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Three Love-Sick Dorks Make a Bet

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It all started with three dorks. Three love-sick dorks, that is. They had been “in love” and enjoying the relationship they had built with one another for over a year.  It was the Christmas later in that year that the ridiculous trio came up with the idea of the bet.


It happened to be a very cold but still lovely white Christmas. Bilbo’s adorable nose wiggled at the chill which caused the small hobbit to wake from his slumber. His eyes peaked at the window to see that it had indeed snowed quite a bit overnight. It made him smile. Snow was not exactly his favorite but the one day he allowed it was Christmas. Not that it always listened.

He slowly rose from the position he had in the bed, trying not to disturb his incredibly sleepy dwarves who were probably going to wake up with hangovers because the three drank way too much at their Christmas Eve dinner they had shared with the rest of the company the night before. Bilbo was fine though. It takes a lot to knock out Bilbo Baggins.

Quietly he made his way downstairs to the kitchen to cook their Christmas breakfast, for it was their actual first Christmas morning together in their home. Yes, Thorin called it home too despite that he technically wasn’t living there. Honestly, there wasn’t enough room for his stuff, but that was a conversation for another time. 

Today Bilbo was too excited that the three were all together in their home at Christmas. Their first had Thorin out of the country and their second had them all in Hobbiton sharing Bag End with every one of Bilbo’s relatives. Many of the fauntlings loved using both dwarves as their bed for the night. Thorin and Dwalin were flattered, but found themselves unable to sleep as each restless babe tossed and turned. The memory made Bilbo giggle to himself as he began preparing the morning feast along with the turkey that he would be serving later for dinner.

He hoped his loves weren’t going to sleep the day away. He was anxious to give them their gifts. Foolish hobbit, he shouldn’t have let them drink so much. Well, I suppose with the three of them working constantly it was alright to have them indulge for the night. In fact they had two weeks before they had to go back to work so really they could have a few more nights of indulging. Bilbo was looking forward to it really. Yes, he had many plans to indulge his dwarves.

Bilbo had more than enough time to prepare breakfast. He was practically finished before he heard Thorin’s bold footsteps make their way toward the kitchen. He was sitting by the window wrapped up in his favorite quilt sipping his morning tea when he felt strong arms embrace him from behind and a bearded cheek tickling his ears.

“Can you not even sleep in when it is a holiday? How long have you been awake, love?”

He voice was deep yet groggy. He wasn’t as hungover as Bilbo thought but still he could sense his love was not feeling his best.

“I had to prepare breakfast for my sleepy drunken dwarves!” he smiled turning his head to nuzzle Thorin’s nose with his own, “Happy Christmas my darling. What would you like? There’s coffee and tea and I made cranberry and almond muffins as well as pumpkin scones. There’s also French toast with sticky toffee walnuts and scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. I also have bacon and sausage for the great oaf unless you’d like to steal some for yourself first.”

To Thorin it all sounded mouthwatering, but he found he quickly forgot about food as he stared longingly into his beloved’s hazel eyes.

“I’d like to start with a kiss from my favorite hobbit,” he smirked as he lowered his face down towards Bilbo’s. The hobbit smirking back slipped his arms around his dwarf’s neck wrapping the both of them with the quilt before pressing his soft full lips to Thorin’s.

Thorin was very often affectionate in the mornings and this being a holiday he was being even more affectionate than normal. Bilbo certainly wasn’t complaining as they deepened their kiss. He enjoyed lazy mornings, but one thing he certainly didn’t enjoy was hearing Thorin’s stomach rumbling.

Breaking the kiss the hobbit immediately went to the table and grabbed the basket of muffins and shoving them into Thorin’s hands then moved said dwarf to the table as he pulled the food from the stove and fixed him a plate. When the dwarf made a sound of protest the hobbit merely informed him that they had plenty of time to satisfy that hunger but for now actual food was what the hobbit wished to serve.

After the two finished a portion of their meal they decided to check in on their other half. Dwalin had been out for a lot longer than expected and while neither considered that he was actually dead Thorin certainly wouldn’t have been surprised for Dwalin had more than enough of his share of drink the previous night.

Before they even entered the bedroom they could very well tell he wasn’t dead. His snoring, however, was loud enough to wake the dead.  While normally it bothered the hobbit, today Bilbo found it endearing. He climbed into bed beside his burly dwarf and rolled him over to face him. He lovingly kissed his face and whispered in his ear, “Wake up, baby, it’s Christmas.”

Grunts and groans could be heard from the bald dwarf.

“C’mon, baby. You don’t have even have to get dressed yet. I’ve made all kinds of lovely food for you. Not to mention I still have your present. Be a good dwarf and wake up. Thorin and I would like to give and get some Christmas kisses!”

Dwalin only grumbled more and wrapped an arm around Bilbo and rolled the two of them to the other side of the bed.

“Five more minutes, that’s all I want for Christmas, “He grumbled putting his nose to Bilbo’s curls and breathing in the hobbit’s sweet scent, “Is that muffins I smell? And French toast? And bacon?!” Dwalin began giggling away as he wrapped Bilbo tighter. When he turned them once more so that he was lying on top of Bilbo, the wee hobbit began his shouts of protest.

“Oh! You big oaf! You know how important this breakfast was to me! I want you to get up right now! Get off me! I will get you for this you son of a-“

“Oye! That’s no way to talk in front of Thorin! On Christmas! What would your relatives say?” Turning toward Thorin, who was merely witnessing the charade with his hands on his hips, Dwalin reached out with his great big hand and dragged his raven haired lover closer to him giving him a kiss, “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas. You better let him up soon. You know I can’t save you from his wrath.”

“Jus’ havin’ a bit of fun. He knows that. So did you find out what he got me?”  

“I heard that! Thorin, don’t you tell him a thing or I am never feeding either of you again! Dwalin, you will get off me this instant and join us for breakfast or so help me!”

Thorin and Dwalin could only chuckle at watching their hobbit's small limbs move about trying to push Dwalin off of him. The large bald dwarf eventually got up but made sure to lift the struggling hobbit over his shoulder and held him there while he moved to the bathroom to quickly brush his teeth and even wash his face all the while Bilbo kicked and wailed to put him down.

He didn’t end up putting poor Bilbo down until they went back to the kitchen and he didn’t even let him go until Thorin handed him a full plate and he sat down at the table.

“And just for that, you silly dwarf, you will get your present last today!” Bilbo exclaimed reaching out and pouring himself another cup of tea and putting his nose to the air.

Thorin smiling took another gulp of his coffee before he responded, “So in other words he’s getting his present after me?” Dwalin’s laugh became more of a roar as bits of breakfast came shooting from his mouth.

“You keep that up and both of you won’t be getting your presents ‘til next Christmas! I mean it!” he grinned rising from the table. Before he could move away from the table Dwalin had grabbed him once more and set the hobbit on his lap squeezing him tight. He begged and pleaded for his dear love not to withhold his and Thorin’s gifts. When Bilbo couldn’t hold his laughter in anymore he gave the goofy dwarf a big kiss and ate the offered piece of bacon Thorin snatched from Dwalin’s plate. The hobbit couldn’t help licking the leftover bacon grease from the dwarf’s fingers as he ate the delicious breakfast meat.

When the two found themselves making out while Bilbo was still sitting on Dwalin’s lap, the stronger dwarf made the suggestion to move the fun to the couch. This only caused the hobbit to hop from his spot to exclaim, “Yes! Time for presents!”

Thorin looked to his longtime friend and shook his head, “Bedroom, idiot, bedroom!”

“It’s your fault! Yer kiss obviously wasn’t good enough to keep him in the mood!”

As the two meandered into the living room, Bilbo was already under their large and spectacularly decorated Christmas tree looking through the pile of presents that had been left there.  He picked up a long flat box that was covered in blue and silver wrapping paper with a large glittery bow and handed it to Thorin.

“To you from me! Happy Christmas darling!”

Thorin opened it to find a large map of the world that had been framed. It was lovely but Thorin felt he missed something for there was no glass to protect the map. The hobbit merely smiled at him and handed him a coin. You’ll need this, scratch it across England.”

“I don’t want to ruin the map.”

“You won’t. In fact you’ll make it better.”

Puzzled, Thorin took the coin in hand and scratched it over the country and it revealed a beautiful array of colors. Looking back up to Bilbo, the hobbit explained that it was a map where you scratched off the places that you visited. It was a sort of a to-do list but with countries to visit. Since Thorin had traveled quite a bit due to his job he had many countries he could scratch off. Seeing the beauty of the gift the dwarf threw his arms around Bilbo and expressly thanked him with kisses and a few nibbles on an ear. As Bilbo shooed him away he suddenly pulled him back quickly once more.

“Hold on! This is also from me and Dwalin,” he smiled handing him a smaller box with a red ribbon. Untying the ribbon and opening the lid he found a beautiful golden compass with an engraving on the outside that read “Not all those who wander are lost”.

“You lose your way once and it’s never forgotten,” he smiled looking to a blushed hobbit.

“Twice darling, remember?” Bilbo’s giggle had him blushing fervently.

“Open it,” Dwalin muttered. Inside of the locket was a gorgeously crafted compass and on the inside of the lid a picture of Bilbo and Dwalin…naked, “That part was my idea! Ya know in case you get lost and you’re scared and you need some inspiration to keep ya going,” the bald headed dwarf grinned as he winked at him.

Thorin moved to where Dwalin lay on the couch and gave him a long and deep kiss as thanks, “You may not be the best gift giver but no one can deny the thought you put into your gifts.”

“Oye! What’s that mean?! I give great gifts!”

“Oh yeah? Bilbo what did you get from Dwalin?”

“A coupon for a full body massage…from Dwalin Fundinson,” Bilbo read from a small card that was tucked into an envelope, “Oh! And a picture of Dwalin lying on a bed naked with a rose in his mouth,” he finished holding up the picture for Thorin to see.

Dwalin shrugged his shoulders and stretched out his arms, “What?! I thought you liked flowers!”

“I do, Dwalin, you are right and I thank you for your lovely gift,” the hobbit smiled also giving his dwarf a kiss and sitting on his lap once more, “Here is yours! I hope you like it,” He handed him a big flat package covered in candy cane striped paper and moving to the side so he could open it without difficulty.

The box was large and shiny. Clearly Bilbo had spent a lot of money on his gift. When he removed the lid and pushed aside the tissue paper an impressively stunning leather coat was revealed. Although Dwalin knew it wasn’t just any leather coat. It was his father’s fighter jacket from his time in the war.


He remembered when he first found it in his father’s closet as a dwarfling. It not being in the best condition he assumed he could use it for his playtime and found himself playing a pilot. When his father discovered him wearing it, he was not angry but still informed young Dwalin of its significance and proceeded to tell his son a story of two of his time in the war. As he watched his father hang the jacket back up in the closet he knew then he too wanted to be a pilot just like his dad, but he was devastated when he discovered his poor eye sight was not good enough for him to become a pilot.

The day before Thorin had left for University and Dwalin thought this would be his shot at a decent future. Holding the rejection letter in hand he sat outside the house with his head hung. Eventually his father joined him and said nothing. He wasn’t sure how long but at one point he put a hand to Dwalin’s shoulder and asked him if he wouldn’t mind giving him a hand building a shelf for the living room.

A few months later Dwalin’s parents had perished in a car accident. Looking back the whole affair was a blur, but the one thing he did remember was when he and Balin met with the lawyers who informed them of his parent’s wishes and who was inheriting what. His parents didn’t have much of a fortune but none of it was important to Dwalin. He would give it all up to have them back. He was shocked as ever when the lawyer announced that there was a particular item left for him alone.


“My father’s jacket,” he whispered with tears filling his eyes, “You had it fixed.”

