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SINGLE ASSHOLES WHO ARE TOO FUCKING AWESOME TO (not) BE ROMANTICALLY ATTACHED TO OTHER COCKSUCKERS ON VALENTINE’S DAY

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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] added terminallyCapricious [TC] to group chat
carcinoGeneticist [CG] added adiosToreador [AT] to group chat

carcinoGeneticist [CG] named chat SINGLE ASSHOLES WHO ARE TOO FUCKING AWESOME TO BE ROMANTICALLY ATTACHED TO OTHER COCKSUCKERS ON VALENTINE’S DAY

TA: what the fuck kk

CG: WAIT THIS ISN’T ACCURATE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] named chat ONE ASSHOLE WHO IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME TO BE ROMANTICALLY ATTACHED TO ANOTHER COCKSUCKER ON VALENTINES’ DAY AND THREE OTHER ASSHOLES WHO ARE JUST ASSHOLES

TC: HeY mOtHeRfUcKiN bEsT fRiEnD!
TC: hEy TaVbRo!
TC: SuP sOlLuX.

TA: what, no exclamatiion poiint and cute niickname for me GZ?

AT: hEY, gUYS,
AT: aND KARKAT,
AT: i’M GONNA, uH, aSSUME THAT, i AM ONE OF THE, tHREE OTHER ASSHOLES YOU ARE, uH, rEFERRING TO,

TA: yeah me two.
TA: and ii take offense two that kk.

TC: HoOoOoOoNk :o)

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLES. I HAVE AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO IMPART TO YOUR CUM-CLOGGED EARHOLES.
CG: IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY TOMORROW AND I’M TIRED OF WITNESSING FUCKASSES WITH BRIGHT RED ANIME HEARTS FLOATING AROUND THEIR DUMBFUCK HEADS AND SHOVING THEIR TONGUES DOWN PEOPLE’S THROATS IN PUBLIC.
CG: THEY FUCKING THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE THEY FUCK THE SAME PERSON EVERY NIGHT THEY GET TO FLAUNT IT THE FUCK OFF TO THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE ON THIS SHITTY ASS VOMIT-INDUCING DAY.

TA: you 2ay that liike you fuck diifferent people every niight.
TA: iin fact you’re on a dry 2pell aren’t you kk?
TA: ololol ju2t admiit you’re jealou2 of them.

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE. AT LEAST I DON’T JERK OFF IN PLASTIC JARS OF CHEAP MICROWAVED HONEY.

TA: ahaha you’re 2o 2iilly KK.
TA: ii don’t miicrowave the honey that would burn. ouch

CG: I’M QUESTIONING MY JUDGMENT ON INCLUDING YOU IN THIS CONVERSATION.

TA: don’t worry KK you’ve got my attentiion. IIf you remove me from the chat ii’ll ju2t hack my way back iin.

AT: wHAT IS THE MESSAGE, tHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL US?

CG: FOR ONCE, THANK THE STUTTERING DUMBFUCK FOR DIRECTING THE CONVERSATION BACK ON FUCKING TRACK.

TC: AwWwW bEsT fRiENd, TaV aIn’T nO dUmBfUck MoThErFuCkEr.

CG: SERIOUSLY GAMZEE. WHO ASKED YOU? YOU ONLY THINK SO BECAUSE YOU’RE EVEN MORE OF A DUMBFUCK THAT TAVROS.
CG: YOU’RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING DUMBFUCK.
CG: ANYWAY, THE FOUR OF US ARE GOING OUT TOMORROW.

TA: A four2ome’2 pretty ambiitiiou2 for someone on a dry 2pell.

CG: ON A.
CG: COMPLETELY.
CG: PLATONIC.
CG: DATE.
CG: BECAUSE FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO THINK SINGLE PEOPLE ARE LONELY AND ANGRY AND BITTER ON THIS FUCKING DAY.

