let go of Hoseok.
"Hey, why don't we watch some of that One Piece DVD I bought you last year?" The older then suggests, and Taehyung nods. "Alright, you set it up and I'll go get some snacks."
Hoseok gets up and quickly heads downstairs, and Taehyung finds himself smiling as he digs the DVD out of his backpack. Hoseok returns a moment later with a bag of chips and some ice cream.
They watch the anime until they both fall asleep, and even though it hurts, Hoseok knows it'll all be okay. As long as Taehyung is in his life, he doesn't care if they're just friends.
Chapter 9: Lost
For the title of this chapter, I was torn between save me and lost, but i chose lost. Sorry this one is shorter, the way i had to break it down made it short, but I added 300 more words to it. I might update again tomorrow but if not, then Thursday.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
As the days pass by, Yoongi seems to notice Jimin more. He notices little things he does, things about him, that before he never really seemed to pay attention to. He realizes that he likes it a lot when Jimin wears sweaters, or shorts or both. He realizes he likes it a lot whenever Jimin smiles or looks at him. He likes it when Jimin touches him and holds onto him. He likes it when Jimin finishes his food. He likes it when Jimin falls asleep beside him.
He likes Jimin.
Ever since Hoseok mentioned how Jimin seems to like Yoongi and vice versa, and how perfect for each other they are, Yoongi can't stop thinking about it.
Even though Yoongi loves Hoseok, maybe, deep down, Yoongi feels like he might love Jimin too.
Yoongi sits besides Jimin on the sofa. Something's on TV but no one in the room seems to be really into it. Taehyung and Hoseok are looking at something on Hoseok's phone and Namjoon is reading a book - Jin's favorite book - with nothing else better to do with his free time. Both Yoongi's eyes and Jimin's are on the TV, but they're not really watching it.
Jimin yawns and that's when Yoongi finally looks at him. Jimin meets his eyes then, and Yoongi opens his arms slightly. Jimin leans into him, resting his head on Yoongi's chest and closing his eyes and Yoongi smiles a little, threading his fingers through the younger's blond hair.
Hoseok briefly looks up from his phone to see the two of them like that, and he smiles, giving Yoongi a thumbs up. Yoongi blushes and glares at the wall somewhere, and Hoseok looks like he wants to laugh but he doesn't, although his grin threatens to split his face in half. Namjoon, like Hoseok, briefly looks up from the book with raised eyebrows, but shrugs and goes back to reading a moment later.
Yoongi looks down at Jimin's face, at his lips, notices the way his eyelashes rest against his cheeks, notices the cracks in his lips from being chapped. Yoongi's hands rest on Jimin's back and sides, and he can feel bones he wishes he couldn't feel.
He wishes that somehow he could show Jimin how beautiful he really is, make him see.
Jungkook sighs as he stares up at the ceiling. He misses Taehyung, Jimin, and the other three boys too. He wishes that his parents wouldn't have made him come, but he understands at the same time.
He reaches over to grab the manwha he had been reading earlier, but even as he reads the words and looks at the illustrations on the pages, he isn't really paying attention to what's going on in it, his mind elsewhere.
With nothing else to do, he once again tries to read the manwha. A boy in it is having flashbacks about meeting his friends. Jungkook, once again distracted, now takes the time to stop and think for a moment, to remember meeting the boys.
He met Taehyung first, at the train station. Their backpacks had gotten mixed up and they had to fix that. Somehow Taehyung seemed to be able to tell that Jungkook was lonely, and had asked if he wanted to hang out with him and his friends.
He met Jin and Namjoon next, and then Hoseok and Yoongi who both arrived late to lunch that day. Jungkook felt uncomfortable around all of them - he'd never been around so many people at one time before then - but they were all very nice to him, and he was able to open up slightly after so long of hiding himself.
And then Jimin came into the group after a while, and Jungkook eventually found himself falling in love with him. It was rather problematic at the time, as Jungkook had been struggling with whether or not he was gay, and was pretty sure the others, including Jimin, were straight. At least, for a while he thought that.
But when he came out to the group, they all kind of shrugged it off with, "We figured", and, "We are too, welcome to the club". Jungkook was surprised, but he was happy that he was accepted like he had been hoping he would be.
After that, he kept trying to get Jimin's attention. He tried asking Jimin how he looked, he tried wearing little clothing when he would come over to spend the night that made Jimin blush when he saw him, he tried to get Jimin alone, he would hint at romantic things and make dirty jokes, give him flirtatious smiles and tell him how beautiful he thought Jimin was. He'd hold Jimin's hand longer than necessary and try to comfort Jimin when he was sad.
All he'd wanted was for Jimin to notice him as more than just a friend or a "little brother".
And Jungkook actually started to think that Jimin could like him back after a while. He thought he was getting somewhere and was going to make a move.
But then he saw it- the way Jimin started to look at Yoongi like he was everything to him, much like the way Jungkook looked at Jimin, and the way Jimin clung to Yoongi and always seemed to want to be near him, touching him, talking to him. Jungkook got scared that it would never be possible, but he never gave up. He kept trying even though it seemed as if things would not be in his favor.
But eventually, he started to fall for Taehyung too. Taehyung was always there for him when he needed him, and Taehyung listened to him and Jungkook listened right back. He stopped liking Jimin as much and focused more on Taehyung.
And then he let Jimin go.
He still loves him, but not as much anymore. He knows he can be happy without him, and really doesn't mind. There will always be that part of him that loves Jimin more than a friend, but Jungkook no longer feels the need to act on his feelings for Jimin to make him see.
If Jimin is happy, Jungkook is too. Even if that means Jimin is with Yoongi.
Jungkook wonders if he should tell Taehyung how he feels when he gets home. He wonders how things are going, what they're all doing right now. He hopes they're all okay.
He puts the book down, giving up on reading for now. He pulls his wheelchair close, managing to sit up by himself. It's tough, but he eventually gets himself into the wheelchair and leaves the room, going into the kitchen.
His mother is there cooking, so he leaves her be. He goes into the living room to watch some TV, but nothing gets his mind off of the boys. He wishes he could talk to them but he left his phone behind on accident. He doesn't want to bother them anyway.
He sighs a bit out of boredom, and can't wait to go home in a couple of days.
More days slowly go by.
Jimin is giving up. It hurts too much- thinking of Yoongi, thinking of Hoseok and the two of them together, thinking of Jin, thinking of the suicide note. He can't take it anymore, he can't.
Every time he thinks about Jin, it's like he can't breathe, he can't function properly anymore, because Jin left them and he just can't seem to accept it. And when he thinks of Jin, all he can do is wonder if any of them even knew him at all.
Even as the things around Jimin start to get a bit lighter, his thoughts only get darker. He's tried to stop all of his bad thoughts and feelings, tried to stop whatever is going to happen before it does, but he just can't do it. He can't try anymore. He's still trying, trying to remember all the good times, but remembering what they don't have anymore makes things worse, make him want nothing more than to die. It hurts, it all hurts, and he can't think of another way to stop it, another way out.
He wants it all to stop. He can't take one more minute.
He can't stop doing the things he does, thinking the things he thinks. He puts himself down, criticizes himself for everything he does, no matter how small it is. He hurts himself because he thinks he deserves it. He's been like this since before he met the boys, back when he was home with people who made fun of him or talked bad about him, people who hated him, people who hurt him and convinced him that he was nothing.
Some of those people were ones he was supposed to be able to trust- some were family.
He thought he was okay after he met the boys. They made him change the way he felt about himself, made him start to love himself, but it's like it was all lost when one of the people he counted on and trusted the most abandoned him.
It was like back home all over again.
Jimin has noticed how the boys have been trying to get him to eat more, trying to make him feel better about himself, but their compliments fall on deaf ears now. Yoongi's compliments don't mean much either, because in Jimin's eyes, it's all untrue. All of it is untrue.
His scratches and cuts fade to scars and so he makes new ones because he feels that he deserves to hurt. He puts himself down because that's what he is supposed to do. He wants to reach out for help but doesn't because he deserves to suffer. He tries to control his bad thoughts but nothing works.
There's a small part of him, the tiniest part that has hoped the boys would try just a little harder, would notice more than they have and save him. He understands that they haven't noticed because quite honestly, he hasn't let them.
He misses smiling, he misses being happy. He misses himself, the happy self that got buried when Jin left them all. The self that stopped hurting himself, the self that believed his friends when they said good things about him.
He wants to know where Jimin went. He's not Jimin anymore- he's just a shell of himself now. He has lost his way and now he can't get back on track.
Do you think save me or lost would suit this chapter more? Or maybe another song title? Let me know!
Chapter 10: I Need U
"너 없인 숨을 쉴 수 없어 난,
너 없인 아무것도 아냐 난.
Here's the update! Perhaps more tomorrow. Oh, and sorry in advance...
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jimin sits, clothed in shorts and a tank top, in a bathtub filled with freezing cold water. It's a bit late in the night. He holds Jin's note in his hand, reading it again and again until he pretty much knows every word. It's sick, he knows, but he doesn't care anymore.
'I've thought about suicide for a while now, I hate to admit. And I can try to explain to you why, and why I decided to actually go through with it, but I feel like none of you will completely understand, so maybe I'll never tell. However, one thing you all should know, is that... none of you are to blame for this. I promise. Don't think otherwise, please- it would only break my heart more.'
Jin was always a bad liar.
'Truth is, I love someone. I know how stupid it sounds to want to kill yourself over a person, but it's the truth. I love this person so much it hurts, especially since I know there was no way this person could ever love me back. This makes each day harder whenever I have to be around them, but I still put on a smile anyway. I pretend nothing is wrong.
But everything is wrong. I've hated myself for how I felt, and really, I still hate myself for it. I hate myself for being selfish, for leaving you all behind. I hate myself for letting Taehyung continue to be hurt by his own father, for not helping Hoseok sooner, for not knowing about Jimin hurting himself for so long, for not trying harder for Yoongi and Jungkook, for being so stupid when it came to Namjoon.
For being unable to control my own feelings.
Just know I love you all, and I'm sorry. I could never be sorry enough for my decision- my decision to drive off the bridge when you're all sleeping.
Again, please don't blame yourselves. Please. It's my choice.
Please take care of yourselves when I'm gone. Please try not to miss me too much. Please don't think about me. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of you.
Don't remember me how I was before this- that wasn't really me. It was someone else. Remember me as I was before, like when we met. Remember me; as vivid as I was then. Or maybe don't remember me at all. Maybe just forget about me- it's what I really deserve anyway.
Because this... this is what I want.
And I'm sorry.'
In with the note are the last photos Jin took of them, some of them all together and some without Jin. That was the last day they were truly happy.
To Jimin, it feels like an eternity has passed since then. It feels like it was forever ago that they all stood on the beach together, hugging, smiling, talking and having fun. It feels like it was forever ago that they were happy. It feels like forever ago since Jin was there, and maybe it was.
He can't seem to stop thinking about everyone- Jin, Jungkook, Hoseok, Taehyung, Namjoon, Yoongi...
He can't stop thinking that he'll never find happiness again. He can't stop thinking about Jin's death, and he's trying his hardest to let go, but the hardest part is letting go. It's always hard to let go.
Why can't he let go?
He finds that he's crying, and then it turns to full on sobs. He can't stop, and he doesn't, at least, not for a while. He's shivering and crying and he knows he just can't do it anymore. He can't take it anymore. Any of it.
Yoongi's feelings for Hoseok, the way he looks at him, the fact that they've kissed, the fact that Jimin loves Yoongi and Yoongi just doesn't notice, Jin's death, the note, his terrible thoughts about his family and life before the boys, about suicide.
He couldn't even try to pretend that everything was okay before, so it makes him wonder if anyone has even noticed at all. Part of him knows he should stop what he's doing right now, leave the bathroom and go cuddle in bed with Yoongi and tell him about his feelings in the morning.
But he can't. He just can't. Not when he can't even look at Yoongi without his heart breaking, can't speak to him without hurting even more than Jimin is now.
All Jimin can really do now is think about what never was, what never would've been; he and Yoongi together, Jin, alive and happy, the other boys all safe and sound.
But he can't pretend it's alright. He knows the truth too well to even imagine a future where things are okay. Jin is dead. Yoongi doesn't love him. The boys are wrecks and Jimin really just doesn't care about himself anymore. Maybe he never did.
He steps out of the tub, placing the note and most of the photos onto the edge of the sink. He reaches into the medicine cabinet, pulling out Hoseok's sleeping pills; surprisingly, they're still in there after Hoseok's attempt. Jimin guesses they all forgot about them.
Even after the scare Jungkook gave them, and the one Hoseok gave them too, he's still going through with this, because he's selfish and he can't do it anymore. He saw how much it hurt the others when Jin did it, when Hoseok tried to do it, and he knows the pain they felt; he felt it, too.
But it's not enough to stop him.
He knows they're going to hate him for this.
When the cabinet door closes and all he can see is his own reflection, he decides that he, too, hates himself for this- but he's always hated himself anyway. This doesn't make a difference. Nothing has changed.
Nothing will ever change.
For a moment, he really wishes things were different. He wishes Jin never died and things never turned out this way. He wishes Yoongi loved him, he wishes his family had loved him, and he wishes he could be stronger. He wishes he wasn't about to kill himself right now, he wishes he didn't have to hurt, and he wishes he could start to love himself again, like before.
He wishes he could love himself.
The bottle of pills in his hand shakes, as well as a lighter and one photograph that he's holding in his other hand. He can wish all he wants but things can't change and they sure as hell will never be perfect. He knows that. He knows it too well.
Now he walks back toward the bathtub, tears slipping down his cheeks. He's really going to do it.
Jungkook is coming home in just two days now, but Jimin can't wait for him to be able to tell him goodbye; he hugged everyone before they went to bed (or in Namjoon's case, work), smiled at them, and told them he loved them.