“Not exactly, I just had it patched up a bit. My friend Bluebell is wonderful with a needle. It’s all the same material; she didn’t have to add a thing except new stitching! I thought about having it framed like Thorin’s map,” he paused, “But I thought you might like to wear it when spring comes.”  Since Dwalin inherited the jacket, like his father, he too kept it in the closet mostly because he was too scared to wear it and ruin it. When Bilbo discovered it after first moving in with Dwalin he knew that there would be an occasion where he could have the jacket fixed up so that the broad dwarf could wear it once more.

Dwalin didn’t know what to say. How could he come up with an appropriate way to express his gratitude?  He carefully placed the jacket back in the box staying silent. His tears however weren’t so shy. Both Thorin and Bilbo looked to each other. They both had known Dwalin long enough to know what it meant when he was quiet.

Bilbo tucked himself back into the the dwarf’s muscled torso and rest his head on his shoulder as Thorin casually moved to the other side taking the calloused hand into his own.

“Ya know when the lawyers told me I was gettin’ the jacket I really was shocked, “ he gasped as a few tears fell, “I thought since Balin was actually in the military he would get it instead, but Balin told me that Dad had always meant to give it to me. No matter what I did and where I went he wanted me to have it.”

He found at that moment he couldn’t move. All he wanted at that time was to have the two beings he loved most at his side.  

“Oh Dwalin I’m so sorry. The gift was meant to put you in good spirits. Now I feel you are more melancholy than ever.” Bilbo sighed touching his love’s cheek, but Dwalin merely took his hand into his and held it tightly.

“No, I’m not sad, Bilbo. This is the most wonderful gift I’ve ever gotten. I just don’t know how I could ever properly thank you for this or what I could do to repay you. You just keep on surprisingly me, Bilbo Baggins.”

As this the hobbit wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. He would never admit it but he too shed some tears. He loved his big oaf so much.

“Oh baby your love is all I need and perhaps a body massage,” he smiled seductively. Then as quickly as he had his smile it vanished, “Oh! But wait! We didn’t see Thorin’s present to you, baby!”

Dwalin still holding onto Thorin’s hand looked into his deep blue eyes, “Well?”

“I got you the tools you wanted. They’re in your workshop.”



“I love you too. You know?”

“Course I do.”

“Then get over here.”


In a second both Thorin and Dwalin were making out like mad men. Bilbo shook his head but he admitted he always got hot seeing the two of them together. They had a crazy passion to their love making. Bilbo couldn’t understand how they did tear each other apart. He tutted at the spectacle they were making and even scolded Thorin for not wrapping his gift to Dwalin but it was no use. Once the two of them got going there was only one way to stop them.

“Alright you crazy love-sick dwarves, we’ve only a few more hours til Drogo, Prim, and Frodo come for dinner.

Despite the quick build up they took their time. Many kisses and tongues were shared before removal of clothing followed by lots of touching and massaging. The positions were exhilarating and sometimes required them to move to the soft carpet. Bilbo of course had a ride in each lap. Dwalin got a taste of both of his loves. Thorin took and was taken as well as having his hair constantly grabbed and tugged on. In the end it was the three of them completely nude, covered in sweat and each other’s seed, and entangled in ways they never thought they could be. Bilbo was the first one to find words.

“We’ve should’ve skipped breakfast and started with this.”

Both Thorin and Dwalin turned their heads to look at him and suddenly began their protests of the importance of food and how it was important to help keep up one’s strength and how you can’t start your day with an empty stomach. Bilbo silenced them with more kisses and possibly a quick blowjob.

They eventually cleaned themselves and the living room up and an hour later welcomed Bilbo’s cousin Drogo, his wife Prim, and little Frodo. The wee hobbit immediate ran up to what he called his “uncles” and showed them the new toys he got from Santa which caused Dwalin to pick him and carry him over to the tree where more presents were there waiting for him.

After opening a few gifts they all had Christmas dinner which included the turkey Bilbo had begun that morning. By the time the hobbit family left Frodo was out cold on Thorin’s shoulder as he carried him to the car.

It was not until they were cleaning up that the bet would be introduced.

“Do you really think Frodo liked the toys I got him?” Thorin asked as he was washing the dishes. “Of course he did! He played with them the whole time! Why do you ask?” Bilbo puzzled as he wiped down the dining room table and set up the centerpiece that belonged there.

“He seemed to be more excited about the bed Dwalin made him.”

“Of course he was! I carved it so it looks like a dragon! Told you I give great presents!”

“Excuse me! I believe I gave you the idea for that!” Bilbo chimed in.

“So ya agree with Thorin that I give bad gifts?”

“They’re not bad gifts, baby, they’re just you! It’s your style to go the, uh, unusual route.”

“Just because I don’t spent loads of money on them doesn’t mean they’re the worst! Admit it! You love that full body massage coupon!”

“It’s not about the money you spend, it’s the thought! Think about it. You must admit me getting your father’s coat fixed was a great idea. It was something important to you and I knew you’d love it.”

“Well spending some money also helps! The suite I rented for you two for that weekend wasn’t free!” Thorin added as he dried his hands.

Dwalin folded his arms across his chest and pouted. They weren’t admitting it but he knew that they thought he was the worst at giving presents which to him made no sense. He may not be as brilliant as the other two but he still got some good ideas. It was then that he got another idea.

“Alright that does it! We’re goin’ to have a contest! We’re going to determine who gives the best gift!”

“WHAT,” Both Thorin and Bilbo shouted. It was a ludicrous notion.

“Ah relax, it’s just for fun! We’ll start at this upcoming year! At each holiday and birthday we’ll look at what each of us has given and by Christmas next year we’ll decide who won!”

“Well hold on Dwalin this is going a bit far. If we’re going to do this let’s make it easier. Why don’t we just stick with birthdays?”

Thorin held up both hands, “Wait a minute! We’re not actually doing this?”

“What’s a matter, Thorin? ‘Fraid you’ll lose?” Dwalin smirked. He knew how to play his best friend.

“Okay, Fundinson, you’re on! And I’m going to win!”

“That is if I don’t kick yer pretty arse first.”

“Oh you both are idiots! This is a ridiculous waste of time,” Bilbo shook his head, “Because we all know I’m going to win! I’ve proven it already!”

At this the dwarves tackled their fussy little hobbit. Dwalin tickled his feet while Thorin attacked his sides. The hobbit couldn’t stop laughing. Sure it was a silly game to play but when it came to playing with Dwalin Fundinson and Thorin Oakenshield, win or lose; Bilbo Baggins always came out on top.

Chapter Text

Despite that Dwalin’s birthday was only nine days after the bet was placed it only took only six for the trio to bring up the subject again.  It was on New Year’s Eve while Bilbo, Thorin, and Dwalin were getting ready to go out that the hobbit made mention of it.

“I thought Nori was waitin’ until my birthday to have a party. Why is he havin’ one tonight?” Dwalin grunted as he tried on another dress shirt, “And why do I have to get gussied up for it? When I built his bar I designed it to be casual!”

Bilbo walked out of the closet with several different waist coats and stood before a large mirror holding each one up to the shirt he was wearing. Seeing Dwalin’s reflection in the mirror he tutted to him before turned toward his gruff dwarf, “Not that shirt. Wear the black one.”

Dwalin took a step back furrowing his eyebrows, “What’s wrong with this shirt?”

“Everything, I honestly don’t understand why you still have it,” He sighed looking back to the mirror, “Nori said he wanted to have a New Year’s Eve party and that he would be willing to close the bar on your birthday for a party but that doesn’t mean we’re having one there. Also, you may have designed the bar to be casual but in the end it is Nori’s bar so he can use it however he pleases. Now quit your whining and please get that shirt out of my sight.”

At this Thorin walked into the bedroom from the bathroom having just finished combing his hair. As he snuck up behind Bilbo he took notice of his raven locks in the mirror once more before tapping on red waste coat in the hobbit’s hand.  Bilbo looked to him raising an eyebrow. When the dwarf gave an affirmative nod he smiled and kissed his cheek.

“He’s right, that shirt is awful. What made you think we’d have a party for you at Nori’s considering the display you made when we had one for Bilbo?” Thorin questioned before making his way into the walk-in closet.

“Oye! Everyone was drunk that night! It was a great party!”

“Yes except I was the only one that didn’t drink myself into a coma. I’m sorry Thorin, but you weren’t any better.”

“At least I didn’t start taking my clothes off. I passed out at the table like everyone else!” he smirked looking to Dwalin and handing him the black shirt mentioned earlier.

“It was Bilbo’s birthday! I was giving him his present!”

“You being naked is a gift, baby, but one I like to admire behind closed doors and not with the rest of the company there to witness. I think you scared poor Ori for life.”

Thorin laughed, “Actually I think he was blushing the entire time.”

“Speaking of gifts, Dwalin, neither Thorin nor I are planning a party for you for the bet so you can get the idea out of your head!”

“How do you know that’s not what I’m planning?” Thorin slyly asked folding his arms across his chest.

Bilbo turned and merely looked at his dwarf in the eye. As he lowered his eyes Thorin lowered his arms in defeat.

“You’re right I did not.”

After Bilbo finished buttoning his waste coat and Thorin checked his hair for the hundredth time did they both notice Dwalin still lagging behind. Bilbo decided to button up and tuck in his shirt while Thorin managed to slide proper shoes onto his loves’ feet.  It wasn’t easy getting their dwarf dressed but they did it.

An hour later they found themselves sipping (yes sipping) drinks and talking with their friends. Bombur had some plans for his restaurant that Bofur and Bifur were helping with, Gloin was dealing with his son becoming a teenager, Oin was still practicing medicine, Fili was finishing up college and hoping to spend a year abroad despite protests from his mother and his uncle, and Kili was still being his young and adventurous self.

It was a couple hours later that the three found themselves sitting at the bar talking with one another when the hobbit, a little tipsy, started going over the bet.

“Baby, I don’t understand why you’d want a party here…well I mean I can understand it, I’m having a marvelous time! But wouldn’t you be more happy with a private party just the three of us?” He slurred before squeaking out a loud hiccup, “After all we have a bet to settle!”

Thorin grinned at his hobbit and placed a kiss on his ears, “He’s right but you do know we technically haven’t made a bet?  A bet usually requires a wager and none of us have really done that.”

Dwalin was resting his head on his hand and shrugged, “I thought we were going for bragging rights, but you wanna up the ante, Oakenshield, I’m game.”

“Very well, I say if I win both you and Bilbo will have to wash my car for the next year,” He smirked as he helped a swaying Bilbo onto Dwalin’s lap.

The hobbit leaned against his bald dwarf and looked up at him raising his eyebrows comically, “I think we can take him!” Keeping an arm wrapped around his drunken hobbit he used the other to take Thorin’s hand to shake. He then looked down to the hobbit and asked him what he wished for out of this bet. After many unmannerly sexual suggestions that they already do on a weekly basis Bilbo settled on a hot tub that Dwalin would install and Thorin would clean and keep up for a year. Finally it came to Dwalin who had a different idea.

“I want the both of you to lay off of my wardrobe choices for a year.”

Both looked at their lover a little confused.

“That’s right! For a whole year you can’t say anything about the clothes I want to wear!”

Thorin and Bilbo laughed but each shook hands. The terms had been settled and it would start on Dwalin’s birthday and end at Bilbo’s. They weren’t quite sure how they were going to decide but settled on figuring it out as they went.


Three days later the fun indeed did begin. At least that’s what Dwalin thought. It turned out it wasn’t so much. Thorin had been called away two days prior. Apparently there had been a situation at a hotel that needed his immediate attention. The tattooed dwarf couldn’t remember the last time he was so mad. It was his birthday!

He found himself sitting at the dinner table sulking as he picked at his “mostly meat meal” that Bilbo had made for his birthday dinner. It was the only time Bilbo gave the okay of no vegetables and still Dwalin was not satisfied.

“C’mon baby. I know you’re upset that Thorin isn’t here, I am too, but you can’t spend your birthday sulking,” he calmly spoke putting a hand to his cheek, “At least eat the steak. I’m awfully proud of how it turned out. And afterward we can open up your present! I’m awfully proud of that as well. I think I’ll win the bet for sure with my gift!”

