As I pressed myself against him, I felt his racing heartbeat pound against my chest, beating almost as fast as mine, proving that he was putting just as much effort into this as I was. It was exhilarating, exciting and as his lips met mine everything around me seemed to spark with my excitement. I didn't want this to end, didn't want to let him go but I always did and with a smile for the audience Gackt was heading to the right side of the stage where he would molest his best friend as I teased Chachamaru in a similar fashion. Only this part of the fan service was different because it wasn't real, wasn't an honest display of my feelings. Touching Chachamaru was a game to excite the crowd, touching Gackt was my reality, though I knew one day it would end. I was nothing to Gackt but a convenient outlet for his passion and whilst once I hadn't minded in the slightest, now every passionate night broke my heart because I loved him despite knowing that he would never return my feelings.
The live ended soon after this final display of affection and I made my way to the changing rooms exhausted. I was so tired that part of me didn't even want to return to Gackt's room, knowing that if I did the other vocalist wouldn't seem tired in the slightest. My lover was like a robot with an almost unlimited source of energy and he'd certainly want me in his bed tonight. At least I thought so but as I watched he whispered something in You's ear and the two disappeared together, leaving me confused as my brain protected me from the reality. Gackt had moved on, tonight I wouldn't warm his bed. You was back in his life and I had been cast aside without even a fair-well.
Naturally after that I didn't feel like doing anything at all but I had to shower and get changed so reluctantly I did these things, my mind not really on what I was doing. I felt like nothing could break this mood, that there was no point doing anything at all, so whilst the others talked about going out for drinks I sat by myself playing games on my phone not wanting to be the first to leave, as doing so would give my feelings away. I had promised Gackt I wouldn't care when he got bored of me, I had told him I understood and just needed a sexual outlet too, but even then, I had been lying. How can anyone just stay friends with Gackt?
“You're not coming?” Chachamaru asked and startled I looked up to find the rest of the band had left and it was just the two of us remaining.
“No.” I replied, unable to come up with an excuse fast enough, not that Chachamaru would have believed me anyway.
“Then I won't either,” The guitarist replied with a shrug. “Come on, we're going to my room to relax.”
“I just want to go to bed.” I complained.
“To sulk because Gackt left you?” Chachamaru demanded. “Well you can forget about him right now.”
“How can I?” I asked. “He just ditched me as if I was nothing.”
“He used you to make You jealous and when it worked he left. Nothing you can do about it,” Chachamaru scolded. “Consider it a blessing.”
“A blessing?” I asked startled but Chachamaru merely smiled and before I knew what was happening he had me pinned down as he stared at me with such intensity I felt like a child again.
“I want you Jon,” Chachamaru explained. “I won't let you go, tonight I'll make you mine. I'll care for you Jon.”
“But I don't love you.” I argue.
“You will.” Chachamaru reassured me, bending down to kiss me so tenderly that I couldn't help but agree with him. Perhaps it would be nice to be with a man who cared for me? Who'd look after me and protect me from harm? I was a very sexual man, every relationship I had centred around the bedroom but Chachamaru's kiss promised me something different, it promised me romance and affection and I was hooked from the start. Is it possible to love two people? Of course it is, the heart yearns for affection and falls for those who can give it and so, despite my surprise over Chachamaru's sudden behaviour, I found myself returning to his hotel room for reasons that went beyond revenge.
“Are you hungry?” Chachamaru asked as he picked up the room service menu, he hadn't made a move on me once after I had agreed to come here but that was the kind of man he was; Caring for others before himself. His actions before had been so out of character that I had to wonder where they came from, only the second the thought crossed my mind I knew the answer. Chachamaru had been lusting after me, the way I lusted after Gackt and the second I had been free he had made his desperate attempt to win my affection, in any little way he could find. So what if it was a stolen kiss? If he could taste my lips just once, then it was worth it and silently I vowed not to hurt Chachamaru, the way Gackt had hurt me.
“Cha, what if we don't fall in love?” I ask. “Won't this make everything so much harder for you?”
“Don't think about me tonight,” Chachamaru scolded. “You're hurt and I won't take advantage of that. I just wanted you to know my motives tonight aren't entirely selfless. You needed to know what you're getting involved with but now you do, you're just my friend who needs caring for. So I repeat; Are you hungry?”
“Yes.” I admit glancing at the menu but knowing what to order instantly. Being the only foreigner in the band had placed certain expectations of me, stereotypes the rest of the band seemed to love to indulge in and so despite myself I find myself ordering a burger. Who cared about the calories and the carbohydrates, I was heartbroken and it would make Chachamaru happy to see me eat it. Just my choice made him smile but as I heard him place an order for two burgers and strawberries I smiled too. Chachamaru wasn't joking when he said he had ulterior motives but it was just like him to show his hand before the game began, he'd make a terrible poker player but he was an amazing friend and I couldn't help but remember all the times he had been there for each of us, time and time again. Perhaps it was about time somebody did something to please him for a change and it wasn't like I could honesty think of any reasons why he wouldn't make a great boyfriend, if you excluded my own feelings for Gackt of course.