He had looked at Yoongi a bit too long, and found himself having second thoughts. He obviously really loves Yoongi, and he had wondered right then if Yoongi would magically love him back if he confessed his feelings then and there, and maybe be saved and become happy if he spilled all of his thoughts and plans of suicide.
Except it doesn't work like that and Jimin would just end up more heartbroken and miserable.
He wishes he could've given them all a proper goodbye, but they would've stopped him. That small, small part of him wants them to. That small part wanted someone to take his hand and save him. Maybe that's all he needs. He needs them.
But it's too late.
He already wrote a note for them as his goodbye- now all that's left is to actually do it.
He wonders what Hoseok was thinking when he did this.
He wonders what Yoongi will think when he's gone.
He wonders if he'll see Jin again.
Slipping back into the tub, he turns the freezing water back on, leaving it on even after the tub begins to overflow. He takes one last good look at the photo (it's of the six of them, standing around Jin's truck, Jin behind the camera a good distance away) before he flicks the lighter, setting it on fire.
He drops it on the wet tile floor before it reaches the tips of his fingers, and it's gone, burnt to a crisp within seconds.
He wonders if he'll fade away that fast.
He can't stop shivering in the cold water, goosebumps having spread all across his skin, and he's shaking so much and he can't stop.
He doesn't know when he opened the bottle, but he pours a lot of the contents into his palm- Hoseok doesn't need them anymore anyway. He finds himself staring at the pills, and then his eyes rake over his forearm to see the cuts and scars and the nearly completely faded message he's pretty sure Yoongi wrote, as he was the only one Jimin ever really told about his problem.
It's pretty much gone, but he can still make out the message a little.
'Please stay strong.'
He has tried.
He couldn't do it.
And that quick, the pills are in his mouth and down his throat.
He waits a while for them to take effect, closing his eyes and slipping most of his face beneath the water. He wants to drown, like Jin did, but he knows it's impossible to drown himself in the bath, and he's hoping that an overdose will help that.
It takes a little while but he starts to feel dizzy and tired, to the point that even opening his eyes is kind of like trying to lift something heavy when you're not that strong. His brain registers pain somewhere, but he's so tired and he doesn't know where it's coming from.
He finds himself slipping beneath the water again, this time unintentionally. He starts to realize that he can't breathe, but he can't do anything about it- his body feels so heavy.
He briefly opens his eyes just a little, but everything is blurred and he can't keep his eyes open anymore and they're closing, and he's trying to cough up the water he inhaled but he can't quite do anything.
His body is fighting against his mind and feelings. His body is trying to keep him alive.
That small part is becoming a bigger part, taking over, and that part doesn't want to die.
His last thoughts are of Yoongi.
'I need you.'
I love angst ig! ♡ mianhae, saranghae, yongseohae.
Chapter 11: Reflection
Here's an update! Sorry it's so angsty.
Yoongi wakes up late in the night only to realize that Jimin isn't by his side, asleep, like he should be. He climbs out of bed, stretching and looking at Hoseok, who's asleep on the other bed, before leaving the room to go downstairs to use the bathroom.
The whole house is dark, and Yoongi figures that Namjoon is probably still at work (he had to work the overnight shift, and Yoongi feels bad for him because Yoongi knows how good sleep is). He doesn't see Jimin anywhere and he's starting to worry a little.
"Mochi?" He calls out loudly, looking around in the dark. He continues onto the bathroom, and just outside the door he can hear the water running, and it sounds like it's spilling onto the floor.
Yoongi knocks before trying to open the door after receiving no answer, but he finds the door locked and he panics.
"Mochi? Jimin, it's Yoongi, open the door please? I'm worried about you."
With no answer, Yoongi gets a sinking feeling of dread. "Jimin?!" He calls loudly, trying to get in, but he can't.
Yoongi quickly runs upstairs, waking up Taehyung and Hoseok both to find out who knows how to pick a lock. The expression on Yoongi's face and his behavior has them both freaking out.
"What's going on?!" Taehyung panics, and he and Hoseok quickly follow Yoongi downstairs and to the bathroom door.
"It's Jimin, he's locked himself in there and he won't answer me," Yoongi explains, and Hoseok gets something to pick the lock. "I'm freaking the fuck out right now, the water is running and I don't know what the hell he's doing in there but he's scaring me. Hobi, please fucking hurry."
"I'm trying." Hoseok works on the lock for a few moments before the knob is turning, and the door is opening.
Yoongi barges in there before the other two can. "Oh my god," he says, and as he rushes over to Jimin to pull him out of the tub, Yoongi starts yelling. "Fucking someone call an ambulance!"
Taehyung breaks down in tears when he sees Jimin, falling to the floor in his knees as he sobs, so Hoseok quickly gets the phone and calls for an ambulance before calling Namjoon on his work phone when he doesn't answer his regular cell.
Yoongi checks for a pulse and when he finds one, he mentally screams. He quickly starts CPR to get Jimin breathing again, and before they realize it, the paramedics are there taking over, quickly loading Jimin up and Yoongi rides inside the ambulance, trying not to have an anxiety attack while Hoseok and Taehyung follow behind in Yoongi's car.
All Yoongi can do is wonder why Jimin decided to do it, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he didn't notice, and wonder why this is happening again.
The signs were all there, Yoongi realizes.
He'd just been too caught up in everything to see them.
Namjoon rushes from work to the hospital, not even caring that he might get fired. He curses when he realizes he doesn't have enough gas to make it there and stops at the gas station on the way, which, thankfully is still open at three-thirty in the morning.
He pulls up at the pump and quickly runs inside to pay. He comes back out and pumps the gas into the tank, and as he hangs the pump back up, his car starts. He looks up quickly, freaking out because he's not in it, and someone tosses some money on the ground at his feet.
"Thanks for the car," the guy shouts, laughing before he drives off in Namjoon's car, leaving him stranded.
Namjoon didn't even notice that someone had gotten inside. The guy had been waiting for him to pump the gas so he could steal his car and now it's gone.
Namjoon realizes that he has no way to get to the hospital now, no way to call anyone as he left his phone at home. He goes back inside and asks the woman if there's a payphone nearby.
She nods. "There's one behind the building," she says, and he thanks her before running outside and around the back. He steps inside the phonebooth, dialing Taehyung's number.
When Taehyung picks up, Namjoon feels relieved. "Tae," he murmurs, sighing out a bit, "Thank god you answered."
"Joonie? Is that you? Where are you?"
"In a phonebooth at the all-night gas station by where I work."
"Huh? Why? And well, we're at the hospital right now. Yoongi is inside freaking the hell out and Hobi is trying to keep him calm. The doctors are trying to help Jimin right now."
"Is he okay?" Namjoon asks, worried.
"We haven't heard anything yet," Taehyung replies, and Namjoon hears him let out a sigh. "But what's wrong? Why are you calling off of a payphone?"
"Someone stole my car," Namjoon answers, and he starts getting choked up. "I have no way to get there and I feel so useless."
"Don't feel like that- Yoongi handled things well. It's going to be okay. I know it is."
"But I can't be there for Jimin when he needs me, just like... just like I couldn't be there for Jin..."
"Joonie, Hobi is coming to get you. Please stay where you are and please don't do anything stupid."
Namjoon is crying. He feels the tears running down his cheeks, and he's sobbing down the line. "I couldn't save him. I should've noticed but I didn't. I also ignored what was happening with Jimin because I couldn't deal with this all again- another friend in the hospital, another friend dead or close to it. I thought if I ignored Jimin's health and mental state he would go back to normal. I should've known better. I should've said something. Now he's in the hospital. I should've done something. I should've fixed it. I should've noticed how depressed Jin was. I wish I could've stopped him. But I didn't. I couldn't. And I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, you can't blame yourself. We all should've noticed, we all should've done something but we were so caught up in ourselves and being happy that we never noticed. Jimin doing what he did isn't your fault either. We all knew he stopped eating and none of us really did anything about it."
I can't deal with this anymore, Taehyung. I- I can't keep watching all my friends hurt themselves or be hurt by others. I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't."
"Joonie, please, just... just wait for Hoseok, he's coming to get you. Stay where you are. Please."
"I'm sorry," Namjoon whispers, getting ready to hang up. "I'm so sorry."
Namjoon does hang the phone up then, sliding down the wall of the booth as he cries. He has finally broken. He can't do this anymore. It's so hard to keep standing by and watch as all his friends get hurt, and he can't do anything about it.
He just needs Jin. They all need Jin.
Namjoon briefly looks up and sees his reflection in the glass. He reaches out and touches the glass that's covered in writing, traces some words with his fingers.
'When you look in the mirror, what do you see?'
The words mean nothing to him at all.
It's about twenty minutes that go by before Hoseok arrives. Namjoon hears the car, hears Hoseok step out of it. "Joon?" The older boy calls out from in front of the store somewhere. "Where are you?"
Hoseok eventually comes around to the back of the store, sighing out in relief when he sees Namjoon in the booth still, staring at his reflection like he's trying to calm himself down. He walks over and Namjoon looks up at him. Hoseok holds out a hand, which Namjoon takes.
"Come on, Joonie," Hoseok murmurs, wiping the younger's tears away. They start to walk towards the car then. "You know, you don't have to be strong for all of us. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad every now and then. It's not good to hold all your feelings in and bottle them up."
Namjoon stares down at his feet as Hoseok leads him to the car, their hands linked together. "I'm sorry," he whispers again, and Hoseok shakes his head, kissing Namjoon's cheek which still has tears on it.
"Don't be sorry," Hoseok says, letting go of Namjoon's hand to get into the car. "Just try not to do it anymore. If you need to talk, come to me. I'm always willing to listen, okay?"
Namjoon gives a nod and gets into the passenger seat, buckling up. Hoseok does as well and they're off to the hospital.
Chapter 12: Never Mind
Wowee, sorry I was a day late.
They're sitting there for a long time. Yoongi feels like dying, and nothing is calming him down. Taehyung keeps fidgeting beside him before he finally turns to whisper to him.
"Yoongs, I found some stuff on the counter before we left to come here," he says quietly, and Yoongi looks over at him. Taehyung pulls some photos and some pieces of folded up paper out of his pocket, holding them out to Yoongi who takes them with a perplexed expression. "I think you should take a look at all of this."
Yoongi looks away from Taehyung and down at the things now in his hands. He looks through the photos first, and his heart aches when he realizes what day these were taken on. It's so weird seeing Jin's face after all this time. Yoongi wants to cry for once.
"Jimin had these?" Yoongi asks, looking at Taehyung again, and Taehyung shrugs.
"I think so. But um, you should look at the papers."
Yoongi unfolds the first one, and he sees the date at the top first before anything else. The date is the same day as Jin's death. Then his eyes land on the words below. And his heart sinks.
'I've thought about suicide for a while now, I hate to admit. And I can try to explain to you why, and why I decided to actually go through with it, but I feel like none of you will completely understand, so maybe I'll never tell.'
Yoongi bites his lip. "Is this...?" He questions, trailing off, his voice soft.
Taehyung nods. "It's... it's Jin's."
Yoongi sucks in a breath and keeps reading until there's nothing else to read. "Why would Jimin keep this from us?" He wonders aloud after. Taehyung sighs a little before answering.
"I think he just didn't want us to hurt worse if we found it and read it, so he kept it hidden. You should... probably... read the other one too."
Yoongi swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking the tears in his eyes away. He then refolded Jin's note and set it aside with the photos before unfolding the other piece of paper.
'I'm sorry that this is goodbye,' it starts, and Yoongi doesn't want to read this. Not at all. 'I can't do this anymore. I've tried and tried to stay strong but my bad thoughts always seem to take over. I've been thinking about doing this since before Jin died but I always was able to talk myself out of it. After Jin died it got worse, and I can't talk myself out of doing it anymore.
So here's my reason.
I'm miserable. I've told so many lies. I'm hiding things from everyone, like the cuts on my arms, the awful things I tell myself and do to myself every single day, my own feelings of love for someone who couldn't return them- I'm caught in a lie. All I want is to smile again but I can't wait any longer.
I'm tired and sick constantly from not eating because I want to be what I'm not and will never be- beautiful. I never believed any of your compliments and in fact, they made things harder. I never listened to any of you because I just can't keep trying when it never works. I've talked about my past and family before so you should have some idea why I am the way I am about my weight, my looks and my feelings, why I put myself down the way I do and why I criticize everything about myself.
But it was much worse than I ever told you guys. So much worse.
I was told all my life that I deserved the awful things said to and about me, I deserved to hurt. I believed them. I never stopped believing them. Even now, I still can't stop believing it. I'm afraid of it happening again, even though I know better- I know you guys would never intentionally hurt me, and you all always try to protect me. And since leaving home I did get a little better, but everything went to hell again.
I would've ended up killing myself around the time I met all of you if I would've stayed there at home any longer. I couldn't wait to get away and I did but life was still so hard. I kept remembering the terrible things. And then you all gave me new, better memories. I was able to trust again.
But Jin, someone I trusted wholly, hurt me, and that's when I started to become like this again. And even more when Hoseok tried to leave us too.
I'm sorry that I'm selfishly leaving you all too, like Jin did. I wish I didn't have to but I honestly can't see life getting better. I can't imagine being happy again, and I don't want to feel this bad forever. I'm so sorry. I love you all and I'm so sorry that I'm going to hurt you. I am undeserving of all your love.
I'm sorry to Jin, who, if he was still here, would be so disappointed in me. I'm sorry, Namjoon, that I have to make you go through all of this again. I know you're trying to make things better and I've just ruined it. I'm sorry, Jungkook, that I couldn't even give you a silent goodbye, that I couldn't see that you had feelings for me for a long time and I kept breaking your heart. That I ignored those feelings when I did realize how you felt and that I couldn't return them. I'm sorry, Taehyung, for not being the best friend to you I was supposed to be. That I promised to be. I'm sorry that I broke that promise, and probably many others. I'm sorry, Hoseok, for doing the same thing I was upset with you for doing, for avoiding you recently because it hurts to see you, for not trying harder.