Dwalin just grunted. He didn’t care about the bet. He’d give up now just to have Thorin there. He did manage to finish off his plate and let Bilbo massage his tense shoulders on the couch before he went back to being a big grump.

Desperate to cheer his love up Bilbo had an idea. He dressed into only his dressing gown and cut up a huge slice of the birthday cake he had made and displayed himself provocatively in the living room doorway asking Dwalin if he’d “like a piece”. While it didn’t quite get the reaction Bilbo wanted it got Dwalin off the couch and into the bedroom…where Bilbo kept his gift.

In the bedroom the three shared there was a small closet that really was too small. They still had the walk-in but only because of the small closet. The worst part about it was that it was originally even smaller and Dwalin had only remodeled it to be slightly bigger. It was pretty useless. The three constantly fought over what to do with it except now Bilbo finally had a solution. Little did he know that Thorin would almost ruin his plans.


Earlier that day Bilbo got home from work. He wanted an early start to set up dinner and Dwalin’s cake; he also needed to set up his present…which was the closet. He was planning to make it their “sex closet” so to speak. While the three had already their share of toys, clothes, and equipment they really didn’t have a place to keep them besides under the bed and the nightstand so Bilbo thought it would be practical not to mention fun to keep their “things” in the unused closet. He even thought to spice things up by covering the shelves with black velvet and putting up hooks to hang up certain items.

Bilbo was quite pleased with himself. He had had everything planned out he just needed to put it all together, but when he entered the bedroom he found a sprinkle of rose petals. Following the trail he discovered they led to the door to the small closet. Once he opened that door he found Thorin naked sitting in a chair with his hands handcuffed behind his back and a red ribbon tied around him with a sign saying “Happy Birthday Dwalin”. The hobbit didn’t quite know what to say.

“Oh, not Dwalin,” Thorin said his eyes as wide as dinner plates.


“I may have, um, paid someone to help me.”


“I, uh, promised him I wouldn’t tell.”

“It was Balin, wasn’t it?”

“I promised I wouldn’t say. What are you doing home so early?”

“I too was planning Dwalin’s gift. I was going to make this closet our place to keep our sex stuff.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“I know. Yours isn’t bad either. You do know though that Dwalin will be mad that you lied to him about leaving?”

“Not if it was to surprise him this way.”

“You know I can just roll you on out to the backyard and leave you there ‘til morning.”

“I can always scream for help.”

“If you really want the neighbors to find you in this state and tell the papers be my guest.”

“Or we can join forces.”


When Dwalin opened the door to the bedroom he too found a path of rose petals leading to the small closet. At that moment you wouldn’t have even known the dwarf was behaving like a child at dinner. Bilbo only smirked when Dwalin looked to him. Like the hobbit the buff dwarf followed the petals and he practically melted when he opened the door to find Thorin in the closet just like Bilbo did hours ago although this time the closet was now set up just as the small hobbit wished.

It was perfect. It was exactly the kind of gift Dwalin appreciated. And yes, he was a little angry that Thorin made up a lie to go out of town only to surprise him for his birthday but he really did consider Thorin and Bilbo his greatest gifts, and the fact that they were all going to be together on his birthday was more than he could ask for. He also did enjoy the new use for the closet.

Thorin didn’t have the handcuffs on for long, but it was long enough for Dwalin to enjoy and he did enjoy every position he possibly could. Eventually they did take a break to sing to the burly dwarf and eat some cake before they continued their fun, but all of them  being of an older age they couldn’t last all night, so they spent most of it talking.

Bilbo lay completely nude on top of Dwalin resting his head on his crossed arms. He looked at Dwalin as he was watching Thorin massage Bilbo’s feet.

“So who won?”

Dwalin confused looked to his hobbit, “Who won what?”

The hobbit couldn’t stop the frown that formed on his face, “The bet silly! Who won this round, me or Thorin?”

At this the dwarf paused he honestly didn’t think about it. He liked both ideas. Thorin’s was clever but it started by him being duped. Bilbo’s was practical and fun but honestly wouldn’t have been as fun if Thorin wasn’t in the made-up closet.

“It’s a tie.”


“Couldn’t possibly decide; you both win.”

Dwalin couldn’t stop himself laughing as his lovers began a tirade of arguments as to whose gift was the best. The dwarf had to remind them that it was their combined efforts that made each gift what it was and that one without the other wouldn’t have been the same. This was enough to silence them and snuggle closer to their big muscled oaf. There was no reason to keep arguing after all there were two more birthdays to go.

Chapter Text

Thorin’s birthday being in August made the bet for Dwalin and Bilbo easier yet difficult at the same time. Easy because there were plenty of months to plan something victorious and yet there were too many months to wait to make said plans come to fruition. That didn’t stop each of them from giving each other outrageous gifts for other occasions.

Dwalin took a page from Thorin’s book and waited for his loves naked this time on the living room rug in front of the fireplace with whipped cream covering certain areas for Valentine’s Day (Bilbo was pleased yet angry at the stains left on the rug). On Easter, Thorin had surprised Bilbo with a newly designed garden complete with a small koi pond built by Dwalin (Bilbo was pleased yet angry that Dwalin posed beside said pond naked and wearing bunny ears where it was possible for the neighbors to see). Bilbo decided that for the anniversary of their first night together he would treat both of his dwarves to an overnight camping trip where the Bilbo cooked a romantic campfire dinner after fishing from the lake and later after some smores three made love under the stars (Bilbo, Thorin, and Dwalin were pleased many many times).

Despite the fun they had it was still difficult to plan for Thorin’s birthday. The dwarf’s work schedule being so unpredictable it was almost impossible for the trio to plan anything in advance. When Bilbo and Dwalin both finished filming their shows for the season they worked on getting tickets for a cruise the three could go on together during their summer break.

“No, I can’t do the weekend of the twenty-second; I’ll be at the Paris hotel. We haven’t been getting the numbers we’d hoped and Balin thinks we need to check up on them.” Thorin grimaced looking over his schedule.

Bilbo rolled his eyes resting his head on his hand as he flipped through the pages of his passion planner. When he reached the desired page he pressed his finger down on a particular date, “Well what about the second weekend in July?”

“To be honest I think I might still be in Paris and then I know I’m going to be sent to the New York location since that’s making more money than anticipated.”

“That makes no sense!” Dwalin barked, “If it’s making money why do ya still need to check it out?”

“To find out why it’s doing so well and then we have to make a plan for the rest of our hotels to follow so that they can improve as well. I don’t know why you’re getting so fussy, Dwalin, I told you my summer would be booked. It’s a popular time for vacation in case you hadn’t noticed!”

“I do know! I’m one of those beings that would like to take a vacation but I have a troll boyfriend that won’t take a few weeks off to go with me!”

“What do you want me to do? I’m sorry I don’t have the luxury of taking days off whenever I please!”

As the dwarves squabbled, Bilbo hopped down off of the stool he was sitting on and began heating the kettle to make some tea. He didn’t like where this conversation was heading and figured that tea might be able to calm them or at least shut them up for a while.

“Well I’m sorry his royal highness is too important to take some time off for us lowly beings,” Dwalin whined sarcastically as he bowed his head low as though he was a servant.

“That’s not what I…”

“Perhaps if my parents built an empire I could work constantly and not have a life even if it was staring me in the face asking me to go away with him.”

Bilbo jumped in front of Dwalin holding his hands up, “Dwalin enough already! Thorin is doing his best. We can’t ask for more than that!”

“Course not! We can’t ask the prince give up his throne! Heaven forbid he give any time to us!”

The yelling was silenced by the loud slam Thorin’s fists made as he pounded the dining room table. He then rose so quickly and fiercely from his chair it toppled over making another crashing sound.

“If you want to go on your damn boat trip so badly I don’t know why you and Bilbo just don’t go and leave me out of it! You two have no problem spending time together without me anyway!”

At this the hobbit turned on his heel to the raven haired dwarf wide eyed with his hands on his hips, “And what does that mean? If Dwalin and I do anything together without you it’s because you’re not here. It is a decision made by you not us. Why have you suddenly made this about Dwalin and me, Thorin? You’re the one that’s not making yourself available for this trip. What’s going on with you?”

Bilbo didn’t jump when the kettle finally whistled at its completion, but he did thump his feet loudly back to the kitchen to remove it from the flames. He didn’t bother making the tea. He was officially too upset to have anything.

Thorin calmed himself but the tense look on face showed he was still aggravated. He spoke his next words quietly but with passion and he knew he wasn’t able to look either in his loves’ eyes as he whispered, “I know you prefer each other over me. I know you love Dwalin more than me.”

The hobbit gasped out loud as he looked to Dwalin. The large dwarf could see tears forming in his eyes.

“Thorin Oakenshield you know very well that is not true. You know I love you just as much as Dwalin - just like he loves you just as much as me. We agreed that’s what our relationship was about - us all loving each other equally. I think you’re being a little unfair to us. We were just trying to plan a vacation with you because we love you and we want to spend as much of our time as we possibly can with you. That’s all we want, Thorin. We just want you,” The hobbit finished putting his head down and stepping away from both dwarves.

“If you can’t come with us then you can’t. I know how much your work means to you and your family, but please don’t say it’s because of us ever again- especially since it’s not true. Now please excuse me I’m a little tired and I think I’ll go to sleep. Dwalin, let’s just put this whole trip on hold. We’ll figure it out later,” he sobbed the last few words as he made his way to their bedroom. He really didn’t want to discuss it any further. He was heartbroken that Thorin felt less loved. Bilbo did everything in his power to make both of his dwarves happy and now he doubted everything he had ever done.

He undressed himself quickly determined to be asleep before either dwarf entered the room; if they decided they would come to bed. The hobbit then realized he actually might be sleeping alone that night. It shouldn’t have been so scary for him for he had spent most of his life sleeping alone yet he shivered at the thought. Ironically though, when he first met Dwalin he wasn’t sure that he would ever get used to sharing a bed yet here he was, in the biggest bed he ever slept in, and he was all alone. It was a sad last thought to have before one fell asleep and unfortunately for the small hobbit it was what he was thinking of before he sank into slumber.

To say Dwalin Fundinson was furious at Thorin was like saying Bilbo just liked cooking. No one would’ve been able to tell for he was still and silent; something Dwalin never was when he was just angry. Being this irate he was oddly silent, like a bomb that was only seconds away from explosion.


Thorin took a deep breath and gulped, “I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Yeah ya do. Ya wouldn’t have said that if ya didn’t believe it. Why do ya believe it?”

“I’m not sure. There are just times when we’re together and I see the two of you interact and I feel I’m just in the way. I just feel like sometimes you two would be happier without me.”

“This isn’t why ya work all the time, is it? Cause that’s ending right now! Thorin! If we weren’t happy with ya we wouldn’t be with ya sharin’ our lives!”

The dwarf could only drop his head in shame. He did know how much Bilbo and Dwalin loved him. He knew what they had was special and unlike anything he’d ever felt before. Perhaps it was time to make a change.

“No, it’s not the reason why I work so much, but you’re right, it does need to end. I should be able to take a vacation with the two beings I love most!”

Pleased Dwalin smirked and moved closer to his handsome dwarf putting his hands on his shoulders and bringing their foreheads together, “Then ya know what ya need to do and when ya finally do tell yer family to bugger off you’ll be happy to know that Bilbo and I will do everything we can to make sure you always feel loved.”

Bilbo was ecstatic when he woke what must have been several hours later feeling two warm bodies on each side of him. He opened his eyes just a crack and was surprised to see Thorin was completely awake and staring lovingly at him. The sleepy hobbit was only able to make a few muttering noises before he was hushed by the dwarf’s full lips against his in a sweet kiss.

“Shh it’s alright. I just wanted to say that I was sorry for what I said earlier. I know it’s my fault that I don’t spend enough time with the two of you and I’m going to take steps to change that. Go back to sleep, my love.”

