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Longest Novel: Fall of the Republic

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It was in May 28 2020, when a forty six year old author was sitting down in his chair in his room, figuring that he was wanting to give the idea of writing his adventures a chance. He was figuring that there was finally no longer any point in hiding it any longer. He was telling himself that he had wanted to tell thousands of people what was going on in his life, and he was wanting them to see that he truly was wishing to express his creativity to make them entertained as well.
His name was T.K. Shioda, and he was sitting down, thinking about the best way he could tell his series to thousands of other people, and he was wondering if he was really thinking that this was the proper way to get people to take him serious. Was just words on paper, with relative lack of evidence, going to actually get them to believe in him? Was his desire to just write down the truth, and write it well, the thing that would have made them listen to him? When he was sitting down, and he was genuinely thinking about it, the less certain that he was going to be on the actual event. So with that, he was sighing, and figured that he was just going to stop telling himself to be afraid on this.
The only thing that he had wanted to do was just finally get this over with. In a way, he was tired of hiding, and he was tired of denying his right to let people know what had been happening in his life. So with that, he was just thinking that once he had started to tell the truth, and once he had started to get people to know that he was telling the truth, maybe he would know what he was getting himself into.
So with that, he was opening up his computer, and he was getting to the first blank document, and he was just telling himself, trying to bargain with himself one final time to just not even do it, but when he was telling himself not to do this, and not to be a coward anymore, and just to do it, and get it over with. But when T.K. knew what he was wanting to do, and he was just thinking about the fact that the story was going to be helping him fine pace, that was the thing that finally made him feel like it was just the right choice to be doing this. So with that, he was rubbing his eyes, and he was telling himself that there was no more hiding.
And besides, there was one other thing that he needed to remind himself when looking at this. He knew that his wife was going to be coming home with their just born child, and when he was thinking about that, he was smiling, and laughing, and realized that in a way, him having a family was the only reason that he was getting himself into this in the first place. As he was thinking about his kids new life, he was aware that there was literally no other fucking option.
As T.K. was sighing about that, he was thinking that his family was the main thing that he was caring about. He did not know what it was like to have a family that he had cared about so much that he was willing to give up everything that he had to make it all work out for him. He was not really sure if he was going to have the best way to describe it to somebody who had never had any kids, but when he was seeing how it was affecting his overall demeanor with each passing year after he had met his wife, he was sighing, and he was just realizing how glad that he was to be having something like this after all.
As he was realizing that his family was the main thing driving him, and as he was realizing that he had cared more about being a normal person than he had ever expected, he was finding himself realizing that maybe he had finally faced his evolution as a man. He was shaking his head though, thinking that he was not allowed to think about them quite yet. Once he was feeling like he had expressed his mind enough, and once he had gotten people to listen to him, and once they knew he was being sincere, they were going to support him, and go all the way with him.
T.K. knew that for the way for him to be able to be there for him and his family, was for him to focus exclusively on this material for the time being, until he had finally gotten the stories down, and until they had finally all felt like he had explained himself enough. But despite how much he was hating to admit it, and despite how much he was wishing to just find a way to get out of this material all on his own, he was aware of the brutal fact that there was no way that he was going to accomplish this all by himself. He was needing to get somebody at his side, to help them with the smaller details at the very least.
Despite how much he was wishing to deny it, T.K. was also hoping deep down inside that this was his chance to be able to get his family, and his friends to all meet each other, for the past to be buried, and for everybody to truly know what was going on. T.K. was genuinely telling himself that he was doing the right thing. He had not once felt like he was doing anything wrong.
As T.K. felt that this was the best way for him to go through this, T.K. was smiling, remembering what it was like to be with those people. He realized that in a small way, he was still having a small amount of immaturity to be showing something like this. Despite what he was wanting to deny, T.K. felt like he was just using this as his biggest chance ever to take advantage of others.
Eventually, T.K. sighed, and he was just feeling like he was going to get this over with. He was thinking about who he was going to be talking with first. He was thinking about his main options. There were some people that he had known he was not going to even bother wasting his time trying to contact. Such as Mimi. Not because she had hated him or anything, but mainly because she was seriously broken by what had happened.
T.K. had felt like the idea of working with her was just cruel to her, and he was feeling like she deserved better than this. So with that, T.K. felt like that was totally out of the fucking option. She was barely scraping along in life now, after what had happened. And despite the fact that he was wanting to act like it had been enough time for her to get over it, he knew deep down that he was being a fucking monster for even suggesting such a fucking thing.
As he realized where he was going with this, T.K. was deciding that he was going to just leave her alone. There was Izzy, who was possibly an option. But T.K. and Izzy had probably not talked in a good two or three years, and Izzy would be so puzzled at the idea of him trying to reach out to him at all, that he was going to just tell T.K. he was much too busy to even bother trying to discuss anything with him. So with that, T.K. was sighing, and felt like Izzy deserved better than what he was doing to them all.
As T.K. brushed Izzy out of the option, T.K. had his third option as Matt. He was thinking that Matt would maybe work under a better case. But that was just not happening. T.K. had known damn well that he was not going to be getting Matt excited about talking with him, after several small things that had built up to virtual dissatisfaction with getting to even know each other anymore.
One of the main things being the fact that T.K. was into much younger women. He had dated younger people almost exclusively for his entire adult life, and despite the fact that he was having legal dates and stuff, Matt had felt like he was just a bit unsure of what the hell to tell him. T.K. knew that it was his wife that had placed it over the edge. The fact that he was roughly double his wives age, and then finally just had a kid, was just hard for him. The last time they had a relatively positive discussion was when they were celebrating their father's 100th birthday back in March 12th, and they had not shared a word in two months.
Plus after the death of his wife back in 2016. T.K. was certain that any chances that Matt would have to be in general open about anything was being thrown out the window. T.K. did not fully blame the man, but at the same time, he was hating the fact that his brother was using what happened to his wife as an excuse to just treat other people like shit, when they had done nothing to deserve it at all.
There was Tai, who T.K. wasn't even sure would fully admit to the events that had happened. Part of T.K. was fully expecting Tai to just pretend like these events never happened, and would totally unsurprised if Tai would just say that he was going crazy, or that he was just trying to tell a story. As annoyed as that idea made T.K., he was not shocked at this at all, and was fully expecting something like this.
So with that, T.K. was reluctantly telling himself that Tai might not even be a option in the first place. So with that, T.K. was left with only one option left. That was Joe, who was the oldest member of the initial seven, at fifty one years old. He was going to have more memories of what he had. These events happened in 1986, when T.K. was just twelve years old, and while some would say Joe being seventeen was still like a kid, it was leaps and bounds different compared to just twelve.
So as T.K. was thinking about what he had been getting himself into, T.K. was telling himself that maybe he was just needing to give the Joe call a chance. Besides, he had felt like the worst that was going to happen was that Joe was going to just tell him off, and say that he was too busy to do the job. Which was not the end of the world.
In a way, T.K. had felt like maybe Joe rejecting the idea of this was going to be the best way to go about this. But until he was getting there, he was not even going to be considering this idea. He was going to just consider what he was going to tell Joe in a call, and justify the idea of calling him after five months of no contact. Joe lasted talked with him on new years day, and T.K. didn't even bother telling him that his wife was now four months pregnant.
Despite the fact that the more he was thinking about it, the more he was seeing how truly awful of a friend he really was, he was just telling himself that this was going to be his redemption, and that he just needed to focus on the second chances. So with this, he was sighing, and he was getting ready to just make the call, and in a way, he was going to just roll the dice, and see what Joe was going to be saying here.
So when he called, Joe answered after just four seconds of waiting, which was making T.K. happy. "Hey Joe, how are you?" T.K. asked, just trying to keep himself excited as hell. When Joe was hearing T.K.'s fear as well as joy, he was feeling like he had just needed to see where T.K. was going to be heading with this.
"I was wanting to talk to you guys about something important. Something that I think you might want to help me out on." T.K. said, and he was wondering if Joe was just going to tell him off, or if Joe was actually going to be listening, and actually give him a chance, and be able to see if he was going to actual help. "I know you might be kind of confused about this, and I do not blame you." Once he was done, Joe was sighing, and decided to just give this a chance.
He had no idea what to believe or reject, but he was just going to not reject at least hearing what T.K. was wanting to talk about, and sighed, telling himself that he was probably going to regret this. "So T.K., what is going on?" After he had asked T.K. this, that was when T.K. was just collecting his thoughts, and jumped right to the main point.
"The truth of the matter is, is that I want to tell the world the story that we had gone through back in the summer of eighty six. I mean, people are going to probably not believe in me, but I feel like I just need to at least. I need to just take a leap of faith, and at least give myself a chance." After T.K. said that to Joe, that was when he was taking a long and deep breath, and he was wondering what T.K. would have gone on to say to this idea.
"T.K., do you really believe that this is a good idea?" Joe asked, and T.K. was not wanting to waste their time, and he was not wanting to deal with Joe trying to tell him off, so with that, he was getting right to the point, and he was going to make his voice heard, even if it was going to be pissing him off.
"It is a better idea than nothing at all. I mean, I know that people are going to tell me that I should not do this. I know that people are going to deny the right for me to do this, but I don't care. I want to make a choice. I am going to just tell the story, and if people want to listen to me, great, and if not, then I will not be surprised, but I will be glad to just give it a chance." T.K. said, and then he was waiting for Joe to respond, if he was going to try and say much at all.
"Alright, I will give you a chance, but only because you're a friend, and I want to help you out." After Joe said that, that was all that T.K. had needed, and that was the only thing that T.K. felt like he truly deserved here. There was no real reason for T.K. to even assume that something else was going to be happening.
"Thank you. I knew that I was probably never going to be getting anything else from you guys, and while that is a shame, I just knew that I have to be realistic when looking at this." T.K. said, and then he was wondering how likely it was that Joe was going to really help him out. T.K. was wondering if perhaps Joe was going to truly believe in what they were getting themselves into. T.K. did not know, and honestly, he did not care what was happening.
"Joe, I know that you guys wanted to just put this behind us. I mean, I was the exact same way. I was telling myself to never come back here. But I always told myself that I just needed to give this a chance. I never wanted to just pretend like this was something I could escape forever. I think that us writing this down might truly be for the best." After he was done saying that, this was when he had known that Joe was never going to buy it.
"I never thought that we could put it behind us forever. I just thought that maybe I could give myself the illusion to doing something like that. You know, just to pretend like there was no need to worry about this. I never really thought that it was gone forever though." After Joe said that to T.K., that was when T.K. was sighing, feeling like Joe was being a good man, and that he was also being a realistic man at this whole thing.
"I wanted to think that it was at least mildly possible. But I think that maybe if we wanted to do something like that, then we should have gotten people to really listen to our issues. I think that once I do this though, and once the world has listened to us, then I think that we can all be proud of where we are going." T.K. said, and that was when he was telling himself that everything he was saying was a load of shit, and that he was just needing to cut out the crap.
"Anyways, I just feel like it is more important for me to truly confront the past, and show the people around me that I am no longer afraid of what I need to tell. I think that now that I know there is a story to tell, and a way for those around us to hear it, I think that I am willing to just be honest with others." After he was done saying that, this was when Joe was deciding that he was going to ask the main question that he had felt like really mattered here.
"T.K., can you answer one question that I think is really important?" After Joe asked T.K. this, that was when T.K. sighed, feeling like this was going to be something that he might regret, but something that he was needing to be asked nonetheless, so with that, he was just letting Joe just go at it.
"What is it? I mean, we are getting deep into this, so I will let you have a chance." I said, and then after I had said that, he was taking a breath, and I was telling myself to just be careful, and that no matter what he was going to ask me, I was going to be slightly annoyed, but I was needing to just be patient with him, no matter where this was going to head.
"What is the true reason you decided to write this story down? I don't want to call you out for bullshit or anything like that, but I feel like there is more to this than you just wanting to make your mind at ease. I feel like there is something going on, that is keeping you just wishing to branch out." After Joe said this to T.K., this was when T.K. was sighing, and he was thinking that Joe might be angry for not telling him the truth months ago, but he was just needing to get it over with.
"I have a son who is going to be born today. His name is Trent. He is coming home tonight, and I wanted to get a head start before he comes home, that way we can have a start on what I need to just get done." T.K. said, and he was just preparing himself for what Joe was going to say. He was preparing himself for Joe getting angry at him, and telling him that he had just needed to say that at the start months ago.
"I was just scared to tell you since I was feeling you might not have been all that interested in hearing about it. I always felt like maybe you were just going to tell me that I needed to stop talking about it." After T.K. had said that, he was sighing, feeling like this was silly for him to be worried about, but now that he was just telling the truth, he was almost feeling like he had needed to get this over with. Joe was taking a second to reply before answering.
"That is great to hear. I did not think you were ever going to be doing something like that though. I thought that this was something that you were just sort of out of the range of." After Joe said that, this was when T.K. sighed, and slightly rolled his eyes, wanting to pretend like Joe was full of shit, but in a way, he was thinking that maybe Joe was onto something this time.
"I know. I think that it is just kind of strange that this is happening. I don't know how better to describe it." T.K. finished, and then he was wondering if Joe really knew what to say. Joe was wondering if he had wanted to say more, and if he was wanting to talk with T.K., but in a way, he did not want to force anything else onto T.K., or risk anything at all, so he was just remaining silent on this.
"Hey T.K. I think that maybe we should be letting go now. I will head on my way there. I will be there as soon as you can. But you can get started while you wait for me. And congratulations for having the kid by the way." After Joe had said that to T.K., this was when the discussion was coming to a close, and that there was literally no need to keep the phone conversation up any longer, and he was able to just leave.
"Bye Joe, thanks for working with me again. I am so fucking happy to know at least one man is at my side." After T.K. finished this, that was when he was letting the conversation go, and then he was hanging up the phone, and he was feeling like there was several things going on in his mind, and he was wishing to finally just get a real answer. But that such a thing was just going to be really fucking difficult to deal with.
T.K. was rubbing his eyes, feeling like he had wished to find a way to carry this conversation better for everybody involved. Despite the issues T.K. had with Joe, that was when he was telling himself that he had wanted to work harder and longer with him, but that if he was going to do such a thing, T.K. was needing to show him that he was being serious. He was needing to show Joe and the others that he was not using them, and that he was genuinely wanting what he had felt like was best.
Once T.K. was done with this, he was going back to his document, and he was thinking about where he was going to start. After a couple of seconds of thinking about it, and just trying to find something to start with, that was when T.K. had felt like he was having a place to start. He was feeling like despite the fact that many would feel like this was an unconventional place to start, that he just needed to go with this, since it was the hardest story to tell, but that by telling everybody what the truth was, he was going to truly do people justice. That was the only thing that truly mattered. So with that, he started to write down the few bits and pieces that he did remember, slowly gathering a title, and letting the slow brewing storm coming onto the screen.
When he had just written a couple of sentences, there was a text message that he had been given though. Something that he was wishing that had never happened, especially when he was in the middle of the one project in his life that mattered. Then he was staring at the message a couple of seconds, and when he saw it, and processed it fully, he was now scared.
'I know what you are getting into.' After the text showed him this message, that was when T.K. was actually kind of scared, and he was feeling like the idea that he was getting this text less than two minutes after he started to write the book of his life, was just the one big thing that was putting him over the edge. He was sighing, telling himself not even to waste his time on this, and just brush it off as a joke. But the timing got him.
Not only did the timing get him, but the fact that there was no number from the text. It was literally just blank, and T.K. had heard about things like this before, but he was never seeing such a thing before, and that was when T.K. knew that there was indeed something happening now. That was when he was sighing, and knew that he really had no choice but to just wonder where the hell this text was going to be leading him.
He was thinking that this was either the most important text of his life, or the dumbest prank he ever had. Less than ten seconds after he had thought that, there was a text from him telling him a number to call. After the text had shown him this, that was when there was another forty seconds or so of silence before there was one more text that was related to what was going on with contacting, and sort of affirming that this was not a joke.
'I know that this is going to be hard for you to finish. Call me tonight, and we have some important matters to discuss.' After the text was finished with this, that was when T.K. was sighing, wondering what the hell he was going to be doing now. He was wondering if perhaps he really had a choice or not. He was sighing, and told himself that deep down, he did not have a choice, and that he just needed to get this over with. He just needed to call the number, and hope that they had some information.
He was wanting to give this a chance as a false contact, and that was why he placed the phone down for about ten minutes or so, writing a couple of loose sentences for his story before he decided to just get it over with, and see what the hell this man was trying to accomplish now.