Lastly, I'm sorry, Yoongi, that I couldn't stay strong for you, that I couldn't stop hurting myself even when I promised you I would, that I couldn't believe you when you said nice things to me, that I lied to you so much about being okay, about my feelings. I'm sorry that I've been cold towards you because of the way you looked at Hoseok like he created the universe and that you never looked at me that way. I wanted to be the only one you saw that way, I selfishly wanted to be your entire world, but I couldn't be, and I'm sorry that Hoseok cannot be yours either if doesn't feel the same for you, because you deserve so much. You deserve happiness, something I wish I could've given you. But most of all I'm sorry I never told you that I'm in love with you. I was afraid to, but if you're reading this, now you know.
There's a million stars in the sky. Who cares if one little light goes out and disappears forever?
Nobody. No one will notice, because one dim star is insignificant if there are so many other, brighter and beautiful stars, that outshine the dim ones.
I'm just that one dim star in a sky of bright ones. That one star that will fall and disappear.
This is my last goodbye.
Yoongi feels like he can't breathe after finishing the note, and when he looks up, he sees Namjoon and Hoseok walking into the waiting room. They don't know, Jungkook doesn't know, and Yoongi can't stop the tears from falling.
He really, really hopes that Jimin makes it, because if he doesn't, Yoongi might actually try to follow him. He knows it's stupid to think things like that but he can't let it end here, with so many things unsaid, with so many things that still need to be done. He never realized that he had been hurting Jimin too and it's killing him. He needs to fix things, make them right. Jimin can't die on him.
Hoseok quickly goes over and hugs Yoongi while Taehyung hugs Namjoon, and Yoongi sobs into Hoseok's chest.
"Yoongi, are you okay?" The younger boy asks, and Yoongi grips onto Hoseok's sweater tightly with one hand, Jimin's note in his other hand.
Hoseok lets Yoongi hold onto him, and suddenly he feels something being pushed into his hand. He pulls back to see the folded papers and photographs there, and Taehyung looks at the two boys holding each other.
"Hobi, you and Namjoon should read those notes Yoongi handed to you," he says, and Hoseok looks from Taehyung to the notes, nodding. Hoseok walks over to Namjoon and they both walk back outside.
Taehyung sits down beside Yoongi again. "I think in a little bit, we should head back home. The doctor already told us that Jimin won't be waking up soon even if he's okay, so maybe we should just go home and get some rest."
"I'm not leaving," Yoongi whispers, staring at his shoes. "I won't leave until I see Jimin, until I know for sure he's okay and until he wakes up so I can talk to him."
"Yoongi..." Taehyung protests, signing a little. "Look, we all care about him-"
"But he's in love with me and I didn't even know," Yoongi interrupts, tears spilling from his eyes again. "I've been breaking his heart left and right with everything I did, and I play a big part in why he did this. I need to be here for him. I need him to see that I do love him and I do care about him more than I have let on. I need to be here until he can wake up and see that."
"If that's what you want, I guess," Taehyung murmurs, frowning. "In a few hours I'm going to call Jungkook's parents, since Jungkook hasn't been answering his phone, and tell them to tell Jungkook what happened." Yoongi nods at this, and Taehyung yawns. "I'm tired."
"I am too," Yoongi admits, and Taehyung decides to watch the TV in the corner of the waiting room until Hoseok and Namjoon come back inside.
They do come back inside about twenty minutes later, and it's obvious they've been crying. They share a knowing look with the other two boys before sitting down.
"That was... rough," Namjoon says softly, and Hoseok nods in agreement. Taehyung bites his lip before going back to watching TV for a little bit.
"Are you okay?" Hoseok asks Yoongi, and the older shrugs. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault, you know."
"I know I was a big part of the reason why. Some of it is my fault."
"Some of it's mine too, and Jimin's family's, and... Jin's... You can't blame yourself for it all. Just like when I did what I did. That was my own fault, no one else's."
"Hobi, please..." Yoongi utters softly, and Hoseok lets out a sigh. "Look, I think you guys should head home and get some sleep. I'll wait here for Jimin."
"But-" Namjoon begins, but Yoongi stops him.
"I'd just like to be alone. I just need..."
"You need what?" Taehyung asks, but Yoongi shakes his head.
"No, what do you need to say? You can say it."
"I said never mind. Just... never mind."
"Look Yoongi," Namjoon sighs, "You can come back later by yourself if you want, but for now please come back with us. We just... we need to be together right now. I know you understand."
Yoongi's silent for a moment but he nods, and they all stand and leave the building, getting into the car and driving back home.
Chapter 13: Dead Leaves
Happy birthday, Yoongi!! Here's an update!
Yoongi has gone from being sad to angry now, and when they get back to their house, he, for once, can't sleep because of all of this going on right now. He's angry at himself, at Jimin, at everyone and everything, and he's not really sure why.
He goes into his room, grabbing a box from the closet that came from his apartment full of things originally from his studio- old sheet music, song lyrics, etcetera. It's about six in the morning now, and the others are napping on the couch together while Yoongi is tired but wide awake at the same time.
Yoongi carries the box downstairs, and his loud footsteps startle Hoseok. "Yoongi, what the hell?" He mumbles, squinting as he looks at Yoongi. "What are you doing?"
Yoongi ignores him, taking the box outside. Hoseok gets up the best he can without waking the others and follows after Yoongi.
Yoongi grabs the gas can full of gasoline they had for emergencies and dumps some on the box. Hoseok sees him pull out his lighter and he rushes over to grab Yoongi's arm.
"What the hell are you doing?" He questions, and Yoongi pulls his arm away. "Yoongi-"
That quick, Yoongi's setting the box on fire, and Hoseok is reaching over to take the lighter from him.
Yoongi feels empty inside. He wants to watch all his hard work, all his memories burn away. He wants to feel something.
Since the box is somewhat open, Yoongi sees a page with a song he'd written for Jimin after they'd met. It wasn't anything special, it was just supposed to make him happy. Yoongi watches the as the paper burns up.
'If our hands touch, even if it’s all at once, it only seems like it’s going to be crumbs.'
The dead leaves crunch beneath his feet.
Maybe the song wasn't about Jimin when Yoongi had written it. Yoongi never loved him then, but he does now.
Hoseok brings him back to reality.
"What is the matter with you?! Why did you do that?!"
Yoongi shoots him a glare, but looking at him still hurts, so it's halfhearted. Hoseok is looking at him like he's insane and Yoongi knows he must seem that way.
"I'm upset and I felt like it," Yoongi mutters. It's a bad excuse but it's the truth- he only did it because he's upset. Hoseok now seems confused and he shakes his head.
"You need to calm down," he snaps, and Yoongi knits his eyebrows together. He doesn't ever remember hearing Hoseok snap at anyone, and not even has it happened to him before. "We're all upset right now - hell, Jungkook doesn't even know yet - but it could be way worse. Jimin could be dead right now, but he's not- at least, not yet. I don't want to give him any reasons to try again if he even makes it and comes home, so you need to chill out and go to sleep and and just stop."
"I'm sorry," Yoongi whispers, and Hoseok huffs and goes over to turn on the garden hose and then puts out the fire. Yoongi sighs softly, and after Hoseok turns off the hose he leads the older boy inside.
"What was in that box anyway?" Hoseok asks after a moment, turning on the coffee maker.
"Doesn't matter," the older boy replies and Hoseok only sighs.
"Get some rest, Yoongi. You need to. I know you haven't been sleeping well lately, so go lie down."
"I can't, Hobi. My thoughts are everywhere and I just can't stop thinking about stupid things. Jimin, those notes and pictures. I don't want to lose Jimin too. He took more of the pills than you did and had water in his lungs and I just don't know how to handle this. You have to understand."
"Just try for me, please. I'll let you know immediately if the doctor calls or anything, and we won't leave this house without you, okay?" Hoseok puts a hand on Yoongi's shoulder. "Sleep, Yoongs."
Yoongi gives a nod and leaves the kitchen, going upstairs to lie down. He feels like he might have an anxiety attack for the first time in a long time as he thinks about Jimin dying too, but he doesn't. He stares at the ceiling for a bit, and then the wall before he finally falls asleep.
Taehyung wakes up around ten. He quickly grabs his phone, walks outside and dials Jungkook's parents' number, hoping someone will pick up. Someone does, and Taehyung learns quickly that it's Jungkook's mom.
"Hello?" Comes her voice down the line, and Taehyung bites his lip.
"Hi, it's Kim Taehyung," he says, hoping Jungkook will want to talk to him. "Is Jungkook able to talk? It's important."
"Hold on," she utters, and Taehyung does.
It's quiet down the line until, in a sleepy voice, Taehyung hears Jungkook say, "Hello?"
Taehyung has missed his voice.
"Kookie? It's Taehyung. I didn't want to bother you or anything but since you wouldn't answer your phone I had to call your parents, and um, there's something seriously important I need to tell you."
"I'm sorry, Tae-Tae, I left my phone there with you," he says, and Taehyung exhales a sigh of relief. So Jungkook wasn't ignoring him after all. "What do you need to tell me? Is everything okay?"
Taehyung feels tears well up in his eyes. "You need to come home right away," he whispers, and he's sure Jungkook and hear him crying now.
Jungkook sounds more alert when he asks, "Why? What happened?"
Taehyung wipes at his eyes furiously. "It's Jimin, he-" Taehyung manages to get out, "He tried to kill himself. He's in the hospital now and we're waiting to hear if and when he'll wake up."
"Shit," Jungkook curses, and Taehyung can hear shuffling before he heard Jungkook call for his dad. "When the hell did this happen?!"
"In the middle of the night," the older boy says softly, biting his lip. "I had to wait to call you, I'm sorry. There's something else too."
"We found Jin's suicide note." And then they're both silent for a little bit. "Jimin had it this whole time... I think he was trying to keep us from hurting. We all read it at the hospital and Yoongi seems like it's bothering him a lot because part of the reason why Jimin did it was because of Yoongi. Because he loves him. It was mostly because of his past and Jin and all of the things going on lately, and some things we didn't really know about."
"That's..." Jungkook seems to have nothing to say, and Taehyung understands- it's a lot to take in at once. "I'm coming back. I'm going to tell my parents what happened and we'll be there in about two hours."
"Okay," Taehyung says, his voice quiet. "I miss you."
"I miss you too, Taehyungie."
"Let's- let's talk when you get here. There's something I need to talk to you about."
The call ends and Taehyung goes back inside to find Namjoon and Yoongi now awake as well, drinking coffee while Hoseok talks with them at the table.
They all stop to look at Taehyung and he feels the need to say something. "I called Jungkook," he murmurs, taking a seat beside Hoseok. "He's going to ask his parents to bring him back right away and that means he'll be here in a couple of hours."
Namjoon nods. "What should we do until then?" He asks, and the others only shrug in response.
"Maybe go to the hospital for a bit?" Hoseok suggests, sharing a look with Yoongi. "We could ask the doctor about what's going on with Jimin and maybe get lunch while we wait for Jungkook, and maybe go get something nice for Jimin for when he wakes up."
"We don't have to do that," Yoongi says, and Hoseok seems a bit confused. "I mean, we never got anything special for you or Jungkook while you both were in the hospital. I don't know if Jimin would want to be treated differently. Besides... what if he isn't going to be okay...? What if he... doesn't wake up...?"
There's a moment of uncomfortable silence before Hoseok laughs a little. Yoongi looks up at him then.
"Are you crazy? Of course he's going to wake up, of course he's going to be okay. We're here to make sure of that."
"Yeah, it'll be fine, and we can get something for Hobi and Jungkook while we're at it," Namjoon tells the older boy, who only sighs. "I'm sure Jimin would like something from you, so you can pick it out. I'll pick out something for Hobi and Taehyung can pick out something for Jungkook."
"What can I do while you guys are doing this?" Hoseok then asks, and Taehyung smiles, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"You can help me if you want, or you can pick up Jungkook if we shop around the time he'll be arriving."
Hoseok nods. "Alright. Let's get going then."
As they all stand, Taehyung gets a phone call and he answers. "Hello?"
"It's Jungkook. I'm using my mom's phone. I wanted to let you know that we're leaving now."
"Okay," the older responds, smiling. "I'll see you in a little while."
With that, Taehyung hangs up, saves the number and then puts his phone in his pocket. And then they're all going outside to get into the car.
Chapter 14: Love is Not Over
Here's an update!!
The ride to the hospital feels longer than it actually is. Hoseok tries his best to keep Yoongi calm and keeps asking him if he's okay. Yoongi only replies with gestures and stares out of the window most of the time, and Taehyung is talking to Namjoon but Yoongi doesn't know what about.
When they actually get to the hospital, Yoongi and Hoseok go inside to ask about Jimin and Taehyung stays out in the car with Namjoon.
The oldest two boys walk up to the counter, and the woman behind it looks up at them. "Can I help you?" She asks, and Yoongi bites his lip.
"We're here to find out if we can see a patient," Hoseok says, and the woman nods.
"Park Jimin," Yoongi quickly tells her, and the woman stands and disappears somewhere for a moment or two.
Soon though, she returns with a small, sad smile. "He's still asleep right now, but if you leave your number I can call you as soon as he wakes up." Yoongi's teeth sink deeper into his lip at that.
"We've already left a few numbers," Hoseok utters, and she quickly nods. "We'll come back later then."
Yoongi looks down at the floor and then back at the woman as Hoseok turns slightly. "Is he okay?" Yoongi finds himself asking, and he's aware of how small his voice sounds, and it seems Hoseok is too because he looks at the older boy with an expression of surprise.
The woman smiles fondly. "He's alright, no need to worry."
Yoongi exhales a sigh of relief, and Hoseok grins, patting the older boy on the back. "See, Yoongs? I told you he'd be fine. We just have to wait for him to wake up. Let's go tell the others."
Yoongi can't wait for Jimin to wake up. It's not over yet. Their potential love will have a chance.