It was the following morning that Thorin felt warmth on both sides of him but what he immediately recognized next was a small hobbit hand coveting the erection he now had as well a dwarf carefully caressing his backside.

“Good morning,” Bilbo smiled like he was doing nothing inappropriate at all, “We thought we’d give a proper wake-up call.”

“I’m awake.”

Bilbo giggled, “Yes I can feel that.”

“Bilbo, I’m sor-“

“Shhh, you apologized last night now Dwalin and I are forgiving you,” he finished by giving his dwarf a kiss.

“Yeah yer very lucky we love you,” Dwalin added turning Thorin’s head a bit so he could give him a breathtaking kiss.

Thorin sighed deeply as Bilbo’s hands worked their magic, “Indeed, If this is the treatment I’m receiving for forgiveness I can only imagine what I’ll be getting for my birthday.”


The next few months did get better for the trio. The rest of the Durins weren’t thrilled that Thorin requested less travel but at the same time were ecstatic that he was in a relationship that he was willing to fight for so they limited his trips to no more than two a year and that he would mostly stay at the London hotel taking control over things while still sitting in for board meetings.

The only condition was that he had to finish out his trips for the rest of his this year which meant he wasn’t able to take the summer cruise and he was going to be away for his birthday.

“Well shit.”


“No, I’m not mad I just don’t know what we’re gonna do now.”

“It’s not a big deal – we’ll celebrate his birthday when he comes back. Was the flight cancelled?”

“Yeah, there is another one though, but it’ll get us there late.”

“How late will it be?”

“We’ll technically miss his birthday.”

“Get the tickets anyway. It’ll make the surprise all the more fun!”

“Does this count as your gift?”

“Why baby? Are you worried? I think you should be. It is a great idea.”

“Oh no, sweet hobbit, I think it is you who should be worried,” Dwalin smiled as he printed out the flight information and went to grab his overnight bag that Bilbo already packed for him.

It was indeed midnight when a small hobbit walked into the grand Erebor Hotel in New York with the much taller and broader dwarf beside him. The two ridiculously enough were wearing sunglasses hoping not to be recognized but another older and familiar dwarf could spot them easily. They didn’t even make it to the front counter before Balin Fundinson blocked their way.

“You both do know yer technically late seeing as how it’s midnight and Thorin’s birthday was yesterday?” Balin grunted crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Bilbo flashed him the widest smile he could, “Balin! I’m glad we didn’t have to call, clearly you were expecting us!”

At this Dwalin coughed loudly looking to his brother, but the white haired dwarf could only shake his head and smirk back, “Well Dwalin did call but I had a very strong feelin’ you two were gonna show up…and so did the Lady Dís. She told me to tell you both that she’s expectin’ you all for breakfast so whatever yer plans are - and I don’t want to know - be sure to meet her in the dining room by nine.”

“Oye, Balin, ya couldn’t convince her to make it brunch?”

“Brother, do you recall anyone ever being able to change the great lady’s mind?”

The discussion was interrupted by Bilbo’s giggling. Whether the brothers ever admitted it openly Bilbo knew they loved each other and he was happy to see their playful banter. Having no siblings himself he found it all so amusing and lovely, “So where will we find Thorin? We do indeed have plans!”

“It’ll probably be best if I brought him to you. The suite is all ready for you, it’s the top floor, and it includes access to the pool on the roof,” he informed the two as they all walked to the closest elevator.

Bilbo couldn’t stop himself from giggling once more, “Gee, Balin, it almost seems like you enjoy delivering Thorin to us. I’d say you’re due for a raise,” he stated raising an eyebrow to the older dwarf. This caused said dwarf to pause stiffly and turn red before muttering, “He said he wouldn’t tell.”

“What are you two talkin’ about?” Dwalin asked furrowing his eyebrows.

Continuing to smirk Bilbo merely informed his love that it was just a joke while giving Balin a little wink as they traveled upward in the elevator to the top floor. When the doors opened they discovered the whole top floor was their accommodations. After showing them around and asking them nicely not to destroy anything during their “plans” Balin left them to get Thorin.

Thorin, however, did not wish to be disturbed.

“What is it, Balin? Nevermind, I don’t care, I’m too tired. This day has been horrible and now all I want to do is sleep.”

“Before you do, there’s an incident in the top floor suite.”

“What do you mean? We don’t have any guests staying there at the moment. It should be perfect.”

“We do now. They just arrived, they want to use the pool but say the heat isn’t working.”

“Well then get maintenance to check it out. If they want to talk to someone page Dís. She’s gets plenty of sleep now that the boys are grown. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.”

“They specifically asked for you.”

The exhausted dwarf let out the loudest groan. His birthday turned out to be awful and at the moment he was really missing his loves. He almost couldn’t wait for the year to be over so he could spend more time with them.

“Fine, I’ll go Balin! Thank you very much!” he shouted as he stomped out of the office throwing on his blazer and retying his necktie.

“You’re welcome,” Balin yelled loudly with a smile on face as he said quietly to himself, “That’s what you get for telling Bilbo I delivered you to my brother.”

By the time Thorin reached the top suite he was perfectly groomed and not looking at all like he wanted to kill these new guests. When the elevator opened he found no being in the suite but it sure looked like they already made themselves at home. Muttering to himself about what slobs these guests were he then made his way up to the stairs to the roof remembering there was an issue with the pool.

As soon as the cool night hair hit his face he heard laughing and splashing. Apparently these guests were now perfectly comfortable with the pool.

“Good evening, I’m Thorin Oakenshield, I’ve been informed you are having some issues with the heating in the pool…”

When he began talking the gruff dwarf didn’t even stop to look at the guests he was speaking to since he immediately headed to the controls. Once he noticed that everything was fine he heard a loud yet familiar cough.

“Oh yes! The pool is far too cold. We need an extra hot dwarf if it’s possible? We hear you come highly recommended,” Bilbo replied sweetly from a neon pink inner tube where he rested his head on his crossed arms. Dwalin was actually sitting in a blue one not too far from him and was of course completely nude.

It was so rare that Thorin Oakenshield smiled and this certainly was the perfect time for one. He didn’t think he could be any happier than he was in this particular moment.

“Well I’m not sure how much help I can be. The two of you seem hot enough. Perhaps I could try.”

“Oh please do! We could always use more, and you are quite smoldering,” Dwalin purred slipping off of the tube and moving closer to the edge of the pool.

“In that case…”


He didn’t even bother removing his clothes - he couldn’t wait a moment longer. Scooping Bilbo into his arms he rested his forehead to the hobbits’, “And how does this feel to you now?”

“Perfect, although you are a bit overdressed,” The hobbit seductively whispered as he began removing Thorin’s tie.

“Aye, too many clothes, they’re all coming off!” Dwalin barked as he removed Thorin’s blazer and shirt.

Bilbo began giving soft and gentle kisses to his face while he relieved his dwarf of his remaining garments and when he finally was free he wrapped an arm around each of his loves.

“Are you alright? Balin texted us that you were exhausted. We have the bed ready if you’d rather sleep,” Bilbo inquired running his hand through Thorin’s wet locks.

“I’m fine. As long as I’m in this one arms,” he said tugging Dwalin closer to him, “And you in my lap, I’ll be just fine,” he finished pulling Bilbo up as the hobbit wrapped his legs around him. Thorin was indeed exhausting but he couldn’t have a better reason to stay awake.

They weren’t in the pool for long, but it only meant they would have some time in the spacious shower that occupied the master bathroom. Thorin’s hair hadn’t quite dried by the time his loves put him to bed but he was far too blissful to care. He did have many questions for his loves and was about to ask when he was shushed by his hobbit and told to sleep.

The last thing he heard before drifting off to sleep were whispered by Dwalin, “Happy Birthday, sweet prince.”

It was very clear that the trio would not make breakfast with Dis, but knowing that this would happen, the great lady instead made it a brunch. Thorin woke feeling more relaxed than he had in months. For a moment he thought it was all a dream until he heard Bilbo’s giggle in the suite’s dining room.

When he joined them they were eating a lite breakfast with coffee and tea, but Thorin had two additional items at his place at the table; two gifts that is. Neither had a tag of which came from whom and when the dwarf raised an eyebrow to his loves they each merely sipped their own beverages without saying a word.

The first gift Thorin opened was a large rectangular shaped box wrapped in a dark purple paper with a light purple bow. Inside was a new laptop that had just come out a few days before. It was a hot ticket item that had beings from all over the world camp outside stores just to get it. Thorin didn’t know much about it but when he was instructed to turn it on he was happy to discover everything was already set up including Skype which made him happy since they all knew Thorin wouldn’t be returning home with them yet.

Thanking the secret gift giver he turned to the next gift which was slightly bigger but this time this gift was a shiny black box with a crimson ribbon. Raising an eyebrow to Dwalin Thorin opened the box to find a brand new tailored suit. It was a lovely deep blue. He had wanted a new suit but hadn’t had the time to look himself. He noticed there was also a new almost royal blue tie in the box as well as some cuff links.

A loud cough from Dwalin brought him out of his stupor, “Well? Which one do you like better?”

Thorin laughed, “Well to be honest I’m most happy that you both flew all the way here to visit me.”

“Yes! That was me!” Bilbo yelled pumping his little fist in the air.

“No! That counts for both of us!” Dwalin whined giving a wink to Thorin.

“I beg your pardon, it does not! You merely ordered the tickets!”

Ignoring the hobbit jokingly he turned his dwarf once more, “I bet out of these ones though you like the laptop, right? You can video chat with us! The camera is supposed to best one there is!”

“You got me the laptop?” Thorin asked wide eyed.

“Well, yeah, if you mean I got Kili to wait in line for one the other day.”

Bilbo could only shake his head, “How much did you pay him?”

“Enough to buy a laptop for himself.”

“OH!” both Thorin and Bilbo yelled at once. It being the best that laptop was certainly the most expensive. Dwalin clearly spent a lot on Thorin’s gift.

“I have to admit I thought you got me the suit; the black box with red ribbon and all.”

“That was why I wrapped it that way to throw you off! And it worked because I’m brilliant!” Bilbo smiled looking quite pleased with himself.

“I’m sorry Dwalin, but I really wanted the suit.”

“YES! THAT’S TWO FOR ME! I’VE GOT THIS BET WON!” Bilbo jumped up reaching for the teapot and lifting it in the air like a trophy.

Both dwarves couldn’t help but laugh at their adorable hobbit. Thorin scratched his head wondering, “What is the score? I’m not sure anymore.”

“You technically won my birthday and I suppose Bilbo gets the win for this one.” Dwalin rolled his eyes playfully as the hobbit tried to sneak in a kiss.

“Well what happens if you win at Bilbo’s birthday? Then we’ll be tied?” Thorin asked as he finished the last of his coffee. He was interested in seconds until he saw how playful his hobbit was starting to be with his spectacularly muscled dwarf. When Bilbo was able to give Dwalin a kiss it became incredibly passionate. Thorin could feel the heat fill the room.

Both of them gasped as the hobbit pulled away first. Dwalin gasped, “We’ll figure that out when it happens, right now I’d say it’s time for second breakfast,” he smirked winking to the fidgeting hobbit in his arms.

“Then I say we let the birthday boy be treated first. It’s only right,” he grinned looking to Thorin who had just turned made shades of red.

Celebrating Thorin’s birthday was indeed a long wait, but in the end, totally worth it.

Chapter Text

Peace for the trio didn’t last long after Thorin’s birthday, for Bilbo’s was to take place in just four short weeks. However, the incoming drama would not have anything to do with the bet at all. In fact Thorin and Dwalin discovered picking gifts for Bilbo’s birthday would end up being the least of their problems. While most beings would find it unimaginable for a relationship to come under fire in such little time, it would end up to be enough to almost end the trio’s relationship completely. 

It actually started a week or so after Thorin’s birthday. Bilbo found himself back from his summer vacation and at the studio meeting with the producers and writers to discuss the next season of his cooking show. It was same as usual; he would have his agent Dori at his side mostly because he knew the details of his contract and would stop the studio from having the hobbit take part in concepts that went against said contract. Ideas would be discussed, agreed or disagreed, and by the day’s end they would have an outline and begin preproduction.