AT: aREN’T YOU, tHOUGH,

CG: WE JUST DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO DEAL WITH THE STUPIDITY OF AN INSIGNIFICANT OTHER.
CG: SO THE FOUR OF US ARE GONNA GO OUT AND RUIN EVERYONE’S DAY WITH THE AMAZINGNESS OF OUR COMPLETELY PLATONIC, SEX-UNINVOLVED FRIENDSHIP.

TC: AhAhAhA mOtHeRfUcKeR! i DoN’t KnOw AbOuT rUiNiN oThEr MoThErFuCkErS’ mIrAcLeS bUt YoU’rE rIgHt AbOuT oUr MoThErFuCkIn AmAzInGnEsS.
TC: aIn’T tHaT rIgHt TaV?

TA: thank2 for iignoring me GZ

AT:aMAZING IS INDEED WHAT WE ARE, collectively
AT: bUT, wHY JUST THE FOUR OF US, kARKAT?

CG: BECAUSE.
CG: I AM NOT SPENDING A SINGLE FUCKING SECOND OF ANY ROMANCE-RELATED DAY WITH A DESPERATE TOOL LIKE ERIDAN AMPORA, WHO’S GONNA DRY HUMP ANY HALF-AVAILABLE PERSON THAT HE SEES. NO FUCKING THANK YOU. LET HIM SPEND HIS VALENTINE’S DAY FUCKING HIS INFLATABLES.
CG: AND I’M SAVING ZAHHAK HIS FUCKING DIGNITY.
CG: HE’S PROBABLY GONNA BE SPORTING A BONER FOR ARADIA ALL FUCKING DAY. AND I DON’T NEED TO FUCKING KNOW IF HIS CUM’S MADE OF SWEAT JUST LIKE THE REST OF HIS FUCKING BODY.

TA: but GZ’2 gonna have a boner for

TC: HoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOnK!

TA: ehehe 2orry gz

AT: uH,
AT: wHAT,

TA: anyway why not iinviite any of the giirls?

CG: I DID. BUT THEY’RE GONNA HAVE A “GIRLS’ DAY OUT” OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS CHICKS DO.
CG: FUCK THEM, WE’RE NOT GONNA LOSE TO THEM. WE’RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST FUCKING GUYS’ DAY OUT IN THE HISTORY OF GUYS GOING OUT PLATONICALLY.

TA: thii2 ii2 2o gay
TA: ahaha
TA: 2o what are we gonna do?

CG: WE’RE GOING DOWNTOWN FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. GET SOME DINNER AND THEN WATCH A MOVIE.

TA: gay
TA: what moviie?

CG: THEY’RE DOING RERUNS OF MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING AT THE MOVIE THEATER IN THE MALL.

TC: YoUr BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd’S wEdDiNg?
TC: I aIn’T tYiN tHe RiBbOn NoNe KaRbRo.

CG: THAT’S THE NAME OF THE FUCKING MOVIE YOU DICKWAD.

TA: WHAT another romcom?
TA: II thought you diidn’t want two have anythiing two do wiith romance tomorrow?

CG: ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT ROMCOMS HAVE ANYTHING IN REMOTE RELATION TO THE FAKE CHEESY SHIT PEOPLE INDULGE IN ON VALENTINE’S DAY? FUCK YOU, YOU UNCULTURED FUCK.
CG: ROMCOMS ARE A FORM OF FINE ART THAT SHOULD BE ENJOYED AT ANY FUCKING TIME OF THE YEAR.

AT: dOES THE THEATER HAVE, uH, yOU KNOW,
AT: wHEELCHAIR SEATING,

CG: OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES, DID YOU THINK I WOULD GO NEAR AN ESTABLISHMENT RUN BY ABLEIST ASSHOLES WHO PROBABLY LICK THEIR OWN NUTS TO STAY CELIBATE?

AT: oH,
AT: tHANKS, i GUESS,
AT: uM, eVEN THOUGH I AM NOT SURE HOW TO FEEL, aBOUT YOUR STATEMENT REGARDING THE, uH, ARTISTIC VALUE OF, rOMANTIC COMEDIES
AT: i THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO,

TC: MoThErFuCkIn YeAh, It’Ll Be BiTcHtItS cHiLlIn AlL uP wItH mY fAvOrItE mOtHeRfUcKeRs!