Hoseok leads Yoongi away and out of the hospital, and they climb into the car. "So?" Taehyung begins, trailing off, and he and Namjoon turn back a little in their seats to look at the two in the back.
"He's okay," Hoseok says brightly, grinning. "Just like I said. He's still asleep though, so let's go get lunch and go shopping. I'm hungry."
"Me too," Namjoon says, turning back around and starting up the car.
"When Jimin wakes up, I want us to have a little fun. We haven't done that in a long time. I want Jimin to be happy with us again, so we have to make sure he can be."
Taehyung nods in agreement and they drive off to get some lunch.
They're in the middle of shopping when Taehyung gets a call from Jungkook.
"I'm at the house," the younger boy says softly, and Taehyung nods even though he knows Jungkook can't see him, "Where are you?"
"At the store, picking up something for Jimin," Taehyung replies, looking at the things on the shelves. "He's alright, but not yet awake. You want someone to come pick you up and bring you to the hospital? That's where we're heading next."
"Yeah, that sounds good."
"I'll go get him after I drop you guys off," Hoseok murmurs, putting the things he was holding down so they can go to the check-out, and Taehyung nods.
"Alright, we're paying for this stuff and then Hobi is gonna drop us off and come get you, okay? See you soon."
Taehyung hangs up after that, and then they go over to the register pay for everything. After that they leave and head back to the hospital. Hoseok drops them off and leaves to get Jungkook, and Taehyung's heart beats a little bit faster.
He can't wait to see him.
They go inside and sit there for a bit. Yoongi stays quiet most of the time but Taehyung can tell he's feeling a bit better.
Taehyung is both nervous and excited to see Jungkook, and he eventually decides to wait outside for Hoseok to come back.
He's ready to tell Jungkook how he feels about him, ready to hear Jungkook's response and hope that it's a good one- he doesn't want to be heartbroken too, like the other boys.
It takes what feels like forever but finally Hoseok is back with Jungkook, and Taehyung's heart is pounding all over again, and so he stands and walks over to the car to help get the wheelchair out. Hoseok goes over to Jungkook's side and lifts him out of the car and gently places him in the chair once Taehyung has it ready.
"There you go, Kookie," the oldest boy says softly, smiling, and he turns to go inside. "I'll give you two some privacy."
When he's gone inside, Taehyung turns to Jungkook and grins. "Hi," he murmurs, and Jungkook smiles up at him, which makes Taehyung's heart flutter.
"Hi," Jungkook replies, and Taehyung holds out his hand. Confused, Jungkook looks at him. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you more," Taehyung utters, and Jungkook goes to argue but Taehyung cuts him off. "I did."
"If you say so, but I think I missed you most."
Taehyung laughs, shaking his head. "Hold out your hand," he tells the younger boy, and Jungkook nods before doing so. "And close your eyes, too."
"Okay," Jungkook says before he shuts his eyes, and suddenly something is being placed in his palm. When he opens his eyes, he finds a necklace there, and he looks up at Taehyung again. "What's this for?" He asks.
"Just because," Taehyung answers, taking it and walking behind Jungkook to fasten it around his neck. He comes back around and looks at Jungkook with it on and nods. "It looks good on you."
"Thank you," the younger boy mutters, biting his lip. "It's pretty."
"Close your eyes again," Taehyung whispers, looking at Jungkook, his heart beating so much faster, "I have one more surprise for you."
Jungkook does, and Taehyung takes a deep breath before stepping a bit closer, placing his hands on the armrests of the wheelchair. He then wets his lips a little and holds his breath before leaning down to press his lips against Jungkook's.
For a moment, everything is perfect because Jungkook kisses him back, reaching up to thread his fingers through Taehyung's hair.
The position is a bit awkward and it makes Taehyung's neck start to hurt, but kissing Jungkook, he decides, is worth it.
When they break apart to breathe, Taehyung looks down at the necklace on Jungkook's neck, nodding to himself.
"I love you," he then confesses, shifting a little in his spot as he meets Jungkook's eyes. "I love you more than a friend, more than I probably should but I've stopped caring at this point about what I should and shouldn't think or feel or do."
Taehyung bites his lip, taking Jungkook's hand in his own. "I didn't want to end up like Namjoon, who never got to confess how he felt for Jin, or like Jimin who confessed to Yoongi through a suicide note." Jungkook frowns at this, but doesn't interrupt. "I didn't want to end up hurt or heartbroken like everyone else, which is why I never said this before, but, Jungkook, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you and I'd like for us to be together."
There's a bit of silence, but then Jungkook lightly chuckles, and Taehyung looks at him, his eyebrows knitted. "What's...?" He begins to ask, but stops when Jungkook grins at him.
"I've been waiting so long for you to say that," the younger boy admits, and Taehyung finds himself blushing. "I feel the same for you. I did love Jimin, but the more time we spent together, the less I loved him like that and the more I fell for you. Eventually I realized that it was okay that Jimin would never love me because I was in love with you more."
"Jungkookie," Taehyung breathes, trying not to let any tears spill, and Jungkook presses another kiss - although lighter than the first - to Taehyung's lips.
"Let's go inside," Jungkook says, and Taehyung nods before wheeling Jungkook through the front doors of the hospital to the waiting room where the other three boys sit.
"Hey Kook," Namjoon utters, smiling a little. "We've all missed you."
"You look tired," Jungkook comments, and Namjoon nods, letting his head fall on Hoseok's shoulder as he nods. Jungkook looks at the oldest boy then. "Hey Yoongs."
Yoongi nods in Jungkook's direction before standing up. "I'm going to check with the nurse to see if Jimin is up," he mutters before leaving the room.
"Is he okay?" Jungkook asks, twisting slightly to look up at Taehyung, who shrugs a little.
"I think he likes Jimin back," Hoseok murmurs, and they all look at him. "I think at some point in the past two weeks he started liking Jimin instead of me, and if that's the case he's probably hurting the most right now, but he'll be alright later because he knows Jimin is going to be okay, and that's all that matters to him right now."
"I think you're right," Namjoon says, letting his eyes flutter closed. Just then Yoongi returns, his lip between his teeth.
Despite what the first nurse had said earlier, Yoongi is still not feeling too good. And now the second nurse says that things may not change, that he just might not wake up after all.
Yoongi won't tell them, he decides. He doesn't want to be the one that brings the bad news.
"I think... I think I'm going to leave for a bit," he mumbles, and they all look at him, suddenly confused. "Jimin isn't awake and... won't be for... for a while... so... I'm going to head to my old studio for a while to be alone."
Yoongi hasn't even been to his studio since a while before Jin died. He used to write music in there, as he wanted to become a rapper before he met the other boys but gave up on his dream. Because of his anxiety, he felt like he couldn't do it.
Hoseok raises his eyebrows. He can tell that Yoongi isn't in a great mood for some reason and he isn't sure if it's a great idea for him to be alone right now but he doesn't say anything except, "Do you want me to drive you?"
"I can walk," Yoongi tells him, but Hoseok is already getting up, walking over to him.
"I'll give you a ride. Let's go."
Yoongi follows him out of the hospital, sighing out but getting in the passenger seat anyway.
Chapter 15: Fire
I don't care much for this chapter bUt
Also, in Korea, today is technically the 14th, which is White Day! Soooo happy White Day!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The ride is spent in silence, and when they get there, Yoongi barely gets out a 'thanks' before going inside. Hoseok leaves after a few moments, and Yoongi sits down on the futon he has there.
He thinks for a long time about everything, about earlier when Hoseok put out the fire he started, about when he found Jimin like that, about the ride in the ambulance.
Sometimes he still finds himself thinking about Hoseok and it hurts because part of him still loves him. Sometimes he'll think about Jin and that hurts too. Thinking about Jimin makes him both happy and sad at the same time because he does love him a lot now, but he's afraid that it will turn out bad. He's afraid that loving him will hurt too.
He needs Jimin to wake up. He needs to tell him everything. He needs to be able to hold him tightly, to never let go.
He can't stop feeling like it's all never going to happen, like Jimin will die and then he'll never get to say what he needs to. He wishes he didn't love him. He wishes he didn't love anyone or care about anyone or anything.
It'd be so much easier; it'd hurt less.
But unfortunately for Yoongi, he has a heart.
He pulls his lighter out of his pocket, flicking it a few times before getting up and going over to the desk. He finds an old song in there of his that wasn't in the box he burned, about his life before the boys.
Back when he was in therapy all the time, back when he was drinking a lot, back when he was hurting himself just like Jimin is.
That all changed when he met them.
He remembers it, when he met them all.
At first, he didn't really like any of them much. No particular reason why other than he just didn't like anyone at all much.
Jin was really nice to him - they had a class together - and he was the first person Yoongi really started to get close to. He opened up to him about how he was depressed and honestly didn't care if he lived or died. He talked to Jin about his anxiety and the panic attacks he kept having, as well as his drinking and self-harming problems. And Jin helped Yoongi a lot.
It took him a while to get used to Namjoon, Jin's best friend, but soon Yoongi and Namjoon began to get along well, and things were okay for Yoongi for a while. He had two good friends he could count on for everything.
And then Hoseok came along. He knew Namjoon well because they shared a class together, but hadn't actually spoken to him until then, and only because Namjoon caught him buying pills behind the university building and wanted to help him get off of them. Namjoon was and still is a great guy.
Hoseok was addicted to pills because of things going on at home, and Yoongi noted how quiet he was at first, but then he got used to them all and he wasn't so quiet anymore. Yoongi didn't talk to him much at first, but he realized how similar they were once they actually got to talk and then Yoongi had another friend to count on.
And then came Taehyung. When he first showed up at the university they all went to, he was a normal guy. Happy, nice to everyone, average in his studies.
But then his mother died, and his father took it out on Taehyung and his sister. Taehyung started coming to school everyday (since he didn't stay in the dorms) with bruises and cuts, and then his grades went down, and he never smiled anymore, never talked to anyone.
One day, he looked as if he was about to have a breakdown, and Hoseok went over to ask him if he was okay and wanted someone to sit with at lunch.
And Taehyung cried. Hoseok took him into the bathroom to talk after that, and Yoongi still isn't one hundred percent sure what was said in there, but after that day, Taehyung was always sitting with them at lunch and hanging out with them. Yoongi soon learned that Taehyung was being abused by his father, and Yoongi told him about his problems in return, and although they didn't really talk much for the first month, they both knew that they could count on each other and trust each other.
And then there was Jungkook, who Taehyung met at the train station when they accidentally got their backpacks mixed up or something. He didn't really seem to have feelings or something at first- he usually minded his own business it seemed, never really went out of his way to talk to anyone and never showed much emotion, at least, not around Yoongi.
Turns out, Jungkook's parents didn't spend much time with him, and he never had friends. He kept to himself a lot, and didn't seem to like being home. Since he didn't really have friends, he kept everything bottled up inside and he wasn't great when it came to anything social.
But little by little they changed him, and Jungkook seemed to look up to Yoongi and eventually asked if he could stay with him in his apartment once he had gotten old enough to leave. Yoongi hadn't known what to say but he didn't say no, and that's how Jungkook ended up with him. Since they lived together they got to know each other better, and they became real close.
And then, finally, there was Jimin. Yoongi had seen him around before (he usually saw him in the cafeteria, but he never ate anything), but never really paid much attention to him, at least, not until they had ran into each other in the bathroom where Yoongi found Jimin trying to wash the blood off of his arms from self-inflicted cuts there, and when their eyes locked neither could look away. Jimin had inhaled sharply, unsure of what to do, and Yoongi couldn't stop looking at him, at the pain in his eyes, at the cuts.
Yoongi knew how it felt. And he told Jimin that, and Jimin asked 'how'. He told him he had been there before, but Jimin didn't seem to believe him. He told Yoongi that he was sorry he had to see that, but he didn't have to try and relate to him. It was his own choice, Jimin had said, that he did the things he did to himself, so Yoongi shouldn't have been worried about him.
Yoongi hadn't known everything Jimin was going through, at least, not then. He didn't know how Jimin only ate enough to keep himself alive, how he cried himself to sleep at night because of the things some people he didn't really know (and his own family) said and did to him.
But right then Yoongi couldn't just let him do that to himself and be alone. He couldn't mind his own business, and leave him be. Not like that. He couldn't let what happened to him happen to Jimin, who always seemed so nice when Yoongi caught him around other people. He didn't want someone like Jimin to become someone like him, bitter and untrusting.
Biting his lip slightly, he had reached down and lifted one of his sleeves to reveal scars on his arms- old cuts and burns that he had inflicted upon himself many times. And Jimin had only looked at him with tears in his eyes.
And Jimin knew Yoongi truly understood.
"I've never had someone that I could turn to," Jimin had admitted, looking into the mirror. "I have no one. I have nothing. I have only myself, but the thing is, I hate myself- for letting everything and everyone get to me, but I know what they say to and about me is true. The hurtful things they say are nothing but the truth, and they are things I deserve to have said to and about me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I take all the pain I'm feeling inside and make myself feel it on the outside too, because, after all, it's what I deserve. I don't deserve to have someone to be on my side, to help me, to make me happy and help me not to hurt anymore."
"Bullshit," Yoongi said, and Jimin looked at him with wide eyes, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Yoongi still wonders if he was the first person to ever say otherwise when it came to Jimin and what he deserved and what he didn't, or what things were said about him. He still wonders if he was the first person that didn't agree. He figures that he probably was, looking back on it now. Jimin had certainly acted as if he was anyway.
Maybe that's why Jimin had fallen in love with him. Yoongi isn't sure.
"You know," Yoongi had begun, and Jimin only kept looking at him, "I never had anyone either. At least, not until I met the friends I have now. The six of us trust each other and we have each other's backs. Before them, I used to be way worse than I am now. I used to drink and smoke cigarettes, and get into fights and hurt myself to feel something, but I've stopped getting drunk, I quit smoking, I've stopped getting into fights, and I've stopped hurting myself like that. It doesn't mean I'm happy, or 'saved' or whatever, but I'm getting there. You could be this way too. You're not alone. If you feel like you are, then maybe you should come meet my friends. They don't judge anyone for anything, and they try to help all they can. They're great people. They- we could help you, too. You could stop hurting. You could be happy."