Chapter Text

-Todd Jr's POV Nov 23 1993 3:38 pm- I was waiting for my parents to show up with our newest sibling. You know, considering the fact that my parents wanted to have yet another kid. I mean, I did not want to stop them from the roll that they were on. But I think that they might need to stop soon because this was getting to be quite a huge load. But to be honest, I was feeling like they were just happy to be having something at all. And I felt like I needed to just be there for them, and not make it seem like it was going to be all that big of a deal and all that.

My name is Todd Jr, and this story really started when my youngest brother came home one day with my parents. I was the oldest of eleven siblings, and was about twenty years old at the time that this had happened. I was used to something like this by now. Although I was curious on when my parents were going to be deciding that enough was enough, and that we needed to stop.

My second oldest sibling was Gabe, and he was eighteen at the time that our youngest had shown up. He was a nice guy and everything, but despite the fact that I would be fucked up if I said it out loud, I was kind of wondering if he he mental issues, and that maybe he might have been retarded or something like that. I mean, I did not want anybody to know what I was feeling in fear of them hurting me for thinking this way, but if you knew him, it would make some sense. I mean, he barely could do simple ass math.

The second oldest was Josiah, who was fifteen when this story had started. He was doing his own thing, and I was feeling like perhaps he was going to be the one who would be forced to watch the family when I eventually moved out. I was much more comfortable with something like that happening. Although I felt like maybe he could have been less crazy with his whole music crazy phase. Since that was all that he ever talked about, and all he ever wanted to work on.

Then again, he was a decent man, and I had no real reason to believe that he was ever going to be putting anybody else behind him for his own gain. Or at least I doubt that he would be doing something like this on purpose. If he did something like that, I feel like he would have seen his mistake, and he would have corrected his ways. Or at least he would have tried to go on and correct the way he was handling this all.

But to be honest, I was feeling like he was probably just off doing his own thing, and that I was needing to just accept the fact that he was doing what he had wanted to do. He was just doing something he knew was going to capture his true imagination. And there was nothing wrong with something like this, at all.

The fourth oldest was Seth, and he was eleven at the time that this story started. He seemed to be the most focused on getting a reputation at school. It was pretty much like that was the only thing that he was truly focused on. But I did not blame him to be honest. He was eleven years old and probably had no real goal on what was actually important in life. I feel like if anybody was going to be giving him a hard time for something like this, that would be kind of mean.

The next one was Jack, who was nine years old, and was wanting to get into the sports team. That was pretty much the thing that he had lived and breathed. He had wanted nothing more in the world to get into the sports team, and he had wanted to get everybody to see his clear ambition. I appreciated the effort he was putting in. But at the same time, I felt like maybe there was something about thiis whole thing that I can almost be able to kind of admire.

Lydia was the next one after that, the middle one, and the only girl of the bunch. She was the one that at least gave the impression of trying to be the voice of reason. She had wanted wanted to clearly try and make this whole thing seem less crazy. I had felt like she was just doing her best. She was only seven, so there was only so much that she would really be able to do to help out in any form of fashion. So I just decided not to be too worried on this whole thing.

Then you get to the really young ones. The next one is Henry, and he was five years old. He was kind of already getting into the dark and broody stage of his life, despite being so young. I had no idea that people of that age could have been into something like that. But at least he was harmless about it, so I decided not to push him on any of this since he was just not making a huge deal out of what he had been doing.

After that, you have Dylan, who was the older of two twins. The twins were only three at the time this whole thing started. And they probably had no memory of what was going on at all. Even Henry I felt like could have remembered some of the stories events if you were to press on him a bit. But Dylan and Drake, they probably could not have done something even if they had tried.

Drake was the younger of the two twins, and he was also a lot easier to be dealing with. Did not make nearly as much noise, and was much easier to change and stuff. It would be no suprise that later on, he was the one that would care about things like being clean the most out of them all.

Levi was the next one, and was the second to last one, at only two years old. He was sort of too young to relaly even give natural words, and I was not at all shocked when he would later tell us as we were older that he had no idea what was going on for literally any of this. I felt like when he had said that, this was more just a natural thing than anything else. But I decided that I was not going to be pushing him too rough with details, since he could not help.

The last one was Ridge, who had come home that day as a new born baby. As we were coming home, I was seeing him looking like he was just overwhelmed by everything going on. He had clearly looked like he had wanted to see what was going on here, but had no idea where to go, and what to do. After all, he was a baby who probably had no idea what was going on at all.

I remember when he had come home for the first time. As I was looking there, and seeing him for the first time, I was smiling. At the fact that I had known that no matter what was going on, he was going to be safe, and he was going to be happy. I was thinking that maybe if for nothing else, my parents knew what they were doing, and that I needed to just go easy on them.

As I was coming towards him, feeling like I just needed to be calm and collected, and not be making a huge issue on this, I saw both of my parents looking happy to be bringing them home, and then they were going to be able to show us what it was like to have a full family. "Yeah, we were talking about it, and I think that we were both coming to an agreement that we would be done after this one. You know. Since there are already so many of you guys, that it might be getting hard to handle." My fatyher said, and then I was smiling, but was also slightly confused.

I had wondered why they thought it was such a good idea to have this many in the first place. I had felt like doing this was probably the biggest amount of confusion that I had. The fact that they had wanted to keep this many children in the first place, when it was clearly a lot for them to handle.

But I decided that maybe they just wanted to make the most with what they had, and that I just needed to leave them alone. That I needed to remind myself that at least they were going on and doing something else now.

Besides, I had felt like they were just doing what they could to make sure that nothing was going on, and that these kids were going to be living well. I had felt like I just needed to trust them. I needed to give them a chance, and that I had felt like both of them, especially my mother, had improved greatly over time. And I just needed to remember that first.

As I was remembering that, I had to remind myself to tell some of the other older ones of this. I had remembered more than ever what it was like when she was in her worst state. And I had felt like while she had a lot of stuff that she needed to improve on, I felt like she needed some credit where credit was due. Even if it was going to be hard for me to do this.

"Well, I think that this would be good news for everybody who is involved. I think we would all like a slightly more calm and quiet house. I mean, even if it is fun to see new siblings coming in all the time, I think we need to just relax a bit with it all." I said, and then I looked right at them, and they were both looking a bit unsure what the heck they were going to try and say now. But I had felt that my statement would have helped out a bit more.

"Well, it is going to be a really long experience. I am already feeling like we are going to be having a big road ahead of us. I mean, even if we stopped now, when Ridge graduates high school, you will be thirty eight years old, and you will probably be old enough to decide if you are going to want to continue having kids, or if you will have any at all." My parents were telling me, and that realization of my age was getting to me for a second, as I was realizing that I was much older than I might really want to admit. I mean, I was not like ancient or anything like that. But that did not mean that I was like a kid either, which was still a bit strange for me to really consider as well.

...

-Nov 23 1993 7:36 pm- I was inside of the room, and I was wanting to pretend like I would be able to able to wrap things up for the day, and pretend like everything was all fine. But I was seeing my room mate Gabe on his bed, and he was looking kind of tired. He was always looking like he was doing something related to school, and never took a damn moment to relax, and see that he did not need to worry so much about this stuff. Kind of ironic he cared so much about school when he was a fucking terrible student. But I decided that I was not going to tell him this.

"Hey, how do you feel that they are having another one? I am honestly kind of surprised at how much they are having kids now;. The whole thing just seems a bit strange to me. The fact that she was barely ever wanting to go on and have kids. Always hated it when she would find out we were guys, but then she started to take it much easier when Lydia showed up." Gabe said, and I was seeing him looking like there was something he did not like about this. I agreed with him, but he was not going to make any difference with what he was saying now.

"I hate to admit it, but I think that she just wanted Lydia more than she would want any of us. I mean, I know you are going to try and deny it. But I think that it is impossible not to jump to that conclusion given the past indications here." I said, and I was looking right at Gabe, wondering what he was going to try and tell me now. Or if he was not wanting to speak more on it.

"I think she does care. But she just simply wanted that daughter more. I mean, it does kind of suck to know that she only cared about having a daughter the most. But I guess that if it makes her happy, that is all that really matters." I saw him say, and I could clearly tell that he was not wanting to really believe in this, and he was just saying it as a bargaining piece.

"I think that if she was like that, she should have tried and branch out, and see what the problem with behaving like that was. She ended up making us all feeling like we were hated. I think that this is much more important than anything else." I said to him, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to hate her as much as I was, considering what we went through, but in a way, I knew he was too nice to hate.

As I realized that he was never going to fully see what it was like, I decided that I would not say anything at all. He was going to be there and not care. He was never going to relaly understand what it was like. And I could not force him to get it. Doing such a thing was only going to be making things much worse for everybody who was involved.

"I want to have some level of resentment honestly. Doing such a thing would make things so much easier. But I know that if I do such a thing, I will never be able to forgive myself. I feel like I just need to accept the way that she was, and get over it soon enough." After Gabe had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was mostly being honest with what he was saying. That there was more to this than he had wanted to admit.

I wondered what it would take for him to feel any hatred towards anybody. Considering the fact that he was normally a very passionate guy who seemed to be taking a lot of liberties when it came to stuff like people pushing him too far. I knew that there was something about patience that he was taught that I would never get. And that was something I was almost able to sort of appreciate about him. The fact that he could never be able to get it in himself to hate.

"I feel like you clearly have something going on with you that I do not. For you to never feel any form of resentment or anything like that. I mean, if I was like you, then I would probably be a much different man." I said, and then I was looking at him, trying to see if he was going to try and take this moment to try and lecture me. Or if he was going to just let me rant, and that he was not going to be saying anything in my pity phase.

"Listen, it is not that big of a deal. People just do their own thing, and I think you will be fine. You are too worried about something that is not really even all that big of a deal. You are worried about how mom treated us years ago. If I cared so much, I would have told her what my problems were, and she would have understood by now. But I feel like letting go is the only thing that I can do without going insane. I know you have a couple of extra years on me, and that might be a part of it, but I think deep down you want to give it up to. There is just that part of you that does not want to admit it." After Gabe had said that to me, I was looking at him, wondering how much he was going to push it. But then again, I knew he was right.

I knew that he was just trying to sound helpful, and that he was wanting to calm me down here. But it was just something that I do not think was really going to be possible. I feel like if I were to try and calm down, I would be really letting her off to easily here. "I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to let go. I just don't know if I want to let go is the thing." I said, and shook my head at the way I had said that.