Bilbo should’ve known though that trouble was coming when the president of the studio, Gandalf Greyhame, decided to sit in on this particular meeting. Usually when Gandalf showed up in any part of Bilbo’s life he would usually turn it upside down. Sitting at the large conference table with his passion planner and notebook of ideas open, his eyes widened seeing his old friend stroll into the room to sit in the seat opposite him.

“Alright what’s the bad news?” the hobbit sighed tossing down his pen.

“And good morning to you to Bilbo Baggins! What do you mean by talk of bad news? What on earth would make you think there’s bad news?” the gray haired man cheerfully replied after releasing a puff of smoke from his pipe.

“Oh! Knock it off, Gandalf. You only ever show up when something is about to change and it’s usually for the worse, so out with it!”

“Really Bilbo? After all these years that we’ve known each other do you honestly believe that I’m nothing more than a bringer of bad tidings? Oh dear me. I must say I feel a little hurt. After all did my encouraging you to start a catering service end up being bad news? Or what about me creating this show for you? I believe it’s brought you many great things; in front of and behind the camera.”

At this point the old man leaned forward putting his pipe down and folding his hands together adding a little wink and smirk afterward. Bilbo’s eyes couldn’t get any wider. Now he knew why his nickname was ‘The Wizard’; that old man always had plenty of tricks up his sleeves.

“Yes they did…after I had to suffer and slave away for months doing all of the work getting very little sleep and almost losing my life savings while you sit back and smoke your pipe and travel around the world!” Though it sounded awful, Bilbo had finished his ranting with a smirk of his own.

The way Gandalf’s eyes were squinted and his brows furrowed everyone in the room could feel his legendary temper was beginning to erupt, but they suddenly found they could release their breaths when he began to laugh joyously out loud.

“Yes, well the highest reward for man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it. And I know you would become very great indeed my dear Bilbo as I would become greater from knowing you! How are you old friend?”

The tension that filled the room immediately vanished. Dori actually began sweating but felt ashamed for doing so for he knew that Bilbo and Gandalf had been friends for most of hobbit’s life. Actually Gandalf was friends with Bilbo’s mother Belladonna first. The gray wizard had always traveled - it being one of his many passions. Hobbiton was one of his favorite spots and visiting the Baggins’ was a must for the sweet hobbit lass always welcomed him into her home and treated him like family.  

 “I’m anxious,” he smiled, “So what do you have planned for me this season?”

It was then that the head writer began speaking and mentioned that in the previous season ratings were highest when Bilbo would cook with a guest thus suggesting Bilbo have more in this new season. The hobbit was thrilled for it meant having help and technically less work.

“Don’t you wish to know who we have in mind to accompany you?” Gandalf uttered sitting back once more crossing his legs. Bilbo began to shutter.


The writers jumped in throwing out a few names. Bombur was mentioned along with a fabulous up and coming female chef from Gondor and well as an episode devoted to hobbit dishes. Bilbo was waiting for the ball to drop though. At this point there was only one race that wasn’t mentioned.

“What about the elves?” he asked lowering his pen once more after jotting down more ideas, “It seems we are covering everyone but you haven’t  mentioned if we’re doing a show on elvish cooking. I daresay they have some excellent recipes.”

At this the head writer looked over to Gandalf.

“Oh yes! Actually I thought it would be nice to start off the season with an elf guest! After all, Bilbo, you have been declared an Elf-Friend,” he smiled widely.

The wheels began to turn in Bilbo’s head. He had a very strong feeling now of where this was going, “Yes, that’s a lovely thought. Which elf will be my guest then, Gandalf?”

Keeping his eyes on the hobbit the older man picked up his pipe once more and holding it in his mouth. After a few puffs he answered, “Thranduil Oropherson.”

It was a name Bilbo was very familiar with. It would’ve been odd for anyone not to know any Oropherson for they were one of the most popular names in the whole wide world. They were not only wealthy and powerful but also clever. While Thorin’s family dealt in the hotel and travel parts of business, the infamous elven family dabbled in medicine, education, and even fashion. Their name was tied to the most successful hospitals, universities, and by far the most stylish clothing lines. They also had their named tied with environmental charities and owned several gardens but that was a mere speck in their empire.

However, Bilbo had a particular reason to know exactly who Thranduil Oropherson was for he was Thorin’s former lover.


It had been a couple months since Bilbo, Thorin, and Dwalin had first agreed to a relationship. While it was still early the hobbit insisted one night over dinner the three discuss their former partners. Dwalin had no idea why his hobbit was so interested. Who cared about the past anyway?

After a couple glasses of scotch he finally admitted that after dating Thorin in high school and Nori for most of his twenties he had a two year relationship with another dwarf who worked at the gym he frequented followed by a six month relationship with his female cousin. When that ended he then fell for a golden haired beauty that breeds horses. Apparently she was very flexible and he enjoyed living with her on her farm but when she brought up marriage he ended things and stuck to one night stands and flings before he met Bilbo.

Bilbo’s past relationships happened in his youth while growing up in Hobbiton but he did admit the first relationship he had once he moved away was with the landlord of the first flat he rented; a man named Beorn. He admitted he was ashamed of it at first but the two had a lot in common and while he enjoyed the sex it was the fact that he had someone to talk to that really mattered. They didn’t even make it a year before Beorn began being a bit too clingy with Bilbo so the hobbit found himself not only losing a lover but also a really nice flat.

When it came time for Thorin to go over his relationships he became very quiet. He was ashamed to admit he didn’t have very many after Dwalin. In fact, he had only one major relationship that had been off and on until six years ago when it was finally off. He had met Thranduil in college and at first Thorin didn’t even think the tall gorgeous elf had even noticed him until he found said elf waiting for him outside his door one morning. He was completely different from Thorin and yet the two found many similarities in each other. Everyone expected them to be rivals because of their families but instead Thorin found himself going to Thran when he was sad or confused and always when he was lonely.

At first they were only to be friends for Thranduil had a girlfriend, but the two found themselves unable to control their passions one night and for the next two years what they had was an affair. When Thranduil broke up with his girlfriend and made Thorin his official boyfriend he actually thought they could be happy together, but the elf’s drinking had created a lot of problems and it would cause Thran to jump back and forth between Thorin and the other girl. When Thorin went back the last time he thought things were finally behind them until the mischievous elf drove his car drunk one night and almost died. It was then that he knew he had to let go. There was a time when he thought he might go back to him, but when it was announced Thranduil was to marry his long time sweetheart that Thorin completely let go and began to focus on his family’s business.

“Were you in love with him?” Bilbo asked as he took another sip of his wine.

The dwarf didn’t answer right away; he had needed another glass of wine for himself, “I thought I did, but what I loved about him were things that he wasn’t. In my head he was a certain type of being but when I really looked at him I realized he wasn’t those things. Now when I look at it I’m positive he only saw me as a piece of arse to use whenever he wanted me.”

“He’s the arse for using you. It’s an elf trait! They use everyone they think is less worthy of them,” Dwalin barked from his seat next to Thorin

“It is not! You’re one to judge mister I-date-dwarves-and-then-their-cousins!” Bilbo yelled taking away Dwalin’s glass of scotch.

“Hey! At least I didn’t date em at the same time! I broke up with him before I did anythin with her. There’s a difference!” he barked as he took the dishes used from their dinner to the sink.

Bilbo could only shake his head and slapped the burly dwarf on the arm before moving next to Thorin, “I’m sorry you were treated horribly, darling. He truly is an absolute moron for not appreciating how smart, talented, and handsome you are,” he finished caressing his face and planting several kisses on his cheeks.

Thorin could only pull the hobbit into his arms and return his kisses. When Dwalin moved back from the table after washing the dishes he sat on his other side wrapping an arm around the both of them.

“I won’t lie. I do wish things could have been different between him and me, but I don’t hate him. I don’t think I ever can.”

Dwalin furrowed his eyebrows and grunted, “Why is that?”

“Well that moronic elf ending up leading me back to you,” he smiled giving his grumpy dwarf love a long tender kiss on his full lips before looking back to the hobbit in his arms, “And introducing me to the most wonderful and by far the sexiest hobbit I have ever met.”


“Bilbo? Bilbo are you alright?” Gandalf asked sitting across from the hobbit sipping on a cup of tea. Apparently the meeting had been over for some time and Gandalf had taken the day-dreaming hobbit to afternoon tea.

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry I was gone there for a bit.”

“My goodness you looked as though you were miles away my boy! I sure hope it wasn’t my news earlier that caused you to be so distant.”

“No, of course not.”

“Bilbo, I know you. The reason why I came to the meeting was because I knew they were going to bring up Thranduil and I knew you were going to react this way,” the old wizard exclaimed setting down his tea a bit more roughly than one should.

“Why would you think that, Gandalf? Yes, I know he was once with Thorin, but that was a long time ago and Dwalin and I are with him now and he’s only to be a guest on my show so there’s no problem at all!”

“Well then you won’t mind him joining us for tea then?” Gandalf said taking another sip of tea looking away from the pale faced hobbit as he spit his tea out abruptly.

Bilbo didn’t know how to process what he just heard and immediately looked down at his apparel brushing off the tea he spit out while also trying to quickly flatten out any wrinkles he spied. The hobbit suddenly felt the need to look his best, but was currently failing. Once Gandalf reassured him he looked more than respectable he calmed down, well, as best as he could.

It wasn’t long before a large and glamourous white limo pulled up in front of the oddly empty teahouse. Bilbo suddenly realized why it was so empty. Gandalf surely had enough money to buy any establishment for the afternoon for private meetings. The older gentleman then explained that it was Thranduil’s wish that they were not disturbed and asked they meet in this particular teahouse.

As soon as the incredibly tall and slender elf exited the parked vehicle Bilbo found he was unable to take his eyes off of him. He could totally understand why practically every race (except dwarves) claimed him to be the sexiest being. Even if he didn’t have his long flowing hair that practically glowed or a slim torso with zero body fat he was still a magnificent specimen. The confidence he showed and he glided toward the table the hobbit occupied with Gandalf generated a warmth that Bilbo could feel flooding the teahouse. When he rose to greet him he was struck by yet another feature the elf possessed he found he could not look away from; his bright blue eyes.

It was almost blinding, he could practically feel him looking into his soul. Bilbo was so distracted he completely missed the elf taking his hand into his own to shake it during their introduction.

“So this is the infamous Bilbo Baggins. I’ve heard so much about you. Most impressive, I’m looking forward to working with you.”

His voice could only be described to be like silk. It was soft, smooth, relaxing and enticing. The hobbit could only smile and nod as the three resumed their seats. While Thranduil and Gandalf were “shooting the breeze” he could once again only stare at the gorgeous elf. However, what he didn’t realize was that this time he was staring back.  

Bilbo could feel his face turn a slight shade of pink. He didn’t know how Thranduil was doing it but he was having a conversation with one man while looking directly into hobbit’s eyes. He was tempted to cross them to see if his reaction would change, but Bilbo was too proper to do such a thing. With Thorin or Dwalin he would but in this instance, with this elf, he had to be proper.

“Well I guess I will leave you both to it then,” Gandalf smirked as he rose from the table once more grabbing his hat and coat. Bilbo must have missed something while once again lost in his thoughts, “It was lovely to see you again, Thranduil. Bilbo, I’ll catch up with you later. Have a pleasant afternoon, gentleman!”

And just like that, ‘The Wizard’ was gone.  Bilbo felt a lump in his throat he had to swallow; he was now alone with the elf. He tried to avoid those eyes, but they were like spotlights. There was no way to hide from them.

Bilbo found himself fidgeting a bit, how often does one find themselves alone with a lover’s ex? He tugged at his waistcoat and straightened his cravat. At this point he realized his companion was silent and unmoving. It was as if the hobbit was having tea with a statue.