When they both left the bathroom that day, it was together. And the boys accepted Jimin what felt like right away. They found out that he was very self-conscious and helped him with that (calling him cute, telling him he should eat more because he was way too skinny, etcetera) but they never knew about his cuts. Yoongi only knew and kept it a secret, and eventually helped him stop, at least for a long time.
Yoongi changed when he met them. He's sure they all changed too. They had all been so much happier.
But then Jin left them all behind, and what was worst about that was they he was the one who started making them all better. He never gave up on them.
But then he gave up on himself.
Yoongi's still angry with him. He's still slightly angry at Hoseok for trying to do the same thing. He's angry with Jimin now for trying to do it. But then, at the same time, he's sad, because he doesn't want to lose them. Any of them.
He wonders if Jimin will wake up. He hopes he does, but he has the worst feeling that he won't.
He feels like he might have a anxiety attack and he tries to calm himself down. He flicks the lighter and stares into the flame. Repeats it over and over. It's so calming to him, so he just states at it.
He gets up and goes outside, grabs the gas can he had kept around before and starts walking up to the store. When he gets there, he buys a bottle of soju, a pack of cigarettes and a gallon and a half of gasoline, and returns to the studio.
He sets the can of gasoline down for later, and then sits back on the futon with the soju in his hands. He drinks some, and then lights up a cigarette. Repeats that over and over too, until his throat is burning, half the cigarettes are gone and he's pretty sure he's tipsy.
He wonders what the boys would think of him right now if they saw him. He knows it probably wouldn't be good- he's doing at least two of the things he stopped doing forever ago, and promised he wouldn't do again.
He also knows that it's painful to be in this studio. He wants it gone. He wants to go with it.
He isn't thinking straight when he sends a text to Hoseok, saying, 'If Jimin ever wakes up, tell him I loved him too. Tell the boys I love them. I love you.'
Hoseok immediately texts back with, 'Yoongi?? What's going on???' But Yoongi ignores it, finishing up the bottle and lighting up one last cigarette before grabbing the gas can. He pours it everywhere- in the bathroom, on the desk, the floor, everything, dropping the can when it's empty. He stands on the futon, taking one last drag off of the cigarette before tossing it somewhere, pulling out his lighter.
He drops it.
And all he does after is stand and watch as everything goes up in flames around him.
Lmao the chapter title is extremely ironic but I couldn't help myself
Chapter 16: Blood, Sweat and Tears
Also not too happy with the first half of the chapter, but whatever lmao.
Sooo I forgot to update yesterday; it was my nephew's second birthday anyways.
Speaking of birthdays, mine is next week- on the 23rd! Yikes I'll be 17.
Anyways, here's the update!
Hoseok arrives as quickly as he can, and when he sees that the studio is on fire, he calls for help before attempting to go in after Yoongi.
He coughs when he goes inside, the smoke about way too much for him. When he sees Yoongi on the futon asleep, he starts panicking and tries to get through the fire to get to him.
Somehow, he manages to, and he grabs Yoongi, lifting him into his arms. He can't let him die. He can't.
He hears the police and firemen outside and someone thankfully comes in to save the both of them. When he's outside, he can't stop coughing, holding onto Yoongi's hand tightly.
He doesn't realize it but he's crying, hard. He can't believe Yoongi would try to kill himself too.
He knows he should have seen it coming. He knows.
Yet he didn't.
They load up Yoongi into the ambulance, and thankfully he's alive. Hoseok drives his car behind it as they want him to get checked out too, and he's already heading there anyways. He calls the boys on the way there, letting them know that they're both okay but he tells them what happened, and they're all very upset and worried.
Hoseok doesn't blame them. First Jimin and now Yoongi.
Hoseok knew that he shouldn't have let Yoongi be alone. He feels like it's his fault now, because he could have prevented this. He could have.
But he didn't. He gave Yoongi his space and now he regrets it.
Yoongi ends up having to be in the hospital for about a day or two. He's alright though, and he gets scolded by Hoseok for doing that to him. Yoongi apologizes and confesses that he'd been drinking and that his anxiety got bad, and the two mixed and it wasn't good.
Yoongi apologizes for scaring them all, and they forgive him but make him promise to not drink anymore.
When he gets out, he goes home for a while, staying in his room since he isn't much in the mood to interact with the others. While he's in there, he finds himself writing lyrics, which he hasn't done in a while. He thinks of Jimin as each word is written down on the page.
'Without you I am nothing. After the dawn, the two of us welcomed the morning together.
Don't let go of my hand forever. I won't let go of you again either.'
He sets the page aside, pulling out a new one to write some more. He bites his lip- he remembers when he used to do this all the time. It's been so long. He doesn't write much anymore but now he feels like he needs to.
'You're everything in this world to me. Harder, so it hurts, hold me tight.'
He keeps thinking of Jimin as he fills page after page with words.
'I miss you. How much more do I have to wait? How many more nights do I have to stay up? Until I can see you? Until I can meet you?'
He wonders if- when Jimin will wake up. Hoseok assured him that Jimin will wake up for sure, and Yoongi believes him. But hopefully it won't be too much longer. Yoongi doesn't know how much longer he can wait to tell Jimin everything he needs to say.
'It was raining, it was snowing. But all unhappiness stopped; you brought heaven to me.
Don't speak so easily, because without you, there's no me- you're the best of me.'
He looks out of the window, knowing he should be more patient but he can't help it. He turns to another page to write on, hoping to distract himself.
'Past the end of this cold winter. Until the spring comes again, until the flowers bloom again, stay there a little longer.
And then he flips to yet another page, and there are more words he is jotting down quickly, and he's thinking of all the boys now. He's pouring every ounce of his blood, sweat and tears into writing these lyrics because he needs something to distract himself. Something to make him feel like there's a chance.
'It's certain like the snow that builds up- you gave me the courage to live.'
He stares at them for a while. They're so true it hurts, because before the boys, he didn't really want to live much anymore. But after them, he never dreamt of leaving them. Not until now. But getting drunk and setting his studio on fire was him being overwhelmed, but it was also him being selfish. He knew it would hurt them and he didn't think twice about it after he'd been drinking.
Maybe he had wanted it to hurt them, he thinks.
He knows it isn't true though. He never would want to hurt them. He loves all of them, and deep down, he knows Jimin will be alright. He knows there is no need to really worry.
He wonders how he'll help Jimin after he wakes up, and with that thought, he puts his book away and lies down to get some sleep.
The next day, they head to the hospital. They ask for Jimin but he's not yet awake, so they wait an hour or two there, until the others are ready to leave.
"Just let me go ask one last time," Yoongi says, and they nod, so he gets up and asks the same nurse he asked earlier if Jimin was awake yet.
The boys are waiting in the waiting room for him, but he just wants to know before they leave so he tries to be as quick as he possibly can.
She takes a while to check, but even so, her answer is the same as earlier. "No, sweetie, he isn't. And I'm not sure when he will be, either. I'm very sorry."
Yoongi feels and is sure he looks disappointed. The nurse sighs a little after a moment and tells him that maybe he could sit with Jimin for a bit, and Yoongi nods quickly and tells her to give him a moment to let his friends know.
When he goes back to the waiting room, he bites his lip as he looks at them.
"He's not awake yet but the nurse said I could sit with him if I wanted," he tells them, looking at all of them as if he's feeling a bit guilty. "So, would you mind if I did?"
Immediately, Hoseok smiles, "No we wouldn't- you can go sit with him. We'll be waiting right here for a little while longer, but let us know if you need someone to pick you up in a little bit."
Yoongi smiles just a little, nodding. "Thanks," he says softly before leaving with the nurse who had followed him to the waiting room. Hoseok lets out a soft sigh, but his smile remains.
Yoongi follows the nurse until she suddenly stops in front of a door. "This is it," she tells him, opening the door. Yoongi steps inside, his eyes focused on Jimin, asleep in the bed. "If he happens to wake up, push the button by the bed to let us know."
Yoongi nods even though he was barely listening and the girl leaves. Yoongi steps closer to the bed, his eyes never leaving Jimin. He sits down on the chair beside the bed, scooting it closer than it was, and just watches Jimin for a few moments.
He reaches out and touches Jimin's cheek gently, caressing it, before moving his hand to Jimin's, holding it in his own.
Without realizing it, he's crying. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, squeezing Jimin's hand. "I could have prevented this. So easily; with three words, I could have prevented this. I could have saved you. I could have helped you. Why wouldn't you let me? Why couldn't I see it coming?"
Jimin is still, his breathing soft. Yoongi just needs him to open his eyes, to speak to him.
"Please Jimin, open your eyes. Don't leave me for good. I need you."
He gets nothing. Nothing happens.
Still nothing changes.
He stays a long time - he gets a text from Hoseok saying they are heading home since Jungkook got upset after reading the notes and is hungry, and it says for Yoongi to text them when he is ready to come home, they're sorry - but he doesn't care that they left without him, and no one comes to tell him to leave either, so he doesn't. Not that he would willingly anyway.
He doesn't know when he falls asleep after staring at Jimin for a few hours, but he does, Jimin's hand still in his.
He dreams of Jimin, happy, smiling, in his arms. The other boys are there too, even Jin, and they're all happy like they were before all of this happened. They're outside, and Yoongi recognizes the place as Jin's favorite spot.
Jimin's looking at him in the dream, and Yoongi smiles at him, wants to kiss him. "Yoongi," Jimin says, his voice so soft. Yoongi tries to respond but he can't speak- the words won't come out.
"Yoongi," Jimin repeats, and that's when Yoongi wakes up.
Chapter 17: Awake
Ayy, there's only about three chapters left. Also, I posted a namjin!! Check it out if you want!
He looks around a little, at the clock - it's midnight - at the closed door, blinking away the sleep. "Yoongi," he hears, and his eyes land on Jimin, who's looking back at him.
It takes Yoongi a moment to realize that Jimin's awake and his eyes widen when he does. "Jimin," he murmurs, scooting his chair closer, "You're finally awake."
"How long have I been here?" Jimin questions, looking around. "How long have you been here? Where are the others?"
"They're at home," Yoongi replies, yawning a little. "I've been here at the hospital for about twelve, thirteen hours. The others went home a while ago because Jungkook was upset and hungry, and the nurse let me in to sit with you. You've been here, asleep, since three or four yesterday morning. We found you just in time, and I almost had an attack, I was so scared. I- we were so worried that we'd lost you. We... read the notes... I'm sorry for being so blind."
Jimin guiltily bites his lip. "No, I'm sorry," he corrects him, and Yoongi takes his hand again when he notices that Jimin is crying. "I'm so sorry that I've gone and put you all through so much. It's my fault that you all are hurting so much right now and I'm so sorry. I don't deserve to be here, alive, to have you here with me after all I've just done to you. I couldn't even tell you that I'm in love with you, but I did, and in the worst way possible. You should have just let me die."
"Don't say that, Mochi," Yoongi tells him, wiping his tears away, but more keep coming. "I'm glad I found you in time. It's not your fault either; you've had the worst life before us and we didn't do much to make it better, to fix you. What you didn't deserve were the things you had said and done to you. You don't deserve to hurt, to feel like you have to hurt yourself and put yourself down. You don't deserve these scars. Baby, what you deserve is the whole world, but it's just that no one has given it to you yet."
"Yoongi, it was worse than you know. The things they said and done stuck with me all this time. You know, my uncle and his friends and some other people in my family used to hurt me so much- they'd take advantage of me and make me scream and cry for help but no one was ever there to save me. They did terrible things to me, and then tell me I deserved it, tell me that I was so easy because I'd take attention from anyone because of how insecure I was thanks to the kids at school. And I believed it after a while. When I told my parents, they turned a blind eye, and it was always, 'they'd never do such things; quit lying, Jimin'. I couldn't confide in my brother, and I had no friends- at least, not anymore. I truly wanted to die. I had wanted to die since the minute I realized I couldn't trust anyone, even people I was supposed to trust, because I'd always get hurt in the end. Always."
Jimin pauses, sighing a little. "But meeting you in the bathroom changed things for me. You were the first person I felt I could truly trust, the first person I felt I could rely on and come to for absolutely anything since the first friend I ever had, who had killed himself within the time I was being hurt- when I was about sixteen. He was the only person I ever told, the only one I could trust with such a secret, but he was going through things of his own and ended up killing himself. But I knew I could trust you like I did him, and then meeting the others helped too. But when Jin killed himself, I started to go back to the way I was, because I remembered that even people you love and trust the most in the whole world can betray and hurt you- the person that you'd take a bullet for can be the one behind the trigger. My family, my only friend, and Jin all made me so aware of that."
Yoongi is quiet for a few moments, but then he speaks. "But Jimin, you know you deserved better. I'm so sorry that they made you feel so small and worthless that you didn't even want to live anymore. I'm so sorry that they hurt you, ripped away your innocence and left you broken. I'm sorry that your life has been awful, but things can change now. I used to want to die before I met you guys, but right now, I never want to leave you. You never deserved anything you got- you're an angel, you would never hurt anyone on purpose and you sacrifice your own happiness for others the majority of the time. You're so perfect, in your own way. And we need you here with us. You're special. They can't hurt you anymore and make you think otherwise. You're okay now. You know that, don't you?"
"But Yoongi..." Jimin starts to argue, but Yoongi doesn't let him finish.
"I'm serious," the older says, pushing Jimin's blond hair to the side. "Look, I'm not saying you did the right thing by trying to take your own life or anything, but I'm saying that it's understandable why you would want to and it's not your fault. It's really their fault for making you want to, but it's also my fault, because I should have seen it. Now that I think about it, you weren't really trying to hide it until the end, and I should've done something when I saw the way your eyes looked the day before Jungkook left. The day when I said that I loved Hobi, and you said that you didn't love me even though you did. Why did you lie to me then?"