"I think you don't want to be having this level of anger. I think you don't really want to hate her anymore, but you are just unable to let go. You are feeling like if you do not stop hating or something like that, you will never be able to fully forget what is going on. What happened. But if you start to let go, then you feel like you are making it sort of seem like what happened does not even matter anymore." After Gabe told me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But that he was aware that if he were to try, then I was probably going to try and fight him with this. I was going to try and tell him off. And he was probably not really in the mood for this.

"Well, maybe you really don't know what I am always feeling. What I always feel like is going on is just fucked up. I should have been given more, and then I was not given anything. There was no real reason for any of this to happen. I don't care if she wanted that daughter or not, she did not need to be treating us like total dirt the entire time that it took for her to get one." I said, and then I looked at him, wondering what the heck he was going to try and tell me here. If he had wanted to say anything at all in the first place, scared of the way I was going to take it all.

"Gabe, she was not perfect. I never once again that she was, and I have never once said that you being angry was not valid. But I truly think that after all of this time, there is no real reason to be angry, and even you understand that. But there is something super stubborn with you, that refused to admit that I am right. There is just something in you that refuses to let it go in fear of that being a way to make her feel better about what happened." He was telling me, and I was feeling like maybe there was some truth to this, but I was in no way going to admit this.

"You know, I think you don't really get it. I think you are only pretending to know what it was like to go the first thirteen years of my life like this. And now that you feel like you know where I am coming from, there is that part of you that goes around and tries to act like you are onto something great here." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to defend himself on this now.

"In all honesty, I don't even know how you are getting all this stuff working out. It's like you're an idiot who tries to pretend like you know what it is like to be me." I said, and then I was standing up, placing on my shoes, and I saw him looking like he wanted to fight back, but just could not get it in himself to even do something like this.

In a way, I had wanted him to try and stick up to me. At least if he did something like this, he would have shown some fucking emotion. There would have been something to show that he was not going to be taking my bullshit. I was wanting him to just snap for once in his life. At least with the snapping, I would feel like he was actually growing a pair. But that was never going to fucking happen, as much as I hated to admit it.

I was then walking out of the room, feeling like when I was alone, everything was going to be alright. It was the only thing that I could do for myself to make myself feel better. Was just to go out and do something. Maybe go and rent a movie. To watch that night when everybody was asleep in the family room. I tried to do this every once in a while. Rarely did something like this work out. But I always liked to try and do something like this, as doing such a thing was going to make me feel better about what I was going on through now.

I was getting in my car, and to be honest, I did not care what people were going to be saying about me behind my back. If somebody was going to talk about me behind my back, then I guess that something like this was just going to be a bit of a normal thing. Nobody would be able to convince me this was actually a shock. I knew that there was a lot of tension between me and the members of the family.

Because I had the balls to step up and actually show the people how I had been feeling. I was thinking that my mother was a fucking liar with the way that she was acting. In a way, I had felt like maybe she was just trying to do this to create some reconciliation. But to be honest, I felt like it was much too gone. There was no way in hell I was going to reconcile with what she had been doing about this. Since it was too much to handle.

I was just going to need to find some form of a outlet to make myself feel better. You know, something like a job. I never really thought about what it would be like to get a job. But at least doing something like that would have given me several hours away from my house. Give me several hours to just pretend like I was not going crazy. It was something to just make me feel like it was not fucking crazy that everybody was acting like she was a great woman over literally nothing at all.

I parked my car where the parking lot of the video store was. As I was looking at the store, I was just so annoyed with everything going on that even if I wanted to hold my anger, I knew that something like this was not going to happen. I knew that no matter what I had wanted to do, I was always going to be mad and I had felt like I was needing to just accept the fact that sometimes people think of things differently, and that it was not that big of a deal.

At least I was telling myself this stuff. I was telling myself that it was not really anything that was that big of a issue. I did not know if what I was feeling was true or not. But in a way, I was not even giving a crap. I just needed to express myself in a way that was going to be safe, and going to be getting people to feel like I was not pushing anything too rough. If something like this can be done, then it was going to be great for me.

I was just telling myself that maybe I just needed to go inside, and make myself feel better about what was going on. I was going to just get something, and see if they were hiring or something. Maybe doing this was going to make me feel better, and it was going to give me a small chance of being able to reach out and do something. I did not know if it could be done. But I felt like the attempt was the most important thing that I could have done for myself.

Once I was inside of the video store, I saw that there was a guy who looked like he was in his later twenties or something. The name on the name tag showed "Jeremy" and I did not really feel like what the name tag showed was anything strange. I mean, my parents just named my youngest sibling Ridge. I think that this could have the title for strangest thing that I ever heard in my entire life. But I did not want to be coming off as too rude on it.

I was looking at the stuff in the store for a bit, trying to find something to rent. I felt like I just needed to get something, and by doing so, the guy would probably have been much more willing to work with me here. But I was feeling like unless if I found something good, then it was just going to be a bit of a pointless endeavor.

I was grabbing something that looked like some cheap comedy that I don't even remember the name of. I walked over to him, and then dropped the dvd where the counter was, and I was seeing Jeremy coming, and was looking like he did not really have much to say besides just buying up the dvd for my rental. As he was doing this, I decided to ask a question about the idea of getting some form of empoyment.

"Hey, I know this might be sounding a bit random and stuff, but do you have something like job applications that I can fill out here? You know, so I can have a chance to work here?" I asked and I saw him looking like he was unsure of what he was going to tell me here. He was clearly looking like he was not wanting to tell me something. In the fear of what I was going to tell him. But then he was shrugging, thinking it was not really all that big of a deal.

"I mean, I am not publicly hiring right now. But if you really wanted to go on and work here, then you have every right to. I guess that I can pull application out, and see what I can find here." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him going around, looking like he was just trying to find something that he had felt like could have given him anything to help me out with this. But I saw that maybe he was just sort of more reluctant to do this in fear that I was not really wanting to do any form of work on this.

I had felt like I just needed to try and find something to do to make him feel like I was not lying to him. But to be honest, there was a part of me that was feeling like he was never going to fully be easy on me. I knew that he was going to be a harder type of dude on me. That type of guy who was not going to be taking any nonsense from anybody. Which meant that if I was messing up on the job at all, then I was going to have a price to pay at the end.

"What would make you want to get a job here in the first place? I mean, this is not a very high profile place, and therefore you are not going to be getting much business here. So this is not going to be super exciting, if you want to do something like that." He had told me, and then I looked right at him, trying to find something else to say. But I did not really know if I had any further desire to discuss what we were doing.

"I just need to not be at my house on a constant basis. Too much bullshit going on here. At least this would be something to take my mind off of things for a bit. And trust me, anything like this is going to matter more than anything." After I had said that to him, I was looking right at him to see what his face would be. He looked like I might have been going insane if I truly believed this was going to be some form of better and more exciting route. But he clearly knew it was none of his business, so he decided not to say anything at all.

"Well, I guess that I will not be asking you what is going on. I mean, I have a feeling that even if I did, you would probably be telling me off, and acting like I had pushed you off too far." After he had said that, he was placing the paper in front of me that I was going to have to fill out to do my job application.

I was just feeling like this was going to be the only chance that I had, and that I just needed to take advantage of it soon enough. "I will fill this out and will give it back to you guys when my rental here is up. I feel like I will need to have something to make get into the swing of things. Anything to give me a chance to get out of the house for a bit." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was truly wanting to say more, but felt like if I was going to do something like this, bring this up all the time, he might be thinking that I might be obssessed with something like this.

"Well, I think that you need to not be so set on having something here. I will not lie to you when I tell you that this place kind of fucking blows to be honest. I mean, you might enjoy it. But I personally don't reallly get much out of it." He said, looking at me, as if feeling like the honesty was going to be getting him some points here. But at the same time, I was seeing him looking like he was kind of aware that he might regret saying this soon enough.

"I will see if I enjoy something like this. I think that if for nothing else, it might be worth just trying out. Who knows, I might be enjoying this much more than you think." I said, and I did not mean to say in a way to challenge him. But I had felt like there was a genuine chance of something like this happening. He looked at me, as if feeling like there was no point in even try and argue with me on anything like this. Like he had known that I was not going to change my mind here.

"Well, I hope that you are going to be able to repress your annoyance with what is going on with your family long enough to suffer through these shifts if you do end up working here." After he had said that to me, I was then nodding, feeling like nothing mattered. I was walking out of the store, feeling like if this worked, I would be happy, and then something could feel like it was working out perfectly. That I did nothing wrong at all.

...

-Nov 23 1993 10:50 pm- I was in my room once again, and I was sitting down, I saw Gabe looking kind of pissed at me, and I knew that no matter what I was going to tell him, he was clearly thinking that I was pushing him a bit too far, and that he was honestly kind of over my shit. That he was tired of me treating him so badly. But I did not really know what the heck was going to be said to him to make him feel better on all that was going on.

I knew that sooner or later, I would have messed up too much for my own good, and that I would have needed to just face what I had done with a level of dignity. I was then feeling like I needed to at least approach the subject, and then make him feel like maybe I was not such a hard ass here. Since that was not the impression I wanted to be giving him, even if he was feeling that way about me right now.

"Look, I know that I am not the best brother in the world. I have said some really bad things to you. I have probably made you feel like a piece of shit way too many times for you to really even know and care anymore. I am sorry for all of that. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I have gone way too far with this. I feel like if you are going to be against me, you would have every right to do so. But I feel like you deserve more than this." I said, and then I was feeling like my words were going to slightly appease him over time. If I tried harder that is.

"In all honesty, I feel like I should be giving you more. I feel like maybe you deserve some respect after all that you have done. After all that you have shown to me and stuff. But I feel like you need to just understand that there is going to forever be that rift between mom and I. No matter how reasonable it may be sounding to you, or stupid it may be sounding, there is no better way that I am going to be able to explain it all to you." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering if he would budge on this.

"You are deserving more than this, and I am more than willing to accept and even admit something like this. But I feel like you are going to be fighting a lost cause if you are going to try and change how I feel about mom." I said, and then I was seeing Gabe nodding, and his response was harsh for his standards, but still rather nice in comparison to most other people.

"Well, you are just going to have to get over it someday. I mean, some on, you are just making things so much worse for all of us when you do this. You are allowed to dislike us. There is no real reason for you to be forced to like her. But come on, this whole thing has gone too far. I think you are just going to have to accept the fact that sooner or later, you need to at least pretend like this does not bother you anymore. Because if you don't do so, then everything is going to be made so much worse here." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to get me to understand where he was coming from.

"I know that people are wanting me to do something like this. I know that I am being petty. Maybe I am just taking things a bit too far. I want to finally make it look like I am over it. I want to make it look like I am over it. But I guess that something like this might be a bit of a lie. I feel like maybe I should be more calm with this now. I feel like I need to get over it. But I don't think that I ever will. To be honest, I think I never will." I said, finally feeling like the honesty was going to get us somewhere here.

"Todd, one of these days, this is going to become a bit much for you to handle. I am not going to try and force you to feel different about any of this. I would be a bit of a idiot if I were to try and tell you that what you feel is invalid. That being said, I think many will wish to be able to make it all look like we are good here." Gabe was telling me, just wishing that I was going to finally open up and give up with this whole entire thing. As hard as something like this might be.

"Well, I don't really know what to be saying right now. I think that one of these days, I will make my peace with it. I just don't know when, and I am certainly in no rush. I don't think that I will ever be in any rush. I think that if I were to ever try and rush this, then I would be a bit of a liar in my own way. But I think that I need to open up about the way that she is treating the younger ones." I said, and then looked at him, ready to explain.

"I just think that she is finally seeing that maybe there were some errors in her ways. In a way, I feel like I need to give her a chance. She is looking like she is at least trying." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like I needed to finally get over this entire thing, and not be a child on it anymore.

"Well, see you are starting to understand that this level of hatred is kind of insane. It seems like you are starting to understand that maybe it is best to be letting it all go." After he had said that to me, I was then standing up, feeling like I just needed to see what the heck I was going to be doing to make some form of a difference on all of this. Maybe I just needed to sort of understand that this was a huge path I needed to go down.

"It is going to possibly be the biggest road of acceptance and maturity that I might be going through. But in all honesty, I feel like I just need to sort of be on my own here. Once I finally get it all here, and I finally know what I feel, then I might be making some progress on what is going on with my mind. I feel like it is the least that I can do." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But did not really feel the need to go on and do anything like this.

"I think that maybe my way to eventually making some peace with this is to go out and have some stuff out there that make me feel better. As crazy as it is, maybe I might need to go out and make some new friends. Or make a relationship between me and somebody work. As crazy as that may be for you to hear. Your older brother who barely ever dates finally admitting that it is time to do this." I said, feeling like there was almost some form of humor to the whole thing. As crazy as it was.

"Honestly, I think that something like this should have been tried a long time ago. I am kind of shocked that you did not decide that you would do this a long time ago. But do you feel like you would even have a person that you would like? I mean, you barely ever go out and do something at all, and you are suddenly talking about getting a relationship for the first time in years." Gabe said, and then he was kind of more interested in what I had been discussing now.

"I don't know. I mean, you might not be wrong. I guess that maybe if I tried to do something like that, it would require me to do something I am not as comfortable with." I said, and then I was thinking about it a bit longer. I was just thinking about the last time I had a genuine relationship with somebody, and was then debating with myself if I ever really did. As much as I hated that prospect.