TA: why do ii feel liike that doe2n’t iinclude me?

TC: AwW dOn’T bE lIkE tHaT tEcHnObRoThEr I lIkE yOu ToO!

TA: Hey who 2aiid ii wanted that to iinclude me?

CG: WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS.
CG: ALL RIGHT, FUCKASSES. TOMORROW. TWO O’CLOCK. DRESS LIKE YOU’RE GIVING VALENTINE’S DAY A BIG FUCKING MIDDLE FINGER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed chat ONE ASSHOLE WHO IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME TO BE ROMANTICALLY ATTACHED TO ANOTHER COCKSUCKER ON VALENTINES’ DAY AND THREE OTHER ASSHOLES WHO ARE JUST ASSHOLES

——-

Only two minutes have passed since Karkat ended the group conversation with three of his dumbest friends, and one of the three is already texting another.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]

TC: SoLbRo
TC: CaPtOrFrIeNd
TC: SoLlUx My MaN

TA: what do you want?

TC: ...
TC: I hAvE a MoThErFuCkIn PrObLeM mAn AnD i Be NeEdInG yOuR hElP.

TA: okay.
TA: tv_halloween_FOR GZ_ehehe.jpg

TC: HoNk?

Gamzee opens the file and immediately regrets it. Not, of course, because he doesn’t appreciate the photograph. But it definitely does add fuel to the fire.

It’s a picture of Tavros last Halloween, looking more adorable than Hello Kitty and ICP combined, blushing like a bright-red tomato and looking away from the camera. Because he’s in a costume that Vriska made him wear, and even though Gamzee would prefer if Tavros never talked to his ex-girlfriend again, he has to admit that this had been one of her more brilliant ideas. Gamzee doesn’t even remember what Tavros was dressing up as—but he does remember the way the sky blue outfit hugged his toned as fuck abs and biceps, the way the skimpy underwear (for that was what it was, really) showed off every inch of his coffee-colored supermodel legs, which, paralyzed or not, were smokin’ hot. But the real value of this photograph is the fact that in it, Tavros’s hands are occupied with pushing the wheels of his chair, thereby providing a full frontal view of his body. And the tightness of the blue outfit applies to the crotch area, too. And holy shit, holy MOTHERFUCKIN’ SHIT.

Oh yes, Gamzee remembers that Halloween all too well. Because while he loves the purple codpiece of his own costume, he didn’t really fancy having to use all eight inches of it (honk) throughout the entire night.

TA: ehehehehehe

Fifteen minutes later (don’t blame Gamzee, the guy’s got good stamina):

TC: WhAt In ThE nAmE oF aLl ThE mIrAcUlOuS mOtHeRfUcKs SolLuX.

TA: ehehe you 2aiid you had a problem 2o ii helped you out.
TA: diid that help your problem?
TA: your “PROBLEM”?

TC: AwWwW dOn’T pLaY wItH a MoThErFuCkEr’S dIcK lIkE tHaT bRo.

TA: ii diidn’t play wiith your diick you diid that your2elf.

TC: WhY tHe FuCk DiD yOu HaVe ThAt PhOtO?

TA: ii hacked iit off VK’s computer.
TA: ii have more you want them?

TC: nO
TC: yEs
TC: NoT mOtHerFuCkIn NoW bRo I sTiLl GoT a ProBlEm AnD iT’s AlL uP aNd SuPeR cRiTiCaL-lIkE.

TA: stiill?
TA: je2u2 why me?
TA: ii thought kk wa2 your 2houlder to cry on.