"I lied because I thought there was no way you would love someone like me," Jimin admits, looking away now, and Yoongi's frowning. "And I was right. I saw the way you looked at Hobi before but then you confirmed it, and then you said you two even kissed." Jimin sighs, looking at Yoongi but not at his eyes. "I'm sorry I told you through my suicide note- I needed you to know but I couldn't tell you any other way. You can just forget about it though. Pretend I never told you, if it makes it easier. I don't want things to change between us."
"But you're wrong," Yoongi utters, and Jimin finally meets his eyes. "And I don't want to forget because I want things to change. I can't stand seeing you unhappy- I miss your smile. I miss you. And when I say that, I miss you more."
Yoongi looks down at their hands, gives Jimin's a squeeze, and Jimin keeps looking at him, waiting. "I have something to tell you," Yoongi whispers, and Jimin just stares at him. "Two things, really. Firstly, I tried to kill myself the other day, while you were sleeping."
Jimin looks frightened. "Y- You what...?" He questions, his voice small and soft. "Why? Why would you do that?"
"I got drunk and set my old studio on fire," Yoongi confesses, chewing on his bottom lip. "I feel awful about it but I thought that you should know. I'm alright now, and I swear I'll never try to do it again. I just didn't... I couldn't handle the thought of losing you. And the other thing..."
Jimin waits for him to speak again. It takes a while, but he does.
"I don't love Hoseok anymore," Yoongi finally says, looking back at Jimin's face. "At least, not as much as I did two weeks ago. He said something to me when he turned me down after I took your advice and asked him out, and I've been thinking about it, a lot, and I think it's true."
"What did he say?" Jimin asks curiously, and Yoongi smiles a little at him.
"That you're perfect for me, that we'd be great together. That you'd be the one to make me happy."
Jimin doesn't know what to say, watching as Yoongi runs his fingers through his black hair. Neither talk for a few minutes but then Yoongi does.
"I love you," he suddenly confesses, and Jimin is surprised because he knows it must be hard for him to say- Yoongi always has had trouble talking about personal things and feelings. "I fucking love you. I'm in love with you. I realized it this past week, the day you fell asleep in my arms, with your head on my chest. I can't stop thinking about everything, about you, about what Hobi said. I'm so happy that you're still here with me, because I've realized that you're my better half- the best of me, so, please, just don't leave me. Don't try to again. I need you. We need you."
"Yoongi," Jimin whispers, and then he's crying again but harder, sobbing, and Yoongi tries to shush him.
"Jimin, look at me," he murmurs, and Jimin does, tears steadily flowing from his brown eyes. "Don't cry." He wipes his tears away, and Jimin nods, but more tears come.
"I'm sorry," Jimin utters then, wiping his own eyes, "I'm trying not to."
Yoongi looks down at Jimin's arm as he waits for him to calm down. The cuts there make him upset, but he's going to make sure Jimin stops. He brings his forearm to his lips, kissing every cut and scar there, and Jimin watches him wordlessly.
"I love you," Yoongi says again, placing another kiss on Jimin's wrist. "Every bit of you. How could I not love someone as beautiful as you? It's impossible, I tell you."
Jimin bites his lip, and Yoongi lets go of his arm, standing and leaning forward a little towards him. "Can I kiss you?" He asks, placing his hands beside Jimin's head on the slightly elevated hospital bed. "I want to kiss you. I've wanted to kiss you for a while."
Jimin takes a deep breath. "O- Okay," he manages to reply, blinking up at Yoongi, "You can... you can kiss me... if that's really what you want."
Yoongi nods, wetting his lips before leaning in the rest of the way, his lips now on Jimin's. It's nothing too much yet, but it's not quite just lips touching lips. It lasts maybe a minute, maybe a minute and a half.
When Yoongi pulls back, he sighs contently. "I think... I feel like things will be okay now," he murmurs after a bit, and he sits back down. Jimin nods, and Yoongi takes his hand before getting his phone to call Namjoon and let them all know that Jimin's awake.
When he hangs up, he lets Jimin know they're coming even though it's late, and Jimin looks at him. "By the way, I... I love you too, and, well, you know," he breathes out after a few moments, and Yoongi smiles at him again, thinking that he looks so beautiful right now, especially with the blush he now has on his cheeks.
Chapter 18: Wings
So i usually never update this late/early (? 4am) buuuut i wont have a chance to later since it's my birthday today (march 23rd) ♡ so I'll be busy, plus I'll be busy still until like Tuesday because my party is Monday. So an update should come Tuesday! Anyhow, i hope you enjoy!!!
P.S. there's only one chapter left and an epilogue... it's almost over T.T but I'll be posting a new yoonmin soon, two actually, one that's short and written in letters that's already on wattpad, and one based on Your Lie in April!! (; I was also thinking about writing a yoonmin based on haikyuu and either a yoonmin or a vkook based on Tokyo Ghoul, sooooo look out for those ((;
The boys get there in about fifteen minutes, hurriedly asking the nurse to allow them access to Jimin's room, which makes her go check if he's awake.
"Well, he's awake but it's kind of late," she murmurs, and the boys sigh out, afraid that they're going to have to go back home without seeing Jimin at all until the sun comes up.
"Well, that sucks," comes from Jungkook, who's frowning. "I really wanted to see him..."
The girl bites her lip, closing her eyes and exhaling. "Alright, I'll let you in to see him, but only for a few minutes and you have to be quiet, okay?"
Every one of the boys brighten up at this, and Hoseok even hugs her. "Thanks so much!" He says, and she cringes at the volume of his voice in her ear, but chuckles anyway after.
"You're welcome," she replies, and Hoseok lets go of her. They follow her to Jimin's room, Taehyung wheeling Jungkook behind the others. "Remember what I said? Keep it down and only for a few minutes. There's so many of you and it's late which is why you can't stay much longer than maybe twenty minutes at most. I'm sorry. But if you come back at a normal time you can visit longer."
The boys nod in understanding and she lets them in the room, closing the door once they're all inside.
They stand there awkwardly for a moment, looking at Yoongi and Jimin who are just holding hands. Yoongi notices them and waves them over, and Taehyung feels his chest tighten like he's going to start crying. He wheels Jungkook over, and the other two follow behind.
"Jimin," Hoseok murmurs sadly, never able to hide his emotions well. Jimin feels guilty all over again and Yoongi notices, squeezing his hand for comfort.
"I'm so sorry," Jimin utters softly, and he then notices he's been saying it a lot. "I know it doesn't mean much after what I did, but I mean it- I'm sorry. I love you guys, and I understand if you can't forgive me. I kept so much from all of you, lied to you. I have nothing to say but I'm sorry and I know it's not enough."
Taehyung steps closer. He was happy, but after seeing Jimin he's upset again. "I hate you," he mutters, and Jimin looks really hurt but then Taehyung suddenly hugs him, sobbing on his shoulder. "You scared me so much, and I fucking hate you. I'm your best-est friend of all, your brother, aren't I? You should've talked to me; I'm always here for you- all of us are. Always. We love you, Jimin. Don't ever do that to us again, please."
Jimin is crying again too. "Taehyungie," he sobs, holding the younger boy closer.
Hoseok joins in with the hugging, wiping his tears away. He's reminded of when it was him in Jimin's position, and they were all crying over him and saying similar things that they're saying to Jimin now.
"Hobi," Jimin whispers, holding him close too, and Taehyung pulls away to let Namjoon give a hug. "Joonie... I'm so sorry, guys..."
When they both let go as well, Taehyung lifts Jungkook and sets him on the edge of the bed so he can hug Jimin too.
"It's okay," Jungkook tells him, wiping away Jimin's tears with his thumb. "Please don't think you've terribly hurt me because you didn't like me back, I understood then, when I made the decision to let you go."
He looks back at Taehyung then with a smile, taking his hand, and Hoseok bites his lip, looking down at the floor.
"As long as you just don't try to leave us again, things will be okay," Namjoon says, smiling a little as well. "We'll make things okay again."
"We'll help you," Yoongi begins, "With the way you feel about yourself. We'll make you smile, make you happy, we'll keep loving you. We'll fix you, make you better and help you stop hurting yourself so you can start to love yourself."
"I think we all need a little help right now," Hoseok states, and Namjoon nods, helping Taehyung put Jungkook back in the wheelchair. "I think we've all lost our way."
"All of you, you're too good to me," Jimin breathes, trying not to cry again. "You guys are all I have, my everything. I'm sorry I was so stupid, so selfish."
"Let's just try our best to move on from this," Yoongi says, and they all agree with a nod.
There's a knock on the door before the nurse comes in. "Sorry guys, time's up." The other boys hug Jimin before leaving, and Yoongi smiles a little.
"You're not going?" Jimin asks, and Yoongi shakes his head. "But don't you want to sleep? You love sleep."
"I have a hard time sleeping without you by my side anymore," Yoongi admits, and he swears he can see Jimin blushing. "Besides, I'm okay. I want to stay here with you."
Jimin scoots over a little and pats the spot next to him on the bed. "At least climb up here and try to sleep a little more," he tells him, and Yoongi chuckles a little before he climbs onto the bed beside Jimin, wrapping his arms around his tiny waist.
"You need to gain some weight. I want you to be healthy because like I said before, you look amazing when you're healthy. It's sexy."
"Go to sleep," Jimin says, and Yoongi rolls his eyes before pressing a light kiss to his lips.
When they let Jimin out and he finally gets home, Yoongi makes him something delicious to eat, and then gives him the gift that he'd gotten for him that he forgot all about.
It's a bracelet. Nothing much, but it's enough to make Jimin smile a little.
"I want to help you to not hurt anymore," Yoongi tells him, taking his hand in his own, and Jimin looks at him. "Can I? Will you let me?"
He's not quite okay. Sometimes he'll have nightmares and wake up crying and Yoongi will hold him until he calms down. Sometimes he'll get an urge to hurt himself and Taehyung will notice the look in his eyes and talk to him about it.
Sometimes Namjoon will talk to him about Jin even though it's still hard for both of them. Sometimes Hoseok will talk to him about how he's feeling, and they'll discuss the bad thoughts they both still share sometimes. Sometimes Jungkook will try his best to cheer him up and they'll hang out.
He's not quite okay but he's getting better. Yoongi helps out a lot, with his compliments and reassuring kisses. He calls him beautiful, tells him how much he loves him and somehow, little by little, it makes things better. And in turn, Jimin also tries to help Yoongi with his anxiety and depression the best he can.
Jimin guesses that Yoongi is his boyfriend now, but they never really talked about it, so he brings it up one night after Hoseok has passed out on the other bed.
"Yoongi," he starts, sitting up, and Yoongi looks up at him from where he lies on the edge of the bed.
"What is it, baby?" He asks, and Jimin blushes a little at the nickname. He reaches for Yoongi's hand, intertwining their fingers. Holding his hand makes Jimin feel comfortable.
"Are we..." He begins, biting his lip after as he tries to rephrase, "Are you my boyfriend now?"
His face feels hot as he asks, and he lies back down, staring at the ceiling in the dark room as he waits for an answer.
It's Yoongi's turn to sit up a little now, leaning over Jimin slightly. "Well, that depends," the older whispers, letting their foreheads touch. "Do you want me to be?"
Jimin's eyes go from Yoongi's to his lips. "Yeah," he replies, "I do." And Yoongi smiles a little before kissing him.
"Then I'm your boyfriend," Yoongi says after pulling away, and Jimin wraps his arms around the back of his neck and his shoulders, kissing him again, and Yoongi runs his hands underneath Jimin's baggy sweater, over his stomach and chest, and down to his exposed thighs, grabbing them. Jimin gasps, and Yoongi deepens their kiss.
The next day is when Yoongi and Jimin tell everyone that they're dating, although no one is surprised, they're all a bit confused ("I thought you two were already dating...?" Comes from Hoseok).
Taehyung tells the others about his father and he and Jungkook also come out as a couple, which actually has Yoongi and Namjoon surprised at least, maybe Jimin too. Hoseok, however, isn't surprised for sure, and although he puts on his brightest smile and says that he's happy for them, he's really hurting inside. He's upset with himself because he promised himself he was going to get over Taehyung, but no matter how much he tries, he just can't do it.
He loves Taehyung so much and he can't help it, but he knows Taehyung is happy with Jungkook, and he would never want to destroy that.
He has to excuse himself when he feels tears welling up in his eyes, heading into the bedroom he shares with Jimin and Yoongi. He locks the door, sitting down on his bed.
And he cries.
A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door, and Hoseok wipes his tears away the best he can before unlocking it and opening it.
Namjoon stands there, looking confused when he sees how red and blotchy Hoseok's face is. "Hobi, what's wrong?" He questions, and Hoseok forces a smile, shaking his head.
"Nothing, I'm fine," he lies, but Namjoon knows better and gives him a knowing look, and Hoseok sighs. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Namjoon asks then, watching as Hoseok sits down.
The older boy shrugs, wiping away the next tears that fall. "I'm angry at myself," he just says, and Namjoon walks over to him, sitting down beside him.
Hoseok gives a humorless laugh. "Because I'm still in love with Taehyung. And now he's with Jungkook and I'm just feeling bitter. I hate that I can't really be happy for them, and I want to be. I love them both so much and I don't want to screw things up for them. I should just be happy that Taehyung is happy, but..."
"Hobi, it's okay, I understand."
Namjoon pulls Hoseok into a hug, and that's when Taehyung lets them know he's been standing there by stepping into the room.
"Hobi, I'm sorry," he says softly, and Hoseok looks at him quickly, surprised, shaking his head.
"No no, you have nothing to be sorry for," he tells him, biting his lip. "I'm the one that should be sorry. I know I said that it was okay and I promise it will be. Just give me some time to get over it, okay?"
"You shouldn't have to do that," Taehyung whispers, looking down at the floor. "You don't deserve to be sad and heartbroken."
"It's okay, Tae-Tae."