The hobbit cleared his throat once more while making some space on the table for his small notebook of ideas. He remembered that Thranduil was here on business so why not start with business?

“Alright, well, Gandalf no doubt informed you about what the episode will be about. I was thinking we should do a vegetarian dish or possibly a fish. I have a great recipe for honey garlic salmon that I think would be lovely along with a mixed green salad and maybe a lembas bread recipe as well? I know it may be a bit cliché, but I think if the audience is tuning in for elf cooking they’re expect some lembas!” Bilbo let out a small giggle just in case his guest did find the suggestion ridiculous, but so far the beautiful elf didn’t say anything, just smiled.

But then he laughed.

“Yes, that sounds wonderful. Feel free to choose what you like. I don’t cook at all. I’m afraid I don’t have the time for it, so whichever recipe you wish to make I’ll be sure to go along. All I ask is for time to talk about the gardens and the charity project, the rest can be up to you and your producers,” he finished piercing his lips into a thin smirk.

Bilbo was completely baffled, “Alright, well if you don’t mind me asking, if it’s that simple, why did you agree to meet me here? You could’ve told me this over the phone or even email. Why go through all of this trouble?”

“I simply wished to meet you in person before we worked together. I don’t like doing business with beings I’ve never met,” he finished taking a sip of tea that was prepared for him.

The hobbit took a relieved breath. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from Thranduil, but he felt much better now that he knew his real reason for this meeting.

But then he laughed once more.

“Actually that’s what I say to everyone I do business with. I really wanted to meet you for selfish reasons. For years now I’ve wanted to meet the burglar that stole Thorin Oakenshield’s heart.”

Bilbo froze. He wasn’t sure how to respond to such a confession. It had been almost a decade since Thorin had called off his relationship with Thranduil. Hell, the elf had a wife and a young son. Why would he still be thinking about Thorin?

Noticing his discomfort the elf put up his hands and spoke softly, “Please do not misunderstand me. I’m very happy for you both. Thorin had been so distraught about his relationship with Dwalin and then I know I certainly didn’t make things easy for him so I’m glad to see he found someone that makes him happy.”

Oh. He obviously had not heard.

“Well, um, he is also with Dwalin.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“It’s the three of us. We’re in a relationship together. It’s been a little over two years,” the hobbit replied with a smile. He was very proud of his dwarves.

Thranduil, however, wasn’t smiling. He didn’t look angry or disgusted. Bilbo would’ve described him as looking more disappointed than anything.

“I know it’s not a conventional or a popular way of life, but we all love one another and we’re very happy being together.”

The elf raised his eyebrows slightly and looked down at his teacup, “Well that is wonderful and the three of you are clearly happy if you’ve been together this long. I’m sorry if I seem a little hesitant, it’s just that I didn’t realize that Thorin had changed so much.”

“What do you mean?”

“As long as I’ve known Thorin he’s always wanted marriage and children. He must really have found something better.”

“Well just because there is three of us that doesn’t mean we can’t marry – not that we have even been thinking of that yet. Children would be lovely but again we’re not really that far in our relationship for that and even if we were I’m sure we could adopt.”

“Actually you can’t do either of those things. The country doesn’t acknowledge polygamous marriages and I highly doubt adoption would be possible,” he paused seeing the hobbit’s distraught face, “I know it’s not my business and I have no doubt of your love, but I think perhaps you should talk with Thorin.”

Bilbo was actually starting to get angry. Who did this elf think he was? He has known Thorin for years and he has never once mentioned a thing about marriage or wanting to pursue it.

“What makes you think that Thorin is so certain for marriage and a family?”

 The hobbit looked into the bright blue eyes across the table from him once more. They were much wider than before but the elf kept his pierced smirk.

“You don’t know, do you?”


“What has Thorin told you about the relationship I had with him?”

“You met in college, you were off on and with him and your girlfriend, you drank too much and he broke up with you. Basically you being a totally prat and not realizing you had a great dwarf when you had him.”

Thranduil flashed a devious smirk as folded his arms across his chest.

“He obviously left out the part when we were married.”


Bilbo returned home that night with his head hung low. While a part of him was angry the hobbit was mostly sad that his love would lie about his past. Why wouldn’t he tell him about his marriage? What exactly was he hiding for? Maybe he didn’t really take his relationship with Dwalin and himself seriously? Perhaps this was ‘just a fling’ for the dwarf until he was ready to marry again and have children. There was only one way to find out and that was from the source.

The hobbit suddenly was unable to enter the home he shared with Dwalin. What if Thorin doesn’t want a life with him? Bilbo wasn’t sure he could handle the truth, either way a discussion needed to be done and certainly wouldn’t happen with him standing outside the front door.

Stepping inside he didn’t hear anything that sounded like two dwarves were in the house which was odd. Dwarves were even noisy when they breathed. The silence didn’t last for Bilbo heard some moaning coming from the kitchen. Worried that they were trying to cook again, the hobbit dashed to his kitchen to find his loves doing something else.

“Thorin Oakenshield what are you doing on my kitchen table?!”

The nude dwarf couldn’t really respond from his bent position over the table especially with an equally nude Dwalin holding him down as the two were clearly engaging in sexual activities.

“What’s it look like were doing? Making cookies?” the bald dwarf responded before slamming into his raven haired lover, “Looks like your meeting didn’t run late.”

“Do you guys always make love in the kitchen when I’m not here? You know how I feel about having sex where food is prepared and served!” he finished stomping his feet as he made his way to the closet to hang his coat up.

“At least are arses aren’t on the table!”

“Most of Thorin’s sweat and germs are now no doubt covering that table, Dwalin!”

“Relax! We’ll clean up! We always do!” he winked to his hobbit noticing his distress, “If you’re that upset you can always join us? Thorin and I will take care of you, won’t we Thorin?” he voiced excitedly as he grabbed the other dwarf by his long hair and pulled him up from the table to lean against his torso.

Thorin was a complete mess with his skin slightly red and covered in sweat he could only moan loudly as Dwalin thrusted inside of him roughly once more.

Seeing his disheveled lover only made the hobbit more angered and this time Dwalin knew something was off, “What’s wrong? Did something happen at your meeting?” 

Folding his arms over his chest, Bilbo could only look at Thorin. “I ended up having afternoon tea with Thranduil Oropherson. We had a nice long chat.”

Hearing this Thorin’s relaxed and pleasurable state melted away into absolute fear.

“Well no wonder you’re miserable,” Dwalin scoffed as Thorin pushed off of him both moaning slightly at their separation, “Hey! What’s going on?!”

“Bilbo, what did you talk about with Thranduil?”

“I think you know, Thorin,” he stated looking deeply into his lover’s eyes, “You both clean up and make us some tea. I’ll be out in the garden when you’re ready.”

Without another word the hobbit, with his arms still crossed, slowly made his way out of the room.

“Alright, Bilbo stopped the sex something is definitely wrong. What is it?”

Thorin sighed, “Let’s just get ourselves and get this place cleaned up. I promise you’ll find out soon enough.”

It was another half hour before Bilbo heard both Thorin and Dwalin make their way outside to their small garden. He was sitting on his favorite bench, one that used to occupy his home in Hobbiton, smoking his pipe slowly trying to calm himself but the clatter of the tea set that Thorin was carrying was rattling his nerves and the tray of biscuits and sweets Dwalin carried was probably already half gone for the dwarf was chewing loud enough to wake the dead. Not that a belly full of delicious sweets could make him content at the moment.

When each dwarf set their trays down on the table the hobbit rose and joined them. He avoided Thorin’s eyes as he accepted his teacup from him. After the three sat in silence drinking their tea and Dwalin munching on more biscuits did Bilbo finally speak.

“So, is it true?”

“Yes it’s true, but it’s not what you think.”

“Alright, ya can’t start this this way! What the heck is going on with you two? I may be hungry but I’m not oblivious! Bilbo what is wrong? What did you hear from the tree hugger?”

At his question Bilbo could only look to Thorin, “Do you want to tell him or should I?”

Thorin gulped, “He already knows.”

“WHAT,” the hobbit gasped standing from his chair.

Dwalin looking nervous whispered to Thorin, “What do I know?”

The dwarf rolled his eyes, “That Thranduil and I were married.”

Bilbo mushed his hands against his face as he felt tears fall from his eyes. “You both knew! Why didn’t you tell me, Thorin? How could you not tell me? We’ve all been together for two years! Do you have any idea how stupid I looked when he realized I didn’t know especially since I bragged about our time together?”

Thorin jumped from his chair trying to reach out to the hobbit but Bilbo took a step away.

“I’m sorry Bilbo. I didn’t do it to make you feel foolish. It was just something I didn’t talk about. It brought me too much pain. It was a secret we kept from everyone. Many beings were paid off not to make the news public. I don’t even think a lot of my family even knew about it. My father was obsessed with keeping everyone in the dark as well as Thranduil’s father once they both knew. His father was the one who made him end it.”

At this confession it was Dwalin who finally stood and slowly wrapped his arm around Bilbo’s small shoulders, “That’s when I knew. Thorin had come to me after he had kicked him out. His own son’s spouse he just kicked out of the house. Thranduil had no balls. Just let im go.”

“It had only lasted three years. I had left him when I found out he was sleeping with the other girl and I was tired of it. I just wanted us to be together and have little ones and grow old. It was a few weeks later that he came back saying that he was deeply in love with me and wanted the same future and me being young and foolish I accepted and we eloped. We told no one. Everyone just assumed we were dating but the hiding I think had taken its toll on Thranduil. He was already a heavy drinker but while we were married it got worse. Every time he’d get off the phone with his father we’d have a fight. We eventually invited both of our families together for dinner one night and told them. Neither was incredibly happy to hear it since we’d been married for over a year at that point, but Thranduil’s father was violently angry. My father and I had to hold him back from killing his own son. Things went downhill from there. One night when he had already been drinking too much, the so-called former girlfriend showed up and told us she was pregnant and that it was Thranduil’s. We fought; he stormed out and crashed the car. I went to the hospital to see him but he was out. They told me to go home but when I did his father was there waiting. He told me I had five minutes to get what I wanted and to leave. I went to Dwalin’s and he took me to my parents a day or two later, when I arrived the divorce papers were already there waiting. My father of course didn’t hesitate to tell me to sign but I wouldn’t. I needed to hear it from Thranduil and the next day I did. He called me from the hospital and said that he was getting help because he had a chance to start over and have the family he wanted, so it meant I had to let him go and I did.”

During his story Dwalin had led the hobbit back to his bench keeping his arm around him. Thorin had brought a chair over so he could look into Bilbo’s eyes and make sure he heard. He wanted him to know everything. He felt foolish for keeping it from him. Thranduil had told him some of the details but not all. It was nice to finally hear the whole story. He still couldn’t fathom why it had to take all of this work to hear it. Their relationship was built on more than just love; there was also respect and complete trust.

After a few moments of peaceful silence Bilbo cleared his throat once more before asking, “And what about children?”

Thorin was confused, “What about them?”

“You said you wanted marriage and children. That’s one of the reasons why you married Thranduil. Do you still want children?”

The tall dwarf looked at his hobbit. He couldn’t deny it was a dream of his.

“I won’t lie to you, Bilbo; it is something that I’ve always wanted, but…”

“Well then what are we doing here?”

Thorin stopped, “What?”

“What are Dwalin, you, and me doing here? The three of us cannot have children and no judge is certainly going to grant us one so what are the three of us doing here? What is this relationship?”

Dwalin had removed his arm from around the small hobbit and stood from his seat. He was getting incredibly nervous as to how the conversation was going.

“Alright, let’s just calm down! Yes, Bilbo, Thorin should’ve told you about his marriage to Thranduil, but again, he did not do that to hurt you!”

“Yes, I understand that, but Thorin not telling me is not the only issue here. Thorin wants a family and if he stays in a relationship with us that will not happen!”