TC: wElL mY bEsT fRiEnD’s Up AnD dOiN tHe CaUsIn ThIs TiMe.
TC: He ThInKs We’S uP aNd ToO aWeSoMe AnD tHaT’s WhY wE’rE sInGlE.
TC: bUt LiKe, MoThErFuCkEr’S oNlY sInGlE bEcAuSe Of ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnD zOnE.
TC: lIkE rEaLly, MoThErFuCkEr ReAlLy DoEsN’t WaNt To Be SiNgLe AnYmOrE.
TC: aNd I dOn’T tHiNk I cAn SpEnD cUpId’S mOtHeRfUcKiN dAy WiTh TaV aNd AcT lIkE nOtHiN’s ThErE aIn’T nOtHiN mOrE i Be WaNtInG uP iN mY mOtHeRfUcK tHiNkSaCk.

TA: you mean your nut2ack.
TA: ahaha
TA: well yeah ii wa2 kiinda surpriised at kk ii mean he know2 about your epiic boner for TV. Iit’2 only a2 tall a2 the empiire 2tate buiildiing.
TA: Liike liiterally TV i2 the only who ha2n’t notiiced

TC: …

TA: what?

TC: WeLl I dOn’T rEaLly MoThErFuCkIn KnOw If TaVbRo’S gOt HiS nOtIcE oN. bEcAuSe I wEnT aNd AsKeD iF hE wAnTeD tO gEt SoMe MoUtH tO mOuTh AcTiOn SoMe WhIlE aGo.

TA: holy
TA: fuck
TA: what diid he 2ay?

TC: MoThErFuCkEr SaId He AlReAdY kNoWs HoW tO dO mOtHeRfUcKiN cPr.

TA: AHAHAHAHAHA
TA: dude
TA: you gotta chiill
TA: when you 2ound that desperate of fuckiing cour2e TV ii2n’t gonna take you 2eriiou2ly.

TC: BuT i Am DeSpErAtE

TA: the only per2on who ever 2ound2 that de2perate i2 ED fuckiing Ampora. You’re only gonna 2care TV off ii mean iin a fiight or fliight 2iituatiion he’d defiiniitely choo2e fliight.
TA: fiit2 wiith hii2 faiiry-themed bull2hiit

TC: ThEn WhAt ShOuLd A mOtHeRfUcKeR dO?

TA: cover your2elf iin honey and dance naked in front of hii2 hou2e.

TC: rEaLly?

TA: of cour2e not diip2hiit.
TA: you gotta back off a liittle biit 2top 2motheriing hiim for chrii2t’2 2ake.
TA: make hiim realiize how fuckiing paiinful iit would be iif GZ ii2n’t hoveriing around hiim liike a fat hou2ewiife all the tiime.
TA: well actually that doe2n’t 2ound two paiinful
TA: anyway make out with kk or 2omethiing make TV jealou2

TC: BuT i CaN’t MaKe OuT wItH mY mOtHeRfUcKiN bEsT fRiEnD! tHaT’d Be AlL iNcEsTuOuS-lIkE.

TA: ahaha you and kk both are 2uch pu22ie2

And suddenly a brilliant idea is invited into Gamzee’s brain. Sure, he could never make out with Karbrother, but…

TC: SoLbRoOoOoOoOo
TC: SoLlUuUuUuUuUuUuX
TC: bE mY mOtHeRfUcKiN vAlEnTiNe

TA: WHAT
TA: holy 2hiit wa2 iit 2omethiing ii 2aiid?
TA: ii take iit all back

TC: Be My MoThErFuCkIn VaLeNtInE tOmOrRoW tO mAkE tAvRoS jEaLoUs!

TA: dude you actually are a2 de2perate a2 ED
TA: but iit wouldn’t work becau2e we liiterally have no compatiibiiliity and iit gro22e2 me out 2o much that ii would probably vomiit all over you
TA: and a vomiit covered GZ ii2n’t goiing to 2educe TV

TC: We DoN’t HaVe TO GeT nO mOtHeRfUcKiN mAcK oN iF tHaT aIn’T a BrOtHeR’s PrEfErEnCe.
TC: NoThInG oFfIcIaL, yOu FeEl?
TC: JuSt EnOuGh To GeT tAvBrO’s AnD kArBrO’s ThInK jUiCeS fLoWiN.
TC: aNd If ThEy GeT tHeIr AsKiN oN wE’lL jUsT sAy NoThIn’S gOiN oN, iT’s AlL uP iN tHeIr OwN iMaGiNaTiOnS!