"But it's not. I can't stand by and let you be hurt, I can't sit here and watch you cry because of me."
"And I can't stand by and let you give up Jungkook, the one that makes you happy," Hoseok tells him, and Taehyung looks away. "I'll be okay. Don't let him go now that you have him. I just need a little time."
"You're so selfless," Taehyung begins softly, turning to leave. "You're giving up your happiness so I can have mine. I hope that you find someone amazing that treats you great and loves you so much."
"Will I ever find someone like that?" Hoseok questions, looking from Namjoon to Taehyung.
"Someday," Taehyung replies. "Someday."
He walks over to Hoseok, pressing a light kiss to his lips, and Hoseok blushes lightly as Taehyung speaks again. "I know that what you really wanted was to be my one, but I'm sorry that it couldn't happen. I know that someday you'll meet someone, and I know that they'll treat you good and give you everything you ever deserve because if they don't, they'll have me to deal with. It'll happen, I know it will. Maybe not today, but someday."
He leaves then, going downstairs where Jungkook waits for him. He decides not to tell Jungkook about any of what went on, but he knows that if he did, Jungkook would understand. But he doesn't tell him. He only leans down and kisses Jungkook's lips, lingering for a long time.
"I love you," he murmurs, and when Jungkook smiles at him, his heart soars.
"I love you, too."
Jimin smiles at the two of them, and Yoongi pulls him a little closer. Jimin presses his face into the crook of Yoongi's neck and intertwines their fingers together.
He likes when they hold hands and hug. His small hand fits perfectly in Yoongi's larger one, and he feels safe in Yoongi's arms, with his face buried against his neck or with Jimin's head on his chest, his heartbeat loud in Jimin's ear.
"I love you, you know."
Just hearing his voice makes Jimin feel calm. Just looking into his eyes makes Jimin feel loved.
"I know," Jimin whispers. "And I love you. It's always you, always been you."
Just being with Yoongi, being close to him, makes Jimin feel... happy.
The room, the white bed, white walls and curtains, closed doors with scratch marks covering them, the white lily with now seven petals, the window, broken, with light leading to somewhere unknown.
A pair of white, angelic wings, hands covered in crimson.
Jin stares into the light, a flowerlike mark glowing over his heart, beneath his white shirt. His wings flutter slightly, and he steps up onto the windowsill, bare feet on broken glass. He reaches his bloody hand out as if to reach for the light, but he falls.
Then he flies.
Chapter 19: Spring Day
Yeet, there's only an epilogue left.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
He sits on the beach.
The crashing waves are somewhat loud but very soothing, calming. The sun is only slightly warm and the wind is chilly, and somehow he's comfortable. Summer passed a long time ago, and autumn too, and yet here he is, at the beach, on a cool spring day. It snowed actually; despite it being spring, it's cold.
It's been so many months.
It still hurts but not so much anymore; perhaps they're all starting to heal. He hears the birds that fly up above him, looks up to see them. The wind blows and he shivers a little.
He looks up to his left to see Yoongi, waiting for him.
"It's time to go. We'll miss the train. Let's go do this."
Jimin stands as Yoongi turns away. "Yoongi," Jimin says, and Yoongi stops and turns back around.
Jimin walks over to him and takes his hand, and the older leads him to where the other boys wait. It's a short walk to the train station, and when they get on, they realize they're the only ones.
On the way, no one speaks, and they all look out of the windows at the melting crystal snow that's still sticks to the ground. It's beautiful- the world, when it's covered in white.
When they get off of the train they have to walk for a while to get there. Taehyung pushes Jungkook all the way, but he doesn't mind. Namjoon and Hoseok stay close together. Jimin holds Yoongi's hand and Jin's pair of white canvas shoes.
When they get there, they stop and take in the beautiful sight.
Jin's favorite place- a lone tree in the middle of nowhere. All of its leaves are gone and so it's bare, but it's still so pretty.
Jimin bites his lip as he ties the laces of the shoes together tightly, and looks up at the tree, walking over to it. "Are you all sure about this?" He asks, looking back at the boys.
They all nod. "Truth is," Yoongi starts, "I think this is the best for us. We can't be sad forever. We need to move on together."
"As long as we're together things will be okay," Hoseok murmurs, and Taehyung nods.
"We'll all be okay," he whispers, taking Hoseok's and Jungkook's hands in his own.
"It'll take some time, but..." Jungkook trails off, and Taehyung gives his hand a squeeze.
"Yeah, because even though we lost Jin, we still have each other," Namjoon adds then, and Yoongi nods.
"As long as we're together, we can smile," Yoongi says then, and Jimin does smile at him. "Because as long as we're together..."
Jimin then throws the tied-together shoes over a branch in the tree, and then moves back over to the others, and they all look up at the tree.
"We never walk alone," Jimin finishes after a moment when he looks a Yoongi, who looks back at him, and they all smile a little now.
And then they all go quiet as this becomes their first good day in a long time.
It's only a month later when Namjoon gets a phone call that changes everything.
He pauses for a long time. "You're not serious," Namjoon says, but it's really more like a question. "It's not possible, he's not..." And then he actually drops his phone when she repeats her words, actually very, very serious.
"Ah, but it's the truth. Kim Seokjin has woken up from his coma after all this time."
When he picks the phone back up, he's shaking and crying, and he calls for the others. "He's... he's not dead?" He asks her just to be sure, wondering if maybe he's dreaming.
"No, I don't know who told you he was but he isn't."
"I'll be right there," he says quickly, hanging up, and that's when the other boys enter the room.
"Joon, what's wrong?" Taehyung questions when he sees Namjoon shaking, sees his tears.
It takes him a long time but finally he gets it out. "It's Jin," he utters, and they all have confused and concerned expressions. "He's... he's actually... alive..."
"...What?" Jimin whispers, and Namjoon takes a deep breath.
"Jin's actually alive. I just got a call from the hospital."
"But... it can't be..." Hoseok mutters, and they're all crying now. "What the fuck?"
"We need to go," Namjoon says quietly, and they all nod and hurry out into the car, quickly getting Jungkook in.
They are at the hospital within ten minutes, Namjoon is driving so fast. They all get out and rush inside and then are slightly upset when the nurse tells them that they have to wait about a half an hour to an hour or so, so that they can get Jin all checked out now that he's awake (get him bathed, fed, run a few tests, etcetera).
They're waiting what feels like forever in the waiting room, and Hoseok ends up going off to find the bathroom.
Hoseok locks eyes with a male nurse as he passes by him in the hallway on the way back to the waiting room. The boy smiles at him, and Hoseok quickly recognizes him as Lee Taemin, the main nurse that took care of him after his attempt when he was still laid up in the hospital, and so he stops to talk.
"Taemin," he murmurs, trying to smile but it probably looks very fake.
"Hi Hoseok," Taemin says with a bright real smile, "How have you been doing? It's good to see you."
"I'm okay. It's good to see you too."
"So what brings you here?" Taemin asks, and Hoseok bites his lip.
"I just found out that my friend isn't actually dead but has been in a coma for about eleven months. It's..."
"I understand how you must feel right now. I wish that I could help somehow."
"Yeah, well... Anyway... It was nice to see you."
As Hoseok begins to walk away, Taemin stops him, looking nervous. "Hey," he utters, rubbing the back of his neck, "I was actually going to ask if... if you wanted to go out sometime."
"You wanna go out?" Hoseok questions with raised eyebrows, surprised. "With me? Why?"
"Of course, I think you're very nice and cute and, well, I don't know. I just want to get to know you better. I think that it would be really cool."
"Well, I mean, when you put it that way... sure. Give me your number?"
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah." This time, when Hoseok smiles, it's a real one, and he realizes that his heart is fluttering. "Going out would be nice."
"I think so too."
They swap numbers and Hoseok is on his way, smiling the whole walk back to the other boys. His face feels warm. He knows that this will be a good way to make sure he's completely over Taehyung and he's flattered that someone else (other than Yoongi) would ask him out after knowing what he's done.
When the boys ask why he's smiling so much, he tells them what happened, and Taehyung hugs him. "That's great, Hobi!" He exclaims, and the other boys give grins and nods.
It seems like forever, but finally, a nurse tells them that they can see Jin now.
He leads them to the room, and they hesitate for a moment, and so he leaves them.
They don't know how to feel right now. Happy? Probably. But all they really feel is sad because they've spent so much time crying over a dead friend who isn't actually dead. Months of sadness, when they could've been happier and more positive had they known. Hoseok probably would have never tried to kill himself, Jimin... well, maybe he wouldn't have either, and perhaps neither would Yoongi, and Jungkook would probably still be able to walk, and Namjoon would have been happier, thinking clearer. Things would have turned out better if they had known.
They stand outside of the room for a while, and they just realize that this room is right beside the one Jimin had been in.
Jin had been so close and they never knew.
Namjoon looks around at all the boys and they nod that they're ready. Slowly he reaches for the handle of the door, and the metal is cold on his hand. He turns it, pushes slightly.
The door opens.
Their eyes lock onto him.
For a moment, the world seems to stop.
"Jin," Jimin whispers, and that's when he looks over at them, and his eyes begin to fill with tears.
"Jiminie," he responds weakly using nicknames, "Tae-Tae, Hobi, Yoongs, Kookie, Joonie..."
Hearing his voice is what has them all in tears, and Hoseok makes sure to close the door before they all get closer to the eldest boy in the room. For a few moments they just stare at each other, until Jin speaks again.
"I'm so sorry," he says softly, and Namjoon thinks that even when he's crying he looks beautiful. "I can't believe what I've done to you all, what I must have put all of you through. I completely understand if you never forgive me for this." He pauses, biting his lip as he wipes the tears from his eyes, but more tears follow.
"Jinnie," Namjoon begins, but Jin cuts him off.
"The nurse said I was in a coma for eleven months," he mutters, "She said that she called you and that you had no idea, that you all thought that I was dead. I'm the most awful human being on this entire planet and I don't deserve to have you all here for me. I'm so sorry. I think maybe you should go, keep me erased from your lives."
He looks at them all, and they don't look too bad but he notices how skinny Jimin is and the fact that Jungkook is in a wheelchair, and he starts crying more.
"We're not leaving," Jungkook says, wiping his own tears away. "We love you."
"What happened?" Jin asks quietly, and they get a bit closer, "While I was asleep, what happened? Tell me everything. I need to know everything I put you through."
"I think we need an explanation from you first," Taehyung murmurs, and the others wipe their eyes. "We need to know why you really did it and everything you were feeling. We need to know how long you'd been planning it and why we were told that you were dead, and then we'll tell you."
Jin nods. "Okay." The boys (besides Jungkook and Jin) sit on the floor, looking at him and waiting, and he gives a soft sigh. "I take it you found my note, so you know some of why I did it. The truth is, I hadn't been happy in a long time. Not really. I knew that some, if not all of you, were hurting, and I knew that I couldn't change anything and couldn't make anything better. I had some problems myself, and they only added to it. I loved... still love... someone that couldn't return my feelings. I had cut myself and did awful things when I was alone. For a while, I pretended to be happy for all of you but then, one day, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. You all were hurting, and I was too."
He looks at them again, and the tears come again. "I wanted to stop hurting. I knew it was wrong to think about killing myself but I wanted to do it then, because I needed to be free of the pain I was feeling. I know I chose the worst way and I couldn't be more sorry. I wasn't really thinking about you all when I decided. And I knew someone, not very well, but I needed a favor, and so I asked him- if I didn't succeed in killing myself, would he tell you all that I did so that I could make sure I was dead after without hurting you twice? And he did. But when I was asleep I think I somehow realized how much you all need me and how much I need you all. I think I knew I made the wrong choice. I realized that I've hurt you all so much. And I'm sorry. That was never what I wanted because I love you all."
"We love you too," Hoseok says, and Namjoon stands and goes over to Jin to hug him, and when he does he starts sobbing into Jin's shoulder. Jin holds him tightly, and Namjoon knows that this is all he's really needed.
"I need to tell you something," he whispers, and Jin lets him pull back slightly. "It's not really a secret anymore, and when I thought you were dead I felt like I'd forever feel like I was missing out because I never told you, but I'm going to tell you right now because I need to get it out, so, truth is, I'm in love with you, and I've been in love with you ever since that time you got drunk and we kissed, and I know you wanted to forget but I never could. I've never loved anyone like I love you- you mean the world to me. It killed me inside when I had been told that you were dead. It's okay if you don't feel the same but I just needed to tell you."
"But... truth is, I do feel the same for you," Jin utters, surprising Namjoon. "I've been in love with you for a long time and I never thought that you would love me back like that. I never wanted to forget that kiss, but I thought that's what would be best, because I thought you would have rather forgotten about it. I was trying to make you happy."
"I wasn't happy," Namjoon admits, and Jin nods because he wasn't either then. "All I wanted was to be with you. I love you."
And that's when Jin kisses him, and Namjoon kisses back and it's just like the first time. The boys all clap and cheer and then eventually they break apart.
"I love you, too, Joonie."
A few moments pass in a comfortable sort of silence before Jin finally asks, "So, are you all going to tell me what happened with you guys? Why is Jungkook in a wheelchair and why is Jimin so skinny again?"
And so they tell him. They tell him about the sadness they all felt after what happened, they tell him about Jungkook losing his ability to walk when he was hit by the car after being attacked, they tell him about Hoseok's suicide attempt after he got back on his pills, about Taehyung leaving his father's house for good only to bump into him and be told his father is sorry, about how Yoongi was heartbroken after confessing his feelings for Hoseok, who really loved Taehyung and was also turned down, about Namjoon's car being stolen, Namjoon's depression and how he felt like he was failing them all, how he felt like everything was his fault.
Taehyung confesses that he thought about dying and jumped into the ocean from high up, which is news to all of them. They are all asking ifhe's okay now, and he nods.