...

-Nov 24 1993 4:35 am- I had wished that I would have been able to say that I was taking it well. I had felt like I was doing pretty decent. Considering the fact that I was dealing with the fact that I knew that my younger siblings often times did not like me. They had felt like I had taken things too far, and many of them thought that I was kind of rude, and that I needed to come a long way to be truly viewed at as a proper sibling in their eyes. And as much as I hated it, I had felt like maybe they might have been right with this assumption in a way.

I was sitting down in the living room, thinking long and hard about what I was going to be doing. How the hell I was going to show them that I did not mean for them to be angry at me. That I did not want them to be hating me. I hated the fact that I had been a shitty enough brother for them to all be having huge issues with me. And I had thought on what Gabe said to me now.

I mean, I did not want to give him the idea of knowing that I had felt like he was right on something, because that would be going against the narrative that I had been making of thinking that he needed to get smarter. But at the same time, I felt like this was much more important than anything else. That he needed to see I knew where he was coming from in his own fucking way. As much as I was feeling like admitting this was dangerous.

But despite what was going on here, and despite the fact that I was thinking that maybe I was being a fucking baby in my own way, I was thinking about how much more I was going to have to change the way that I was presenting myself to the general situation of the siblings. I was telling myself that starting later that day, I was going to try and make a differnece. I was going to try and reach out, and make them feel like I was caring for them more than they had ever thought I might have.

I was then feeling like I just needed some late night food to be helping me along with this. So as I was coming to that choice, I was going to the house phone, and then I was placing my hand on the phone, just telling myself to get over it. I was then placing the phone at my ear, and then I ended up ordering a pizza, a medium one, that I would use for my mind to just be taken off of what the hell was going on here.

I sat down, thinking about the fact that if somebody decided that they had wanted to wake up, I was going to have to let them have some slices. Which I had felt like was not that big of a deal to be totally honest. I mean, if they had wanted a slice or two, I would be kind of a stupid kid if I did not let them have it. And I would be a even worse brother, which I just talked about being a terrible realization to grow.

I was smiling, thinking about what Gabe had told me about needing to go out, and needing to finally get some dating done or something like that. I mean, I hated to admit it, but in a way, I was feeling like maybe he was right, and that I just needed to find something to do to make him feel like he was actually going to break through to me. In a way, I was wondering if he was going to be planning this whole thing out in the first place.

I did not really care if he was wanting to do anything like that. I was feeling like if he was wanting to help me out, I was going to have to accept the fact that maybe I was making the wrong impression by all that I was doing, and that maybe I just needed to try and make something different here. I had to try and make something work. Maybe having a relationship or something like that could be able to make me a better person.

I mean, I had known that something like this was probably a hoax. But I did not care. I was wanting to try literally anything at all. I was wanting to do literally anything to make it look like I wanted to make people see that I was caring for them. It was all that I could do. But in a way, I had felt like maybe I was being a bit of a fucking insane man with all of the fears that I was having right now. The fears on the way that people would treat me when they saw what I was like.

But despite all of this, I knew that I was going to have to really change my attitude on what was going on here. I was not only going to have to change my behavior, which would be easy. But change my actual attitude as a human being. Only by doing this would I actually make people see that I was meaning it all. That I had meant every single word of what I was going to be saying to them, and that I was not saying anything to make them feel better.

I had hoped that they would be willing to give me a second chance. I mean, I knew that something like that was going to be fucking impossible. But it was certainly something that I was feeling like was going to be worth the try, and worth the chance, and worth the impression to be giving now.

There was a ring on the door, and I went right to it to make it look like I was not being rude or anything. Well, no more rude than I was already being by ordering from a twenty four hour pizza place at 4:30 in the morning. As I was paying the price of the meal, I looked right at the girl who was serving, and when I was doing this, I was shocked to see who it was. Since it was almost just something I never really thought possible.

"Hey Bebe, I did not know that you work at the pizza shop. Shit, now I feel like a fucking loser for ordering a pizza when I could be doing so much more." I said, feeling like a guy who was just being a idiot and growing to show how I was by the second. But then she was looking at me, smiling a second, and telling me silently to not be too worried about anything like that since I was just doing business.

"Trust me, out of all of the former classmates who I have seen order business here, you are really nowhere even close to the worst one that I have seen here. If I were to go and talk about them all, you would probably not even believe me in the first place." She said, looking like she was genuinely meaning what she had been saying, and looking like she had been silently pleading for me not to dig in the question at all.

"Alright, I will not be getting in your business about it. Besides, I think that there would not even be all that many things to talk about that we could wrap up in a few seconds." I said, as I was slowly writing out my signature to make it clear who I was, and that I was not lying on my identity, and I looked at her for a second or two.

"How has life been for you the last couple of years? God, I can't believe that it has already been over two years since we left high school. It really does not feel that long." I said, and then I looked at her, and she was looking like she had actually mostly agreed with me, and that she was feeling like if we were to talk about it too much, she would honestly start to look at this as more than just business, and I was feeling like maybe something like this might have been scary for her.

"Honestly, I can't believe it either. It is something that I thought was just a bit hard to handle the other day. But to be honest, after I thought it out for a bit, I kind of got over it. I don't want to be coming off as that one person who seems to constantly think too much on things that are not that big of a deal." Bebe said, trying to be sounding all cool about it, but I knew that my words were getting to her for a bit.

"Hey, I know that this may be seeming a bit sudden, and I would not blame you at all if you end up saying no, but would you like to go on and hang out soon? You know, just to catch up, and see how we are both doing? I think that something like this might be a good moment for both of us. Just to have some time out of the spot light, and be normal for once." I said, and then I was looking at her, and she was looking a bit worried about such a idea.

But as she was looking at me, and thinking on it for a few seconds, I was seeing her looking like she was starting to think that maybe she did not really have all that much to be losing here, and that she needed to try it all out anyways. "Yeah, I think that maybe something like this could be a bit of a fun time. I do need to get the hell out of the job, and have some time to relax every once in a while. So I think it might be good for me."

I smiled, knowing that she was actually considering the idea a bit, and that she was not just brushing me off right away. That she had thought that this was going to work. Doing this made me feel like I was going to just have to only work a bit harder than I had been to make sure that she was feeling like we were going to work out together. "I think that I will give you a call when something like this would be seeming to be best fit for me." I said, and then I was seeing her slowly nod.

She was pulling out some piece of paper, and she was just writing some stuff on it that I was not really paying attention to all that much. Then she handed it to me, slightly winking at this, and thinking that maybe this was all that she had wanted after all. Was to just have somebody she used to know treat her with some amount of respect outside of being a service lady.

I did not know what it was going to be like to deal with working at jobs like this all the damn time. But I knew that I would have been going crazy if I was like her. But I felt like maybe this was going to make her a better person than me. She wrote down her number, and smiled for a split second. "I would be really excited to hear a call from you soon. Catching up seems like something I could really like to do anyways." After she had said that, she walked off, and got in the car, and I saw her looking like she had wanted to do more, but that this was fine enough as it was.

I was sitting down, thinking about the set up that I had just made. As I was thinking about it for a bit, and thinking about the fact that I had just set myself up to catch up with a classmate of mine who I was kind of a dick to back in the day of high school. Although in all fairness, it could have been much worse than what many would be thinking right now.

The thing was that I just was always grading people by looks, and not really looking at them for what they truly were. I never took the time to really see them for what I could have been able to get out of them. Not in the way that I worded it right now. But I think you were to probably get what I meant. I just felt like I could have treated people better and more impartially here.

But despite everything going on here, I did not know what I was going to be able to say to her to make her feel like I knew what I was doing here. I was going to have to find a way to get people to see that I was wanting to do my best to make sure that nobody was going to be looking ta me as that man who did not have any real judgment. Any proper judgment on what people should really be like, and was just judging people for things that were going to be wildly subjective.

I was thinking about the good that was going to come out of all that I was doing right now. I had felt like what I had done was going to make people sort of reach out to me more. I was feeling like maybe I needed to just kind of focus on what was going on here. To sort of make it look like I sort of had a clue what was going on here. I needed to find a way to make Bebe see that I did want to actually know how she was doing. In case if she was scared that I was doing this as some form of ulterior motive or anything like that, which may have been valid at some point.

I was sort of feeling like nobody was going to get it. I was tired of this whole thing, and I was tired of my life being defined by my family. I mean, I knew that many people were never going to get it. They were never going to get how annoying something like this was. But in a way, if they had felt like this was the only thing that had mattered, then I could have done a terrible job making a real impact in the world.

As I was slowly starting to eat a slice, I was seeing the oldest of Lydia's younger brothers, Henry, coming up, and he was rubbing his eyes. As is totally oblivious to what was going on. Which made me knew that he was not just coming up here for the pizza. But even if he was, it would not really have mattered all that much what he was doing.

I felt like I just needed to think on what he was doing here. "Hey, what was all that noise going on? I heard you talking or something like that." He said, and he was clearly not even realizing that he was talking about the fact that I had just talked with some girl after ordering some pizza for a moment.

"I just ordered some pizza, and decided to talk with the lady for a couple of moments. She was really nice, and she made me feel so much better about everything. But she had to go, because she does have a job to do, and I can't distract her for too long." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to the pizza thing.

He was more just looking tired than to try and get into any of my business about the pizza. But the outcome of what he did next was totally expected, and I felt like maybe I deserved something like this after doing this in private. He grabbed a slice, and ate it a bit. As if feeling like he might as well have a bit of a night snack now that he was here.

"You talking with somebody seems to be the exact opposite of what you like to do when you are not with your friends." He said, and I was rolling my eyes, wondering why he was telling me this, and why he was feeling the need to say such things. I had felt like he had made his point. I feel like nobody needs to tell me this shit, with how annoying it fucking was sometimes.

"Well, I had a long talk with Gabe, and he has some good points on how it might be important for me to go out and actually do something better for myself. To actually branch out. And I think that maybe something like this could be true." I said, and I was hating what I had been telling him. But I knew that I could not argue with him anymore on this due to the fact that it would be a fucking lie in the end.

"He might be thinking that he is just helping out. But I guess that you could not handle what he said?" Henry asked, and I was getting annoyed that my five year old brother was trying to act like he knew what was going on here. But I was feeling like there was no point in lying. He would find out anyways.

"Well, just don't be going out there and looking like a creep if you were to try and reach out to her or anything like that." Henry said, and then I was looking at him, as if feeling like he needed to not really say that. But then again, a small part of me was wishing that he was saying this as a way to have some fun and not be making me feel bad for everything right now.

Then at the same time, I felt like maybe I was just needing to find a way to reach out to her, and that was the only thing that I had felt like was going to really even matter. I just needed to eventually make her feel like everything was going to make her in a better spot. But at the same time, I truly did not know what I was going to be able to say to Bebe know that I was going to try and be a good man now. I felt like the whole thing was going to be a pointless endeavor.

I had felt like I just needed to do my best to make her feel like she was going to be valued. I knew from one look at her that she was clearly having appreciation issues. She had felt like she was clearly just been used too much. And that there was almost nothing else she was going to be able to say to describe it any differently. But I truly had no idea what was going on at this point in time to bring it together.

"I don't know what it will be like, reaching out to her again. I mean, it is going to be kind of exciting. Don't get me wrong. The whole thing is going to be a little bit thrilling. But at the same time, I feel like she not really get why I think something like this could actually be so fun." I said, and then I was feeling like what I was saying was going to be a bit odd. I was thinking that Henry would be too young to get why. Which was my only saving grace at this whole thing.

"Honestly, I just wish that I could be able to not make them feel any differently. That is the only thing that I can say. I just think that seeing her again, and being given another chance to do things right, is the one thing that will truly make me feel like I am going to have a chance now." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was going to be a bit odd. I was thinking that maybe I had cared too much for something like this. I had cared too much for just simply wanting to be a nice guy. A guy who could make people feel like I was not going to be making a huge issue on any of this.

...

-Nov 24 1993 10:44 pm- I was sitting down, getting ready for my date that I was going to be having with Bebe one day. Well not really date so far, but when I told Gabe about what was going on, he took it the same way that I did, and it was like we were both going to be seeing how far this was going to be going as one. I felt like there was no real reason to assume that it was not going to be one. But I felt like I needed to do more to sort of earn the hell out of it.

I was thinking about the new chance that I would be having to live a proper life. I knew that I just needed to at least try and find something to do to be able to make her feel better and more like she actually could be feeling like maybe I would be able to show her to my family. When I was thinking about this, I looked right at Josiah, who was in the same room as me, and he was sort of writing some music or something like that.

"Hey Josiah, what do you think I can say to Bebe to make her feel like I would love for her to see my family, and actually be able to believe it? I think that she wants that more than anything else right now, and I feel like I need to give her that, if she feels like I am actually going to be able to reach out to her in a way that will make her feel like I am appreciating her company." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to be telling me.

The whole thing was just strange to me, and the way that he was looking right at me looked like he was thinking about what I could do that would not be coming off as overwhelming to her or something like that. "Hey Todd, maybe you can just tell her that it would be something of a nice sight to see you guys bonding together, and find a way to bring the family together this way. Maybe when she hears this, she might be willing to give it a chance." Josiah said, and then he was shrugging, almost looking like he did not care too much here.