Dwalin looked over to Thorin his eyes hopeful that his long time love would say something to stop what he thought was going to happen but the raven haired dwarf said nothing. It was true. He did dream of being married and having a family. When he discovered in his youth that he was gay he thought it could never happen. Then, when he came of age, he learned about adoption and that there were all kinds of happy couples with children. Perhaps it could happen to him too? When he lost Thranduil he knew that dream was over and forgot all about it especially once he was with Dwalin and Bilbo. Now that it was said out loud he was having doubts. He was enjoying his life with his loves, but he didn’t really know what their relationship was. What kind of future could they have? What happened when the sex wouldn’t be enough?


It was a week later and Dwalin was still not speaking to Bilbo. Not that the hobbit was complaining. He was rather enjoying the quiet their home seldom lacked. However, he also didn’t like his dwarf love angry at him. Then again, he didn’t regret what happened between the two of them and Thorin the previous week. The conversation had to be done and Thorin was now taking his time to think things over. Nothing had been decided but he believed that Dwalin though their group would be over.

“I know you’re not talking to me, but I just want to remind you that I have a long day at the studio tomorrow so I won’t be home in time to make dinner. There are leftovers in the refrigerator, but I know you’ll most likely order pizza,” he stated loudly as he settled himself in bed with his book.

Dwalin merely let out a stern grunt as he threw himself down on the bed, keeping his back to the hobbit not giving him a single look.

Frowning at the rude behavior, he set his book down on the side table and scooted closer to his dwarf.

“How long are you going to stay mad at me? Honestly I can’t understand why you are mad at me. I didn’t tell Thorin to leave. He didn’t technically live with us anyway,” Bilbo spoke more softly this time and placed a hand on his grumpy dwarf’s back. When he didn’t move away the hobbit began rubbing it hoping to soothe his anger.

“Things were goin fine til you brought up the kid thing,” Dwalin muffled against his pillow.

At this Bilbo moved next to the dwarf and began massaging his exposed arm and shoulder.

“Baby, I had too. If we didn’t talk about it then it would have eventually come back to haunt us. Whether it happened last week or years from now it was going to happen and it is better that it happened now. And nothing has been decided yet. He’s still thinking things over. Hell, he’s been calling here every other day so he hasn’t forgotten about us.”

The hobbit almost let out a yelp when Dwalin suddenly turned over to look at him. Bilbo didn’t say anything, but he was positive that the tough-guy dwarf had tears in his eyes.

“And what if he doesn’t come back to us?”

It took a lot for Bilbo not to cry. After taking a deep breath he pulled his dwarf into his arms and kissed his cheek. “Then we’ll have to do without him I suppose. It will be difficult, but I think you and I did rather well when it was the two of us. What do you think?”

He smiled down at Dwalin hoping this would help lift the sour mood between them. When he heard nothing but loud breathing the hobbit ended things there and continued rubbing his dwarf’s back and arms while letting out a few silent tears.

Thorin wasn’t in any better condition. His normally spotless flat was a complete mess. The kitchen was full of take-out containers, his clothes were in separate piles the dwarf didn’t even know what for, and even he himself was looking disheveled. Overall Thorin Oakenshield was lost.

He couldn’t even bring himself to sleep in his bed. He had been getting used to having two more with him that being alone felt like a nightmare. When his phone began buzzing loudly he was almost unable to get up from his place on the couch but when he did answer it he clearly made out the screams from his sister to clean himself and the place up for she was coming by later to talk.


Once the dwarf was able to calm his sister with some tea and a complete story of the events from the previous week did the shouting stop, but Dís was still annoyed at her older brother.

“Thorin, I can understand about wanting to have a family. There really is nothing like having a child of your own. I love my boys more than anything, but I honestly don’t see why you don’t think you can’t have that with Bilbo and Dwalin? Granted you’ll have to get a little creative with how to go about it, but I’m sure the three of you could work something out. Or do they not want children?”

At this Thorin lifted his head from the table and looked at Dís, “Ya know, I never asked them.”

Dis sighed loudly and rolled her eyes as she rose from the table, “You really are an idiot,” she huffed walking over to his discarded cell phone and setting it down in front of her brother, “Call them, buy them dinner, get to the bottom of this, and if you all decide to end it please be a grown-up about it. You are a grown dwarf it should not take a visit from your sister to clean your place!”

Little did the dwarrowdam know that a certain fussy hobbit would be too excited to hear from his other dwarf love that he would refuse a bought dinner and would instead offer to cook one himself. Thorin tried to insist claiming that Bilbo had made him so many dinners he deserved to have a night off.

“Rubbish! Bilbo hasn’t cooked all week! He needs to get back to work,” Dwalin barked into the phone. When Thorin heard silence he knew his bald headed love was in trouble and that he would be excused from the conversation.

“As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted, I will make dinner for tomorrow! Just be here and hungry!”

Bilbo was so excited to finally have dinner with his loves again he went all out! Roasted chicken, boiled potatoes, carrots, green beans, and even a three layer chocolate cake waited on the table for the trio as they sat. Dwalin was so nervous of what Thorin would say he thought he wouldn’t be able to eat at all until he eyed the dishes before him. He realized that Bilbo must have been nervous as well to have made all that he did. Of course he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut about it though.

That night the three opted not to have anything alcoholic to drink. They each wanted to be clear headed for the conversation after dessert. Once all food was consumed the three found themselves out in the garden again. It made both Dwalin and Bilbo uneasy but Thorin mentioned that it might be the last warm evening of the year the two couldn’t resist and joined him on the back patio.

“Alright, I won’t delay things any longer. We all know why I’m here. I have done a lot of thinking that last week or so about what I want and I did realize that I do want a family.”

That was it. Dwalin was going to be sick. He knew he shouldn’t have had second helpings. This time he was going to kill Bilbo for this. However when he looked over to glare at the small hobbit he saw tears forming in his hobbit’s hazel eyes. His anger melted away and the dwarf was on his feet moving closer to Bilbo to comfort him but was stopped when Thorin reached out a hand to cup the sulking hobbit’s cheek.

“Bilbo, why are you crying?” Thorin asked almost in a whisper. Before the hobbit could respond he had taken out his handkerchief to wipe his face.

“Oh no, please don’t mind me, Thorin! I’m thrilled for you that you know what you want and that you’re ready to pursue it. I’m just sad that our time will be coming to an end.”  

“But our time isn’t coming to an end. At least I hope it won’t,” he smiled slightly glancing to Dwalin to make sure he had heard what he said.

The hobbit was too preoccupied with clearing his face of tears but when he registered Thorin’s words he dropped his wet handkerchief and sniffly asked, “What do you mean? I thought you said you wanted a family?”

“I did and I do have one…right here.”

“But Thorin I thought you wanted kids? We won’t be able to –“

“Of course we can’t! That doesn’t mean we couldn’t get a surrogate. I mean that is if that’s what you both want. If there was one thing I realized while I’ve been away from you all this time is that I didn’t consider asking either of you what you wanted from this relationship. I was only thinking about me and what I want, but I can’t do that because this relationship isn’t about me, it’s about all of us. Yes, I would like to have a son or daughter of my own, but I don’t want one unless I know you both will be by my side raising them. It doesn’t even matter whether we have little ones or not. I can live without children, but I can’t live without you two. Just ask Dís, she can give you details of what my flat looked like.”

Dwalin couldn’t help himself. Without thinking how it would end he threw himself at Thorin and pulled him into a tight embrace. Bilbo was too busy crying again so it was up to burly dwarves to pull him into their hug that at this point had them on the ground. Neither could tell how long they had lain in the garden holding one another but when the hobbit felt a chill he demanded they head inside for some tea.

“I don’t know. I think a warm bath would be better,” Dwalin suggested giving Thorin a wink.

Suffice it to say, the three spent the next week making up by taking many baths, applying many massages, and eating lots of food.

This left very little time to plan for Bilbo’s birthday gift.


“Shit! It can’t be next week. Don’t we have another week to go?” the bald dwarf whined as he and Thorin were walking along the shops trying to get inspired for that perfect gift.

“Dwalin, you know Bilbo’s birthday is next week. Now help me look. It’s got to be something amazing,” Thorin expressed in a trance-like state as he eyed a tailor’s shop with exquisite looking suits.

His burlier partner pulled him away reminding him of Bilbo’s tailored suit he gifted him last month and offered to take a break by having lunch at a pub close by.

“Seriously Dwalin, what are we going to do?”

“Eh, considering all the drama we just went through perhaps Bilbo would be content with a night in? I’d say let’s us cook for im but he’s banned me from the kitchen.”

“That’s it! We’ll take a cooking class! Learn how to make a really fancy dish! I think he would not only like it but be incredibly proud of us!”

“How are we goin to find a cooking class that will teach us in one week?”

“Simple! We’ll call another good friend of ours that just happens to be a chef!” Thorin smugly replied as he took out his cell from his pocket.

Three days later Bombur was starting to regret helping his friends. It’s not that they were terrible exactly; they just had issues following orders.  

“Dwalin! Do you even know how to read?! The recipe calls for a ¼ cup of red wine, not however much you feel like putting in!”

“It’ll taste better!”

“Thorin, you need to turn down the heat! You’ll burn the filets!”

“Doesn’t that help it cook faster?”

By day four the two seemed to get the idea of how to make a simple filet mignon with a raspberry glaze and sides consisting of asparagus and baby red potatoes. Even Dwalin was amazed at what he had learned.

“Yeah it’s gonna turn out great, but it won’t be enough,” he gruffed as he and Thorin washed dishes trying to clean up completely before Bilbo got home.

“What are you talking about? Bombur said that last attempt was fantastic,” the long haired dwarf asked as placed the clean dishes in their designated spots.

“The meal will be fine but I don’t think it’s enough. Bilbo deserves more – so much more.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well, we’d have to stop by a jewelry store. Or I could ask Bifur for a favor.”


When Bilbo’s birthday had arrived both Dwalin and Thorin’s days were not going very well at all. Both had to be stuck at work and wouldn’t get home in time to cook the dinner they’d been practicing. They ended up calling Bombur to ask if he could pull some strings to get them a reservation for some fancy place Bilbo would like. The chef chortled and told them they could come to the new place he just opened. There was a spot in the back where the three could have some privacy.

Later that evening Bilbo was thrilled to get home and give his dwarves their gifts! He had taken photographs of each of them and had them framed so they could be hung up on the living room wall and Thorin’s gift would of course include a copy of the key for the house. He felt it was time to officially ask him to move in with Dwalin and himself.

He was suspicious once he took one step inside only to find his loves pushing him towards the bedroom – to change – for they were taking him out to dinner!

“This is odd. You both are usually pushing me in here for something else,” The hobbit winked as he put on his best waist coat.

“No need to worry. We’ll be sure to push you back in here for that later,” Dwalin stated raising his eyebrows.

The meal at Bombur’s was absolutely delicious. Bilbo had to restrain himself from having seconds in order to have dessert. When all was consumed the three had a bottle of champagne and toasted to Bilbo’s birthday.

“Oh my loves this has been a lovely evening. However, I would now very much like to go home and make it a hot and steamy evening,” Bilbo teased tracing his fingers along both of his loves large biceps.

Thorin and Dwalin both grinned mischievously at one another and then at their hobbit. They indeed had much more planned for later, but now they had another gift for their dear Bilbo. Lucky for them the waiter had brought just in time.

“Well what is this? I thought we already had dessert?” Bilbo asked looking up at the waiter only to fall silent when he noticed the tray he placed on the table had three small boxes on it; small enough to fit a ring. One ring would’ve been enough but three! What were these dwarves up to?

“Dwalin this is too much! I told you I was only going to accept one gift! And you didn’t even give me time to give you two your gifts!”

Laughing Dwalin pushed one box toward him, “You’re not getting all of them. This one is for you.”

The hobbit accepted the red box and held it in his hands gently as though the object inside would break. He took another long and loving look at both dwarves before he slowly lifted the lid and let out a quiet gasp.

