Elliot had left without so much as a goodbye, and that had hurt. She’d experienced a lot in her time at SVU but that had been one of the most painful things to happen. He wouldn’t return her calls, Cragen had to be the one to tell her and at that point she realized that he had likely blocked her number.
It was as if their 13 years as partners had meant nothing. But she supposed he had lost virtually everything that he cared for, so why should he feel sympathy to her.
It took her a long time to trust again. Even then, she couldn’t fully trust anyone.
Even though Cassidy wasn’t completely out of her life, part of her wished that he was. She loved Brian and she knew that he loved her.
Who else you got in your life? The cop boyfriend? He’s gotta be out of the picture by now, right? There’s no chemistry there. Even the few times he did come you were looking at me , not him .
After all, Cassidy only seemed to bring trouble into her life, rather than happiness and stability.
Before Elliot and before Cassidy, she had lost Calvin. Not her choice, and certainly not Calvin’s choice. She had grown to love and care about him as if he were her son and she wished he could have been. Calvin didn’t deserve to be tossed around from home to home like that by Vivian. She was selfish.
She remembered how Calvin had run back into her arms, pleading and begging not to let him go. She remembered the pain she felt when he was ripped from her arms and taken away. Just like that, as if the time she had spent caring for him had meant nothing. She wished he’d had a choice, she wished she could have kept in her life...And though they did keep in contact, it wasn’t the same as having him in her life like the son she wished he was. Noah should have a big brother like Calvin.
Their relationship had been short, but it was likely the happiest relationship she had been in for a long time. They almost had a perfect relationship, almost. She should have known better, getting involved with someone who worked in the district attorney’s office but love made you blind. He was good to her, he didn’t push her about her job and she didn’t push him about his, it was perfect.
Their time together had been somewhat of a dream, and she hadn’t wanted it to end, but she didn’t want to make it harder on David. That relationship felt like so long ago...she missed him still.
She hated him at first. After all, no one could replace Elliot Stabler, this rookie would never be like Elliot Stabler. She was wrong, she had seen many of the same traits in him that she had seen in Stabler. He had a temper, a good cop with good intentions but poor execution. He had been there for her in a way that Elliot hadn’t.
They were the same, but different.
She felt bad for him really, with his martial issues, his issues surrounding his father...He had a daughter to think about, and later a son whose life he wasn’t apart of. So when he admitted that he was leaving she felt relief more than anything. He wanted to be there for his kids, he wanted to change.
That still didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to know that she was going to be partner-less once more.
Not always had she had romantic feelings towards Ed Tucker. There had been a point where she hated his guts, he always seemed to meddle, always seemed to be looking for any rhyme or reason to get her or Elliot fired. He had been a great nuisance in her life.
Something changed though, in their relationship. It just took an awful long time to happen. She actually got to see a side of him she genuinely didn’t think even existed. He could be kind, he could be caring.
He opened himself to her at a time where she needed it, he was something stable in her life, something unchanging. She actually went to bat for him when he was accused about being part of that sex-ring. No one had ever expected to see her do that for him. They had to confirm the relationship of course and it seemed that ever relationship she couldn’t keep secret seemed to fall apart. Usually quickly like with Haden, but with Ed it was different.
They were happy for a long time, and Noah loved Ed, he fondly called him ‘papa’. But that wasn’t enough to save their relationship.
Marriage, Olivia could commit to. But retirement? She wasn’t ready to commit to that, and so she and Tucker went their separate ways.
Their time together had been all too short. He was supposed to be moving on to bigger and better things, and he hadn’t got the chance.
Mike was unlike his father, he wanted to make his own name for himself, his own reputation. He was determined and kind and he didn’t deserve the fate this cruel world handed him. He was good to the victims, he wasn’t rough around the edges unless he had to be and that was with the perps. He had died selflessly putting himself in harms way to protect Lisa.
She wished that he had more time here amongst the living.
I’m you now, Liv. You opened my heart, and I thank you for it.
Part of her felt like any idiot, she hadn’t even thought she would have to part with Rafa. She wanted to scream at him, scream at his like someone who was hysterical for him to come back, for him to stay. All good things must come to an end, she supposed.
She thought he’d been some arrogant pain the ass when she first met him, and eventually when he opened his eyes and truly started to see the victims and their stories, and started to truly put his whole heart into his work, into these cases.
Her heart seemed to crack and shatter in a way that it hadn’t before when he told her that he had to move on. He had to move on...so he had to leave her alone, once more, in this cruel world.
She wanted to run after him, she wanted to fall to her knees and sob and clutch his pant leg and beg him not to leave her alone in this world, not to leave her alone like everyone else had. But instead she took a deep and shaky breath, the tears becoming heavier until they clouded her vision and he warped into a fuzzy figure walking away until she could see him no longer. A coldness clutched her body once more.
Good things don’t seem to last in the life of Olivia Benson.
He would be a part of her forever, no matter how hard she tried to get rid of him, his presence still seemed to be attached to her, even in death. She would think he was finally gone then suddenly something would happen and whenever she was called into question somehow, someway his named to seemed to come up and there it was. That presence that seemed to instill dread into her, a dread that it took a long time to shake off.
Olivia supposed that he was the only man who seemed to be a leech in her life, while others left, he stayed, much to her dismay.
William Lewis was a man who told half-truths. He had been half-right, when he told her that there was no chemistry between she and Cassidy. There WAS chemistry between them, just not a chemistry that was healthy, that she could acknowledge.
She wondered why it was that only the bad ones that seem to want to stay in your life. She could still feel his hands on her body, violating her. She knew that if she showed any emotion, any fear that he wouldn’t be able to rape her and perhaps part of him had known it too.
Noah had entered her life at a time when she was at her absolute lowest. Lewis had been dead for a few months yes, but his presence was still there. She spend her days in her apartment mostly alone, and the silence was like a noose around her neck. Some nights she laid awake and wondered if she could do this anymore.
Noah was the complete opposite of William Lewis. While Lewis represented all that was bad in her life, Noah represented all that was good in her life, and because of Noah she was able to break free of the Beast’s grasp.
Lewis was right, she would never truly forget him, but he had not won a victory over her. Noah had restored her and renewed her strength and her resolve.
Olivia couldn't help but think of the one in her life that almost got away, that fear that gripped her surrounding what had happened.
Olivia loved her son. Olivia would die for Noah if that’s what it took to keep him safe and happy. She had almost lost him, too. Had they not realized that Sheila had taken Noah she supposed she might never see her son again, and that was a thought that Olivia simply could not live with. Fear was almost natural for a parent, but the fear she felt that someone was going to take Noah from her again, was a fear that almost crippled her.
Still though, Olivia longed for a different kind of love. She saw that love blossoming every day in those around her, on TV, randomly on the streets.
But she couldn’t have it, and that wasn’t fair.