"I feel like I do not make this work, and I bring it down, she will not want to give me another chance. I feel like this is going to be the only thing that will really make her feel like I am actually wanting to make the most out of it that I can. But I feel like if I reach out too hard, she will know that I am only doing this for the date." I said, feeling the utter conflict rising in me as I was saying this to him, wondering if he knew how to help.

"I don't know if she will be fully willing to see what it will be like at this house. I think she might be finding it kind fo fun and exciting at first. But after a while, she will be feeling like there is so much more that she would be wanting with this. I feel like when something like this is going to be the event that I will have to go through, is when everything will be sort of lost now." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I needed to just find something else to focus on with this whole debate.

"Well, to be honest, I feel like this is going to just be something that will be fine. You may be acting like this is all one big deal. Like you are having a lot that you need to prove. I doubt that it is going to really matter all that much. She will almost certainly just want to see what the siblings are like, and everything will be fine. Besides, I think she just wants to know if you are actually meaning everything that is going on, or if you are just full of it." Josiah said, and I did not know how I was going to be able to show her anything like that.

If she was wanting to see or learn anything like that, then I felt like this was going to be the worst part of this whole process. The idea that she would be trying to get more out of me than I really can be able to handle. But at the same time, I felt like as long as she was right to the point with what she had said, that I could not hate her too much over what was happening. But I had no idea how well something like this was going to be going in my favor.

"I feel like I have one chance to really make it work. One chance to really show her that I want her to be seeing me for who I am, and I feel like there is only so much that I can show my siblings to her before it would feel like I am compromising on honesty." I said, and then I was feeling like nothing I would say to him would get him to see where I was coming from. But to be real with you, I honestly did not care what he understood or not.

"I think you are probably thinking too deeply into it. Because even if you do not like to admit it, we are a part of who you are. We are a part of your life. We are a part of the way that things are going to be done. And when you deny something like this, act like it is not the truth, then it is something that is a lie." After Josiah told me this, I was feeling like I had no real way to fight him on any of this, for better or for worse.

"I don't know. I want to believe that I am looking too deeply into this whole thing. But I highly doubt that I actually am. I feel like there is only so much that I can be able to get out of this. And now that I am here, I feel like I just sort of need to understand what the hell people would really even want from any of this stuff. I felt like I just needed to sort of keep my mind focused on all of the things that I could be able to do to make it all better." I said, and then I was feeling like I needed to just leave the subject alone for now, as I had made my point now.

I was looking right at Josiah, feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to make him feel like what I had told him was not too much of an attack on him. "I feel like if I was going to be a interesting person on my own, I would have reached out to her a long time ago. Or reached out to somebody that is. But I feel like something like this is just not going to happen." I said, and then I looked right at him, wondering what he was going to be saying to that. If he was going to wish to say something to get me to change my mind, or if he was going to remain quiet.

"Well, I think you need to remember that you are just not really somebody who feels the need to go out there and talk with too many people. This has been the case with you since the start, and now you are acting like it is the worst weakness you have here? I feel like you need to make up your mind on all of this works?" After Josiah said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was aware of the fact that I was going to try and fight him on this. But I felt no real need to be doing any of this now.

Besides, I had felt like maybe I was needing to remember the fact that he was wanting to help. I needed to remember that he was just trying his best to be helpful. And being a hardass on him was only going to be making things so much worse for him. And that was something that I knew was not going to be seen as acceptable in my eyes. I knew that I needed to just understand what the hell the ending path was all going to be.

"I feel like I just need to sort of pull all of the stuff that I know together. That I need to know what I am going to say to her, and that is all that I feel like will really even matter in the long run." I said, shaking my head, wondering why I was even caring so much now at this point in time.

"I am shocked that you even care so much what she feels about you. The whole thing is just a simple conversation. It is not really that big of a deal. I think you need to fucking relax a bit, and just think about what you are going to do now. To sort of make it look like you got a grip on your presentation. If you care so much what that is going to be like." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find more to say, but did not really feel the need to do this anymore.

But despite everything that was going on, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to remember one single thing. I needed to just present myself in a slightly more professional version of myself. That was all that I just needed to do. Go up there, and not look like I am totally out of my mind. That is all that I need to do. If I could be able to do that, then everything was going to be all fine and dandy. I truly was feeling like this now.

But despite everything that was going on right now, I just had to keep myself on the main focus on the life ahead of me. "Thanks for talking to me. I feel like no matter what is going to happen, I want to make sure that she sees me as a person who is not scared. A person who is not going to fall behind. A person who actually cares. I feel like as long as I do something like that, everything would be good. I just need to focus on what I have right now. I need to make sure that I actually know what I am doing right now."

"Todd, do you feel like you are going to be ready for any of this now? Do you feel like you actually know what you are going to say to her? What you plan to say to make her feel like the world means more than anything to you, and that you can make sure she is happy? I think that as long as you present yourself in the best fashion possible, then it will work out. I mean, I know that this is literally all that you say. But I feel like I need to make sure you know that you are ready for this. That you are not going to just say this for the sake of bringing up yourself." Josiah told me, and I was feeling like he was swarming me with this, and that he was going to be making me feel bad soon.

...

-Nov 25 1993 5:09 am- I was getting up that morning, feeling like I was going to be too tired to really properly sleep, and did not even want to give myself the illusion that something like this was going to happen. So as I was going along, I was feeling like I needed to focus on the most important thing going on. The fact that I was going to have to get ready to either talk with some people to get a job, and the fact that I was going to be setting myself up with Bebe soon enough to make her feel like we are still working together here.

I had no idea how any of this was going to work out. The fact that we were still focusing on all of this in the first place was making me feel like there was a lot that we needed to be working towards. I was then looking ta the house phone, and the more that I was looking at it, the more that I was telling myself that perhaps something like this was going to be worth it. That I needed to at least try and see what was going on down there.

So as I was coming to this conclusion, I was taking a deep breath, feeling like I could call her up, and see what was going on with her, and see if she was wanting to reach out to me, and see if we could be able to set something up at least. I felt like no matter what was going to be happening, I just needed to be direct, but also be nice on the way that we were going to talk. Since I knew that this was going to be my one great chance to make it all work out.

"Hey, I was wondering how you were doing. You know, since it seems like I was just not going to be able to get over this whole thing. I was hoping that maybe we could get to hang out soon enough. Since you suggested it, and I think that something like this could be really good for both of us." I said, and then I was taking a calm and deep breath, feeling like I needed to remember that it was best to be taking this whole thing slowly in case if she rejected me here.

"Oh, I was not expecting to hear you try and contact me. I was thinking about that exact same thing. Well, I think that maybe since you are offering to maybe meet up at some point, do you think that maybe tonight could work? You know, since I feel like maybe I could show you around town a bit more, and see what you like." After she had said that to me, I was smiling, and felt like I had needed to not be so worried about approaching people in the future.

"Yeah, I think that this would be wonderful. Thanks for suggesting that. I hope that everything will be good. Where do you suggest that we meet up?" I asked, and then I was hoping that it was a place that I actually knew, and not some random area that I had to research for her.

"I think that maybe we can just get some lunch or dinner. Whichever one will be better for you. I am willing to work with whatever time you need. I don't work until eight in the evening anyways. So as long as it is before that, we are going to be good." After she was telling me this, I had to think about it a bit further, and think about the fact that I was going to be meeting her like this. Without any sign on how to handle myself.

"Yeah, I think we can do something like that. Only if you want to though. I mean, I don't want to force anything on you or anything." I said, and then I was wondering what she was going to be saying to any of this. I had clearly felt like she was going to try to find something to say to make me have a different perception. But whatever she was probably going to say, she did not.

"Alright, well, I think that maybe I will need to find some time to really think out a good spot to be going. Once I find a place you might like, I will find a way to let you know. Since you don't know where I live, I think I will come by and pick you up this time." After she had said that to me, I was sighing, feeling like I needed to think more about that a bit. I needed to find a way to get her to tell me where she had lived, and then I would be able to meet up with her that way in the future. Although we could not do anything about it this time, as much as I hated to admit it.

"Yeah, I think you should probably show me where you live eventually. Since I think that something like this is going to be a bit of a problem in the future if we do not take care of that soon enough." I said, and then I was sighing, thinking about how far behind I was going to be here, and how much I just needed to find a way to fucking reach out to her. Just to get some answers from her every once in a while.

"Honestly, I think that it is not going to be that big of a deal. I think you will be fine with the way you are right now. I will show you eventually. When you know, it will be fine. I just think that maybe my parents will have to get used to the idea of me seeing a guy now." Bebe said, and I smiled at that thought. The idea of her earning their approval and all that stuff.

"If you say so. I just feel like it is the least that I can do. But I will be very excited to be seeing you soon enough. I hope that your parents will be fine with me eventually." After I had said that, I was holding my breath, thinking about what it was going to be like if they did not approve, and how much I was going to have to change in myself to make sure that this did not get any worse here.

But at the same time, I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find a way to keep my mind focused on what was going on here. I was thinking that as long as I was focused on the things that would keep her feeling like she was feeling better, then I was going to be a man who she would really enjoy. A man that she would feel like actually made a difference in the long run.

"Hey, I think that it is going to be alright. I don't really think that my parents will care that much. They might be shocked at first. But I think they will get over it eventually. I think that they are just more worried that I am not going to be ready for anything that might be important." After she had said that to me, I was thinking about what she had said, and what the hell I was going to do to make it all seem a bit better for her.

"Alright, I will let you go on that. I have a feeling that you know your family far better than I will ever dream to be able to do." I said, and then I was sighing at that fact, wondering how much it was going to be taking for me to really be able to reach out to her. What it was going to be like to earn her parents approval. And if I ever really cared for such a thing in the first place. If I wanted to care about this whole thing.

"See you when I come by. I will try to let you know a few minutes in advance. Unless if one of your brothers answer for you, or you simply do not answer the phone. But I feel like you're not that type of man." After she had said that to me, I was then thinking about what she was saying, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find a way to be getting this all out of my system over my own course of time.

"It will be alright. I think that maybe I will just have to tell my brothers what is going on, and if they are aware of what I am wanting to do, they will be able to get over it." I said to her, and then I was feeling like I needed to just be fine, and not making any things worse. But at the same time, I needed to know what she was caring about here.

"Well, alright, I will leave you alone now. Thanks for trying to reach out to me. I genuinely do appreciate it. I was wondering if you were going to take the call to doing it. I was worried that you were never going to take the time to be doing this." After she had said that to me, I was then hearing her hang out. I was then smiling a bit, feeling like I just needed to find a way to be able to make this whole thing seem like it was not too crazy and stuff.

Once the phone had been hung up, I looked at my younger brother Seth, who was smiling as he was looking at me, as if looking like she had found a genuine jackpot with that discussion. He was clearly looking like he had wanted to find something else to say. But knowing that if he were to speak, he would be making me really angry, and did not want to be making himself feel like he was getting in trouble over this whole thing.

"Maybe you should be thinking about not coming off as so scared when you see her. My god, you were looking like you were about to have a stroke or something. My god, it was the funniest thing in the world." After Seth was telling me this, I was wondering why he was even telling me this, and what he was feeling like he was going to be able to accomplish by doing this right now. But I decided not to be thinking too much about it.

"Well, you shouldn't be talking. You do not know what it is like to be going on dates and stuff. I think you need to realize that if you want to lecture me, you need to take a long look in the mirror." I said, and then he was holding up his hand, as if looking like he did not need to have me taking this so seriously. It was just a set of jokes, and he needed to not be so upset over it. Which was heavily ironic as he was the jokester all the time.

"That being said, you're right. I need to not be so worried on this. I need to take it easier. I need to be thinking about what it would look like if I take this too seriously. If I look like a idiot, she will really not want to see me again. So I will have to remember that." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not really feel the need to continue with this whole thing. I was laying down on the bed, feeling like I needed to find more to be saying now, but he was looking like he had wanted to still say more.

"Well, I think that you need to remember that she is giving you a chance. She clearly must like you at least a little bit. I think you need to really remember that next time you are about to be talking about how worried you are. If she did not want to be seeing you, then she would not have bothered." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like what he had said seemed to be a mostly valid thing, and he was looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not feel the need to continue.

"Honestly, I just feel like if she is let down, then it will be entirely the fault of my own, and I would be hating myself if something like this would be happening. I feel like I need to just do my best to make it look like I can reach out to her. To make her look like I knew what I am doing. I do want to at least try and look like I know what I am sort of doing now." I said, and then I shook my head, feeling like nothing that I was going to say would have made any difference.

"If she cares so much, then I think that maybe that is going to make you need to realize that there is a fakeness to girls. Something that makes them realize that the only thing they will ever care about is the superficial bullshit that they think is important, but in all honesty is not a big deal." Seth said, and I was wanting to snap at him, for saying that. But in a way, as much as I hated to admit it, I honestly kind of felt like there was a level of truth to this whole thing.

"I don't know. Maybe you are right. I don't really know though. I think that if I were to complain about it too much, then I will only be making things much worse. And I would never want to accomplish this." I said, and then I was looking like I just needed to be finding a way to make it all work out as well as I could. But in a way, I just needed to be making it all work out for the best.

"I think you just got to be remembering the things you care about the most. What you feel like is going to be worth the effort. If you feel like she might be somebody you would like to work hard for, then go for it. But be honest with yourself before you try and do anything. Only by doing this will you know what to do." Seth said, and then I was looking at him, confused at the fact that he was eleven and being able to say this all.