They tell him about Jimin not eating again as well as his suicide attempt which had Yoongi feeling terrible because he had just realized his feelings for him, and about how Yoongi also tried to kill himself by setting his studio on fire, and about how now Jimin and Yoongi, as well as Jungkook and Taehyung, are a couple, and about how Hoseok now has a date with the nurse that took care of him. They tell him about what they did at his favorite place with his shoes to honor him and help them all move on.
Jin's crying yet again after listening to everything that happened, and Namjoon takes his hand. They're all quiet again after, and when Jin stops crying he once again apologizes.
"I know it's not enough," he tells them, biting his lip, "I know it will never be enough to make up for all of the pain I've inflicted on you, all the bad things that happened because of what I did but I want you all to know that I'm so, so sorry."
They all go over and hug him, and he kisses them all on the forehead or cheek like a mother would.
"Ah, Eomma," Jungkook jokes when Jin kisses his cheek then, and they all can't help but to laugh.
"That's it, from now on I'm calling you 'Eomma' and Namjoon 'Appa'," Jimin says, and Namjoon smiles and looks at Jin, who looks from Jimin to Namjoon. "You can be my new parents."
"Ah, my children," Jin murmurs before attacking them all with kisses and hugs again. "My sweet children, I love all of you."
"Eomma, quit embarrassing me," Yoongi grumbles, which has them all laughing again.
"Wait," Hoseok begins, squinting a little as if he's confused, "If we're all your children, then we're one incestuous family."
"Wow, thanks for pointing that out, Hobi," Jungkook says, shaking his head. "Let's forget you even said that at all."
"That's a good idea," Jin chuckles, watching as Jimin leans over to kiss Yoongi's lips. "Great, now I can't stop thinking about it. If you guys are going to kiss, don't do it in front of me anymore. Oh, and you all better not be having sex. Not in my house. Eomma and Appa will be watching you all, isn't that right, Joonie?"
Namjoon laughs and shrugs, smacking Yoongi lightly when he kisses Jimin again. "Stop with the incest in the hospital, children. Do you want your Eomma mad at you?"
Yoongi huffs. "This is so unfair, man," he says jokingly.
"Blame Hobi," Jungkook mutters with a playful glare. "He's the one that started this mess by pointing it out and ruining it for everybody."
"Well, excuse me, sorry," Hoseok utters a bit sassily, turning his head. "At least I'm not in a relationship."
"Yet," Taehyung reminds him, "Not yet, but you will be once you start going out with that Taemin guy."
"Shut up, Tae-Tae!" Hoseok shouts, blushing, and Taehyung smirks before leaning down and wrapping his arms around Jungkook's chest from behind the chair, kissing the top of his head.
"That's sweet, you guys are cute," Yoongi comments as he looks at them, but then he smiles a bit. "But my Jimin and I are cuter." To prove his point, he hugs Jimin from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder before placing a gentle kiss on Jimin's neck, which has the younger grinning and blushing with slight embarrassment.
Jungkook looks at them, scoffing a little. "Bitch, you wish," he utters with some sass of his own, trying not to laugh as Jin swats at him for swearing. "Taehyungie and I are goals."
"But Joonie and I are the best," Jin exclaims, and there's the laughs again as Namjoon kisses Jin's forehead. "We are the ultimate goals."
"Ah, whatever," Jimin says softly, still smiling. "I know that Yoongi and I are the best, and he knows too, and that's all that matters to me."
"You all suck," Hoseok tells them, shaking his head, and they all can't help but to laugh again.
They're all genuinely happy.
Okay, so for those wondering, for a long time I was torn between having Jin be dead or alive at the end. I settled on alive about half way through. Those little things with Jin were originally going to be the afterlife, and was actually going to turn this into an angels and demons au with jin, jimin and like hoseok as angels and tae, yoongi, namjoon and jungkook as demons. However I changed it all around, and those little things with Jin were just his coma dream thing.
I'm sorry if you don't like the ending but with how much angst was in here, I needed to give the boys, especially namjoon, a happy ending.
I'll be posting the short epilogue very soon. ♡
Chapter 20: Epilogue: Young Forever
YEET THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER!!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
They're on the beach.
It's the middle of spring now, and the air is warm and so is the water. Jin takes pictures and Namjoon watches him do so, smiling so wide because boy, is he in love- with Jin, as well as his amazing photography skills.
They all watch as Taehyung climbs up the odd structure, and for a moment he's just standing there, but then he smiles because this time he wants to live, and he jumps off of it and he falls into the water, and the boys cheer. Jungkook sort of wishes he could do it too, maybe hold Taehyung's hand and they jump together, but he's fine with just watching.
He's happy that Taehyung loves him for how he is now, and takes care of him with no complaints. He feels so grateful that he has someone like Taehyung, who doesn't see a wheelchair when he looks at Jungkook, but the love of his life. That's all Jungkook ever really wanted- all he wanted was to love and to be loved. And he got what he wanted in the end.
Yoongi holds Jimin close as they watch the waves. Their hands are intertwined as always, and they're both happy.
Yoongi smiles when Jimin looks up at him. Jimin has become his world, and Yoongi isn't sure what he'd do without him. He's glad Jimin is doing well now, too.
"You're so beautiful, Jimin," he murmurs in his ear, and without being able to see it, he knows that Jimin is smiling. "I love you."
"I love you too, Yoongi," Jimin replies, his voice soft. Taehyung come out of the water then, and then suddenly, Jin is calling for them.
"Guys, let's all take a picture together!" He shouts, and they all get up and go over to him and Namjoon. They all huddle together with smiles on their faces. Jin makes sure they're all in the frame and then takes the photo.
They know that no matter what happens, no matter how much older they get, in all of their hearts will be this moment. No matter how much older they get, they will be young forever.
Jimin looks at Yoongi again his smile is still there, and Yoongi thinks that he's perfect, too.
They don't have to say it. None of them have to say it to know that this day is the best day of their lives.
"You know," Jimin whispers. And Yoongi knows, he knows Jimin knows it too but he says it anyway. Just because.
I'm currently considering doing a prequel or a sequel or something, or some kind of alternate path. Hmmm... anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this, and thank you all!! ♡ i love you guys so much !!
EDIT: I just realized I forgot to put Hoseok in the epilogue. How dumb am i?? Ugh. I love him tbh, I can't believe I forgot to put him in.
If I don't do a sequel, perhaps I'll do a oneshot sequel/mini epilogue for him, or edit this and add him somewhere. I'm sorry!!!!
In any case, a sequel would include: Hoseok and Taemin's relationship progress, angst, Jungkook possibly walking again, Taehyung and his dad, more Namjoon and Jin!!, and of course, Jimin and Yoongi, but maybe with more angst and backstory?? Hmm... you guys decide!!
Chapter 21: EUPHORIA
After what bts just dropped today, I have to write a sequel. I may change some parts in this actual fic so it matches with the video?? Idk, I mean jungkook pulled Yoongi out of the fire, not Hoseok, but jk is in a wheelchair... hm... maybe not then.
Low-key wish I would have waited to post this bUT- it's fine.
Now, with what you saw, do you think a sequel/alternate path thing would work combined? Or something... oh boy I'm shook-
I NEED TO WRITE MORE BASED ON WHAT I JUST SAW TODAY OH HO HO
Chapter 22: Hi guys,
Wow, I'm sorry I haven't written a sequel or anything yet. I actually haven't been writing much- been playing a lot of zelda and persona 5 again, been depressed from unrequited love, been kinda dealing with slight writer's block, but nothing too bad. Hopefully I can get some kind of sequel written.
As for happy, I'm still currently working on it. I've also been doing some wattpad exclusive works, but those are mainly just so I write a little. However I may start posting them soon. Also I've been kind of working on a new yoonmin in which Jimin has cancer, but I'm not going to reveal much yet. I also had many drafts and ideas- perhaps an au based on Orange, or Tokyo Ghoul. I had started a Your Lie in April au, but kind of stopped writing it.
I've been watching lots of fma lately so I was wondering if i could make an au like that?? I haven't decided yet tbh.
Hopefully I'll get something up soon! I've just been very stressed and as I said earlier, depressed; my one friend went on hiatus, my crush doesn't like me back and i think is ignoring me, and my other friends barely talk to me.
I've honestly been thinking about killing myself a lot tbh, especially since today three years ago was very hard for me- my house burned down, and i almost died because 1. I didn't wake up and 2. I got stuck inside. So yeah. Also my ex girlfriend got in contact with me again after really fucking me up almost two years ago. So ive been kind of all over the place lately.
Oof in any case, I've just been extremely sad lately and i just hope it doesn't affect my writing. I love you guys. I hope to post more of this AU soon. ♡
Chapter 23: HEY
YOOOO, I'M STILL ALIVE AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I DID START WRITING SOME OF THE SEQUEL LAST NIGHT!!
I honestly wasn't going to, but the new comeback fuelled some new ideas!! More specifically the truth untold as that's my favorite song off ly tear, BUT ANYWAYS, yeah!!!
The way I was writing it was not at all how I planned and definitely not how I might have described. It's going to be angsty again, bc that's all I can write ffs, but anyways, I'm just here to say I'm working on it and it may or not be up soon, that all depends on my schedule and whether or not I want to finish writing it completely before I post it.
It also probably won't be very long since I'm already working on a very long fic (idk if anyone would read it, it's a fullmetal alchemist fic but with a tokyo ghoul style au) and stuff, so I'm a bit busy.
Oh and whether or not i post it also depends on my mood too, as I have been depressed ever since my crush kind of low key rejected me, and now all my cats keep getting sick and dying, my friends are kinda leaving me and shit and basically everything isn't going well.
Oh, and as for happy, I think I might just be almost done with that and it probably will be up soon !!!! ILY GUYS ♡
P.S. does anyone play ddlc? That game has been fucking haunting me for two days and it's resulting in lack of sleep (on top of how little I sleep anyway). It got me scared tbh ! Oof-
Chapter 24: Update.
So it's been like 5 months. remember the sequel I was going to write? yeah, that was a flop- it wasn't very good, it had like no plot, and I never made time for it. I miss writing this verse. Like a lot. I'm very proud of it and think that, besides happy, this is the best thing I've written. So I've decided something.
Either an alternate version based on the other half of the theory that deals with like angel/demon wars or whatever, or...
A REWRITE. Not a 100% rewrite, but like a fixed up, heavily edited version with more stuff. I would like to add, remove, change, and slightly fix/alter some things.
THINGS I'D LIKE TO CHANGE:
- title. I'm not 100% happy with this title anymore and I'd like to change it on the new version as the full title is very long. Maybe just "You Never Walk Alone", or something else. Maybe you can suggest something?
- Jimin's suicide attempt part. I feel like the way I had him attempt suicide was a bit annoying and it didn't work well. Honestly, Hoseok's pills shouldn't have been there anymore and I knew that. Jimin wouldn't have been able to overdose on them because realistically they would have been taken and thrown out by the others. The only reason he was in the tub was because of the I Need U MV, which their attempts and accidents were based on. If Jimin attempted suicide in this, he more than likely would have tried to bleed himself to death since he's had an issue with cutting.
- Yoongi's attempt(?). The fire thing was a bit too cringe-worthy in my opinion. Originally, I had planned for Yoongi to actually set either his apartment or a motel room on fire after thinking that Jimin was dead, but for some reason I changed it to the studio and rushed through it?? I think it'd be better if the fire was an accident, actually.
- Some other small scenes, some dialogue, especially between Taehyung and his father, Yoongi and Jimin, etc.
- I'm thinking about changing the fact that Hoseok liked Taemin and Taemin asked him out. Reason below.
THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO ADD:
- More scenes between Taehyung and Jungkook, Taehyung and Namjoon, Yoongi and Jungkook, etc
- More scenes between Jimin and Hoseok since there's like only one and there's supposed to be more, like the theory and MVs.
- More scenes featuring Namjoon and Jungkook, respectively. There aren't a lot of them because they were harder for me to write.
- More scenes featuring the others, respectively.
- More scenes about Taehyung and Hoseok together. They didn't have many.
- More scenes between Jimin and Jungkook and perhaps a kiss and/or confession from Jungkook (jikook is my least favorite of the ships featured and I kind of ignored them when I shouldn't have. I'll suck it up for you guys).
- Bonus scenes with Jin? And Jin with Namjoon? Maybe one with Hoseok and Taemin depending on what else I decide to do?
- More backstory, especially Jin's, Hoseok's, and Namjoon's, since we know a bit about Taehyung's, Jungkook's, Jimin's and Yoongi's.
- An accident or something of the like for Namjoon possibly. He didn't get much of one– his car was just stolen and he broke down. I need the angst ??
- More scenes between Taehyung and Taeyeon.
- Perhaps some parts where the boys meet Taeyeon and perhaps Hoseok falls for her since he likes her brother and they look alike ??? (That's why I might change the Taemin thing but I'm still unsure).
- Some extra scenes to break up the accidents and attempts a bit.
- I'd like to add more scenes about Jimin not eating and collapsing as a result. (I got this idea while watching criminal minds last night lmao.)
- Other things about Jungkook and his parents probably.
- More scenes with the boys coming together (maybe sitting around a fire like in the MVs, etc), more with them drifting apart in the beginning.
- A few extra things.
THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO FIX/ALTER:
- Jimin's backstory, mostly. A bit of the others', as well.
- Jin's suicide note. I may change it back to the original one I wrote for him.
- Jimin's suicide note. It could use some editing, I think.
- The "Namjoon got his car stolen" part.
- The "Taehyung jumps off the structure" part. I'd like to expand on it some.
- Hoseok's overdose and hospital scenes. I'd like to add to them.
- Other scenes, especially ones about Jimin not eating.
- Jin's explanation.
- A few other things, mostly minor things.
As of right now, I don't have much I'd like to remove. Maybe where Yoongi writes lyrics, or where he burns his old shit. Those scenes weren't needed.
Let me know what you guys think! Is it worth redoing? Anyone wanna read it?
If I decide to, it'll be a separate work from this one.
Have any ideas? Tell me!!