TA: waiit
TA: what doe2 kk have to do wiith thii2

TC: cOmE oN bRo, DoN’t Be PlAyIn CoY wItH mE aFtEr ThAt ShIt YoU pUlLeD wItH ThAt PiCtUrE oF tAv!
TC: KaRbRo_1.jpg
TC: KaRbRo_2.jpg
TC: KaRbRo_3.jpg

TA: niice try GZ ii already hacked tho2e off your computer
TA: along wiith all your bookmark2 of how to make love to 2omeone iin a wheelchaiir ehehe

TC: GoDdAaAaAmN.
TC: cOmE oN bRo DoN’t AlL aNd ChAnGe ThE sUbJeCt NoW.
TC: i KnOw It AiN’t My MoThErFuCkIn ImAgInAtIoN tHaT sOmEoNe’S gOt ThE hOtS fOr My MoThErFuCkIn BeSt FrIeNd.

TA: ii don’t know what you’re talkiing about

TC: HaHaHaHa DoN’t Be LiKe ThAt SoLbRo.
TC: I mAy Be StOnEd As FuCk HaLf ThE TiMe BuT i AiN’t BlInD tO tHe MiRaClES oF lOoOoOoOoVe.

TA: gaggiing

TC: If YoU aNd KaRbRo GeT mArRiEd ThEn We’Ll Be MoThErFuCkIn BrOtHeRs-In-LaW!

TA: all riight that’2 iit ii’m done talkiing two you bye

TC: wAiT SoLbRo PlEaAaAaAaAsE!
TC: i MoThErFuCkIn NeEd YoU mAn!

TA: why i2 everyone beiing 2o gay today?
TA: ok 2o hypothetiically 2peakiing let’2 2ay kk and ii have a...thiing
TA: whiich we don’t.
TA: wouldn’t you be cheatiing wiith your iin-laws by fliirtiing wiith me?
TA: 2iince you and kk are be2t bro2

TC: Aw FuCk MaN bUt YoU aNd KaRkAt aIn’T mArRiEd YeT.
TC: aNd ThE eNd JuStIfIeS tHe MoThErFuCkIn MeAnS, yOu HeAr?
TC: C’mOn BrO dO a MoThErFuCkEr A fAvOr AnD i’Ll Up AnD oWe YoU.

TA: …
TA: you’re revoltiing
TA: but fiine. Ii’ll play your stupiid game and me22 around wiith you tomorrow.
TA: But ONLY BECAU2E ii’m tiired of your giiant man-cru2h on TV.
TA: and becau2e ii want to fuck wiith kk’2 valentiine’2 plan2 ehehe.
TA: there’2 no other rea2on.

TC: HaHaHaHaHa YeAaAaAh MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClEs!
TC: KaRkAt WoN’t KnOw WhAt MoThErFuCkIn HiT hIm.
TC: HoOoOoOnK ;o)

twinArmaggedons [TA] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]

——-

Karkat thinks—no, he KNOWS—that he is the world’s greatest best friend. He just came up with a perfect excuse for Gamzee to spend Valentine’s Day with Tavros—and because he doesn’t trust the devil’s rapping duo on their own, he made it seem like HE was the one inviting the two of THEM out so that he could chaperone their dipshittery.

So why did he invite Sollux, too?

Well of fucking course it’s because he doesn’t want to be a third wheel all by himself; if Karkat has to suffer, then by transitive property so should Sollux.

And, well, if Gamzee and Tavros manage to get their heads out of the gutter and kiss by the end of Valentine’s Day, at least Karkat won’t feel so lonely if Sollux is around to make a sarcastic comment.

(He doesn’t want to admit that he wants Sollux to do more than make sarcastic comments).

Yes. Karkat is a fucking genius and this is the best plan ever.

Hopefully.