"How do you know all of this? You're eleven years old? Shouldn't you just be getting a bunch of your first boners, and just being a horny fuck right now?" I asked, and then I was winking at me, and then I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of what he was going to be saying. He was clearly looking unsure of what the heck to say.

"Well, maybe you're right. I don't know what else to say." Seth said, and the look on his face made it clear that he was unsure of how to be responding, and he was clearly looking like he had wanted to me not say anything. As if doing something like this was just going to be making him feel like he had been overwhelmed on this whole thing.

"Yeah, I can see that there is something going on right now. But you do not need to tell me if you do not feel comfortable on it." I said, and then he was clearly looking like he was glad that it was looking like I was starting to at least pretend like I would be willing to leave it alone. But at the same time, I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get him to break down a bit more.

...

-Nov 25 1993 3:15 pm- I was thinking about what I was going to be doing with Bebe that night when I was seeing her car parking near where the house was. Seeing her right now, seeing her looking like she was not dressed up in that pizza delivery outfit, made me start to realize that she was actually kind of cute. And I was feeling like maybe there was some merit to the idea of me going out and trying to see if maybe we could go deeper.

Woah, I was telling myself. Slow your roll. You do not even know if she is actually a good person or not. You might end up seeing that she is kind of crazy, and she ends up making your life worse. At least give it a chance, and see how things are like before you go too deeply into this whole idea. As I was telling myself this, I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to keep myself composed on the main goals.

I was telling myself that I just needed to be able to see her for who she was. Not to be jumping to instant conclusions. As I was telling myself this, I was sort of wondering how things were even going to actually go if I were to be seeing her. I was getting out of my house, as I put in my wallet with some money just in case, and my house key that everybody who was in school already had as a sign of our growing independence.

I was getting right in her car, and then I was looking right at her, and I was just trying to repress my thoughts to myself. I wanted to see how she was doing. But at the same time, I realized that if I came off as too strong to her, she was going to be a bit strange, and she was going to try and repress me from being able to discuss with her a bit longer.

"Hey, I was wondering if you had decided what we should be doing. I have barely gone out and done anything lately. As sad as something like that may be sounding." I said, and then I was telling myself not to be so strange, and to just find something else to be saying to make myself sound like I was not just going to instantly turn her off from this whole thing.

"Well, I was thinking that I might show you to a really great diner. Oh my god, I don't go there often. But seriously, on the few times that I do go there, it is great. I think you are going to love it." After she had told me this, I was seeing her smile a bit, and she was clearly looking like she was wanting to see how I was going to do now.

"Honestly, I can't even remember the last time that I went to a place like a diner. That might be really interesting. Let's go and check out how it is like. I might end up really enjoying it." I said, and then I was sighing, trying to take care of my way of talking. To not be sounding like I was pushing things too far for her. She was nodding, kind of feeling like this was going to be the best moment that she had in a while. Which I feared was going to be a pretty low bar.

As she was driving off, I was then wondering what the heck I was going to ask her. To make it look like I could be able to have some form of a discussion going on right now. "Hey, what made you go to this diner in the first place? I mean, did somebody else drag you into something that you might not have cared for right now?" I asked, and then she was smiling, as if feeling like what I was saying was rather funny. Although I refused to understand why she was thinking this way. But I did not say anything of it.

"Honestly, it was introduced to me by the guy that I used to date at the time. He was kind fo a hard ass. But he was right about his taste of food. But to be honest, I think that he might be off doing his own thing, and acting like he is the king of the world." Bebe said, and I was shocked at how much of a negative tone she was using with this whole thing. I had no idea what she was meaning, and why she had this much resentment towards this guy

"Sorry to bring up something if you did not feel comfortable with bringing him up. I just thought that it would be interesting was all." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she did not really have much to be saying. Almost thinking that if she was going to give me a hard time on this, then that was going to be her main issue. She was shrugging, feeling like she was clearly not going to be getting anything out of this whole thing.

"Honestly, it does not really matter that much. I just kind of wish that I was able to move on from it. But that is not your fault. You did not know about that. How am I going to judge you for barely knowing what was going on in my past?" Bebe asked, and I did not know if she was meaning it right now. But either way, seeing her act like this was still making me feel like maybe there was a bit of a saving grace that I could be taking from all of this.

"Did he hurt you or something?" I asked, and I was ready for this whole thing to be considered taking it too far. But I had felt like this was much more important, and I had felt like I just needed to try and find a way to make her better. I needed to try and find a way to make this discussion be productive.

"I don't really know what he even did anymore. I just feel like if I were to try and comprehend it all, I will be more angry than before. And I think that you would not want that from me." Bebe said, and she was sounding kind of sweet and innocent when she was saying that exactly. I nodded, feeling like I needed to just drop it for her own sake. I felt like a fucking monster when I had said that to her. I felt like I made a giant mistake.

"I won't talk about it again. I just thought you might have been interested in talking about it at some point." I said, and I was feeling like I was being innocent enough. But I knew that if I continued, I was going to be able to make her angry at me. She was going to then turn around, and never want to see me and talk with me ever again.

But despite what was going on, and despite the subjects that I was bringing up, I saw her looking like she was not even all that angry. I had genuinely assumed that no matter what was going on, she probably had moved on and stopped caring after a while. Or she was putting on the persona of not caring, for the sake of looking like she would have never been able to go insane over all that was going on here.

Eventually, we reached the diner, and she was looking at me, as if she had already started to move on from the whole thing. That was what had made me feel better over this whole thing. The fact that she seemed to not really care all that much. She obviously must have cared a bit. But she was willing to not be too in my face on it anymore.

Once inside of the diner, I was sitting down in a booth, and I was looking right at her. "Hey Bebe, how are you holding up? And not with that previous discussion. I mean, with like work and stuff. I mean, there is no way that you were going to want to go work there for too much longer. I would be going mad if I still had to be working there." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like maybe I was not even entirely off by this whole thing.

"Well, I mean, I am not a huge fan of the place. But complaining about it won't give me any favors. Besides, I feel like there is something about the whole idea about being a whiner that I fucking hate. That being said, you are not entirely wrong. I would not mind leaving this place, and going out to try and do something else." After she had admitted this, she had looked at me, and I knew whatever she was going to ask, I would hate it.

"Are you going out and getting one right now? I mean, I don't have anything against you if you don't. But it has been a couple of years since you graduated, and I think some people might be pressing you on it." Bebe said, and I shrugged, thinking that she was mostly right about this. But there was still something that she did not consider. It was not her fault. But it was the truth of the matter anyways, and I might as well bring it up.

"I think in any other family in the world, you would be totally right on the money. Trust me. That being said, my family is not even close to a normal one. There is a lot of stuff that makes this family a strange one. I think my parents were fine with me spending a year or two just watching the younger siblings. And that just ended up eating away a lot of my time. That being said, I am applying for some now. I just need to find a way to get out of there." I said, and then she was looking confused and interested as to why.

"I just feel tired of everything. The whole thing is just so much noise, and I bet people don't really even care for the other siblings. They are just getting along with most of them out of basic need to. Because it is easier to, and everything would be much worse if we did not." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what she would tell me now.

"Do you think that your parents might be offended if they know why you are doing something like this? I mean, I have a feeling that they might be having a hard time getting used to the fact that one of their children have grown to simply hate living there." She said, and I was clearly seeing that she was looking at it in a perspective on if she was a mother, and what she would be feeling like on the day that her children were sick of her.

"I think they might be sad over such a thing at first. But I doubt that they really care that much. They might be thinking of it as a blessing in disguise. Sure there will be less adults in the house. But on the other hand, they will have one less person that they need to be worried about. I think that something like this might be making it kind of worth it in their eyes." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me. If she had anything to say at all.

"Honestly, I think you might be onto something. I guess that if I were your parents, I will be having mixed opinions on this as well. But maybe in the end, once I got over it, I would realize that something like this might be for the best. I don't know. I guess it is all a matter of perspective." She was telling me, clearly looking like she now had no real idea what she was going to try and say now.

"Honestly, I think they will be able to look at this as a way to be able to see that we are all moving forward in life. I think that something like this might be making this whole thing worth it in the end of the day." I said, and then I had looked at her, and she was looking like she had wanted to say more. But she clearly did not feel the need to try and see what was going on now.

"I don't really know what it would be like to have so many siblings. I mean, I have two of my own. Two brothers." After she had said that to me, I was looking at her, wondering why she never really brought this whole thing up to me. Then again, I was needing to remember that I barely knew her for more than like twenty minutes, so I was being ridiculous right now.

"I have a older one and a younger one. I mean, on paper that would make me sound like I know what it is like a little bit. But I barely really know them. They are both so far apart from me in age that it is impossible to fucking notice." After Bebe said that, I was now curious what she was meaning with the age gaps.

"What is so bad about the age gaps? Are they like three or four years apart? The largest age gap between my siblings is the one between Josiah and Seth, my third and fourth ones. That age gap was four years. I feel like soon enough, that will not really matter too much." I said, and then Bebe was looking at me, as if thinking that my large sum of siblings made me very naive on this regard. And very blessed in a way.

"Both of my brothers were a full ten years apart from me. My older brother was already in fourth grade when I was just born. And then my younger brother was born when I was ten years old. I think that there is literally no way in hell I ever will have a connect either way on them. My older one has experienced way too much. My younger one had experienced way too little." After Bebe said that, I was shocked to hear something like this right now.

"I mean, I don't have anything against them, and they are not bad blokes. But they have nothing in common with me. I can't connect with them, and that way I feel like they are just sort of two guys who happen to be in the same family as me. For all intents and purposes, we may as well all be only children." After she was done, I was seeing a slightly forced smile on her face.

"Damn, I did not know that parents had it in them to go like that. I mean, I bet your older one and younger one literally have nothing going on here. I mean, I feel like he might have some connection with you, since you were having him around the first eight years, at least, of your life. But he was probably barely around for the younger one at all." After I was done with this, I had to decide what I was going to be saying next. If I desired to say anything at all.

"I mean, that is the biggest thing that scares me. The fact that they have no idea what it will be like to connect with each other, and as a result, I have a fear that there is going to be a level of resentment between the two of them." She was telling me, and I could clearly tell that she was not wanting to talk about it too much. But at the same time, I saw that she was looking a bit unsure of what to even be saying now.

"But do you feel like you could be able to try and find something to even create a small amount of mutual ground between them? I mean, something like this must be fucking brutal. The idea there is just going to always be a great divide in a way." I said, feeling like I just needed to try and see it from her perspective in my own way.

"I don't know. I think that if I were to try and connect them, I would be closer to winning the god damn lottery. I mean, I think that they are just going to have to accept the differences that our parents sort of forced onto them without any form of say on the matter." Bebe said, and I could clearly tell that she had a lot of thought on the matter. And I felt like maybe I just needed to see where she was coming from in a way.

"Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess that if I were to try and tell the younger siblings for instance, what it was like to be watching Star Wars or something, when they were still new and fresh of everybodys mind, they would not be able to get it. They might be kind of interested in the trivia. But overall the information would be kind of useless, and they would probably be thinking that I am just trying to sound like a old man by saying something like that." I said, and then Bebe nodded at that while laughing. Thinking of how strange it was going to be that something like this was going to be a giant divide between us.

"I think that you might as well try though. I would love to see them looking totally confused on this whole thing, as if you were speaking some form of alien language or something." After Bebe said that, I was seeing her looking like there was nothing she wanted more in the world than to see me try and fail miserably to capture what it was really like to the younger siblings.

"I think I will really need to have Gabe's help on this whole thing. This whole thing is just strange honestly. But in all honesty, I have no idea how much Gabe will be able to help me. Nothing against him on this. But he just simply did not have as many years at this as I did." I said, and then I was shrugging feeling like I just needed to think more on it, and what to be saying right now.

"Well, I think that maybe they will be able to get it eventually. They might not understand yet. But for now, I think they will be sort of finding it really funny. They might be wanting to watch the movies at least. See if they are up to the hype you give them out to be." After she had said that to me, I was shrugging, feeling like she was wanting to see this happen a little too much right now.

"To be honest, I think that if they watch the movies, I would be more let down then them. I think they will probably be acting like I am just the savior for showing them this. But I would be thinking that the movies suck now or something." I said, smiling a bit, at the thought of going through this with my siblings right now.

"I think that you should probably take the chance to leave the city. I mean, I am saying this as a man who cares for how things will be and stuff. I think that you staying here for too much longer will be dangerous for you to do." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she would tell me there. If anything at all. She was looking like there was no way that I would be able to get what I had been wishing.

"Honestly, I think that if I were to do such a thing, as great as that would sound, I would have nowhere to go. I would have no paths. I would basically be lost. I would only be making things worse for myself. As bad as staying here might be, at least it is a answer for me." After she had told me this, I was seeing her looking like this was something she did not want to truly consider, but needed to for realism sake,

"But if you stay here, then you will probably be needing to worry about something happening to you. I mean, if I were a girl, I would be scared out of my mind. I would be wondering what the safest route for me would be. But maybe I just don't really get it." I said, and then I was feeling like I needed to really stop pushing my luck on this. Even though I was in general just trying to make small talk with her, to make her feel better on this whole thing.

"I know that it is less than desirable. But there is nothing that I can do about it. If I could change how things were, I would have made a giant change. I would have gone on and actually done something different. But I feel like, for better or for worse, we are going to be stuck here. This town is going to be stuck here, and there is nothing that I can do about it besides accept it." After she had told me this, I was seeing her looking like she was hating this as much as I did. But that there was nothing she could o.