When the food came I ate my burger eagerly, realising I was starving. I probably forgot my manners during this time but if I did Chachamaru said nothing, eating his own food with more care. At first we ate in silence but when I finished the guitarist encouraged me to speak to him in English as he finished his own meal.
“Why would you want me to do that?” I asked, surprised by this request.
“Three reasons,” Chachamaru explained. “The first being that it'll make it easier for me to pretend we are in America. Second, I need to practise my own English and listening to you will help.”
“The third?” I prompt as the guitarist seemed reluctant to continue.
“You sound sexy when you speak your own language. Foreign and dangerous but also exciting.” Chachamaru admitted.
“Is that so?” I ask before grinning as an idea came to mind. On autopilot I began to quote nursery rhymes from my childhood, realising as I did that each one was truly new to my friend. He must have got the gist of what I was saying but he didn't stop me, listening intently as he finished his meal. Even then I continued until I could think of no more before finally falling silent and helping myself to a bottle of water from the mini bar.
“Come sit on the bed?” Chachamaru requested and hesitating for only a moment I went and sat beside him, even going as far as to lean against him as he began to feed me the strawberries knowing I was leading him on but desperate for the comfort he had to offer.
“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?” I ask Chachamaru, who quickly agreed and feeling sleepy I stripped down to my underwear and got under the covers, turning my back to the guitarist but allowing him to hold me as I fell asleep. As far as I know he made no attempt to touch me in any other way but I slept really well that night and I can't say what happened after I fell asleep. Not that it mattered to me what Chachamaru did to me, in my time of need he had been the only one to offer comfort and if it wasn't for him I don't know how I would have faced the next concert, never mind finish the tour.
Morning came and I returned to my own room to get changed and freshen up before meeting Chachamaru in the breakfast room. He took longer than me, probably fussing over that beautiful long hair of his, and seeing Gackt was almost enough to have me running back to my room. He was still with You, flirting heavily and sitting so close they were almost on each other’s laps. He smiled at me and I managed to return his silent greeting, reluctantly sitting at the same table and burying my head in the menu, pretending I didn't know what I wanted to eat though I always had cereal followed by a bowl of fruit.
“Jon are you OK?” You asked, looking worried as he noticed my unusual behaviour. I wanted to slap him in the face for stealing my man but I re-framed as it was clear from his concern that he had no idea just how badly Gackt had treated me.
“Just deciding what I want.” I reply, waving Chachamaru over as I saw him approach, relieved that he was here to break some of the tension at the table.
“You always have cereal and fruit.” You commented, glancing at Gackt as if to get some kind of explanation for my behaviour from him.
“I want a change,” I reply as Chachamaru sat down. “Pancakes sound good.”
“You can't eat pancakes for breakfast!” Gackt exclaimed, horrified by my choice. In his head he probably saw my breakfast as nothing but layers of sugar and fat sitting on a bed of carbohydrates but right now I didn't give a damn what he thought of me. Chachamaru was what mattered and I knew he enjoyed watching me embrace what he saw as my heritage.
“I think I'll have them too.” Chachamaru replied in open defiance to Gackt's dietary restrictions. Our beloved vocalist looked stunned as we ordered our breakfast and made his excuses to leave the second he saw them arrive, leaving You behind to pry into my business which he did without any tact.
“So, what's going on here?” You demanded. “First I hear a rumour that you two shared a bedroom last night and now this.”
“It's not my place to say,” Chachamaru replied. “And I won't let you pressurise Jon either.”
“No Cha, You needs some kind of explanation,” I speak up, realising that no matter how much I want to blame You for all this, the guitarist had done nothing more than take his ex-boyfriend back. “Did you know Gackt and I were sleeping together?”
“More or less,” You admitted. “Is that what this is about?”
“Gackt didn't exactly break up with Jon in the nicest way,” Chachamaru explained on my behalf. “Last night was the first he knew that you two had got back together and naturally he was a bit upset.”
“Oh. I'm sorry Jon,” You apologised. “I didn't know you two were even a couple. I thought... well Gackt told me you were just friends with benefits and you wouldn't care less. I should have thought though, nobody can sleep with Gackt and just be his friend, no matter how he feels about things.”
“It's partly my fault,” I admit. “Don't feel bad You. I admit I have thought about hurting you but really you've done nothing wrong.”
“Still,” You replied reaching over to take my hand. “I will have words with him, don't you worry.”
“No You, don't,” I get out quickly. “Just leave it OK? Gackt just didn't understand how I felt about him.”
“Are you sure?” You asked but at that moment Takumi arrived for breakfast and we quickly changed the subject to happier things, as I did my best to let my feelings for Gackt go. Beneath the table Chachamaru's hand found mine and I held on grateful for the guitarists continuing support and silently vowing that I would find a way to be happy with him. I didn't know it at the time but I was already falling madly in love with Chachamaru, my white knight to Gackt's black.