It was a ring. It was the most beautiful golden ring with a band of black gemstone around the top and a bank of blue sapphire gems around the bottom. Dwalin had explained that the black represented him and the blue Thorin and inside the other two boxes were also rings of different variations; one for Dwalin and one for Thorin.

Bilbo eyes filled with tears. At that moment he realized what the gift actually was.

“Are you asking me to marry you – both?”

Thorin smiled widely, “Well sort of. We can’t legally get married…”

“But we can still make vows to one another,” Dwalin finished handing a handkerchief he pulled from his jacket; a present Bilbo had given to him on their first anniversary together.

Taking the cloth Bilbo wiped his eyes and smiled, “Very well! I’m first then! Baby, hand me your ring first please.”

Confused Dwalin carefully removed his own ring from the box and placed it gently into his adorable hobbit’s hand. Bilbo held up the ring with one hand and took Dwalin’s other hand getting ready to place the ring on his finger before looking toward the dwarf with longer hair raising an eyebrow. Thorin shook his head and placed his hand over the hobbit’s that held the ring.

Bilbo then stared longingly into Dwalin’s gorgeous eyes and declared softly, “I Bilbo Baggins, promise to love you Dwalin even when I’m angry at you for not taking your boots off at the door. I promise to care for you when you eat or drink too much. I promise to be patient with you when you are having one of your temper tantrums because you lost the remote and can’t find it. I promise to listen to you when you feel you’re not being heard. I promise to comfort you when life gets too hard. I promise to feed you when you are hungry and I promise that when I make love to you that it is always with passion, tenderness, desire…and handcuffs.”

The normally grumpy looking dwarf now had tears in his eyes and this time he wasn’t ashamed to let them fall. Bilbo was always wonderful with words and he happily accepted his vow. He hadn’t intended for them to do this now but he didn’t mind it was happening anyway. The more he thought the more he realized it made sense it was happening now.

Before Bilbo could place his ring on the dwarf’s finger Thorin had to say his vows to Dwalin next. He let out a cough to clear his throat which suddenly began to feel clenched before stating, “Dwalin, we have known each other since we were children. You’ve been there for me for everything including times when I didn’t deserve it. I have always trusted you, admired you, respected you, and I now promise to love you deeply for the rest of my life.” 

When the dwarf felt his hobbit would break down into tears once more he quickly pushed his hand slightly forward so that he (and technically Bilbo) was able to put the ring in its rightful place. Dwalin was swelling with pride. If someone would have told him five years ago he’d be wearing a ring and saying vows he would’ve told them they were crazy.

Bilbo’s ring was to be put on next but when the hobbit cried in protest that Thorin should be next the dwarves did as they were told; after all it was Bilbo’s birthday which meant he gets what he wants. With the bald dwarf and the hobbit holding the rings this time Dwalin made his declarations first.

“Thorin you have always been my brother in arms. We have shared so much of our lives together. I think it only fitting we share the rest of it together…along with a fussy hobbit.”

Bilbo elbowed his oafish dwarf love in side slightly at that biting remark but still found his vow lovely despite it being brief. But that was Dwalin; a dwarf with a strong heart and very few words. Bilbo’s words to Thorin were very similar to his vow to Dwalin but with slight differences. He promised to make sure he was always dressed stylishly, to care for his long raven locks when he was too tired to deal with it, to share eye rolls with him when Dwalin does something silly, to ease his worries with warm baths, to always share his desires for their future, and to occasionally allow him to make love in his kitchen.

Once his ring was snugly fit onto his finger it was definitely time for Bilbo to receive vows. Once Thorin had taken his soft hand into his with Dwalin holding the ring he spoke softly, “Dearest Bilbo, I couldn’t possibly use a word good enough to describe what you mean to me. I also feel any promise I could make would not be worthy of you either. When I heard that you and Dwalin were first dating I remember feeling rather jealous. Dwalin was mine first after all,” he added with a snicker and quick wink to dwarf brother in arms, “Well I knew I had to get him back. I couldn’t imagine there would be another being worthy of him so I went to his house to proclaim my love hoping that was enough. But on that Saturday morning that I arrived at the house I was shocked to find that my former love was already incredibly happy, but how could he not be? You were an absolute vision.”

“Oh Thorin, stop, I’m not all that,” the hobbit mumbled swatting at his hand gently.

“You were more than that though. I found myself that day falling for all of your quirks, your skills, your intelligence, and your charm so I knew I needed to be the bigger dwarf and let you two be happy together. I never thought for a second that I would be here four years later. I’m not sure what I’ve done to include me into your life, Bilbo Baggins, but I promise I will always strive to be worthy of you and I will love you for as long as the gods will grant me life,” he finished giving a kiss to his gentle hobbit’s hand.

“That is such an arse-kisser thing to say, Thorin,” Dwalin whispered shaking his head.

“What? It is how I feel. Like you don’t have anything sentimental to say?” Thorin asked raising and eyebrow. Dwalin liked to play the tough guy, but under those muscles was absolute mush!

Meanwhile the hobbit, with tears forming in his hazel eyes, looked to his strong bald warrior love. While Thorin and Dwalin had a longer relationship he considered Dwalin to be the start of this adventurous relationship he was a part of.

The dwarf suddenly began to feel a little sick. He didn’t actually write any vows down. He wasn’t really the type to do that sort of thing. He just thought he could come up with something perfect when the moment came, like he did for his vows to Thorin, but now he found himself completely stuck.

Bilbo could sense his love’s uneasiness. Giving his hand a squeeze he sweetly declared, “Go on, baby, I’m sure whatever you say will be perfect.”

Dwalin looked into his eyes and without a single pause he asked, “Bilbo Baggins, I have loved you since the moment I first saw you. Will ya be our husband and partner for life?”

“Yes, I will,” he smiled brightly as his tears streaming down his pink cheeks. He was hardly able to contain himself as his now husbands slid his gold ring onto his finger making their union complete. Bilbo rose from the table giving Dwalin a long passionate kiss before turning to Thorin and doing the same to him who then grabbed Dwalin by his tie and pulled him into what Bilbo considered the hottest kiss he’d ever seen.

It was lucky for the three that they had found themselves alone in the restaurant at that point or many of the patrons would probably have noticed the long and sensuous make-out session between them distracting. It wasn’t until sometime later that Bilbo learned from Bombur he purposely put them in the back of the restaurant to avoid such an outcome.


The hobbit was incredibly excited when they returned home and more importantly to their bedroom, but he became confused when Dwalin started shuffling him toward the back garden instead.

“Baby what are you doing? I think it’s time for bed,” the hobbit slyly suggested as he seductively untied his cravat and wrapped it around his broad dwarf’s neck.

The dwarf could only smirk as Thorin came up behind the hobbit slowly running his hands along his sides and whispering into his ear, “We’ve another surprise for you in the garden,” he finished by gliding his nose along Bilbo’s incredibly sensitive ear feeling the hobbit shutter intensely. Looking down the dark haired dwarf could see a rather large bulge forming in his tiny lover’s trousers.

Dwalin noticing this new development as well then added, “There’ll be no clothes required for admittance,” he growled quickly pulling off his button down shirt revealing his gorgeously framed torso complete with scars and tattoos as he lead the way to the back garden.

Normally the hobbit was against public nudity especially in the back yard where neighbors could spy on them, but each dwarf assured him that precautions were taken to make sure their night of bliss would not be witnessed by others. And Bilbo found out just how.

His husbands had set up a beautiful off white tent big enough to fit all three right in the center of their garden. Inside was a large mattress laid out covered in furs and lots of pillows and sprinkled around the tent and the path to it were all kinds of flower petals along with some flameless candles. The only real flames were on several torches around the garden that Bilbo concluded was meant to keep to keep out insects.

“Oh baby! Oh darling! It’s beautiful! How did you do this? This wasn’t set up when we left was it?”

As the hobbit slowly walked up to the tent he noticed a small table off to the side holding a bottle of champagne chilling in a fancy ice bucket along with a bowl of chocolate covered strawberries and a note.

Dear Bilbo,

I hope your birthday present turned out to be everything you wished for. Also Congratulations on finally making my idiot cousin and even more idiot brother honest dwarves. I wish you all nothing but happiness and love for the rest of your days. Be good to one another and remember when things go wrong just talk and listen to one another. I love you all very much.


D ís

P.S. Balin set this all up. He conveys his congratulations as well and welcomes you into the family (as do I) and for Mahal’s sake this is the last time he’s getting involved helping you three with your sexual escapades. (His words not mine! Though I don’t wish to be involved either! Hell, you have husbands now! Take care of each other already!)

Just as the hobbit finished the letter he was startled at the loud popping of the champagne being opened by a half-naked Thorin while Dwalin only wearing his small clothes began moving more pillows to the mattress before gulping down a glass of champagne offered by his dwarf husband. As Bilbo sipped his glass (he was drunk enough by the sight of his dwarves) Thorin came up behind him once more kissing his neck slowly.

“So, husband, what would you like to do first?”

“More like which of us would you like to do first?” Dwalin laughed standing before Bilbo resting his hands on the hobbit’s soft hips.

Bilbo was usually too modest to be the center of attention even on his birthday, but in this moment the hobbit allowed himself to be immersed into the affections of his stunning spouses.

“I desire you both, my loves, right now,” he stated lustfully raising his eyebrows and slowly pushing Dwalin down on the sturdy yet soft mattress. He looked behind him and kissed Thorin roughly as he whispered fervently, “You will take me while I take him.”

And granting his wish, Thorin easily lifted his hobbit with one arm as the two tumbled toward their other lover. The three continued their playful kissing as well as the removal of the final pieces of cloth they wore but before more was done the hobbit had a final thought.

 “Hold on. Before we start I need to know…”

Dwalin grunted in displeasure, “What could you possibly need to know at this moment?”

“Who thought of the rings?”

Thorin flashed a wide grin and Bilbo seeing raised an eyebrow but lowered it as the bearded dwarf shook his head, “It was Dwalin’s idea. I suggested we learn how to cook a proper meal and make you dinner for your birthday but he thought you should have more and I agreed.”

The hobbit looked to his oddly silent dwarf who could not bring himself to look at either love. Bilbo captured his face into his small hands thus forcing Dwalin to look at him. Still speaking to Thorin he tenderly replied, “Well, darling, I believe we have a winner.”

“Yes, ghivashel, I believe you are right.”

The bald dwarf looked confused, “Winner?”

Bilbo smiled, “The bet baby. You win. This is by far the best gift given this year and it’s all thanks to you.”

Before Dwalin could ask any more questions the hobbit wrapped his arms around his neck and pressed his lips against his gently. When they pulled away the gruff dwarf had a pleasant smile on his face. He had completely forgotten about the bet. He didn’t feel right bragging about it so he just kissed his hobbit some more.

When the kisses became more passionate Bilbo roughly pushed the dwarf back down on the mattress again while pulling Thorin down beside him. As Dwalin puts his hands on each of their hips he grinned widely, “Well you know what this means then?”

The hobbit and the dwarf exchanged glances then looked to their horizontal lover.

“Neither of you can say a damn thing about what I wear for all of next year! Ha ha! Yes! Don’t think I forgot what we bet on!” his laugh echoed through the yard like an alarm.  

 Bilbo and Thorin once again looked at each this time rolling their eyes. Thorin, in his deepest most sensual voice he asked, “Is there anything we can do to shut him up?”

“You know Dwalin; it’s either food or sex.”

“Well we are mostly naked.”

“Then it’s decided!”

The next few hours were spent trying to keep Dwalin quiet but honestly they all ended up making way too much noise. Not that they minded especially when it came to making love with one another.

When they finished and were lounging in their usual blissful state Thorin had turned off the fake candles as they readied themselves for sleep. However, despite the playful activity before, Bilbo was unable to do so for he couldn’t resist admiring his gold ring.

As he lied between his snoring lumpy dwarf loves he lifted his hand up to the moonlight to admire it more and smiled feeling completely content. What a crazy year it had been, but it was also filled with happy memories. Memories he was looking forward to creating for many more years to come with his two husbands by his side.