"I mean, in all honesty, if I wanted to make a difference, I would be going out there and doing so already. I mean, I feel like if I were to try and sound like a big great person, to try and make myself know what life can be like if it was going the way that it meant, then I would be lying to everybody." She placed her hand on mine, and looked like she had wanted to say something else that could make me feel better with this whole thing.

"That being said, you are able to go on and do something. I think you need to take that into consideration. You can be able to live a good life. I think you need to try and consider that a bit. You know, to sort of go out, and actually do something for yourself." After she had said that to me, I saw her looking like she truly was doing what she had felt like was right with this statement.

"I don't really know what to be saying right now. This whole thing just seems strange. I don't have any better way to describe it. I think I need to truly think on what I am doing right now before I fully devote to it." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering if she was going to try and argue with me now. But she had looked like she had just been fine with what I had said now.

"I think that you might be able to have a great time out there in the world. Seeing all the sights, being able to be yourself. I think you need to at least consider this idea. I think that if you try this, then there will be something good coming out of this." After she had said this to me, I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to try and find a way to maybe make her feel like she was able to come along for the whole ride.

"I don't know. I will have think about it a bit. I don't really have anything better to say. Nothing that will make you feel like I am taking your advice to some grand level." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering if she had anything that she was going to try and tell me now.

"Well, I do know one thing. I think that at the very least, I need to consider the idea of moving out. I think that this is the only thing I really need to be focusing on, and seeing how it can all work out." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering if that was going to suffice enough. She was looking like she did not want to have anything else to say. Thinking that perhaps it was going to be a bit pointless now.

"I think that it would be something that can be looked at. I just hope that nothing happens to you now. I was kind of worried that you were going to find a way to find yourself stuck to them forever. As if you feel like you need to be responsible for them forever, and that there is no way you can live a life now." After she had said that to me, I was shrugging, thinking that it would be something I can go on and live with in my own way.

...

-Nov 26 1993 1:27 am- I was feeling like everything that Bebe had told me was actually really valid, and I was sort of hating myself for not really thinking about it all. I had felt like I just needed to truly find a way to be getting out of here. But at the same time, I had felt like doing such a thing was going to only be making things so much worse for everybody. And I knew that for a fact, I was not going to be able to forgive myself if such a thing were to happen.

I had to try and fina way to get the people who were in my life to feel like I was sort of ready for something like this. Something that would show them that I was not totally fucking lost, and that I sort of had a clue on where I was going to be going. I mean, something like this was going to be hard. But at the same time, I did not care.

I had to sort of figure out what the heck I was even going to do to get people to actually want to support me. I mean, that was the only thing that I had really felt like I was going to need to super push my luck on. Was going out there, and finally getting my family to see that I had meant well. That I was trying to find a way to make it all better for every single person who was out there. Even if such a thing was going to be taking quite a while.

I was about to head to sleep, when I was seeing Gabe looking like he was getting ready himself. He had looked right at me, and he was looking a little bit worried on how I had looked. He was clearly thinking that there was some problems that I was having right now. "Hey Todd, is there something going on? I mean, you look like you really have not been doing well right now." After he was saying this, I was seeing him clearly looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not want to risk it.

"I am just thinking about a lot of things. I don't know if she was being like this on purpose, but at the same time, now that she has done it, I can't help but stop thinking on it. The idea of eventually moving out, and living my own life. Something that I had wanted to do, but I feel like it could be the best choice for us all." I said, and then I looked right at him, wondering what he was going to try and tell me here.

"The main question that you need to ask yourself right now is if you want to do something like that. If you feel like you are actually going to be able to enjoy the idea of going out and living a life of your own? Or if you feel like you might be ready for such a thing." Gabe said, and he was clearly looking like he had been worried for me a bit longer now.

"I think that I would want to do something like this. But the thing is that I really have no idea if I will want to be ready for such a thing. I mean, I think that I should try to do it, even beyond the idea of going out and making it so that mom and dad have one less person to worry about. But that at the fact that I finally feel like it is time to just be doing something with my life in general." I said, and then looked right at Gabe, wondering what he was going to be saying now.

"But do you think that something like this will really even matter all that much? I mean, I think you are going to have to try and be fighting for yourself a bit. If you do not feel like something like this is a good choice, then I think you should not be doing it. But if you feel like it is the only right way to be going, then I think you understand that most people in this house are willing to support you no matter what the result is going to be." Gabe said, and I was feeling like he was being sincere. But I truly had no idea what to be feeling now.

"In all honesty, I just kind of feel like I really need to know what the heck I am doing. I mean, when I have no other paths, I am just going to be doing something to put my resources forward. And I fucking hate this whole thing. The fact that no matter what the result is, nobody will really know what the best answer was going to be. The fact that I am going to forever be lost now." After I was saying this to him, I was wondering if he was going to try and argue with me now.

"Do you think you will even have something set up if you leave? I think that this is much more important than anything else. The idea of knowing what you are fucking doing. Not what you feel like you need to do with your family. Sometimes you need to realize that we are going to be fine. But the thing I am curious about is much different from everything else." After he had said that to me, I was then wondering what he was going to be asking now.

"Why were you guys talking about this in the first place? I think that this is the one thing I feel like I really need to know. I mean, was there really anything that you were going to be getting out of this?" He asked, and I was just seeing him looking utterly perplexed at this whole thing, and I just needed to just explain it in a way he would understand.

"Well, she was telling me about the fact that I was not needing to worry about her so much, and that she was doing alright, and that I needed to be more worried about myself. She was just telling me that if I did not do this, and stuff, then I would be making a giant mistake." I said, and then I was rolling my eyes, and then Gabe looked like he had no real idea what the heck to be saying on this whole thing.

"I was telling her that she needed to get out of here, to try and avoid the issues of this world and stuff. I think that if I can get her out of here, and she can be able to feel like she is safe, then I feel like I did something good in my life. I feel like this is the most important thing that I can do." I said, and then I just needed to see what Gabe was going to be telling me at that statement. Or if he even cared in the first place.

"Yeah, I mean, I can sort of see where you are coming from right now. I feel like if she stays here, then there is going to be a good chance that something will happen, and I do not want to see something happen to her. I barely know her. But she deserves something much better than this." Gabe said, and then he was feeling like he was just needing to find a way to get himself out of this whole thing.

"To be totally honest, I am scared over that whole thing. The fact that there is seeming to be a sense of danger if you are a girl, and you live here. I mean, most people will never be able to get it. But in a way, I think that getting something about this whole thing that is going to be impossible to be able to understand. I guess that I just need to not be saying anything. To keep Lydia feeling better." Gabe said, and then I was slowly nodding, feeling like maybe I could get him.

"I know this affects you much more than it affects me. But I sort of feel the same. I feel like when I think about what is going on here, and the fact that there are no fucking answers to any of the questions that we are all desperately needing right now." I said, and then I was feeling like nothing I could say would be able to make it all look better over everything.

"I think that if something were to happen to Lydia, then my entire perception of like could have been changed. I think that something happening to Lydia is where I feel like I need to get much more serious on all of this." I said, feeling like I just needed to find something to keep him feeling better on this now.

...

-Nov 26 1993 4:34 am- I was really fucking tired that night, and the last couple of nights, for some reason, I could barely be able to focus on what was going on around me. I mean, I always went through something like this in the first several days or so of when a new child comes home for life. But this was because usually I had a hard time getting used to the new noise again. This was different, because I had a feeling that I needed to find a way to focus on the stuff that was going on in my life.

The whole thing was just a bit much for me to truly come to a real conclusion on. That was what I had hated. I hated the fact that I had no real plan on what the heck I was going to do with my life. I was tired of the whole thing, and I was feeling like if I did not get a proper answer, then I would feel like everything was going to be a giant waste of my time. I needed to come up with some answer, to finally make it all come together for once.

I was feeling like I needed to make some answers. I needed to finally get a grip on my fucking life. The faster that I was going to get a fucking grip on what was going on in my life, the faster that I could be able to get over it. The faster that I had felt like I knew what was actually important. I had no idea what was important in my fucking life. I had felt like my life was going to be a massive waste of potential at the end.

I was disgusted at my mindset that I was growing for myself. Not because the thoughts were bad. Because it was the truth. It was the one thing that I was starting to understand and accept about my life. And I was feeling like maybe it was something that I just needed to accept. I just wished that one of these days, I was going to feel better. For the time being though, I had a feeling something like that was going to fucking be impossible, and I was fucking hating every moment of it.

Before I could even be able to think on it for a moment longer, there was a phone ring. I was wondering at who would be sadistic enough to be calling this early in the morning. But at the same time, I had felt like since I was up at least, I might as well just try and see what was going on here. I needed to just get my mind off of self loathing, and think about what annoying shit this person was going to tell me. So I went to answer it, and for once in my life, was not too opposed to answering here.

After I had answered the phone, I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just needed to be patient with whatever the hell these people were even wanting to tell me. "Hello, this is the Robinson house speaking. Would you like for me to take a message for my parents?" I asked, and I felt like after decades of this, I was used to this intro by now, and could do it by heart.

"No, I was wondering if you were Todd Jr actually." The guy on the other side was saying, and he was sounding like he had been reading something off of a piece of paper. I was unsure of what to be saying now, so I decided to just see what he was going to be saying now, and I told him that this was indeed me, and I was telling myself to be calm.

"Well, I was reading over your application to the video store." The guy said, and then I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling better that this was something that I had wanted to hear about now. Something that I had felt like I could be able to help him out with in the long run. If I was getting into the job that is.

"And I was wanting to say that due to the fact that you seem to have some knowledge of film, and the fact that there is barely anybody around, we will be letting you in the job. We hope that you will be able to show up later today, and maybe set up for your first shift of the day." After the guy was saying this to me, I was feeling like I was going to just have to be taking this calmly and slowly. I was feeling like I needed to find something else to say to change how it was all looking.

"I will be able to do that. What time were you wanting me to show up?" I asked, and then I was taking a long and deep breath. Kind of annoyed that out of all places in the town, it had to be the radio station. I had felt like I needed to find something else to do, that would have been less annoying. Then again, it was my fault for applying to this area in the first place.

"Well, we were hoping at some point in the afternoon you would be coming along and helping us out. You know, if you are able to do something like this. If you can't show up at this point, then I think we will be able to find a better time for you." The guy was saying clearly just hoping that everything was going to be all fine. I was feeling like no matter what was happening, we were going to just have to keep it all together for all our sakes.

"Alright. I can be able to do that. I will have to tell my parents what I am doing. But I think that they will be able to get over it soon enough." After I had said that to the guy who was on the other line, I was deeply thinking about what was going to be happening right now. It was just sort of scary. What I was now going to be dealing with in the long run.

I had no idea what the heck was going to happen now. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to keep this whole subject was not going to be going down the wrong path or anything. He waited for a couple of seconds, and then he was answering the statement that he had given me. Since this was going to just be the longest path that we were were going to head down.

"Yeah, we can see you then. I hope that you show up, and that nothing gets in the way too badly." After he had said that to me, I was hearing him genuinely feeling like this was the most important thing. The one thing that he had felt like he needed to make sure was utterly perfect in all regards. To not make it get any worse.

Once the conversation was over, I was shaking my head, and this time, when I was looking back, I was seeing that Seth was not there to try and make fun of me or make me feel even worse for everything that was going on. I just felt like maybe he was asleep or something. Or he did not want to make fun of me actually being responsible for once.

I would be totally chill with either answer, and I was not going to be making a issue out of it. I had felt like everything was going to be fine in all honesty. That I was just too worried over something that was genuinely not even really going to matter all that much. I was feeling like I just needed to not be so worried on all of the stuff going on. And I did not need to be giving a shit about what my brother was thinking on me in a large context at the end of it all.

I was walking to my room, feeling like I just needed to go to bed. I was feeling like when I would sleep, everything would be better for us, and that I did not need to be making a huge issue on all of this. I did not really know or care all that much what people were going to be telling me. I was sort of doing it my own way, and that was all that I knew was going to keep myself feeling like I was focused on my life.

...

-Nov 26 1993 6:58 pm- I was eventually getting inside of the store, ready to be starting my first shift at this terrible place. I had no real desire to be going through any of this right now. I was over it all, and I was not really wishing to be going through it. I was feeling like applying for this fucking place was such a terrible idea, and that I should have at least tried to find a better place that I could have gone to in order to change my mind.

I had felt like this whole thing was just going to be fucking impossible. I was so over it all, and I was wanting to find a way to be doing my own thing. I was seeing that the person who was owning the store looked right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was wanting to say something else. But that there was no real need to be saying anything right now. She had felt like she had her point on this whole thing. Because it just all felt too much to handle.

"Hey, I was thinking about what you would be able to do for these first couple of days. But now that I have thought on it a bit more, I think you just need to watch and make sure that nothing happens to this place while I am gone for the night. There is a lot of stuff that you are going to have to do here. But the main thing is that if I don't have somebody here, then I will be having a chance to see somebody break in or something like that. And steal some stuff. It happened a long time ago. And what happened afterwards was so much hassle that I could not handle it." After he was saying this, I was curious what he was meaning now.

"To be honest, if I were to tell you the story of all of that, there would be a chance you would not even believe in me." After he was saying this to me, I was shaking my head, just kind of worried about what he was hiding. I felt like if he did not tell me what was going on, then I was not going to be able to help him out.

"What exactly happened that would make this hard to believe? Some assholes broke into the place, and stole some stuff. That does not really seem to be all that hard to believe honestly." I said, and I saw him looking like he had not even wanted to consider telling me this stuff. Then he was shrugging, feeling like he just needed to find a way to get me out of this story. Since this whole thing was just clearly something that I felt like I needed to earn the right to know.

"Maybe one of these days, if I feel like you can be trusted, I might be able to you what is going on. Or what was going on I should say. But I guess that it does not really matter what happened. It was a really long time ago honestly." He was shaking his head, and I was wondering if maybe I was wrong about his age or something like that. If perhaps he was much older than just the late twenties that I had predicted he could have been.

"Honestly, I just do not really feel comfortable bringing in information to new employees because I feel like if they were to hear it all, they would either brush it off as not all that big of a deal, or they would be acting like what I am saying is a bit fucking over the top. I don't really think that it is going to make much of a difference in your eyes though. There is going to be that part of you that feels like you need to know the truth." After he said that, I was holding up my hands to get him to leave me alone.

"I heard you now. You do not need to talk about it all the time. I feel like you are just taking this way too seriously. It is really not going to be that big of a deal. I just was wondering is all. But since you did say that there is something going on here, I will just do my job, and watch the place like you want me to." I said, and then I was looking at the guy, and I was feeling like if I looked hard enough, I would get the truth eventually.

"To be honest, I think that I just need to let you go on and do your own thing at this place. Pretty much just hold the fort down, and don't mess up too badly. I think you get the point, and I am not going to be beating the dead horse anymore now." The guy who was going to be my boss said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was just feeling like if he were to talk more on this, he would be going crazy just even thinking on it any longer.

"Well, regardless, I will be heading out. Just take this as a way to get used to what the standards are, and see if you even end up liking this place anyways." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else. But he clearly felt like there was no real reason to continue saying anything.

Once he was out of the store, I was thinking that this guy was a bit strange, but I did not want to be saying anything to him, since I did not want to piss him off. I was sitting down on the chair that was behind the counter, and I was feeling like I was going to hate this job. But that I just needed to focus on what was going to happen to try and make it feel like it was all going to be worth it.

I was sighing, and shaking my head, feeling like this guy was utterly strange, and that he needed to find a way to feel like he could trust me with basic fucking trivia. I mean, I did not know what was going on here. And did he really feel like I was going to actually give a crap what he was doing? No, I did not care what people were doing all those years ago.

But at the same time, maybe it was because I did not know what it was like to be in his stage. Maybe I did not know what I was feeling because I did not work here before. But that was something that I felt like really did not matter all that much. So I was just sighing, feeling like I needed to relax a bit more. I was needing to pretend like maybe their horror was too much for me to really get, and I would never probably even want to be getting it honestly.

I was looking at the wall, and I was clearly starting to feel the fatigue getting to me a bit more. I had felt like maybe if I was going t be making a giant deal out of this, then I would be just making things worse. I just needed to focus on the job. Focus on getting through the day, and being fine. But I had no idea how in hell I was going to prepare for something to happen if it were to be getting much worse.

I was then thinking about how I was going to be able to find something that can make the day better for myself. I was just feeling like if I was going to stand here all night, I would be going crazy, and as much as I hated to admit it, I would rather be going through and hanging out with my family again, and deal with that overwhelming mess than staying here. At least that would have been something that I could have been able to get used to in all honesty.

I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe if I heard something, I would take care of that. Or if somebody stood up, I would at least be able to go to them, and see what they were doing, and see what movies they liked. Then I could be able to help them out that way. But then I thought of something else that was more important in my mind. Something I could not believe I was dumb enough to not be thinking of earlier.

The fact that I had no idea what the heck anything in this store was like. Where anything was. I had felt like that was much more important than anything else. The fact that I was going to be trying to help these people, and yet I had no idea how in the hell I could even get anybody to actually want to come to me for help. So I was feeling like maybe when I was here, while I was in some down time, I could be able to do some research, and figure out where these things were.

After I had made that choice, I was sighing, standing up, feeling like maybe I was just needing to get this over with, and see what the hell the store was really like. Maybe if I spend some time looking at every option, I would have an idea where each row was, and then maybe if I go to each place enough, I could be able to get in it in my memory on where it all was, and then I could get the information I had needed all figured out for once in my life.

I was then just sort of wondering what the heck my boss would have wanted with me in the first place. I had felt like maybe going and seeing what my boss would want from me would have given a good idea on where I am needing to take my career. And as crazy as it was, there was that small part of me that was feeling like maybe I could slowly be able to work my way up to assistant manager role or something. If I could do that, then I would be able to get some extra money saved up for myself.

I had felt like maybe I just needed to try something like that. I was thinking that if I became assistant manager or something, then Bebe might be liking this more. She might be thinking that I had some amount of authority, and as a result, she might find that kind of hot. Something like this was all that I really felt like was going to be keeping me having some form of safety now.

I was thinking that if I really cared about this whole Bebe thing, then I was wondering why the hell I was even going on and trying to speak with them in the first place. I was wondering why I never had the courage to try and seek out Bebe earlier. Since I had a feeling she would probably honestly want to help me out in my own way.

I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I just needed to stop thinking about her so much. Because she was so much better than me, and I was honestly kind of jealous over something like this. There was no better way that I could be able to describe it better than this. I was never going to forgive myself. I was never going to truly know why I cared what people wanted from me earlier. And now here I was, caring about what Bebe would have wanted from me.

...

-Nov 26 1993 10:25 pm- When I was done with that day, I was kind of just tired of all of the bullshit that was going on, and I was feeling like if I did not go on to do my own thing, then I was just going to be making things seem to be a bit pointless now. I was sort of thinking about the fact that my boss clearly had a very interesting story to tell me, but he did not tell me what was going on.

I had needed to know what the hell the issue was here. I was wondering if he had wanted to tell me something, but for some reason or another was too scared to do such a thing, and as a result gave me a very vague answer, and made me feel like I just needed to have something to sort of keep me focused on the work that was being given to me and all that stuff.

I felt like he was going to tell me someday anyways, even if he was going to be acting like he would not, there was going to be a point in time where he would act like he would not want to wait any longer, and he would just break down and let me know as much as he had wanted. Which I had no idea what that would be. But at the same time, I was feeling like the road to getting there was going to be a rather long and strange one. For lack of a better way to describe it all.

Throughout all of my reluctance to be going through all of this, to be coming up with a concise answer, I was feeling like I just needed to focus on what was going to be making my boss feel like he was able to trust me. I did not know if he was ever really going to be feeling that way. But I felt like if I could get his trust, then I was going to be able to consider myself a bit more accomplished by doing this. It would have enabled myself to feel like I was going to make him feel better on what I had been making it all work out in the correct path.

I was feeling like everything that I had done was just going to be a giant fucking mess. I was going to be going home, and if I told my siblings about my boss, or my parents about my boss, they were probably going to be telling me that it was not that huge of a deal, and that I had looked too deep into this. And in all honesty, they were probably correct. It was going to be a long way for it all to make sense. And to be honest, I did not even give a shit what everybody was feeling.

I was sitting in the living room, and when I was about ready to just decide that everything was bullshit and that I would need to go to try and sleep, that was when I was seeing Lydia coming in the room. I was looking at her, and was still always a small bit happy to be seeing her in the area. As I established earlier, her existence was the only reason that life got even a modicum easier for us over here. It was like my mother only cared for her, and only wanted her out of anything, and that in a way we were going to be useless. I knew it was harsh, but it was true.

I had felt like if I did not know what was going on with her, and see what Lydia was doing on a regular basis, then I was feeling like she was going to just be thinking that I did not care for her. In a way, she would not be entirely wrong. But I felt like she deserved so much better from me, and that I was going to try and give her this as much as I fucking could. If something like this was even going to remotely be possible.

I was angry at the whole thing. But at the same time, I was happy. It was a strange thing. To be happy and to be angry. To be going through both motions, and to be feeling like they were both equally valid in their own way. But at the same time, I needed to just focus on making her know that I did not judge her for anything that was going on here. Since that would just be fucking cruel.

"How are you doing right now? You seem to be really focused on something right now." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like if I did not give her a normal response, she was going to be slightly let down by me not opening up. So with that, I was just shrugging, trying to play it off lightly. Trying to play it off in a way that would give me a authority over her in the long run.

"I feel so fucking lost. I mean, my boss wants me to be doing certain things, and he clearly has some stuff that he would prefer talking about. But he does not just open up and just tell me what is happening. It is so confusing, and also annoying at the same time. The fact that he does not just simply tell me this stuff, and get it over with." I said, and then I shook my head, and I was feeling like I just needed to be giving her more of a statement. But at the same time, I felt like I had said all that I had needed to.

"Honestly, I think that he just needs to know that if I am going to continue working there, I need for him to trust me. I need for him to just show me that he is going to be alright." I said, and then I was just shrugging, feeling like maybe my answers were not going to be super appealing to her, and she would not get it at all.

"I think that they are probably just doing their own thing, and that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. But I think that maybe if you are too worried about the idea of not knowing what is going on, then I think you can tell him what your fears are. I think that maybe if you do something like that, then he will be able to listen to you. He might not fully get it, but I think he is going to be fine with talking with you on it." After she had told me this, I saw her looking like she had genuinely meant what she was saying, and I was unsure of what to be feeling right now.

I had felt like if she had felt that way, she was a lot more willing to be open minded than I was. Which was probably just because of how young she was. There was going to be no way in hell she would be this open minded to something when she was seeing things in my perspective. I mean, it had nothing against her. I was just feeling like that was going to be realistic given the context of all that was going on right now.

But despite all that was going on, I was just thinking about what to say. "I think it is not really going to matter. As much as I might not really like to admit it, I think that it will not really matter. I mean, I might be acting like it is something that matters. But in all honesty, I am just thinking too deeply on what was going on. But at the same time, I did not really care."

"Well, he is probably just wanting to see if you actually going to stick around. He might be feeling like telling you something could be simply pointless if you do not come along and stay for a while. He might just be thinking that if you do not stick around, then he will just be feeling like this whole thing will sort of be worthless. And like he had wasted his time." Lydia said, and then I was unsure of what to say. If I had wanted to say anything at all.

"I don't know. I mean, I feel like it is none of my business. But I just can't help but feel like I need to know what is going on here. If I learn what is happening here, he might be willing to help me out. I think that this is all that I really can handle." I said, and then I was just shaking my head. I did not care anymore. I did not know or care what I was doing. I was doing things my way, and that was all that I had known. That doing things my way were all that mattered at the end.

"I think you will be fine. I mean, it is going to be alright. Even you say so. So I think that the main issue is just knowing where you are going to go with the job. Do you think that you plan to stay employed for a longer period of time?" After she was asking me this, I was unsure of what I was going to be telling her. The whole thing just felt off. I felt like no matter what I had told her, she was going to be finding something to say to try and change my answers. But it just felt so fucking confusing going through this all.

But despite everything that was going on, I was feeling like if I did not find the correct answers, then almost nothing else was going to even matter. I was feeling like I was going to just go crazy to trying to find a way to make her understand how I had been feeling. But at the same time, in a way, I was feeling like almost none of it was goin to even matter at all.

"Well, I will be leaving you alone on it. I think it is awesome that you managed to find something in the first place. I mean, I know that you really did not seem to be going out to find a place to work until just recently. Gabe told me that the main reason you were looking was to find a way to be getting out of the house, and not be dealing with any of the stuff here." Lydia said, and she was clearly sounding like she was kind of sad over such a thing. I was feeling like when she had said that, and I was hearing what she was wanting to say, that maybe I did let her down a bit here. But at the same time, in a way, I was feeling like I should not be lying to her at all. I felt like lying is only going to make it worse.

"Honestly, I feel like I just needed to find a way to be feeling like I was getting somewhere in life. I felt like I just needed to actually do something that mattered. Something that I could be proud of." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering what she was goin to try and tell me now.

"Well, I hope that you are going to be happy. After all, it seems like you are feeling much better about life right now. The fact that you are going out and working with people to help improve life. And the fact that you are dating now." She said, and then she was clearly smiling, feeling like Bebe was going to be the best part of my life now.

"I think that I will be happy enough for the time being. I am more worried about what you guys are going to be like. The fact that I am doing all of this stuff, and not even going to see how you feel on it. I feel like a fucking monster when I do this. The fact that I am not seeing if you are going to be able to adapt to the fact that soon enough, your oldest brother will no longer be here." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering if she had something to say to this, or if she was not surprised at this.

"I am just wanting to be able to make sure that none of what I am doing is going to change the way that you guys are feeling. If that happens, then I feel like nothing else will be worth it. I feel like I would have made a huge mistake, and that nothing even matters now." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to understand what was even going to be making this all work.

"I wish that you guys were happy. I wish that you guys were going to feel like I made the right choice. I don't really know if that is going to work though. And that is the scariest thing in the world. The fact that I am doing all of this stuff, and I don't know if you guys are going to be ready for it all. Or if this is just something that I am forcing on you, and then you will be trying to pick up from my mess at the end of the day.

"We will be happy if you feel like you are doing the right thing. There comes a point where you need to fight for yourself. Where you need to do what you feel like if making your life better." She was telling me, and I was seeing her looking like she had truly meant what she had said. I was nodding, feeling like maybe I could use that idea to try and change my life from this point forward. To do something that I knew was good.